The Upshaws (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Time to make the magic.
This don't smell like no Midnight Musk.
I done messed around and
grabbed a mosquito candle.
"Nontoxic"? Oh, we good.
Yeah, I'm gonna get sexy for you now.
You think a mechanic don't
know how to get sexy?
Yeah, don't play with me.
Don't play with my love.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[GRUNTS]
I'll get ready for you, baby.
I knocked your toothbrush in the toilet.
I'll get you a new one tomorrow.
Ugh good night.
Hey, babe, you're missing something.
Hmm? Oh, no, no, I smell the candle.
I'll call the exterminator
in the morning.
[SIGHS]
Oh, man.
- [SIGHS]
- [SIGHS] Mmm.
- [SIGHS]
- Mmm. Not tonight, baby.
You said that last night. You mad?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, why would I be mad?
'Cause I'm all revved up.
I can get it down to ten minutes.
- Ten minutes?
- Yeah.
Oh, now you want to go twice?
Baby, I worked a double, okay?
I took two kids to three practices,
checked homework, redid homework,
and I had to plan for
Kelvin's weekly dinner.
Man, the boy only eats three things.
How much planning did you have to do?
Ask me again if I'm mad.
- All right. Maybe tomorrow.
- Okay.
[REGINA SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[BUZZING]
[BUZZING]
[CONTINUES BUZZING]
- [SCREAMS]
- What the
You had a mosquito on your ass.
And if you liked it, there
could be another one.
[VOCALIZING]
Solid as a rock ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Solid ♪
- Lookie here.
- Whoa, ho, ho!
Whoa, Bennie, what you
doing here already?
Y'all wanna start some shit?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Bennie Upshaw, on time and irritable?
Ooh, looks like someone woke up
on the alone side of
the bed this morning.
[DUCK] Oh, come on now.
You can't question the
intimacy of a couple.
The marital bed is sacred.
You are hitting it though, right?
Yeah, I've taken a few swings, but
Regina got a nasty curve lately.
Is it a medical thing? She all right?
She need some soup?
No, it ain't medical. She's just tired.
Tired means mad.
Whole lot of tired women on death row.
Yeah, well, Regina better get a Red Bull
'cause she's on some bullshit.
Listen, you're not the first
couple to run into a dry spell.
That's why the Bible
has plenty of Scriptures
to help you get through it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Like Ephesians, chapter five, verse 22.
"Wives should submit to their
own husbands as to the Lord "
Okay, right there. Stop right
there 'cause I need to text this.
You said Egyptians 59 through
No. I said Ephesians,
but you ain't let me get to the part
of what the husband should do.
I got the part the husband should do,
she's just not letting me do it.
Please try that "wives
submit" shit with Regina.
Maybe that'll finally be the thing
to make her smite your ass.
At least she'd be touching it.
Lucretia, what's your suggestion?
I mean, you know Regina
a little bit better than me.
It's not about Regina, it's about women.
I do not need sex advice from
the world's angriest raisin.
Uh, I do.
First of all, Bennie,
I'm gonna let that slide
'cause I know you're all backed up.
Second, seduction is not
just for the bedroom.
Y'all think y'all doing us
some favor with foreplay,
but what you ought to be
doing is "before play."
Brush your teeth in the
morning before you kiss her.
Tell her she's pretty
without cupping her ass.
And wash your hands.
Don't sit there picking your dirty
nail with your other dirty nail.
That's just dirty.
Well, it can't be that easy.
We're not that complicated,
but, hey, you know, do you.
Enjoy that me time with your Jergens.
My girlfriend don't let me have me time.
You're sharing too much.
Excuse me? I got a call
my Nissan was ready.
Oh, yeah. I can help you over here.
Damn, she's fine. Oops.
I just want to pay off
her student loans.
So, we fixed the fuel injection
so it wouldn't ride as rough.
Hmm, too bad.
Dating scene's been a little dry lately.
I kind of liked the vibrations.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
And you came in under the estimate, too.
I had a lot of pent-up energy.
Didn't need as many
man-hours as I thought.
