The Office (US) s01e02 Episode Script

Hiya.
Can I help you out here? - I'm all set, thanks.
- Gotcha.
Good.
I'd go with the rose.
That's a good idea.
Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity.
It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it.
And I never actually talked to Corporate about it.
They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards.
But I was going to.
I think it's important that we have this.
I'm very, very excited.
That's the thing.
It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content.
" What? Hello? Uh-huh.
Wait.
What? I'm sorry, Mr.
Decker.
I think I'm losing you.
Hello? Hello? Yeah.
Hold on one second.
I don't know.
Hold on one second.
- Do you really have to do that right now? - Yes.
I should have done it weeks ago.
Mr.
Decker, I'm sorry about that.
What were you Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second.
Thanks.
Hello? That's it.
Perfect.
So what I was saying Hello? - Thanks, Dwight.
- Retaliation.
Dit fortit.
That is not the expression.
Well, it should be.
This is my biggest sale of the year.
They love me over there for some reason.
I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little.
And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more.
I know.
I'm getting cocky.
Right.
Solitaire? Yeah, afraid so.
- Six on seven.
- I know.
I saw that.
So then, why didn't you do it? I'm saving that cos I like it when the cards go T- ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Who doesn't love that? Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? - All right.
- Did you have a good weekend going there? - It was fine.
- I bet it was fun.
Oh, hey! This is Oscar.
- Martinez.
- Right.
See? First-name basis.
Great.
We're all set.
Well, diversity, everybody, let's do it.
Oscar works in here.
Jim, could you wrap it up, please? Mr.
Decker, please.
It's diversity day, Jim.
I wish every day was diversity day.
You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back.
Thank you.
Sorry about that.
- Thank you.
- Get 'em in.
Get in the cards! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick.
At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations.
We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
You know what? This is a color-free zone here.
Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Er, this is what I'm talking about.
We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
- That's fighting ignorance with ignorance.
- With tolerance.
No.
With more ignorance.
Right.
Exactly.
- Instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
- Let's celebrate.
Celebrate good times.
Come on! Let's celebrate diversity.
Yes, exactly.
Now, here's what we're going to do.
I've noticed that You know what? Here's what we're going to do.
Why don't we go around and everybody everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually.
I will go last.
Go.
I have two.
White and Indian.
Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way.
I would love to have your permission to run this session.
Can I have your permission? - Yes.
- Thank you very much.
- It would also help if you were seated.
- OK.
Thank you.
OK.
Now, at the start of the session, I had you write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace.
I'm going to choose one and we'll act it out.
The ground rules? - Run it by me and I'll run it by him.
OK.
Can we steer away from gay people? - Um - I'm sorry.
It's an orientation.
It's not a race.
Plus a lot of other races are also intolerant of gays, so paradox.
Well, we only have an hour.
- I figured it would save time.
- Why don't we just defer to Mr - Mr.
Brown.
- Ah.
Oh, right! OK.
First test.
I will not call you that.
It's my name.
It's not a test.
OK? Um, looking through the cards, I noticed many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to.
Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good.
OK.
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black? We'll reenact this with a more positive outcome.
I will play the Chris Rock guy.
I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Let's have someone not involved in the reenactment.
OK, I will play guy listening.
Great.
Guy listening.
OK, anyone else remember? I remember.
You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.
Kevin is a great guy.
He's a great accountant.
He is not much of an entertainer.
Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people.
Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
He's ruin He's butchering it.
Could you just let me Every time Every time black people want to have a good time, some idiot ass - I take care of my kid! - Wait a second.
They always want credit for something they supposed to do! Stop it! You want a cookie? Now, this is a simple acronym.
HERO.
At Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO.
All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Excuse me, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Great.
Well, what is a hero to you? A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
A hero is part-human and part-supernatural.
A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
OK, you're thinking of a superhero.
We all have a hero in our heart.
Now, I need you to take these forms.
This expresses the joint experience we had today.
I want you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
- I don't think I can sign this.
- I can't leave until you do.
Well, OK.
It says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so I could sign something that says that I taught something, that I helped you teach something, so Pam! Where is she? - Pam, could we change something on this? - Michael, can I talk to you candidly? Sure.
We both know that I'm here because of the comments that you made.
Here's the thing.
This office, I think is very advanced in terms of racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to.
- That's probably thrown you off a little.
- It's not.
I need your signature.
I know.
You told me that several times.
- But you're not listening.
I need a signature.
- OK.
My instructions from the Corporate offices are to put you through this seminar for the comments you made.
The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training.
- And you don't.
- Don't worry about dating it.
I won't.
OK, thank you.
"I regret my actions.
I regret offending my coworkers.
"I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness " Open-mindedness, is that even a word? " into the workplace.
In this way, I can truly be a hero.
"Signed, Daffy Duck.
" He's going to lose it when he reads that.
Yeah, hi.
Is Mr.
Decker around? Well, could you have him call me after lunch? Thank you.
"I pledge to always keep an open mind "and an open heart.
" I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read.
But a pledge, come on.
