The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Kenny: This is the house where my family lives.
Yesterday we were perfect.
The O'Neals were wholesome, well-respected, religious the face of St.
Barklay's Parish.
Literally.
But then last night happened.
I'm gay, Mom.
What? [Creaking.]
I think Kenny said he's gay.
Twice.
And it also sounds like you're getting a divorce.
Unfortunately, the acoustics in here are amazing.
Oh, and as it turns out, my sister is a thief and my brother's not eating.
Who knows what life will be like for us now? What the Kenny! There's no one left to wrestle, so I'm wrestling my demons.
Whoa! No! No! Aah! Jim - [Glass shatters.]
- Aah! [Helicopter blades whirring.]
Oh.
I stole it from Dad, but I forgot to steal the bullets.
Hey Mom.
I'd give you a hug, but I don't have any arms.
Also, you're gay.
Uh, ma, you're bleeding all over the rug.
I'm fine.
Your father's roasting vermin for dinner.
I'd have given my right arm to see your father cook before the divorce.
Oh, and one more bit of bad news, Kenny.
Because of our sins, they canceled "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" What?! Now I have to get a real job.
What takes like an hour a day and pays a billion dollars? Wha nooooo! [Birds chirping.]
Morning.
Hey! Morning, Kenny.
How is everybody? Pretty fantastic.
What is happening? Mom's over-performing domesticity in a misguided attempt to avoid our family's new reality.
And she's making pancakes.
I don't know what's more disturbing Bloody stumps and vermin or this breakfast.
Oh, this.
This is definitely more disturbing.
You're always right, Jimmy Kimmel.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mom, these pancakes are amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, so, are we gonna talk about what happened? Sure.
Your father and I discussed the situation last night, and we are on the exact same page about everything.
You completely went against our plan.
We were gonna wait until the kids were in college before we split up.
Oh, and keep up a lie so everyone could think we're perfect? I am not ashamed that I finally spoke up.
And now we're getting a divorce and sleeping in the same bed.
This is so like you.
You never think things through.
Ah.
You don't need three pillows.
My elbows rub.
So after a restful night's sleep, I came up with a plan.
I have a plan, too.
- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.
I mean, I don't need it written on a little list, but It's up here.
It's a brain plan.
That's made up.
Here's how a real plan works.
First, I made Jimmy pancakes in the shape of Jesus to encourage him to eat and get over his male anorexia.
And it worked.
This is my fourth Jesus.
- Ha ha.
- Great.
We can cross that off the list.
Next, your father and Jimmy are gonna go sell that car Shannon illegally bought with the money she raised for poor African children.
Thanks, guys.
That really frees up my day.
Oh, no, young lady.
You do not have a "free day.
" You have your science fair today, which we will attend as a family in perfectly pressed shirts so we can watch you win first prize and put this public shaming behind us.
And that is how you make a plan.
[Pen clicks.]
Um, okay.
Well, actually, I think you're forgetting a couple of pretty important things.
Oh? Like my thing from last night? Oh.
You still have that? Kenny.
[Pen clicks.]
TBD.
What? No.
It's not TBD.
It's "D".
It's way "D"! - Well, I thought it was LGBT.
- No, just look.
I know this is hard for you because it means we're not perfect anymore.
But there's no sense in trying to hide it.
- I'm gay and everyone knows it! - [Sighs.]
Hey, O'Neals.
Sorry I didn't say goodbye last night.
I had to leave early, and then I dropped my phone in the toilet.
Did I miss anything? Nope.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Not a thing.
Giiiiirl.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh.
[Sighs.]
Look, Kenny.
I know it's hard, but you got to break up with Mimi like a man.
Even though you're gay.
Not that gay people aren't men.
Here's a joke.
What do gay horses eat? [Clears throat.]
You can go sell that car now, Dad.
Thank you.
Dad, I really liked your joke.
Hey.
Sorry, Mimi.
Uh, Mimi, I have something to tell you.
Shannon, why don't you show Mimi your science project? She made an erupting volcano.
Actually, I haven't done it yet.
What?! But your volcano is gonna win the blue ribbon, and we are gonna take a picture with it as a family.
It's on my list! But everyone does a volcano.
It's, like, so expected.
Like, I don't know, a Catholic mom forcing her son to pretend he's not Volcano! Or something.
