The Pentaverate (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 The Musk approaching New York.
Dubrovnik originating.
Musk from Dubrovnik now arriving at Pentaverate HQ.
So Alice Cooper turns to the cop and says, "You think you've got problems.
" "I just took a shit on a turtle.
" Turtle! He's not happy with that.
- I don't like it.
I love it.
- Hut! Oh! Ah, there he is! There's our man.
Yes! Welcome, Professor Clark.
Be seated.
Now, y'all know I'm gonna expect this every day, right? - Good morning, men.
- Good morning, Patty.
Good morning, Patty.
Patty, are you wearing open-toed sandals? My eyes are up here, Mr.
Baldwin.
All right, listen up, Pentaverate Five.
We've got a lot of work to do today.
The Meadows is in three days.
- What is it? - The Meadows.
- MENTOR! - Jesus! Every year, the Pentaverate meets with world leaders in Switzerland at an event known as The Meadows.
The Meadows is part celebration of their achievements, part announcing what impending global catastrophe the Pentaverate is going to tackle next.
Kind of like Davos, except it's secret and there's an orgy.
Now Professor Clark is here to help us resume the work of our late colleague Jason Eccleston, but first - My man.
- I have a few announcements.
The main chamber bathroom is officially out of order, so number ones only.
Yes, I'm looking at you, Mishu.
What? I did only number ones.
That's a lie, Mishu, and you know it.
Someone dropped a deuce in there.
Yes, but in Russia, number one is poo-poo, and number two is pee-pee.
Pee-pee is subordinate to poo-poo.
Look it up! Wikipedia.
What? I did number ones! Thanks, Mishu.
I'll keep that in mind the next time I take a dump in the Kremlin.
Toodles.
So this is what we do here? This is what we do? Tell you what, why don't you just try and sit there and be stupid new guy for a while? - Stupid new guy? - Strewth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I I couldn't hear you over all of my advanced degrees.
Advanced degrees.
Here, they do not "cunt.
" - Come again? - They don't "cunt" here.
He's saying "count.
" He's Russian.
Yes, one, two, three.
I'm "cunting.
" What? That's just nasty.
You nasty.
I put curse on you.
I'm sorry.
Who who is this? I am the Maester of Dubrovnik.
You the Maester of Dubrovnik? Oh, that solves everything.
The Maester? I'm here to investigate the death of Jason Eccleston.
Good day, Maester.
Can we help you with your bag? No! My Maenisters will take care of my net of regrets.
I am Ergo.
Ergo! And I am Anso.
Anso! Come here, little pumpkin.
Oh! Look at you, mon petit chou chou.
Come here.
Ah! Mmm! Mwah! - Come! We have so much to discuss.
- Yeah! Welcome to New York! I'll take you to Fuddruckers.
What is this fucking place? It's the Pentaverate.
In 1347, five learned men realized that Don't you dare hit that "skip intro" button.
This is important information, and if you think you can remember it from episode one, well, then say it back to me.
Go on! Yeah, you can't, can you? Oh God, now I've run out of time, so Uh, oh, uh, five men realized black plague not a punishment from God but fleas on rats, became a secret society.
The key difference, they're nice.
You got freedom! I'll tell you what to do ♪ Welcome to Truth Battle.
I'm Rex Smith here, sheeple, here in my studios in Roanoke, Virginia.
We're discussing the Pentaverate's annual secret meeting of world leaders known as The Meadows, which takes place in three days in Zermatt, Switzerland, near the Matterhorn.
But first, let me tell you about Rex Smith Male Enhancement Cola.
My cola will not only enhance your performance, but will increase your size.
Rex Smith Male Enhancement Cola.
You'll be happy, and she'll be happy too, 'cause you'll get a boner! Until tomorrow - Stay awake and stay vigilant.
- stay awake and stay vigilant.
Ah! Now Ken, I got a plan to get you into the Pentaverate.
The only way is to infiltrate through the Liechtenstein Guard.
The Liechtenstein Guard? Yeah, it's the Pentaverate's security force.
I would infiltrate myself, but I already tried once.
You didn't get in? No, you have to be circumcised.
