The Royals (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Royals Robert's dead, Mom.
Our dad is out there genuinely grieving over the death of his son while you're in here worrying about the family's image and topping off on the Botox.
At least I'm not slumming with the help.
I was wondering if you wanted a coffee some time.
- I don't know.
- It's just coffee, Ophelia.
If that's your story.
I would have thought you'd be happy, dear Uncle.
After all, you're one step closer to the throne.
You are the king of England, goddamn it.
Act like it.
That's exactly what I intend to do.
I'm thinking of asking Parliament for a referendum to abolish the Monarchy.
Um, what does that mean exactly? I'm simply looking for a display of dedication.
In a service capacity.
And remember, enthusiasm counts.
What do you remember from last night? Uh, nothing.
I remember everything.
I remember the drugs that I put in your drink.
And I remember every sordid, depraved, self-loathing thing you did after that.
When I forget I'll just watch the video.
(Sighs) My phone is password protected and your video is backed up onto several hard drives.
While you're here, good morning, baby You can't do this to me.
You didn't seem to mind last night.
I meant blackmail.
- You drugged me.
- You drugged yourself.
You get blacked out all the time, and you know it.
Now go get me some breakfast.
- What? - You heard me.
Have you not been listening to me for the past two weeks? You don't order me around.
I order you.
I'm the princess.
If by princess you mean potential porn star.
I'm famished from all this angry, supposed reluctant sex we've been having.
So, food.
Now.
Go.
No.
"Dear Dethrown" You might want to put some clothes on.
Someone might film you and blackmail you with it.
I can't wait to ruin your life.
- (Knock at door) - Go away.
It's the Queen of England.
Open the door.
You can't What? Good morning, daughter who hates me.
(Sniffs) It smells of sex in here.
Dirty sex.
Apparently someone's been beavering about.
- What? - Social media.
Did you say "Bored and horny, FML".
For God's sake, what is FML? The f-word my life, Your Majesty.
"This club sucks more d than me.
" "Dear Molly, get in my hole.
Yum.
" And then at 3:37am she signed off with "My date is on fire, good thing my vagina is wet.
" Honestly, Eleanor, who fondled you as a child? Uncle Cyrus, of course.
Why can't you drunk-text like a normal person? It's what I do, Your Majesty.
From now on, Rachel will be your social media advisor.
Whatever you post, Rachel will filter.
Not bloody likely.
Go on.
Try it.
(Alert) "I love my mom"? You can't do this.
Between you and Fine.
Just go.
"I love my mom" I love you too, darling.
Where's that breakfast? FML! Get me some coffee, too.
The Royals 01x02 Infants of the Spring I have to say, this dirty girl soy thing is almost as good as tea.
Considering it's the third time we've had "all the coffee", I think you like it more than tea.
The coffee I endure.
It's the company I like.
Well played.
But I don't think the queen would agree.
The queen doesn't have to know.
I'm pretty sure she knows.
The Royal Family returns to their normal busy social calendar today for the first time since the devastating passing of his Royal Highness Prince Robert.
Queen Helena encouraged the nation to look to the promise of the future.
This afternoon's Garden Party celebrating the military will be the first public attempt, a return to palace normalcy.
What is this? Those are the pistachio-encrusted eclairs, Your Majesty.
Eugh.
No.
The King's head of security to see you, Your Majesty.
Mm.
These are divine.
If we could speak privately, My Queen.
I'm far too busy for that, Mr.
Pryce.
I'm afraid I must insist.
Tell Hans the buttercake fingers and fruit tartlets are perfect, the pistachio thingies are a disaster.
Walk away.
- You may stay, Lucius.
- I'd prefer he didn't.
And I'd prefer it if your daughter weren't blowing my son.
We can't always get what we want, can we? We've received a series of threats.
- Death threats? - Afraid so.
Boring.
Let's discuss a legitimate threat to the monarchy.
Ophelia.
In regards to his Royal Highness, I gave her my blessing.
Well, I didn't.
Ask Rachel to change these.
- Something with color.
- Ma'am.
As far as threats are concerned, that's why we have you, isn't it? And if you're unable to parent your daughter, the least you can do is not get us killed.
Enjoy the party, Mr.
Pryce.
What did he want? Oh.
Our daily death threat.
Boring.
