The Witchfinder (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

- My name is Gideon Bannister.
- The witchfinder!
I'm not a witch!
Wi-i-i-i-i-tch!
That man was John Stearne.
He's dead.
Someone's going to have to tell
the Witchfinder General
he's going to need
a new right-hand man.
Shame the trial's done.
I don't think they'd take too kindly
to you whisking that witch away.
I've got a letter! What letter?
This one!
It says I need to take the suspect,
Thomasine Gooch.
..Gooch to the Court of Assizes,
where she will be tried.
What?!
Why would a court
summon me to Chelmsford?
Why does the court do anything?
Why do they wear big white wigs?
Why do they carry hammers?
You weren't reading that letter.
Well, I mean, I was reading
that letter. You heard me read it.
Your eyes weren't scanning it.
They were just fixed in one spot,
a bit like when you draw a line
in front of a chicken.
Well then, that must be how I read.
We don't all read by chasing
the words around the page
like we're hosing bird dung
off the footpath.
So you weren't helping me?
You still want me convicted?
No, no. It's not about
wanting you convicted.
No-one wants you convicted.
They want me convicted.
They want you convicted, sure,
cos they're the baying mob.
But I'm taking you to Chelmsford,
where a proper court
has summonsed you
for a proper trial.
This actually benefits you.
Come on.
Master Gideon.
I've got you something. What?
See, I was thinking that Mr Hopkins,
you know, witchfinder general.
He doesn't know who you are.
So how does he know that
you actually met Mr Stearne?
Well, I've got his little red pouch.
Why? What have you got?
Nothing. No?
No, I didn't get anything.
You said you had something.
No, I didn't get anything, Gideon.
Myers, you're covered in blood.
What have you got?
That's his finger!
You cut off a dead man's finger!
Why have you done that?
To identify him!
Could be anyone's bloody finger!
His ring is on it.
It isn't. Oh, God.
Myers! Oh, it must have slipped
off the back end.
You forget it can do that because
normally the hand's in the way.
Myers, back here.
Calm yourself down.
Pull yourself together, Myers.
We're doing the right thing.
You're panicking
because there's a body.
By the time anybody finds him,
I'll be working for
the witchfinder general.
I just wish he would
give me a sign.
When Edith prayed for a sign,
a choir of angels came unto her.
Yeah, and doesn't she
go on about it?
Well, you would. Well, she does.
Buddy!
Don't let him see that.
Leaving so soon?
Just riding to Snetterton
to get some work.
What about the work you had? Let me
guess - you ballsed it up again.
Yeah, you know me.
Oh, witchfinding -
such a cruel mistress.
Well, quite.
Look, I happen to believe there's
a bloody good witchfinder in there.
That's kind. You hide him well.
He just needs coaxing out
like you would a tapeworm.
I don't know. Come on, buddy,
the witchfinding tapeworm,
out you come.
Oh, I suppose
it's like you always say -
our careers are on vastly different
trajectories.
Oof. Yeah, vastly different.
You mustn't think like that.
Especially if you're getting
your nose bleeds again.
Wanker.
One of these days,
I'm going to own a garden this size.
Just me, nature
and a big fence around the outside.
So do you enjoy the witchfinding?
A witchfinder
is a man of reason.
Identifying witchery
on the basis of evidence,
unswayed by interest or sentiment.
Do you get paid the same whatever?
Ha-ha-ha! What?
Do you get paid the same,
whether a woman's a witch or not?
Well, they're hardly
going to pay me to find women
who aren't witches, are they?
So if you got a woman and you reckon
she isn't a witch, you get no money,
but if you reckon she is a witch,
you do get money? Yeah, in essence.
Wonder if that's the best way
of doing it?
No, you don't. You don't wonder.
That is the system.
It is in place because
the witchfinder general himself
has done the wondering for us.
If you go around questioning
everything the whole time,
then nothing ever gets done
and life becomes backwards.