I was gonna get it done, but have you ever seen an adult circumcision? I have many times.
Why? So instead, I rolled up my foreskin and Krazy Glued it back, but that didn't work either, 'cause of the tug test.
The what now? The tug test.
Took away seven layers of dermis.
Speaking of which, I gotta take a leak, but the chemical toilet's on the fritz.
We can stop at Big Dick's other hotel, The Old Log Inn.
How far is The Old Log Inn? Not far.
It's in the town of Nuts Deep.
So The Old Log is in Nuts Deep.
- Really? - Do you have to repeat everything I say? Anthony, do you mind if I make a phone call? Not at all.
Hey, Ken.
Mrs.
Snee! I'm in Nuts Deep.
New York? Hey, my son played a hockey tournament there.
What are you doing in that town that actually exists? Okay, what I'm about to tell you is gonna sound like a lot of balloon juice, but I think I may have found a story so big I'd get my job back.
Okay.
Mrs.
Snee, we need you back on comms.
Oh, uh, no, Ken.
We've already replaced ya.
I'm sorry.
I'm Darleen Windelchuck with Hard-Hit News.
You've just been hit hard.
Well, Reilly, I'm done like dinner.
Hey, why are you feeling sorry for yourself? We're from Canada.
We don't give up, eh? There's so much to your story.
And I'm gonna help you write it.
Thank you, Reilly.
I'm gonna get my job back.
Did you know that dolphins can queef? What are you talking about?! I just hadn't spoken in a while, and I wanted to feel like I belonged.
Oh.
Okey dokey.
I'm sorry.
Finally.
I have to piss so bad my back teeth are floating.
Ergo, Anso, let us begin the autopsy of Jason Eccleston.
Woman, what made you suspect murder? First of all, it's not "woman.
" It's Patty.
And B, I mean, look at his eyes, Maester.
Jason used to have beautiful brown eyes, you know, and and then I noticed - Ah! Eyes turned blue.
- Yeah.
Interesting.
- Ah, woman - No, Patty.
Be gone with you.
I'm leaving now.
Not because you said, "Be gone with you," which is just aggressive.
I'm leaving because it smells like dude, and y'all need to wash your balls more often.
Anso, document my findings.
The victim is of masculine sex.
Height, four cubits.
Weight, 17 stone.
Ergo, vent the gas.
Stomach contents Doritos.
Possibly Cool Ranch.
Pizza bagels.
Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies.
So he was poisoned? We cannot assume.
Assuming makes an ass out of you, Anso.
Just you.
Well, we don't have a lot of time and so - Yes, Maester? - No, not you, Anso.
And so - Yes, Maester? - No! I just said, "Not you, Anso!" And d d so, what can we conclude? Murder, Maester? Yes, Ergo! Murder! Oh, wow! New York City, eh? There's the Empire State Building.
It's a hoax.
Holy jumpin'.
Okay, Kenny boy, this is Area 52.
Ask for Sammy.
He's the chef.
He's got the security fobs that will get you into the Pentaverate.
Really? A security fob? That's all you need to get into a secret society's headquarters? Well, that and a circumcised penis.
But I already saw Kenny's fireman helmet, and he's good to go.
Anyways, Sammy's really into billiards.
Do you play? A little when I was in the Canadian Army, stationed in Garmisch-Partenkirchen.
Perfect.
If you can beat him, he'll give you a security fob.
Tell him Anthony sent you.
Will do.
Ask for Sammy! - All right.
- Yes! Hey! Welcome to Area 52, where today's special are my famous pork cheeks.
Can I take your new world order? Yeah, you got the Chem Trail, and you got the Anal Probe.
I think I'll go with the Chem Trail.
And for the little lady? I'll just have a water.
With or without fluoride? With fluoride? Your funeral, kid.
- Ask him.
- Are you Sammy? Who's asking? I'm friends with Anthony.
He told me that, uh, you had security fobs to get into the Pentaverate.
For that goofy fuckface? No.
I'm not risking my fucking fob connection for that lump of shit.
Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.
You kiss your mom with that mouth? I'll tell you what.
If you can beat me at pool, I'll give you a fucking fob.
