The Onion News Network (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Snowlocaust
This is the Onion News Network, a 24-hour non-stop news assault.
Brooke Alvarez: You're back in the "Factzone" on the Onion News Network.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
We're continuing the Onion News Network's coverage of the major snowstorm still pounding the midwest this hour.
And according to reports from the national weather service, the storm has been causing major problems for the nation's idiots.
The latest estimates show 18 idiots in the region have already been afflicted with frostbite after accidentally locking themselves outside in their underwear, and another 12 have been severely injured when they jumped off their roofs into what they thought were deep snowdrifts.
Were deep snowdrifts.
I was gonna, like, grab onto the back of my buddy's truck and just, like, slide along behind it, as he drove.
It didn't work.
It hurt real bad.
It was too cold to scrape off the windshield, and I really wanted a super slush.
I don't know what else I was supposed to do.
We'd like to urge any of our viewers, who are huge idiots themselves, to please have someone who knows how to work a computer help you go to the Onion News Network website where we've posted several winter weather safety tips to help dumbasses like you survive the snowstorm.
And now, let's turn to meteorologist, Tom Fontaine in the Onion News Network's live 365 weather super tower for more on this brutal storm.
Tom Fontaine: Hi, Brooke.
Tom, you must really have your hands full up there.
Oh, I've been waitin' my whole career for a storm this big, Brooke.
If I screw up tonight, I'll never forgive myself.
All right.
Let me take you quickly through a few of the stories we're watching, right now.
First, we're gonna get us started here in Indianapolis.
Now, residents there can expect up to a foot of snowfall by tomorrow, which should give their city three full minutes of looking beautifully blanketed in snow before returning to its usual disgusting, soul-crushing wretchedness.
Now, over to Wisconsin.
Uh, we've just gotten word here that a massive power outage has left thousands in the southern portion of the state here without access to pornography.
A safety advisory has been issued, urging residents not to drive to their local liquor stores to purchase porno magazines, as the roads are dangerous, right now.
Please, remain indoors.
Just try to imagine your wife's sister or your Spanish teacher, or do whatever works for you.
You may even have a coffee table book with renaissance pictures in it.
Uh, while we realize this is not ideal, even that can work.
Experts say that these types of situations are easily avoidable by making sure that you have an emergency porn kit, which can be purchased at any adult superstore.
Some people in areas that receive more snow on average may wanna go that extra step and convert their basements into porn shelters.
And moving now to Northern Illinois, uh, we see here that the town where that dickhead Rick from high school still lives is just getting hammered by snow.
Good thing some people became big-time meteorologists in New York and won't have to shovel the parking lot at the stables where they still work because they were too stupid to get a real career.
And this is a really heavy, wet snow.
Uh, so with all that extra weight Rick's put on since being elected most athletic in the senior superlatives, he should be careful because he might very well have a heart attack and leave fatherless those three dumb, ugly kids he had with that bitch Stacy Grimaldi.
Brooke.
Okay, thanks, Tom.
And it looks like we're getting a news blast now.
So, let's turn it over to Tucker Hope at the recon wall.
Tucker Hope: Thank you very much, Brooke.
Well, as you already know, around 10 o'clock this morning, meteorologists began saying that this storm could reach as far south as New Orleans, dusting the city with up to an eighth of an inch of snow.
That, of course, immediately triggered an emergency response from the entire federal government.
This is not going to become another Katrina or BP oil spill like everybody is probably thinking.
Uh, president Obama has already ordered over, uh, 6,000 relief workers and over 500 vehicles carrying food and medical supplies.
We know Louisiana has been through a lot recently, but we're on top of it this time We swear.
And we're just getting word now that those rescue operations have been launched, as the temperature in New Orleans has just dipped to 40 degrees.
So far, there have been no reported injuries from the possible light snowfall, but over 25 people in the area have reported feeling a bit chilly.
Brooke.
Thank you, Tucker.
You bet.
I think it's wonderful that no matter how much God explicitly tells us New Orleans is doomed, we keep trying to save it.
Well, believe it or not, there was some news today other than the midwest snowstorm.
Our top story tonight The Department of Defense made an historic change to military policy today.
For the first time ever, women will be allowed to serve in combat provided they are supervised by a male chaperon.
The Onion News Network's John Harris filed this story from Kandahar.
John Harris: Well, although about 20% of the U.
S.
soldiers are female, women have never been allowed to serve in ground combat units until today.
This is the 21st century, and, uh, women supervised by men are equal to men in every way.
The chaperone can be, well, any man, really, as long as he's there to provide a shoulder for the woman to cry on after she's mortared an enemy position or taken out an assurgent.
And the female soldiers themselves are applauding the new program.
Roger is not a bad guy per se.
I mean, he finally stopped calling me private sweetheart, so that's good.
It's kinda like having a dog.
Alicia's doing a super job.
Lots of times, she really doesn't even need me here.
Hey, Alicia, how about a brewsky? The military is currently seeking men for the chaperone project.
No experience is necessary, and you will split the female soldier's salary with her.
For these women in the military and their male chaperones, it's the end of a long march toward equality.
You go, girls.
From Kandahar, I'm John Harris.
Thank you, John.
All right If you're not able to form your own opinion about this issue, don't worry.
Let's go to the "Factzone's" first responders for some expert analysis.
Hello, first responders.
Duncan Birch: Hello.
