The Thick of It s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
(Glenn) Producing better stuff You're late.
And you look like shit.
I know both of those things already.
Margaret Thatcher used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night.
- How is that possible? - Monkey glands.
(Glenn) She was mad.
Mad people have different needs.
(Hugh) And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute.
God, I mean, London is so big.
Can't we devolve some of it? - (Glenn sighs) - If I could get one decent night's shut-eye Well, do yourself a favour and stay in the flat.
I can't break my promise to Kate.
Do you actually get to see the children? Glenn, I don't have time for that.
All I do I work, I eat, I showerthat's it.
And occasionally I take a dump, just as a sort oftreat.
I mean, that really is my treat.
That's what it's come to.
That's I sit there and I think ''No, I'm not gonna read the New Statesman.
''This time is just for me.
This is quality time just for me.
'' - Is that normal? - It's sad.
- At least I've made something.
- Morning, Secretary of State.
We've got quite a lot to get through.
- I've cancelled that interview for BBC Norfolk.
- Why? Well, it was gonna clash with the two minutes' silence.
- Good call.
- If you're not remembering the dead and talking about benefit fraud in Kings Lynn you are gonna look a bit ofa dick.
Olly, could you get me another coffee? (Terri) Remember what I told you? When I was working at Waitrose? - Yes.
I know.
- Do you remember that? It was two minutes' silence, ordinary Sunday, and somebody went on the Tannoy about a spillage alert.
- The tabloids were like rats up a drainpipe.
- Were they? Can you just? It's the Times.
Could you just have a quick look at that? - Is it about me? - Have a read of it first.
I find this job exciting enough - without injecting artificial suspense.
- (Mobile) You're cock-teasing, Terri, tell me what it is.
- Hello, Malcolm.
- (Shouting, indistinct) - No, he hasn't yet.
No.
- What? - He is, isn't he? He's a prick.
- (Glenn) Who's a prick? - Am I a prick? - Yep, rip the ball sack off.
- (Glenn) Whose ball sack? - Whose ball sack? - (Shouting continues) - Whose balls? - Hello, Malcolm.
- Have you seen Simon Hewitt's piece? I haven't quite been through it, er, yet.
Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth? No, at the moment he's calling me ''the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant''.
That's not very good, is it? Hang on a second.
Ooh, ''insipid'', yeah.
(Mumbles) ''Uninspiring''.
(Olly) Christ, that's bad, look at that.
Ooh, ''disconnected to the point of autism''.
We're gonna get this tosser, Hugh, don't you worry.
He'll be at the Sport, Photoshopping the tits of Hollyoaks extras by the end of the month.
Can I just Hello? No, he's gone.
That's great.
Malcolm's backing me.
- (Olly) Yeah? - So, how do we respond to this? Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.
Is that honestly the best swearing you can come up with? This is a bucket of shit.
If someone throws shit, we throw shit at them.
We start a shit fight.
We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, throw shit, or do shit.
- (Terri) Mm.
- That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.
- Watch and learn.
- (Hugh) We're all agreed that the department needs to look a bit less - (Olly) Autistic.
- .
.
badly staffed.
So we need to, at this morning's policy review, come up with some sort of new announcement that's a bit more connected, bit morefunky! (Olly) Funky.
(Terri) Look, erm I hope you're not gonna just toss offsome policy just to get back at some journalist.
So, erm, essentially this is just us again but in a bigger room, isn't it? - And without Terri.
- Yeah, I've block-booked 14 meeting rooms.
- She'll never find us.
- It's foolproof.
It's the only way to get any work done.
Chris from Health does it all the time.
OK, all right, I'll start.
There was a key worker policy I worked up a couple of months ago.
Quite like that.
We need to find an angle.
A very good angle.
Youths.
You know? People are afraid of youths.
- I mean, I know I am.
- Grrr.
- You taking the piss? - (Olly) No.
I'm just joshing.
- It sounds as though you're taking the piss.
- It's just good-natured joshing.
- Will the two ofy ou just shut up? - I am being good-natured.
Shut up for a minute, please.
Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment.
Litter, dog shit.
- (Olly) Aiming high.
- We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.
- (Olly) So what you're - This is what we're doing.
- I'm putting it about - (Glenn) Morning, Malcolm.
.
.
that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks, a favour to Cliff.
- Cliff being? - (Glenn) Cliff Lawton.
Hugh's predecessor.
He and Hewitt are tight as arse cheeks.
- Are they now? - Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying.
It's personal, it's back-slapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are the innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
- OK, right.
- I'm fixing you up with a ''me and my media'' piece with your ex Angela Heaney.
But it is a perfect opportunity to show just how clued up you are, actually.
Hughy Abbot, the in-touch guy.
You're on the ball, you know the price of a pint of milk, you love HBO imports, VH1, Pixar, - you dig the Streets - Yeah, no, they're all great.
You've got absolutely no fucking idea what I'm talking about, do you? Yeah, yeah, I do.
Who's the only gay in the village? Eddie Grundy.
I-I don't know.
No, he's got children.
Mind you, a lot of them do, these days.
Ben at the Foreign Office - What's a chav? - Ch Erm - It'serm - You must know this, Hugh.
- Hugh, what is a chav? - Chav.
- (All) Chav.
Chav.
- Just saying ''chav'' isn't very helpful.
This is important stuff, Hugh.
Right.
We do a weekly digest for the Prime Minister.
We boil down the week's television, cinema, music, so on - The Zeitgeist tapes.
- (Malcolm) Exactly.
Zeitgeist tape.
EastEnders highlights, choice bits from the reality shows, ten-second music videos.
God, that's why the PM always looks so clued up.
I always though he was genuinely quite with it.
No, he uses phrases like ''with it'' as well.
I'm gonna bike that over to Terri.
Watch it, OK? And when you talk to Angela Heaney, stick the boot into Hewitt, remember? I'm putting it about that Cliff offered him two weeks at his Tuscan villa for that piece.
