The Wonder Years s01e02 Episode Script
Swingers
- We live in confusing times.
- Times of change and of disagreement.
There are those who will say that Brian Cooper was a man who died defending his country and there are those who will say that he was a child who died in vain! Brian Cooper was the first person I ever knew who wasn't old who died.
I guess we all had that moment where we realized that even somebody who was basically a kid can cease to exist, and we're never the same after that We must have faith that none of Gods children die in vain! But it wasn't just Brian's death that had changed me.
It was also Brian's sister.
I hadn't seen Winnie since the night we'd kissed in the woods but I hadn't been able to think about anything else.
- But through all the change there is one thing that remains constant and eternal and can never die, and that is the human soul.
Oh no, the Jell-O salad isn't set.
Here Kevin you take the ham.
Like women all over America my mother confronted tragedy and death with cold ham and Jell-O salad.
The little marshmallows are just swimming in there.
Come on Norma, lets just go.
Let me put some ice cubes in, it will take 5 minutes.
You've got the ham.
You don't need to bring the Jell-O too.
Five minutes, just give me five minutes.
The rest of us had other ways of dealing with our grief.
But I for one was a wreck.
I would think about Brian and I feel almost sick to my stomach and then I would think about Winnie and the thrill would pass through my 12 year old body like the wind through the trees.
Life's two greatest forces, love and death, were tearing me apart, at the waist.
Come on, mom.
Lets go! Well here I was at Brian's funeral and Winnie was nowhere to be seen.
I felt sort of weird though, I mean what was I going to do if I saw her? Ask her to dance? Kevin, take this plate of food over and try and get Winnie to eat something.
She really needs her old friends right now, go on.
- Hi! - Hi! Hi, my mom wanted me to give this to you.
Thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
Yeah, you should eat though.
Something.
What was she thinking? What was I thinking? I was so confused, she was so close I wanted to grab her, take her in my arms, feel her - Try the ham.
- OK.
Oh God, I was an animal! Watching her eat the ham, I felt, how could I be having these feelings? Did it show? Could people see through me?! What would Brian think? - So! You're at my funeral and all you can think about is in my little sister.
Of course he would think I was scum! Your a man after my own heart.
Wait a minute, that's right, Brian wasn't like that.
Kev, Kev, Kev! Not now give her a little time.
- The female reproductive system! Among the many great historical milestones of 1968, perhaps the greatest was the advent of sex education in the schools.
Now, if I hear any giggling, if I see any smirking, this class is over.
Do you read me people? Over! Now, the female reproductive organs looks like this Unfortunately it looked more like a cows head to me.
Now, who can tell me what these are? - Yes.
- The ears? Apparently I wasn't alone! The ovaries.
The ears would be up here.
Why don't you draw the whole lady? So we know where everything goes.
All right.
Suddenly it became very clear why Mr Cutlip had never been married.
Any man who saw women that way would have no reason to.
Now, the ovaries of course are the site of ovulation! As Mr Cutlip went on, one fact became increasingly evident, sex, in the hands of public educators is not a pretty thing! And that in a nutshell is the story of ovulation.
Questions! - Yes.
- When do we start football? All right, I am going to hand out your textbooks now, "Health and Human Sexuality.
" Textbooks! For Wednesday people, you will read chapters 1 and 2.
Do not read ahead, repeat do not read ahead! Chapter 14, the human reproductive system.
Telling us not to read ahead was like telling a pack of wolves to stay away from red meat.
- What's the matter Arnold.
Are you horny? - Yeah, I think Arnolds horny! Shut up you guys! - Oh my God! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi! What are you doing? Nothing.
When are you coming back to school? Monday.
But, maybe we could do something tomorrow.
I mean, if you want? Yeah, I mean, sure.
If you want.
Well, I'm going to my uncles in the morning but I'll be back around three.
- Come on, Kev, lets go! OK, well bye.
See you tomorrow.
- OK, bye.
- Bye.
And thusly a women's anatomical construction is fantastically adaptive to the needs of a what's that word? Burgeoning.
To the needs of a burgeoning human life.
This stuff's not that good.
Well, we could look up burgeoning.
But we had already looked up pre-natal and amniotic fluid, and it was clear we were barking up the wrong tree.
- Working on your sex education I see.