Well, I would love a
chance to make us even.
I manage a restaurant on
Illinois Street, Chez Cocu.
Why don't you come by tonight?
Drop my name, they'll take care of you.
Cool.
Hey, player, player.
Oh, yeah, you still got
that player gene, player.
- Look at you, I see you.
- [BENNIE MUTTERS]
What are you talking about?
A woman can't be grateful?
Not when she looks that good. [CHUCKLES]
She was giving me the hookup.
Yo. Chez Cocu, that's one of
the nicest places in the city.
- Yep.
- How do you know that?
I robbed it once.
That was back in my heathen days.
I don't do that type of stuff no more.
Yeah, fellas, I wish I could.
I got Kelvin tonight.
[GRUNTS] Kelvin will be with
you the rest of your life.
Your prostate won't.
You take Regina.
Yeah, Regina would love that.
She can put on that red dress she got.
I mean, she would sleep with him after.
Yeah, we having the same conversation.
So, you guys really, really think
that she'll give me some if I
take her to that restaurant?
I heard the crab cakes cost $40.
If she don't give you some,
take me. Shit, I will.
Yeah, man, Regina needs this night out.
She gets real freaky when it
comes to that thank-you sex.
Yeah, she's a good woman.
Well, then, Kelvin won't be
mad if I push one dinner.
Dinner ain't nothing but
food you eat at night.
The boy will understand.
Yeah, how can I be a good father
if I'm tense all the time?
- My father was tense. He dead.
- Yep.
Bailing on my son for sex with my wife
is really the only decent thing to do.
- There you go.
- Amen.
Father of the year, right here.
Told you he'd know what to do.
I was on the phone and Maya
wouldn't stop bothering me
- and then she was like
- [BOTH CLAMORING]
Pause!
For the next ten minutes,
y'all are orphans.
Sorry for your loss, goodbye.
What's the one thing you most
want to do in the world tonight?
Mmm
Climb into a warm bubble bath
while Idris Elba cooks dinner.
[CHUCKLES] You know they say
I'm the Idris Elba of Indiana.
That's that opioid crisis talking.
Oh, you're gonna wish
you hadn't said that
when I tell you that I'm gonna
take you to Chez Cocu's tonight.
[LAUGHS]
To do what? Eat my baked
chicken in the parking lot?
Oh, you deserve a night out.
It's my way of thanking
you for welcoming Kelvin.
It really means a lot to me, Regina.
- Thank you, baby.
- Yeah.
But he's gonna be here in an hour.
I'll push it.
- Who's gonna watch the girls?
- I called Duck.
Why? He knows a good babysitter?
Duck's a good babysitter.
He been locked up for seven years,
and if anybody knows how to
institute a lockdown, it'll be Duck.
[CHUCKLES] All right, fine.
Who am I to turn down some lamb chops?
Oh, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
Get the lamb chop Oh, who is that?
[DOOR OPENS]
Got a hot date, ain't got time to argue.
Go on, Kelvin. Go on, sit down.
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
We ain't going.
No, no, we going out. Let me handle it.
Regina.
Tasha.
Now, look, Tasha, you can't
be showing up an hour early.
You gotta give us a chance
to cancel your ass.
The plan was to have
dinner with your son.
Yeah, but I'm taking
Regina out to dinner.
- Oh, is it her birthday?
- No.
- Y'all's anniversary?
- No.
Then it's just Wednesday.
Wednesday's when you said
you'd let Kelvin be here
and hang out with your family.
He's gonna be with his sisters.
That's his family.
- You know what? I can't Oh.
- [CAR HONKS]
You know what? Good enough. Ha!
'Cause I got me an assistant
Costco manager in the car
with a half tray of Hawaiian rolls
that nobody sampled yet. [CHUCKLES]
We got shit to do, 'scuse me.
Yeah, we was gonna eat together,
but we got new plans.
That's cool. You got the NBA package.
We do?
Yeah, I bought it last time I was here.
I just threw a little something on.
Forget the table. I ought
to be eating off of you.
Well, thank
- Hey, Kelvin. [CHUCKLES]
- Hey.
