The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Hi, this is Sarah Silverman.
We got a lot to cover today.
So let's just do these slides quick.
There's Laura, she's nice.
There's Jay, he's dumb.
There's Brian and Steve, they're gay.
Great, let's go.
Sarah.
Sarah.
Sarah.
Hey, it's morning time, Doug! Sarah Silverman? - Gross homeless guy? - It's Fred Blorth, Valley Village High.
Wow! I remember you! Fred Blorth.
Well, how are you? - Well, I'm homeless.
- Right.
Good, great, great.
- Actually, it's pretty awful.
- Right.
Yeah.
Hey, your pillow looks like a bunch of my old dish towels.
Yeah, probably is.
I go around the neighbourhood looking in garbage cans for stuff.
- I hope you don't mind.
- Oh, God, no.
No.
It's funny, you know, because we met all those years ago at high school, and now, here we are, you know, I live in a nice apartment, you sleep on my garbage in a box on the street.
It's like The Gift of the Magi.
God, great to see you.
I gotta get to brunch.
There's this stack of pancakes looking for a home.
Anyway, take care, Fred.
Bye.
So then, after that hay ride is over, one of the punks runs up and punches me in the eye and then runs away.
You'd think with all the money we're paying for Brian's karate lessons, he wouldn't have just stood there and watched it happen.
I haven't completed my training yet.
Your graduation ceremony is in an hour.
Right, I still have to learn the Ki ai and the - Hey.
- Hey, guys.
Hi, Sarah.
Guys, we have exciting news.
Jay is receiving the Humanitarian of the Year Award for his work with blind kids.
Yeah, you know, if I could just help one blind kid Then what? Well, then I It would I It's good.
That's awesome, man.
I must be like the blind children because I don't see what the big deal is.
Look, you don't need to feel threatened.
You're a great person.
Being a humanitarian is just Jay's special quality.
I'm not threatened, by the way, I hate to tell you.
I think it's funny.
I mean, if anyone should get a humanitarian award, it's me.
You? What for? Let me think.
Maybe because I took in a homeless man.
What homeless man? - Fred Blorth.
- Fred Blorth.
Isn't that that guy everyone used to make fun of in high school? Yeah.
His mom was the lunch lady and she queefed all the time, right in front of everybody.
She couldn't control it, the queefing.
And the kids, they teased him mercilessly until eventually, he went crazy.
And they had to put him in an institution.
Well, he's out now, and I've taken him under my wing.
I'm gonna change him from a homeless person to a real person.
But don't give me an award.
It would cheapen it.
I better go.
Homeless don't crap themselves.
- Yeah, they do.
- Exactly.
Gross.
"Giving is just his special quality, Sarah.
" Give me a break.
I've given more with my left boob.
I gotta find Fred.
I remember that about his mother.
She, like, queefed with every step.
How do you even do that? I did it once by accident.
I had this really big sneeze, and it just happened.
It was humiliating.
See you next week, Pat.
Fred? Hi, hey.
It's Sarah Silverman.
- Hey, Sarah.
- Hi.
It's nice to see you again.
Well, what did you think? I was just gonna leave an old friend homeless on the street with no one to talk to but the worms in his beard? Now, I just wanted to get some brunch, but I'm full now, so I'm gonna take you home with me.
- Really? - Yeah.
Why? I'm not a religious person, but God, probably.
I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
Just gather up your rotten banana peel and your jar of some weird liquid and come with me.
This is great, Sarah.
I'll take it.
Hey! Who's ready to spend his first night not getting stabbed by drunken teenagers? - Me.
- That's what I thought.
I don't mean to bother you, but you think I could get some food? I thought this might happen.
Fred, if I feed you, then you're gonna learn that food is just this free thing that you don't have to earn, and in a way, it's gonna make you homeless-er.
Okay.
Well, you think I can get some blankets? I would love to give you blankets.
I would love to give you blankets! I only have five and I really need all of them.
'Cause what I do is I, like, jack up the AC, and then I love to get in bed, and just stack them one on top of the other and just bundle.
I got you.