Now, is that what you want, Gooch?
Do you want to live in Wales?
Cos us lot would be rinsing that.
You know, when I was working for
my dad's mates, smelling eggs in
Smelling eggs? ..in Setford,
smelling eggs, yeah,
we'd only just get paid for the day.
Hang on, smelling eggs?
Yeah, to see if they were bad.
But if we got paid
for every bad one we smelt,
we'd be going,
"Oh, this one smells bad,"
and, "Oh, this one's bad,"
and, "Oh, that's bad,"
rather than just genuinely
smelling eggs.
Can you stop saying "smelling eggs"?
It's horrible.
Please stop doing that.
I think it's the horse hairs,
they catch in my throat.
Absolute balls.
Horses don't even have hairs.
If anything, they have
a kind of adowny bristle.
The only noise I want to hear
between here and Chelmsford
is that of hooves and birdsong
..and inevitably a bit of that.
He's had a big meal -
haven't you, lad?
Thank you so much for pointing us
in the right direction.
No, always happy to help a Puritan,
what I call a humble worshipper.
No, give me a simple cross
over a showy crucifix any day.
Oh, absolutely.
Do you know what I do when I see
a crucifix? I yank off the Christ.
I've got a bag of Christs
at home somewhere.
Yes. Well, just keep an eye out
for the Cavaliers.
The King's men don't take
kindly to Puritans.
I think if God is carving a passage
through the Red Sea for Moses,
I dare say he'd do a little one
for me amongst the Cavaliers.
Oh, that's a big 'un.
Now, Chelmsford. Chelmsford.
You go through the village
Yes, indeed. ..and cross the river.
It's just a straight line, then,
through to Essex. Simple as that.
Couldn't be easier.
Music to my ears.
But she can't come through,
I'm sorry about that.
Pardon me? She can't
Come through. Sorry about that.
Yeah, I didn't want to make
a scene in front of her.
Atchoo! All that sneezing.
We lost two dozen souls
to the plague last March.
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.
She does not have the plague.
Well, they said that in March.
I mean, I was at my sister's,
but let's just say
that a certain someone
was a little less discerning
about who we let in
than perhaps I would have been.
I just didn't think that
Not your fault.
It was mine for trusting you.
I mean, we can go around,
I suppose.
We can go via Rickinghall,
Burgate maybe.
No, but it's the whole area.
They won't let you ride through.
Not with her sneezing like that.
You'll have all the farm lads
in East Anglia turning you back.
This doesn't really work for me.
I need to be in Chelmsford tonight.
I know, I know.
You must think I'm such a meanie.
No-one thinks you're a meanie
Shush it, please.
Atchoo! I'll go and talk to her.
Listen, I'm going to need you
to knock the old sneezing
on the head for a bit,
they're a bit worried.
I told you, it's the horse fur.
doesn't agree with me.
I don't know if that has a name.
No, it doesn't,
because that's not an ailment.
I mean, it is what it is.
What can you do?
What you can do is stop sneezing.
If this is some attempt to
Atchoo! Jesus Christ, woman!
I mean, maybe if I wasn't
on the horse?
You have to be on the!
You have to be on the horse.
We've got another 40 miles to cover.
You have to be on the horse.
You didn't think to mention this
before we set off?
I could have hired a cart. Why would
you want a cart to be higher?
Atchoo! SHUT UP!
Now then, may we take a cart?
Oh, sorry.
We used all ours to ferry the dead.
Is there somewhere else
you can get one?
Yes, my parents do have a cart.
But of course we are heading south,
here,
and they live three hours over here.
And that will slow you down,
won't it?
Yes, it's a bit of a dog leg.
It's a right angle!
That's a right angle.
If your dog had legs like that,
you'd put it down!
Right, you, off the horse.
I am sorry about your mother.
It's fine.
Is it much further?
To my parents' house?
Yes, it is much further.
MUCH further.