Oh, this is you handling it, huh, baby?
Oh, Duck Duck is big,
he can handle three kids.
We're hungry. When's dinner?
Change of plans. We're going out.
Cool. We never go out.
And you're still not.
I mean, me and your mom. Here. Look.
You guys get yourself some pizza.
Okay? Be nice to each other.
Kelvin, you're the man of the house.
- Yes, sir.
- Call if you need anything.
And remember
Don't open the door for Republicans.
I gotta stop watching
Maddow in front of y'all.
All right, forget the pizza.
I say we pocket this
and call it a night.
And then we starve?
They got a room full of food,
genius. It's called a kitchen.
That food's, like, raw.
Don't have cooking in
the rich part of town?
Who you calling rich?
Okay. What kind of pasta
sauce does your mom use?
I don't know. Ragu?
In a jar? [CHUCKLES] Yeah, y'all rich.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Bennie, this place is
way too nice for us.
Are you looking at these prices?
Our babies need shoes.
Baby, relax. I got the hookup.
Enjoy yourself. Let the night take you.
Now, who the hell you know
got you a hook-up in here?
Let's just say I'm hanging with
a better class of people now.
Well, how come they never
show up at my house?
All right, now before I dive
too deep into this menu,
and I'm not gonna be mad
What?
I need you to look me in my eyes
and tell me that this is legit.
An amuse-bouche to start you off.
Ooh, shit, look at these little spoons!
They're so cute, I want that.
[SLURPS] Oh, I'm about
to take yours, too.
[MOANING]
What was that?
So, I notice you wear yellow a lot.
Uh-huh.
That your favorite color or something?
Yeah, sometimes.
That's what's up.
Is this weird?
Yes. I don't know you like that.
I've been staring at these
eggs hoping you'd leave.
Well, this is my kitchen and I
wanted pizza, so that's on you.
Where'd you learn how to do that?
Well, my mom works, so I had
to teach myself how to cook.
Why? You impressed?
I mean, it was okay.
Do it again.
There's a man in the window!
There's a man in the window!
- What?
- [KELVIN] I got this.
- I'm calling Mom.
- Now he's there!
Duck? What the hell, man?
Your dad told me to watch
you, so I was watching you.
You're supposed to do
that from the inside.
Yeah, I ain't know if
y'all knew who I was.
I ain't mean to creep you out.
Oh, by the way, Maya, you have
a beautiful singing voice.
[LAUGHS]
I was under that bed
all night. [CHUCKLES]
When I told you to hide, I didn't
think you'd pick my mama's bed.
I tried the closet. Too many
church hats in there.
[LAUGHS]
And she needed every
one, bless her heart.
I mean, come on, she could not
be sitting in that front pew
flashing a bald spot.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, man, I almost died under that bed.
- [REGINA CHUCKLES]
- You know, your mama's not small.
Don't talk about my mama.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh. Oof.
If I get any more bloated, this
dress is just gonna pop right off.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [REGINA] Mmm.
That sounded sexier in my head.
[CHUCKLES]
You can hit it later.
- But first I gotta hit the restroom.
- Mmm.
Hey, take your purse
'cause they got a basket
full of toothbrushes,
baby wipes, all kinds of stuff in there.
Why do you think I'm going?
Enjoy your meal?
Hey, I was looking for
you when I came in.
I want to tell you
thanks for everything.
Well, if that's all for you, this is
here when you're ready for it.
To do what?
You put money in it.
I thought I had the hook-up.
I don't buy dinner for men's wives.
You had to know that I was married.
I don't care that you're married.
I care that you brought her.
[SCOFFS] Damn, do I attract a type?
Hey, oh, excuse me, wait. Hey, hey.
You talking about the chick
that was sitting in the chair?
That's my sister.
Yeah. I know you was throwed off
the way we was feeding each other,
but that's the kind of
house we were raised in.
Nice try. And tip's not included.
Hey. Anybody wanna buy a watch?
And because he would deny God's ask,
Jonah was swallowed by a whale,
where he lived for three whole days.
