The Tick (2001) s01e02 Episode Script

Death.
The eternal blink.
The capricious dance of
Now-you-stop-moving-forever.
Well, contrary
to popular belief,
death isn't just
for dead people.
It can happen to anyone.
I know.
It was news to me too.
And it's not just people,
either.
It's all kinds of stuff
horses, fiddler crabs
did you know
that even a potato can die?
This man is mad.
What do you mean
he's not on the program?
Crazy, right?
A week ago, I wouldn't have
believed me either,
but a lot can happen
in a week.
Good Lord, the man
stopped a volcano
with a chunk
of polar icecap.
Oh, yeah,
I remember that.
I was at computer camp
that summer,
and they announced it
over the loudspeaker.
I had his
official sleeping bag.
The one with all
the pictures of him on it.
Some kid filled it
with rocks
and dumped it
into Lake Cannepaqui.
Yes, well, that's the sort
of skullduggery
one must expect
at computer camp.
The man is absolutely
indestructible, he flies,
he's got the
Heat vision.
Also I hear
he's gay.
Yeah, Janet, when you pick him
up at the airport,
ask him if he's gay.
I can't tell if you're more
jealous of him,
or me getting
to hang out with him.
The latter.
What I wouldn't give
to be in your sparkly
gold moccasins today,
working side by side
with the legend himself
the Immortal.
I'm not really working
with him, Tick.
I've just been assigned
to escort him
while he visits the city
on his book tour.
Escort.
So, like a call girl, huh?
No, like an authorized
representative of a very
grateful government extending
just a little bit of courtesy
to a man who has saved
the nation
and the world
about 1, 000 times.
Plus, he saved
the moon twice
Three times!
Look at that.
I gotta go.
Wait.
What time does the book
signing start again?
Same time as last time
you asked me. 1700 hours.
Later, boys.
Well, it's 3:00
now. Chisem-bop!
That gives us
1697 hours to kill.
No, it doesn't.
Well, do the math, chum.
1,700 minus 3
Tick, you are not
sidetracking us today.
The last time the Immortal was
in town I waited outside
his hotel for 15 hours
to get his autograph.
He never came out.
Wait, wait, that was,
like, five years ago.
Right. It was snowing.
I got a terrible cold.
No, wait.
Five years ago you were a man
A grown man, an adult man.
Waiting in the snow
like a 10-year-old for
Oh, no, no, no.
This is not
what men do.
Would you leave me alone?
The Immortal is the reason
I wanted to become
a superhero
in the first place.
I'm getting his autograph.
I'm sorry,
but that's just not cool.
Oh, well, who made you
the arbiter of cool?
It's Batmanuel's
divine mission.
You can do nothing
about it.
Batmanuel, am I cool?
TICK:
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help of
some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
So you are a man
after all.
She likes you.
Bachman Turner Overdrive,
look at this!
He once fought a guy who was
made entirely of black holes.
Heavy.
She's still looking.
Why don't you
ask her out?
What?
Do it now, Rabbit Man,
before she gets away,
and you never see her again.
If you trust Batmanuel,
you will listen to him.
This is his area
of expertise.
You trust Batmanuel,
yes?
No.
Oh, my God,
she's coming over here.
Uh
Do you have the time?
Well, we have 1,696 1/2 hours,
little lady.
Pick one.
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
Hello.
Yes, your holiness.
Thank you for getting
back to me so quickly.
Listen, uh, what is the God
angle on this whole thing?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Great. So it's all good.
Right.
Thanks a bunch,
your holiness.
Das vidanya.
Okay, so you have the book
signing from 5:00 to 7:00,
Dinner with the mayor
at 8:00.
Oh, and The Times interview
starts at around
You know, I've been watching
your career very closely,
Captain Liberty.
Oh, you have?
Splendid work.
Splendid!
Really?
The UN has asked me
to put together
an international
league of heroes,
and I think you'd be
perfect for it.
