The Santa Clauses (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Mom!
I think something happened to Dad.
What? No! I would've heard something.
- Santa's down! Santa's down!
- Do you hear me?
- What are we gonna do?
- Everybody, calm down!
Santa, Santa, do you copy? Santa?
- Noel?
- What's happening?
We've got a Code Sprinkle.
Thank God! I thought it was something bad.
It means Santa's down.
- What?
- Christmas is ruined!
Why would you name it something so cute?
Is this really it?
All the things I never got to do.
The Christmases I never had
with my family.
I just hope Carol doesn't remarry.
Forgive me, Santa,
for what I'm about to do.
Wake up!
Ow.
Why are you yelling?
Because when my best friend's laying
on the ground non-responsive
for 15 minutes, I yell!
Did I rip my sack?
No, it's still up on the roof.
Oh, good.
Let's go, but don't tell anybody
I fell off the roof.
Got it. No one but Betty.
Not Betty. Nobody.
Right. I won't tell a soul,
except Mrs. Claus
Not Mrs. Claus.
- And Betty.
- Not Betty.
- Doc Martin.
- No. Not my doctor. No one.
No, no, no!
Cut the bubbles! Cut the bubbles!
Everyone, there's been an incident.
Oh, my gosh! No, no, no!
Hide the cake! Hide the cake!
Back, back, back!
Everyone, be quiet! Everybody, quiet!
There's been an incident,
but don't panic! Okay? Don't panic.
I say don't panic,
but I'm totally panicking!
Okay, everyone, this way, this way!
Let's give them some space.
Let's give them some space.
Come on! This way, this way.
Going, going, going…
Oh, Scott! We were so worried again.
Oh, gosh. Do you mean about tonight?
- Yeah.
- You know me.
The world's greatest showman.
I was just goofing on everybody.
We should be celebrating.
Where's all the music and merriment?
- What happened up there tonight?
- It's not a big deal.
Nothing, Butter Cake.
Everything was super-duper.
Peachy keen.
Hunky-dory.
Easy as pie.
Boffo.
Gangbusters.
Dope.
- Noel.
- Not cracking. Not cracking.
Just tell her.
- The Big Man fell off the roof!
- Oh, Scott.
It was horrible!
My whole life flashed before my eyes!
Santa was in it more than you.
He never said, "I love you," but I knew.
I'm so sorry I lied to you!
We need to talk about something,
in private.
- Better now?
- No.
Give me my reading glasses.
Where are they?
They're on your face.
Better now?
Yeah, there we go.
The Seuss-uses. Seuss-uses Clause?
What in the green eggs and ham is that?
- Not "seuss-uses." "Secessus."
- Seuss-and-says.
- Secessus.
- Seuss-a-sesses.
- Secessus!
- Gesundheit.
It means "retirement" in Latin,
aka throwing in the towel,
- giving up, not being Santa anymore…
- I understand.
…spending your life sitting around
and yelling at the TV.
Right, I understand what retirement is.
Why am I looking at this?
Did you read the fine print?
There isn't a magnifying glass big enough.
To summarize,
it's an addendum to the Santa Clause,
giving Santa a clean way out
if he no longer has the capacity
and/or desire to do the job anymore.
So… me not being Santa anymore?
Hmm?
Mm-hmm.
Can you believe Betty suggested
that I retire?
Santa? Retire?
Can you imagine such a thing?
Are you packing?
No! I'm just, you know, seeing if I have
any of my pre-Mrs. Claus clothes in here.
So, you and I retire.
Living in an RV.
Big step down from what I've been
driving around here for 29 years.
Hey. I love it here. I really do.
But sometimes I think that
it might be nice to try something new.
To be able to let my hair down. Literally.
I know why. You feel marginalized here
as Mrs. Claus. I get that, you know?
But think about how many popcorn tins
you've had that beautiful face on.
Yeah, you mean like that one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
So, this is exactly how I'm perceived.
Dumpy, void of all personality and appeal,
and somehow humorless
while still providing comic relief.
That reindeer loves those bloomers.
I'm not saying that I want to leave…
Hmm.
…but last night was a wake-up call.
