Them from That Thing (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 You're late.
Sorry, Mum, I wasn't expecting the meeting to be here.
I didn't want our conversation to be overheard.
Well, I don't think there's much danger of that.
And I certainly didn't come here to listen to your impertinence.
I need you to do something for me, something that requires the utmost discretion.
Right.
I need you to cover for Steven tomorrow afternoon.
He's got an appointment, with the dentist.
Little bald Stevie in the warehouse? I don't know any other Stevens who work for the organisation.
Do you? By organisation, you mean the Romford Argos? Yes, the organisation, Argos.
So, do you think you're up to the job? Yeah, if you like.
Well, once again, it looks like it's down to you to get the department out of a fix, doesn't it, James? Barry.
What? I'm Barry.
Which one's James? Harelip.
Pig tattoo.
Oh, I meant to ask James.
Yeah, I'm getting that.
Well, what are you waiting for? The shop opens in35 minutes.
Are you staying up here, then? Yes, I've got the afternoon off.
I'm going to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my sister.
I thought I said.
You didn't mention it, no.
OK, OK.
Right, office admin and whatnot meeting.
It's been a while, so lots to get through, lots on the old agenda-roo.
Could take a while.
Let's kick off with item one - planned layout of the fourth floor.
Any thoughts? Yeah, I'm worried I'll be sitting right next to the men's toilets.
Could I have a wall or divide, or just swap with Martin? but I will put it at the end of the agenda.
"Duncan's arm on fire.
"Possible action.
" Kelly? So I was thinking Oh, it's really hot! Duncan, I am speaking.
Duncan, please! Kelly, we will look into it for you.
Next - Jeff's leaving do.
Back to the Steakhouse again? All those in favour? You two haven't raised your hands.
I don't like the napkins.
My skin's starting to bubble up.
I'm worried if I lift it, it'll run down my arm like a meat lava.
But you don't mind the Steakhouse? It's fine.
It's hard to find anywhere good these days.
The Japanese place could be fun.
Oh, I look like a fleshy Aero! Great.
Sushi it is.
Next - new email system.
Teething problems, I think.
It's not that bad, Duncan.
We'll get used to it.
Great.
Next.
Hang on, I haven't used it yet.
What's it like? Does it make emails look bigger? Cos mine are really small.
Do you want me to give you a run-through? I really don't know.
It's hard to think when I'm in so much pain.
Sorry, gotta take this.
Let's meet up again at four to go through the rest.
What about the? Can it wait till four? OK.
That'd be great.
It's definitely on the agenda.
Keith, sorry about that, was in a meeting.
Not now.
How are you? Absolutely not.
Oh, my God, Tom! Oh, my God! I got here as quick as I could.
It's going to be OK, OK? I'm here now.
Can you hear me? It's Kate.
Oh, God.
Hello, Kate.
Oh, my God, Tom.
You sound awful.
But don't you worry, we'll get you better, OK? I'm here now.
If there's anything you need, anything I can do, you just say, OK? Pull me off.
What? Can you pull me off? Jesus, Tom! When I said "anything" You don't understand, Kate.
It's like the world's worst itch that I can't scratch.
It's driving me crazy.
Please.
If you could do anything for me Can you pull me off? Tom! That's done now, so Kate, is that you? Tom? Kate, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Sorry about the panicky call.
Turns out it's just a sprain, so we can go home now.
Oh, great! Who's this? I don't know.
He was just asking directions.
Mrs Morrison, can you explain exactly how you discovered this new number? Oh, it's simple, really.
I was trying to calculate how many rabbits my second husband Craig had suffocated and it doesn't matter how many times I add it up, every time the answer is always this.
And how much is that? It's somewhere between six and seven, which is strange, because I know for a fact that my second husband Craig has suffocated more than 400 rabbits.
Why is your husband suffocating rabbits? Oh, I don't know.
You'll have to ask him.
Craig? Craig, the television is wanting to talk to you.
What? I'll just start with a few questions.
How long have you had this fear of flying? Well, I travel a lot with my job and, to be honest, it started as something I can handle, but it's been getting a lot worse recently.
Shame.
But, I have to be honest, I'm not sure this whole hypnotherapy thing will work for me.
