The Wizards of Aus (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Lotus
(loud explosion and screaming) - The prisoners are escaping! - Close the east gate! (horn blowing) - Go, go, go, go, come on, come on! (gate creaking) - What happened there? I said close the east gate.
- What, he blew an F# on the horn, that's the note for the west gate, which we shut, quite well if I do say so myself.
- Wait, wait, what's happening? - No, I didn't blow an F#, I blew a G, thank you very much.
- Well, why'd you blow a G? The east gate's A flat.
- It's A what? - Guys, hold your horses.
- Killin' it.
- Does our main system of communication rely on everybody having perfect pitch? Is that a thing? - Ooh, maybe I did blow an F#.
- I'll blow you in a minute.
- Not a threat you want to follow up on.
- Hang on, no, this is the one for the east gate.
(blows horn) (muffled yelling) - Did you just tell the trebuchet men to fire? - You need to know this.
The entire mixolydian mode has been reserved for siege weaponry.
I vote we remove Horatio from horn blowing duty.
- [Horatio.]
Oh shit, maybe I did blow an F#, sorry, here, here's the one.
(horn blowing) (jazzy saxophone music) - [Kylie.]
Men, all they think about is sex.
- I'm sorry, what? - That was a joke.
Yeah, but seriously, Jack, I need you to focus.
Whether you like it or not, you've become like the figurehead for wizard immigration.
And while I'm really excited to be helping you, I can't help you unless you pay attention.
- I'm sorry, I'm all ears.
And a body too.
Uh, there are guys back home who are literally, just all ears.
They are gross.
- Moving on, you have been here four weeks, have your visa papers come through? - Yeah, yeah, um, oh, no.
One second.
- Okay, what's with the beans? - Uh, well, without magic I don't really know how to cook.
- Yeah, but why not just throw the cans away? - Well, without magic I didn't really know where to put them.
No.
Oh, that's, uh, Bony Tony, he's my yoga instructor.
- Why don't you just recycle the cans? - A recycle? - Yeah, yeah, recycling, it's when you take something that you've used and instead of throwing it away, you turn it into something new.
- Now, who's using magic, you salty dog (chuckles).
- Look, how 'bout I give you an application form for a recycling bin.
Sound good? - Uh, to all my ears, yes.
Just two ears, just the two.
- So, well, how many cans are in that bag, anyway? - Oh, um, let's see.
(cans clanging on the floor) - Lotus.
- Shh! - Oh, what you got there, champ? - Not that it's any of your business, but it's an application form.
- Oh, yeah, what for? - Not that it's any of your concern, but it's for a recycling bin.
- [Sceldrick.]
Oh, what do you need a recycling bin for? - Not that it's, fuck, Skulldrick, just fuck off.
- You know you're magic, right? Just conjure one.
I mean, heck, I'll do it for ya.
Here's your bin.
- No, but that doesn't count.
You don't have to do everything with magic.
- No, but it is more fun.
A bing, bang, bog, head of a dog.
- Stop it! No more dog heads! - Ah, aye, aye, Captain Jack.
A fling, flang, flat, legs of a cat.
Remember Jack, you have to use magic again.
You're the only one that can stop me.
Hocus pocus, dipple docus.
(loud explosion) - [Bony Tony.]
Lotus.
- Not now, Tony.
(grunting) (growling) - Hey, Jack o'lantern, looks like you got a lot of bins.
- Yes, this is rather a lot of bins.
This is an awful lot of bins.
- Yup.
- I'm not gonna let you win.
- Oh, well, I'm not gonna let you bin.
- Stop saying bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin, bin, bin, bin, bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin - [Jack.]
Bin! - Oh, binny, binny, bin, bin, bin.
Binna, binna, binna, bin, bin, bin.
- Bin! Bin.
- Excuse me, mate? - I would like a recycling bin, please.
As you can see, the forms are as filled out as a busty beauty's bra.
- Yeah, nice one, mate, unfortunately, this is Planning, you need Sanitation.
Off you trot.
