The West Wing s01e02 Episode Script
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc
MANDY: Previously: Give me your number, l'd like to call you.
Stay.
Save yourself a call.
The president's pissed at you and so am l.
lt's my job to tell the president it's best to show you the door.
You won that election for him.
You, Leo, C.
J.
and Sam.
ls it possible you are, what would have to be.
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a very high-priced call girl? -Yes.
Hypothetical: You're Russell, no friend of the president.
-What do you do? -Exploratory committee.
-Who do you get? -Mandy.
-You're dating Lloyd Russell? -Yeah.
The Coast Guard's fishing for Cubans, and l slept with a prostitute.
Please.
Which of those kids is my boss's daughter? -That would be me.
-This is bad on so many levels.
-Josh, don't ever do it again.
-Yes, sir.
Mrs.
Landingham, what's next? Are you crazy? -Have you lost your mind? LLOYD: Mandy.
-Let's go to my office.
-Why'd you make that deal? Shut up! -Why? Lloyd! -Just until after the midterms.
lt keeps it in committee-- The White House will veto it when no one's looking.
-We want them looking! -We should go.
Why did you make that deal? -For a spot at the nominations.
-l might nominate the president.
-Possibly keynote.
-Definitely prime time.
Of course they offered it! -They don't want you nominated! -Settle down.
That bill was our coming-out! Our ''Nessun Dorma! '' -What? -ltalian aria by Wagner.
Puccini.
Wagner's German.
-ls everything all right? -No, it's not! l left a top-tier marketing firm.
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to get him elected president.
But he made a deal to hold 443 until after midterm! Avoiding national exposure! Our only hope.
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of making a challenge! -We've got a caucus.
-Hang on.
-Lloyd, l was going to-- -Listen to me.
lt wasn't gonna happen.
Maybe somewhere down the road.
-Not this year.
-l had two years to make it happen.
They beat me before l got my boxes unpacked.
-You'll bounce back.
You've got spunk.
-l'll kill you with my shoes! lt wasn't gonna happen.
You know the worst part? l think you dinged up your suspension pretty good.
lt's the party they're having at my expense.
No, they're not.
l worked with these people.
They like to win, then gloat.
-You're wrong.
-l'm not.
There are serious people there.
A blow was struck for party unity this morning.
There's no cause to gloat.
Victory is mine! Great day in the morning, people.
-Josh.
-l drink from glory, Donna.
Bring me the finest bagels in the land.
lt's gonna be an unbearable day.
-How did they refuse? -They declined the invitation.
-Decline a photo op with the president? -lt's the luck we're having.
-Because of the joke? -Yes.
-Who's that? -Who cares? You try getting his attention.
-Does the president have free time? -Nothing but time, Toby.
He's eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee.
Sarcasm's disturbing from a woman of your age.
-What age would that be? -Late 20s.
-Thattaboy.
-Can l have a cookie? -They turned us down? -C.
J.
's on it.
Good morning, Sam.
Have a cookie.
Thank you.
They're issuing a press release.
-Because of the joke? -Yes.
Give me a serpent to slay.
-What's his problem? -He's drinking glory.
He wants bagels.
-Good job.
-Thank you.
-They turned us down? -Declined.
-What's that mean? -They turned us down.
-The joke? -Why does everyone ask? -$32 billion against the surplus.
-Jaworski knows that's no good.
He'll say the Japanese need to buy U.
S.
cars.
-Americans need to buy U.
S.
cars.
-l told him.
-Morning.
What do you got? -Morning.
-443 will stay in committee.
-l heard.
-The Ryder Cup team declined.
-You're kidding.
-The joke.
-You're kidding.
The Ryder Cup team.
-The best golfers in the country-- -l know what it is.
Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
l've got intelligence, security and budget meetings.
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scheduled for the same 45 minutes.
-Sure this a good time? -No.
-Me neither.
-But it's not the first time.
-l know.
-lt's about Texas.
When asked about campaigning in Texas, you say you look bad in funny hats.
-''Big hats.
'' -So what? lt makes a difference.
-Point is, we got whomped in Texas.
-Twice.
-ln the primary and in November.
-l was there.
And it was avoidable, sir.
Your tombstone will read Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
None of my visitors will understand.
know ''post hoc, ergo propter hoc''? ''Post,'' after.
''After hoc.
'' ''Ergo,'' therefore.
''After hoc, therefore'' something ''hoc.
'' -Next? -lf l'd gotten more credit on 443-- ''After it, therefore because of it.
'' One thing follows another, therefore caused by the other.
But in fact, it's hardly ever true.
We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke.
-Know when we lost Texas? -When you learned to speak Latin? -Go figure.
LEO: What else? -Capt.
Tolliver, coffee? -l'm fine, Nancy.
-Morris, good to see you.
-Morning.
-He's backed up.
-l see.
Sam, when are you writing the Hilton Head? -Noon to 3.
-Let me see it at 3.
l'll be a second.
Take a walk with me.
-You look well.
-l feel good.
-How's the baby? -1 0 days old.
-You got a picture? -Let me see.
What do you know? -She's a knockout.
-Both of them.
-l forgot your wife's name.
-Angela.
-And the girl? -Corey.
Did you tell council they'd be in on the 1 0:00? -l may have.
-You'd want to tell me that.
lt's a baby and a new mother.
Look at that.
l know you're just filling in for Terry Wyatt.
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but the president would like to keep you on.
l don't have objections, but l'm leaving in a few hours.
-Where you going? -Jordan.
-For how long? -A week.
-You'll start the week after.
-Leo.
l'm low-ranked.
He feels better talking to you.
Some days you've lightened the load.
-lt's an awful big load.
-He likes you.
l gotta get back.
Give him his picture.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Matthews wants to know what we know.
-l have news.
-Good? You could see it as bad.
l think it's good.
Lloyd Russell is no longer our client.
-Really? -Yes.
-He's our only client.
-Was.
-This is a disaster! -lf that's your spin on it-- He wants to work with the president on 443.
-You lost our client? -We're a team, Daisy.
-l quit my job.
-So did l.
-After putting $500,000 away.
-l saved wisely.
How will you pay me? Typical of you to leap to that.
No, it's ''typically'' my landlord, college loans.
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the guy who sells me milk.
l have expenses too! Credit cards, condo payments.