Well, this program has undergone some criticism because they send out the male chaperones without requiring them to undergo any kind of sensitivity training.
Uh, Duncan, what's your take on that? I think this is a real problem.
If the female soldier is taking cover from enemy fire, but then thinks about how that makes her feel, and then wants to analyze why she feels that way, the chaperone is not gonna know what to say, she's gonna get upset, and they're both gonna killed.
Lauralee, do you agree with this? Lauralee Hickok: No.
I-I think that the women need the extra training.
They ned to be taught how not to go falling in love with these male chaperones.
Right.
'Cause you know that's gonna happen.
Well, that's an interesting point.
Now, but you know, another criticism with this program, of course, is the price tag.
It's gonna cost the taxpayers $760 million a year to pay for these chaperones.
Jason, is that worth it? Jason Copeland: Well, we really don't have any other option now, Brook.
I mean, if they if we take away the chaperones, the Pentagon will have to look into the big lashy doe eyes of the female soldiers and tell them they can't fight, anymore.
It would just break their hearts to have to do that.
Another criticism this program is coming under is, of course, the requirement that the female soldiers have to cook dinner for their chaperones every night.
Yeah, but that-that is only fair.
If the chaperone's been saving your life all day long, the least you could do would be to make him a-a chicken dinner or a shepherd's pie just to say "thank you.
" I think that there should also be a requirement that they give the male chaperone a massage, if he looks tense.
Well, you know, an op-ed piece at "The Times" this morning did say that this program could face some of the same problems as a short-lived tether program that was tried during the Gulf War.
What do you think of that? Well, uh, uh, that-that did keep the female soldiers from wandering into enemy fire and getting hurt.
There were just a few kinks to work out.
Whether they're tethered or not, I think that all women should have a male chaperone.
I've had one for the past five years, and he has kept me safe.
Well, you have a little firsthand experience with that, then.
Oh, tons.
Yeah.
Raymond is wonderful.
He really is.
I'd be absolutely lost without him.
All right Thank you so much for your great insight, first responders.
And, Duncan, is it true you have four books coming out this week? Uh, five, actually.
Five? Wow, you are a machine.
I'm still working on my autobiography.
I've got about 30,000 pages done, so far.
Keep at it.
Yeah, I will.
Okay, we need to take a short break, right now.
Keep it locked in the "Factzone," where we are continuing to track that super storm wreaking havoc on parts of the country.
We're just getting an update that an Ohio man has miraculously survived a harrowing three block walk through the blizzard to get some pop ice Stay with us.
Brooke: You are back in the "Factzone.
" Please, no talking to anyone at home for the duration of the program.
We have an update now on the situation in New Orleans.
The nation's entire emergency response apparatus has descended on the city to deal with the potential light snowfall that may hit the region within the next hour.
The Onion News Network's Andrea Bennett is on the ground in the French Quarter.
Andrea, what is the scene like there? Andrea Bennett: Well, Brooke, Bourbon Street and surrounding areas have been evacuated.
The administration's multi-agency coordinated response team has commandeered snow plows from hundreds of cities.
There is now about one snow plow per block here.
Even if snow does start falling, it's predicted there will be no more than a quarter inch of accumulation, but the plows have been ordered to drive back and forth all night as a precaution.
Okay Yeah.
Now, the National Guard has also instituted a strict curfew to keep transportation routes clear for emergency supply shipments, and soldiers have been instructed to shoot any looters on sight.
Okay, so they don't wanna take any chances this time.
No, they absolutely do not.
Now, I don't know if you can hear the helicopters above me here, but there have been dozens of them circling the city nonstop so that if for some reason someone ends up on a rooftop and needs to be rescued, they will definitely not have to wait for days.
Oh, well, that is good news for anyone worried about that possibility.
Absolutely, and, you know, president Obama has also deployed a 500-person cleanup crew to the gulf coast just in case the scattered snow showers happen to damage any offshore oil rigs in the area.
Okay okay.
Andrea, can you just, uh, um Brooke, I'm sorry to interrupt, but a few flakes have started to fall here.
Emergency air raid sirens have just started, and I am now being told that I must evacuate this area.
All right.
Thank you so much for the update, Andrea.
Stay warm down there.
Thanks, Brooke.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Yeah I can't tell ya how many dead reporters I've heard utter those exact same words.
All right In Hollywood today, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are taking matters into their own hands after a series of disturbing encounters with time traveling soldiers from the year 2075 intent on attacking their daughter, Suri.
The couple's publicist announced at a press conference yesterday that a trans-temporal mercenary named Vix Topgun is now on the Cruise family payroll.
Mr.
Topgun appeared out of a glowing blue portal last night, while the Hollywood power couple was out, and offered to protect Suri for the price of 400 million suriads or $50,000, which the Cruises accepted immediately.
Tom would like to say that he has full confidence in the Los Angeles police department and that Vix Topgun is just here to help him sleep better at night and to guarantee that no one will disrupt the final transformation.
Any man or feman who approaches the dread queen will have their flesh melted into Zafkar fuel by Vix Topgun.
The ascendancy cannot be stopped.
Show me the money.
Show me the money.
Tom and Vix Topgun have gone straight to work building a protective magnofield in a defector roasting pit at Cruise's Malibu home.
Let's hope that keeps her safe.
Let's hope that keeps her safe.
And in Washington this afternoon, congress attempted to pass a law but failed after neither the house nor the senate could remember how to do it.