- Ten-four, daddy-o.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, this is serious.
You have got 24 hours to sort out your policy on EastEnders, right? Or you're for the halal butchers.
(Imitates EastEnders drums) Even he knows.
Terri.
- Two main contenders for our policy decision.
- Right.
Er, we change arts and music policy funding so that we give most of the money to the bad kids, give them intensive arts and music tuition, stop them turning into tomorrow's crims and offenders.
Perhaps you'd like to outline your? I'm for we punish disruptive kids by cutting them out of extra music and arts tuition.
Show them the carrot and the stick early on.
The bad kids, they get no money.
- And, Olly, the same bad kids, they get - More money.
- More money.
- They could both play.
- They're fundamentally contradictory.
- So which one should we go with? Why don't you go with both of them or neither of them or a different policy? (Hugh) You're being quite flippant.
- Do you have a preference? - That's not my role.
I sell the apples.
If you want me to sell apples, I will.
If you want me to sell oranges, I'll go and tell people that the apples are shit, Olly.
They're shit.
I'll say, ''Go on, check out our oranges.
'' Which do you prefer? Apples or oranges.
- Apples.
- (Hugh) Apples.
- Apples.
- OK.
Thank you.
- Apples.
- (Glenn) If we spend taxpayers' money putting thugs into productions of the fucking Cherry Orchard we're gonna get crucified, and rightly so.
Hang on a second.
Terri, which was apples? Was Olly apples or was Glenn apples? She'sshe's gone.
(Olly) Let's throw this to a focus group.
(Hugh) Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
So, this is where you've been having these secret meetings, is it? - (Hugh) Yeah.
No.
- No.
Yeah.
- Well? - I cannot keep abreast of all this.
- Can't you précis some ofit for me? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
I'll take a précis of the transcripts and a précis of the press packs.
Could you précis this for me, the Zeitgeist tape? Check this out.
This is a tape of this morning's focus group.
This is Mary, she is a focus group legend.
- (Hugh) Mary.
- Mary she's called.
Everything that she's said in the last 12 months in every focus group has chimed exactly with the core voter.
And she loved my arts for hearts and minds policy.
- Arts for hearts and minds? - That's what we're calling it.
And she said, Glenn, that it chimed brilliantly with stay-at-home mums like her.
And she's really core Middle England, is she? Totally, totally core Middle England.
(Mary) If children are put in a position where they've got responsibility, I think they'll rise to that challenge.
Art is all about expression, isn't it.
? Can we get her in for a one-to-one? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
- What, we're gonna précis the focus group? - Yeah.
- We'll just make it a bit morefocused.
Everybody else basically agrees with what she says.
She's got everything.
Very good way to work.
I like this.
Cut out all the extraneous stuff, you know.
Just the facts, man.
Just the protein.
Atkins government.
(Olly) OK, I'll get her in.
In fact here they are now.
- Hello! - Hi.
I'm Mary.
This is Hugh Abbott, this is Mary.
And, Mary, this is Glenn Cullen.
- And this is Mary, our focus group star.
- (Hugh) Great to meet you.
(Mary) Thank you.
I keep getting asked back.
Well, you are one of the most articulate ofour focus groupees.
That's Yeah Not groupie, groupees with two Es.
- Yes.
- You're very kind, thanks.
(Olly) All right, listen, just to push on I was thinking that ifI am representative of the public at large - you're gonna listen to what I say - You're every woman.
- ''It's all in me.
'' - (Olly chuckles) Something like that.
- It's, er, it's a song, Hugh.
- Yeah, I know.
- So, Mary, the policy we were talking about - Great policy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really good, well done.
- We were wondering - I was thinking about it afterwards.
And if those extra classes, you know, the drama and the music and the art classes, if they have them after school it saves the potentially naughty children from missing out on the core curriculum.
- That's important.
- (Olly) That's a good angle.
And also it would be, I think, a really welcome breathing space for some of the single parents, like me.
(Hugh) Yes.
(Olly) Excellent.
I thought of a name for it.
I thought you could call it Play For Tomorrow.
(Olly) Play For Tomorrow.
Yeah, excellent.
Thank you so much for coming in, and good luck with the single mother thing.
- Thank you.
- (Olly) I'll be right Erm I'll see you in a bit, Glenn.
- And you're against it? - It'll die on its arse.
''My Grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo.
''What are you gonna do about it?'' ''Teach him the bassoon.
'' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
But you think it's got legs, Hugh? - Several.
- How did it play with the focus groups? - She loves it.
- Sorry? (Olly) They absolutely love it.
You've got 94% approve/strongly approve rating.
That's enormous.
- Why did you say ''she''? - I don't know.
- You can call boats she.
- 94%.
It's all there, black and white.
It's difficult to argue with that, Glenn, whatever your foul-mouthed mother might have said.
Yes, I can feel a stiffy in the post.
- My guts still say no.
- Substantial as they are, they're outvoted.
- I'll talk to Tom about green-lighting this.
- So that's a go, Terri.
Just, erm, put the smell out, see ifanybodygags on it.
Justjust float it.
- OK, er - Problem? Can we please try and stop making policy on the hoof? We've been on the hoof and we have been too hoofy.
- Have we? - if there could just be some sitting down.
- Yeah.
- Just, you know, sitting down.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
We've got the chairs, we should use them.
- I think so.
That was it.
- OK.
Is that it? - That's the problem.
No more.
- Problem solved.
Good point.
- I'll go and float.
- OK.
- Face up? - If you like, yep.
(Malcolm) See you, Terri.
Malcolm, I know you were keen on Terri's appointment but - She's shit.
- I wouldn't go that far.
She's a box-ticker, Hugh.
She can't think outside the box.
She's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.
- Exactly.
I like that.
- Sorry, I'm so tired.
- No, that's good.
- I have so much stuff to read and think about.
- You seem to get through it all right.
- Yeah, I find the time, somewhere.
Do you get lonely? - No.
- No.
Neither do I.