Cyrus, you know how important this party is, don't you? The battle for the monarchy starts today.
- You can't wear plaid.
- I'm not sure it matters.
Liam skipped the Regent briefing again.
- Did you fix it? - Of course.
Good.
It's imperative we make Liam look every bit a worthy heir today.
It's the sole purpose of the party.
We make him look presentable and influence a few important assets.
Speaking of, James Holloway also missed the meeting today.
He's influential.
Probably just as well.
Wouldn't you like to know where he was? Apparently he was found wandering Old Compton Street.
Interesting.
He's on the guest list for the party.
I know.
I put him there.
Always important to have a Plan B.
Let go of me! Get off me.
You idiots! Marcus! Tell them who I am! It's okay.
Stand down.
Yeah, stand down, you big dummies.
You're lucky I don't get you fired.
Marcus, what the hell? I'm sorry, Gemma.
You're no longer on the list.
That's impossible.
Who took me off the list? Gemma? Hi, baby.
Did you miss me? Hi.
So you're the coffee girl.
Huh.
I'm Liam's girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
Why do you say such hateful things? Because they're true.
Purple Rain! Oh, hey.
Gemma.
I'm out.
Friend of yours? Ashok.
Yeah.
Good friend.
(Takes picture) You two should Okay.
I'm so upset with you right now.
Why? Because I'm defending my head of security? We should just fire him.
If we distanced ourselves from the parents of Liam's conquests, your party would be a wasteland.
The boy likes his daughter.
So what? He's hardly a boy, and what's got into you? For starters, my son died and we're throwing a garden party.
Our son.
And have you forgotten what this event is about? It's for the families of soldiers and veterans.
Don't! Just don't say it's for Robert because we both know it isn't.
- It is.
- It's for you.
Oh, fine.
It's for me.
I could do with a day to simply enjoy myself.
Have some tea, meet up with some old friends.
Stop me from abolishing the monarchy.
I've been texting you.
I've had a few things going on.
- Did you get my pictures? - Yeah.
I feel stupid about them, considering you're with her.
I'm not with her.
We're just hanging out.
Good.
Because you're all mine.
And if I have to fight for you, I will.
And I don't mean in some romantic sense, I actually will fight the bitch.
Gemma, you broke up with me.
Can we not do this? I said some things, you said some things No.
Just you said some things.
Ten months ago.
And you disappeared Until now.
- Meaning what? - Meaning you disappeared.
Until now.
That's really sweet, Liam.
I chase you, and I send you photos of my ass amongst other things, I try to apologize, and for what? So that you can imply that this is all some conspiracy to win you back because you're suddenly next in line for the Throne.
- Gemma.
- That's right, isn't it? That's what you meant.
Well, it's not true.
I've made mistakes with you and I plan to fix them.
And you're going to let me.
Because it's like you said.
You're the next king of England, and there aren't many girls out there who are going to understand what that means or know how to deal with it.
And you're going to need a girl like that.
So it may as well be the one that you ache for more than any other girl on the planet.
It's good to see you, baby.
I've missed you.
He likes you.
You're his wingman, you have to say that.
Possibly true.
Okay, let me guess.
You're Studying dance.
No, art history.
- Both.
- Yeah.
You're also stubborn, competitive, a little awkward, and you like coffee.
Wait for it Iced dirty chai with soy.
Okay, what the hell, dude? Well, Liam told me.
Because he talks about you.
Because he likes you.
Oh.
Here he comes, don't tell him I told you.
Little Red Corvette.
Ashok likes to greet me with songs by Prince.
I owe you an apology.
- It's ok.
- It's not okay.
And it's kind of a long story.
Ashok said you told him about me.
We are so not friends anymore.
I might have mentioned a thing or two about the awkward dork I'm inviting to the garden party.
Sweet, what time? Three o'clock for Ophelia.
Never o'clock for everyone else.
It's because I told her, isn't it? Ok, well, I understand.
But just so you know, I'm ashamed of myself.
You should be.
Come on.
We should go get you a hat.
Thanks for hanging with Ophelia.
My pleasure.
I like this one.
She's dreadful at keeping secrets.
But other than that, well done you.
Mm-mm-mm.
As you know, today is a once in a lifetime opportunity for many of our guests to meet the Royal Family.
So please, everyone be regal and respectable.
- Oh, my God, I'm starving.