OK.
The first thing I like to tell my patients is that it's nothing like the stuff that you see on TV.
I'm not about to suddenly make you want to dry-hump a mop whenever you hear Candle In The Wind.
Well, that's reassuring.
What I'll do is calmly count down from five, put you into light sleep, I'm going to suggest some coping mechanisms to deal with your fear, and then I'm going to gently wake you up with a light click of my fingers.
Great.
OK.
Five, four, three All done! And you're back in the land of the living.
The initial session fee will be £250, please.
What? But you haven't done anything.
Most patients feel a little disorientated after their first session.
That's £250.
I'm not going to give you any money.
You haven't done anything! And sleep.
Apologies.
Just a little joke I like to play on my new patients.
This is actually my PA, Cathy.
I think I let it go on a little too long.
Sorry.
Now, when I click my fingers, you will come out from your sleep feeling wonderful and you won't remember anything to do with being a hypnotherapist.
Oh, where am I? I feel wonderful.
You're in my office, Cathy.
You've just had a little sleep.
Everything's fine.
This is my office.
I'm the hypnotherapist.
Taking longer than usual to come out of it.
Nothing to worry about.
No, no.
Iamthe hypnotherapist.
No, you're really not, Cathy.
Can you tell her? Cathy, I-I-I'm afraid he's telling you the truth.
He's right, Cathy.
Maybe I've been playing this trick a little too often on you recently.
Doctor, is that you? - Yes, Cathy, it's me.
- No, it's not.
Hello, baby.
Apologies.
It's just a little joke I like to play on all my new patients.
He's actually my PA, Donald.
Ahhh! Ooh! You like that.
Just relax.
Just relax.
You can watch from there.
And it seems to me You lived your life Like a candle in the wind Never knowing who to cling to Sorry to interrupt.
Can I just say how sorry I am for your loss? Oh, thank you so much.
Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
Janice.
But my friends call me Ball Buster.
Well, thank you very much for coming to pay your respects, Janice.
Please.
Ball Buster.
Thanks so much, Ball Buster.
Least I can do.
Bless you.
Quick question.
How would you feel if, after everyone's had a squizz, and before you shut the box, I had his shoes? I'm sorry? You know, before you seal him up, I thought I could just nip in there, take his shoes and socks.
I'm sorry, how did you know Adam? Who? Let's be honest, he's not going to need them now, is he? Unless he's coming back as a zombie! OK, too soon.
It's just I'm sure those shoes would fit my boyfriend a treat.
Your what? All right, fair play.
Technically, he's not my boyfriend.
It is early days.
Spider would have a shit-fit if he heard me call him that.
Let's say fuck buddy.
OK.
OK, I think you should probably just leave.
What is your problem? You after the shoes as well? Tough tits, love.
I've got first dibs.
Go! Look what you've gone and done.
She's in tears.
No, no, no.
It's fine, OK? We don't want to stress you out.
After all, it is your big day.
But, you know what, have a think.
If you change your mind, just give us a bell, all right? And as I said before, I'd never seen anything like it.
We're having to turn waiting rooms into operating theatres.
There's more than 125 casualties now, with more arriving all the time.
Dr Reynolds, thank you for that update.
Actually, Doctor, since you're there, I wonder, could I get your advice on something? Yes? I've got this, well, thing.
I don't know what you'd call it.
Not a growth.
It's a sort of, well, like a bruise, but, like, really, on my stomach.
What could that be? I don't know.
Not without looking at it.
Right, well, I didn't want to do this on TV, but if you think it's best.
Here's the bugger.
Ooh, looks a bit more angry than this morning.
I've had it a couple of weeks now.
My wife tells me I should go and see a doctor, but I'm busy doing this every day.
It's rolling news, you can't just take the morning off.
How would you describe it, Helen? I should probably do this, now.
Thank you, Doctor, for talking to us at this very difficult time.
Is there an emergency number? There's the Maidstone Police Hotline.
Yes, thank you, Dr Reynolds, at this difficult time.
Here it is in a size 40.
Fits really well, actually.
Right length in the sleeve.
Colour really suits you.
Not many guys can pull this off, but you look really good in it.
Really good.
I'm not sure.
No, no, you look really great in it.
