The Paul Reiser Show (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

So the other day, I'm watching my kids paint the dog, and I got to thinking, "Maybe we're not doing "that great a job with the kids.
" You know, I watch other parents.
They seem to handle their business just fine you know, no problems.
My wife assures me that may not be the case.
You know, people say their kids are doing great.
But, really, who knows? By the way, we're not doing that great a job with the dog either.
[Quirky Tango music.]
Hey! Why is your homework not in your backpack? I'm coming to get it.
All right, I'm leaving it here on the on the thing.
All right, so I think I told you that Zekey has a playdate after school, so you don't have to pick him up.
Okay.
[Animal screeches.]
Oh, my God.
There it is.
[Animal screeches.]
All right, it's definitely a cat of some kind.
- We don't have a cat.
- This is my concern.
[Animal screeches.]
Aah! Uh Maybe the loudest cat in the world.
I'm not arguing.
If that thing keeps me up one more night, I swear - Okay, dad, let's go! - All right, let's go.
- Lunch.
- Oh, homework.
Mwah.
And, you know, he has a playdate after school.
You just said Zekey has a playdate.
No, no, I said Zekey is going to a playdate.
Gabey has a playdate coming here.
Got ya.
And it might turn into a sleepover.
- We're not sure.
- All right.
Oh, and I have to pick him up at 11:00 for his dentist appointment.
Wait.
He's going to the dentist in the middle of school? Oh, you know, if you want to take over the scheduling No, no, you're doing great.
You're doing great.
I'm just saying I'm sorry.
It is impossible to get an appointment with this guy.
So when they called, I took it.
Because you are clever.
No.
Actually, my brain is not really working 'cause I'm not sleeping.
- Because of the cat.
- Yes.
And if it keeps me up again [Animal screeches.]
Okay, are you kidding me? I'm gonna find the cat.
I'm gonna find the cat.
And I'm gonna rid our home of his incessant howling.
This I pledge to you this very day.
- That would be good.
- Come on, dad, let's go.
- Bye.
I'm coming.
- Bye.
[Animal screeches.]
Shut up! - Honey.
- I'm sorry.
That was uncalled for.
Dad, come on.
Okay.
[Animal screeches softly.]
[School bell rings.]
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
- Don't run.
- No, dad.
Okay, okay, honey.
Okay, can you let go of daddy's pants? Please, because you got a little skin.
All right.
Go on.
You have the best day ever! [School bell rings.]
Kid's got abandonment issues, you know? I couldn't get away from my parents fast enough.
Well, you must be doing something right.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah Or not.
Hey, let me ask you.
- What do you know about cats? - Worst musical I've ever seen.
Cats.
Cats, cats, cats.
We got a cat somewhere in our backyard really loud.
But I can't we can't see him.
Well, maybe you just have the audio of a cat.
- What? - It's not really my field.
Well, who who would I call? Is that, like, animal control? No, animal control only comes if it's dead or if it attacks someone.
You know what you do? Next time you see the cat, ask it to maul a houseguest and then call.
What's that? You got a cat? I didn't mean to.
It's in my backyard, but I can't find him.
- I used to be a cat tracker.
- You what? Back home I used to track cats.
- Professionally? - No.
It's a hobby.
All small animals, like squer-rels.
- Like what? - Squer-rel.
- Squirrel? Squirrel.
- Squer-rels, squer-rels, uh, muskrats, gophers you know, they adore me.
- They adore you? - Muskrats adore you? I'm not bragging.
I-I'm just saying.
It's a gift I have.
Could you if you came to the house, - you'd be able to - Of course.
I'll run home.
I'll get my cat kit.
I'll be right over, two shakes of a lamb's tail.
- He's got a cat kit.
- Not lost on me.
He already has it.
There's no assembling.
In his house is a kit for a cat.
My son.
[Chuckles.]
Where did he get the matches? [Laughing.]
But Lowery's doing a little bit better, right? Yes.
But sometimes in class, he can be a bit - Distracted? - Well - Excitable? - Not that so much as - Rambunctious? - Let her say it.
I'm sorry.
[School bell rings.]
We can talk more next time.
But I'd like him to try and behave better.
Well, that's fair.
You think you can do that, buddy try and be a better citizen? Sure.
There you go.
- Oops.
- And breaking things - I'd like to work on that too.
- Also fair.
So the great thing about, uh, Sammy sleeping over at your house tonight the wife and I booked a lovely little hotel room for, uh Uh, a little, uh - A little marital congress.
- Good for you.
It's so hard to plan, right? Oh, say no more.
Say no more.
Between the work schedules and arranging the childcare and my wife's hormones hey, seriously, I'm saying, "say no more.
" - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Brad.
- Hey.
