The Sarah Millican Television Programme (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Hello and welcome to my new show, The Sarah Millican Television Programme, where I take a big swig from TV's cappuccino and spend a bit too long licking the chocolate off the lid.
I love television, it's taught me everything I know.
I've learnt about sci-fi by watching shows like Torchwood.
Apparently, Torchwood is known as Doctor Who for grown-ups.
So somebody needs to remind all the men in their 30s that means Doctor Who is officially for kids.
I've learnt all about politics by watching Question Time.
I just wish David Dimbleby was more honest with the intros.
Good evening and tonight on Question Time, we have that bloke you hated last time, that woman who never stops talking and, for some reason, Jedward.
And I've tried to learn about driving by watching Top Gear or, as I like to call it, Two-And-A-Half Men.
To be honest, I don't really see the attraction.
If I wanted to watch slightly racist middle-aged men driving, I'd just take a cab.
Tonight, I'm going to talk about two of my favourite types of telly, drama and weather forecasts.
I occasionally combine both when I get caught in the rain wearing a white top.
The walk home from Tesco is like the most disappointing wet T-shirt contest ever.
My boyfriend and I get on brilliantly, but don't always agree on telly.
In my house, a TV drama is usually when two things are about to clash on my Sky box.
I love a costume drama, he prefers zombies and horror.
When choosing a film, we always try to trick each other.
So far, he has seen When Harry Ate Sally and I have seen Night Of The Lovely Dead.
On holiday once, we decided it would be really romantic to read to each other in bed.
One night, I read him my favourite chapter from Sense and Sensibility.
The next night, he read me a Stephen King short story about an evil cat.
The story ended with the cat forcing its way into a man's mouth and eating its way out of his stomach.
My boyfriend shut the book and went, "Ah, night-night.
" I do like a TV drama though.
Sometimes, I find I can't enjoy my dinner It's basically where a police detective goes into a coma and wakes up in the 1970s.
You can experience a similar situation by getting the Megabus to Carlisle.
But I'll watch any costume drama about the upper classes.
What was that brilliant show on telly last year? Full of posh people dressed up in ridiculous outfits, being fawned on by people who are common as muck.
Oh, that's right, the Royal wedding.
Downton Abbey must be like watching Big Brother for the Queen.
People say the Royal family deserve their money because they bring a lot of foreign people into the country.
Well, so do long-distance lorry drivers, but no-one gives them a big house.
You have to have a certain accent to be in a period drama.
If they ever cast me in one, they'd probably have to make me the coalman.
Class is a simple issue.
If someone else cleans your toilet, you're posh.
And I don't mean your wife.
But the people who clean hotel rooms deserve a medal.
People do things in hotel rooms that they'd never do at home.
Largely because their wife's not there.
I don't like it in hotels when the porter asks if I want help with my case.
It feels like he's implying I couldn't carry it myself.
I did once say, "You're threatening my masculinity.
" Then I remembered I'm not supposed to have any of that.
I always worried about how much to tip.
Like, oh, I've only got a tenner on me, but you've only carried my case ten foot.
Can you do some more stuff, so I can get my money's worth? Like maybe unpack, or run a bath, or heavy petting? So, talking of class, I would like to ask you, the lovely audience, have you ever been out with someone too posh for you? We've got a nice lady with a lovely black top.
Let's see if we can get the Millicam to her.
Pass that along and if you point it at yourself, flower.
Hello, love, what's your name? Jenny.
Hello, Jenny, and what's your story? I was going out with a guy for, in total, about four years and after about a year and a half, his parents invited me to New York for his 18th birthday.
So I think my dad felt a little bit bad, so the year after, he invited him on our family holiday to Anglesey.
I bet it was more fun, was it? Er, no.
But I'm now, again, in a similar relationship, where again, I'm not the posh one.
We need to find some real dregs of society for you and then you can be the posh one.
Thank you very much.
Let's give her a round of applause.
We've got a nice lady in a lovely pink top there.
Excellent, hello, love.
Hiya.
What's your name? Lynn.
Hello, Lynn.
Tell me your story.
I once went out with an antique dealer and he decided to take me out to the theatre one night.
I love the theatre, so I thought, that'll be great.