Oh, wow.
That's quite an honor.
Plus, you may just have
the greatest pair of legs
in the whole galaxy.
I live two blocks
from here.
Driver.
You had the perfect
opportunity back there
to meet and eventually couple
with a sweetly scented
daughter of Eve,
yet you hesitated.
Will you drop
it already?
I did drop it,
but it came back again.
Look, Arthur, all I'm saying is,
when it comes to women,
you must
seize the day.
Batmanuel.
What?
No, s-slow down, Janet.
You what?
You killed The Immortal?
I didn't. I just
He seemed so
And we were
And then sex
And then he
died.
No, no, no, no,
Janet, we don't need this.
L-look, the situation
isn't hopeless, huh?
Batmanuel is here now.
They're going
to court-martial me for this.
I'm going to lose my job,
and then I'm going
to go down in history
as the woman who
killed The Immortal.
Oh, my God,
how could this happen?
Come now, Janet,
this is simply
a hero dying in the saddle.
It's a story as old
as the hills.
Don't blame yourself,
even if others do.
Not helping!
Okay, don't worry.
Look, we'll just drop his body
in the river or something,
and no one
will be the wiser.
What happened to your hair?
He has heat vision.
He had heat vision.
When he got excited,
he would
Oh, wow.
Whoa, there's
some cool for you.
You're The Immortal.
You can't die.
Oh, I really blew it,
didn't I?
Yes, yes!
There's the Janet
we all know and
And, yes.
No!
Okay, we're losing
Arthur now. Tick, come on.
Right. I'm on it.
All right,
let's forget the river.
What hotel was
he staying at?
The Worcester
Then that's where
we'll leave him, all right?
We can't do that! He has to be
at a book signing in, like,
10 minutes!
And when he doesn't show up,
I'm going
to be up crap creek!
My God, there's got to be
something we can
What size are you?
I'm Batmanuel size.
Why?
Oh, we can't
be doing this.
It's disrespectful.
It's it's wrong!
Liberty said we were saving
a hero's image.
Sounds like
right to me.
Right? There's
nothing right, Tick!
The Immortal is de!
The Immortal is dead.
Yes. Well, let's not point
out his shortcomings, chum.
Okay, people, settle down.
We had a couple problems,
but he is here now!
WOMAN:
Where is he?
BATMANUEL: Janet, no,
I'm not doing this.
Oh, come on, you big girl,
you promised me.
That was before
I changed my mind.
This is a crazy
person plan.
Come on!
MAN:
Do you see him?
Fear not,
good people of the city,
for The Immortal is here!
Whoo!
Ha, ha.
This Manuelmobile's
the cat's pajamas.
We got to get one, chum.
Tick, please.
All right,
what's the plan, man?
We got to get hip
to the big sneaky
if we're going
to slip our dead friend
into his hotel room
without being seen.
Shouldn't we, uh, have a moment
of silence or something?
Okey-doke
Here's what
I don't get, chum.
The Immortal talks
about the hardships
of growing up poor
and dyslexic.
He lists all the incredible
things that he's done,
and yet nowhere in his book
does he mention the fact
that he's dead.
What are you talking about?
He just died.
Huh?
That's what happens, Tick.
One minute you're alive,
you're a hero
to the whole world,
a hero to me.
The next
Poof, you're dead.
Oh, come on, chum.
You make it sound like
it can happen to anybody.
Well, who do you think
it happens to?
Well, you know, dead people.
Everybody dies, Tick.
Everybody?
Even horses?
Yes. Horses, everybody.
Everybody?
You're positive?
This comes as quite
a shock. Cats?
Yes.
You?
I'd better sit down.
Hold this
for a second, chum.
Ooh!
Uh, could you make it out
"To Kevin, my number one Fan"?
Surely.
Awesome.
Thanks.
Oh, it is so awesome
to meet you in person.
When did you grow a goatee?