- So did you watch the Zeitgeist tape? - Some of it, yeah.
So you know your EastEnders? Little Mo, Big Mo? - (Imitates EastEnders drums, gets it wrong) - What? - I haven't watched it, no.
- What the fuck are you playing at? Are you playing at being a minister or are you a real-life fucking minister? I am a real-life minister.
- I've never seen headlines like it.
- In what way? - It's all gone to shite.
- Oh, the papers didn't like the policy? They fucking loathe it.
Are you getting all this, Hugh? Yes, you're very clear.
- (Terri) Do they all hate it? The Times? - Especially the Times.
(Hugh) But the first editions haven't gone to bed yet.
- How do you know.
? - Because I'm connected.
I'm plugged into the matrix.
I am the fucking matrix.
- Whatwhat Sorry.
? - Have you not watched that tape? I'm taking it home now to watch it there.
We've just bought a new video player off the back of Alicia's obsession with Pingu.
- OK, pay attention.
- I've heard of Pingu.
This arts policy is dead, OK? As ofnow.
Get a press release together and bung it in the oven.
Fuck off, the lot ofyou.
And, Hugh, watch that tape.
I was in the Blackwall Tunnel, can you repeat all that.
? These focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
Oh, it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? Before we formulate policy? Look, people either don't know what they think or they think you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens.
Or they just think what every right-minded person would think.
Oh, yeah, ''I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else ''cos I'm a normal bloke and everybody thinks like me ''cos I work in IT, and every weekend I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJing, ''spare cash cos I'm a single mum, and I'm in the National Trust, ''I enjoy sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth.
''I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fuckingkaraoke.
'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn.
People can surprise you.
Was that good-natured joshing? - (Mobile rings) - (Sighs) - Tucker.
- Malcolm, erhope I didn't wake you up.
(Spits) Hewitt.
Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups, it's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster.
I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing - without focus groups.
- I'm shaking with fear.
- Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy.
- You're so witty.
Pity none of it makes it into your columns.
Listen, I'd love to spend the evening listening to you but I've got better things to do.
Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat.
- (Mobile rings) - Hello.
- Hugh, it's Terri.
- Yeah, hello.
- Sorry, I've woken you up.
- I wasn't asleep.
I just got dropped off and I'm being picked up again in three hours so I kept my trousers on.
Listen, I've just heard that Simon Hewitt's doing another piece on you about how you rely on focus groups.
- Oh, cock.
- (Yawning) Look, I'll be on it in the morning - so don't lose any sleep over it.
- Are you taking the piss? - Erm, no.
- Sorry, I've got to go.
I've got an egg on.
(Yawning) See you in the morning.
- Bye-bye.
- Night, Hugh.
Bye.
Bitch.
How fucked am I? Well, you look awful.
You quite often look bad, but In terms of negative publicity.
On the fuckometer, where am I? - Oh, 12.
- (Olly) Yeah.
- 12, say.
- Out ofwhat? - Er50.
- Oh.
Mine was out of ten.
Right, so I'm24% fucked according to you but according to you I'm 120% fucked.
(Olly) Erm, yeah.
I didn't - Terri, have you got anything? - I can't ask them to drop the piece, - it would make us look pathetic.
- I don't mean to come across all Mr Gradgrind but this is your job, sorting out the press.
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway, it's him that spun that All right, this is what we're gonna do.
I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Heaney to this afternoon.
- (Glenn) Morning, Malcolm.
- It goes out tomorrow morning.
That way we can get our side of the story across and piss all over Simon Hewitt's cornflakes, sadly only metaphorically.
Yeah? Right, OK.
Olly, call Heaney.
Terri, get on to her editor.
Glenn, book her room.
Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
At times of stress, I make jokes! (Hugh) Right.
Erm What do I do? Sit down at the TV with me.
You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
(# Theme from The Bill) (Woman) You don't seem to be able to understand - Shit.
- I know, but people watch it.
- This gets six million.
- Oh, shit.
What? - She's an actress.
- Who? Mary from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter.
If focus groups are short of numbers they bung in a couple of actors.
It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, group.
(Man) I need to think.
I'll call you.
Ooh, I've just remembered.
Erm - Can you just - I'll pause it.
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be I'll be back in a sec.
- (Whispers) Glenn, got a bit ofa problem.
- What? You remember Mary from the focus group? What, Miss Immaculate bloody Conception? - She's an actress.
- What do you mean? I mean that she's There's no clearer way of saying it - she's an actress.
- Are you sure? - I've just seen her in The fucking Bill.
Oh, Jesus.
This doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
It does.
It means she's not really a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she's just playing a part.
- So, what she said wasn't, you know - Yes, I do know.
- What? Who said what? What? - We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people, they're fucking actors, - so they're not technically people at all.
- Can I get back to you? Your fucking legend is a fucking actress.
Focus group companies do it all the time.
if they can't cobble together the right cross-section, they call a casting agency.
Dial an opinion, is it? Send me three liberals, two mavericks - and a racist.
Brilliant! - (Terri) Shh.
(Whispering) We've based the whole thing on her.
Just her! Her alone! Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me? (Whispering) Shit.
Shit.
(Olly and Glenn whispering argumentatively) (Olly) It's not real.
(Terri) I thought I recognised her.
She was in Midsomer Murders.
(Olly) Why didn't you say anything? (Terri) I thought she might've had a twin.
(Olly) What a stupid thing to (Whispered arguing continues, indistinct) (Shouting) Fuck! Fuck! (Banging and crashing) (Malcolm) You said ''she''.
(Hugh) Yes.
- Come out of the cupboard, Hugh.
- No.
Hugh, we have to sort this out.
- When I asked you about the focus group - Yeah.
.
.
you said ''she'' loved it.
We gave her a one-on-one.
Why? She's Middle England.
So, Middle England is a big fucking field with one woman standing in it? Do you think Hewitt will find out? Of course he fucking will, she's his mole! That's why he's got a piece in the paper tomorrow.