Not sure you boys are old enough for this.
Give it back, Wayne.
I'll tell you what you guys should do, you should get a real book.
A real book? - Yeah, you should get "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask".
There's a book called that? Yeah sure, it was a best seller, just go to a bookstore.
Well, have you read it? No, I don't have to.
The great ones go on instinct.
Oh, yeah! Instinct.
I go on instinct too.
Instinctively, we went to the bookstore first thing the next morning.
Holy mackerel! You idiot! What? That was it.
Didn't you see it? Of course I saw it.
But we can't just rush in and grab one.
Why not? Why not? Because he'll think were perverts that's "Why not".
Well, what do you want to do? We've got to look around, get some other stuff.
Clean stuff.
Here this looks good.
Ivanhoe? Sure, lets get one of these "War and Peace's" too.
OK.
Right.
Now we get the sex book.
All right, now put it on the bottom and the guy will never even notice what it is, maybe.
It's a lady! Forget it, we've gotta go.
No! I'd known Paul since he was 36 hours old and never before had I seen that kind of fire in his eyes.
Buy those books and act casual.
What are you crazy?! This was going too far.
I was a pervert, not a felon.
Kevin, it's everything you always wanted to know about sex.
Everything! I'd like to buy these.
It's pretty advanced reading for a boy of your age.
Thanks, OK, it'll be seven ninety-five.
Thanks! Bye Hey, there's 20 dollars here! It was about two miles from the bookstore to my house, we made it in just under four seconds.
Come on, take it out.
- Kevin, lunch.
- Oh, no! Maybe I should stay here.
To watch the book.
Paul! Kevin, slow down, your going to make yourself sick.
You done yet? Paul! You just left, you couldn't possibly have gone all the way home.
I couldn't? Mom, can I be excused? - No, you may not be excused, now just sit down and finish your lunch.
Don't forget its your day to do the dishes.
We had about fifty dishes, we did them in just under four seconds! - It's gone! - It's gone.
Oh my God! My parents! No, wait, we'd stolen it.
Of course, the pretty lady, the police! Wayne! Oh, looking for this? Gimme that, you jerk! I don't know.
Think I'm going to have to preview this for you boys.
It's hard to know just how it happened but suddenly at that moment with an intensity that no one in that room had previously thought possible impotent rage became potent! Sort of Wayne still out weighed me by a good 30 pounds! What's the matter with you!? What is going on in here? Oh my God! Uh, Paul, I think you better go home now.
Well, you gotta give Paul credit for trying! What are you boys doing with this book? Don't ask me.
Kevin got it.
Kevin? Is that true? Yes.
Wayne, go outside.
Kids! I know! Kevin, I am so disappointed in you.
At that moment I felt like the lowest thing on earth.
I was a pervert, a thief, a sneak, I had always been here sweet innocent little boy but at that moment my mother couldn't even bare to look me in the eye.
It's not so much your reading this book! But what were you doing in my dresser drawers anyway? I guess my mother figured out her mistake pretty quickly because I never heard from either of my parents on that topic again.
We seemed to have a tacit understanding that they wouldn't mention my book, if I wouldn't mention theirs! When Winnie got back from her uncles we went for a walk in the park.
Neither of us said a word about it of course, but we both knew the park was where you went to make out.
As we approached the baseball field, I started to sweat, nearing first base, second base, third! - Lets cut across the outfield - OK.
I didn't know what to do, our first kiss had happened so naturally I couldn't even remember how I did it! Did I, did I breathe through my mouth or my nose? Well I had to make some kinda move - There was a bug on you.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Some move! Well, there was no turning back now.
We were here.
So, what do you wanna do? I don't know.
What do you wanna do? I don't know.
What do you wanna do? I don't know The moment stretched out so unbearably.
I thought we'd both explode! It was clear we were both stalling.
We knew what we were here to do.
We both wanted it, one of us just had to come out and say it! Do you wanna go on the swings? Yeah, sure.
And in the end that's as far as Winnie and I went that day, maybe we both felt we'd come too far too fast.
Maybe we both realized that growing up doesn't have to be so much a straight line as a series of advances and retreats.
Maybe we just felt like swinging.
But what ever it was, Winnie and I made an unspoken pact that day to stay kids for a little while longer.