Who are we, the Girl Scouts? No.
Look the guy, Mr.
Brown he got us halfway there.
He got us talking.
Well, no.
I got us talking.
He got us nothing.
He insulted us and he abandoned us.
You call that diversity training? I don't.
Were there any connections between us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No.
Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart.
Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
All right? Everybody pretty? Come on.
Here we go.
It's time.
Let's do some good.
We're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style, are we? Get out.
- I'm sorry.
- No, this is not a joke.
OK? That was offensive and lame.
So double offensive.
This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
OK, let's go.
Let's do it.
Come on.
Let's have some fun, everybody.
Here we go.
Take a seat.
Cop a squat.
And um thank you for coming in.
Um Diversity is the cornerstone of progress, as I've always said.
But don't take my word for it.
Let's take a look at the tape.
Hi.
I'm Michael Scott.
I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over.
Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.
" And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
OK.
Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim? Uh, is that it? Yes.
I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
It was kind of hard to hear.
Yes.
That probably had something to do with the camera work.
Anybody else? Um I have a customer meeting.
Well, if you leave, we'll only have two left.
Yes.
Enjoy.
Absolutely.
Namaste.
OK, well, since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um.
I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish.
Sort of a virtual United Nations.
But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
- What part Native American? - Two fifteenths.
That fraction doesn't make any sense.
Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about.
The suffering.
So who else? Let's get this popping.
Come on.
Who's going? Let's go here.
Oscar, right here.
You're on.
OK, Michael, um Both my parents were born in Mexico.
Oh, yeah And they moved to the United States a year before I was born.
- So I grew up in the United States.
- Wow.
My parents were Mexican.
Wow.
That is That is a great story.
- That's the American dream, right? - Thank Yeah.
Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? - Something less offensive? - Mexican isn't offensive.
- Well, it has certain connotations.
- Like what? Like I don't I don't know.
What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
- Now, remember that honesty - I'm just curious.
empathy, respect Jim! Jim! Hello? Hello? I have something here.
I want you to take a card.
Put it on your fore Don't look at the card.
I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and Take a card, any card.
Um And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead, OK? So everybody has a different race.
Nobody knows what their race is, so I want you to really go for it, cos this is real.
This isn't just an exercise.
This is real life.
And I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly.
Get her done.
Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine.
There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent.
I'm not going to do it but it's Oh, this is a good one.
- Um, hi.
How are you? - Fine.
How are you? Great.
- Push it.
I admire your culture's success in America.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Bom bom bom-bom bom.
Come on.
Olympics of Suffering right here.
Slavery versus the Holocaust.
Come on.
- Who am I supposed to be? - No, that was inadvertent.
We didn't actually plan that.
"Lots of cultures eat rice" doesn't help me.
Um Shalom.
I'd like to apply for a loan.
- That's nice, Dwight.
- OK, do me.
Something stereotypical so I can get it quick.
- I like your food.
- Outback steakhouse.
I'm Australian, mate.
- Pam, come on.
"I like your food.
" Come on.
Stir the pot.
Stir the melting pot, Pam! - Let's do it.
Let's get ugly.
Let's get real.
- OK.
If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Oh, man, am I a woman? You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab.
I thought that would be too explosive.
No pun intended.
But I just thought, "Too soon for Arabs.
" Maybe next year.
Um You know, the ball's in their court.
- What you watching? - Chappelle's Show.
- Really? - I downloaded it on her computer.
- I hope she doesn't mind.
- No way.
I think she likes this stuff.
She's cute, huh? Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but Oh, no, the girl in the - sketch.
- Oh, yeah.
She's hot.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You wanna go to the beach? Sure.
- You want to get high? - No.
- I think you do, mon.
- Stop OK.
All right.
No.
It's good.
You just need to push it.
You need to go a little bit further.
All right.
OK.
Kelly, how are you? - I just had the longest meeting.
- Oh! Welcome to my convenience store.
Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi googi, only 99 cents plus tax.
Try my googi googi.
Try my googi googi.
Try my googi googi.
Try my All right! All right! Yes! That was great.
She gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
Mr.
Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent.
OK.
Let me just get your What's that? No, we didn't close last time.
I just need your Oh.
W- What code were you given? Oh, OK.
That's actually another salesman here.
I can redo it if you want to do that.
He gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.
I just hated it when that guy was in here.
Mr.
Brown, if that was his real name.
I mean, he had never met any of us before and here he was telling us how to do our thing.
I just wanted I just wanted to do it our way.
You know? On our own.
Man, I should have gotten some food.
Maybe some spagh-etti.
- OK, Kevin, you can take that off.
That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens, or some pad Thai.
I love pad Thai.
- It's collard greens.
- What? - It's collard greens.
- That doesn't really make sense.
You don't call them collared people.
That's offensive.
Hmmm OK.
Well, it's after five.
So Thank you very much.
Buena vista, Oscar.
Thank you.
Good job.
Oh, my man.
Thank you, Brazil.
Nice.
Um Hey.
Hey.
- We can go.
- Sorry.
That's fine.
Uh Not a bad day.