We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney.
It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way we want it before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle.
- Get onto it, now.
- Yeah It was Olly's, erm - It's not my fault.
- It was Olly's idea.
- I went with it.
- The agency lied to us, Hugh.
- The agency lied to me.
- I fought for going with it.
- (Hugh) We should get her in.
- Get on to Heaney's editor.
- I'm on to it, Malcolm.
- Talk to Angela, get her to do this.
- Right, OK.
- Can I speak to Angela Heaney? - (Terri) Can I leave a message? - Malcolm, may I just suggest Shh! - I didn't know that she's an actress.
- Exactly.
We've been lied to, abused.
- We are the victims of abuse.
- (Terri) Olly.
- Shut up.
- Can you call her? - You are a broken vase.
- What the fuck are you talking about? How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television.
That's why you gave me the stupid tape.
(Sighs) We're gonna get her in, talk to her, she'll meet us, we'll I will talk to her because I'm good with people.
She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
I hope so, I hope that's what happens.
- Or we kill her.
- It will (Malcolm) Make him look presentable.
(Olly) I've got a big story.
- Comb his hair, change his tie and his shirt.
- No, it's fine, don't worry about it.
(Malcolm) You're looking evening television, I want you to look afternoon.
(Malcolm) What do you want me to wear, a fucking Hawaiian shirt? - (Terri) Shall we see if you've got one? - No, she can't have a car.
Just don't fucking mother me, OK? Iit'sI'm not so much mothering, it's justwanting to help.
Are we getting herMary Can we get her in tonight? - Won't that look a bit odd? - Does anyone have her number? - I've got a number for the agency.
- Get on to the agency.
(Glenn) It's all right.
(Terri) It's not, actually.
Mary, you know Hugh.
You've met Glenn before.
This is Malcolm Tucker, he's our director of communications.
- (Hugh) Take a seat, Mary.
- Thanks.
We are so grateful for you coming in at this ungodly hour.
- Is therea problem? - Yeah, there is - you flapping your trap! The issues isthe issue of your being an actress.
Right.
- I actually prefer actor.
- I'm sorry.
Sexist, sorry.
- Slightly, yeah.
- Essentially, you know, what you told us, that was fundamentallyhonest, it was the truth, - it was honestlygenuinely what you thought.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I haven't got two children, but apart from that it was essentially - Most Yes, of course - (Hugh) You invented the kids? - I Yeah, I was - You made up small children? - I know small children.
- That's sick.
- Jesus Christ.
- I was just being representative.
- You invented children.
- (Coughs) - Small children that don't exist.
- I was giving you what you wanted.
So, eventually you lose track, the lies compound themselves and you end up all over the place like a crazy woman's shit.
And that's the problem that we're now trying to deal with.
We've given this story to a tame journalist, one who's more likely to be sympathetic Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? You are gonna find the press all over you - In a good way? - No, not at all.
- You know that film Notting Hill? - She's probably fucking in it.
You know that bit where he opens the door and there's millions of journalists and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours, that's gonna be you.
They're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
- It's OK.
- No, no, no, no, no, it's not OK.
It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why.
Because you're fair game.
So I hope your knickers are clean.
Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a by-line is gonna be questioning you.
Cos now it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks! - (Olly) We-we've done - I still don't understand what's going on.
- We can hold those dogs back.
- (Mary) What do you mean? - We can get you a nice journalist.
- Yes, exactly.
We can get you to a nice, young journalist, Angela Heaney, and maybe you I don't know what he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit.
Maybe if you just say that you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick.
- If you just said that - Who? - The journalist that you told your story to.
- II didn'tI didn't talk to any journalist.
- No, no, no.
- You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
- No, I - You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny dick the size of a bookie's biro.
- You fucking spoke to him.
- I'd like to go now.
(All shouting) - (Glenn) Shh-shh! - You didn't speak to him.
- She didn't fucking speak to him.
- I don't know anyone calledSimon - whatever the fuck.
- Hewitt.
- Hewitt, yeah.
- (Malcolm yells) - She doesn't even know.
- (Malcolm yells) (Glenn) Fuck's sake.
(Mary) What's the matter with him? (Glenn) Olly.
(Hugh) Sorry if I upset you.
Sorry, darling, sorry.
Crossed lines, darling.
Sorry about that.
- (Mary) Will you leave me alone? - If you need a car, I'll get whatever you need.
For fuck's sake! - She didn't even know.
- (Malcolm) Fuck him! That didn't really work, did it? - (Glenn) Is it too late - Can I get this straight for my own sanity? If we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? - No.
It's too late.
- Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway? Of course it fucking is.
I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? All right, that's it.
I'm going to bed.
- Kind of ironic, really - You're fucking on your own! .
.
because she hasn't actually spoken to Hewitt, erand we've of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the press unnecessarily.
Erm Damn.
- (Mary) Who was that evil Scottish guy? - He's the director ofcommunications.
He was ordering me what to say to the papers.
- No, no, no, he wasn't ordering you.
- That's quite a big story, dragging me out of bed and telling me I think some papers might be interested in that.
No, look The department has a lot of initiatives coming up - Right.
Right.
Has it really? - Yeah.
And we're going to need the face of urban renewal for thething, a whole campaign, there's gonna be stationery, pens Face probably won't fit on - We've got all that coming up.
- You are trying to bribe me with a stationery photo shoot? Er, no, erm None of this is happening.
No, not bribe, no.
(Olly) That was just small talk.
You understand that, right? I was just chatting.
Small chat.
Can you wake me in a couple of hours? There's no time to go home, I'll pass myself coming back in.
(Hugh sighs) I'll ring Catherine and say you won't be home.
Hi.
How did you get on? Happiness? Go away, Terri.
I'll clear up a few biscuits whilst I'm at it.
(Glenn) Kate, just leaving a message for you - I know you're asleep by now - from Hugh.
Love to the kids, see Alicia in the morning and, ermbig kiss and sorry about the bedtime story.