- [Jack.]
Bin please! - No, this is Sanitation.
You need Sustainability.
(Jack growling) - Have you tried Planning? - Oh, g'day there, matey-pataty, what are you doing there? G'day, Cath.
Um, Cath, that's mine.
Bloody, Cath.
Bloody, Cath.
- [Terry.]
Jack? - Terry? Oh, my God, I didn't know you crossed realms.
- Well, the wife and I heard about what you did and we thought, well, we'll give it a crack.
- Wow, and you have a job, congratulations.
- Oh, it's nothing special but I got a school to put through school.
It's better than nothing.
What brings you here, Jack? - Oh, I'm just trying to apply for a recycling bin but this place has proven to be a bit of a labyrinth.
And I say that as someone who used to live in a labyrinth.
- Yeah, I know, you're old flat mate told me.
- Jared, that bloody nunce.
- Look, I would love to help, mate, but it's really not my department, sorry.
- It's okay, it's fine.
But thanks.
It's good to see you.
- G'day, Terry, bloody Terry-fying, eh? (laughing) - Nice shark in the dark.
- Bloody, fishy fuck.
- Has a wife, mate.
He's just a bit of a hammerhead, 'cause you hammer her and she gives you head, mate.
Oh.
(Terry mock laughing) - Hey, mate, when she's on the rag do you bloody just go into a feeding frenzy, mate? Ah, just joshin' with you, mate, just playing around, just playing around.
- G'day Jaws, how's your jaw? You're a shark, we're boys.
- Mate, we grew here.
You flew here, except you swam, 'cause you're a bloody fish.
(laughing) - All right, guys, you've had your fun.
- Just having a laugh, mate, just having a laugh.
- Bloody blood out your gills, Terry, eh? Been growing around the gills? Adam, bloody, Gilchrist.
- Ricky, bloody, Ponting.
- Yeah, Ricky Ponting, um - [Man in pink shirt.]
Cricket.
- Come on, boys, let's leave bloody Megaladon Brad Miller, leave him to do some work.
- Yeah, mate, just joshin' around, just playing, mate.
- See you later, chum.
- What did you just say? - Chum.
- What do you mean, chum? - Chum, fisherman use chum to attract sharks.
- I didn't know that, that's really interesting.
- Good fact, good fact.
- Thanks.
- See you tonight, mate.
Don't bloody flake on us.
- Yeah, minimum chips, mate, don't you bloody forget.
- You piece of shit! - (sighs) Back at the bureaucrats, I'm gonna help you get your bin.
But first, just tell me one thing, why are you doing this? I mean, look at me, I'm employed, I have a job, I have as much right to be here as any of these other guys, but do you think I'm gonna be treated the same? No.
Will I get any respect? No.
Will the harassment ever end? No.
(sighs) They're never gonna look past what I am, Jack.
And the same goes for you.
Remember that.
- Well, I hope you're wrong, Terry, for both our sakes.
But thanks anyway, man.
You're one of the good ones.
- Mate, you like that, mate? Does it remind you of home, mate? Mate? Matey-pataty? Bloody potato chips, bloody fish and chips, mate? Mate? - [Terry.]
I know it's polite but I really appreciate the moisture.
- Mate, mate, mate! (whimsical music) - [Kylie.]
Knock, knock.
- Hey, Kylie, what are you doing here? - Terry told me about the day that you had.
Congratulations, she's a beauty.
- So are you.
- What? - Nothing, I - Moving on, I have brought you a little gift.
- Oh, um, thanks.
Oh, it's um, it's garbage, what a treat.
- Yeah, well, I thought we could Christen your new bin together.
- Okie-dokes.
Hey! Yea.
- [Kylie.]
Yea.
- Uh, look, can I get you something? I just learned how to use a kettle, so I could offer you some hot water, but by hot water I mean hot snakes.
- Tea would be nice.
- Uh, wasn't an option, but, okay tea! Tea, tea, tea.
- [Kylie.]
Tea.
- [Jack.]