I mean, really great.
I mean, I'd definitely fuck you in that.
Oh? Yeah.
Definitely.
Definitely fuck you in that.
Hey, Jess? Yeah? You'd fuck him in this, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.
Take it off a minute.
No, you see, now I wouldn't fuck you.
No.
Not in a million years.
I shouldn't say this, but when you walked in here, I was like, "There's a guy I would not fuck.
Not ever.
" Eww.
But with it on, I mean, I'd definitely fuck you in that.
I'd definitely fuck you in that, too.
Yeah, we'd definitely both fuck you in that.
At the same time.
Definitely.
Right, well Of course, you'd have to buy it first.
Yeah, of course you'd have to buy it first.
Receipt's in the bag.
I think I'll wear it now.
Well? Yes? Oh, you didn't actually think we'd fuck you in that, did you? Oh, you did, didn't you? You actually thought we'd fuck you in that.
However nice it is It doesn't cover your ugly face.
It's a jacket, not a balaclava.
Though we do sell balaclavas.
Now, I would definitely fuck you in that.
How much is it? Ain't going to talk, pal? Well, why don't you take a few hours to cool down? Take a few hours to cool down! That's rubbish.
Bet it took him hours to think of that one.
Well, how about, "Why don't you take a few hours to chill out?" That's stronger than cool down, isn't it? No, that's not it.
Where's the wow factor? You want something that's going to blow people's tits off.
OK, OK.
So, what are the points we are trying to get to here? We got, A, that he's left matey in here to get him to talk, and B, it's cold.
I mean, that it, isn't it? I mean, that's the Venn diagram.
Ahem.
You'll talk or else.
This is snow joke.
Snow joke? Snow joke? Where's the fucking snow coming from? I don't know.
Snow, freezers.
It's all linked, isn't it? It's all the same world.
Or how about, "Not speaking, are you? "Well, this is what happens when you take the piste.
" Piste? Piste? We're in a meat locker, not the Alps.
We've not heard you come up with anything.
I've got loads of brilliant ones.
I just don't want to say them, that's all.
Go on, do one.
Do one good one now.
I've got something.
Yeah, ssh, Bob.
William's got one.
Go on, William, shoot.
OK.
Cool, Coolio, Cool Runnings, Cool-ey Culkin, Mac-cool-ey Culkin Yeah, that's it nailed! You should contribute something instead of criticising everyone.
No, he can't, he's not creative.
Just slags off everyone else's stuff.
Right, ssh.
I got one.
You ready, boys? Go on, then.
Why don't you hang out and chill? If you want to save your bacon, then squeal, and I'll let you off the hook, you swine.
All right, I'll give you that, that actually is quite good.
That is great, actually.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, I'm pleased with that.
Right, who fancies some chops? Good one.
I like it.
Oh, hang about.
I'm back.
Sorry it took so long, the queues were horrendous.
And this took longer than expected.
John, Mark's here.
Mark, what a pleasant surprise.
Sarah's gone, she left yesterday.
She just packed up everything and left.
God, Mark, that's awful.
I blame him.
Someone else, then? Oh, it's been going on for ages.
That bugger from the zoo.
Young chap, looks after the tigers.
What a bastard.
What a complete and utter Want a biscuit, Mark? No.
Go on, Mark, have a biscuit.
Take two.
Save one for later.
No, I should be going.
Thanks for the tea, Jan.
No problem.
Mark.
If there's anything we can do, anything at all, just say the word.
Hyundai.
Sorry? It's the word I'll use.
Hyundai.
If I need help.
Hyundai.
Are you saying it then, Mark? No, I just said it so you know what word I use when I need help.
Hyundai.
My word.
Mark's word, John.
Grr.
Hyundai? - Can you go and get the biscuits, John? - Biscuits, yeah.
It's OK.
Oh, sorry, I didn't think anyone was in.
Anybody isn't in, my dear.
Somebody is.
Right.
The name is Cooper.
Like Wilson, but with completely different letters.
Where be the sand in the glass? Eh? The time, sir, what reads it? Oh, 20 to four.
Good heavens.
I've napped like a Chinaman.
Sleep, they say, is cousin to death.