He proceeded to tell me everything what was going on and what the opera glasses were for, because I didn't know.
So he thought you didn't know what the opera glasses were for? Yeah.
Take them outside to look at the stars later on.
It might have been OK if it had been in Italian or something, but it was actually Evita.
Patronising swine.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Lynn.
Let's give her a round of applause.
I think the best way to check if you are working class is if you have a bean jug.
A bean jug is a bright orange-stained measuring jug Now you know! That you use to microwave beans in at least three times a week.
I never have posh food at home, it's always comfort food.
I never have posh food at home.
To me, antipasti is my dad's sister who works in Greggs.
Sometimes, I feel bad watching period dramas.
The women weren't allowed to work, had to get married to survive, and if life were Upstairs Downstairs, I'd definitely have been downstairs.
The best I could hope for would be rough sex in the scullery with the mill owner.
What I need here is a TV expert to guide me through all things dramatic.
He's one of our greatest actors, literally millions have admired his Dickens and I'd lov to nuzzle his Chuzzlewit.
Please welcome Simon Callow.
Thank you very much, thank you for coming on the show.
It's a joy.
Let's have a little look at you in action.
It looked like Oh, my Lord! It looked like that.
What phantasmagoria is this? Argh! I've done gigs like that.
What do you think it is about costume drama that's so sexy? Everything being held in.
Pinched.
You swell from within.
Oh, OK.
We're not talking about now, are we? Do you get to do many sex scenes? Oh, lots.
They are supposed to be quite uncomfortable and not remotely sexy at all, is that true? Or do you get into it a bit? It's about the most unarousing thing you can do I bet I could show you other things.
That sounds like a challenge to me.
What lengths have you gone to to prepare for a role? Obviously, dressing up as well, but are you very method? Recently, I played a transvestite.
Yes.
But What did you do for that? I went to all sorts of interesting places, but when I put the bra on and the high-heel shoes, and then the wig, especially, then I became some other person.
Was your bra full, or just sort of baggy? It was like two rugby balls side-by-side.
How do you prepare for the stage? About four o'clock in the afternoon, if I've got a 7:30 show, I just stop thinking about anything else, except for the show, and I just enter into the world of the characters, so that the things that matter to the characters matter to me as well.
Because I wear Wonder Woman knickers.
It helps me.
Makes me feel invincible.
I've got them on now.
I mean, they're under much bigger knickers, but that's another story.
Now, you were an English teacher on Jamie's Dream School, weren't you? Did the kids teach you any new words? Well, the word that I learned, which amazed me, was sick, meaning good.
That was very peculiar, that took a long time "Oh, sir, that's sick," they'd say.
And I'd think, "What did I?" And it meant great, they liked it.
And how do you keep a straight face when you say Coriolanus? Have you ever acted your way out of an awkward situation? No.
Could you, for next time? With a bit of notice.
Now, acting's all well and good, but could you teach me some thespian skills that might be useful in everyday life? Say, for example, if you were ringing in sick and you weren't really poorly.
Yeah.
So you ring your boss.
Yeah, but the trick really would be not to act sick on the phone.
Oh, no coughing? None of that.
No vomity noises in the background.
Yeah.
Just say, "I am so sick, I can't come in.
" What if they're younger than you and they think you mean you're good? What about if you're in a lift and you had a bit of a dodgy tummy and you dropped one how do you pretend that that's not yours? Well, I think the thing to do, especially if you're wearing a coat, is to sort of suddenly become involved in some quick movement.
It disperses the air.
And, obviously, how to fake an orgasm.
Yeah, in a lift.
In a lift.
While ringing in sick.
I think, we'd all agree, that you are, obviously, a fantastic actor and you have such a wonderful voice.
I bet you have no trouble when you ring up to book cinema tickets with the automated ticket service? I do.
Do you, really? They never understand a word I say.
Do friends ever get you to do their voicemail message on their phones? It has happened.
It has happened.
And you don't mind doing that? No.
OK, noted.
I wonder, there's a poem that really means a lot to me and I'm wondering if maybe you could show me how to read it properly, like, how to project Could you do that? I will, I will be proud to.
OK, just open the page there.