You fell off a roof, and I didn't like it.
- You didn't like it?
- No.
I fell on a sprinkler, honey.
This is the second year in a row
something bad has happened.
The kids were worried. Even Cal was aware
that something was wrong.
- Cal?
- Yeah.
- Aware?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not sure that kid's aware
that he wears pj's all the time.
I know. He just had a feeling.
That's weird.
Wait a minute. Just slipped my mind.
- Okay.
- I have kids.
How hard did you hit your head?
I think I have a way
for me to find a new Santa
and still stay here at the North Pole.
I gotta tell Betty.
Scott! You still have your pajamas on!
Okay then!
Never mind.
Hey, Betty. Betty, Betty.
You in here? Hey.
Santa, you're in your pajamas.
Oh, I get it.
You're saying I'm senile, right?
That's your way to push me
into retirement.
I'm not forcing you.
I merely pointed out an option.
- Ah.
- It's better than you having an accident.
Putting me out of my misery, huh?
Don't think I haven't noticed
how you've been looking at me.
It's just the way I look, sir.
I've been told it's unsettling.
Hmm. Listen.
I'm not saying I'm gonna retire.
The only thing I hate more than gardening
is garden gnomes.
Gnomes.
If I were to retire, how would that work?
The Secessus Clause states that
you may step down once
you've effectively completed your mission.
Well, if my mission was to be awesome,
I've already accomplished that.
And chosen a proper successor.
So, the Secessus Clause has
a successor subsection.
Sensational.
Are you actually considering this?
Retirement?
I know it's big news. Probably dramatic.
I'll give you some time.
- I want you to think about it.
- Here's a list of possible replacements.
Give me a break.
You just found out
about this Sausalito Clause yesterday.
It's my job to be efficient.
Well, listen.
I think I can save us both a lot of time.
I already picked my replacement.
Charlie.
Where are all the grown-ups?
This is so cool!
He's been to the North Pole many times,
you know?
He's done the rounds with me.
He's always wanted to be
in the family business.
It's almost too perfect.
Yeah, too perfect, like that's a thing.
Come on, Betty. Go with me on this.
We bring him in early, huh?
He already knows how things work
in the real world.
He can handle the trickier roofs.
I can stay at the North Pole.
It could be Santa Claus and Son.
Two Santas? Ugh. This isn't the Vatican.
- Santa! There you are.
- Hey.
- Love the pj's.
- The what?
Why didn't you tell me
I was in my pajamas?
Question!
If you could have anything in the world,
what would it be?
Aspirin. Because I get a headache
every time you talk.
Well, in about three minutes,
your headache's gonna be history.
Now, you all know my esteemed colleague
and butterfly-kisses-giver, Grace.
Hi.
Now, Grace here represents
today's consumer. So, I'll ask her.
- What is it you want?
- Everything.
- And when do you want it?
- Now!
Very cute.
Look, as a tech innovator and toymaker,
you're a genius,
which is why we invested in your company.
But your management ineptitude
is costing us greatly.
- Hmm.
- I've had to Airbnb my yacht.
It smells like nachos now.
- That's why we called this meeting.
- I thought we called this meeting.
If you can't turn things around quickly,
we're cutting you off.
That's why we're here,
to, uh, show you our new delivery system.
Drones.
Every company has tried drones.
The cons far outweigh the pros.
Well, my drones are different.
They're faster, wily, self-learning.
They scope and assess the most
efficient way to deliver an order.
It'll even drive Santa Claus
out of business.
And just like Santa Claus,
none of what you're saying is real.
Come on. Not in front of the kid, okay?
What? She's old enough to hear the truth.
Your daddy can't deliver on his promises.
Only headaches.
I'll accept your apology in 20 seconds.
Here's your aspirin.
Now how did you do that so fast?
I told you, my drones are special.
And once we have fulfillment centers
in every hundred-mile radius,
we're gonna be able to promise delivery
in 60 minutes or less.
Okay.
Oh, uh, no, no, no.
G-Go around. Uh, uh
Detour! Detour! Go around!
Detour! No!
No!
Ta-da!
Get out of here. Now!
Whoo!