All right, people, let's
just keep that line moving.
I'm going to grow a goatee.
You know, you should
soak it up while you can.
It's the closest
you're ever going to get
to being a real hero.
Please. I'm a better hero
than The Immortal.
I slept with you
lots of times.
I never died.
Now, Liberty said room 406.
It's probably that one
with the balcony.
He'd have balcony,
don't you think?
What difference
does it make?
I could throw him
that far.
What does she expect us to do?
You think they're
not going to notice
a dead superhero being dragged
through their lobby?
Oh, God, they're going to put us
away for this, aren't they?
We're going to be on the news.
Oh, yeah.
I could do this.
Tick, no!
We have a plan B?
There you go.
Thank you.
Happy reading, huh?
It's a subpoena, sir.
Your paternity hearing
is in a week.
Good day.
Paternity?
No, no, no, I settled
that out of court.
Oh, it's not for me,
it's forme,
The
Paternity hearing?
No, this has gotta
be a mistake.
The Immortal
would never
Sleep around?
No!
Oh, Janet, please.
Are you that naive?
Oh, you're not really
having an attack of
"I thought I was the
only ones," are you?
Come on. The man
was a celebrity.
Just once, I would like to meet
a man who is nice and funny
and superhuman someone who's
exactly who they say they are.
Well, look no further.
Ooh, there they are.
Potatoes?
Potatoes too?
A potato can die?
Yes, Tick, even potatoes.
Ludicrous.
All done, good Captain.
Great.
We may actually pull this off.
Did anybody see you?
No, nobody,
and we took side streets
all the way
back uptown.
You mean all the way
back downtown.
Tell me you didn't leave him
at the downtown Worcester.
Yep, and it couldn't
have gone smoother.
Here's your fancy blanket back,
and you might want
to get this washed.
Uptown!
What?
He is staying
at the uptown Worcester.
You're going to get us thrown
into jail, you dinks.
Well, you didn't
say which one.
Yes, I did.
Now you go back there
and you get him.
Go back?
No way.
I had to fake an epileptic
seizure in the lobby.
It was horrible.
Oh, no, chum,
you were great.
Go now.
Do it!
Some guy jammed his
wallet into my mouth.
I can still taste it.
Please.
Fine.
Put me down.
So who do you think
would win in a fight
You or the Hulk?
Ugh!
Eww!
All stiff and still.
Sorry.
WOMAN:
Hello?
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Aah!
Aah!
No moleste!
No moleste!
Aah!
Aah!
Never said uptown.
Yaah!
Oh! Jeez!
It's farther
than it looks.
Good thing
this fella's invulnerable,
or we would have had
a real mess on our hands.
Well, just for kicks,
let's look
at the word "funeral"
for a moment.
Starts with the word
"fun," doesn't it?
And all I see out there
are a bunch of sad faces.
Well, the Grim Reaper's an ugly
customer, I'll grant you that,
but you know who's worse?
It's Mr. Mope.
I'm saying to you,
watch out, folks,
'cause old Mr. Mope's
got you all wrapped up
in the wet blanket
of his mopey.
Gaah!
How you hanging
in there, chum?
How am I hanging
in there?
How do you think?
Everything
is upside down.
There is no order
to the universe.
How can I be a superhero
in a world where.
The Immortal can die?
He was The Immortal.
I'm I'm
I'm just hypoglycemic.
What chance can I possibly have?
Well, boy howdy, have you got
some serious bucking up to do.
"What chance do I have?"
Life is your chance, Arthur.
Grab it.
Squeeze the milk of life
into your dirty glass
and drink it warm.
I'll tell you what.
If death does happen
to everybody, then I submit
And follow me here if you can,
'cause this gets wiggy
I submit the very presence
of death is what makes life
all the more precious.
Oh, yeah,
that's brand new.
Well
Hey, hey, that's not the way
to treat the Manuelmobile.
Kid gloves, Arthur.