For more details, here's Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael.
Jane Carmichael: Hi, Brooke.
The bill in question is the challenger memorial statue act of 2011, which would allocate $50,000 to create a memorial to the challenger astronauts of the air and space museum.
The bill has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats, but unfortunately it's been so long since they actually passed any legislation that not one person in congress remembers the protocol for making the bill into a law.
Well, Jane, you'd think as lawmakers they'd be passing bills all the time.
Well, they introduce a lot of bills, but then usually they get held up in questioning the motives and patriotism of whoever proposed them.
But didn't they just pass one or two bills last year? They did, but each time they had to go to former senator Chris Dodd to help them through the process.
He was apparently the go-to guy for that kind of thing, but now that he's retired, they're Well, why can't they just call him? Well, they did, reportedly, but he told them, quote, "I don't work there anymore, and I'm not about to do charity work.
" At that point, several senators tried to go online to find instructions on bill passing but then quickly became distracted updating their Twitter feeds with disparaging remarks about political rivals and checking Facebook to see if they had any new supporters.
Well, it seems that congress is in the middle of an emergency policy session to try and jog their memories.
Let's just take a look at that now.
As I recall, we say, "aye.
" And then, as no long as nobody says, "nay," the bill is passed into law.
I know somebody hits a gavel.
I concur.
I also remember a gavel being involved, at some point.
Well, in that case, I move that we look up stores where we can buy a gavel.
Let the record reflect that we have decided to figure out where we can get a gavel from.
Uh, Mr.
Chairman, I have a question.
Uh, I think Don't you have to tell me when to talk? Oh, right.
Uh, you can, uh, have the floor.
Ah, good.
Now, once it's ready to be passed into law, we email it to the president.
Correct? I don't know.
We probably have to glue it into a book where all the other laws are.
That makes sense.
Wait Isn't there a library of congress? Yeah.
Yeah.
The book with all the laws must be in the library of congress.
I move that we find out where this library is.
Does anybody know? No.
I have no idea.
Hmm.
Damn it! Oh, it looks like they aren't having much luck.
No, but they'll keep trying.
Next, congress will try saying the law on TV to see if that makes it official.
And after that, they'll have all of the bill's supporters stand in a circle and shake hands with one another simultaneously to see if that works.
Yeah Well, let's hope they figure it out.
And remember, Jane, uh, eyeliner can work wonders.
We have to take a quick break now.
But first, let's check in with another of the Onion News Network's live 365 weather cams, this time from Iowa.
Okay, it looks like a lot of snow there, we'll be right back.
Brooke: Welcome back to the "Factzone" where fine journalism and huge ratings walk hand in hand.
"Cross Examination with Shelby Cross" is one of our top programs here on the Onion News Network.
Well, yesterday, Shelby warned us about Al-Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic, peaceful, decoy Muslims in order to get us to lower our guard.
To explain more about this looming threat, former prosecutor Shelby joins us, right now.
Shelby Cross: Hi, Brooke.
Hi, Shelby.
Now, you have been telling your viewers that Al-Qaeda actually has more than five million decoy Muslims in our country to soften us up for their next attack.
Yes, and attack they will, if we don't do something.
Listen.
These friendly decoy Muslims are virtually everywhere.
Walking among us.
Making people think, hey, Muslims, they're just like you and me.
I mean, there's no reason It wouldn't be fair for the police to stop and question every Muslim that's out in public the way Shelby Cross is suggesting because, ooh, that would just be racist.
Yeah.
Well, that-that is exactly what Al-Qaeda is counting on.
So-so, Shelby, what can we do? Well, if you see a Muslim, I say just walk straight up to them, and under your breath, just say, "I'm on to you.
" Oh.
Okay, I don't care if it's a man, a woman, or an adorable little brown baby jihadist in a stroller.
Oh, okay.
But, Shelby, you have also made it clear to your viewers that these decoy Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes you can't even tell they're Muslim.
Yeah Oh, yeah.
No, as ma they'll-they'll-they'll- They'll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans, as, uh, as Vietnamese.
Hmm.
I mean, there's absolutely nothing that would let you know that they were, in fact, secretly Muslim.
Now, if-if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes up to me, I just cuff 'em.
I pat 'em down.
And then, I look right in the eyes, and I say, "Hey, where ya hidin' your Koran, Achmen?" So, you have to be on your guard, at all times.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But listen.
Don't get too close to them.
They're extremely dangerous in that they are very, very friendly.
Uh-huh.
Very easy to become friends with them.
And next thing you know, hey, you could become a-a-a walking decoy Muslim.
Okay, Shelby, we don't want that.
So-so, what can we do to protect ourselves? Well, if you really suspect that you are in the presence of-of a decoy Muslim Yeah.
The only sure thing you can do is actually shoot them.
Now, if they start crying out in Arabic, as they die Yeah yeah right.
Uh, you will know that-that person is, in fact, a Muslim, and you were right.
You saved yourself the unfortunate end of being blown up.
Mmm-hmm.
If they don't cry out that way, they're not a Muslim, and you can go ahead and trust them.
Okay, but they'd be dead, Shelby.
Yeah, but a-a dead man is the only man you can trust.
You know that.
Rule number one.
Yeah Yeah.
Okay Thank you, Shelby.
All right.
Now, let's go to Tucker Hope, who has some updates for us on the winter weather battering the nation.