You're still annoyed about
the horse hairs.
I think we both know what happened,
don't you?
You tried to impede our journey
in order to avoid justice.
What next? Bribery?
Got nothing to bribe you with.
Quite! Unless you like turkeys?
My cousin's got a load of them.
His coop burned down and
they're all living in his house now.
Turkeys? How many turkeys?
Oh, 60 last count.
Can he get them to Framling?
Well, I could ask.
He could definitely get
them to Stowmarket.
So I can meet him halfway,
grab them off him there.
Yeah, if you've got transport
for them. Let me get this straight.
I could get my hands on 60 unwanted
turkeys, no questions asked,
and all I'd have to do is drive
a cage on a cart to Stowmarket,
let go of you - thus ending
my career as a witchfinder.
Mm. I mean, can we get hold of
your cousin now?
You're mocking me?
Well, honestly, woman!
Why on earth would I agree to that?
Well, because you can't
get to Chelmsford in time.
The Court of Assizes
starts in two days.
We'll be there on time.
In fact, we'll be there later today.
Perhaps a little later
than we'd expected,
perhaps once the taverns
have stopped serving dinner.
But today.
So your cousin has 60 turkeys
in his house?
It must stink.
Excuse me.
You're a witchfinder's helper.
I am. Right. I think
he's talking to me, love.
Why would he want to talk to you?
Because I work for a witchfinder.
Well, I work for a witchfinder.
I work for a witchfinder.
Maybe one day.
My master, Master Gideon,
he's a proper witchfinder.
Mr Hebble is a proper witchfinder.
My master's a proper witchfinder.
He gave me his hat and everything.
If you and your master,
you do your best and you pray hard,
then the Lord will tell you
you're on the right path.
Oh
Do you want a radish?
Yeah? Don't tell your mum!
I haven't got any radishes for you.
I don't want one.
Why aren't you crouching?
Well, you never asked me.
Why do you think I'm crouching?
What's the point of me crouching
if you're upright?
Can I just ask,
why are we sneaking about?
Because the cart is in the stable.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
And the keys to the cart are
hanging in the kitchen. Shh!
Why don't you just
knock on the door?
I'm sure your parents
won't mind lending you a cart.
Mind it? They'd bloody love it.
"Can I borrow the cart?"
"Course you can borrow the cart,
love!
"Shall we make a bed up for you.
"How are you getting on for money?"
I'd sooner I didn't see 'em,
thank you.
I'd love to see my dad again.
Even if he had zero belief
in you as a person?
Even if every time
you talked about your career,
his eyes would drift,
as if he was following
the flight of one of his bees.
Which he probably was,
to be fair to the guy.
Nice big house
Every time I talk about work, he
steers the subject back onto bees.
I said to my mother,
"Father is infatuated with bees.
"One of these days he's going
to leave in the night
"and sleep with a bee.
"He wishes you were a bee, Mother,
so he could have bee children.
"He would prefer a boy
that was a bee
"to me."
Mother said, "Gideon,
"sometimes you're a real
disappointment to me."
That must have stung.
I said, "That must have stung."
No, I heard I heard the joke.
I was just trying to cheer you up.
Right, crouch down. Come on.
Guess what?
A weird lady just gave me a radish.
Come on, this way!
Come back to bed. Nah.
You were keen enough earlier.
I was drunk enough earlier.
Morning.
I know it's gone noon, but I didn't
get to say "morning" in the morning
cos I didn't see you in the morning,
so I just thought
I'd say "morning" now.
In the afternoon.
I found a woodshed unlocked,
so I slept in there.
I did wait up for you, though, in
case you wanted to share my coat,
but you were
Fucking the landlady.
Not sure if he's all right.
That's John Stearne. Was.
That's John Was.
It WAS John Stearne,
which means the witchfinder general
will need a new man.
But we don't know where he is.
Unless Stearne was carrying
some sort of clue.
Stand back!
I trained as a physician.