What brings this knocking at death's door? You what? What brings you here to Cooper's? Is it the gown? I've brought you another banana.
Oh, the supermarket delivery man.
I barely recognised you without my shoes on.
Splendid.
I've been dreaming of this bent yellow shit.
Like I've said to you before, Mr Cooper, this is a very expensive way of shopping.
Au contraire, for a vision such as that which stands before me, a man would feed his mother to a pig.
It's cheap at twice the price.
Right, well, I suppose I should be going.
Wait.
You've held my banana.
The least I can do is to share.
Step inside.
Together, we will peel this ripe fucker.
No, I'm going to go.
Wait.
No, there.
There.
Bathed beneath the honeyed sun, you'd be enough to make Picasso shit his brushes.
Goodbye, Mr Cooper.
Goodbye, my sweet, and thank you for this.
Come, invisible cat.
Into the house.
We'll wait for his return.
When my wife and I heard the judge's statement, we couldn't fucking believe it.
The judge is a cunt.
To say that we are pissed off is an understatement.
We are mega pissed off.
My son is gone.
My son's gone to pick up the car and he's in the right mood as well.
Wait up, Martin, I'm talking to the news.
Excuse me.
The judge is a cunt.
Oh, I've done that.
Da-da-da Pissed off.
Right.
This trial has put an enormous strain on me and my wife.
Our marriage has suffered, we are no longer doing the sex act, and her cooking has gone completely to shit.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the police, but I can't, because as far as we are concerned, they are bunch of cunts, too.
Nothing is going to bring my little girl back.
She's gone to stay with her real mum.
Which is how come we are going to be selling off all her clothes and toys and things at knockdown prices.
She had loads of shit.
A room full.
The judge is a cunt.
No, you've done that bit.
So, fuck the lot of you.
Thank you.
Well, Mr Hargreaves, I'm pleased to tell you your total body swap operation has been a complete success.
No, you're Hargreaves.
Then you are? Well done, Dr Jennings.
Looks like your total body swap operation was a complete success.
No, you're Jennings.
Professor Haustman, your total body swap operation is driving people to the point of insanity.
Yes.
No, no, you're Haustman.
Sorry, Mum, I wasn't expecting the meeting to be here.
I didn't want our conversation to be overheard.
Well, I don't think there's much danger of that.
And I certainly didn't come here to listen to your impertinence.
I need you to do something for me, something that requires the utmost discretion.
Right.
I need you to cover for Steven tomorrow afternoon.
He's got an appointment, with the dentist.
Little bald Stevie in the warehouse? I don't know any other Stevens who work for the organisation.
Do you? By organisation, you mean the Romford Argos? Yes, the organisation, Argos.
So, do you think you're up to the job? Yeah, if you like.
Well, once again, it looks like it's down to you to get the department out of a fix, doesn't it, James? Barry.
What? I'm Barry.
Which one's James? Harelip.
Pig tattoo.
Oh, I meant to ask James.
Yeah, I'm getting that.
Well, what are you waiting for? The shop opens in35 minutes.
Are you staying up here, then? Yes, I've got the afternoon off.
I'm going to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with my sister.
I thought I said.
You didn't mention it, no.
OK, OK.
Right, office admin and whatnot meeting.
It's been a while, so lots to get through, lots on the old agenda-roo.
Could take a while.
Let's kick off with item one - planned layout of the fourth floor.
Any thoughts? Yeah, I'm worried I'll be sitting right next to the men's toilets.
Could I have a wall or divide, or just swap with Martin? but I will put it at the end of the agenda.
"Duncan's arm on fire.
"Possible action.
" Kelly? So I was thinking Oh, it's really hot! Duncan, I am speaking.
Duncan, please! Kelly, we will look into it for you.
Next - Jeff's leaving do.
Back to the Steakhouse again? All those in favour? You two haven't raised your hands.
I don't like the napkins.
My skin's starting to bubble up.
I'm worried if I lift it, it'll run down my arm like a meat lava.
But you don't mind the Steakhouse? It's fine.
It's hard to find anywhere good these days.
The Japanese place could be fun.
Oh, I look like a fleshy Aero! Great.
Sushi it is.
Next - new email system.
Teething problems, I think.
It's not that bad, Duncan.