Tucker: Thank you very much, Brooke.
We have some more news now on those seven snowmobilers from Ohio.
Sadly, they are still not lost in the wilderness due to the storm.
And despite the heavy snow and poor visibility, they continue to whip around on their stupid snowmobiles and act like a bunch of jerks.
Ohio senator Sherrod Brown met with the families of the snowmobilers earlier today to express his condolences that the group of assholes are still out there living it up and not lying bay injured somewhere deep in the woods.
Our thoughts and prayers are certainly with them during this time, and we hope that at least one of the snowmobiling dumb shits drives off a cliff soon.
And in Chicago, the police have just issued an emergency warning that the so-called snowstorm killer has killed yet again.
He's killed over 60 people this winter already, typically preying on the homeless during cold nights.
His signature method is to get the victim drunk, brutally freeze them to death, and then dump them in a snowdrift near one of their normal hangouts.
So, to all of our homeless viewers in Chicago, please stay safe out there tonight.
And some new information coming in, right now, from New Orleans.
And as you can see from this weather map, New Orleans is actually receiving some light snow flurries.
Rescue workers have begun the preemptive safety measure of rounding up all ninth ward residents and locking them inside the Superdome.
There, they will be held for at least one month to make sure that the snowstorm has dissipated and has no chance of returning.
Portable bathrooms should be arriving by next week.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
I, for one, love this weather.
It reminds me of my childhood in Russia, except, you know, not as many wolves, thankfully.
Well, earlier this week, we brought you the tragic story of 23-year-old Washington DC native Danielle Henry, who was hit by a stray bullet and killed.
Today, hundreds of friends and family gathered for her funeral, and the Onion News Network's autistic reporter, Michael Falk, was there.
Michael, what was the scene like today? Michael Falk: What was the scene like today? Thank you, Brooke Alvarez.
I am standing here outside holy covenant church in Washington DC, where people have gathered to say things about Danielle Henry before putting her dead body in the ground.
Many onlookers have tried to quiet Danielle's mother by placing both of their arms around her and slapping her on the back.
An Onion News Network reporter was there to talk to the mother earlier.
How do you feel about your daughter getting shot? Ah! Oh, come on.
She don't wanna talk to you.
Why? Why do you think? Get outta here! Get outta here! Danielle's mother was wearing a shirt that was missing the second bottom from the button in a row of seven.
The buttons were black.
Many other people came to the church to say that it is a bad thing that Danielle is a dead body now.
Among those people was city councilman, William Braderman.
Well, it's just awful.
More and more innocent people are getting killed every year.
In 2010, there were 132 homicides in Detroit.
In 2009, there were 141 homicides in Detroit.
In 2008, there were 186 homicides in Detroit.
In 2007, there were 181 homicides in Detroit.
Those are quite a number.
In 2006, there were 169 homicides in Detroit.
Okay.
How do you think people in the neighborhood feel about today's funeral? How do you think they feel? How do you think they feel? Happy because they get to see each other.
No.
Sad because Danielle is dead.
Yes.
Yes.
Very troubling story.
It sounds like a very sad day.
No I saw three red cars.
It was a very good day.
Okay Thank you, Michael.
Okay Let's go now to Gainesville, Florida, where some typos have marred an otherwise powerful protest march.
Approximately 300 people showed up, expressing outrage.
This is rebel cocktail! Time is short! You must prevent Suri from The Suris have discovered our stronghold! We cannot contain them! Listen to me! Do not see "Mission Impossible 6" when it comes out in 2018! Plays an insidious mind control device that will cause you to turn on your own family! Please, Suri must not consummate her marriage to Jaden Smith in 2029! It must be stopped at all costs! Brooke: Thanks for tunneling your way under the fence and back into the "Factzone.
" Don't forget.
Every night this week on the Onion News Network, tune in for our special miniseries, "Dumb in America," a five-part television event exploring the lives of America's dumbest people and asking what it means to be dumb today.
Tonight's episode focuses on people who frequently get their head stuck in things.
Definitely make sure not to miss that one.
All right.
Now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about something that's been in my sights.
Being a journalist is as much about what not to cover as it is about what you put on the air.
So, I just wanted to address the Memphis murderer who keeps sending me letters, wondering why I haven't mentioned him on the air.
Sir, you're really gonna have to step up your game, if you want this network to report on your repeated, though I'd hardly say serial, killings.
It's 2011.
The days when someone can strangle a few hookers and expect it covered on the highest rated news program on cable television is long gone.
Dead prostitutes? The only thing more expected would have been a string of identical secretaries with the same hair color as your ex-wife.
You want a serial killer nickname? Earn it.
Impress me.
Do something that's never been done before.
Take out the treasurer of every state assembly coast to coast.
Kill 20 Swiss olympians and make a raft out of their severed limbs.
Something, anything that shows an ounce of creativity.
Listen.
Obviously, you're trying.
Okay? But you're just gonna have to try a little harder, if you want me to pay attention.
I'm not some family member of one of your victims.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, the undisputed world news leader.
Okay.
That's all the time we have for you today in the "Factzone," but we do have Joad Cressbeckler standing by.
Hey, Joad, what about all that snow? I likes it.
Congress makes them dustier folks stand out.
Well, the last I , that is true, Joad.
Well, that's gonna do it for us here in the "Factzone".
Thanks for watching.
You did the right thing.