Taurus Mind
- Times of change and of disagreement.
There are those who will say that Brian Cooper was a man who died defending his country and there are those who will say that he was a child who died in vain! Brian Cooper was the first person I ever knew who wasn't old who died.
I guess we all had that moment where we realized that even somebody who was basically a kid can cease to exist, and we're never the same after that We must have faith that none of Gods children die in vain! But it wasn't just Brian's death that had changed me.
It was also Brian's sister.
I hadn't seen Winnie since the night we'd kissed in the woods but I hadn't been able to think about anything else.
- But through all the change there is one thing that remains constant and eternal and can never die, and that is the human soul.
Oh no, the Jell-O salad isn't set.
Here Kevin you take the ham.
Like women all over America my mother confronted tragedy and death with cold ham and Jell-O salad.
The little marshmallows are just swimming in there.
Come on Norma, lets just go.
Let me put some ice cubes in, it will take 5 minutes.
You've got the ham.
You don't need to bring the Jell-O too.
Five minutes, just give me five minutes.
The rest of us had other ways of dealing with our grief.
But I for one was a wreck.
I would think about Brian and I feel almost sick to my stomach and then I would think about Winnie and the thrill would pass through my 12 year old body like the wind through the trees.
Life's two greatest forces, love and death, were tearing me apart, at the waist.
Come on, mom.
Lets go! Well here I was at Brian's funeral and Winnie was nowhere to be seen.
I felt sort of weird though, I mean what was I going to do if I saw her? Ask her to dance? Kevin, take this plate of food over and try and get Winnie to eat something.
She really needs her old friends right now, go on.
- Hi! - Hi! Hi, my mom wanted me to give this to you.
Thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
Yeah, you should eat though.
Something.
What was she thinking? What was I thinking? I was so confused, she was so close I wanted to grab her, take her in my arms, feel her - Try the ham.
- OK.
Oh God, I was an animal! Watching her eat the ham, I felt, how could I be having these feelings? Did it show? Could people see through me?! What would Brian think? - So! You're at my funeral and all you can think about is in my little sister.
Of course he would think I was scum! Your a man after my own heart.
Wait a minute, that's right, Brian wasn't like that.
Kev, Kev, Kev! Not now give her a little time.
- The female reproductive system! Among the many great historical milestones of 1968, perhaps the greatest was the advent of sex education in the schools.
Now, if I hear any giggling, if I see any smirking, this class is over.
Do you read me people? Over! Now, the female reproductive organs looks like this Unfortunately it looked more like a cows head to me.
Now, who can tell me what these are? - Yes.
- The ears? Apparently I wasn't alone! The ovaries.
The ears would be up here.
Why don't you draw the whole lady? So we know where everything goes.
All right.
Suddenly it became very clear why Mr Cutlip had never been married.
Any man who saw women that way would have no reason to.
Now, the ovaries of course are the site of ovulation! As Mr Cutlip went on, one fact became increasingly evident, sex, in the hands of public educators is not a pretty thing! And that in a nutshell is the story of ovulation.
Questions! - Yes.
- When do we start football? All right, I am going to hand out your textbooks now, "Health and Human Sexuality.
" Textbooks! For Wednesday people, you will read chapters 1 and 2.
Do not read ahead, repeat do not read ahead! Chapter 14, the human reproductive system.
Telling us not to read ahead was like telling a pack of wolves to stay away from red meat.
- What's the matter Arnold.
Are you horny? - Yeah, I think Arnolds horny! Shut up you guys! - Oh my God! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi! What are you doing? Nothing.
When are you coming back to school? Monday.
But, maybe we could do something tomorrow.
I mean, if you want? Yeah, I mean, sure.
If you want.
Well, I'm going to my uncles in the morning but I'll be back around three.
- Come on, Kev, lets go! OK, well bye.
See you tomorrow.
- OK, bye.
- Bye.
And thusly a women's anatomical construction is fantastically adaptive to the needs of a what's that word? Burgeoning.
To the needs of a burgeoning human life.
This stuff's not that good.
Well, we could look up burgeoning.
But we had already looked up pre-natal and amniotic fluid, and it was clear we were barking up the wrong tree.
- Working on your sex education I see.
Not sure you boys are old enough for this.