- What's going on? I'm just here for a teacher conference.
Lowery broke something again.
- Is a handful.
- Your kid, man - Hey.
Morning, fellas.
- Hey, what do you say, Henry? - Brad.
Jonathan.
- Hi, Henry.
How are you? [Creepily.]
Hi.
Did you see that? The guy scares the hell out of me.
You guys got a nice "hello.
" I got a death stare.
Yeah, I noticed.
The gentleman does not seem to cotton to you.
What'd I do? I never had more than two words with this guy, ever.
You ever see that guy on TV? My children won't even look at him so scary.
Why would you start up with him? I didn't start.
I said, "hello.
" Hey.
What are you guys up to? Hey.
What is with your friend Henry? Oh, that's just his look, you know.
Goes with the whole tattoo, rock-and-roll thing.
He's actually a really sweet guy.
Not to me.
Yeah, you should've seen the look he just shot Paul.
Yeah.
It was ugly.
Do me a favor find out what that's about, would you? - Why don't you find out? - Because he's your friend.
Plus, he scares me.
I'm telling you, I hear it.
Is it possible you imagined it? You think I made up a whole cat? Cats are very mystical.
They can get into your mind.
Before this happened, were you thinking about cats? - No.
Never.
- Maybe he's haunting you.
Did you kill a cat recently? No.
Oh, I'm sorry, recently? Uh, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah No.
[Animal screeches.]
Okay.
You see, there he is.
There he is.
I told you cats are very crafty.
They only make a sound if they have to.
[Animal screeches.]
He's trying to communicate with us.
[Cell phone rings.]
That could be him right now.
- Hello? - Well, you were right.
Great.
About what? Henry.
Boy, he doesn't like you.
Are you kidding? Why? What did I do? Did you tell somebody that you didn't think he was funny? That he's not funny? Aah ah-ah-ah No! Never.
I may have thought it.
Yeah, well, he's up for a part in some movie, like a-a comedy or something.
And apparently you told the producer that you didn't think he was funny.
What? When? You were at some party.
Oh! No, I know what you're talking No.
I never said he wasn't funny.
The producer said he was thinking of hiring Henry, and I said I didn't know how funny he is.
You see the difference? No.
Not that he's not funny, just that if he is, I wouldn't know it.
Well, either way, now it looks like he's not gonna get the part.
- What, 'cause of me? - Yep.
- [Smooching.]
- Nobody listens to me.
My own kids don't listen to me.
You know, I really don't like being in the middle of this, Pauly.
So get out of the middle! Just tell your friend I never said anything and if I did, I didn't mean it, okay? How about this? Tell Henry, "try getting a sense of humor.
" [Sighs.]
All right.
[Cell phone beeps.]
The cat is underground? He's tunneling.
Tunneling? Huh.
I'm here with Gabe.
He has an 11:00 appointment.
- Hi.
We changed that.
- What? Remember? You called to ask if we could switch you to after school.
We called you this morning.
Ugh.
I never checked.
I'm so I haven't slept lately.
We have this huge cat.
[Gasps.]
I love cats.
You know what? Take a seat, and I'll ask the dentist to try to squeeze you in.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's so great Ugh, 'cause I just pulled him out of school and everything.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a bad mother.
[Metal snaps.]
Hey, that's my sprinkler system.
You want me to catch the cat or not? Yeah.
But how would a cat even get down a hole? Maybe tripped or perhaps pushed.
Some people don't like cats.
It's such a big hole.
What if we put a hose down there and then float him up? Cats don't like water.
You wouldn't even have to turn it on.
Just, you know, when you put the hose down, the minute he sees the hose, he'll go, "ah, water's coming!" And then scramble out of there, 'cause he's scared of the Okay Just an idea.
You don't like it, you don't like it.
That's all right.
Okay.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Come to daddy.
Ah, I-I okay.
Okay.
I got his shoulders.
- Yeah? Really? - Yeah.
Okay.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Go uh, go get me a saucer of cream, 'cause kitty's gonna be dehydrated.
- Great.
- Okay.
Calm down.
Ow! Ow! Ow! - What's the matter? - He's biting me.
- Ooh, so sorry about that.
- He continues to bite.
[Cell phone rings.]
Do you mind if I get this? Please.
[Animal groans.]
Continues to bite as we speak! Okay, stay with it.
Stay with it.
Hello? - I hate this dentist so much.
- Are you still there? He just will not squeeze us in.
So Gabe still hasn't gone back to school? Uh, no, I'm saying what a jerk this dentist is.
Aaaah! Please! Kitty's very hungry! Okay, you know what? Rest before you do that again.
And then this mom starts to give me this whole lecture on dental health because I was giving Gabe Tootsie rolls.