Brooke Alvarez: You're back in the "Factzone" on the Onion News Network.
I'm Brooke Alvarez.
We're continuing the Onion News Network's coverage of the major snowstorm still pounding the midwest this hour.
And according to reports from the national weather service, the storm has been causing major problems for the nation's idiots.
The latest estimates show 18 idiots in the region have already been afflicted with frostbite after accidentally locking themselves outside in their underwear, and another 12 have been severely injured when they jumped off their roofs into what they thought were deep snowdrifts.
Were deep snowdrifts.
I was gonna, like, grab onto the back of my buddy's truck and just, like, slide along behind it, as he drove.
It didn't work.
It hurt real bad.
It was too cold to scrape off the windshield, and I really wanted a super slush.
I don't know what else I was supposed to do.
We'd like to urge any of our viewers, who are huge idiots themselves, to please have someone who knows how to work a computer help you go to the Onion News Network website where we've posted several winter weather safety tips to help dumbasses like you survive the snowstorm.
And now, let's turn to meteorologist, Tom Fontaine in the Onion News Network's live 365 weather super tower for more on this brutal storm.
Tom Fontaine: Hi, Brooke.
Tom, you must really have your hands full up there.
Oh, I've been waitin' my whole career for a storm this big, Brooke.
If I screw up tonight, I'll never forgive myself.
All right.
Let me take you quickly through a few of the stories we're watching, right now.
First, we're gonna get us started here in Indianapolis.
Now, residents there can expect up to a foot of snowfall by tomorrow, which should give their city three full minutes of looking beautifully blanketed in snow before returning to its usual disgusting, soul-crushing wretchedness.
Now, over to Wisconsin.
Uh, we've just gotten word here that a massive power outage has left thousands in the southern portion of the state here without access to pornography.
A safety advisory has been issued, urging residents not to drive to their local liquor stores to purchase porno magazines, as the roads are dangerous, right now.
Please, remain indoors.
Just try to imagine your wife's sister or your Spanish teacher, or do whatever works for you.
You may even have a coffee table book with renaissance pictures in it.
Uh, while we realize this is not ideal, even that can work.
Experts say that these types of situations are easily avoidable by making sure that you have an emergency porn kit, which can be purchased at any adult superstore.
Some people in areas that receive more snow on average may wanna go that extra step and convert their basements into porn shelters.
And moving now to Northern Illinois, uh, we see here that the town where that dickhead Rick from high school still lives is just getting hammered by snow.
Good thing some people became big-time meteorologists in New York and won't have to shovel the parking lot at the stables where they still work because they were too stupid to get a real career.
And this is a really heavy, wet snow.
Uh, so with all that extra weight Rick's put on since being elected most athletic in the senior superlatives, he should be careful because he might very well have a heart attack and leave fatherless those three dumb, ugly kids he had with that bitch Stacy Grimaldi.
Brooke.
Okay, thanks, Tom.
And it looks like we're getting a news blast now.
So, let's turn it over to Tucker Hope at the recon wall.
Tucker Hope: Thank you very much, Brooke.
Well, as you already know, around 10 o'clock this morning, meteorologists began saying that this storm could reach as far south as New Orleans, dusting the city with up to an eighth of an inch of snow.
That, of course, immediately triggered an emergency response from the entire federal government.
This is not going to become another Katrina or BP oil spill like everybody is probably thinking.
Uh, president Obama has already ordered over, uh, 6,000 relief workers and over 500 vehicles carrying food and medical supplies.
We know Louisiana has been through a lot recently, but we're on top of it this time We swear.
And we're just getting word now that those rescue operations have been launched, as the temperature in New Orleans has just dipped to 40 degrees.
So far, there have been no reported injuries from the possible light snowfall, but over 25 people in the area have reported feeling a bit chilly.
Brooke.
Thank you, Tucker.
You bet.
I think it's wonderful that no matter how much God explicitly tells us New Orleans is doomed, we keep trying to save it.
Well, believe it or not, there was some news today other than the midwest snowstorm.
Our top story tonight The Department of Defense made an historic change to military policy today.
For the first time ever, women will be allowed to serve in combat provided they are supervised by a male chaperon.
The Onion News Network's John Harris filed this story from Kandahar.
John Harris: Well, although about 20% of the U.
S.
soldiers are female, women have never been allowed to serve in ground combat units until today.
This is the 21st century, and, uh, women supervised by men are equal to men in every way.
The chaperone can be, well, any man, really, as long as he's there to provide a shoulder for the woman to cry on after she's mortared an enemy position or taken out an assurgent.
And the female soldiers themselves are applauding the new program.
Roger is not a bad guy per se.
I mean, he finally stopped calling me private sweetheart, so that's good.
It's kinda like having a dog.
Alicia's doing a super job.
Lots of times, she really doesn't even need me here.
Hey, Alicia, how about a brewsky? The military is currently seeking men for the chaperone project.
No experience is necessary, and you will split the female soldier's salary with her.
For these women in the military and their male chaperones, it's the end of a long march toward equality.
You go, girls.
From Kandahar, I'm John Harris.
Thank you, John.
All right If you're not able to form your own opinion about this issue, don't worry.
Let's go to the "Factzone's" first responders for some expert analysis.
Hello, first responders.
Duncan Birch: Hello.
Well, this program has undergone some criticism because they send out the male chaperones without requiring them to undergo any kind of sensitivity training.