We'll get used to it.
Great.
Next.
Hang on, I haven't used it yet.
What's it like? Does it make emails look bigger? Cos mine are really small.
Do you want me to give you a run-through? I really don't know.
It's hard to think when I'm in so much pain.
Sorry, gotta take this.
Let's meet up again at four to go through the rest.
What about the? Can it wait till four? OK.
That'd be great.
It's definitely on the agenda.
Keith, sorry about that, was in a meeting.
Not now.
How are you? Absolutely not.
Oh, my God, Tom! Oh, my God! I got here as quick as I could.
It's going to be OK, OK? I'm here now.
Can you hear me? It's Kate.
Oh, God.
Hello, Kate.
Oh, my God, Tom.
You sound awful.
But don't you worry, we'll get you better, OK? I'm here now.
If there's anything you need, anything I can do, you just say, OK? Pull me off.
What? Can you pull me off? Jesus, Tom! When I said "anything" You don't understand, Kate.
It's like the world's worst itch that I can't scratch.
It's driving me crazy.
Please.
If you could do anything for me Can you pull me off? Tom! That's done now, so Kate, is that you? Tom? Kate, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Sorry about the panicky call.
Turns out it's just a sprain, so we can go home now.
Oh, great! Who's this? I don't know.
He was just asking directions.
Mrs Morrison, can you explain exactly how you discovered this new number? Oh, it's simple, really.
I was trying to calculate how many rabbits my second husband Craig had suffocated and it doesn't matter how many times I add it up, every time the answer is always this.
And how much is that? It's somewhere between six and seven, which is strange, because I know for a fact that my second husband Craig has suffocated more than 400 rabbits.
Why is your husband suffocating rabbits? Oh, I don't know.
You'll have to ask him.
Craig? Craig, the television is wanting to talk to you.
What? I'll just start with a few questions.
How long have you had this fear of flying? Well, I travel a lot with my job and, to be honest, it started as something I can handle, but it's been getting a lot worse recently.
Shame.
But, I have to be honest, I'm not sure this whole hypnotherapy thing will work for me.
OK.
The first thing I like to tell my patients is that it's nothing like the stuff that you see on TV.
I'm not about to suddenly make you want to dry-hump a mop whenever you hear Candle In The Wind.
Well, that's reassuring.
What I'll do is calmly count down from five, put you into light sleep, I'm going to suggest some coping mechanisms to deal with your fear, and then I'm going to gently wake you up with a light click of my fingers.
Great.
OK.
Five, four, three All done! And you're back in the land of the living.
The initial session fee will be £250, please.
What? But you haven't done anything.
Most patients feel a little disorientated after their first session.
That's £250.
I'm not going to give you any money.
You haven't done anything! And sleep.
Apologies.
Just a little joke I like to play on my new patients.
This is actually my PA, Cathy.
I think I let it go on a little too long.
Sorry.
Now, when I click my fingers, you will come out from your sleep feeling wonderful and you won't remember anything to do with being a hypnotherapist.
Oh, where am I? I feel wonderful.
You're in my office, Cathy.
You've just had a little sleep.
Everything's fine.
This is my office.
I'm the hypnotherapist.
Taking longer than usual to come out of it.
Nothing to worry about.
No, no.
Iamthe hypnotherapist.
No, you're really not, Cathy.
Can you tell her? Cathy, I-I-I'm afraid he's telling you the truth.
He's right, Cathy.
Maybe I've been playing this trick a little too often on you recently.
Doctor, is that you? - Yes, Cathy, it's me.
- No, it's not.
Hello, baby.
Apologies.
It's just a little joke I like to play on all my new patients.
He's actually my PA, Donald.
Ahhh! Ooh! You like that.
Just relax.
Just relax.
You can watch from there.
And it seems to me You lived your life Like a candle in the wind Never knowing who to cling to Sorry to interrupt.
Can I just say how sorry I am for your loss? Oh, thank you so much.
Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
Janice.
But my friends call me Ball Buster.
Well, thank you very much for coming to pay your respects, Janice.
Please.
Ball Buster.
Thanks so much, Ball Buster.
Least I can do.
Bless you.
Quick question.