"First, I was afraid "I was petrified "Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side "But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong "I grew strong "I learned how to carry on "So you're back from outer space "I just walked in "To find you here "With that sad look upon your face "I should have changed my stupid lock "I should have made you leave your key "If I had known for just one second "You'd be back to bother me.
" That was awesome, can you teach me how to do that? I will.
Can I have a go? Yeah.
OK.
Any preliminary tips? Breathe, calm down.
Calm down? I'm quite excitable, to be fair.
Any tips on breathing? In, out.
And do you want me to do it in? English.
"Go on now, go "Walk out the door" Start again, please.
I don't understand what you're really feeling, I just hear a woman elocuting there.
A woman! I don't get the inner life.
I'm excited that you call me a woman.
Erm, OK, so again? Yeah.
Just feel it a bit more? Please.
"Go on now, go" No I felt I nailed that bit.
I want to see the man, the man you're talking to, I want a sense of who he is and what you're trying to do to him.
Do you want a picture? Yes, pictures to form in my mind, as you speak.
"Weren't you the one" Sorry "Weren't you the one" "Weren't you the one.
" "Weren't you the one" That's it.
"Who tried to hurt me with goodbye?" Yes.
"Did you think I'd crumble?" Could we just have a look at the word crumble? It's like cru-mble.
Cramble.
Cramble.
It's got an A in it, that, cramble.
"Did you think I'd cramble? "Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I! "I will survive!" Yeah.
That was sick.
Thank you very much, it's been lovely to have you on the show.
Pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Callow.
People still speak like they're in a costume drama these days, but only when giving evidence in court.
I was proceeding along the promenade when I was assailed by a nefarious character and then asked if I would like any.
I liked the BBC adaptation of Jane Eyre, although there was no mention of her evil brother Ryan.
You can tell classic books aren't written by men.
It's all stolen glances, long drawn-out foreplay and romance.
If a bloke wrote Pride And Prejudice, Mr Darcy would have had Elizabeth against a wheelie bin in the first scene.
And what about our obsession with the weather? Here's a fun game for when you're watching the weather forecast on telly.
When it's a windy day and they have the big arrows on the map, I like to sing Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? I don't like it when they use new words, like mizzle, which means mist and drizzle.
I always think, who've they got doing the weather, Snoop Doggy Dog? Today, there will be mizzle up the hizzle.
Tomorrow, sizzle.
For-shizzle.
To be a meteorologist, you need a good background in maths and science, not like in the old days.
You could just be pretty then.
Today, it's going to very hot and possibly wet later.
When I say that, it sounds less sexy and more like I'm going through the change and I might piss myself later.
So what I need is an expert from the telly to teach me about the weather.
So please welcome, complete with his map, weather legend John Kettley.
Thank you very much for coming on the show, John.
Sarah, it's great to be here.
Bless you.
Do you think the weather should come with a disclaimer? "Warning, we're only guessing!" I It's educated guesswork, it's always been educated guesswork.
So do you think you guys would all be out of a job if we just started looking out of the window? For most people, it's only what's happening first thing in the morning and when you come home from work later in the afternoon that matters, to some degree.
That's true.
You've got to put your washing out in the middle of the day, and pick the kids up from school, but it's what's happening first thing, when you go to work, and in the evening.
We always try and get it right, obviously, but sometimes, what happens for that little bit in the middle may not always be as important.
I've got a friend, instead of opening the door, she just puts her arm out of her cat flap.
Yeah.
Have you ever actually forecast that it's going to be raining men? That's a great song, who did that song? Was it BWitched? The Weather Girls.
The Weather Girls, was it? I should've known that one.
BWitched? Why do you tell us the pollen count on the forecast now? You don't do that with other allergies? Sian Lloyd never says, don't go near that carrot cake at dinner time because it might have nuts in it.
No, but it's coming.
That's on the way next year.
Oh, really? You never know.
Don't promise things you can't deliver, pet.
No, all right.
Do you get fan mail from ladies who say they're experiencing damp patches? Was that a no? I've always been very happy talking about warm fronts, rather than occluded fronts, because that leads to all sorts of things going through your head.
I love a warm front.
I know, many people do.
Isobars.
Yes.
Where are they, and how late do they stay open? Well, the isobars Sarah, in the old Met office at Bracknell, the bar was actually called the Isobar.