- Did we miss it? - Who invited them? - I did.
I thought we could use them as human shields.
Just be aware of your surroundings, follow protocol when greeting the public and take no unnecessary risks.
(God save the Queen playing) I noticed Gemma wasn't on the list, so I invited her.
Should make for a splendid photo op.
See? There's nothing you can do that I can't fix.
Now then, it's imperative you appear impressive today.
So, please, don't embarrass me.
(Band continues) (Anthem ends) (Cheering) Band of skulls: Death by diamonds and pearls - How do you do? - Ma'am.
You look wonderful.
Fabulous sari.
She grew up in a nice neighborhood but it didn't do her no good you're just like the rest of those girls they're all death by diamonds and Death by diamonds and Death by diamonds and pearls Fix this, Mother (Cheering) Son of a bitch I don't think this is very prudent, sir.
Death by diamonds and pearls FML.
Can I have a word? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Pryce.
It is not now nor in the history of time has it ever been okay for you to lose your shit with the future King of England.
Walk away.
He nearly gave it to you.
Which is fitting, considering how you gave it to his daughter.
You know it's in everyone's best interest if you wake up one of these days.
I don't think you will, but a man can dream.
What do you think's worse? Falling short at 21 or falling short at 40? - Does it matter? - Yes.
I still have time to change.
You have no time.
You have now.
You're one breath away from the greatest throne on earth and you're squandering it all on school boy crushes and pints of beer in the pub.
And while nobody, and I mean nobody, appreciates excess and indulgence as much as I do, the fact that you fail to recognize the magnitude of what is slipping away from you is astounding to me.
Because it either means you're too stupid to understand it, or you don't care.
And I have nothing but contempt and disdain for either one.
Men would kill to stand where you're standing.
I would kill for it.
And your father is going to end it all if you don't figure it out.
It's not about me.
Of course it's about you, you daft little prick.
Of course it is.
How long do you think you can keep this up? (British) How long can I or how long will I? Ooh, nice accent.
You'll slip up.
And when you do, you're going to jail.
So you'd better file a few things away in your wank bank, Jasper.
Who is that? Andy Sinclair.
The Olympic swimmer.
Andy Sinclair won four gold medals in the last Olympics including one of the greatest come-from-behind finishes in sports history.
The guy inspired a Nation.
Does he inspire you? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he does.
Swimmer, huh? I owe you an apology.
- Mm? - Ophelia.
Ophelia.
Why on earth did your parents call you that? Why'd they call you Gemma? I'm heiress to a diamond cartel.
- Of course you are.
- Don't be a bitch, okay? I'm trying to be nice.
It was a pleasure to see you again, as usual.
(Speaks French) Au revoir.
How do you know how many times to kiss them? You can tell by their accent.
In France it's either two, three or four, once in a while five.
Mostly stick with two and you'll be fine.
Do you know how Liam and I met? We met on sir Richard's yacht in the British Virgin Islands.
Or at least we had the British and Islands part.
How did you two meet? I was drunk in a bar, called him an idiot.
I know how this is supposed to go.
I'm the hostile poshy bitch with a fake smile and a secret agenda, and you're the girl next door with pluck and charm and a quiet inner strength.
- Advantage me.
- You think.
But we'll see about that.
I can be you.
Can you be me? This morning didn't bother me, by the way.
- No apology needed.
- I wasn't sorry about that.
I'm apologizing in advance for winning Liam back.
See? My agenda isn't always so secret.
By the way, the fork stays in your left, lower your eyes when you meet the Chinese and the drinks at the bar are free.
And now you know.
James Holloway.
Cyrus.
I was hoping to speak with you.
Oh? To explain my absence this morning at the Regent meeting.
Your responsibilities with Parliament are vast.
We understand.
Besides, it's a party.
Let's have a drink.
I'm afraid I've been officially sober now for eight hours.
Sounds like a poorly spent eight hours.
Guy Wells, British Farming Bureau.
- Mr.
Wells, how lovely to see you again.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Poppy Rhodes, BBC.
Poppy, how are you? Very well, Your Majesty.
Thank you.
Captain Alister Lacey.
Highly decorated war hero.
Captain Lacey.
I'd like to personally thank you for your service and sacrifice.
It's my pleasure to serve the queen.
Oh, Mr.
Moody.