He may not have long left.
Just feeling for signs of life.
Yes, his right hinge
has stopped producing.
The left one as well.
Looks like full caruncular spasm.
Yep, his bronwens have gone.
Just feeling for prostles.
Absolutely nothing.
Well, I did all I could,
but he's quite dead.
Cause of death -
it's the guts everywhere.
They should be on the inside.
Bannister's seen this.
You know what that means? Mm-hm.
Do you? Yes. But do you?
No. It means he's got
a head start on us.
He must know where Hopkins is.
His assistant's still here.
She won't want to tell us, though.
Nobody wants to tell us
until we make them want to tell us,
you know what I mean? Mm!
You'd be surprised
how helpful people can be
once their masters
are accused of murder.
Jesus wept!
Good morning, Father.
I hope you don't mind
my visiting unannounced.
I wasn't sneaking around
so much as I decided to come down
and surprise you and Mother.
I'm on my way to a witch trial
..convened by none other
than Matthew Hopkins.
You may have heard me mention him
over the din of the bees.
A grunt?
Just a grunt for Matthew Hopkins,
is it?
He looks a bit young to be your dad.
Although saying that, the bloke that
I get fish off, he's in his 20s.
He reckons he's got an uncle
who's four. That's not my father.
What? That's not my father.
That's a pissed-up Cavalier
soiling my father's chair!
What the hell is happening here?
He's wandered in
off the battlefield,
stolen into my mother's kitchen
and stuffed his face!
Oi, wake up!
Oi, leave him alone!
He's just having a bit of fun.
Bit of fun. Yeah, classic Cavalier!
With their long hair and their wine
and their constant laughing.
You ever been to a Cavalier camp?
You look at it and you think,
"That's weird.
"They've all brought their wives
along," get a bit closer,
and you see they're not the wives,
they're the men.
That's all they are, Cavaliers,
a bunch of wives.
Father! Mother!
Call yourself a soldier?
Look at you, man.
Your idea of an inconspicuous piece
of military headwear
is a hat with some feathers
stuffed into it.
I like their hats, they're fun.
Well, that's Cavaliers for you.
You think Oliver Cromwell has fun?
Do you? You think Oliver Cromwell
pisses his pants
in your father's chair?
No, he'd more likely come in and
say he'd rearranged your tool shed
in a way you'd not thought to do
before.
Captain, we weren't expecting you
so soon. Captain My apologies.
I should have been here
for your arrival,
but we had the devil's own job
getting hold of something to drink.
No, I'm not a Fucking Puritans,
they won't have it in the house!
I'm not We had to ransack
a chapel down the road,
get some communion wine.
Cromwell supporter
kicked up a bit of a fuss.
I wouldn't say we disembowelled him,
but let's just say
he's not exactly bowelled.
Quite right - Captain.
Took a bit of a thumping over
at Claydon.
Had to regroup, so we thought
we'd requisition this place.
Yes, good idea!
Is it requisition or sequester?
I never know.
And the residents?
What happened to them?
Bunch of pansies ran off
before we could execute them,
and we just made ourselves at home.
We have indeed, yes!
But let's just get you and your lady
a drink. Men, get them a drink.
No, no, we only meant to pop in
to show our faces.
I was told you were bringing orders,
sir?
Orders, absolutely. We have orders.
What are they?
Ahe-hem
Some good
Some good orders, to be honest.
Turn that the right way round.
Just trying to think
what order to give the orders in.
Clearly, we need to consolidate
..all of the areas.
Then if we can buttress the flanks
and perhaps
..perch on a ridge somewhere.
The key thing is boots on the ground
here, here and here.
That's France. France,
of course it is. No flies on you.
Now, I have to ask
The banging out here. That's nothing
to worry about, is it?
We had to stop Cromwell's men
pursuing us across the river.
So what do you think we came up
with? Blow up the bridges?
Ha! God, yeah! Yeah, I saw them
doing that out the window.