- Ah, come on.
- Why is that her business? Why didn't you just go out and get real food? Because I couldn't leave to go get real food, or we would lose our spot, and our son's hungry.
Oh, well, that's like Sophie's Choice.
You had yourself a real dilemma.
Ow.
Okay, literally, through the phone, I felt that.
This has not been a good day.
I'm sorry, honey.
What can I do to help? Well, we're not gonna make it out of here in time for Gabe's playdate.
- Dah-dah-dah! Aah! [Animal screeches.]
I had him, but I lost him.
[Snorts.]
So I need you to go over to the school.
And pick up my kid's playdate to play with my kid who's not home? - Yeah, okay, well, blame me.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
The dentist is only seeing good mothers.
Of course.
Yes.
Got to go.
Sweetie, got to go.
Bye.
- Here we go.
- Hey.
There it is.
I see you.
Hi, buddy.
Almost there.
It's coming.
It's almost almost there.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh-ho! Hey! - Congratulations.
- Aha! - You have a cat.
- Hey, great! - [Meows.]
I don't want a cat.
- Hey, guys.
- Where's Gabe? Dentist.
He's been there all day.
Cool.
[Cell phone rings.]
Ooh.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Uh, hey, what's up? Well, this thing ain't going away.
Oh, jeez.
Now he wants to have a sit-down.
A sit-down? I'm gonna get whacked, aren't I? No, no, no.
He just wants to clear the air.
You know? Would you would you guys just talk? - When? - Right now at my restaurant.
- Now? I can't.
I got to get - It'll take five minutes.
Both of you guys are my friends.
Would you would you do this for me, please? All right.
I'll I'll be there.
- Great.
- All right.
Gabe's gonna be home in a little while.
But we got to make one quick stop first.
- Cool.
Can I drive? - Huh? No.
Are you sure I can't get you anything? Mm-mm.
All right, there he is.
Here we go.
Gentlemen.
Okay, let's do this.
- Hey.
- What's Lowery doing here? Oh, he's got a playdate at my house afterwards, - so I just had to - It's Lowery.
- What did I say? - You said Larry.
- No, I didn't.
- Did too.
Ho, whoa, hey.
All right.
All right.
Break it up.
Um, uh, come on.
Let's let these two guys talk.
Thanks.
[Chuckles.]
So [Chuckles nervously.]
So why is your first name Fernando, but you don't speak any Spanish? Well, um, my mom just liked the name Fernando.
- Why? - [Scoffs.]
- I-it's it's stupid.
- Tell me.
If I tell you, you're gonna laugh at me.
No, I won't.
I promise.
Please? If I'm not funny, fine.
But if I am, you call the producer, take back what you said fair? I never even said that you weren't funny.
I never said that.
Okay.
Oh.
[Exhales sharply.]
This is the part I'm up for.
Let me read it to you You don't need to read a script.
Listen, there's no Okay, listen, I play buddy, the lovable old lifeguard.
Now, I can still swim, but I can't see who I'm rescuing.
Okay.
[Spits.]
The Abba song? You were named Fernando because of Fernando the Abba song? Hey, look, my mom liked the song.
Dude, who's your sister Waterloo? Hey! "Hey, kids, step away from that carcass.
"You don't know where that whale's been.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Westin.
"I thought you were somebody else.
" - It's funny.
- Right? Because he thinks Mrs.
Westin is a whale, because his eyes are bad.
Okay, good, good, good.
No, I get it.
I get it.
There's another scene here.
It's more physical comedy.
It's not so cerebral as that last one.
Let's see, it's right after the dance montage.
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello? One Gabe had one tiny cavity, and the dentist basically acuses me of being an unfit mother.
Please tell me that you're on your way home.
Yes, finally, just like seven hours later.
Okay.
Good.
So then we're on our way too.
Okay.
You know what, Henry? Really sorry.
I got to run.
But you can see that it's funny, though, right? Oh, for sure.
So make that call, and you'll tell them.
- Absolutely.
Happy to.
- Oh, thanks, pal.
Okay.
[Coughing.]
Okay.
Okay.
Lowery.
Lowery, let's get going, buddy.
All right, Henry, you got it.
Come on.
Let's go.
Ready, Lowery? - Funny, right? - Definitely.
See? But he told me to say that no matter what.
I did not! No, I didn't.
What are you doing? Messing with you.
At least let me finish the scene.
Uh, I-I got to get going.
- I'll go with you.
- No.
I mean, no, 'cause it's already funny.
You're funny.
And by the way, I never said you weren't funny.
I can read it to you in the car.
I don't have a car.
Go.
This isn't over! I got to pee.
Tell Gabey his little buddy is here and waiting to start his playdate.
Great.