Plus l dinged my BMW's suspension.
-What will we do? -l'm formulating a plan.
Josh? You owe me $ 1 00.
l entered you in the football pool.
-Without telling me? -lt's a surprise.
-And? -You lost $ 1 00.
-On? -Central lndiana State.
-What was the line? -lt wasn't like that.
-What was it? -You pick the winner.
-You picked them? -Fighting Okies.
-Who were they playing? -Notre Dame.
-You picked them against Notre Dame? -Technically, you did.
Toby! We need to do something.
-Ryder Cup team.
-They're just the latest.
-The Banking Committee.
-New Jersey, G-8.
The bicycle under the tree.
l'm not sure what our new media director would have done.
We need a new one.
l've done better talent shows than our events.
-Talent shows? -When l was a kid.
-Let's double-team him.
-With Sam and C.
J.
We need to gang up on him.
lt won't be Mandy, right? -Nope.
-Anyone but Mandy! ''Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?'' Bet that had them rolling.
Be funny.
You're best with a pie in your face.
l'd hold back, keep it in your pocket.
Don't like the rhythm of the Q-and-A? Use the Ryder Cup.
Folks, please take your seats.
We're gonna start the briefing.
Please take your seats, folks.
Good morning.
We've got a birthday today, right? -Suzanne? -Bobbi.
-lt's Bobbi's birthday.
-lt is.
The vice president commented on the White House position on the A3C3.
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saying, and l quote: ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' Can you clarify? No, l haven't spoken with him.
The language seems strained, doesn't it? Strange? Strained.
''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' Sounds pretty straightforward.
lf you consult the morning releases, you'll see in sports.
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we got dissed by 1 2 guys named Flippy.
Questions? Did this have to do with the joke? Will the president make an apology? It was a surprise to discover professional golfers don 't have a sense of humor.
Especially after seeing some of the outfits.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What's up? She discovered that Hoynes responded to an A3 question: ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' -Third one.
-She moved to the Ryder Cup.
-Wouldn't you? -Yeah.
-Get her to keep this off Leo's desk.
-l think it goes on it.
That quote will disappear.
A fight between Leo and the VP's got juice.
-Talk to C.
J.
-l will.
-Did you need me? -Sorry? -You come to see me? -Stretching my legs.
l'm supposed to be working on the Hilton Head draft.
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but l'm just stretching my legs.
-Okay.
Last week l met a woman named Laurie.
We spent the evening together.
The next day l discovered she was a call girl.
-Sam, do you want to close the door? -Yeah? Yeah.
-You slept with a call girl? -No, l-- Yes, l did.
-She know who you are? -l didn't reveal my secret identity.
l'm asking-- -She knows l work for the president.
-You think-- She wouldn't talk.
-How do you know? -l know.
-You want to call her.
-l like her.
She's not what you think.
l only know she's a call girl.
ls she? Then she's what l think.
-l left abruptly.
-You're gonna try to reform her.
l want to say a proper goodbye that shows respect.
-You'd like her if you met her.
-Promise that won't happen.
You're with the energy secretary in five minutes.
What's going on? -Nothing.
-Really? -You're lying? -Yes.
-l should get out? -Yes.
-Whatever quest-- -lt's not a quest.
You're playing with fire.
Talk to Toby.
-No way to do this without Toby? -No.
Hang on! C.
J.
! Talk to Toby.
Just Toby.
You're late.
l'll kill him.
-l'd definitely talk to him.
-Oh, l will.
-Stay on the perimeter.
-l have been.
l don't want it on Leo's desk.
Thank you! (SPEAKlNG lN FRENCH) -Stevie.
Does he have time? -We're leaving for NY.
-Just a minute.
-l'm looking at my watch.
Good luck! Excuse me, Mr.
Vice President.
l wanted to talk to you about A3C3.
l apologize.
Things happen quickly.
Sometimes people get left behind.
The most he was talking about was $6 an acre.
We're fixing it.
-Had we properly briefed you-- -Bill, $6 an acre! Nice of you to find me, but l've been in the loop.
They keep saying ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' -Possibly interpreted as-- -l've got a press secretary.
-Yes, sir.
-Gotta run.
Yes, sir.
-What's in Jordan? -Amman.
Stay.
We've got ''Amman,'' a woman, the works.
-1 31 over 84.
-That was a joke.
-Good one.
-Everybody's a critic.
Hold still.
-What's in Amman? -A teaching hospital.
-Good for you.
How long will you stay? -A week.
-When do you leave? -Two hours.
-What's my temperature? -56 degrees.
-Fahrenheit? -ls that not normal? -How's the kid? -1 0 days old today.
-Can she spell anything? -No.
-Any pictures? -Thought you'd never ask.
-Sir, they touched down at Andrews.
-Thanks.
What's her name? Corey.
My grandmother's name from her great aunt.
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who got it from the first free woman she met.
-Name's got a past.
-My family is proud of its past.
Your wife's beautiful.
-You trick her to marry you? -Hypnosis.
l figured.
l made a joke about golfers.
Now it consumes the whole building.
Open your mouth, sir.
Jokes are part of my folksy charm.
lt's the heart of my popularity.
lsn't your job-approval rating three percent? We're having difficulty getting the word out.
-ls this from this morning? -Yes, sir.
How's my pulse? You just run the stairs at the Rose Bowl? -No.
-Then it's not good.
-Cut back on red meat? Dairy? -Yeah.
-How about booze? -Sure.
Two Dewar's on the rocks.
l had a meeting this morning with the Joint Chiefs.
l'm an accomplished man, Morris.
l sit comfortably with prime ministers and presidents.
With the Joint Chiefs, l feel l'm back at my father's dinner table.
l'm a naval officer, l-- You're a doctor in a uniform.
lt's not like l'm without experience.
l'm a former governor.
l was commander in chief of the NH National Guard.
-Got in tough scrapes? -Didn't have to.
We'd stand on the border and stare you down, then go for pancakes.
Like you had combat training in premed.
-Hold still.
-What is that? -Flu shot.
-l don't need one.
Maybe this is a military coup? l want the Secret Service.
ln a coup, why would the Secret Service be on your side? -That's a thought that will fester.
-Hold still.