Of course, I have blankets for you.
Your favourite kind.
Dish towels.
- I hope you don't mind, they're clean.
- Those are great.
Nobody believed I could be so kind Took in a homeless man and eased his mind I'm in debt to you This isn't a duet.
He once had a jar where he kept his pee He lived his life on the streets but now he lives with me Now he's covered in dish towels instead of fleas I'm the greatest mother trucker alive I gave him rebirth through caesarean I did it 'cause I'm a humanitarian You did good, kid.
Thank God.
I'm still pretty.
- It was a good movie.
- I'd say.
Sharon Stone's still got it.
She's never gonna lose it Hey, what's up, buddy? Let's see the wallet, Mythbuster.
Yeah, I've got to warn you, I know karate.
Oh, my God! Does he know karate? - No.
- What are you doing? What - Take his wallet, Jojo.
- My wallet and my glasses! - Mustangs! - Mustangs! I read about those guys.
Thank you.
When I first met these blind kids, I went blind with rage at how unfair the world is.
Anyway, I have to say, these blind children were some of the sweetest Hey, you guys, this is my homeless person, Fred.
My God, Sarah, you really did take Fred in.
- I thought you were joking.
It's amazing.
- I know.
Yeah, I gotta say, it's pretty much the most generous thing I've ever seen.
Hello.
I mean I'm so sorry, Jay, please continue.
The last thing I want to do is interrupt your story about how you spent an hour reading nursery rhymes with my silly story about how I gave a man a home and changed his life forever.
Thank you.
This is about Jay.
- It's about Jay.
- Anyway, I knew that if I was going to read to blind kids, I would have to get a book.
Since I don't read Braille and I was reading to them.
You see, they're all illiterate, really Sarah, I'm so proud of you.
I really think what you're doing is important.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm gonna do something else important, too.
- What? - I'll give you two hints.
It's yellow and it's pee-pee.
Going to the bathroom? One of the saddest things about these blind kids is that they've never even seen their own toys.
Sarah.
Sarah.
There's something you should know.
I'm going to the bathroom! Sorry.
You could've chased the guy after he hit me.
You don't know what you're talking about.
One of the main teachings of karate is to avoid confrontation.
If I'd chased after him, it would've soiled the integrity of the belt.
Well, I'm glad your belt is okay.
Be a shame if your belt wound up looking like Beetlejuice.
I know how you feel.
A long time ago, the person that was supposed to protect me let me down.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Don't let it happen to you.
Trust me.
You do not want to end up like me.
You must listen to me.
This is important, Sarah.
- Please.
- Let me ask you something.
If you're such a ghost then why don't you talk like this? That is a crude stereotype.
Talking like that to a ghost would be like saying the "N" word to a black person.
Really? Well, interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the Holocaust never happened.
So I guess we're even.
I have something for you.
Close your eyes.
No peeking.
Okay.
It's a briefcase.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
Look inside.
Look inside.
Food.
I remember you said you wanted some, so I really appreciate everything that you've done.
- Silverman.
- Hi, Sarah, this is Scarlett Lacey.
I'm the host of Valley Village Live.
We've been hearing about your amazing work with the local homeless, and I'd love for you to be a guest on my show.
Really? Wow.
That is I don't know what to say.
It's so flattering.
Sarah, I'm trying to warn you.
Do you see that I'm on the phone? But I keep trying, and you won't listen.
Jesus! You're a dead woman, but you're acting like a dead baby.
I'm talking with Valley Village resident, Sarah Silverman.
Recently, this intrepid young woman looked homelessness in the face and said, "Not today, sir.
" Sarah, what kind of a woman does this? Well, it's a good question.
Wow.
Am I a hero? I don't think so.
Did I help one man get his life back? Okay, I'll take that one.
But is that heroic? I don't know.
I don't like labels.
What do you think, folks? Is she a hero? For those of you who are still unsure, let's take a look at what Sarah has accomplished.
So, Sarah, what are we looking at here? This is Fred before I took him in.
- As you can see, he's totally homeless.
- Right, let's look at him now.
