There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [PARTY HORN BLOWS.]
Happy birthday to me Yeah, I think we covered that.
Anybody not drunk? Okay.
Great.
Drive safely, everyone.
I'm over there.
Wait! You driving him home today? What's the problem? I thought he got his own car already.
The boy doesn't handle alcohol well, it turns out.
It's really not my car.
Was I just shouting? - [LAUGHING.]
Yes.
- Was I just You were.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Shut up! - I heard you got - a nice apartment, too.
- I did.
It's my friend Sharon's.
Sharon is on an extended medical vacation.
Oh, man, things just keep falling your way, huh? - Yeah.
- What is that, huh? Young people, so glad I caught you.
Some thoughts for the anniversary show.
Nah, you got it.
- Whose birthday? - Mine.
Oh! Happy birthday.
All right, look.
We're only a few weeks out, so let's get right on that, okay? - You bet.
- Good night, guys.
Not getting right on that at all.
- Good night.
- Okay, night.
- Good night! - Good night.
[CHATTERING.]
You have a really nice car.
Yeah, well, when you graduate from Beverly Hills High, they give you one of these.
- Is that true? - No.
Ah Ugh.
Do I really look 25? Yeah! No! You know, when we were seniors, we all had to say where we wanted to be in five years, and everybody else said "married with kids," and they've all done it.
But me? Whew.
I was gonna I was gonna psh! Shh-show 'em what I can do.
And I was so certain I was gonna do it.
And what have I done? What do I have to show for it? Huh? Long hours, dog-shit pay [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
And fighting the whole boys'-club mentality! And the truth of it is I'm really good at what I do.
And you know how many compliments I've gotten since I started working here? Hm? Just me.
I've been counting.
Zero! Not one! Well, you know, from what I've seen, I just think you're exceptional in every way.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't even know how to respond to that.
It's that foreign.
[SIGHS.]
You are truly not like the others, huh? You're decent.
Are you fucking kidding me? I tell you you're decent, and that's what you fucking do? - I'm sorry I I I - You're sorry? Okay, let's get something straight.
What happened between you and me that first day huge, huge mistake, and it'll never happen again, okay? - Okay? - Okay.
Good, now get the fuck out of my car.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm - Get out of my car.
You you have to drive me home.
Ohh.
- I'm sorry.
I really am.
- Just go.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Like this.
Right on! [TOGETHER.]
Right on! [SOUL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
[BOTH SHOUT.]
What the fuck? - Where am I? Who are you? - Who am I? Oh, please don't please don't Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing in my bed, man? [POUNDING.]
Hey! Keep it down! [STAMMERING.]
I just moved in! Not in my motherfucking house, you didn't.
I mean in what's-her-name's Sharon.
Sharon's apartment.
Sharon lives in 108, you stupid fuck.
This is 106.
Oh, jeez, I guess I I got really drunk last night, and I never really drink, ever.
And I guess I just wandered into the wrong apartment by mistake.
I'm really sorry! Just please put the bat down! All right, how do you know Sharon, man? I don't.
I know her friend Joy! I know her friend Joy! - You know Joy? - Please don't kill me.
- You mean foxy Joy? - Mm-hmm.
- Brown hair? - Mm-hmm.
- Fine titties? - Okay.
- I like Joy.
- She's a very nice girl.
You know she works at "The Tonight Show"? That's actually how I know her.
If I can just get her to bring her people down - to see my act, man.
I'm a comedian.
- Oh! So, I sent her boss this tape of mine what do you mean, "oh"? Nothing.
I just didn't know that that you were a comedian, that's all.
Well, how would you? I just fucking met you.
- Exactly.
- So, her boss says I'm not right for the show.
He said I'm not as funny as Richard Pryor, and not as nice as Flip Wilson.
I mean, yo! And I was just like, "Uh, well, yeah, you're damn right, 'cause I'm not either one of them motherfuckers, and the motherfuckers ain't me, either.
" You know what I'm saying? Well, um, maybe I could - I could come see your show.
- Okay.
No.
I no.
I work at "The Tonight Show.
" You work at "The Tonight Show"? Mm-hmm.
That's how I know Joy.
What do you do there, exactly? I don't know, actually.