Thank you.
l'm not comfortable with violence.
l know we have enemies but l don't feel violent toward them.
l don't know if that's a weakness.
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but l know how the Joint Chiefs would answer that.
Let the Chiefs get to know you.
They're naturally suspicious of your leadership.
That comes from a lifetime between the devil and the deep blue sea.
They're men of character.
They may not like your resume.
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but in time, they'll like you personally.
You have a once-in-a-generation mind.
They'll respect that.
They'll advise you well and go where you point.
Let them get to know you.
ln the meantime, you outrank them.
-Don't worry.
And cut back on dairy.
-And red meat.
And the Scotch.
Don't forget your picture.
Corey's a beautiful child.
l know.
Look what l done.
You did nothing.
You were a passenger.
You pay the bills and do what they tell you.
Also, teach her to whistle.
Her mother won't.
-See you next week.
-Two weeks.
-Morris! -Yes, sir? Look at that picture again.
See? The past isn't the only thing your family can be proud of.
Yes, sir.
Go away.
You remember Stuart White and Ray Finley.
l do, indeed.
Good to see you.
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-Yeah? -Who do you want for the pool? -Another $ 1 00.
-Gotta play to win.
-l see it different.
-Rocky Mountain College or Purdue? Give me Yeshiva University over the Cowboys.
lf you aren't-- -Leo will be ready in a half-hour.
-Thanks.
-You talk to Hoynes? -Yeah.
-And? -We're fine.
-You sure? -Yeah.
We're fine.
Leo will call when he's ready.
-Anyone but Mandy.
-Right! MANDY: Did you know l have a Ph.
D? -Yes.
-Some people don't know that.
-l do.
l've got a bachelor's degree in art history.
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and a master's in communications and a Ph.
D.
in political science.
-Yes.
-l'm accomplished and brilliant.
-And look how young l am.
-What about Gil McGreggor? Who would think with all that.
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l would be this young or cute? -Gil McGreggor.
Mandy! -But here l am.
-l'm not calling him! -Why not? -l'm not cold-calling like a salesman! -Fine.
You do it.
Neither of us have to.
Things haven't gotten that bad.
Miss Hampton, we are on the stairs, drinking wine out of paper cups.
l'd like it if you called me Dr.
Hampton.
Give me the bottle.
(PHONE RlNGS) -Seaborn's office.
MAN: Danny for Sam.
He's writing.
He asked me to hold calls.
He just came out.
Call you back.
-l'm done.
-Sure? -Done polishing and tweaking? -Yes.
l'm done tweaking.
l'm done polishing.
Take it to C.
J.
Wait! Yes.
l'm done.
Really.
Wait for the U.
N.
's statement.
lt's the least they can do.
The U.
N.
's doing the least they can do.
-What's up? -Just stretching my legs.
-How's it going? -Finished.
-The Hilton Head draft? -l used tough language.
-''Political cover, counterproductive.
'' -Good.
Now l'm just stretching my legs.
Good.
-Can l talk to you? -Yeah.
-l'll shut the door.
-Okay.
About a week ago, l accidentally slept with a prostitute.
-Really? -Yes.
-With a prostitute? -Call girl.
-Accidentally? -Yes.
-Did you trip? -l didn't know she was one.
You didn't know when she charged you for sex? She didn't.
l didn't find out about it until the next day.
Where'd you meet her? The Farnsworth.
-Anyone see you? -No.
-Sure? -Yes.
-l was with Billy.
-Who? -Kenworthy.
-Of the Wall Street Journal? We talked about Josh and Mary Marsh.
He left before l-- -Picked up a hooker.
-Call girl.
An important distinction to the grand jury.
l haven't broken any laws.
-Who knows? -Josh.
-And? -That's it.
Me, you, the hooker, the deputy chief of staff, and the Journal.
-She's not a hooker.
-Hang on.
l'd like to call her to be friends.
l don't see the danger.
You're gonna try and reform her? You are.
She shouldn't feel like trash.
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because l'm not given the benefit of the doubt! -Let's go.
-He's free? -Did you know? -Know what? -With him.
-Yes.
-And you're not concerned? -Who hasn't known forbidden love? Spring break-- We don't need an opposition party.
We do fine by ourselves.
Don't do anything stupid, okay? Nice job on the Hilton Head draft.
-Three minutes.
-A full-time consultant.
The dollar's down three cents against the yen.
We need an economic stimulus package.
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that wasn't put together at an Amway rally.
-That's not this meeting.
-Fair point.
The Ryder Cup shouldn't have ended up on us.
You'll let the DNC spend money? -Absolutely.
-Who do we get? -Mandy.
-Excellent choice.
Wait.
What? -Mandy.
-Recently unemployed.
l don't think Josh got enough credit.
-We need her again.
-Mandy? -We need her.
-This is an ambush.
l'm being mugged! Can you think of a reason that isn't personal? What? She was my girlfriend.
Good enough.
Let's do it.
-Hang on! l have objections.
-Like what? -The president won't agree.
-He will.
-How do you know? -l asked him.
Listen.
Fine.
l'm a team player.
As long as she understands she answers to me and Toby.
l don't want to go 1 5 rounds with her.
-ls that it? -Yeah.
Thank you.
l'm drawing a chart for her with lines and arrows.
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indicating she answers to me and to Toby.
C.
J.
, hang on a second.
-Did you talk to Hoynes? -For a minute this morning.
-About A3C3? -Yeah.
-l mean, about the quote? -Yeah.
-And? -Miscommunication.
He's on board.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
What kind of--? His statement got truncated.
l'd leave it alone.
Okay.
-Anything else? -No.
l'll be in my office.
She answers to me and she answers to Toby.
BARTLET: Mrs.
Landingham? l'm done, right? Just some calls you can make from the residence.
Thanks.
What's in the bag? Delegation from the University of Nebraska.
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was sorry you couldn't see them and left this.
-lt's a shirt.
-Yes, sir.
-They left me a shirt.
-Yes.
l think they left something else.
l think they left me.
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1 2 center-cut, prime filet Omaha steaks.
-Morris said-- -l was gonna have Mario fix me one.
-He was very clear-- -You stole them.
l didn't.
l'm following the direct orders of Capt.
Tolliver, MD.
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who'd like to see your diet contain less-- You are a cattle rustler.
lf you say so.