Now.
Whatever it is, you can tell me.
All right, well, you know how I was right about your bangs? Uh-huh.
They just frame your face so perfectly.
Mm-hmm.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, my gosh! Mimi, I'm so sorry.
ITripped.
Why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned off before my heterosexual son thinks this is [Chuckling.]
a wet t-shirt contest? - [Laughs.]
- Okay.
I got some in my eye.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It really burns.
Yeah, go on ahead there, hon.
- Ow! - Okay.
Just take your time there, honey! You cannot keep me from telling Mimi forever! How do you even know you are what you say you are? You're still just a kid.
You've never even had relations with a girl.
It's like when you were little and you said you hated papaya, but you hadn't even tried it.
Then once you tried it, you couldn't get enough.
Hi.
Oh.
How are you guys? Well, my mom doesn't think I'm gay, and she wants me to try Mimi's papaya.
Yeah.
Eileen, the good news is, the community is behind you.
I ran into Kelly Butler at the grocery store.
She didn't want to stop by and bother you, but she told me to give you this ham.
Pity pork.
Do you see how far we've fallen, Kenny? Yeah, you know, 'cause that's what people send when you've had a gay in the family.
This hunk of junk.
Your sister buys stupid cars! Whoa! African candy.
You know the car's not from Africa, right, buddy? What's that? So, what's the brain plan, Dad? Well, I got to be honest, Jimmy.
The brain plan is not a thing.
Lots of things are changing, and we're just gonna play it out.
After my friend Jason's parents got divorced, his dad got a sweet new condo with a tennis court and a rec room, and there were airline pilots that lived in the building, Dad.
- Yeah? - Yeah! Yeah, I mean, divorce sucks, but the one nice thing is you get a second awesome place to live.
You'd be okay with that? Are you kidding me? Of course I would.
That means I'd have two houses.
- [Chuckles.]
- That's two kitchens.
Two beds.
Two bottles of ketchup! [Laughs.]
Hey, you know what, buddy? We're looking for apartments today.
- Huh? Huh? - Yes! Sweet! Cool! Wait, no.
What about, uh, Mom's plan to return the car? Plans? Where we're going, we don't need plans.
[Gear grinds.]
Although we might need a tow truck.
No matter what my mom says, I have to come out to Mimi.
I just hope it goes okay.
Hey, maybe we'll even end up being best friends, like "Will & Grace.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Hey, fella.
Have a seat.
Crowd: Oooh! Mimi, I have something to tell you.
Now it might not be easy to hear, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I'm gay.
You're not gay.
You're really gay.
And now you can be my GBFF.
[Applause.]
You're what?! I know.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you a long time ago, but, you know, I was still trying to figure it out.
This totally screws up my plan.
Uh, your plan? I was going to lose my virginity to you.
You checked off all the boxes Smart, safe, good-looking enough.
I put months into grooming you to be the one, and now I have to start all over? I guess this explains your stupid blouse.
What? No.
It's just a regular shirt! No, it's not! Thank you.
Yes! I got your ham salad.
I just picked it up off the porch.
You could have come in and said hello.
We're fine.
Can't wait to see you at the science fair.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Woman: Oh.
Sounds good.
Uh, talk to you later.
Okay.
[Beep.]
[Sighs.]
- Another ham? - [Tires squeal.]
We're fine! Oh, and you made me go as Justin Bieber for Halloween while you got to be Selena Gomez! I mean, like, we won a prize.
Stop bitching.
You don't get to be mad, Kenny! I'm the one who gets to be mad! Mimi! Aah! Why is there ham salad on the stairs? Do you hear that clicking? [Sighs.]
Don't be silly.
I bet you're happy to see me go.
I know you never really liked me.
Oh, why would you say that? Because you said to my face that you never really liked me.
[Chuckling.]
I was just playing.
You said, "I never really liked you.
And I'm not playing.
" My, isn't memory a funny thing? Did you know Kenny was gay before he told you? No.
Did you? Ugh, I have cramps.
Can I give you one of my teas? Mimi! Do these capris make me look fat? [Both chuckle.]
Your boobs feel squishy.
I am such an idiot.
This place is amazing.
What?! It comes with a microwave.
[Chuckles.]