What is it like to be in
the belly of a whale?
Uh, well
It's kind of like this.
- [VOCALIZING]
- [GIGGLES]
[VOCALIZING]
[CHUCKLES]
So you're saying, if I hear voices,
I should do what they tell me?
Only if they sound like God.
[CACKLES]
Yep, there it is.
It's a good thing Regina texted me.
Y'all in here playing prison.
What's wrong with you, Duck?
Hey, dinner's ready. Oh, hey.
[DUCK CHUCKLES]
Dinner's ready already?
I'm gonna go upstairs and get washed up.
This smells good. Ha-ha!
You want in on this omelet?
I make them special.
What makes them so special?
You slip something in there?
Little ham, little PCP?
Auntie, I'm telling you, you've
never had an omelet this good.
Hmm, and you've never had
an omelet at 3:00 a.m.
in the middle of a shootout at a IHOP.
Okay, I can see you know
how to turn up, Auntie.
Auntie?
You sure do know how
to turn up, Lucretia?
Ma'am?
Ms. Turner. And yes, I do.
[WATER SPLASHING]
Is that the shower?
Which part of his body
does Duck eat with?
So, I was thinking, why don't
we get our dessert to go?
- Oh
- Hmm?
Turn our tiramisù into
a little tira-me-you.
[CHUCKLES]
Listen, I was thinking,
why don't you go start the car
and pull up in the entrance
while I order it?
[SMACKS LIPS]
We gotta pay for this shit, huh?
- We weren't supposed to.
- [SCOFFS]
I had the hook-up.
The manager came into my
shop and said we'd be set.
Then talk to the manager.
She's the one that gave me the bill.
Oh, wait a minute, there it is.
She. Okay.
Ah, ha-ha, ah.
- So Ah-ah-ah, no.
- No. Come on now.
What you meant when you
said you got the hook-up
was that she wanted to hook up with you.
- I didn't do anything.
- You tell her you were married?
No. I wore my ring, I did my best. What?
Tiramisù. Enjoy.
I can't believe I bought your line
about me deserving a night out.
[CHUCKLES] You didn't do this for me.
I did this for us.
'Cause I wanted to have sex.
I'm touched.
You know how long it's been?
No, but get ready to add another night.
No, I'm serious.
I mean, it's always something.
It's like, "I'm tired," or,
"Maybe tomorrow," or
So what? It's been a minute.
Look, I mean, everybody's
telling you not to want me.
Your sister says it on the daily.
But I'm cool,
'cause at the end of the day,
I know you still wanting me.
Well, there's other ways
to want someone.
Yeah, but this is the fun way.
So, sex is really that
meaningful to you?
I mean, I'll deny it, but I miss us.
Did you miss us when you
dipped out on me with Tasha?
Oh, here we go again. We settled it.
I didn't dip out, we were on a break.
Listen, ah Every time she
slithers up to my house,
I still gotta relive it.
[SIGHS] Look, Regina, she
was dropping off Kelvin.
And so what? I'm supposed
to just say, "Hey, girl,"
when she gets to the door?
To the chick that almost broke
up my home? Like we good?
Shit. She never even apologized.
But I did.
And you accepted it.
And you didn't have to do
any of that. But you did.
Yeah, I did.
It doesn't make it easy.
I understand.
But don't tell me something's
okay and it's not okay.
Is my slate clean or not?
[SIGHS]
It's clean.
But it's not spotless.
- I'll take that.
- [LAUGHS]
Let's figure out how
to pay this bill now.
I guess you're gonna have
to hit on the manager.
Is this a test?
No. You Bennie-ed us into it, so
you're gonna Bennie us out of it.
Auntie, next time you babysit,
can we go to the movies?
Oh, better than that.
I'm taking all my babies
to the movies on Saturday.
Y'all go to the movies together?
We don't really, like, go together.
We kind of just, like, meet up.
In my car.
It's all good, Ms. Turner. I know
you like me. I ain't trippin'.
- Get your plate.
- Slow your roll, slow your roll.
The boy cooked, y'all can clean up.