And no Scotch tonight, sir.
Between you and Morris, who needs a wife or a mother? Good night, Mr.
President.
-Christiansen? -No.
-Stilwell? -No.
-Crouse.
Alabama.
-No.
-The one from lndiana? -No.
-Kittis? -No.
-Waveman? -No.
-Rock? -No.
-Silverman? -Bartlet? -What about Bartlet? -What are you doing here? Nobel Laureate in Economics? Three-term congressman.
You look like you could use a client.
Want to work for the leader of the free world? Josh! lt took you long enough.
You cut me out for a year! Sure, once the Ryder-- -We got rules.
-l don't care.
-What are they? -One, she can't punch me.
Two, don't get drunk in the middle of the day.
-Agreed.
-Fine.
We appreciate this.
-lt's no favor.
-You're a good man.
-l am something.
-l want to die.
-How can we thank you? -Her expression's enough.
-Get your coats.
You hungry? -No.
Yes.
Let's go.
Three, and l can't emphasize this enough.
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you answer to me and Toby.
We have charts to outline the chain of command.
For instance, you answer to me and Toby.
-l understand.
-Do you? -Yes.
-Good.
ln your dreams.
ln your little dreams.
Excuse me.
-The vice president is here.
-Thanks.
-Leo.
-Good evening, Mr.
Vice President.
Thanks, Margaret.
How was New York? S&P's gonna raise the city's credit rating.
Nice of you to call.
l don't see you enough.
-No? -Margaret looks good.
-Did you blow off C.
J.
? -ls that what this is about? She doesn't need to run to you every time-- She didn't.
She covered your ass.
She's a good girl.
When she tells you something.
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consider it a directive from this office.
You want me to consider it a directive from here? Let me consult the Constitution.
l'm not sure you get authority.
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to direct me to the men's room.
You want to do this now? l have had it with you and your pal! l got shoved into a-- Excuse me! Me and my pal? You're referring to President Bartlet? -Yes! -Refer to him that way! -Good night.
-Don't do what you're doing.
Why shouldn't l keep on doing what l've been doing? Because l'll win.
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and you'll end up playing celebrity golf the rest of your life.
How long do you expect me to stick around and be his whipping boy? Give this president anything less than your full-throated support.
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and you'll find out exactly how long.
-Good night, Leo.
-Good night, John.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-l'm looking for Laurie.
-l don't know her.
-That's not her real name.
-lt's not? Actually, it is.
The one you know her by isn't.
l saw her with you.
-l remember you.
-More good news for Toby.
-What? -Nothing.
Where is she? She's in the back.
Thank you.
-She's busy.
-Only take a sec! Hong Kong? That place has gone downhill since they changed chefs.
-Hi.
-Hi! l come for a drink and here you are.
How about that? -How you doing? -Hi.
This is-- -Sam Seaborn.
-From the White House? -l've known her my whole life.
-How do you know Brittany? -Who's Brittany? -l am.
-We're in the middle of something.
-l don't mean to interrupt.
l'll just call my friend the Assistant Attorney General.
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and see if he wants to meet with me and that woman back there.
Excuse me.
Good to see you.
Okay.
Laurie! -l called you four times.
-Stay away.
l can't believe you.
l left my coat.
l can't go back.
lf l cost you money, l'll write a check.
-You go to hell for saying that.
-l wasn't-- -That was the wrong thing to say.
-Yes! -You'll freeze.
Take my coat.
-No.
Come on.
Give it to me.
l can't believe you said that in there.
l backed away from you quietly.
l never would have caused trouble.
Then you come in and brandish this-- By the way, the Attorney General has no jurisdiction here.
l break the law in the District and in Maryland and in Pennsylvania.
l've never committed a federal crime.
More than l can say for your people.
-Absolutely right.
-l need a cab.
So l had a pretty good day.
Congratulations.
Feel like l'm affecting policy discussion.
Why did you find me? Why did you call me four times and then come and find me? Just to tell you l had a pretty good day.
-l don't need saving.
-Yeah, you do.
l make more money than you do.
You and any kid with a decent paper route.
You understand l wasn't abused as a child, that l like what l do? -lt's putting me through law school.
-No bar will admit you with a bust.
-l don't plan on that.
-As opposed to those who do? -You look terrific tonight.
-Thank you.
l'm not saying that to get my coat back.
You'll try and change me, arguing, asserting-- l'm a lawyer and a speechwriter.
l'm sought after because l'm good at it.
You humiliated me back there and you scared me.
You understand that? Yes.
And? l guess that's just the way it goes.
-Not good enough.
-lt has to be.
-Why? -l've decided to be a friend of yours.
Am l supposed to strip for you now? No.
-Really? -Really.
-What do we do? -Whatever it is, could it be indoors? -l'm from California.
-Yes.
Good.
You want to buy me a drink? -That sounded very professional to me.
-Shut up.
-Will you reveal state secrets? -l don't know any.
Now he tells me.
l recite members of Congress alphabetically.
How do the girls stay on their feet? l got some patter with capital gains tax.
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Eagle's by.
-They're in position in two hours? -Backed by a second carrier group.
Plus the F-1 4s.
-How soon before an estimated BDA? -1 0 minutes.
-The president's waiting.
-Excuse me, gentlemen.
Leo? You need me? No.
Mr.
President, Morris Tolliver is dead.
An Air Force transport carrying Morris, 1 2 doctors.
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and 42 staff to a teaching hospital in Amman.
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exploded in midair What was thought to be mechanical failure.
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was claimed by a fundamentalist group.
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after a satellite sent back a record of a heat stream.
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coming from an FlM-92.
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a shoulder-mounted surface-to-air missile launcher.
ln the last 90 minutes, that's been debunked as well.
lntelligence tells us the order came through the Syrian Defense Ministry.
Baker and Lennox are on their way from the Pentagon.
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and Brodie's in the situation room preparing for your briefing.
What time is it? -lt's 1 0:38 in Damascus.
-Where's the Syrian ambassador? At his residence on a secure phone line.
-Tel Aviv and London? -State's waiting for your word.
All right.
l'll call Morris' wife now.
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and l'll meet you in the situation room.
Yes, sir.
Leo? l am not frightened.
l'll blow them off the face of the Earth.
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with the fury of God's own thunder.
Get the commanders.
