The Tick (1994) s01e02 Episode Script

[Buzzer.]
[Man scats.]
[Tick.]
Ha-hup! So, uh How much longer do we do this? Well, we're on patrol.
So we patrol till something happens.
A crime or something.
Ho! I mean, we've been at this [pants.]
for hours.
What if nothing happens? We're superheroes.
Something always happens! [Alarm.]
A-ha! [Crash.]
That school bell's givin' me a headache.
- Let's get outta here.
- Not so fast, naughty spawn! I say to you, stop your evil ways.
You face the Tick! [Guffawing.]
Big blue jerk! He's gonna ruin everything.
Look, you can play pajama-police all you want.
But we run this town, bug-boy! [cackles.]
- Hmm - [cackling.]
No one likes to be laughed at, friend.
Zipper Neck, show him your stuff.
Hey! Look at this.
Argh! Unsightly.
So that's the way you want it, huh? - Oh! - [Ruckus below.]
OK.
OK! OK Ahem! I, uh - Who are you? - I'm the, uh sidekick.
OK.
Boils, kick him to the side.
Now look what you made me do! Not so funny, is it? Gad, my melon! I don't think we're past the point of discussion.
[Laughter.]
[Laughs.]
[Cackles.]
Hey, Forehead! How's your parole officer? American Maid? Oh, man! Help! - Are you all right? - Yes.
Thank you.
Ah, American Maid! Good of you to join us in another victory over the forces of evil.
Listen, you blue goon.
You ruined a night's work! Careful.
These things are sensitive.
Ow! I was following them! They would have led me to the criminal mastermind behind their wicked scheme.
But you two screwed that up.
Hey, what's this? "Happy birthday to me.
" "You are invited to a party for the world's greatest criminal mastermind.
" "Gift required.
Come see me commit the most daring, spectacular crime of this or any other century.
" Cool.
The crime of the century! I should have known.
Chairface Chippendale! Chairface? He's too powerful for me to take on alone.
I'm going to need some help.
Ahem! Oh, all right.
I guess I could do a lot worse.
Neat! OK.
Now here's the plan Hey, Hooks! I still think there's too much green.
I told you, it's a motif! Ah, the Forehead.
Un where is your partners in crime? Uh, they got nabbed.
But I got the goods.
Ach, don't go shaking those! How can you have such a big head un such a tiny brain? Herr Chippendale, we have the lenses.
The Geissman lenses! Let's take a closer look at them, shall we? Ach, Herr Chippendale! They are so beautiful! Ohhh! Hey, watch it with that thing, will ya? Ja, these babies can really burn.
When properly arranged, they can focus the light of a single candle into a heat-ray of unparalleled range and power.
Yes.
A ray from these lenses could cut a skyscraper in half or worse.
It's just what I need to complete my super-weapon.
Now I ask you, is that a birthday present or what? [Evil laugh.]
[Splashing footsteps.]
What's keeping American Maid? She said she'd meet us at five.
[Tick.]
Hey, it's The Sewer Urchin! - Yeah.
- How are you today? Very poisonous.
Don't touch me.
[Laughs.]
Who'd want to? Yeah.
So, you guys got any super-action goin' on up here? Yeah, any supervillains you need a hand with? - Anything like that goin' on? - Yeah! We're gonna stop the crime of the ce - [sniffs.]
- Uh, yes.
Lxnay on the anplay, OK? No, no, it's pretty quiet up here.
See you later, Sewer Urchin.
Yeah, right! Get in, boys.
Here.
Put these on.
We're gonna sneak into Chairface's party as caterers.
The Tick caters to no man! Ow! - Tick, work with me here, will you? - OK.
[Tick.]
Mm! These little crêpe things are great.
Do you like them? They're my own recipe.
Now listen, we're about to crash a party for one of the world's most dangerous criminal masterminds.
[American Maid.]
The guest list will read like America's Most Wanted.
The Crease.
Harriet Curse.
Headless Henderson.
The Guy With Ears Like Little Raisins.
Sheila Eel.
The Deadly Nose.
Jack Tuber, Man Of A Thousand Faces.
Eyebrows Mulligan.
Yes, it's a spectacularly ugly menagerie of career wrongdoers.