And you look like shit.
I know both of those things already.
Margaret Thatcher used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night.
- How is that possible? - Monkey glands.
(Glenn) She was mad.
Mad people have different needs.
(Hugh) And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute.
God, I mean, London is so big.
Can't we devolve some of it? - (Glenn sighs) - If I could get one decent night's shut-eye Well, do yourself a favour and stay in the flat.
I can't break my promise to Kate.
Do you actually get to see the children? Glenn, I don't have time for that.
All I do I work, I eat, I showerthat's it.
And occasionally I take a dump, just as a sort oftreat.
I mean, that really is my treat.
That's what it's come to.
That's I sit there and I think ''No, I'm not gonna read the New Statesman.
''This time is just for me.
This is quality time just for me.
'' - Is that normal? - It's sad.
- At least I've made something.
- Morning, Secretary of State.
We've got quite a lot to get through.
- I've cancelled that interview for BBC Norfolk.
- Why? Well, it was gonna clash with the two minutes' silence.
- Good call.
- If you're not remembering the dead and talking about benefit fraud in Kings Lynn you are gonna look a bit ofa dick.
Olly, could you get me another coffee? (Terri) Remember what I told you? When I was working at Waitrose? - Yes.
I know.
- Do you remember that? It was two minutes' silence, ordinary Sunday, and somebody went on the Tannoy about a spillage alert.
- The tabloids were like rats up a drainpipe.
- Were they? Can you just? It's the Times.
Could you just have a quick look at that? - Is it about me? - Have a read of it first.
I find this job exciting enough - without injecting artificial suspense.
- (Mobile) You're cock-teasing, Terri, tell me what it is.
- Hello, Malcolm.
- (Shouting, indistinct) - No, he hasn't yet.
No.
- What? - He is, isn't he? He's a prick.
- (Glenn) Who's a prick? - Am I a prick? - Yep, rip the ball sack off.
- (Glenn) Whose ball sack? - Whose ball sack? - (Shouting continues) - Whose balls? - Hello, Malcolm.
- Have you seen Simon Hewitt's piece? I haven't quite been through it, er, yet.
Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth? No, at the moment he's calling me ''the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant''.
That's not very good, is it? Hang on a second.
Ooh, ''insipid'', yeah.
(Mumbles) ''Uninspiring''.
(Olly) Christ, that's bad, look at that.
Ooh, ''disconnected to the point of autism''.
We're gonna get this tosser, Hugh, don't you worry.
He'll be at the Sport, Photoshopping the tits of Hollyoaks extras by the end of the month.
Can I just Hello? No, he's gone.
That's great.
Malcolm's backing me.
- (Olly) Yeah? - So, how do we respond to this? Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.
Is that honestly the best swearing you can come up with? This is a bucket of shit.
If someone throws shit, we throw shit at them.
We start a shit fight.
We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, throw shit, or do shit.
- (Terri) Mm.
- That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.
- Watch and learn.
- (Hugh) We're all agreed that the department needs to look a bit less - (Olly) Autistic.
- .
.
badly staffed.
So we need to, at this morning's policy review, come up with some sort of new announcement that's a bit more connected, bit morefunky! (Olly) Funky.
(Terri) Look, erm I hope you're not gonna just toss offsome policy just to get back at some journalist.
So, erm, essentially this is just us again but in a bigger room, isn't it? - And without Terri.
- Yeah, I've block-booked 14 meeting rooms.
- She'll never find us.
- It's foolproof.
It's the only way to get any work done.
Chris from Health does it all the time.
OK, all right, I'll start.
There was a key worker policy I worked up a couple of months ago.
Quite like that.
We need to find an angle.
A very good angle.
Youths.
You know? People are afraid of youths.
- I mean, I know I am.
- Grrr.
- You taking the piss? - (Olly) No.
I'm just joshing.
- It sounds as though you're taking the piss.
- It's just good-natured joshing.
- Will the two ofy ou just shut up? - I am being good-natured.
Shut up for a minute, please.
Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment.
Litter, dog shit.
- (Olly) Aiming high.
- We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.
- (Olly) So what you're - This is what we're doing.
- I'm putting it about - (Glenn) Morning, Malcolm.
.
.
that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks, a favour to Cliff.
- Cliff being? - (Glenn) Cliff Lawton.
Hugh's predecessor.
He and Hewitt are tight as arse cheeks.
- Are they now? - Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying.
It's personal, it's back-slapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are the innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
- OK, right.
- I'm fixing you up with a ''me and my media'' piece with your ex Angela Heaney.
But it is a perfect opportunity to show just how clued up you are, actually.
Hughy Abbot, the in-touch guy.
You're on the ball, you know the price of a pint of milk, you love HBO imports, VH1, Pixar, - you dig the Streets - Yeah, no, they're all great.
You've got absolutely no fucking idea what I'm talking about, do you? Yeah, yeah, I do.
Who's the only gay in the village? Eddie Grundy.
I-I don't know.
No, he's got children.
Mind you, a lot of them do, these days.
Ben at the Foreign Office - What's a chav? - Ch Erm - It'serm - You must know this, Hugh.
- Hugh, what is a chav? - Chav.
- (All) Chav.
Chav.
- Just saying ''chav'' isn't very helpful.
This is important stuff, Hugh.
Right.
We do a weekly digest for the Prime Minister.
We boil down the week's television, cinema, music, so on - The Zeitgeist tapes.
- (Malcolm) Exactly.
Zeitgeist tape.
EastEnders highlights, choice bits from the reality shows, ten-second music videos.
God, that's why the PM always looks so clued up.
I always though he was genuinely quite with it.
No, he uses phrases like ''with it'' as well.
I'm gonna bike that over to Terri.
Watch it, OK? And when you talk to Angela Heaney, stick the boot into Hewitt, remember? I'm putting it about that Cliff offered him two weeks at his Tuscan villa for that piece.
- Ten-four, daddy-o.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, this is serious.