I just started working there, but, you know, seeing as how we're neighbors now, maybe I could get them to come see your show, maybe.
Okay.
Tell me your name.
Andy.
Andy Klavin.
All right.
Rasheed.
Rasheed Miller.
[THUMPING AND SNAPPING.]
All right.
Yeah.
Me and my boy Andy.
Ooh.
I may have just slept my way to the top.
[FUNK MUSIC.]
Great.
Okay, one more joke.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- No.
We're good.
- The Nixon campaign - the Nixon campaign - Don't need it.
We're good.
The Nixon campaign is feeling very confident.
No.
We do not need it.
We're good.
We have twelve election jokes.
We have six divorce/alimony.
We have the Alka-Seltzer bit.
We're good.
This is what's going to Johnny, okay? Marilyn! Want to check on the runner? Jokes are locked, loaded, ready to go.
Anybody want to hear a joke anyways? Just - No, Jim.
Please.
- Sure.
- Fine.
- Yeah, great, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[AS JOHNNY CARSON.]
So, the Nixon campaign is feeling confident now.
- Is that your Johnny? - Yeah.
- I think you're doing Merv.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
[IN SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ACCENT.]
So, the Nixon campaign is feeling very confident right now.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
It's not funny anymore.
It's not funny.
Who told Albert Brooks that he doesn't have to give a pre-interview? Hm? He absolutely has to.
Will somebody get him on the phone, please? Sure, Joy.
Whatever you say, Joy.
- We'll get right on that, Joy.
- Good morning.
Mm! Andy.
Good.
Come.
Hey, uh, listen.
I'm I'm really You like dogs? I'm gonna guess yes.
- I do love dogs, yes.
- Good.
Okay.
So, this is what I need you to do today.
Go to this address in Beverly Hills.
They have a dog.
Bring it back here.
For the Alpo commercial.
Ed's doing a live Alpo spot.
This is the dog.
Alpo doesn't bring their own dog? Sometimes they do.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes we use the dog of staff or friends.
People like seeing their dog on TV.
Any other questions? It does say "McQueen" here.
Am I am I going to Steve - Steve? No.
- Oh.
It's his nephew.
- His nephew? - Mm-hmm.
We're friends.
We used to go out.
Still do, sometimes.
- Hmm.
- Is that a judgment? - What? No.
- Good.
Okay, so, pick up Steve McQueen's nephew's dog.
- Parents' dog.
- Pick up Steve McQueen's nephew's parents' dog, - and bring the dog back here? - Directly here.
- What kind of dog is it? - Oh, for Christ's sake! I don't know what kind of dog it is, but when you pick it up, you can ask it.
Here.
Take my car.
Your car scares me.
And call me if there's any problem.
Actually, call me even if there's no problem.
I want to hear that there's no problem.
- I got it.
- Okay.
What do you mean the drivers are out sick? All of them? So, who takes the monologue to Johnny? Uh, I guess it's one of us.
[LAUGHTER.]
Fuck yourself.
- I'm out.
- You know why they say, "Don't shoot the messenger"? Because otherwise, they shoot the messenger.
Well, somebody's got to do it.
Klavin! Sammy Davis wants to do Friday instead of Thursday.
You'll move things around? Wonderful.
Oh, and Mac Davis called.
He wants to get on the anniversary show.
Let's say no.
I take this to Mr.
Carson's house? - Nah.
He's gonna fuck it up.
- No.
- He's gonna fuck it up.
- He's gonna do fine.
- This is the holy grail.
- Wow.
This does not leave your tiny little slender Nebraskan fists for one second.
Look, if you lose this, America has no jokes tonight.
Do you want America to have no jokes tonight? - No.
- Okay, drink this.
No! He's driving.
And he's a child.
Look, Johnny likes to get the monologue at twelve o'clock, on the dot.
Not 11:59.
Not 12:01.
Twelve o'clock.
- Ha.
- It's not a joke.
That's real.
Yeah.
Okay, um, but Joy did tell me that I had to go Ooh! Joy? I think Andy wants to give Joy the salchich! I I don't want to give Joy whatever you just said.
Look, whatever Joy's having you do, this is much more important.
Okay.
- So, you might want to - Yeah.