SDl Media Group
Stay.
Save yourself a call.
The president's pissed at you and so am l.
lt's my job to tell the president it's best to show you the door.
You won that election for him.
You, Leo, C.
J.
and Sam.
ls it possible you are, what would have to be.
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a very high-priced call girl? -Yes.
Hypothetical: You're Russell, no friend of the president.
-What do you do? -Exploratory committee.
-Who do you get? -Mandy.
-You're dating Lloyd Russell? -Yeah.
The Coast Guard's fishing for Cubans, and l slept with a prostitute.
Please.
Which of those kids is my boss's daughter? -That would be me.
-This is bad on so many levels.
-Josh, don't ever do it again.
-Yes, sir.
Mrs.
Landingham, what's next? Are you crazy? -Have you lost your mind? LLOYD: Mandy.
-Let's go to my office.
-Why'd you make that deal? Shut up! -Why? Lloyd! -Just until after the midterms.
lt keeps it in committee-- The White House will veto it when no one's looking.
-We want them looking! -We should go.
Why did you make that deal? -For a spot at the nominations.
-l might nominate the president.
-Possibly keynote.
-Definitely prime time.
Of course they offered it! -They don't want you nominated! -Settle down.
That bill was our coming-out! Our ''Nessun Dorma! '' -What? -ltalian aria by Wagner.
Puccini.
Wagner's German.
-ls everything all right? -No, it's not! l left a top-tier marketing firm.
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to get him elected president.
But he made a deal to hold 443 until after midterm! Avoiding national exposure! Our only hope.
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of making a challenge! -We've got a caucus.
-Hang on.
-Lloyd, l was going to-- -Listen to me.
lt wasn't gonna happen.
Maybe somewhere down the road.
-Not this year.
-l had two years to make it happen.
They beat me before l got my boxes unpacked.
-You'll bounce back.
You've got spunk.
-l'll kill you with my shoes! lt wasn't gonna happen.
You know the worst part? l think you dinged up your suspension pretty good.
lt's the party they're having at my expense.
No, they're not.
l worked with these people.
They like to win, then gloat.
-You're wrong.
-l'm not.
There are serious people there.
A blow was struck for party unity this morning.
There's no cause to gloat.
Victory is mine! Great day in the morning, people.
-Josh.
-l drink from glory, Donna.
Bring me the finest bagels in the land.
lt's gonna be an unbearable day.
-How did they refuse? -They declined the invitation.
-Decline a photo op with the president? -lt's the luck we're having.
-Because of the joke? -Yes.
-Who's that? -Who cares? You try getting his attention.
-Does the president have free time? -Nothing but time, Toby.
He's eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee.
Sarcasm's disturbing from a woman of your age.
-What age would that be? -Late 20s.
-Thattaboy.
-Can l have a cookie? -They turned us down? -C.
J.
's on it.
Good morning, Sam.
Have a cookie.
Thank you.
They're issuing a press release.
-Because of the joke? -Yes.
Give me a serpent to slay.
-What's his problem? -He's drinking glory.
He wants bagels.
-Good job.
-Thank you.
-They turned us down? -Declined.
-What's that mean? -They turned us down.
-The joke? -Why does everyone ask? -$32 billion against the surplus.
-Jaworski knows that's no good.
He'll say the Japanese need to buy U.
S.
cars.
-Americans need to buy U.
S.
cars.
-l told him.
-Morning.
What do you got? -Morning.
-443 will stay in committee.
-l heard.
-The Ryder Cup team declined.
-You're kidding.
-The joke.
-You're kidding.
The Ryder Cup team.
-The best golfers in the country-- -l know what it is.
Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.
l've got intelligence, security and budget meetings.
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scheduled for the same 45 minutes.
-Sure this a good time? -No.
-Me neither.
-But it's not the first time.
-l know.
-lt's about Texas.
When asked about campaigning in Texas, you say you look bad in funny hats.
-''Big hats.
'' -So what? lt makes a difference.
-Point is, we got whomped in Texas.
-Twice.
-ln the primary and in November.
-l was there.
And it was avoidable, sir.
Your tombstone will read Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
None of my visitors will understand.
know ''post hoc, ergo propter hoc''? ''Post,'' after.
''After hoc.
'' ''Ergo,'' therefore.
''After hoc, therefore'' something ''hoc.
'' -Next? -lf l'd gotten more credit on 443-- ''After it, therefore because of it.
'' One thing follows another, therefore caused by the other.
But in fact, it's hardly ever true.
We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke.
-Know when we lost Texas? -When you learned to speak Latin? -Go figure.
LEO: What else? -Capt.
Tolliver, coffee? -l'm fine, Nancy.
-Morris, good to see you.
-Morning.
-He's backed up.
-l see.
Sam, when are you writing the Hilton Head? -Noon to 3.
-Let me see it at 3.
l'll be a second.
Take a walk with me.
-You look well.
-l feel good.
-How's the baby? -1 0 days old.
-You got a picture? -Let me see.
What do you know? -She's a knockout.
-Both of them.
-l forgot your wife's name.
-Angela.
-And the girl? -Corey.
Did you tell council they'd be in on the 1 0:00? -l may have.
-You'd want to tell me that.
lt's a baby and a new mother.
Look at that.
l know you're just filling in for Terry Wyatt.
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but the president would like to keep you on.
l don't have objections, but l'm leaving in a few hours.
-Where you going? -Jordan.
-For how long? -A week.
-You'll start the week after.
-Leo.
l'm low-ranked.
He feels better talking to you.
Some days you've lightened the load.
-lt's an awful big load.
-He likes you.
l gotta get back.
Give him his picture.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Matthews wants to know what we know.
-l have news.
-Good? You could see it as bad.
l think it's good.
Lloyd Russell is no longer our client.
-Really? -Yes.
-He's our only client.
-Was.
-This is a disaster! -lf that's your spin on it-- He wants to work with the president on 443.
-You lost our client? -We're a team, Daisy.
-l quit my job.
-So did l.
-After putting $500,000 away.
-l saved wisely.
How will you pay me? Typical of you to leap to that.
No, it's ''typically'' my landlord, college loans.
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the guy who sells me milk.
l have expenses too! Credit cards, condo payments.
Plus l dinged my BMW's suspension.