And a bathroom! Dude.
[Laughs.]
You see? We didn't have a plan, and look what we found.
Huh? Ah, this is working out great.
So, what were you thinking? Six-month lease? A year? Mm I don't know.
We're not really planning things these days.
There's a bed on the wall.
And a jacuzzi in the rec room.
Oh, my god.
Dad, you have to get this place.
Mom's never let us go in a jacuzzi.
She calls it the devil's chowder.
- [Chuckles.]
- That's right.
It's 'cause of the nudity and bacteria.
But that doesn't scare us.
- [Knocking.]
- Oh.
[Door opens.]
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing Ohh sport? Look, Kenny, I don't want to be mad at you.
Me neither.
Come here, Biebs.
- And I was thinking - Mm.
Even if you are gay, that doesn't mean we still can't lose our virginity to each other.
Doesn't it, though? We're such good friends, and I feel safe with you.
Do you really want to go your whole life without knowing what it's like? Shouldn't you have something to compare everything else to? Maybe she's right.
Shouldn't I know what it's like? Oh, this isn't so bad.
And plus, if you squint, she looks a little like Orlando Bloom.
You won't be sorry.
Let me be your papaya.
What?! Just try Mimi's papaya.
I know you'll like it.
[Screaming.]
[Shrieks.]
Ow.
You could have just said no.
Mm, this is the life, isn't it? Sitting in a jacuzzi, wearing shirts.
It's not even that I'm ashamed of my body.
It's just more comfortable.
We don't have to justify it.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
Wow.
Think about it 24 hours ago, you were married and fighting.
And now we are just chilling in a hot tub with the bubbles, not a care in the world.
- [Chuckles.]
- Living the high life.
[Chuckles.]
Ah, I'm glad you feel that way.
So, how's this gonna work? Are you gonna be here, like, every other week? - Every other day? - I don't know.
We'll figure it out, just go with the flow, right, buddy? Yeah, totally.
- What about Sundays? - What about 'em? Well, I mean, I love watching football with you.
- Mm-hmm.
- But Mom makes that amazing five-layer dip.
So, are you gonna make the same five-layer dip, or do I have to watch football with Mom? I can make a dip I think.
Really? All five layers? Whew.
This hot tub is really hot.
Is this place gonna fit all of us? And there's only one bed, and it's in the wall.
And this place is pretty far from school, and that's Do we still go to school?! Yes! Of course you still go to school.
And yes, this place is far from school, and yes, that's probably gonna be a problem.
No, I don't I don't want to sleep in the wall.
I know that I acted brave about it before, but I don't I don't know how to sleep vertical.
You don't have to sleep in the wall, buddy.
It's okay.
[Sighs.]
I didn't think this through.
God, I should have had a plan.
Yeah, you really should have.
And why are we swimming in our shirts? In the devil's chowder! They don't even have towels.
Ohh.
[Russian accent.]
I have towels in my apartment.
I would like to dry you.
Okay, now I remember why we're swimming in our shirts.
Just move Move quickly.
Hey.
Just thought you'd like to know, your plan worked.
I just got done doing it with Mimi, and it was so hot and sexy that I am totally straight now.
Oh, honey, really? What? What? No! Gross! Mom, do you realize how wrong this is?! Wrong? Is it wrong for me to be worried about your everlasting soul? I talked to Father Phil about it, and he agrees.
Oh.
Really? This was Father Phil's idea? To trick me into having sex with Mimi by dressing her up as a Mumford & Son? No.
While he was talking to me about compassion, I thought of it myself.
That is some crazy Old Testament [Bleep.]
, Mom.
Kenneth Christopher Sebastian O'Neal, do you pray to Jesus with that mouth? [Sighs.]
So, how's the project coming? Do we have a winner? Yep.
Oh, I don't really get it, but every time she says the word "computer," - I bedazzle something.
- Perfect! Everyone's impressed by computers.
So, yesterday, you were telling me that premarital sex is a sin, but today, you're trying to force me into doing it with a girl? Because being a You know, is a bigger sin.
Well, I am "you know," and you're gonna have to accept that sooner or later.
No.
I cannot accept that a smart kid who's got everything going for him is gonna choose to live a life that's not normal.
Normal.
