The Ranch (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Baby, you a song You make me wanna Roll my windows down Cruise Yeah, when I first saw Bikini top on her Poppin' right out Of the South Georgia water Good lord She had them long tanned legs You like Florida Georgia Line? You like annoying a man holding a skill saw? Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
That would imply that I slept.
I've been layin' awake all night thinking of this money pit we call a ranch.
Oh, well, you should try warm milk.
Or tea.
We got a lot of work to do.
So all I want to hear from now on is silence.
You know, Dad, you can't really hear silence.
It's actually the absence of all Your silence speaks volumes.
All right, I think I got everything.
The two-by-fours, four-by-fours, two-by-sixes Oh, yeah, I also brought a couple guns.
Boom! Let's do this.
Oh, that's Dad's hammer.
All right.
Cool story, bro.
No, no, no.
Any tool that says "Beau" on it is off limits.
Also, any tool that says "Pedro" is mine.
I stole them from my boy Pedro.
That's enough.
You're not gonna need a hammer.
You need a shovel.
You're gonna go shovel out the bull barn.
Why can't I help up here? I need somebody up here that knows what they're doing.
Well, I know what I'm doing! All you're doing right now is slowing us down.
And I know that, too.
I don't see why I gotta do all the grunt work.
Colt, let me explain something to you, all right? Now, the three of us are like a totem pole.
Dad's up on top.
He's an eagle, you know, soaring above us all.
He's rare, but when you catch a glimpse, it's magical.
Now, below him is me, the rooster.
But, like, a badass rooster.
I'm the first one up in the morning, and I'm on the label of hot sauce bottles.
All right, what am I? Like, a wolf or a lion? You're like a beaver, right? Just swimming around, gathering the wood and the crap that the rooster and the eagle need to build the dam to keep the water out.
Wow, I am not gonna lie to you.
I did not know where this analogy was going when I first started, but it is rock fucking solid.
- Rooster? - Yes, my eagle.
Shut up.
See you at lunch.
See ya later, Beave.
You know, in 8th grade, I used your toothbrush to scrub my balls.
Well, there he is.
We thought you were out for the night.
Dad was gonna put a blanket on you, I was gonna come over and draw a dick on your forehead.
- What time is it? - 6:30.
You guys already ate? You couldn't have woke me? We eat dinner at 6:00.
I got a lot of things to do around here, waking a grown man from his nap isn't one of them.
Why didn't you say anything? Well, I could have, but this way I got two steaks for dinner.
Plus, I got to hear Dad make fun of your nap for dessert.
So The meat's gone.
There's a baked potato and half a scoop of beans there.
The meat's gone? Hey, we working on the barn again tomorrow? We'll get the paper and the shingles on in the morning.
We can have Colt ride the fence on the north side, see if that storm knocked any limbs down.
- Mmm-hmm.
- That ain't even a half a scoop.
That's, like, four beans and a ham bone.
Don't touch that ham bone.
It's for the dog.
Yeah, by the way, since when do you allow dogs in the house? Better question would be why I allow you and Rooster in the house.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Friendly fire there, Eagle.
It's beaver hunting season.
Oh, man, am I full.
I should not have eaten that second steak.
Hey, Dad, uh, I was thinking, since we're re-doing the barn roof, we could run a drain pipe down to a cistern, catch the run-off.
It's extra water for the cattle and irrigation.
That's a great idea.
- Thank you.
- Rooster and I were just discussing how we wish we had a few more projects around here.
Dad, I'm just trying to help.
Unless you got any more ideas, I got bills to pay.
Uh, actually I got another idea.
I could set you up so you could pay those bills online.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pull back, man.
Abort.
Why would I put my bankin' info online? So half the population of China can pay their bills with it, too? Rooster, go grab a pen and draw that dick on your brother's head.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hello to you, my sweet Margaret.
I was talking to my son.
Worth a shot.
Give me a whiskey the size you'd need if you were still living with Dad.
- Rough day with him? - Actually, I didn't see him all day.
He was up in the loft with Rooster.
I was scooping shit with Pedro's shovel.
Now my back is killing me.
I don't know who this Pedro guy was must've been a very short man.
Well, I still love you, sweetheart.
So just to be clear, "sweetheart" is always in reference to him? Did I ever tell you about the first date I ever had with your father? It was on the ranch.
We worked all day, had dinner, promptly at 6:00.
I didn't even know it was a date until he said "You wanna stay for breakfast?" So, what're you saying? Dad's always been a jackass? No, my point is that every relationship with your father begins with hard work on the ranch.
And you just gotta keep proving yourself.
And that he's, you know, always been kind of a jackass.
Wow, look at you.
Abby.
Hey.
Hey.