-What will we do? -l'm formulating a plan.
Josh? You owe me $ 1 00.
l entered you in the football pool.
-Without telling me? -lt's a surprise.
-And? -You lost $ 1 00.
-On? -Central lndiana State.
-What was the line? -lt wasn't like that.
-What was it? -You pick the winner.
-You picked them? -Fighting Okies.
-Who were they playing? -Notre Dame.
-You picked them against Notre Dame? -Technically, you did.
Toby! We need to do something.
-Ryder Cup team.
-They're just the latest.
-The Banking Committee.
-New Jersey, G-8.
The bicycle under the tree.
l'm not sure what our new media director would have done.
We need a new one.
l've done better talent shows than our events.
-Talent shows? -When l was a kid.
-Let's double-team him.
-With Sam and C.
J.
We need to gang up on him.
lt won't be Mandy, right? -Nope.
-Anyone but Mandy! ''Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?'' Bet that had them rolling.
Be funny.
You're best with a pie in your face.
l'd hold back, keep it in your pocket.
Don't like the rhythm of the Q-and-A? Use the Ryder Cup.
Folks, please take your seats.
We're gonna start the briefing.
Please take your seats, folks.
Good morning.
We've got a birthday today, right? -Suzanne? -Bobbi.
-lt's Bobbi's birthday.
-lt is.
The vice president commented on the White House position on the A3C3.
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saying, and l quote: ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' Can you clarify? No, l haven't spoken with him.
The language seems strained, doesn't it? Strange? Strained.
''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' Sounds pretty straightforward.
lf you consult the morning releases, you'll see in sports.
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we got dissed by 1 2 guys named Flippy.
Questions? Did this have to do with the joke? Will the president make an apology? It was a surprise to discover professional golfers don 't have a sense of humor.
Especially after seeing some of the outfits.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What's up? She discovered that Hoynes responded to an A3 question: ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' -Third one.
-She moved to the Ryder Cup.
-Wouldn't you? -Yeah.
-Get her to keep this off Leo's desk.
-l think it goes on it.
That quote will disappear.
A fight between Leo and the VP's got juice.
-Talk to C.
J.
-l will.
-Did you need me? -Sorry? -You come to see me? -Stretching my legs.
l'm supposed to be working on the Hilton Head draft.
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-.
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but l'm just stretching my legs.
-Okay.
Last week l met a woman named Laurie.
We spent the evening together.
The next day l discovered she was a call girl.
-Sam, do you want to close the door? -Yeah? Yeah.
-You slept with a call girl? -No, l-- Yes, l did.
-She know who you are? -l didn't reveal my secret identity.
l'm asking-- -She knows l work for the president.
-You think-- She wouldn't talk.
-How do you know? -l know.
-You want to call her.
-l like her.
She's not what you think.
l only know she's a call girl.
ls she? Then she's what l think.
-l left abruptly.
-You're gonna try to reform her.
l want to say a proper goodbye that shows respect.
-You'd like her if you met her.
-Promise that won't happen.
You're with the energy secretary in five minutes.
What's going on? -Nothing.
-Really? -You're lying? -Yes.
-l should get out? -Yes.
-Whatever quest-- -lt's not a quest.
You're playing with fire.
Talk to Toby.
-No way to do this without Toby? -No.
Hang on! C.
J.
! Talk to Toby.
Just Toby.
You're late.
l'll kill him.
-l'd definitely talk to him.
-Oh, l will.
-Stay on the perimeter.
-l have been.
l don't want it on Leo's desk.
Thank you! (SPEAKlNG lN FRENCH) -Stevie.
Does he have time? -We're leaving for NY.
-Just a minute.
-l'm looking at my watch.
Good luck! Excuse me, Mr.
Vice President.
l wanted to talk to you about A3C3.
l apologize.
Things happen quickly.
Sometimes people get left behind.
The most he was talking about was $6 an acre.
We're fixing it.
-Had we properly briefed you-- -Bill, $6 an acre! Nice of you to find me, but l've been in the loop.
They keep saying ''This is a time when the president needs our support.
'' -Possibly interpreted as-- -l've got a press secretary.
-Yes, sir.
-Gotta run.
Yes, sir.
-What's in Jordan? -Amman.
Stay.
We've got ''Amman,'' a woman, the works.
-1 31 over 84.
-That was a joke.
-Good one.
-Everybody's a critic.
Hold still.
-What's in Amman? -A teaching hospital.
-Good for you.
How long will you stay? -A week.
-When do you leave? -Two hours.
-What's my temperature? -56 degrees.
-Fahrenheit? -ls that not normal? -How's the kid? -1 0 days old today.
-Can she spell anything? -No.
-Any pictures? -Thought you'd never ask.
-Sir, they touched down at Andrews.
-Thanks.
What's her name? Corey.
My grandmother's name from her great aunt.
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who got it from the first free woman she met.
-Name's got a past.
-My family is proud of its past.
Your wife's beautiful.
-You trick her to marry you? -Hypnosis.
l figured.
l made a joke about golfers.
Now it consumes the whole building.
Open your mouth, sir.
Jokes are part of my folksy charm.
lt's the heart of my popularity.
lsn't your job-approval rating three percent? We're having difficulty getting the word out.
-ls this from this morning? -Yes, sir.
How's my pulse? You just run the stairs at the Rose Bowl? -No.
-Then it's not good.
-Cut back on red meat? Dairy? -Yeah.
-How about booze? -Sure.
Two Dewar's on the rocks.
l had a meeting this morning with the Joint Chiefs.
l'm an accomplished man, Morris.
l sit comfortably with prime ministers and presidents.
With the Joint Chiefs, l feel l'm back at my father's dinner table.
l'm a naval officer, l-- You're a doctor in a uniform.
lt's not like l'm without experience.
l'm a former governor.
l was commander in chief of the NH National Guard.
-Got in tough scrapes? -Didn't have to.
We'd stand on the border and stare you down, then go for pancakes.
Like you had combat training in premed.
-Hold still.
-What is that? -Flu shot.
-l don't need one.
Maybe this is a military coup? l want the Secret Service.
ln a coup, why would the Secret Service be on your side? -That's a thought that will fester.
-Hold still.
Thank you.
l'm not comfortable with violence.
l know we have enemies but l don't feel violent toward them.
l don't know if that's a weakness.