Okey dokey.
You're on.
There's the fucking fob.
Mind if I Mind if you fucking what? Hey, Sammy, you cocksucker! - Kick his fucking ass! - The fuck you just say to me? Are you hard of fucking hearing? I said, "Kick his fucking ass.
" Don't you think it's weird they're swearing so much? They're Americans.
Hey, jagoff! You any fucking good? I certainly am.
Me fucking too.
Holy fuck! Oh, yeah.
Do it, old-timer.
Ah, shit.
These pork cheeks are fucking good.
Yeah.
My cheeks are fucking delicious.
Hey, this fuck-stick broke the fucking balls wide open.
Going for the brown.
Oh shit! Straight in! That's gotta hurt.
Fuck you! Fuck.
Holy fuck! - Holy shit! - You old fuck.
Fucking cocksucker! Seriously, why all the swearing? Like, it's a lot, right? Does anyone else notice how weird that is? You know the one fucking thing these need? Mayo.
But the fucking bottle's all jammed up.
You're putting that shit on my fucking cuisine? Fuck! Shit.
I'm fucking sorry, man.
How can Netflix be okay with this? The language in that last scene was a little strong.
Not quite the "fun for all ages" style we've come to expect from a Mike Myers project.
So let's see that scene again, but this time, we've removed all the bad language.
Enjoy.
- Mind if I? - Are you hard? I certainly am.
Me too.
Oh, yeah.
Do it, old-timer.
Yeah.
My cheeks are wide open.
Going for the brown.
Straight in! That's gotta hurt.
Ooh! I'm just gonna go clean myself up.
Then I'm gonna come back and take care of those balls.
Yeah.
Off the record, is the Illuminati real? Yes.
Both Beyoncé and Jay-Zed are part of it, sadly.
But don't worry, they're double agents.
That's what Lemonade is about! Yes.
Yes.
Oh.
Do you know, I don't think we were prepared for her jelly, ultimately.
Oh no.
Hell, no.
- Wasn't nobody ready for that.
- Really? - No.
- I didn't think so.
Okay, gentlemen, next item on the agenda.
- Meadows decor and party favors.
- Close enough, brother.
As you see here, I've made a model of The Meadows, and I was thinking it could be kind of like a Game of Thrones thing.
I've even put in a moon door.
Look at this.
Bye-bye.
Ah! And Gwyneth Paltrow has agreed to have Goop do the gift bags.
She's even throwing in some of her vibrating eggs.
You know, for shits and Kegels.
All right, gentlemen, you know what you have to do.
Are we seriously talking about party favors? The Pentaverate is a secret global organization dedicated to solving the world's problems.
Things like food insecurity, microplastic pollution, clean water, sex trafficking.
Yes.
Too many women in my country involved in this.
Agreed.
Prostitution is modern-day slavery.
And when they show up at hotel, they don't look like picture on website.
Wait, hold on now.
What now? And when you order twins, they just send over two girls with same colored wig.
- Oh! - This is not twins.
I want real twins! Conjoined at hip like God intended! Uh, thank you, Mishu.
Thank you.
I thought you all brought me here to solve climate change in time for The Meadows? Professor, don't think of us as the Almighty.
Think of us as the alternative.
Well, while y'all continue to waste your time, I'm gonna work on cracking cold fusion.
Something you need me to do.
Something the world needs me to do.
Rather dramatic, don't you think? You're the best.
Give Apple a kiss.
Okay, great.
Just got off the phone with Gwyneth.
She's gonna throw in the vagina candle.
Oh.
Okay, swipe the fob, get in the elevator, boom, you're in the Pentaverate.
These glasses are an exact replica of yours.
There's a miniature camera with a microSD card in the bridge.
It's constantly recording.
There's a built-in microphone.
Hold the button, and we can hear you.
Okay.
Testing.
Testing.
How's your mom? Oof.
Crikey.
Sorry about that.
Ken, this is important.
When you get in there, you gotta get footage of the Pentaverate members.
Right.
Bonus points if you can get the vials of adrenochrome.
Adrenochrome? I can't with this.
Do your research! That's how those pedos get their rocks off.