Uh, Duncan, what's your take on that? I think this is a real problem.
If the female soldier is taking cover from enemy fire, but then thinks about how that makes her feel, and then wants to analyze why she feels that way, the chaperone is not gonna know what to say, she's gonna get upset, and they're both gonna killed.
Lauralee, do you agree with this? Lauralee Hickok: No.
I-I think that the women need the extra training.
They ned to be taught how not to go falling in love with these male chaperones.
Right.
'Cause you know that's gonna happen.
Well, that's an interesting point.
Now, but you know, another criticism with this program, of course, is the price tag.
It's gonna cost the taxpayers $760 million a year to pay for these chaperones.
Jason, is that worth it? Jason Copeland: Well, we really don't have any other option now, Brook.
I mean, if they if we take away the chaperones, the Pentagon will have to look into the big lashy doe eyes of the female soldiers and tell them they can't fight, anymore.
It would just break their hearts to have to do that.
Another criticism this program is coming under is, of course, the requirement that the female soldiers have to cook dinner for their chaperones every night.
Yeah, but that-that is only fair.
If the chaperone's been saving your life all day long, the least you could do would be to make him a-a chicken dinner or a shepherd's pie just to say "thank you.
" I think that there should also be a requirement that they give the male chaperone a massage, if he looks tense.
Well, you know, an op-ed piece at "The Times" this morning did say that this program could face some of the same problems as a short-lived tether program that was tried during the Gulf War.
What do you think of that? Well, uh, uh, that-that did keep the female soldiers from wandering into enemy fire and getting hurt.
There were just a few kinks to work out.
Whether they're tethered or not, I think that all women should have a male chaperone.
I've had one for the past five years, and he has kept me safe.
Well, you have a little firsthand experience with that, then.
Oh, tons.
Yeah.
Raymond is wonderful.
He really is.
I'd be absolutely lost without him.
All right Thank you so much for your great insight, first responders.
And, Duncan, is it true you have four books coming out this week? Uh, five, actually.
Five? Wow, you are a machine.
I'm still working on my autobiography.
I've got about 30,000 pages done, so far.
Keep at it.
Yeah, I will.
Okay, we need to take a short break, right now.
Keep it locked in the "Factzone," where we are continuing to track that super storm wreaking havoc on parts of the country.
We're just getting an update that an Ohio man has miraculously survived a harrowing three block walk through the blizzard to get some pop ice Stay with us.
Brooke: You are back in the "Factzone.
" Please, no talking to anyone at home for the duration of the program.
We have an update now on the situation in New Orleans.
The nation's entire emergency response apparatus has descended on the city to deal with the potential light snowfall that may hit the region within the next hour.
The Onion News Network's Andrea Bennett is on the ground in the French Quarter.
Andrea, what is the scene like there? Andrea Bennett: Well, Brooke, Bourbon Street and surrounding areas have been evacuated.
The administration's multi-agency coordinated response team has commandeered snow plows from hundreds of cities.
There is now about one snow plow per block here.
Even if snow does start falling, it's predicted there will be no more than a quarter inch of accumulation, but the plows have been ordered to drive back and forth all night as a precaution.
Okay Yeah.
Now, the National Guard has also instituted a strict curfew to keep transportation routes clear for emergency supply shipments, and soldiers have been instructed to shoot any looters on sight.
Okay, so they don't wanna take any chances this time.
No, they absolutely do not.
Now, I don't know if you can hear the helicopters above me here, but there have been dozens of them circling the city nonstop so that if for some reason someone ends up on a rooftop and needs to be rescued, they will definitely not have to wait for days.
Oh, well, that is good news for anyone worried about that possibility.
Absolutely, and, you know, president Obama has also deployed a 500-person cleanup crew to the gulf coast just in case the scattered snow showers happen to damage any offshore oil rigs in the area.
Okay okay.
Andrea, can you just, uh, um Brooke, I'm sorry to interrupt, but a few flakes have started to fall here.
Emergency air raid sirens have just started, and I am now being told that I must evacuate this area.
All right.
Thank you so much for the update, Andrea.
Stay warm down there.
Thanks, Brooke.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Yeah I can't tell ya how many dead reporters I've heard utter those exact same words.
All right In Hollywood today, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are taking matters into their own hands after a series of disturbing encounters with time traveling soldiers from the year 2075 intent on attacking their daughter, Suri.
The couple's publicist announced at a press conference yesterday that a trans-temporal mercenary named Vix Topgun is now on the Cruise family payroll.
Mr.
Topgun appeared out of a glowing blue portal last night, while the Hollywood power couple was out, and offered to protect Suri for the price of 400 million suriads or $50,000, which the Cruises accepted immediately.
Tom would like to say that he has full confidence in the Los Angeles police department and that Vix Topgun is just here to help him sleep better at night and to guarantee that no one will disrupt the final transformation.
Any man or feman who approaches the dread queen will have their flesh melted into Zafkar fuel by Vix Topgun.
The ascendancy cannot be stopped.
Show me the money.
Show me the money.
Tom and Vix Topgun have gone straight to work building a protective magnofield in a defector roasting pit at Cruise's Malibu home.
Let's hope that keeps her safe.
Let's hope that keeps her safe.
And in Washington this afternoon, congress attempted to pass a law but failed after neither the house nor the senate could remember how to do it.
For more details, here's Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael.