You have got 24 hours to sort out your policy on EastEnders, right? Or you're for the halal butchers.
(Imitates EastEnders drums) Even he knows.
Terri.
- Two main contenders for our policy decision.
- Right.
Er, we change arts and music policy funding so that we give most of the money to the bad kids, give them intensive arts and music tuition, stop them turning into tomorrow's crims and offenders.
Perhaps you'd like to outline your? I'm for we punish disruptive kids by cutting them out of extra music and arts tuition.
Show them the carrot and the stick early on.
The bad kids, they get no money.
- And, Olly, the same bad kids, they get - More money.
- More money.
- They could both play.
- They're fundamentally contradictory.
- So which one should we go with? Why don't you go with both of them or neither of them or a different policy? (Hugh) You're being quite flippant.
- Do you have a preference? - That's not my role.
I sell the apples.
If you want me to sell apples, I will.
If you want me to sell oranges, I'll go and tell people that the apples are shit, Olly.
They're shit.
I'll say, ''Go on, check out our oranges.
'' Which do you prefer? Apples or oranges.
- Apples.
- (Hugh) Apples.
- Apples.
- OK.
Thank you.
- Apples.
- (Glenn) If we spend taxpayers' money putting thugs into productions of the fucking Cherry Orchard we're gonna get crucified, and rightly so.
Hang on a second.
Terri, which was apples? Was Olly apples or was Glenn apples? She'sshe's gone.
(Olly) Let's throw this to a focus group.
(Hugh) Yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
So, this is where you've been having these secret meetings, is it? - (Hugh) Yeah.
No.
- No.
Yeah.
- Well? - I cannot keep abreast of all this.
- Can't you précis some ofit for me? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
I'll take a précis of the transcripts and a précis of the press packs.
Could you précis this for me, the Zeitgeist tape? Check this out.
This is a tape of this morning's focus group.
This is Mary, she is a focus group legend.
- (Hugh) Mary.
- Mary she's called.
Everything that she's said in the last 12 months in every focus group has chimed exactly with the core voter.
And she loved my arts for hearts and minds policy.
- Arts for hearts and minds? - That's what we're calling it.
And she said, Glenn, that it chimed brilliantly with stay-at-home mums like her.
And she's really core Middle England, is she? Totally, totally core Middle England.
(Mary) If children are put in a position where they've got responsibility, I think they'll rise to that challenge.
Art is all about expression, isn't it.
? Can we get her in for a one-to-one? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
- What, we're gonna précis the focus group? - Yeah.
- We'll just make it a bit morefocused.
Everybody else basically agrees with what she says.
She's got everything.
Very good way to work.
I like this.
Cut out all the extraneous stuff, you know.
Just the facts, man.
Just the protein.
Atkins government.
(Olly) OK, I'll get her in.
In fact here they are now.
- Hello! - Hi.
I'm Mary.
This is Hugh Abbott, this is Mary.
And, Mary, this is Glenn Cullen.
- And this is Mary, our focus group star.
- (Hugh) Great to meet you.
(Mary) Thank you.
I keep getting asked back.
Well, you are one of the most articulate ofour focus groupees.
That's Yeah Not groupie, groupees with two Es.
- Yes.
- You're very kind, thanks.
(Olly) All right, listen, just to push on I was thinking that ifI am representative of the public at large - you're gonna listen to what I say - You're every woman.
- ''It's all in me.
'' - (Olly chuckles) Something like that.
- It's, er, it's a song, Hugh.
- Yeah, I know.
- So, Mary, the policy we were talking about - Great policy.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, really good, well done.
- We were wondering - I was thinking about it afterwards.
And if those extra classes, you know, the drama and the music and the art classes, if they have them after school it saves the potentially naughty children from missing out on the core curriculum.
- That's important.
- (Olly) That's a good angle.
And also it would be, I think, a really welcome breathing space for some of the single parents, like me.
(Hugh) Yes.
(Olly) Excellent.
I thought of a name for it.
I thought you could call it Play For Tomorrow.
(Olly) Play For Tomorrow.
Yeah, excellent.
Thank you so much for coming in, and good luck with the single mother thing.
- Thank you.
- (Olly) I'll be right Erm I'll see you in a bit, Glenn.
- And you're against it? - It'll die on its arse.
''My Grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo.
''What are you gonna do about it?'' ''Teach him the bassoon.
'' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
But you think it's got legs, Hugh? - Several.
- How did it play with the focus groups? - She loves it.
- Sorry? (Olly) They absolutely love it.
You've got 94% approve/strongly approve rating.
That's enormous.
- Why did you say ''she''? - I don't know.
- You can call boats she.
- 94%.
It's all there, black and white.
It's difficult to argue with that, Glenn, whatever your foul-mouthed mother might have said.
Yes, I can feel a stiffy in the post.
- My guts still say no.
- Substantial as they are, they're outvoted.
- I'll talk to Tom about green-lighting this.
- So that's a go, Terri.
Just, erm, put the smell out, see ifanybodygags on it.
Justjust float it.
- OK, er - Problem? Can we please try and stop making policy on the hoof? We've been on the hoof and we have been too hoofy.
- Have we? - if there could just be some sitting down.
- Yeah.
- Just, you know, sitting down.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
We've got the chairs, we should use them.
- I think so.
That was it.
- OK.
Is that it? - That's the problem.
No more.
- Problem solved.
Good point.
- I'll go and float.
- OK.
- Face up? - If you like, yep.
(Malcolm) See you, Terri.
Malcolm, I know you were keen on Terri's appointment but - She's shit.
- I wouldn't go that far.
She's a box-ticker, Hugh.
She can't think outside the box.
She's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.
- Exactly.
I like that.
- Sorry, I'm so tired.
- No, that's good.
- I have so much stuff to read and think about.
- You seem to get through it all right.
- Yeah, I find the time, somewhere.
Do you get lonely? - No.
- No.
Neither do I.
- So did you watch the Zeitgeist tape? - Some of it, yeah.