Give it back, Wayne.
I'll tell you what you guys should do, you should get a real book.
A real book? - Yeah, you should get "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask".
There's a book called that? Yeah sure, it was a best seller, just go to a bookstore.
Well, have you read it? No, I don't have to.
The great ones go on instinct.
Oh, yeah! Instinct.
I go on instinct too.
Instinctively, we went to the bookstore first thing the next morning.
Holy mackerel! You idiot! What? That was it.
Didn't you see it? Of course I saw it.
But we can't just rush in and grab one.
Why not? Why not? Because he'll think were perverts that's "Why not".
Well, what do you want to do? We've got to look around, get some other stuff.
Clean stuff.
Here this looks good.
Ivanhoe? Sure, lets get one of these "War and Peace's" too.
OK.
Right.
Now we get the sex book.
All right, now put it on the bottom and the guy will never even notice what it is, maybe.
It's a lady! Forget it, we've gotta go.
No! I'd known Paul since he was 36 hours old and never before had I seen that kind of fire in his eyes.
Buy those books and act casual.
What are you crazy?! This was going too far.
I was a pervert, not a felon.
Kevin, it's everything you always wanted to know about sex.
Everything! I'd like to buy these.
It's pretty advanced reading for a boy of your age.
Thanks, OK, it'll be seven ninety-five.
Thanks! Bye Hey, there's 20 dollars here! It was about two miles from the bookstore to my house, we made it in just under four seconds.
Come on, take it out.
- Kevin, lunch.
- Oh, no! Maybe I should stay here.
To watch the book.
Paul! Kevin, slow down, your going to make yourself sick.
You done yet? Paul! You just left, you couldn't possibly have gone all the way home.
I couldn't? Mom, can I be excused? - No, you may not be excused, now just sit down and finish your lunch.
Don't forget its your day to do the dishes.
We had about fifty dishes, we did them in just under four seconds! - It's gone! - It's gone.
Oh my God! My parents! No, wait, we'd stolen it.
Of course, the pretty lady, the police! Wayne! Oh, looking for this? Gimme that, you jerk! I don't know.
Think I'm going to have to preview this for you boys.
It's hard to know just how it happened but suddenly at that moment with an intensity that no one in that room had previously thought possible impotent rage became potent! Sort of Wayne still out weighed me by a good 30 pounds! What's the matter with you!? What is going on in here? Oh my God! Uh, Paul, I think you better go home now.
Well, you gotta give Paul credit for trying! What are you boys doing with this book? Don't ask me.
Kevin got it.
Kevin? Is that true? Yes.
Wayne, go outside.
Kids! I know! Kevin, I am so disappointed in you.
At that moment I felt like the lowest thing on earth.
I was a pervert, a thief, a sneak, I had always been here sweet innocent little boy but at that moment my mother couldn't even bare to look me in the eye.
It's not so much your reading this book! But what were you doing in my dresser drawers anyway? I guess my mother figured out her mistake pretty quickly because I never heard from either of my parents on that topic again.
We seemed to have a tacit understanding that they wouldn't mention my book, if I wouldn't mention theirs! When Winnie got back from her uncles we went for a walk in the park.
Neither of us said a word about it of course, but we both knew the park was where you went to make out.
As we approached the baseball field, I started to sweat, nearing first base, second base, third! - Lets cut across the outfield - OK.
I didn't know what to do, our first kiss had happened so naturally I couldn't even remember how I did it! Did I, did I breathe through my mouth or my nose? Well I had to make some kinda move - There was a bug on you.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Some move! Well, there was no turning back now.
We were here.
So, what do you wanna do? I don't know.
What do you wanna do? I don't know.
What do you wanna do? I don't know The moment stretched out so unbearably.
I thought we'd both explode! It was clear we were both stalling.
We knew what we were here to do.
We both wanted it, one of us just had to come out and say it! Do you wanna go on the swings? Yeah, sure.
And in the end that's as far as Winnie and I went that day, maybe we both felt we'd come too far too fast.
Maybe we both realized that growing up doesn't have to be so much a straight line as a series of advances and retreats.
Maybe we just felt like swinging.
But what ever it was, Winnie and I made an unspoken pact that day to stay kids for a little while longer.
Taurus Mind