Godspeed, young man! Yeah, he's gonna fuck it up.
No.
Mr.
Brooks, of course I know you'll be funny.
- You're always funny.
- Sure.
I just have to give Johnny an idea of what to ask you.
- It's - How are you? Um, I'm fine.
But No, no, no.
I'm saying that's all Johnny has to say to me.
I come in.
I sit down.
He says, "How are you, Albert? - Huh? How are you, buddy?" - [PHONE RINGING.]
And then I take it from there, you see.
Can you hold on one quick second? Oh, sure.
Please.
Nothing would make me happier.
Thank you so much.
- Hello? - I got the dog.
He is so sweet.
Is he always so sweet? Never met the dog in my life, okay? Now you're coming back with the dog, yes? Yes.
As soon as I get the monologue to Mr.
Carson's house.
- What? - They No.
Nobody checked with me.
I need the dog here for rehearsal.
Dogs don't just go on TV without rehearsing.
Okay, okay, well, um, well You better go.
Go! Just go, go, go.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Brooks.
How many guests are we talking about? - Seven, eight.
- I heard that Johnny doesn't even want to do an anniversary show.
So, who's pushing it forward? Network promotion.
Fucking idiots, all of them.
Anybody happen to note that the anniversary show is the exact same week all our contracts are up? Like, if that show sucks, we're all out of work.
I hadn't noticed.
Thank you for pointing that out.
That's comforting.
- But, you see, Mr.
Brooks - I'm sorry.
What was your name, again? - Joy.
Greenfield.
- Hi, Joy.
- But I just - Wait.
Greenfield? Are you Bernie Greenfield's little baby girl? That can't be possible.
You're the Greenfield baby? - Actually, I am.
- Are you? Do you know your father was the first agent I ever met with? - That's crazy! - Really? Yeah.
Oh, my.
Well, I mean, - he's not just any agent, is he? - No.
No, no.
He's Bernie Greenfield.
- Yes.
- Yes! Legendary! Yes, he is a very big agent.
Oh, all the streets look the same.
You want some of this? I got plenty.
There you go.
Sit.
Sit.
I think we're lost.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
We really, really got to fly.
[engine revving [SIREN BLARES.]
Shoot! Shoot, shoot, shoot.
So, you'll do the car bit, let's say two, three minutes, and then you'll do the part about going out of business that'll be so funny.
Well, not the way you say it, but yes.
God willing, it will be funny.
- Can we be done now? - Yes.
- Terrific.
- [LINE CLICKS.]
You were going very fast.
Okay, so, Officer, I, um I my name is Andy Klavin, and I work for "The Tonight Show," and I have to get this monologue to Mr.
Carson's house at exactly twelve o'clock, or or I don't know what happens.
Everyone gets fired, or at least me.
And I know that's no excuse for breaking the law, but I'm sorry.
- [DOG WHINING.]
- Shh.
Shh.
And these are the jokes that Mr.
Carson is gonna tell? Yes, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And you are to deliver these jokes to Mr.
Carson's residence? Yes, sir.
I'd like you to follow me, Mr.
Klavin.
[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC.]
[SIREN BLARING.]
[STAMMERING.]
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Oh, boy! Well, it's a Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Here, boy! Here, big dog! I don't even know its name.
Here, boy! Here, dog! Here, boy! Oh, Andy, why do you always have to mess everything up? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
I need your help.
You got an impressive pair of stones, man.
I know you for, what, two hours? You're already asking favors? I'm sorry.
I just I can't call anyone from work about this, - and you're the only other person I know.
- Oh, well, that is sad.
Well, you came to the right guy, 'cause dogs love me.
I'm serious.
Everybody thinks dogs don't like black people.
Man, they flock to me.
I don't know what it is.
Oh, wait a second, I think I see him! - Okay.
Oh, hey! - Here, take the keys and take the car and cut him off on that street! - You should drive and I'll go.
- Go, go, go! Here, boy! He's back there.
He's [SIREN BLARING.]
Motherfucker.
That's a nice car.
Yours? No, sir.
It's my friend's.
- Step out, please.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Step out.
- All right.
Hey! Hey! BOTH: Hey.
You.
Thought I recognized this car.