So you know your EastEnders? Little Mo, Big Mo? - (Imitates EastEnders drums, gets it wrong) - What? - I haven't watched it, no.
- What the fuck are you playing at? Are you playing at being a minister or are you a real-life fucking minister? I am a real-life minister.
- I've never seen headlines like it.
- In what way? - It's all gone to shite.
- Oh, the papers didn't like the policy? They fucking loathe it.
Are you getting all this, Hugh? Yes, you're very clear.
- (Terri) Do they all hate it? The Times? - Especially the Times.
(Hugh) But the first editions haven't gone to bed yet.
- How do you know.
? - Because I'm connected.
I'm plugged into the matrix.
I am the fucking matrix.
- Whatwhat Sorry.
? - Have you not watched that tape? I'm taking it home now to watch it there.
We've just bought a new video player off the back of Alicia's obsession with Pingu.
- OK, pay attention.
- I've heard of Pingu.
This arts policy is dead, OK? As ofnow.
Get a press release together and bung it in the oven.
Fuck off, the lot ofyou.
And, Hugh, watch that tape.
I was in the Blackwall Tunnel, can you repeat all that.
? These focus groups, they're absolutely useless.
Oh, it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? Before we formulate policy? Look, people either don't know what they think or they think you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens.
Or they just think what every right-minded person would think.
Oh, yeah, ''I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else ''cos I'm a normal bloke and everybody thinks like me ''cos I work in IT, and every weekend I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJing, ''spare cash cos I'm a single mum, and I'm in the National Trust, ''I enjoy sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth.
''I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fuckingkaraoke.
'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn.
People can surprise you.
Was that good-natured joshing? - (Mobile rings) - (Sighs) - Tucker.
- Malcolm, erhope I didn't wake you up.
(Spits) Hewitt.
Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups, it's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster.
I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing - without focus groups.
- I'm shaking with fear.
- Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy.
- You're so witty.
Pity none of it makes it into your columns.
Listen, I'd love to spend the evening listening to you but I've got better things to do.
Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat.
- (Mobile rings) - Hello.
- Hugh, it's Terri.
- Yeah, hello.
- Sorry, I've woken you up.
- I wasn't asleep.
I just got dropped off and I'm being picked up again in three hours so I kept my trousers on.
Listen, I've just heard that Simon Hewitt's doing another piece on you about how you rely on focus groups.
- Oh, cock.
- (Yawning) Look, I'll be on it in the morning - so don't lose any sleep over it.
- Are you taking the piss? - Erm, no.
- Sorry, I've got to go.
I've got an egg on.
(Yawning) See you in the morning.
- Bye-bye.
- Night, Hugh.
Bye.
Bitch.
How fucked am I? Well, you look awful.
You quite often look bad, but In terms of negative publicity.
On the fuckometer, where am I? - Oh, 12.
- (Olly) Yeah.
- 12, say.
- Out ofwhat? - Er50.
- Oh.
Mine was out of ten.
Right, so I'm24% fucked according to you but according to you I'm 120% fucked.
(Olly) Erm, yeah.
I didn't - Terri, have you got anything? - I can't ask them to drop the piece, - it would make us look pathetic.
- I don't mean to come across all Mr Gradgrind but this is your job, sorting out the press.
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway, it's him that spun that All right, this is what we're gonna do.
I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Heaney to this afternoon.
- (Glenn) Morning, Malcolm.
- It goes out tomorrow morning.
That way we can get our side of the story across and piss all over Simon Hewitt's cornflakes, sadly only metaphorically.
Yeah? Right, OK.
Olly, call Heaney.
Terri, get on to her editor.
Glenn, book her room.
Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
At times of stress, I make jokes! (Hugh) Right.
Erm What do I do? Sit down at the TV with me.
You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
(# Theme from The Bill) (Woman) You don't seem to be able to understand - Shit.
- I know, but people watch it.
- This gets six million.
- Oh, shit.
What? - She's an actress.
- Who? Mary from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter.
If focus groups are short of numbers they bung in a couple of actors.
It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, group.
(Man) I need to think.
I'll call you.
Ooh, I've just remembered.
Erm - Can you just - I'll pause it.
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be I'll be back in a sec.
- (Whispers) Glenn, got a bit ofa problem.
- What? You remember Mary from the focus group? What, Miss Immaculate bloody Conception? - She's an actress.
- What do you mean? I mean that she's There's no clearer way of saying it - she's an actress.
- Are you sure? - I've just seen her in The fucking Bill.
Oh, Jesus.
This doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
It does.
It means she's not really a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she's just playing a part.
- So, what she said wasn't, you know - Yes, I do know.
- What? Who said what? What? - We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people, they're fucking actors, - so they're not technically people at all.
- Can I get back to you? Your fucking legend is a fucking actress.
Focus group companies do it all the time.
if they can't cobble together the right cross-section, they call a casting agency.
Dial an opinion, is it? Send me three liberals, two mavericks - and a racist.
Brilliant! - (Terri) Shh.
(Whispering) We've based the whole thing on her.
Just her! Her alone! Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me? (Whispering) Shit.
Shit.
(Olly and Glenn whispering argumentatively) (Olly) It's not real.
(Terri) I thought I recognised her.
She was in Midsomer Murders.
(Olly) Why didn't you say anything? (Terri) I thought she might've had a twin.
(Olly) What a stupid thing to (Whispered arguing continues, indistinct) (Shouting) Fuck! Fuck! (Banging and crashing) (Malcolm) You said ''she''.
(Hugh) Yes.
- Come out of the cupboard, Hugh.
- No.
Hugh, we have to sort this out.
- When I asked you about the focus group - Yeah.
.
.
you said ''she'' loved it.
We gave her a one-on-one.
Why? She's Middle England.
So, Middle England is a big fucking field with one woman standing in it? Do you think Hewitt will find out? Of course he fucking will, she's his mole! That's why he's got a piece in the paper tomorrow.