Then how does someone
cross the river?
Tell him again.
He's told you three times already.
He came in here and he found him.
Could I be a pain and possibly
speak to the boy in private?
Mums, eh? She's only trying to
stop you getting in trouble.
Trouble? So you came in and
you saw he was dead,
and this man you saw running away,
what did he look like?
I didn't see a man running away.
So what was he doing?
Who? This man, if he wasn't running
away? I didn't see a man.
Then how do you know
he wasn't running away? What?
If you can't see someone, how do you
know what they're not doing?
You don't. So he might well
have been running away.
Yes. Good, so he was running away.
And this running man,
what did he look like? I don't know.
You don't know what he looks like,
you don't know if he was running.
I have to say I'm starting to think
you've made this man up.
Well, that's because
Because grown men don't just spill
their own guts everywhere, do they?
And hack their own finger off?
Someone did that to him.
And if you were the only one here
..they'll be pointing the finger
at you.
So
Would you like me
to help you remember?
I think you forgot the horses.
Bugger the horses!
You're not meant to.
When I worked in a stable,
that was one of the rules.
You worked in a stable?
I thought you said
you were allergic to horse hairs.
I think that just started today.
Captain! Captain?
Anything else you want,
you just give the order.
Well, I mean, we
want to cross the bridge.
Charlie! Hold on the bridge!
Aye, Captain.
And it would be good to have our
horse and cart travel down to us.
And as regards the house, I think
a sweeter riposte to Cromwell's men
might be to leave it looking nice,
in a weird kind of away.
Nice. Well, as you found it.
Except there's a wonky table
that could do with fixing up
in the study.
They'll hate that.
Well, if it confuses them
as much as it confuses me!
No, no, it's a shame
you can't stay for the explosion.
I mean, it all goes up -
trees, squirrels, birds.
I can see. I think some of it's
landed in your hat.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! No, no.
That's supposed to be there.
Well, look, good luck out there.
We'll stay here and lie low.
Hence the whispering.
Oh, God, are we being annoying?
No, no, no, not at all.
It's an adorable noise. Reminds me,
I must get the horses castrated.
What do you mean by that? Huh?
I said
..what do you mean by that?
Nothing.
Why do your eyes
keep flicking over there?
No, just that's the bridge,
and we need to go over the bridge
and thought I might look
at the bridge.
Henry, the captain's ridden all this
way with orders from the Crown.
Captain? Meaning him? Yeah.
What's
..a harquebus?
A harker
..bus, a harquebus?
Didn't realise there'd be a quiz!
I wish I had time for a quiz.
Is it, A
..a kit bag?
Or, B, an eye injury?
Well, I would always
..go down the path of a harquebus
is
..a kit bag, although I do know
others who would
..say it was an eye injury.
It's a fucking gun,
you daft pillock!
Henry, this is a senior officer.
You're not a senior officer.
Of course he's not
a fucking senior officer!
He's a spy for Cromwell
who's passing himself off
as a senior officer.
Look at him!
Yeah, Henry's Henry's half right.
I'm not a senior officer.
Did you think
I was a senior officer?
Well, yes, because you said
I think there's been
a misunderstanding here,
which has happened
I think twice before,
where I've said I'm a soldier
and people thought
I meant soldier of the King when
actually I meant a soldier of God.
What's a soldier of God?
Witchfinder -
and this is my witch.
And I am transporting her to trial.
Are you? Am I a witch? No.
She says she's not?
Yes. Well, with all due respect,
that's absolute horseshit.
I am a witchfinder.
Thank you.
My hat.
What witches have you found?
What, do you want a list?
Well, Sally Rocastle - Devil's
suckling mark found on inner thigh.
Similar to mole but not mole.
Anna Stewart -
placed hex on a butcher,
causing him to become squeamish
around certain meats.
Margaret Evans -
malevolent attitude slash hunchback.