Oh, that is so cool, but nerdy.
And is it possible for the sun to actually shine out of someone's arse? It's very interesting you ask that question as well, because I went on a nine-week forecasting course and it never came up.
Thank you very much, you've been brilliantly helpful.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Kettley.
Thank you.
When I watch a period drama, one of the things that impresses me most is the clothes people used to wear.
Not the style of them, just the effort they used to go to when they got dressed in the morning.
They're lucky most days if I change out of my pyjama bottoms and put a bra on.
Why did they make corsets out of whalebone? Everyone wore them, but it's something so hard to get hold of.
What else did they wear? Jumpers knitted from unicorn whiskers? It was so repressed and women weren't allowed to show any of their body.
If a man saw so much as an ankle, he'd be so turned on, he turned into a spunk fountain.
Which is now a ride at Alton Towers.
Oh, you know what I really love about telly? I love the fact that I can do this.
It took three women and a lot of lube to get us in this.
This is posh.
Look how fancy it is.
The sofa's a bit rubbish, it's only got one end.
It's broken.
Oh.
I'm down, I'm down, everybody, I'm down.
Oh, there's a bell.
Wow, it's Mrs Hughes from Downton Abbey, also known as Phyllis Logan.
Hello, lovely lady.
I absolutely adore the show.
Why do you think it is that Downton Abbey is so popular? It's just a good story, well told, with lots of love and intrigue.
In that setting as well.
And all the big frocks.
And all the big frocks.
Not quite as big as yours, but, yes.
You don't have to be rude about it.
Sorry.
Does everyone stay in character? Absolutely not.
Oh, really? So Hugh Bonneville, if he spills something down his front, he's not getting you to come and mop it up, is he? I don't do mopping.
No, that's true.
I may be dressed with an apron, but I never wear an apron.
I'm very good at delegating, but I don't actually do any work.
I just delegate.
I love all of the, you know, like a sideways glance? This is what I love about costume dramas, the sideways glance.
Right.
Like this, like this.
A little bit coy.
You see, I can't Can you do it? You can.
Oh, can I? Sideways coy look? Yeah.
I think whenever I do it, it looks Yeah, round of applause for yours.
It took me three years to learn that.
It just looks like I'm cheating in an exam, doesn't it? Now, I'd love to live like the Crawleys, but under my stairs, there's just a knackered hoover and an old Thighmaster.
I don't think there's much room for servants.
I live in a flat, it doesn't really work like this.
No, no, it doesn't.
Do you treat your servants better now that you're in a programme like this? They do get every second Sunday off.
Do you know if there's going to be any more series? Because I'd love to carry on to, like, the '60s.
That would be great, to have Hugh Bonneville just smoking pot and wearing tie-dye.
Yes, well, I can tell you there is another series about.
And just to recap on Downton so far Matthew has recovered from a broken spine.
O'Brien got her own back on Lady Cora with a bar of soap.
Patrick, the original heir, returned with a different face and a Canadian accent.
That's fair enough.
Will Lord Grantham step out of the shower and realise it's all been a dream? Ssh.
Oh, somebody at the door.
I didn't know we had a door.
We definitely don't have a door.
Sarah, my darling creature, it's not too late.
I've missed you.
In fact, pet, I've crumbled.
To see again those rubescent lips, those mammorial mammories.
Those glowing orbs.
My darling creature.
Tell me, tell me you'll let me know again those embracing arms, those tumbling tresses.
Tell me, Sarah, you will.
Go on, now, go! Walk out the door.
Turn around now, because you're not welcome any more.
My darling, this is so unlike you.
You bastard! Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Callow and Phyllis Logan.
Well, that's all for tonight.
We haven't had time to talk about Grange Hill.
In one episode, a pupil overdosed on heroin.
Bloody hell, I thought Sheila Pullen was a wrong'un just because she spent all her dinner money on sherbet Dip Dabs.
And Spooks has been ruined for me by the News of the World.
We now know they don't need to knock out security, drug the guard dogs and dodge the lasers to get information.
They just press one, two, three, four and listen to the voicemail.
We haven't had time to talk about Misfits.
One of the characters is a teenager who can turn invisible.
That's not a super power, I was invisible at school for five years.
Goodnight.