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but l know how the Joint Chiefs would answer that.
Let the Chiefs get to know you.
They're naturally suspicious of your leadership.
That comes from a lifetime between the devil and the deep blue sea.
They're men of character.
They may not like your resume.
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but in time, they'll like you personally.
You have a once-in-a-generation mind.
They'll respect that.
They'll advise you well and go where you point.
Let them get to know you.
ln the meantime, you outrank them.
-Don't worry.
And cut back on dairy.
-And red meat.
And the Scotch.
Don't forget your picture.
Corey's a beautiful child.
l know.
Look what l done.
You did nothing.
You were a passenger.
You pay the bills and do what they tell you.
Also, teach her to whistle.
Her mother won't.
-See you next week.
-Two weeks.
-Morris! -Yes, sir? Look at that picture again.
See? The past isn't the only thing your family can be proud of.
Yes, sir.
Go away.
You remember Stuart White and Ray Finley.
l do, indeed.
Good to see you.
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.
.
-Yeah? -Who do you want for the pool? -Another $ 1 00.
-Gotta play to win.
-l see it different.
-Rocky Mountain College or Purdue? Give me Yeshiva University over the Cowboys.
lf you aren't-- -Leo will be ready in a half-hour.
-Thanks.
-You talk to Hoynes? -Yeah.
-And? -We're fine.
-You sure? -Yeah.
We're fine.
Leo will call when he's ready.
-Anyone but Mandy.
-Right! MANDY: Did you know l have a Ph.
D? -Yes.
-Some people don't know that.
-l do.
l've got a bachelor's degree in art history.
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and a master's in communications and a Ph.
D.
in political science.
-Yes.
-l'm accomplished and brilliant.
-And look how young l am.
-What about Gil McGreggor? Who would think with all that.
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.
l would be this young or cute? -Gil McGreggor.
Mandy! -But here l am.
-l'm not calling him! -Why not? -l'm not cold-calling like a salesman! -Fine.
You do it.
Neither of us have to.
Things haven't gotten that bad.
Miss Hampton, we are on the stairs, drinking wine out of paper cups.
l'd like it if you called me Dr.
Hampton.
Give me the bottle.
(PHONE RlNGS) -Seaborn's office.
MAN: Danny for Sam.
He's writing.
He asked me to hold calls.
He just came out.
Call you back.
-l'm done.
-Sure? -Done polishing and tweaking? -Yes.
l'm done tweaking.
l'm done polishing.
Take it to C.
J.
Wait! Yes.
l'm done.
Really.
Wait for the U.
N.
's statement.
lt's the least they can do.
The U.
N.
's doing the least they can do.
-What's up? -Just stretching my legs.
-How's it going? -Finished.
-The Hilton Head draft? -l used tough language.
-''Political cover, counterproductive.
'' -Good.
Now l'm just stretching my legs.
Good.
-Can l talk to you? -Yeah.
-l'll shut the door.
-Okay.
About a week ago, l accidentally slept with a prostitute.
-Really? -Yes.
-With a prostitute? -Call girl.
-Accidentally? -Yes.
-Did you trip? -l didn't know she was one.
You didn't know when she charged you for sex? She didn't.
l didn't find out about it until the next day.
Where'd you meet her? The Farnsworth.
-Anyone see you? -No.
-Sure? -Yes.
-l was with Billy.
-Who? -Kenworthy.
-Of the Wall Street Journal? We talked about Josh and Mary Marsh.
He left before l-- -Picked up a hooker.
-Call girl.
An important distinction to the grand jury.
l haven't broken any laws.
-Who knows? -Josh.
-And? -That's it.
Me, you, the hooker, the deputy chief of staff, and the Journal.
-She's not a hooker.
-Hang on.
l'd like to call her to be friends.
l don't see the danger.
You're gonna try and reform her? You are.
She shouldn't feel like trash.
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because l'm not given the benefit of the doubt! -Let's go.
-He's free? -Did you know? -Know what? -With him.
-Yes.
-And you're not concerned? -Who hasn't known forbidden love? Spring break-- We don't need an opposition party.
We do fine by ourselves.
Don't do anything stupid, okay? Nice job on the Hilton Head draft.
-Three minutes.
-A full-time consultant.
The dollar's down three cents against the yen.
We need an economic stimulus package.
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that wasn't put together at an Amway rally.
-That's not this meeting.
-Fair point.
The Ryder Cup shouldn't have ended up on us.
You'll let the DNC spend money? -Absolutely.
-Who do we get? -Mandy.
-Excellent choice.
Wait.
What? -Mandy.
-Recently unemployed.
l don't think Josh got enough credit.
-We need her again.
-Mandy? -We need her.
-This is an ambush.
l'm being mugged! Can you think of a reason that isn't personal? What? She was my girlfriend.
Good enough.
Let's do it.
-Hang on! l have objections.
-Like what? -The president won't agree.
-He will.
-How do you know? -l asked him.
Listen.
Fine.
l'm a team player.
As long as she understands she answers to me and Toby.
l don't want to go 1 5 rounds with her.
-ls that it? -Yeah.
Thank you.
l'm drawing a chart for her with lines and arrows.
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.
indicating she answers to me and to Toby.
C.
J.
, hang on a second.
-Did you talk to Hoynes? -For a minute this morning.
-About A3C3? -Yeah.
-l mean, about the quote? -Yeah.
-And? -Miscommunication.
He's on board.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
What kind of--? His statement got truncated.
l'd leave it alone.
Okay.
-Anything else? -No.
l'll be in my office.
She answers to me and she answers to Toby.
BARTLET: Mrs.
Landingham? l'm done, right? Just some calls you can make from the residence.
Thanks.
What's in the bag? Delegation from the University of Nebraska.
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was sorry you couldn't see them and left this.
-lt's a shirt.
-Yes, sir.
-They left me a shirt.
-Yes.
l think they left something else.
l think they left me.
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1 2 center-cut, prime filet Omaha steaks.
-Morris said-- -l was gonna have Mario fix me one.
-He was very clear-- -You stole them.
l didn't.
l'm following the direct orders of Capt.
Tolliver, MD.
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who'd like to see your diet contain less-- You are a cattle rustler.
lf you say so.
And no Scotch tonight, sir.