This steak is for the swelling.
I cut eye holes in it so you can still watch TV and a mouth hole so you can breathe.
Yeah, that looks pretty good.
Gee, thanks.
This really kicks ass.
Too bad you don't.
Steve, I am good at karate.
Yeah, well, excuse the look of scepticism on what's left of my face.
Maybe you should look at your part in this.
I mean, what is it about you that makes people want to punch you in the face so much? Nice.
Blame the victim.
You get it.
Why? I'm sorry, man.
I live here in the building, and I'd see you around.
There's something about you that just takes me there.
Anyway, real sorry.
Brian! Now, Sarah, we'd love a little back story on Fred.
How did he hit rock bottom? His mother was the lunch lady at our high school, and she had a I don't know what I can get away with on TV.
Her "verginia" was kind of flappity or I don't know the technical term.
Floppity, maybe.
And air would get there or I don't know what caused it, but she would make these uncontrollable noises with every step.
I know.
It's gross.
I mean, you'd order the beef Wellington, and you'd get queef Wellington.
It's actually a very serious affliction and we shouldn't be making jokes.
A lot of famous people have it.
Queefer Sutherland.
Diane Queefin of Annie Hall fame.
- Queef Witherspoon.
- That's right.
It's hard to queef track of all of them.
Check this out.
Check this out.
Check this out.
Okay.
This is what Fred's mom was like.
Do you want a potato pie? This is her rollerblading.
Do it in a kayak.
Okay.
This is her in a kayak.
You all right, chief? Are you all right, queef? Fred! Did you see me on TV? I was so great! You told them about my mother.
Yeah.
Why? Was that off-limits? Well, you know what? Maybe we should sit down and just discuss, like, what's touchy for you.
Because they definitely want me back, and I wanna be able to have the freedom to It was private! Say it, don't spray it.
God! I want the news, not the weather.
You know what, Fred? If you're gonna be all weird and creepy, maybe you should just pack up your cardboard box and go home.
I'm gonna kill you! Sarah! Sarah! Sarah, this is what I was trying to warn you about.
Fred is my son.
Twenty years ago, he went crazy and he killed me! - Because of all the queefing? - Yes.
Look, it was the '70s.
Everyone was doing it.
Sarah, you must queef.
What? It's his only weakness.
The sound of it renders him helpless.
It's the only thing that can save you.
No, I don't do that! You must! It's your only chance! It's so gross! I'm gonna kill you, Sarah Silverman.
If you don't, then he will kill you, and you'll wind up a ghost like me.
- Is that what you want? - No, you're totally annoying! Sarah, can I grab another steak for Steve's face? We kind of wound up Brian! Help me! Fred, what are you doing? Fred, your mom's totally queefing! Stop making fun of me! What's going on? Your son's getting his ass kicked by my gay friend.
- Brian, you're awesome.
- You have no idea.
Round one.
Fight! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Brian, you totally saved me! Dude, you totally kicked his ass! Oh, my God! Look out.
- Sarah! - What? Behind you.
Just let me stab her once.
Let me just stab her.
Come on.
Let me get her.
I wanna stab her.
Come on.
Stab you! Rude.
- Sarah, I just - Look, I - No, after - I was Me? I just I know we haven't always seen eye to eye.
And I'm sure I haven't been the easiest person to haunt.
No, no, I could have been more direct.
It's amazing, isn't it? Here I am at this stage, and I still have so much growing up to do.
So you and I are okay? Sarah, you and I are terrific.
Goodbye, Sarah.
Goodbye, friend.
Wow, Doug, a lot of stuff happened today.
I learned that gay guys love karate, but they are so unpredictable, like, for when they're gonna use it.
And I also learned that if you open your heart and help people, they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death.
And it's sad.
I don't get it.
Why do you have a boner? Nobody believed I could be so kind Took in a homeless man and eased his mind I'm in debt to you This isn't a duet.
He once had a jar where he kept his pee He lived his life on the streets but now he lives with me Now he's covered in dishtowels instead of fleas I'm the greatest mother trucker alive