How would you feel if, after everyone's had a squizz, and before you shut the box, I had his shoes? I'm sorry? You know, before you seal him up, I thought I could just nip in there, take his shoes and socks.
I'm sorry, how did you know Adam? Who? Let's be honest, he's not going to need them now, is he? Unless he's coming back as a zombie! OK, too soon.
It's just I'm sure those shoes would fit my boyfriend a treat.
Your what? All right, fair play.
Technically, he's not my boyfriend.
It is early days.
Spider would have a shit-fit if he heard me call him that.
Let's say fuck buddy.
OK.
OK, I think you should probably just leave.
What is your problem? You after the shoes as well? Tough tits, love.
I've got first dibs.
Go! Look what you've gone and done.
She's in tears.
No, no, no.
It's fine, OK? We don't want to stress you out.
After all, it is your big day.
But, you know what, have a think.
If you change your mind, just give us a bell, all right? And as I said before, I'd never seen anything like it.
We're having to turn waiting rooms into operating theatres.
There's more than 125 casualties now, with more arriving all the time.
Dr Reynolds, thank you for that update.
Actually, Doctor, since you're there, I wonder, could I get your advice on something? Yes? I've got this, well, thing.
I don't know what you'd call it.
Not a growth.
It's a sort of, well, like a bruise, but, like, really, on my stomach.
What could that be? I don't know.
Not without looking at it.
Right, well, I didn't want to do this on TV, but if you think it's best.
Here's the bugger.
Ooh, looks a bit more angry than this morning.
I've had it a couple of weeks now.
My wife tells me I should go and see a doctor, but I'm busy doing this every day.
It's rolling news, you can't just take the morning off.
How would you describe it, Helen? I should probably do this, now.
Thank you, Doctor, for talking to us at this very difficult time.
Is there an emergency number? There's the Maidstone Police Hotline.
Yes, thank you, Dr Reynolds, at this difficult time.
Here it is in a size 40.
Fits really well, actually.
Right length in the sleeve.
Colour really suits you.
Not many guys can pull this off, but you look really good in it.
Really good.
I'm not sure.
No, no, you look really great in it.
I mean, really great.
I mean, I'd definitely fuck you in that.
Oh? Yeah.
Definitely.
Definitely fuck you in that.
Hey, Jess? Yeah? You'd fuck him in this, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.
Take it off a minute.
No, you see, now I wouldn't fuck you.
No.
Not in a million years.
I shouldn't say this, but when you walked in here, I was like, "There's a guy I would not fuck.
Not ever.
" Eww.
But with it on, I mean, I'd definitely fuck you in that.
I'd definitely fuck you in that, too.
Yeah, we'd definitely both fuck you in that.
At the same time.
Definitely.
Right, well Of course, you'd have to buy it first.
Yeah, of course you'd have to buy it first.
Receipt's in the bag.
I think I'll wear it now.
Well? Yes? Oh, you didn't actually think we'd fuck you in that, did you? Oh, you did, didn't you? You actually thought we'd fuck you in that.
However nice it is It doesn't cover your ugly face.
It's a jacket, not a balaclava.
Though we do sell balaclavas.
Now, I would definitely fuck you in that.
How much is it? Ain't going to talk, pal? Well, why don't you take a few hours to cool down? Take a few hours to cool down! That's rubbish.
Bet it took him hours to think of that one.
Well, how about, "Why don't you take a few hours to chill out?" That's stronger than cool down, isn't it? No, that's not it.
Where's the wow factor? You want something that's going to blow people's tits off.
OK, OK.
So, what are the points we are trying to get to here? We got, A, that he's left matey in here to get him to talk, and B, it's cold.
I mean, that it, isn't it? I mean, that's the Venn diagram.
Ahem.
You'll talk or else.
This is snow joke.
Snow joke? Snow joke? Where's the fucking snow coming from? I don't know.
Snow, freezers.
It's all linked, isn't it? It's all the same world.
Or how about, "Not speaking, are you? "Well, this is what happens when you take the piste.
" Piste? Piste? We're in a meat locker, not the Alps.
We've not heard you come up with anything.
I've got loads of brilliant ones.
I just don't want to say them, that's all.
Go on, do one.
Do one good one now.
I've got something.