And how is the Chancellor of the Treasury? I'm hearing rumors of a referendum.
Talk of disbanding the monarchy.
- Merely rumors, Winston.
- You must hope so.
What will you do without the people's money? I expect we'll move to America.
What a shame the wedding will have to take place in the Hamptons.
Liam and Gemma.
What did our last wedding bring in? Two billion pounds? Hotels, shops, restaurants.
Plus another three billion for the British designer who outfits the happy couple.
Never mind.
I'm sure Diane Von Furstenberg will be delighted to have the business.
Oh.
You should ask yourself what will the people do without the monarchy's money.
You look like you could do with a drink.
I've never been on a yacht.
I switch hands with my fork.
And I have a terrible habit of looking people in the eyes, Chinese or not.
So no, maybe I can't hang in your world, but I have been to Kentucky.
- Ever been? - God, no.
They make bourbon there.
Welcome to my world.
What do you call those muscles here? I believe you mean the obliques.
The obliques.
Definitely.
What do those taste like? Anyway, it was nice to meet you.
- I'm extremely slutty.
- She is.
Like, no holes barred.
Scurry.
- Hi.
- Your Highness.
It's quite an honor to meet you.
That comeback in that swimming race, it inspired me.
That's very kind of you to say.
You must be in magnificent shape.
Excuse me, your highness.
May I have a word, please? This is my bodyguard, Jasper.
He's not supposed to speak until spoken to, but he's a big fan of yours, so I think he's a little bit out of his depth.
Good to meet you, Jasper.
- Where are you from? - Yes, Jasper.
Where are you from? It's okay to answer.
I give you permission.
Go ahead.
Speak.
- Shoreditch, actually.
- Shoreditch.
- Your Highness? - Yes.
Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing? Right now I'm flirting with your hero.
And pretty soon, I'm going to de-hero your hero.
And there's not a thing you can do about it.
Because out here, you're simply Jasper, my speak-when-spoken-to British bodyguard.
And by the way, your accent is slipping.
My apologies.
Prudence.
Your Majesty.
May I be of service? What do you think of all this? The spectacle.
The monarchy.
I would appreciate your honest opinion.
I'm happy to be employed in Your Majesty's home.
But if I'm to be honest, I find some members of your household to be Reprehensible.
So do I.
I find this whole event intolerable.
So, what do you do next? Prepare the fruit tartlets.
Well, that sounds like more fun than making small talk with heads of State.
May I join you? Say yes, Prudence.
I'm the king of England.
Of course, Your Majesty.
Had enough? You know, it's funny, my world.
Lunches, galas and events.
Bloody Marys in the morning.
Mimosas for brunch.
Expensive wines by the barrel and bottle service in the clubs.
A girl builds up her tolerance.
Welcome to my world, Kentucky.
Is that Ophelia? I believe it is, sir.
She's pretty great, isn't she, Marcus? She is indeed, sir.
Did she just pass out? She did indeed, sir.
How you doing, Rihanna? I showed her.
Right.
Here we go Hey.
We're here.
- Ophelia.
- I can do it.
- Let me help you.
- I said I can do it.
Okay.
No, I can't do it.
Ok, hat.
- Whoo.
- Easy, easy.
- Alright.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Put me down.
The room spinning is not good - It's not good at all.
- Ok, easy.
I got you.
I got you.
- You dated her? - Yeah.
Why? I mean How could you do that? She was my first love.
Whoa! It's okay You got this.
The King of Hearts called for the tarts.
Did you know the King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache on playing cards? Clubs, spades, diamonds.
All moustaches.
He's also called the suicide King because he appears to be stabbing himself, although it's debatable whether or not it's his hand doing the stabbing.
Do you have children, Prudence? Not yet.
I would like to, one day.
Children are wondrous.
They change everything.
What is your life like outside of these walls? - Do you have a good life? - I read.
Mostly the classics.
I just finished The Great Gatsby.
"The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.
" How you doing, Rock Star? Throwing up egg salad with the future King of England in the next room.
Why all the mayonnaise? Why? It's absurd, isn't it? The mayonnaise? "The future king of England.
" I remember the day I realized Robert would be the king and I never would be.
I was just a kid.
I remember feeling relieved.
I think if you're meant to be king, you wouldn't feel that way.
Well, as long as we're sharing, I have a confession to make.