We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney.
It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way we want it before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle.
- Get onto it, now.
- Yeah It was Olly's, erm - It's not my fault.
- It was Olly's idea.
- I went with it.
- The agency lied to us, Hugh.
- The agency lied to me.
- I fought for going with it.
- (Hugh) We should get her in.
- Get on to Heaney's editor.
- I'm on to it, Malcolm.
- Talk to Angela, get her to do this.
- Right, OK.
- Can I speak to Angela Heaney? - (Terri) Can I leave a message? - Malcolm, may I just suggest Shh! - I didn't know that she's an actress.
- Exactly.
We've been lied to, abused.
- We are the victims of abuse.
- (Terri) Olly.
- Shut up.
- Can you call her? - You are a broken vase.
- What the fuck are you talking about? How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television.
That's why you gave me the stupid tape.
(Sighs) We're gonna get her in, talk to her, she'll meet us, we'll I will talk to her because I'm good with people.
She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
I hope so, I hope that's what happens.
- Or we kill her.
- It will (Malcolm) Make him look presentable.
(Olly) I've got a big story.
- Comb his hair, change his tie and his shirt.
- No, it's fine, don't worry about it.
(Malcolm) You're looking evening television, I want you to look afternoon.
(Malcolm) What do you want me to wear, a fucking Hawaiian shirt? - (Terri) Shall we see if you've got one? - No, she can't have a car.
Just don't fucking mother me, OK? Iit'sI'm not so much mothering, it's justwanting to help.
Are we getting herMary Can we get her in tonight? - Won't that look a bit odd? - Does anyone have her number? - I've got a number for the agency.
- Get on to the agency.
(Glenn) It's all right.
(Terri) It's not, actually.
Mary, you know Hugh.
You've met Glenn before.
This is Malcolm Tucker, he's our director of communications.
- (Hugh) Take a seat, Mary.
- Thanks.
We are so grateful for you coming in at this ungodly hour.
- Is therea problem? - Yeah, there is - you flapping your trap! The issues isthe issue of your being an actress.
Right.
- I actually prefer actor.
- I'm sorry.
Sexist, sorry.
- Slightly, yeah.
- Essentially, you know, what you told us, that was fundamentallyhonest, it was the truth, - it was honestlygenuinely what you thought.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I haven't got two children, but apart from that it was essentially - Most Yes, of course - (Hugh) You invented the kids? - I Yeah, I was - You made up small children? - I know small children.
- That's sick.
- Jesus Christ.
- I was just being representative.
- You invented children.
- (Coughs) - Small children that don't exist.
- I was giving you what you wanted.
So, eventually you lose track, the lies compound themselves and you end up all over the place like a crazy woman's shit.
And that's the problem that we're now trying to deal with.
We've given this story to a tame journalist, one who's more likely to be sympathetic Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? You are gonna find the press all over you - In a good way? - No, not at all.
- You know that film Notting Hill? - She's probably fucking in it.
You know that bit where he opens the door and there's millions of journalists and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours, that's gonna be you.
They're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
- It's OK.
- No, no, no, no, no, it's not OK.
It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why.
Because you're fair game.
So I hope your knickers are clean.
Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a by-line is gonna be questioning you.
Cos now it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks! - (Olly) We-we've done - I still don't understand what's going on.
- We can hold those dogs back.
- (Mary) What do you mean? - We can get you a nice journalist.
- Yes, exactly.
We can get you to a nice, young journalist, Angela Heaney, and maybe you I don't know what he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit.
Maybe if you just say that you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick.
- If you just said that - Who? - The journalist that you told your story to.
- II didn'tI didn't talk to any journalist.
- No, no, no.
- You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
- No, I - You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny dick the size of a bookie's biro.
- You fucking spoke to him.
- I'd like to go now.
(All shouting) - (Glenn) Shh-shh! - You didn't speak to him.
- She didn't fucking speak to him.
- I don't know anyone calledSimon - whatever the fuck.
- Hewitt.
- Hewitt, yeah.
- (Malcolm yells) - She doesn't even know.
- (Malcolm yells) (Glenn) Fuck's sake.
(Mary) What's the matter with him? (Glenn) Olly.
(Hugh) Sorry if I upset you.
Sorry, darling, sorry.
Crossed lines, darling.
Sorry about that.
- (Mary) Will you leave me alone? - If you need a car, I'll get whatever you need.
For fuck's sake! - She didn't even know.
- (Malcolm) Fuck him! That didn't really work, did it? - (Glenn) Is it too late - Can I get this straight for my own sanity? If we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? - No.
It's too late.
- Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway? Of course it fucking is.
I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? All right, that's it.
I'm going to bed.
- Kind of ironic, really - You're fucking on your own! .
.
because she hasn't actually spoken to Hewitt, erand we've of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the press unnecessarily.
Erm Damn.
- (Mary) Who was that evil Scottish guy? - He's the director ofcommunications.
He was ordering me what to say to the papers.
- No, no, no, he wasn't ordering you.
- That's quite a big story, dragging me out of bed and telling me I think some papers might be interested in that.
No, look The department has a lot of initiatives coming up - Right.
Right.
Has it really? - Yeah.
And we're going to need the face of urban renewal for thething, a whole campaign, there's gonna be stationery, pens Face probably won't fit on - We've got all that coming up.
- You are trying to bribe me with a stationery photo shoot? Er, no, erm None of this is happening.
No, not bribe, no.
(Olly) That was just small talk.
You understand that, right? I was just chatting.
Small chat.
Can you wake me in a couple of hours? There's no time to go home, I'll pass myself coming back in.
(Hugh sighs) I'll ring Catherine and say you won't be home.
Hi.
How did you get on? Happiness? Go away, Terri.
I'll clear up a few biscuits whilst I'm at it.
(Glenn) Kate, just leaving a message for you - I know you're asleep by now - from Hugh.
Love to the kids, see Alicia in the morning and, ermbig kiss and sorry about the bedtime story.