Between you and Morris, who needs a wife or a mother? Good night, Mr.
President.
-Christiansen? -No.
-Stilwell? -No.
-Crouse.
Alabama.
-No.
-The one from lndiana? -No.
-Kittis? -No.
-Waveman? -No.
-Rock? -No.
-Silverman? -Bartlet? -What about Bartlet? -What are you doing here? Nobel Laureate in Economics? Three-term congressman.
You look like you could use a client.
Want to work for the leader of the free world? Josh! lt took you long enough.
You cut me out for a year! Sure, once the Ryder-- -We got rules.
-l don't care.
-What are they? -One, she can't punch me.
Two, don't get drunk in the middle of the day.
-Agreed.
-Fine.
We appreciate this.
-lt's no favor.
-You're a good man.
-l am something.
-l want to die.
-How can we thank you? -Her expression's enough.
-Get your coats.
You hungry? -No.
Yes.
Let's go.
Three, and l can't emphasize this enough.
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you answer to me and Toby.
We have charts to outline the chain of command.
For instance, you answer to me and Toby.
-l understand.
-Do you? -Yes.
-Good.
ln your dreams.
ln your little dreams.
Excuse me.
-The vice president is here.
-Thanks.
-Leo.
-Good evening, Mr.
Vice President.
Thanks, Margaret.
How was New York? S&P's gonna raise the city's credit rating.
Nice of you to call.
l don't see you enough.
-No? -Margaret looks good.
-Did you blow off C.
J.
? -ls that what this is about? She doesn't need to run to you every time-- She didn't.
She covered your ass.
She's a good girl.
When she tells you something.
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consider it a directive from this office.
You want me to consider it a directive from here? Let me consult the Constitution.
l'm not sure you get authority.
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to direct me to the men's room.
You want to do this now? l have had it with you and your pal! l got shoved into a-- Excuse me! Me and my pal? You're referring to President Bartlet? -Yes! -Refer to him that way! -Good night.
-Don't do what you're doing.
Why shouldn't l keep on doing what l've been doing? Because l'll win.
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and you'll end up playing celebrity golf the rest of your life.
How long do you expect me to stick around and be his whipping boy? Give this president anything less than your full-throated support.
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and you'll find out exactly how long.
-Good night, Leo.
-Good night, John.
Excuse me.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-l'm looking for Laurie.
-l don't know her.
-That's not her real name.
-lt's not? Actually, it is.
The one you know her by isn't.
l saw her with you.
-l remember you.
-More good news for Toby.
-What? -Nothing.
Where is she? She's in the back.
Thank you.
-She's busy.
-Only take a sec! Hong Kong? That place has gone downhill since they changed chefs.
-Hi.
-Hi! l come for a drink and here you are.
How about that? -How you doing? -Hi.
This is-- -Sam Seaborn.
-From the White House? -l've known her my whole life.
-How do you know Brittany? -Who's Brittany? -l am.
-We're in the middle of something.
-l don't mean to interrupt.
l'll just call my friend the Assistant Attorney General.
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and see if he wants to meet with me and that woman back there.
Excuse me.
Good to see you.
Okay.
Laurie! -l called you four times.
-Stay away.
l can't believe you.
l left my coat.
l can't go back.
lf l cost you money, l'll write a check.
-You go to hell for saying that.
-l wasn't-- -That was the wrong thing to say.
-Yes! -You'll freeze.
Take my coat.
-No.
Come on.
Give it to me.
l can't believe you said that in there.
l backed away from you quietly.
l never would have caused trouble.
Then you come in and brandish this-- By the way, the Attorney General has no jurisdiction here.
l break the law in the District and in Maryland and in Pennsylvania.
l've never committed a federal crime.
More than l can say for your people.
-Absolutely right.
-l need a cab.
So l had a pretty good day.
Congratulations.
Feel like l'm affecting policy discussion.
Why did you find me? Why did you call me four times and then come and find me? Just to tell you l had a pretty good day.
-l don't need saving.
-Yeah, you do.
l make more money than you do.
You and any kid with a decent paper route.
You understand l wasn't abused as a child, that l like what l do? -lt's putting me through law school.
-No bar will admit you with a bust.
-l don't plan on that.
-As opposed to those who do? -You look terrific tonight.
-Thank you.
l'm not saying that to get my coat back.
You'll try and change me, arguing, asserting-- l'm a lawyer and a speechwriter.
l'm sought after because l'm good at it.
You humiliated me back there and you scared me.
You understand that? Yes.
And? l guess that's just the way it goes.
-Not good enough.
-lt has to be.
-Why? -l've decided to be a friend of yours.
Am l supposed to strip for you now? No.
-Really? -Really.
-What do we do? -Whatever it is, could it be indoors? -l'm from California.
-Yes.
Good.
You want to buy me a drink? -That sounded very professional to me.
-Shut up.
-Will you reveal state secrets? -l don't know any.
Now he tells me.
l recite members of Congress alphabetically.
How do the girls stay on their feet? l got some patter with capital gains tax.
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Eagle's by.
-They're in position in two hours? -Backed by a second carrier group.
Plus the F-1 4s.
-How soon before an estimated BDA? -1 0 minutes.
-The president's waiting.
-Excuse me, gentlemen.
Leo? You need me? No.
Mr.
President, Morris Tolliver is dead.
An Air Force transport carrying Morris, 1 2 doctors.
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and 42 staff to a teaching hospital in Amman.
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exploded in midair What was thought to be mechanical failure.
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was claimed by a fundamentalist group.
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after a satellite sent back a record of a heat stream.
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coming from an FlM-92.
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a shoulder-mounted surface-to-air missile launcher.
ln the last 90 minutes, that's been debunked as well.
lntelligence tells us the order came through the Syrian Defense Ministry.
Baker and Lennox are on their way from the Pentagon.
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and Brodie's in the situation room preparing for your briefing.
What time is it? -lt's 1 0:38 in Damascus.
-Where's the Syrian ambassador? At his residence on a secure phone line.
-Tel Aviv and London? -State's waiting for your word.
All right.
l'll call Morris' wife now.
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and l'll meet you in the situation room.
Yes, sir.
Leo? l am not frightened.
l'll blow them off the face of the Earth.
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with the fury of God's own thunder.
Get the commanders.
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