Hey, Dad!
Charlie.
- Good to see you!
- Good to see you too.
Come on in.
So, uh, I read your icicle,
and I'm excited to hear this big news.
I didn't mean to make it mysterious.
I wanted to see your face when I told you.
I'm liking the new duds too.
Let me guess.
You just opened Jurassic Park?
Yes. And the velociraptors are this way.
Wow, you really have lost weight.
You weren't kidding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's actually become kind of a nightmare.
They've lowered all the flags
at the North Pole buffet to half-staff.
And I'm losing magic.
Yeah. You mentioned that. I'm sorry, Dad.
Well, listen, my loss could be your gain,
but before we start talking about this,
I think I have some grandkids
to say "hi" to.
- Yay, Grandpa!
- There's my guys!
Big, two wonderful boys. Look at this.
Why are you so wet, Grandpa?
I'm like a washcloth, aren't I?
I'm kind of soppy
Guys, Grandpa's not used to the heat.
No. At all.
Lemonade just the way you like it.
No lemon, extra sugar.
Oh.
My favorite daughter-in-law.
Although, I'd probably say that to anybody
bringing me this right about now.
Okay.
Here's why I'm here.
I am retiring, and I want you
to take over the family business
just like you've always wanted to.
Uh. Wow.
Um. Retirement.
I didn't even know you could do that.
Good for you. This is This is
- This is gigantic news, right? Yeah.
- Yes.
I mean, I don't
I don't really know what to say.
No.
Say no.
Sorry, Scott, I have a career here.
I'm not moving to Greenland
to catch and sell shrimp.
Can I have a moment with Charlie?
Privately. Just one moment.
- Babe, give us a sec.
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- Just one sec.
- 'Cause you'll do anything for him.
- Just
- I'm not raising my kids on a trawler.
Smelly, damp, swearing sea children.
And what about me?
I get seasick standing on the beach.
No. No! The answer's no!
Huh. You haven't told her.
I can't believe you haven't told her.
I've been waiting
to find the right moment,
but there's not really a good moment
to say, "My dad's Santa Claus."
Now's a pretty good moment.
Otherwise, she'll be at the North Pole
and wonder why
people are calling her Mrs. Claus.
A-About that, Dad.
Look, I-I love you.
And I cherish all the time we had
in the sleigh together.
But… it's just asking a lot.
Is this because of Marie?
I mean, come on. She'll warm up to it.
- Not literally
- It's not that, Dad.
Okay, it's it's the North Pole.
It's just
It's not the best place to raise kids.
Oh, stop.
North Pole is like a circus mixed
with a zoo and a playground
on top of a Tilt-A-Whirl.
- That's my point.
- What?
It's just too much.
Cal and Sandra are okay.
Are they though?
You do know that
I've spent time with them, right?
And th-that's not a criticism.
I mean, you're you're a great father.
It's the job though.
It's just It's not conducive
to being an engaged parent.
Hmm.
I came down here
with this dream in my head
that we'd work together
for a couple of years.
I'd teach you the ropes,
and then you'd take over
when I couldn't do it.
It was just something
I was thinking about.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Thanks for asking me though.
It means the world.
Come here.
I love you so much,
and I'll be all right. It'll work out.
Okay. I am starting to think
you don't run a shrimp company.
No, no, no.
Do you remember when we first met?
We were at that seafood restaurant?
Someone's eating shrimp next to us,
so I thought of shrimp.
- That's the best I could come up with.
- So you lied.
Which means that you're
either in the CIA or the mob.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no. It's not
Listen, it's actually crazier than that,
and Charlie is gonna have a great time
explaining it to you after I'm gone
because I have a deer to catch.
And I already know what the boys want
for Christmas next year!
- Thanks, Dad.
- Talk.
I'm gonna miss the endless cider.
You know what I won't miss?
Velvet capes.
I don't like wearing anything
that Ozzy Osbourne wore better.
Well, I'll miss our cider o'clock.
Me too.
So, can I ask you something
about the previous Mrs. Claus?
I'm not allowed to discuss
those who came before.
I've never understood
the secrecy around here.
Who am I going to tell?