Jane Carmichael: Hi, Brooke.
The bill in question is the challenger memorial statue act of 2011, which would allocate $50,000 to create a memorial to the challenger astronauts of the air and space museum.
The bill has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats, but unfortunately it's been so long since they actually passed any legislation that not one person in congress remembers the protocol for making the bill into a law.
Well, Jane, you'd think as lawmakers they'd be passing bills all the time.
Well, they introduce a lot of bills, but then usually they get held up in questioning the motives and patriotism of whoever proposed them.
But didn't they just pass one or two bills last year? They did, but each time they had to go to former senator Chris Dodd to help them through the process.
He was apparently the go-to guy for that kind of thing, but now that he's retired, they're Well, why can't they just call him? Well, they did, reportedly, but he told them, quote, "I don't work there anymore, and I'm not about to do charity work.
" At that point, several senators tried to go online to find instructions on bill passing but then quickly became distracted updating their Twitter feeds with disparaging remarks about political rivals and checking Facebook to see if they had any new supporters.
Well, it seems that congress is in the middle of an emergency policy session to try and jog their memories.
Let's just take a look at that now.
As I recall, we say, "aye.
" And then, as no long as nobody says, "nay," the bill is passed into law.
I know somebody hits a gavel.
I concur.
I also remember a gavel being involved, at some point.
Well, in that case, I move that we look up stores where we can buy a gavel.
Let the record reflect that we have decided to figure out where we can get a gavel from.
Uh, Mr.
Chairman, I have a question.
Uh, I think Don't you have to tell me when to talk? Oh, right.
Uh, you can, uh, have the floor.
Ah, good.
Now, once it's ready to be passed into law, we email it to the president.
Correct? I don't know.
We probably have to glue it into a book where all the other laws are.
That makes sense.
Wait Isn't there a library of congress? Yeah.
Yeah.
The book with all the laws must be in the library of congress.
I move that we find out where this library is.
Does anybody know? No.
I have no idea.
Hmm.
Damn it! Oh, it looks like they aren't having much luck.
No, but they'll keep trying.
Next, congress will try saying the law on TV to see if that makes it official.
And after that, they'll have all of the bill's supporters stand in a circle and shake hands with one another simultaneously to see if that works.
Yeah Well, let's hope they figure it out.
And remember, Jane, uh, eyeliner can work wonders.
We have to take a quick break now.
But first, let's check in with another of the Onion News Network's live 365 weather cams, this time from Iowa.
Okay, it looks like a lot of snow there, we'll be right back.
Brooke: Welcome back to the "Factzone" where fine journalism and huge ratings walk hand in hand.
"Cross Examination with Shelby Cross" is one of our top programs here on the Onion News Network.
Well, yesterday, Shelby warned us about Al-Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic, peaceful, decoy Muslims in order to get us to lower our guard.
To explain more about this looming threat, former prosecutor Shelby joins us, right now.
Shelby Cross: Hi, Brooke.
Hi, Shelby.
Now, you have been telling your viewers that Al-Qaeda actually has more than five million decoy Muslims in our country to soften us up for their next attack.
Yes, and attack they will, if we don't do something.
Listen.
These friendly decoy Muslims are virtually everywhere.
Walking among us.
Making people think, hey, Muslims, they're just like you and me.
I mean, there's no reason It wouldn't be fair for the police to stop and question every Muslim that's out in public the way Shelby Cross is suggesting because, ooh, that would just be racist.
Yeah.
Well, that-that is exactly what Al-Qaeda is counting on.
So-so, Shelby, what can we do? Well, if you see a Muslim, I say just walk straight up to them, and under your breath, just say, "I'm on to you.
" Oh.
Okay, I don't care if it's a man, a woman, or an adorable little brown baby jihadist in a stroller.
Oh, okay.
But, Shelby, you have also made it clear to your viewers that these decoy Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes you can't even tell they're Muslim.
Yeah Oh, yeah.
No, as ma they'll-they'll-they'll- They'll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans, as, uh, as Vietnamese.
Hmm.
I mean, there's absolutely nothing that would let you know that they were, in fact, secretly Muslim.
Now, if-if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes up to me, I just cuff 'em.
I pat 'em down.
And then, I look right in the eyes, and I say, "Hey, where ya hidin' your Koran, Achmen?" So, you have to be on your guard, at all times.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But listen.
Don't get too close to them.
They're extremely dangerous in that they are very, very friendly.
Uh-huh.
Very easy to become friends with them.
And next thing you know, hey, you could become a-a-a walking decoy Muslim.
Okay, Shelby, we don't want that.
So-so, what can we do to protect ourselves? Well, if you really suspect that you are in the presence of-of a decoy Muslim Yeah.
The only sure thing you can do is actually shoot them.
Now, if they start crying out in Arabic, as they die Yeah yeah right.
Uh, you will know that-that person is, in fact, a Muslim, and you were right.
You saved yourself the unfortunate end of being blown up.
Mmm-hmm.
If they don't cry out that way, they're not a Muslim, and you can go ahead and trust them.
Okay, but they'd be dead, Shelby.
Yeah, but a-a dead man is the only man you can trust.
You know that.
Rule number one.
Yeah Yeah.
Okay Thank you, Shelby.
All right.
Now, let's go to Tucker Hope, who has some updates for us on the winter weather battering the nation.
Tucker: Thank you very much, Brooke.