So, you don't care if I'm happy as long as I'm normal! Yes! Why can't you just spend the rest of your life with a trampy girl I can't stand?! [Toilet flushes.]
You know what? This has been a tough day.
I'm gonna go.
[Thud.]
Ow! She's quiet in the bathroom.
I'll give her that.
Mom, can I go in and set up my project? No.
We're waiting for your father so we can go in as a family.
Yeah, we've got to be normal, Shannon, remember? Especially me.
So, ladies, guard your fun bags.
'Cause this heterosexual is on the prowl.
[Tires screech.]
What in the world? [Grunts.]
Sorry we're late.
[Sighs.]
W you were supposed to sell that thing.
I know.
Why do you smell like the devil's chowder? Why do you love Moscow? I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, whatever.
Let's just walk in together, as a family.
We'll get Shannon's blue ribbon and our dignity back.
Let's show them we don't need their ham.
Okay.
Initiate master plan.
Gather entire school check.
Have smartest child finish blue-ribbon project check.
And make sure everyone sees you walk in as the perfect family check.
Look how happy my mom is.
This is her shining moment.
Eileen! I'm so happy to see you here.
Okay, let me show you some Catholic mom-speak.
Your family's just been through so much.
Did you get my ham? Yes, I did, and it was delicious.
Thank you for your kindness.
And scene.
Computers are getting smarter and smarter, am I right? Well, according to Moore's law, computers will soon have the capacity to run simulations of multiple universes where the people in them believe in their own consciousness.
So, there's a very good chance that the reality we're experiencing now is a computer simulation.
Therefore, my hypothesis is Oh.
[Click.]
There is no god.
[People gasping, murmuring.]
Why can't we just be a normal family who does stupid volcanos? Well, maybe because we are the volcano.
- Come on.
- Oh.
Shannon I'm sad to say your project disproving god doesn't fit the parameters we've set for our science fair here at St.
Barklay's.
We love science, but this is pushing it.
I'm afraid you've been disqualified.
[Crowd murmuring.]
Shannon.
Mom was right.
I should have just done a normal project like she wanted.
Well, at least you can do a normal project one day.
I'm gonna be a disappointment forever.
[Chuckles.]
You know? I mean, think about it.
Hang on a second.
Miss Clemens You may not agree with this project.
In fact, I don't agree with it.
[Sighs.]
I don't actually understand it.
And I certainly don't condone what it says.
But I love this project.
I've loved it since it was a little Project.
Maybe it's not normal.
But maybe being normal isn't the most important thing.
For a project.
Blam! Yes! We won! First place! That's just the participation ribbon that all the children get.
I appreciate your support, Mom.
It really means a lot.
You're grounded until you believe in god.
[Sighs.]
Thank you for what you said back there.
I don't know why you're thanking me.
I was talking about Shannon.
[Engine turns over.]
Well, thank you for what you said about Shannon.
You're welcome.
I know you're upset that I didn't win, but it's really no big deal since I proved none of this is real.
And now you've lost your allowance.
Whatever.
Money is just a Ponzi scheme that the government created to control the masses.
- [Gasps.]
- [Tires screech.]
You go.
No, no, no, honey, you go.
No, you go.
No, no, go on.
You can go.
Oh, for the love of Go ahead, sweetheart.
You go.
Well [Clears throat.]
I think I figured out a way for you to have your mom's five-layer dip and still watch football with me on Sundays.
I'm gonna move into the basement.
W awesome! You are making some good choices, Dad! Ah, thanks, buddy.
And listen.
I-if there's anything you're ever worried about or you just want to come and talk to me anything Are you and Mom still gonna be friends? I hope so.
Maybe we'll be better friends.
No, no, really, you go.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay.
- [Gears grinding.]
- Oh! [Screams.]
Oh! Ohh, Meems.
[Groans.]
You told me to go! What is wrong with you people?! There's a lot wrong with us, Mimi.
Causing bodily harm to you multiple times in a single day is only the beginning.
I'm not gonna be offended.
Just tell me the truth.
Blouse.
Really? This one.
On a scale of 1 to 10 Blouse.
Wow.
Flouncy blouse.
Jimmy, this is your shirt.
Yes, but something about your face makes it look like a blouse.
But it's flannel! Lesbian blouse.
I see it now.
Thank you.