Yeah, ssh, Bob.
William's got one.
Go on, William, shoot.
OK.
Cool, Coolio, Cool Runnings, Cool-ey Culkin, Mac-cool-ey Culkin Yeah, that's it nailed! You should contribute something instead of criticising everyone.
No, he can't, he's not creative.
Just slags off everyone else's stuff.
Right, ssh.
I got one.
You ready, boys? Go on, then.
Why don't you hang out and chill? If you want to save your bacon, then squeal, and I'll let you off the hook, you swine.
All right, I'll give you that, that actually is quite good.
That is great, actually.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, I'm pleased with that.
Right, who fancies some chops? Good one.
I like it.
Oh, hang about.
I'm back.
Sorry it took so long, the queues were horrendous.
And this took longer than expected.
John, Mark's here.
Mark, what a pleasant surprise.
Sarah's gone, she left yesterday.
She just packed up everything and left.
God, Mark, that's awful.
I blame him.
Someone else, then? Oh, it's been going on for ages.
That bugger from the zoo.
Young chap, looks after the tigers.
What a bastard.
What a complete and utter Want a biscuit, Mark? No.
Go on, Mark, have a biscuit.
Take two.
Save one for later.
No, I should be going.
Thanks for the tea, Jan.
No problem.
Mark.
If there's anything we can do, anything at all, just say the word.
Hyundai.
Sorry? It's the word I'll use.
Hyundai.
If I need help.
Hyundai.
Are you saying it then, Mark? No, I just said it so you know what word I use when I need help.
Hyundai.
My word.
Mark's word, John.
Grr.
Hyundai? - Can you go and get the biscuits, John? - Biscuits, yeah.
It's OK.
Oh, sorry, I didn't think anyone was in.
Anybody isn't in, my dear.
Somebody is.
Right.
The name is Cooper.
Like Wilson, but with completely different letters.
Where be the sand in the glass? Eh? The time, sir, what reads it? Oh, 20 to four.
Good heavens.
I've napped like a Chinaman.
Sleep, they say, is cousin to death.
What brings this knocking at death's door? You what? What brings you here to Cooper's? Is it the gown? I've brought you another banana.
Oh, the supermarket delivery man.
I barely recognised you without my shoes on.
Splendid.
I've been dreaming of this bent yellow shit.
Like I've said to you before, Mr Cooper, this is a very expensive way of shopping.
Au contraire, for a vision such as that which stands before me, a man would feed his mother to a pig.
It's cheap at twice the price.
Right, well, I suppose I should be going.
Wait.
You've held my banana.
The least I can do is to share.
Step inside.
Together, we will peel this ripe fucker.
No, I'm going to go.
Wait.
No, there.
There.
Bathed beneath the honeyed sun, you'd be enough to make Picasso shit his brushes.
Goodbye, Mr Cooper.
Goodbye, my sweet, and thank you for this.
Come, invisible cat.
Into the house.
We'll wait for his return.
When my wife and I heard the judge's statement, we couldn't fucking believe it.
The judge is a cunt.
To say that we are pissed off is an understatement.
We are mega pissed off.
My son is gone.
My son's gone to pick up the car and he's in the right mood as well.
Wait up, Martin, I'm talking to the news.
Excuse me.
The judge is a cunt.
Oh, I've done that.
Da-da-da Pissed off.
Right.
This trial has put an enormous strain on me and my wife.
Our marriage has suffered, we are no longer doing the sex act, and her cooking has gone completely to shit.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the police, but I can't, because as far as we are concerned, they are bunch of cunts, too.
Nothing is going to bring my little girl back.
She's gone to stay with her real mum.
Which is how come we are going to be selling off all her clothes and toys and things at knockdown prices.
She had loads of shit.
A room full.
The judge is a cunt.
No, you've done that bit.
So, fuck the lot of you.
Thank you.
Well, Mr Hargreaves, I'm pleased to tell you your total body swap operation has been a complete success.
No, you're Hargreaves.
Then you are? Well done, Dr Jennings.
Looks like your total body swap operation was a complete success.
No, you're Jennings.
Professor Haustman, your total body swap operation is driving people to the point of insanity.
Yes.
No, no, you're Haustman.