We have some more news now on those seven snowmobilers from Ohio.
Sadly, they are still not lost in the wilderness due to the storm.
And despite the heavy snow and poor visibility, they continue to whip around on their stupid snowmobiles and act like a bunch of jerks.
Ohio senator Sherrod Brown met with the families of the snowmobilers earlier today to express his condolences that the group of assholes are still out there living it up and not lying bay injured somewhere deep in the woods.
Our thoughts and prayers are certainly with them during this time, and we hope that at least one of the snowmobiling dumb shits drives off a cliff soon.
And in Chicago, the police have just issued an emergency warning that the so-called snowstorm killer has killed yet again.
He's killed over 60 people this winter already, typically preying on the homeless during cold nights.
His signature method is to get the victim drunk, brutally freeze them to death, and then dump them in a snowdrift near one of their normal hangouts.
So, to all of our homeless viewers in Chicago, please stay safe out there tonight.
And some new information coming in, right now, from New Orleans.
And as you can see from this weather map, New Orleans is actually receiving some light snow flurries.
Rescue workers have begun the preemptive safety measure of rounding up all ninth ward residents and locking them inside the Superdome.
There, they will be held for at least one month to make sure that the snowstorm has dissipated and has no chance of returning.
Portable bathrooms should be arriving by next week.
Brooke.
Thanks, Tucker.
I, for one, love this weather.
It reminds me of my childhood in Russia, except, you know, not as many wolves, thankfully.
Well, earlier this week, we brought you the tragic story of 23-year-old Washington DC native Danielle Henry, who was hit by a stray bullet and killed.
Today, hundreds of friends and family gathered for her funeral, and the Onion News Network's autistic reporter, Michael Falk, was there.
Michael, what was the scene like today? Michael Falk: What was the scene like today? Thank you, Brooke Alvarez.
I am standing here outside holy covenant church in Washington DC, where people have gathered to say things about Danielle Henry before putting her dead body in the ground.
Many onlookers have tried to quiet Danielle's mother by placing both of their arms around her and slapping her on the back.
An Onion News Network reporter was there to talk to the mother earlier.
How do you feel about your daughter getting shot? Ah! Oh, come on.
She don't wanna talk to you.
Why? Why do you think? Get outta here! Get outta here! Danielle's mother was wearing a shirt that was missing the second bottom from the button in a row of seven.
The buttons were black.
Many other people came to the church to say that it is a bad thing that Danielle is a dead body now.
Among those people was city councilman, William Braderman.
Well, it's just awful.
More and more innocent people are getting killed every year.
In 2010, there were 132 homicides in Detroit.
In 2009, there were 141 homicides in Detroit.
In 2008, there were 186 homicides in Detroit.
In 2007, there were 181 homicides in Detroit.
Those are quite a number.
In 2006, there were 169 homicides in Detroit.
Okay.
How do you think people in the neighborhood feel about today's funeral? How do you think they feel? How do you think they feel? Happy because they get to see each other.
No.
Sad because Danielle is dead.
Yes.
Yes.
Very troubling story.
It sounds like a very sad day.
No I saw three red cars.
It was a very good day.
Okay Thank you, Michael.
Okay Let's go now to Gainesville, Florida, where some typos have marred an otherwise powerful protest march.
Approximately 300 people showed up, expressing outrage.
This is rebel cocktail! Time is short! You must prevent Suri from The Suris have discovered our stronghold! We cannot contain them! Listen to me! Do not see "Mission Impossible 6" when it comes out in 2018! Plays an insidious mind control device that will cause you to turn on your own family! Please, Suri must not consummate her marriage to Jaden Smith in 2029! It must be stopped at all costs! Brooke: Thanks for tunneling your way under the fence and back into the "Factzone.
" Don't forget.
Every night this week on the Onion News Network, tune in for our special miniseries, "Dumb in America," a five-part television event exploring the lives of America's dumbest people and asking what it means to be dumb today.
Tonight's episode focuses on people who frequently get their head stuck in things.
Definitely make sure not to miss that one.
All right.
Now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about something that's been in my sights.
Being a journalist is as much about what not to cover as it is about what you put on the air.
So, I just wanted to address the Memphis murderer who keeps sending me letters, wondering why I haven't mentioned him on the air.
Sir, you're really gonna have to step up your game, if you want this network to report on your repeated, though I'd hardly say serial, killings.
It's 2011.
The days when someone can strangle a few hookers and expect it covered on the highest rated news program on cable television is long gone.
Dead prostitutes? The only thing more expected would have been a string of identical secretaries with the same hair color as your ex-wife.
You want a serial killer nickname? Earn it.
Impress me.
Do something that's never been done before.
Take out the treasurer of every state assembly coast to coast.
Kill 20 Swiss olympians and make a raft out of their severed limbs.
Something, anything that shows an ounce of creativity.
Listen.
Obviously, you're trying.
Okay? But you're just gonna have to try a little harder, if you want me to pay attention.
I'm not some family member of one of your victims.
I'm Brooke Alvarez, the undisputed world news leader.
Okay.
That's all the time we have for you today in the "Factzone," but we do have Joad Cressbeckler standing by.
Hey, Joad, what about all that snow? I likes it.
Congress makes them dustier folks stand out.
Well, the last I , that is true, Joad.
Well, that's gonna do it for us here in the "Factzone".
Thanks for watching.
You did the right thing.