I don't know any people.
Santa is Santa, always and forever,
a continuum, not an individual.
Thus, there are no past Santas,
and the same for Mrs. Claus.
I don't make the rules.
I just enforce them
with steadfast intensity.
You know who would be a great Santa?
You.
Elves can't be Santa.
More weird rules.
This place would crumble without you.
I'm just happy to serve.
Besides, it's going to be Charlie.
Charlie's out!
Said didn't wanna do it.
He doesn't think the North Pole
is the best place to raise children.
Am I doing this to our kids?
- No, you are a terrific dad.
- Yeah.
Raising kids at the North Pole
is challenging.
- Exactly. Yeah.
- Yes! I mean,
that's probably why Cal is lost
in his imaginary virtual world.
- He's not lost. I wouldn't say lost.
- And how Sandra only likes animals.
We did a study on human kids raised here,
and the conclusion is that
they turn out very weird.
Well, how many kids have been raised here?
- Including Cal and Sandra?
- Yeah.
Two.
- What?
- What?
I think I've had too much cider.
I have to go.
No, wait! No, no more secrets.
Tell us who came before and, hey!
Why does Mrs. Claus have to look
like a timeworn, overstuffed armchair?
Sometimes I feel like
I'm not heard around here.
You're totally right.
I gotta spend more time with the kids.
That's not what I said.
It's beautiful up here.
This just never gets old.
Isn't this
Hey, take the goggles off, please.
What are we doing out here, Dad?
- Am I in trouble?
- No.
You only spend time with me
when I'm in trouble.
That's not true.
I took you ice fishing that one time. Huh?
I thought that's because I was in trouble.
It was so horrible.
That's the problem
with this VR stuff, you know?
You spend so much time in virtual reality.
Look where you live!
You live at the North Pole.
It's a magical place.
Kids everywhere would kill to live here.
Scary.
Hey, speaking of killing,
you ever think about if some psycho
learns about the Santa Clause
and sets a trap out for your coat?
All the time.
I think about it too
when I have dreams where I'm Santa.
You have dreams that you're Santa?
Yeah, super vivid dreams, yeah.
That's amazing.
I never even thought of that.
That could be the answer
to all my problems.
We could keep it in the family.
- I wouldn't have to leave.
- We could start now.
You're getting this crazy look
in your eye.
I could teach you how to drive.
- I already know how to drive.
- Here you go. Hold on to those.
Where are the buttons? I need a console.
If you wanna go, all you do
Just pull on this one.
- Good. A bit more. More. No, not
- Whoa! Whoa!
Ho ho! Here we go!
Look into the turn.
What?
Look where you wanna go,
not where you don't wanna be.
Come on. There you go.
You wanna steer into it a little bit.
You're doing all right. You're doing good.
I really hate this.
I wanna go back to my computer now.
If you wanna land,
you just pull back a little.
Pull back a little bit. Pull it back.
Boys, come on! Come on.
Hey, you okay? That was a great fall!
Why did you make me do that?
My magic's been failing
a little bit lately,
and so I'm thinking about retiring.
You were talking about your dreams
of being Santa
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I never said they were good dreams.
They're kinda like the last few minutes,
confusing and terrifying.
Blitzen, Comet, shake it off.
Sweet relief!
If you're really looking for a new Santa,
you should get the guy
who makes these games.
Talk about bringing happiness
in the world.
You know what I'm saying, Dad?
Dad.
Where is this?
The nerve of those guys.
They wanna cut me off?
I'll cut them off,
leave them all in the dust.
You're doing that thing
where you get all crazy-eyed like Grandpa.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. You're right.
I shouldn't let those guys get to me.
I just need to fix our delivery problems.
- I believe in you, Dad.
- Oh.
Thank you, sweetie.
That's all that matters.
Hey, what's this?
My Christmas gift.
Oh, honey.
I miss her too, every day.
But I'm confused. Where'd you get that?
I told you.
It was under the tree from Santa.
I know you don't believe in Santa,
like those men today.
That's okay.
Well, I didn't, um, but, uh…
Wait a minute. You saw him?
I see it in your face.
Well, I saw something.