Snakes is spelled with an "S," though.
(screaming) - Lotus.
(gentle music)
- What, he blew an F# on the horn, that's the note for the west gate, which we shut, quite well if I do say so myself.
- Wait, wait, what's happening? - No, I didn't blow an F#, I blew a G, thank you very much.
- Well, why'd you blow a G? The east gate's A flat.
- It's A what? - Guys, hold your horses.
- Killin' it.
- Does our main system of communication rely on everybody having perfect pitch? Is that a thing? - Ooh, maybe I did blow an F#.
- I'll blow you in a minute.
- Not a threat you want to follow up on.
- Hang on, no, this is the one for the east gate.
(blows horn) (muffled yelling) - Did you just tell the trebuchet men to fire? - You need to know this.
The entire mixolydian mode has been reserved for siege weaponry.
I vote we remove Horatio from horn blowing duty.
- [Horatio.]
Oh shit, maybe I did blow an F#, sorry, here, here's the one.
(horn blowing) (jazzy saxophone music) - [Kylie.]
Men, all they think about is sex.
- I'm sorry, what? - That was a joke.
Yeah, but seriously, Jack, I need you to focus.
Whether you like it or not, you've become like the figurehead for wizard immigration.
And while I'm really excited to be helping you, I can't help you unless you pay attention.
- I'm sorry, I'm all ears.
And a body too.
Uh, there are guys back home who are literally, just all ears.
They are gross.
- Moving on, you have been here four weeks, have your visa papers come through? - Yeah, yeah, um, oh, no.
One second.
- Okay, what's with the beans? - Uh, well, without magic I don't really know how to cook.
- Yeah, but why not just throw the cans away? - Well, without magic I didn't really know where to put them.
No.
Oh, that's, uh, Bony Tony, he's my yoga instructor.
- Why don't you just recycle the cans? - A recycle? - Yeah, yeah, recycling, it's when you take something that you've used and instead of throwing it away, you turn it into something new.
- Now, who's using magic, you salty dog (chuckles).
- Look, how 'bout I give you an application form for a recycling bin.
Sound good? - Uh, to all my ears, yes.
Just two ears, just the two.
- So, well, how many cans are in that bag, anyway? - Oh, um, let's see.
(cans clanging on the floor) - Lotus.
- Shh! - Oh, what you got there, champ? - Not that it's any of your business, but it's an application form.
- Oh, yeah, what for? - Not that it's any of your concern, but it's for a recycling bin.
- [Sceldrick.]
Oh, what do you need a recycling bin for? - Not that it's, fuck, Skulldrick, just fuck off.
- You know you're magic, right? Just conjure one.
I mean, heck, I'll do it for ya.
Here's your bin.
- No, but that doesn't count.
You don't have to do everything with magic.
- No, but it is more fun.
A bing, bang, bog, head of a dog.
- Stop it! No more dog heads! - Ah, aye, aye, Captain Jack.
A fling, flang, flat, legs of a cat.
Remember Jack, you have to use magic again.
You're the only one that can stop me.
Hocus pocus, dipple docus.
(loud explosion) - [Bony Tony.]
Lotus.
- Not now, Tony.
(grunting) (growling) - Hey, Jack o'lantern, looks like you got a lot of bins.
- Yes, this is rather a lot of bins.
This is an awful lot of bins.
- Yup.
- I'm not gonna let you win.
- Oh, well, I'm not gonna let you bin.
- Stop saying bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin.
- Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin, bin, bin, bin, bin.
- [Jack.]
Bin! - Bin - [Jack.]
Bin! - Oh, binny, binny, bin, bin, bin.
Binna, binna, binna, bin, bin, bin.
- Bin! Bin.
- Excuse me, mate? - I would like a recycling bin, please.
As you can see, the forms are as filled out as a busty beauty's bra.
- Yeah, nice one, mate, unfortunately, this is Planning, you need Sanitation.
Off you trot.
- [Jack.]
Bin please! - No, this is Sanitation.
You need Sustainability.