Eliza Demdike - hens not laying
after she stared at them.
Beth Underwood - unusually hairy.
Paul Underwood -
allows wife to be unusually hairy.
I mean, I could go on.
You go on, then.
Mary Cleaver
I can't read what that says.
And then Thomasine Gooch - killed
a pig using malicious sorcery.
I didn't, though. Mm-hm.
You can go, sweetheart.
What, really? Mm.
You know what I think?
You're a man pretending
not to be a supporter of Cromwell
so he can use our bridge.
Well, a couple of inaccuracies
there.
I'm not a massive
Cromwell chap myself.
I have some jokes about him,
including
What do you call someone
who is an absolute idiot?
Oliver Cromwell.
I have better ones, but in all
of them, the butt of the joke is
- you've guessed it -
Oliver Cromwell.
So, fuck Cromwell.
Yeah, I do sometimes say that.
Say it again, then. Yeah.
Fuck Cromwell.
Louder.
FuckCromwell.
Say it loud.
Fuck Cromwell!
Fuck Cromwell! Fuck Cromwell!
Fuck Cromwell!
Say it with your eyes closed.
Absolutely fuck him!
Fuck his head off!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck Cromwell!
Feed meyour hair!
Feed me
..your hair.
What is she saying?
Feed me your Hair.
Witches don't eat hair.
Feed me your hair.
No, they do.
Witches are very fond of hair.
They sometimes congregate
outside barbershops with spoons.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
Careful, careful.
I said she's a witch.
Got a crude person here
made out of twigs.
She could cast a hex
on any one of you. Back!
It's got four legs,
it's not a person.
Yes, well, witches often see people
as four-legged creatures.
Minimum!
I've seen daubings that depict the
Pope as just a big head on a crab.
Get her out of here.
Off we go, then. Hand.
We have secured the witch.
OK, let's go. Come on. Get her out.
My fucking throat. Yes!
Thank you, Gooch.
I just don't like bullies.
Well, we have to protect each other.
Each other?
I did my bit.
I kept my counsel initially.
Something of a decoy
to create the opportunity which
- to give full credit to you -
you took.
Do you have to tie these
so bloody tight?
Anyone would think
you were tying me up for real.
We'll talk about that once
we're over the bridge.
What's there to talk about?
We'll talk about
what there is to talk about
once we're talking about it.
I saved you
and you won't even let me go?
That is for the court to decide.
But I will be adding a very generous
annotation to your case notes.
But they are still watching,
so keep being witchy.
You can't just annotate
someone's case notes
and say, "Now we're even."
Do it! Before they see! If someone
does something nice for you,
you've got to do something
as nice for them.
Charlie, blow the bridge!
Run!
Argh! Come on. Argh!
And witches don't eat ha-a-ir!
Ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Your stupid hair!
You look like women!
And not young women either -
old ones who complain at markets!
Fucking poodles! Pathetic!
Is that a harquebus?
Fire!
Fire!
Let the boy speak! The poor lad's
petrified. Get him an ale.
Don't be daft, he's only
How old are you?
I'm eight.
Oh, no, fine. Get him an ale!
Describe him again.
Black cloak, black hat,
gingery beard.
Not very tall.
Gingery beard, not very tall.
Bannister?!
Yes, please, Janet.
Well, someone's in a hurry.
You're annoyed we had to
leave the horses. Yes.
Probably still have them if
I'd not been sneezing. Yes.
Are we still going to
get to Cheltenham tonight? No.
Or is it Chelmsford? Yes.
Is Chelmsford
the same as Cheltenham? No.
Is it near Cheltenham? No.
But their names are the same. No.
Both begin with Chel, though.
Well, yes.
Just that one ends with "tenham"
the other ends with "msford". Yes.
Have you ever been to Chelmsford?
Yes.
Have you ever been to Cheltenham?
No. Have you ever been to Charlbury?
No. Is there such a place
as Charlbury? I don't know.