Standing at a bar with a bottle of whiskey in your hand.
Some things never change.
- Hey, Mrs.
Bennett.
- Hey, darlin'.
No! - What can I get for you, Abby? - Oh, just a water.
Water? Huh.
Well, let me check in the back.
Crazy seeing you.
- Yeah.
- You look great.
- Oh.
- Uh, what you been up to? Well, I'm teaching history over at Garrison.
- Really? - Oh, and a couple times a year, I put a condom on a banana.
Right.
Sex ed? No.
Why I'm messing with you.
It is sex ed.
All right.
So how about you? What are you up to? Me? Come on.
I'm great! Yeah.
Things have been going good.
I was playing football, at the top of my game, and then Dad called and said he needed some help at home, so I, uh, decided it was time to be MVP of life and not just football.
Still full of shit, huh? Wow.
A Colt Bennett without football.
That's like the Battle of Hastings without the death of King Edward.
Right? Right.
Is that, like, a Game of Thrones thing? Are you serious? No.
I was just kidding like you did with the banana thing.
It really is good seeing you again.
You, too.
Holy cow! I can't believe it! Colt Bennett! Hey, buddy.
I'll sign something for you in a second.
I'm just catching up with an old friend here.
No, actually, this is my boyfriend, Kenny.
Oh.
Yeah.
Boyfriend.
Nice.
Hey, nice to meet you, bud.
Colt, don't you remember? He went to Garrison with us.
Oh, my God! Kenny! Yeah! Third period! It's Biology? It's okay.
We didn't really hang in the same circles.
My big thing was band.
Oh, band! Yeah, cool! Heck yeah, you guys used to play "Eye of the Tiger" when we came out of the tunnel.
That was awesome.
Well, Kenny is the manager of the Courtyard by Marriott in Telluride.
Well, uh, technically, we're outside of Telluride, but we do get a lot of business with skiers and other winter sport enthusiasts.
Being a part of the Marriott family is awesome.
You would not believe the discounts he gets.
I mean, last year we went to Omaha.
Just because.
How do you even get a job like that? That's a great question, Colt.
I, um I started out as a bellhop, and I just worked my way up.
Most folks think you need a degree, but, really, it's all about people skills.
The key word in "hospitality management" is "hospitality.
" But it's also "management.
" Oh, uh, sweetie, before I forget, I, uh booked us a room for our anniversary.
- Not gonna tell you where.
- Let me guess.
The Marriott? Dude! Thank you.
Shoot, you know what? I just realized I got my old man's truck, so I gotta get it back before it gets too late.
Oh, uh okay.
Are you sure? Yeah.
It's nice to see you, Abby.
You too, Kenny.
Yeah, hey, uh, if you ever get sick of staying at home, Marriott's got 4,200 locations worldwide.
Uh, I can, uh, get you the family discount, Cousin Colt.
Yeah, maybe you can play the "Eye of the Tiger" when I check in.
Hey.
Here you go.
Light beer.
It's the closest I could get to water.
Thanks.
There he is.
Kenneth Ballard.
"Activities: marching band, jazz band French club chess club.
" Guess they couldn't fit "virgin club.
" You know, there's a lot worse guys in this town - who could be dating your ex.
- Yeah, like who? Oh, I don't know.
Like me? Yeah, like that'd happen.
All right, full disclosure.
One time, Fourth of July, both drunk, back of the truck, boots on, sex.
What the hell, man? Nah, I'm just kidding.
Or am I? - Who's that? - Oh, booty call.
- Linda Miller.
- Linda Miller? Wait, is that Cute Linda or Pregnant Linda? They're both cute.
Pregnant Linda! You're dating Pregnant Linda! Come on, man, that was her nickname in 10th grade.
That kid's in juvie now.
But her other four are real cool.
We mostly play Xbox.
Any of them kids yours? No, no, we are real careful.
We only have sex when she's pregnant.
Man, it is good to have you back.
Just like old times.
Talking, having fun.
Plus, when I sit on the porch and drink alone, I'm an alcoholic, but when you're here, it's just two brothers bonding.
Yeah.
Bonding.
Great.
Hey, so how long's Abby and Kenny been going out? I don't know.
What do you care for? We dated all through high school.
That was, like, four years.
Maybe for you.
Nerd.
I don't know, it's just weird, you know, seeing her with another guy.
Yeah.
Kenny's pretty cool, actually.
I passed out on his porch one night, woke up, there was a little mint next to my head.
Will you two shut the hell up? It was Colt.
Yeah, Colt was talking.
Want me to go inside and get your belt? And your pants? It's ten o'clock.
Next time I get up, we're going to work.
So if you want to start in the middle of the night, keep making noise.