(Jack growling) - Have you tried Planning? - Oh, g'day there, matey-pataty, what are you doing there? G'day, Cath.
Um, Cath, that's mine.
Bloody, Cath.
Bloody, Cath.
- [Terry.]
Jack? - Terry? Oh, my God, I didn't know you crossed realms.
- Well, the wife and I heard about what you did and we thought, well, we'll give it a crack.
- Wow, and you have a job, congratulations.
- Oh, it's nothing special but I got a school to put through school.
It's better than nothing.
What brings you here, Jack? - Oh, I'm just trying to apply for a recycling bin but this place has proven to be a bit of a labyrinth.
And I say that as someone who used to live in a labyrinth.
- Yeah, I know, you're old flat mate told me.
- Jared, that bloody nunce.
- Look, I would love to help, mate, but it's really not my department, sorry.
- It's okay, it's fine.
But thanks.
It's good to see you.
- G'day, Terry, bloody Terry-fying, eh? (laughing) - Nice shark in the dark.
- Bloody, fishy fuck.
- Has a wife, mate.
He's just a bit of a hammerhead, 'cause you hammer her and she gives you head, mate.
Oh.
(Terry mock laughing) - Hey, mate, when she's on the rag do you bloody just go into a feeding frenzy, mate? Ah, just joshin' with you, mate, just playing around, just playing around.
- G'day Jaws, how's your jaw? You're a shark, we're boys.
- Mate, we grew here.
You flew here, except you swam, 'cause you're a bloody fish.
(laughing) - All right, guys, you've had your fun.
- Just having a laugh, mate, just having a laugh.
- Bloody blood out your gills, Terry, eh? Been growing around the gills? Adam, bloody, Gilchrist.
- Ricky, bloody, Ponting.
- Yeah, Ricky Ponting, um - [Man in pink shirt.]
Cricket.
- Come on, boys, let's leave bloody Megaladon Brad Miller, leave him to do some work.
- Yeah, mate, just joshin' around, just playing, mate.
- See you later, chum.
- What did you just say? - Chum.
- What do you mean, chum? - Chum, fisherman use chum to attract sharks.
- I didn't know that, that's really interesting.
- Good fact, good fact.
- Thanks.
- See you tonight, mate.
Don't bloody flake on us.
- Yeah, minimum chips, mate, don't you bloody forget.
- You piece of shit! - (sighs) Back at the bureaucrats, I'm gonna help you get your bin.
But first, just tell me one thing, why are you doing this? I mean, look at me, I'm employed, I have a job, I have as much right to be here as any of these other guys, but do you think I'm gonna be treated the same? No.
Will I get any respect? No.
Will the harassment ever end? No.
(sighs) They're never gonna look past what I am, Jack.
And the same goes for you.
Remember that.
- Well, I hope you're wrong, Terry, for both our sakes.
But thanks anyway, man.
You're one of the good ones.
- Mate, you like that, mate? Does it remind you of home, mate? Mate? Matey-pataty? Bloody potato chips, bloody fish and chips, mate? Mate? - [Terry.]
I know it's polite but I really appreciate the moisture.
- Mate, mate, mate! (whimsical music) - [Kylie.]
Knock, knock.
- Hey, Kylie, what are you doing here? - Terry told me about the day that you had.
Congratulations, she's a beauty.
- So are you.
- What? - Nothing, I - Moving on, I have brought you a little gift.
- Oh, um, thanks.
Oh, it's um, it's garbage, what a treat.
- Yeah, well, I thought we could Christen your new bin together.
- Okie-dokes.
Hey! Yea.
- [Kylie.]
Yea.
- Uh, look, can I get you something? I just learned how to use a kettle, so I could offer you some hot water, but by hot water I mean hot snakes.
- Tea would be nice.
- Uh, wasn't an option, but, okay tea! Tea, tea, tea.
- [Kylie.]
Tea.
- [Jack.]
Snakes is spelled with an "S," though.
(screaming) - Lotus.
(gentle music)