The Prince (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
♪
♪
- Afternoon tea service
in one minute!
Afternoon tea service
in 55 seconds!
Leave him!
45 seconds.
- Hey, who do I talk to
if I need Thursday off?
♪
- Lovely.
Everything looks
absolutely scrummy.
- Yum, yum,
I fucking love tea.
- Can I feed Camilla
a sugar cube?
- Just one.
- Oh, she took it!
- She's a good girl.
- Would you pour
a little bit of tea
down Prince Philip's throat?
- With pleasure,
Your Royal Highness.
It's, uh
closed, ma'am.
- Here, let me
give it a try.
Sometimes it sticks.
All right, grandpa.
Let's open your mouth
for William.
It's really stuck this time.
- Is it like opening a jar?
Maybe run it under hot water?
Why am I even participating
in this?
- Oh, neat,
Demi Lovato is nonbinary.
Hm, good for them.
Oh, look, you got it open.
- There.
Good as new.
- I would like a treat!
I would like a treat!
The Queen would like a treat!
- Ooh, Mummy, look at all
the yummy, yummy yummies!
Yummy, yummy, yummy,
yummy, yummy.
Yummy, Mummy, Mummy,
Mummy, Mummy.
- You sound
like a fucking idiot.
That's why you're not King,
in case you're wondering.
- Sorry, I got caught up.
- A selection of all
your favorites, ma'am.
- Where's the flummery tart?
Where's the flummery tart?
I don't see it!
I don't--oh!
There it is.
I'll have that.
- Very good, ma'am.
- Gimme, gimme!
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
- So I went online
to see what was new
with Uncle Harry
and Auntie Meghan
and I couldn't find a thing.
Isn't that odd?
I would've thought she'd
have at least popped up
in a tampon commercial by now.
-
Excuse me.
- You're fired.
- Sorry?
- You heard me.
I won't tolerate your constant
coughing and hacking.
- Oh, Mummy, don't.
I love that one.
- You are so weak, Charles.
Like this fucking tea.
Get him out of here.
- Oof.
- Bye, Felicia.
From this day forward,
you will be in charge
of the tea service.
- I don't know what to say,
ma'am.
I'm honored.
- And I want you to know
that I'm super easy
and just have fun with it.
- Oy!
Tea!
Mmm.
Thank you.
- Okay, that kid
freaks me out.
- Okay, slow down.
What exactly did she say
to you again?
- A promotion!
She gave me a promotion, Greg!
Oh, I didn't think things
could possibly get
any better after our wedding.
With the extra money,
we could start saving
for a surrogate!
- Nothing would make me happier
than for us to raise a baby
in this drawer.
- That dresser
has two drawers.
- Twins!
Could you imagine?
- I could.
Don't you see?
It's all happening for us.
We're going to be
one of those couples.
It's just
- What?
- Tea service is a lot.
Do you really think
I'm up to it?
- You listen to me,
Douglas Mitchell Thorpe.
I knew when I met you
that first day
changing Prince Philip's diaper
that you were destined
for even greater things.
- That was already more than I
had ever dreamt for myself.
But I've learned
to dream bigger.
Thanks to you.
- I believe in you.
Just make sure she has
that fucking tart.
- Mwah.
Do you feel rested?
- Not really.
- Hey, Harry, I'm gonna--
Okay, what are you doing?
- Hanging out.
You know, relaxing.
- Um, okay.
It looks like you're standing
kind of rigid and formal.
Not at all relaxed.
- Really?
No.
Opposite, actually.
- Jesus.
What did they do to you?
Anyway, would you mind
looking after Archie?
I have an audition.
- Is it for Martin Scorsese?
- It's for "Last Man Standing,"
but my agent said
it could be recurring.
- I'm sure it's wonderful,
darling,
and only sounds shitty.
- Yeah, thanks.
Okay, see you later.
Oh, would you pick up
some milk?
- Everybody, may I have
your attention?
I said, may I have
your attention?
We are about to begin
tea service.
I know some of you are anxious,
some of you are frightened,
but know this.
We do this for our Queen!
It will be difficult,
some of us will fall.
But together, we will succeed!
We will give them biscuits.
We will give them tea!
We will give them scones,
or we will die trying.
For he today that sheds
his blood with me
shall be my brother!
- Brava!
Brava!
- Edmond?
Bring the flummery tarts!
- Right away.