You were just supposed to be my story.
When I slept with you.
"I got drunk and slept with a prince.
" I know that sounds terrible but I don't really have a story, ya know? Well, now you have two.
One involves vomiting.
(Both chuckle) I was sad you invited Gemma.
She speaks French.
She's named after the best jewel.
She drinks bourbon way better than me.
My mom invited her.
- Really? - I wouldn't do that.
Why not? Because I invited you.
I just wanted a story.
You weren't supposed to be nice.
I can't believe we're in the Palace.
This place is so amazing.
You know what's even more amazing? My bedroom.
Is that appropriate? Is this appropriate? I'm going in.
You'll want to join me.
I, too, have inspired a nation.
People always say my comeback inspired them.
But you know what it means to me? It means I get to add a princess to a long list of desperate sluts.
Andy.
I'm sorry, I'll probably lose my job for this but could I get a photo? Anything for the little people.
(Thud) What did you do? Did you kill him? Maybe.
You can't do that! (Voices approaching) Is he dead? Maybe.
I want to lose my virginity.
Tonight's the night.
You can't do this.
I know I can't fix you a drink, considering your nine hours of sobriety, but is there anything else I can get you? No.
Please.
You've been uncommonly gracious.
Of course.
But I feel like there must be something I can do for you.
Cyrus.
There's nothing I need.
That's not the word on Old Compton Street.
I can explain.
We all have our desires, James.
And quite frankly You've become much more alluring to me since yours came to light.
Party's nearly finished.
I should probably take off.
Word of advice? Maybe stick to coffee for a while.
(Laughs) Yeah.
Thanks.
If we keep having coffee together, it might eventually turn into a real date.
About that.
The thing is, I'm not posh, I don't speak French, I've never owned a designer dress in my life.
None of which matters.
I think it does.
I'm sorry.
I guess I should go.
Hey.
For what it's worth, I think you'll be an amazing King.
Thank you.
No one's ever said that to me before.
Successful day, Mr.
Pryce? No shots fired from the grassy knoll? - Without incident.
- Without incident? Liam missed a very important meeting this morning because of Ophelia.
He could have repaired things but once again your daughter ferreted him away by making herself an alcoholic spectacle.
- And for what? - Love? He's the future King of England.
Love has nothing to do with it.
Fix it.
And what of your son's heart? Men have reached great heights with wounded hearts.
Can I check Your Majesty's room? Because of the threats? It's my bedroom, Mr.
Pryce.
You can no longer be of any service to me.
But don't take it personally.
Sadly, not many can.
When I was a child I'd sit for hours staring into open flames something in it had a power What are doing in here? You expect me to get that close to you and just walk away? All you have is your fire I want to personally thank you for your service and sacrifice, Captain Lacey.
It's my pleasure to serve the queen.
Don't you ever tame your demons but always keep them on a leash Go.
Helly.
I love you.
I love you, too.
When I was 16 my senses fooled me thought gasoline was on my clothes I'm sure you'll agree that discretion is in our best interests.
Your secrets are safe with me.
Of course in exchange, Helena is going to need a little favor.
From one queen to another.
- If I refuse? - You won't.
Say hi to the wife and kids for me.
When I was a child I heard voices some would sing and some would scream you soon find you have We're not going to have another day like we had today.
Cos if we do, I'm releasing the video.
No, you won't.
Because if you do, all this goes away.
Don't make false threats, Jasper.
It makes you less interesting.
No blackmail sex tonight? All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach don't you ever - Day drinking remedy.
- Tame your demons but always keep them on a leash Urgh.
I need your help.
- We lost you at the party.
- I was with Ophelia.
Sorry about the crowd surfing.
It looked fun.
Besides, there are some monarchs on these walls who have done much worse.
And one in this room who has done much better.
Not always.
I've been thinking about the monarchy, my place in it.
All that I ask is that you give me a little time before you go to Parliament.
- Time to find a different side of me.
- Son You told to chose me my own path and not the throne.
But I have a purpose now, I never had before.
Anyway, why should I have to choose? Isn't it possible that I can have both? Love and the Crown.
It has to be possible, Dad.
- Of course it is - I know, I've made mistakes.
But I'd give it all up to have Robert back.
I've been told that I might make a great king, one day.
Just give me a chance.
Okay.