And there, at the top of this grotesque sundae the rottenest cherry of them all, Chairface Chippendale! Oh! Diamonds.
How original.
More gifts! Happy birthday, Chairface.
I hope you like it.
He's Dean, my best henchman.
He has the strongest hands in the criminal world.
Oh, I like him! OK, you guys work the crowd.
I'll get close to Chairface and try and figure out what his plan is.
[Growling.]
Would anyone care for a Hey! Where did you people grow up? Your weapon is ready, Herr Chippendale.
Happy birthday! - Hors d'oeuvres, Mr.
Chippendale? - I know that face.
Try one of these crab things.
They're great! You are paid to serve, oaf.
Not critique! Oh, I think you'll like these.
- [Spluttering.]
- Tick! What are you doing? - Anyone care for a fruit cocktail? - Hey! You're American Maid! Man, she's good! Oh, hors d'oeuvres and a floorshow! How can we ever thank you? Wait! I have an idea.
Just relax.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Don't worry.
I'll snap this steel cable like pasta! [Strains.]
Tick, you're crushing us! Oh.
Sorry.
So, another birthday present.
Superheroes! This must be the part where I reveal my sinister plot.
Allow me to unveil my new birthday toy.
The awesome Geissman heat ray! With this lovely new weapon, I, Chairface Chippendale, will commit the ultimate act of vandalism.
I will write my name across the face of the moon! [Evil laugh.]
[All.]
You'll never get away with it, Chippendale! Unfortunately, you three won't be around to witness my historic signature.
Because I'm going to feed you to my pit of ferocious man-eating alligators! [Arthur.]
What? What?! What? Ahem! Standard villain procedure.
You entered my house as caterers and you will leave it as the main course! [Gasping.]
[Arthur.]
You jerk! I really, really don't want to be eaten.
Then swing! - What? - Swing with me, Arthur.
[Swing band plays.]
That's it, American Maid! Everybody swing! OK now.
Now we'll need a hand.
Didn't expect a clip-on, did ya? Ha-ha! I want a pony.
[Wolf howls.]
[All.]
Happy birthday, Chairface! I haven't always had friends like you.
Because I was born different.
Because I didn't fit in, society shunned me.
All my life the world has tried to forget my face.
But after tonight, they will never forget my name! Professor Chromedome, prepare to fire! Ready when you are, Herr Chippendale! Un you see? New batteries even! [Wind whistles.]
We've only got seconds to thwart Chairface's evil plan and bring his villainous crew to justice! [Chairface.]
Gimme a C [all.]
C! It's [chuckles.]
Uh - Gimme an H - H! [Chairface cackles.]
[Cackles.]
Wonderful, wonderful! Yes, but your plan didn't work.
Now let's use my plan.
Brute force! No way! There's too many of them.
We need a diversion.
We don't have time for this.
We've gotta save the moon! Now gimme an A [supervillains.]
A! [Cheering and whistling.]
Chromedome, where's the rest of my A? I'm trying! But there's a malfunction of some sort.
Something in the electrics.
Ahem! Help.
That's Arthur! Well, well.
I assume your friends satisfied my alligators' appetites.
- Not quite! - You! And you can thank my dental hygienist for our untimely aliveness.
Party's over, Chairface! [Triumphant laugh.]
Take that! En garde! Don't you blow your nose at me, mister! [Nasal whine.]
Unsettling trend.
[Chairface gasps.]
You ruined everything, you terrible rabbit person! Mein eyes! I'm momentarily blinded! [Tick strains.]
Ah! Uh, sorry.
Arthur! I've got a plan.
The party's over, Chairface! Would you people stop saying that? Especially when the fun is just beginning! The party's over, Chairface.
Give it up, or we'll write this whole place off the face of the earth.
OK.
[Sirens.]
They'll pay for this, all of them! No prison can hold Chairface Chippendale! [American Maid.]
Well, I have to admit I was worried.
But you guys are pretty good at this.
Yes, it was good saving the moon with you, American Maid.
Drive carefully, now.
A heart of gold beats under that big fiberglass croissant, Arthur.
And thank goodness for it.
It's spirit like hers that allowed us to thwart Chairface's evil scheme.
And thwart we did.
I guess so.
Say, what's that You've got a little some kind of yuck there.