- Now does anybody
have a question?
- Yeah, who do I talk to
if I need Thursday off?
- Back!
Back, I say!
The tarts.
Cheers.
Thanks, mate.
- Can nobody fix that?
- I think the hinge
is broken.
- Just leave it.
It's easier to put stuff
in that way.
See?
Happy as a clam!
- I told you,
I'll call when it's safe.
- Wait.
What's going on with you?
- George is pretty!
-
Oh, my God, thank you!
- Camilla, you should ask Mummy
if she wants to do
Pilates with you.
Yes, she would adore it!
Mummy, Camilla's desperate
for you to do Pilates with her.
- You know when I'm available,
Camilla?
When fucking hell freezes over.
How dare she say
I need Pilates!
- She's gonna think about it
and get back to you, darling.
- Flummery tart, ma'am.
- Puh!
I don't like this.
- But
it's been your favorite
for 90 years.
- Yeah, and I just
got sick of it.
Now take it away!
I never want to see it again!
- Of course, ma'am.
Ah, fuck.
- If I ever see
that tart again,
you piece of shit,
you will be serving tea
out of your severed head.
Do you understand me?
- Yes, of course, ma'am.
Apologies.
- I think he's doing
a rather good job.
- Yes, bang on.
- Excuse me, milk?
- Fuck off.
- Right.
Okay, Arby.
Milk?
- Go to hell, asshole.
Aww, cute baby.
- Thanks!
♪
Milk?
- End of aisle one.
- For your kindness, sir.
- Um okay.
- What'd he give you?
- Get away, it's mine!
- Fuck me.
The whole aisle
is a refrigerator!
- So today it went,
you know
okay.
- I think you did fabulous.
Doesn't everyone think
Douglas did fabulous?
- Don't.
Now, first order of business,
the flummery tart.
We don't need them.
Ever again.
She went off.
- So what do we do about those
things down there, then?
-
Yeah.
Somebody needs to take care
of that whole
"situation."
So I'll leave that to
somebody.
Any other thoughts?
- Reminder,
I'm not here Thursday.
- I know!
- Hi, Kate, it's Meghan.
I was just wondering
if you've heard from Harry?
- Meghan?
- Meghan Markle,
your sister-in-law.
Oh, never mind, he's here.
- Wonderful, darling.
- Who is that?
- Meghan.
Some tosser
gave her our number.
Oh, shit!
- Don't miss her.
Where have you been?
- The most incredible
thing happened.
I found this place--
you're not gonna believe it.
Stacks and stacks of food
as far as the eye could see,
and people just roaming
the corridors taking it!
- Mm-hmm.
- So how was your audition?
- The show was canceled
by the time I got there.
- Well, we don't need you
to work anyway
because I'm able to find this!
Game on, America!
- Okay, well, you don't get
paid for that, but
I'm super happy for you.
You're figuring things out.
I guess.
What happened to your ring?
- I gave it
to the working people.
- We're the working people!
I'm sorry, I just--
I need a drink.
- I don't know about this.
- It's like getting rid
of mice.
- Okay.
Right, that makes sense.
Mice.
They're like mice.
- It's very humane.
- Good, good.
Holy shit!
♪
- Ah, that's done.
So what are the big plans
for Thursday?
♪
- Ugh, people keep
sending me stuff.
It's literally never-ending.
Hey, do you want a jar
of La Mer?
- I would love a jar--
- I'm kidding.
These are, like, 500 pounds.
Okay, let's go over
my day tomorrow.
- You have school and nap and
snack, Your Royal Highness.
- Okay, I'll need reminder
texts for all of those.
Really good job lately, O,
you've been crushing it.
- And you have a playdate
later this week, sir.
- Why am I just hearing
about this now?
- It's been on your schedule
for weeks, sir.
- I'm not in the mood
for one of your excuses,
so spare me.
First, we'll need a theme.
Start thinking Truman Capote's
Black and White Ball and--oh,
here I am
doing all the
work again, big surprise.
And I want the guest list
kept very exclusive.
Do you understand me?
- Of course.
- If Charlotte shows up,
so help me, God.
You know what?
This is gonna be fun, O!
- I have no doubt
with you hosting,
it will be the party
of the decade, sir.
- Aw, thanks, Owen.
I feel bad about before now.
You can have that jar
of La Mer if you want.
The one that's cracked
in half, not the good one.
♪
♪