Who in the hell's coming up my driveway? Looks like a blue Ranger, rally lights Oh, I think that's Abby's truck.
Whoa, it is Abby.
Tell her to shut the hell up, too.
- Hey, Abby! - Hey, what's going on? Hey, Colt.
Rooster.
Hey, would you do me a favor? When you go to school tomorrow, could you say hey to Shari for me? It's the new Spanish teacher.
So hot.
She's, like, 50, but looks at least diez años younger.
I thought you were dating Linda.
No, she's not pregnant right now.
Hey, I know it's late.
I was just wondering if we could talk for a second? Yeah, no problem.
Colt, go inside.
- Rooster.
- Fine.
Abby, don't tell Colt about you and I You know, 'cause he gets all What are you talking about? Perfect.
Let's go over and talk by the truck.
We gotta keep it down unless you wanna clean up stalls tonight.
Oh, sorry, your dad's asleep? How's he doing, by the way? Oh, he's good.
Told me to tell you to shut the hell up.
Wait, he yelled at me? Aw, he must still like me.
Yeah.
- You still got the old truck.
- Mmm.
We had our first date in this truck.
Yep.
And we went to our first concert.
Billy Ray Cyrus.
The guy you called the next Johnny Cash.
Hey, look, that ain't my fault.
He cut off his mullet.
His power was in his mullet.
Yeah.
- A lot of firsts in this truck.
- All right, take it easy.
Well, I was gonna say the first drive-in movie.
Get your mind out of the gutter, woman.
Look, Colt, I'm sorry if I made tonight awkward.
Awkward? Come on, I never even gave it another thought.
Well, it's not like I went and dug my yearbook up to see what this guy looked like.
So, what, do you guys just hang out together, playing chess and talking French? I mean, you coulda just stalked him on Facebook, like I did your last girlfriend, Jenny Roberts.
- Hmm.
- Her 18th birthday looked really fun.
Yeah, that was a surprise for both of us.
Hey, uh, why'd you come all the way out here? I wanted to make sure you were okay.
You coulda just called.
But instead, you drove 15 miles all the way out here, in the middle of the night, without your boyfriend just to see if I was okay.
Come on.
First of all Kenny is on his way to a mini-fridge expo in Boulder.
And second I felt like I wanted to tell you in person that Kenny and I are in love.
Oh.
And since we're going to be seeing a lot of each other, - I want to make sure it's not weird.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh Uh, I got to be honest, that is That's not the answer I was expecting.
Um Yeah, you know No, it won't be weird, I promise when I run into you guys in the future, I will treat Kenny with hospitality.
And management.
- Good.
- Good.
- So it won't be awkward anymore? - No, it won't.
That's No more awkwardness.
After now.
- Uh - Yeah, I gotta get going.
- I got a 7:00 a.
m.
detention.
- Detention? Wow! I think I stopped calling it "detention" and started calling it "homeroom.
" Yeah.
Oh.
I remember this.
Good to see you, Colt.
Yeah, you too, Abby.
Wanna do a little more bonding? I do.
Last time I saw that truck me and her were in the back of it making little Roosters.
Let's see you make little Roosters now.
What the hell are you doing? Based on your tone, something that pisses you off.
You know, when I was your age, you broke a tool, you had to craft a new one with your own bare hands.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to call BS on that one.
What gave it away? The smile on my face? I know, I'm sorry I'm late.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
We're all done here.
Yeah, it's just, I didn't hear the alarm, so Oh, I did.
I came in there and turned it off for you.
Hey, by the way, how'd your toothbrush taste this morning? Man, come on, not today.
Look, Dad, I'm really sorry.
It's all right, Colt.
I wasn't counting on you anyway.
No, you don't understand.
Abby came last night and it really screwed me up, so Ah, there it is.
There's always an excuse.
This time it's a girl.
What's it gonna be next time? I knew you were gonna pull this crap.
You always do.
Dad, I'm here, okay? I'm ready to work.
Just tell me what to do.
Here's the only thing I trust you with.
Get me some coffee.
You're kidding, right? You don't know how to make coffee? Uh, look, I don't mind mucking stalls or carrying wood or riding fence, but I'm not gonna be your servant.
If you don't want to do the things I ask you to do then I don't need you on this ranch.
- I'm not gonna get you coffee! - Then get the hell out of here.
I'm just gonna remove this here potential murder weapon up out of the way.
- Fine.
- Fine.
I'm out of here then.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go get you that coffee.
I love you, Daddy.
Give me a break, you know? It's just Dad.
I mean, you know, he gets pissed at everything.
Yeah, I know.
I remember the Halloween when the kid came to the door and said, "Trick or treat," and Dad said, "Smith or Wesson.
" It's different with me and him.