Oh, get in the car,
you big girl. I'm driving.
What is he doing
in the back seat?
Do you want
to get caught?
Have you never
heard of a trunk?
I tried that, but he doesn't
fold up so easy anymore.
Ack.
Ohh!
You know,
if you'd asked out the girl
from the Panda
when I told you,
you'd be on a date right now
instead of driving around
in the makeshift hearse
of your childhood hero.
Just something to think
about for next time.
Oh, no, no, no!
Come on!
The police guys.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
We're dead.
BATMANUEL:
Janet, calm down.
Let The Immortal
do the talking.
Excuse me, ma'am.
That was weird.
So this is how
you handle things, huh?
Shut up.
Arthur, stay here
with the body.
We gotta go check
this out.
Come on.
Come on!
Gah!
Crazy day, huh?
Oh, God!
Why Why are you
doing this to me?
What do you want?
The Tick was right,
Arthur.
You got to grab on
to life while you can.
No.
No, I'm not hearing this.
You're dead.
True. You're going
to die someday too, Arthur.
Maybe tomorrow,
maybe years from now.
Since you don't know
when it'll be,
you've just got
to seize the day.
Okay.
Okay, coast is clear.
Manuel, you go
to the front desk.
The sight of The Immortal
checking in should be enough
of a distraction
to get us through the lobby.
Arthur, you keep
the motor running.
You're on getaway.
Getaway!
You lucky duck.
Oh, God!
Excuse me!
Look I'll probably
be arrested soon,
and then, of course,
I'll be dead,
but before all that happens,
I just wanted to say
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, this looks just like
the room at the other place.
Could have left him there.
He wouldn't have
known the difference.
Incredible. Yes.
Can we get away from
the dead person now
before we're all
arrested forever?
Good heavens, all we did was
give a dead guy a lift.
What's the fuss?
Are you out
of your mind?
My God, Tick,
what planet are you living on?
Planet me.
Planet stupid.
Hey.
Hey, hey. Don't take it
out on the Tick.
He didn't hop into bed
with a national treasure
and kill him
with his pink secrets.
It wasn't my fault!
Well, it wasn't my fault!
Why is everybody yelling?!
I know this isn't a future
thing, I know it's a now thing,
so don't worry.
I have no expectations.
I mean I have
literally none.
But I'd really like
to, uh, to
My friends are waiting.
Right.
Um, before you go,
could I get
My phone number?
Yes.
What what do you
think you're doing?
What?
You're not paying for the room.
What do you care?
I don't.
I care about the fact
you're still
in that costume, stupid.
We have to put it back on him
or it'll look suspicious.
Oh. Fine.
Did you bring my clothes?
Unbelievable.
I cannot wait to go home
and be Batmanuel once more.
Hey, it's those
police guys again.
I knew it.
I knew we wouldn't make it
through this.
God, why didn't I just fess up?
Janet, Janet, relax.
I told you before, I will take
care of everything.
After all,
I am Batmanuel.
Officers, what seems
to be the problem?
Well, this vehicle has
about $8,000
in unpaid
parking violations,
and we are going
to impound her.
Are you Bat-man-u-el?
Batmanuel.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
No, I never
heard of him.
Wow, look at me, babbling like
the brook that knew too much.
The MP's are ready to tackle him
off the stage, sir.
Delay that
for the moment.
I'm starting to like the cut
of this man's gibberish.
We're all gathered here today
to say goodbye
to our dead friend
The Immortal.
So let's do that, shall we?
Bye, Morty.
Hey, now, no one's saying
that death isn't sad.
But it's also
the Mt. Everest of life.
I say when your time comes,
climb it.
Who knows
what wonders may lay
at the icy summit
of Death Mountain?
Might be nice up there.
And think of all the people
that have gone before you.
You may get to shake hands
with some of the greatest minds
in human history.
Then again,
I don't know,
maybe death's just
nature's way of saying,
"Try again."