I don't know. It makes no sense.
First, the mysterious other 17%,
then that flash across the sky,
and now this locket?
- It's not that hard to believe.
- Okay. Well, then question for you.
If Santa is real, how does he deliver toys
to all the world in one night?
Magic, duh. Come on, Dad.
Magic.
Betty, something's going on
between you and Santa.
The secret meetings,
the whisperings and whatnot
And don't play dumb. That's my thing.
It's actually nice to see
you still get jealous.
Of course I'm jealous.
Santa is everything to me.
Okay, can you keep a secret?
No. If there's a cat,
I let it out of the bag.
If there's beans, I spill them.
Doc Martin says I have ASS.
- Hmm?
- Acute Squawk Syndrome.
Okay, I'm going to trust you on this
and certainly regret it later.
Santa's thinking about retiring.
Oh, holy fright!
You can't let that happen.
We don't want a new Santa.
That's the weird part.
He wants a replacement,
but he also wants to stick around after.
Maybe we can make a duplicate him.
Yeah,
because that worked out so well last time.
And there's more. Bernard left this.
It measures Christmas spirit.
When everything's great,
it shines brightly,
and that's the way it's been
for all of Santa Scott's reign.
But look at the middle now.
It hasn't been like that
since the 14th century.
The plague, famine, wars, and
Mad Santa. Yes.
That's the last time
Christmas was threatened.
You can't show this to Santa.
It'll shatter him
like your crystal elf award.
By the way, I accidentally shattered
your crystal elf award.
He needs to know.
I'll take care of this.
I'm more tickly than prickly.
Hey! Noel, whatever it is,
it's gonna have to wait.
I gotta find Sandra.
I wanna spend some quality time with her.
Father of the year. Santa of the century.
Is there no end to your gloriousness?
May you rule forever.
Oh. Betty told you
I was thinking of retiring, huh?
Did she also show you
that big binder of possible replacements?
I think she has one for new Noels too.
Please don't retire, Santa.
Don't worry. I never make a rash decision,
other than putting on a dead man's coat,
marrying a beautiful woman
I've only known 20 seconds,
oh, and allowing a frozen lunatic
to take over the entire North Pole.
Here's a reason to stay.
The shinier it is,
the more Christmas spirit in the world.
Oh, yeah.
Ta-da!
Look how bright it is!
It means you're doing
the bestest job ever.
- Let me see it.
- It looks best from afar.
Give me the orb.
A flashlight, really?
I'm sorry I lied.
I just don't want you to retire.
I was thinking of staying,
but this is troublesome.
Here.
I'm gonna go to the Snow Globe Depository
and check on Christmas spirit
around the world.
Thanks for alerting me, Noel!
Stupid glowy ball.
Look at all the trouble you caused!
It looks like they broke something
and now they're trying to
put it back together.
No, I think
it's one of those jigsaw puzzles again.
The real world is so complicated.
Yeah.
Oh, it looks like the dad
just got back from work,
and he's wearing a suit that's not red.
Weird.
I hope he got that promotion,
so he can afford to get Lily those braces.
How do you always
know so much about everyone?
Oh!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, guys,
you're not supposed to be in here.
- This is a restricted area.
- I know.
We were just looking.
Sometimes, we come in here to see
what the real world is like.
I-I promise we won't do it anymore.
I didn't know you cared about this. I
You love the North Pole, right?
I do. I do. More than anything.
I just I'm curious about kids.
Real kids.
And Cal, I-I-I thought you just loved
your virtual fantasy world.
Well…
- Show him.
- Show him what?
Here.
What is this?
Topeka, Kansas.
I just finished mowing the lawn,
and now I'm going to the post office.
So, all this time, you've been
You've been playing in the normal world.
Yeah. Sandra, too, sometimes.
Although she's mostly scared.
Am not.
Hey, kids, I mean, what
Why didn't you just tell me this?
We didn't wanna make you feel bad.
Are we in trouble, Dad?
Nah, you're not in trouble.
I think it's me that messed up.
Look, change of plans.
Family meeting. Let's go.
Listen, um, I've been blessed
to be Santa Claus for, what, 29 years.