Yeah, all right, he's tough on you.
Well, guess what, he's tough on me, too.
Well, then come with me.
I'm sure I can get us a great rate at a Marriott in Omaha.
Oh, yeah, that's a that's a great idea.
You know, we'll both bail.
Dad will lose the ranch, but we can always come back here and visit when this place turns into an Applebee's.
Then stay! You know, we're all playing our roles.
You're the good son.
I'm leaving.
Man things were just getting great here.
Great here? What is great about this? Remember last night, you were having girl problems, I was making fun of you? That was awesome! No, it wasn't! 'Cause I still don't know whether or not you had sex with my ex-girlfriend.
Let's not get caught up in all that kind of stuff.
Hey! Look, man, you're my little brother, okay? I don't want to lose you again.
Sorry.
What the hell are you doing, man? If you leave now, Dad is not letting you back in here.
Get off of me! You're not leaving! Hey, after dinner, you wanna watch something? Like what? I don't know.
Something on Netflix? What the fuck is Netflix? Never mind.
I heard a good joke today.
So a horse walks into a bar, right? Why would a horse walk into a bar? To get a drink.
It's a horse.
He'd drink outside in a trough.
Well, this horse wanted something stronger.
Horses don't drink alcohol.
This one does.
And no one else in the bar is reacting to the fact that a horse walked in? Yeah.
All right, yeah, a couple of people react.
They're real surprised, but then they get over it.
So the horse walks up to the bartender and says, - "Hey, I would like a Jack and Coke.
" - Wait.
Now the horse can talk? Can I just finish my joke? - Let me tell you one.
- Go ahead.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there? - Do the dishes.
- Funny.
You better hide your toothbrush tonight.
You know maybe it's none of my business, but weren't you a little hard on Colt? You're right.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
It's none of your business.
You know, he's just like you.
He is nothing like me.
Only reason this whole thing blew up? 'Cause you're both too stubborn to admit it's either one of your fault.
That is absolutely not true.
Okay.
Let me ask you something.
What would happen to this place if I died? After the party? I mean, obviously, I would run it.
What if we both died? What's happening here? Is this, like, a murder-suicide kind of thing? Colt would sell all the livestock, sell the ranch, piss the money away, and no good would ever come of it.
Well, that's not true.
A lot of strippers in Denver would get new boobies.
Your brother is a 34-year-old child.
I'm just trying to prepare him for the rest of his life.
If that means I have to push him, so be it.
Well, you pushed him all right.
Pushed him right out the door.
Congratulations, Pop.
You win.
You ever think about getting a bigger place, Mom? Why? I like it here.
You know, I've found that the happier you are, the less you need.
Your father has a 1,500-acre ranch.
You know, I think Dad needs another 1,500 acres.
What about you, Colt? What'll it take to make you happy? Oh I don't know.
Old whiskey and young blondes.
If it's closing time, young whiskey and old blondes.
Dodging the deep questions, a long-standing Bennett tradition.
Well, what do you want me to say? I know I don't like taking crap from Dad.
That don't make me happy.
Well, no one said working with him was gonna be easy.
Yeah, well, I don't mind doing the grunt work and being the beaver, but I ain't gonna be his servant.
Well, you know, you've gotta understand that Dad's He's in free fall now 'cause of the ranch.
He's in crisis mode.
And did you just call yourself a beaver? It's a totem pole thing.
And by the way, the bottom of the totem pole is the most important part, 'cause it holds up the whole pole.
It's all about the base.
- It's like that song.
- Okay, wait.
Focus, honey.
Focus on what? The fact that Dad is impossible? I'm I'm sure your dad is being unfair, all right? Because, you know, your dad can be unfair.
But you have a part in this, too.
You know, when the going gets tough, you have a tendency to run.
No, I don't.
You're sitting on a suitcase, son.
All right, but you got this one wrong, Ma.
- This is totally different.
- Okay.
I mean, he's got it out for me.
That's what it is.
Oh, so there's absolutely no way that I'm right? No.
Right, you're dead certain you're right and won't listen to reason.
Huh! You're just like him.
He's a stubborn, temperamental asshole! So we agree.
- Morning.
- We got a lot of work to do today.
Oh, I slept fine, thanks.
How about you? Whoa.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? I know you got a busy day.
I made you breakfast sandwiches.
Oh nice.
Ham and Swiss.
For future reference, the rooster likes provolone.
Come on, we got that 20 pair to move to the south pasture.
Oh, hey, hang on.
Made you coffee.
Thanks.
You comin' or what? - Hey, you wanna hear a joke? - No.
Hey.
A horse walks into a bar.
Why would a horse walk into a bar? You think that's bad, it talks, too.
Man, I'm glad you're back.
Thanks.