Come on, act like you live here.
You kids think your folks would
miss this umbrella and neck pillow?
You know what, never mind.
If they say something,
tell 'em I got it.
Along with the duffel bag in the closet.
Is Duck going somewhere?
Not in life.
It's odd that your parents didn't
leave you any pizza money.
- Wait a minute
- Damn.
[CHUCKLES] I mean, shoot, I almost
forgot to share. Here you go.
Aren't y'all forgetting somebody?
He cooked, we're cleaning.
What are you doing?
Collecting hush money
on your little scam.
I got my eye on you.
Think you slick. Grifter.
Even me, Auntie Cretia?
I do love those cheeks.
Run it.
Got a new bill.
It's more.
She forgot you ordered coffee.
Well, shit. What are we
supposed to do, huh?
Flip a coin to see which
kid goes to college?
I vote Maya.
She's my favorite.
Uh If we gotta pay for all this,
we're not leaving until
we lick our plates clean.
Damn, my boxers broke two
courses ago. Get a doggie bag.
[CHUCKLES] Nice places like
this don't do doggie bags.
[GRUNTS] Put it in your purse.
Would you just take a bite?
Oh, man.
Mmm.
Oh, hell. Damn.
What is that? What the hell?
What's wrong, baby?
[GROANS]
Tell me I just didn't pull a nasty-ass
Band-Aid out my mouth.
Oh, that's a Band-Aid.
I just pulled a nasty-ass
Band-Aid out my mouth!
Oh, everybody, everybody stop eating.
My man just ate a Band-Aid.
- [BENNIE SCREAMS]
- And I work in a hospital, so I know.
[BENNIE SCREAMS]
It's in me. I feel it in me.
My side hurts.
My vision is blurry!
Oh, I got the hep!
[SCREAMS]
[GARGLES AND SPITS]
I can't get my tongue clean!
[GROANS]
And, folks, this is just
the one we found.
Would you please keep it down?
Bitch, I just ate a Band-Aid.
You lucky I keep anything down.
Don't you die on me, baby.
We got three kids.
Just go. Please.
Well, we can't. My husband
and I haven't paid our bill.
Well, it's on the house
if you leave right now.
- [GROANS]
- Okay.
- [BENNIE GROANS]
- [REGINA] Come on, baby.
I feel like I got the sweats.
If I die, say nice things about me.
Don't go on my phone.
[BENNIE GROANS]
Fool, you fine. Okay?
I put the Band-Aid in
there myself, all right?
I got them from the bathroom.
You shady as I am.
Remember that.
What if I swallowed that Band-Aid?
I put six more in there.
Ain't nobody paying for that shit.
- That's what I said.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Hey!
- Hi.
Did y'all get something to eat?
Regina got lamb chops in her purse.
- Not for them.
- Oh.
How'd things go here?
I have a full house. Things are fine.
You really gotta teach me
how you be cheating.
Come on, little man.
Lemme drive you home.
Hey, hurry back.
We still gotta have dessert.
Hey, little man, let me get you a Uber.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, that must be Mom.
But good to know where your head is at.
Hey, Tasha. Yeah, I was
just finna bring him back.
Thought you'd be out late.
No, my date is over.
But I'm making him drive us home
before I tell him. [CHUCKLES]
Well, we'll see you next week,
and, um, have a good night, Tasha.
Oh, well, good night, Regina.
I like that. That felt
nice right there. Yeah.
[REGINA] And I tell you what, Tasha.
If he ever wants to come by
just because, he's welcome.
- Oh.
- [CAR HONKS]
Okay, we coming!
That would be real nice. Thank you.
All right, come on.
You're welcome.
You're doing too much.
Uh, Lucretia, you, too.
Giddy up, giddy up.
That "before play" worked.
Hey, I'm gonna borrow this
real quick. And these sporks.
Uh, by the way, your boy here
is homeless. You play with that.
Okay, got Duck all set up on the couch.
We'll figure that one
out in the morning.
And the girls are asleep.
So, we can finally have that
Bennie.
Bennie.
Well, ain't this a bitch.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]