Got it.
- Bye-bye now.
- Bye.
Bye, Ken.
Next! Come on in, son.
Hold on a sec, it's Percodan o'clock.
I'm Exalted Pikeman Higgins of the Liechtenstein Guard.
What's your name? Ken.
Last name? Doll.
Ken Doll? - Yeah.
- Your name is Ken Doll? Yeah.
Are you married to Barbie? No, but I, uh I do get that a lot.
Tell me, why do you want to join the Liechtenstein Guard? Wh why? I, uh Well, I wanted to change my story and to change my life.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Oh, okay.
Before this, I was a stuntman in Hollywood.
Westerns, mostly.
Then Hollywood changed.
Heroes became ambiguous.
Who's the good guy? Who's the bad guy? - Is that why you stopped being a stuntman? - No, I broke my taint on a pommel horse.
You got any military experience? Yes.
I was in the Canadian Army.
They have an army? Just kidding.
- Hilarious.
- Just one more question.
Midge.
Midge? Barbie's best friend.
Have you met her? I think I have to be a little honest with you.
I made up the name Ken Doll.
Ah, shit.
All right, raise your right hand and repeat after me.
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
Now make your way over to Katie in HR.
- That's it? - That's it.
No tug test? Oh yeah, I plumb forgot.
Drop 'em, soldier.
Now, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me.
Do you need a bite belt? Do I? I mean, I've never Oh f That'll be Ken's tug test.
We can only pray to God his foreskin holds.
Dear Lord, please let Ken's No, I can't say that to God.
No.
It is officially nighttime.
Good night, Pentaverate HQ.
That makes the coefficient 4.
9 E.
Then, that makes E equal to 0.
2 to C squared.
Is that correct? - That's actually correct.
- Good.
The Gaussian concept of the elective affinity of molecules is inert in plasma state.
That's right.
We get the isotope to be stable then.
We're dealing in fractals now, baby.
Ah.
Eyes so blue.
No, use the protein molecule, fucknuts.
Thank you.
I forgot.
One of them is the murderer.
MENTOR can you give me the figures for the separation of hydrogen isotopes? 25.
78 kilojoules equals cold fusion.
Confirmed.
I've cracked cold fusion.
There you are.
See? This place still has a little magic left in it.
- Here you go.
- Hey.
And in time for The Meadows, man! To being dead! - Mmm! - Ooh! - Mmm.
- Mmm! - Mmm! You know what? - Ah! I feel more alive than when I was alive.
Yeah.
Hey, um, let me ask you something.
- Yeah.
- Be honest.
Sure.
Did y'all bring me into the Pentaverate because I was a brother? No.
You're here because you're a brilliant scientist.
They accept everyone, be they a Christian, be they a gay, be they a cripple, be they a spinster, be they a fatty, be they a simpleton, be they an ugger - Got it.
- Yeah.
- I got it.
- Yeah.
If you wanna stick it to the man, stick around.
Here's to being dead.
Well, this old Aussie's gonna hit the hay.
Oh.
All right.
Professor, congratulations.
Well, thank you, mate.
Lovely, lovely.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, Bruce.
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
Welcome aboard.
Oh my God, I thought he'd never leave! - Patty! - What? What? - I I've done it.
- What? - This is the greatest moment of my life.
- What? I cracked cold fusion.
Yes! All right! Oh! I knew you had the right stuff the moment you walked through that door.
I mean, I did it, right? - Yes, you did! - I did! It's the funniest thing.
I was almost asleep.
But, you know, I was just laying there.
I just couldn't sleep.
- Maybe you don't need to sleep.
- Oh? Maybe, um, you need to join me.
- Oh? - And we take a walk on the moon.
- Oh yeah.
- And we look at the stars.
- Oh! - Hmm? They're so, so beautiful.
You know, this crater right here is called the Sea of Tranquility.
Is that so? Mm-hmm.
Well, then, let's make some waves.
- Oh yeah.
- Okay.
Good morning, Pentaverate.
A reminder, The Meadows is in just two days.
I'm Maria Menounos.
Doesn't anyone knock anymore? Oh my God! He's dead!