Where is he? He's in the other room watching TV.
Whoa! [Glass shatters.]
Uh, yeah, I wouldn't stand on those shelves.
All right, I'm just gonna pick up some groceries.
Just come home soon, please.
Hey, do me a favor.
Stay stay here, where I can keep an eye on you, would you? - Hi, kitty.
- It's a nice cat, right? - Yeah, I guess.
- You want him? I can't.
My mom is really allergic.
Oh.
When cats die, is there, like, a separate cat hell? - Cat hell? - Mm-hmm.
Why why would you assume he's not going to cat heaven? I don't know.
He looks evil.
Really? This cat looks evil? - Hello? - Hello.
Don't don't don't kill him, okay? - Hello? - Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? Just, uh, came by to bring my son his special fishy jammies, Not 'cause he needs them or anything.
He's not a baby.
He just can't sleep without them.
- Why would you bring them here? - What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Hey, um, do you have any pickles? - This is not my son.
- Who said it was? You were supposed to pick up my son for a playdate.
You didn't have a playdate here today? Mm-mm.
- I got the wrong kid.
- Oh, my God! Sammy's still waiting at school! [Distant thud.]
Oh, I'll go with you.
I'll go with you.
- I think your sink broke! - What? What did you do? [Water gushing.]
Uh [Mutters.]
Sammy! Sammy! Oh, my God.
Sweetie, I am so sorry.
I never even Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
It was entirely Paul's fault.
I want you're choking daddy.
You're choking daddy.
Okay, do you mean to be choking daddy? Are you angry with daddy? [Chokes.]
And I just don't know where he could be.
I mean, Lowery is always the first one out.
He's with Paul! Lowery's at Paul's house.
He's fine.
Paul's been trying to call you.
Oh, my God.
I forgot my phone.
But what's he doing at Paul's house? He was supposed to pick up my kid, but he picked up yours instead.
How can he pick up the wrong kid? Because he's an idiot! Oh.
It's okay.
You see? I told you not to worry.
- [Sneezes.]
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Allergies.
- What are you allergic to? Persians well, all cats in general, but Persians and Calicos affect me the most.
Oh, cats! Oh, I thought you meant, um - No.
- Well, no, no.
I was holding a cat.
Oh.
I just performed a cat rescue at Paul's house.
Oh, that's lovely.
[Sneezes.]
Could you move away, please? Ah.
[Laughs.]
This could kill me, actually.
[Sneezing.]
Okay, have you said thank you for the, uh, unscheduled hospitality? Thank you for the unscheduled hospitality.
I am so sorry for what Paul did.
Oh, no, no.
That could happen to anybody.
What's that like kidnapping? It's got to be weird, right? Again.
I-I'm so sorry.
It's just we haven't been sleeping, so Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's not get too much cat on us there, honey.
You know how mommy gets.
How is Caitlin doing? Oh, two or three days, doctors say she'll be right as rain.
So sorry about that too.
- Hello? - [Groans.]
Hello? I just came to pick up my son's jammies.
He needs security, especially after having been abandoned and traumatized.
I am so sorry for what Paul did.
We're just we're just off our game today.
No.
We're very bad parents is what it is.
Don't blame yourself.
Blame him.
The wrong kid! You picked up the wrong kid? I-I-I apologize.
Are you and Betsy gonna get to use that hotel room tonight? I don't think it's such a good night for mommy and daddy to go out.
Do you? Again, couldn't be more sorry.
I-I-I'm terribly sorry.
I-I-I believe me, that was but a lot of this is Claire's fault.
- Oh, Claire? - Yes, because she wasn't the one who picked up the wrong kid, but she wasn't that clear in telling me which kid to pick up.
[Cat meows.]
- You like the cat? - Mm-hmm.
- You want him? - Mm-hmm.
Really? Okay.
Hey.
Look at that.
Oh, that's - Hey.
- Look at that.
See? We took an "ow day" and turned it into a "meow day.
" Yeah.
Great.
He can smother it with affection.
Take some of the pressure off me.
[Doorbell rings.]
I'll get it.
Who's that? I sent an email out to everybody at the school about the cat, and a family already got back to me and wants it.
You didn't tell me that.
I just gave the cat to Sammy.
- You guys! - We haven't slept.
I'm here for the cat.
For the ca Well, Lowery was very clear.
The kitten went down the hole.
- Do you see him down there? - Are you sure it's a cat? It doesn't look like a cat hole.
That's our neighbor's cat.
Chairman Meow.
I love him.
I'll get him for you.
Watch here, baby come to Uncle Habib.
That's it, come on That's it! Aaaah! Oooooh! Aaaaah! You alright? What do you know.
That's not a cat at all.
It's a rabid squer-rel! You'll be alright.
Cool.