This your friend? Yeah, that's my friend Rasheed.
Ah.
Apologies.
[LAUGHS.]
Who are you? I don't understand.
Is there a problem here? - No problem.
- No problem.
Yeah, well, anyway, he was helping me find my dog.
You lost your dog? Yeah, well, it wasn't even my dog.
It was the dog they were supposed to use on the show tonight, and I lost it.
There's no way they're not firing me for this.
A German shepherd, right? Yeah.
Say hello to your new friend.
That's that's not a that's not a German shepherd.
I don't know what he is.
We found him under the freeway.
Yeah, well, he must be hungry, then.
Here.
Take all the beef jerky.
There you go.
What am I gonna need it for? - It's got no tags.
- So? So, I'm gonna have to bring him in to a shelter.
But there's nothing saying I have to bring him in right away.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Nothing to worry about.
Dog flying in as we speak.
Where's the dog? [INAUDIBLE.]
[LAUGHS.]
It's coming.
It's on its way.
Who's that guy? - Alpo.
- Oh, shit.
I told you the kid would fuck something up.
[BROOKS SPEAKING ONSTAGE.]
Not a major accident a guy rolled back into me.
He had massive amounts of bumper stickers on the back of his truck.
Eight of them said, honestly, "Honk if you love Jesus.
" That's a very popular bumper sticker around here.
You're fucking kidding me.
I'm gonna kill him.
Don't run.
Don't run.
- Yeah, but run! - Oh okay.
But you try to avoid it, because on a steep hill, - if you're anything but the first car - And you were worried.
You face the problem of a guy with a stick shift He didn't fuck it up? Where the hell have you been? - I was I was getting the dog.
- Oh, yeah? - So, the dog's okay? - Mm-hmm.
- And that's the McQueens' dog? - Mm-hmm.
You sure? Hmm.
That's interesting, because they just called to tell me that their German shepherd showed up at their front door 15 minutes ago.
Oh, good! He's okay! He's okay! He's okay, but he's not here! So, I'm sitting in I'm sitting in my car yelling, "Wait! No! This particular honk isn't for Jesus! - This is an accident honk!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- What's his name? - Huh? The dog.
Give me his name.
Hernandez.
- How you doing? - Excuse me? - Rasheed.
- Yeah.
- Sharon's friend.
- I know.
We'll take a break here, and we'll be right back after this word.
Ready camera in three, two.
.
So, do you feed your dog canned dog food? And do you think if they cost about the same, they are the same? Well, I've got news for you: they're not.
Alpo beef chunks dinner is the only one of the three leading canned dog foods that does have real beef.
The real beef could be the reason Hernandez here - [DOG WHINES.]
- You heard him cry.
Come here, dear.
Come on.
There it is.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on up.
Come on.
Right here.
There you go.
Okay.
He's a little frightened.
I'll put it down further.
There you go.
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on.
Come on.
- Come on.
Come on.
- What's going on? Dog won't eat the food.
Come on, dog.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Well, Hernandez is a little Andy, did you feed the dog? Of course.
No.
Maybe.
A little.
You don't feed a dog before it has to eat - on national television.
- I'm sorry! He did fuck up.
He did fuck up.
Well, Hernandez is a little a little yes, please.
Come right in.
Yes, please.
Hernandez.
Nice Hernandez.
Nice Hernandez.
Alpo.
The next time you find yourself - looking at the canned dog food - [LAUGHS.]
Yes, nice Hernandez.
Reach for the can containing real beef.
Relax.
There's nothing funnier than screw-ups.
Johnny loves it.
You're a hero.
[LAUGHING.]
Who found the dog? - Joy did.
- Joy, this is marvelous.
Simply marvelous.
Good job, kiddo.
I'm very proud of you.
[LAUGHS.]
Nice Hernandez.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING.]
See? He didn't fuck it up.
Yes, nice Hernandez.
Reach for the can that contains [FADES OUT.]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I want that dog.
So cute.
I know.
Great timing for a non-pro.
I just may join you in one of those.
Absolutely.
I have more.
You know what? If you have a minute, I'd love to show you some of this Put it on my desk.
I'll look at it tonight.
You got it.
[FUNK MUSIC.]