But also, me being Santa Claus has
required you guys to make some sacrifices
that I didn't fully appreciate.
It's almost like
I was looking at life through…
…Santa gauze.
No.
Okay, and even your mom,
Mrs. Claus, feeling useless.
Unappreciated. Never said useless.
And you kids
Okay, how am I gonna put this?
Whatever words you're searching for,
don't say it.
Right.
Listen, I don't think the North Pole is
the best place to raise human children.
Okay, wait. I-I love it here.
I mean, is it weird? Sure.
Are my braces made of sugar? Yeah.
But the elf dentist insisted
that it was good for my teeth.
He's not actually a dentist.
He got the name Dr. Veneer because he did
all that beautiful woodwork on my sleigh.
- We gave him that name because
- Is there a point to all this, Scott?
Yes, there is a point. The point is
Okay. I could do this forever,
but for the good of Christmas,
for the good of my family,
I think we make some changes.
See what the rest of the world's like
as as normal people.
So, I'm retiring.
- Wait, so this is really real?
- What?
This is really real.
I've been a little bit alarmed
at my loss in magic.
I mean, earlier I sneezed,
the lights went out.
But this is the real magic.
The family, right here.
Is that tree crying?
No. Why?
Take me instead.
Noel, come on out. There we go.
I'll be fine.
Just pretend that I'm not here.
We know how Noel feels about this.
What do you guys think? What do you feel?
I mean, if you're in, I'm in.
I guess I can learn to, uh…
uh, uh, people.
Well,
every journey begins with a first step,
and I'm ready to take mine.
- Wait, wait. Honey, I don't…
- No.
- Incoming! Guys, everybody down!
- No, no, no, wait!
That feels so good.
- Well, I'm glad you feel good, honey.
- Me too!
Oh.
What is this about?
And what happened to Mrs. Claus?
Are we here to shame her?
Attention, everyone!
Santa has an announcement to make.
I don't think I can go through with this.
Never mind, everyone!
Santa has nothing to say to you.
Well, don't say it like that.
It sounds like I don't care.
Attention, everyone!
Santa does have something to say.
- Okay, let's stop this. Let's stop.
- Okay, okay.
Did you change your mind?
'Cause I can't go back to the bun.
You know what scares me most
about leaving?
- Having to pay for waffles.
- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
When I first arrived here,
the elves were so happy.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, one would think.
But they didn't seem to care
about the previous Santa disappearing.
- They didn't even shed a tear.
- Hmm.
And if they do that for me,
it'd be like I didn't matter.
One thing no one can say
about Scott Calvin,
and there's a lot,
is that he never mattered.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, I do have an announcement to make.
Betty already said that.
Who's talking?
Sorry, that was me.
Sometimes I think out loud.
Okay.
I'm sure a lot of you noticed
I haven't been myself lately, right?
Well, after careful consideration
and a talk with my family,
I, Santa Claus, have decided to retire.
That's okay.
Why?
I matter. Yes!
We have a grief counselor, right?
Kleenex, on me!
- Good job.
- Hmm.
So, what now?
Guess we should hide all the hard cider
and sharp tools, huh?
- Well, they seem devastated.
- I know.
So, we start bringing in candidates?
Dad.
What were you looking at?
Uh…
You googled
"does Santa Claus really exist?"
You believe.
I don't know what I believe, honey.
I mean, this guy says that Santa is real
and a founding member of the Illuminati.
And then you've got a lot of conversation
about how it's possible
that Santa can deliver all these presents
to the whole world all in one night.
And then, here, look. A video of Santa.
This guy has a theory
that Santa uses vortexes.
That there are holes in the sky
that no one else can see.
Convenient.
I know it's all crazy.
I was just looking for ideas, like,
if it were all real, and I could somehow
recreate Santa's delivery system…
You got your crazy eyes again, Dad.
Yeah, he does have crazy eyes.
To the safe room!
Don't be afraid of the scary intruder.
I think that was just a little girl.
- This is a fun game.
- How'd you do that?
Simon Choksi,
you've been summoned to the North Pole.
First of all, I don't go anywhere
without my daughter.
And second of all