Thirtysomething (1987) s01e02 Episode Script

1 If you figure out how to get this through the hole, you can apply early decision to Harvard and compensate for Daddy's low SAT scores and the fact that he didn't get into his first choice and he had to settle for a safety school.
What? What? Oh.
- When? - In two days.
Oh, no.
Two days? Ruth, how was the trip? Humiliate any flight attendants? Ted, how's retirement? Feel useless? Couldn't we just move away before they get here? - No.
- They were just here.
Eight months ago for two days.
Oh, that's what I mean.
Honey, they want to see their grandchild a couple of times before she goes to graduate school.
Where is she? She's in there.
She's putting blocks together like she's not supposed to for another 14 months.
No, wait a minute.
Is it 14 months? I'm gonna check Penelope Leach.
The only time you ever check those books is when you want to gloat about how advanced she is.
Well, isn't that what they're for? Why are my parents coming? To tell you you're not advanced enough.
Oh, oh Come here, come here.
Go to Mommy.
- Here she is.
- That could have hit her on the head.
She could have pulled on the cord and been electrocuted.
The bulb could have smashed and cut her face.
Toxic chemicals could have scarred her for life.
Shh.
Listen, an asteroid almost hit the earth an hour ago, only nobody knew because it missed.
That's supposed to make me feel better? That's okay, I don't need any help.
I know that there's another outlet here.
Ha ha.
Okay.
There.
How many does that make? 4,362.
Okay.
Get 100.
We'll start there.
- Door latches.
- I hate this.
Yeah, well, you don't want to need them later.
- Toilet latches.
- Toilet latches? Babies have been known to drown in less than 2 inches of water.
What the hell is a toilet latch? I don't know, but Elliot and Nancy have them.
It latches the toilet closed? What if you really have to go and you Hello, Mrs.
Murdoch.
How are you? So nice to see you.
Shut up.
They're not here yet.
Uh! And doesn't your hair look fabulous? So unlike your daughter's.
I don't understand it, either.
She's such a pretty girl and look how she's let herself go.
- You can leave now.
- Here's your mitt.
Thanks.
Oh, when are they coming? They'll probably send in an artillery barrage first to soften us up, but we don't expect the first wave of the assault until 1800 hours.
It's never as bad as you think it's gonna be.
I get along great with my mother.
You never even talk to your mother.
I called her last week.
It's not my fault the line was busy.
Yeah, well, now I'm far more concerned with getting this death trap of a house baby-proofed so my daughter can survive long enough to say horrible things about me.
We basically have two problems: Baby-proofing and parent-proofing.
I can get all the latches in the world, but how am I gonna find an acceptable sofa, new wallpaper for the dining room, and napkin rings by 6:00 tonight? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? The bathroom.
Well, that's it.
Then they can't come.
- That's it.
- What are you talking about? The other bathroom is all ripped up.
We're putting in new fixtures.
They're gonna have to stay in our bedroom.
No way.
You don't expect them to use the bathroom that has no plumbing.
They can use our bathroom.
What bathroom are we gonna use? You guys, why don't they go to a hotel? You paid how much for this? The question is not "Can this be done?" The question is "What can be done by 6:00 tonight?" You know, plumbers get 25 an hour.
Of course, I only get 15 an hour for teaching, but society has its priorities in order.
So which pay scale do you want? You can pick either one.
We can get the sink working by then, can't we? And the toilet and the bathtub? Okay, forget the bathtub.
Just the showerhead.
All right, all right.
It's not because I love you.
You understand that? You just happen to be the only person I can consistently humiliate at squash.
21-19 is humiliation? Would be for me.
Excuse me.
We were tied 19 all.
You choked.
You lost it.
You had no taste for the jugular.
Get out of here.
I had a sprained ankle.
Fear not the battle sweat and the red sword's thrusting plunge, for in time after they will sing only of the warrior's glory and his joy in the fray.
Beowulf,babe.
You really think I choked? So this lovely, tasteful commode needs to be secured against this wall.
I did choke.
Why is that? I never used to choke.
Because you're a wimp, but I still love you.
Want to hand me yon wrench? That's a daisy.
Yes, it's a weed, but Mommy loves it.
Yeah, you can smell it.
No, you can't taste it.
No, you can't.
There you go.
Go get your toys.
Look Mommy, aren't they beautiful? Oh, sweetie, yes.
Yes, they are.
But look at your hands oh, and your dress.
Let's go inside and wash up.
Honey, don't do that.
Oh, give that to Mommy.
Yeah, good girl.
Give that to Mommy.
No, I think surface streets.
The expressway is all torn up, and it's gonna be right in the middle of rush hour.
And then, um Honey, do you know where her blanket is? In the car seat.
No, the yellow one.
That one's too stained.
Um, okay, let's see.
Now, we have the bottle, crackers, diapers, wipes, Mr.
Bear.
Do you remember that turn? We always mess it up.
Once I messed up.
Know where the car keys are? Yeah, they're in the drawer.
Janey was playing with them.
We should call.
- We called.
It's delayed.
- Yeah, I know.
We should call again.
Maybe it got undelayed.
Ow.
Damn latch.
We should look at the map for that turn, because we always mess it up.
That plane is gonna pick up time.
You know how those jet streaming things are.
- Daddy's gonna be waiting at the gate - Honey? Honey? It's only your parents.
They really do love you.
It's not just propaganda.
Yeah, they love me, but they don't love anything I do.
Oh, they love Janey.
You were vaguely involved with doing that.
Well? Hey, no problem, man.
We'll have it done by tomorrow night.
We're missing that little squiggle.
Oh, excuse me.
What? Tomorrow? This is not happening.
Sorry, lady.
We don't have the part.
See what happens when you go non-union? That's it, I'm going.
Tell them I cracked up.
Tell them I live in a cave.
Tell me when they leave.
Are you really my friend? - Yes.
- Kill me.
Where's my daughter? I hope they come soon.
I don't know how much longer I can keep smiling like this.
So stop smiling.
- But we're not gonna see them.
- Oh, we'll see them.
Oh, God.
Here's Grandma.
Come on.
Hi.
Look at this baby.
How's Grandma's baby? Oh, you look so pretty.
- Oh, and you look wonderful.
- Thank you.
You're so thin.
She eats solid foods.
Things are so different now.
When you were born, they said feed solid food at two months.
Well, you're right and look what happened to us.
- Where is he? Excuse me.
- Pardon me.
We found a spot right on the first floor.
You know, I really thought it was gonna rain.
Daddy, we wouldn't have it rain for you.
Thank you, my sweetie.
I appreciate that.
I feel a bit of a chill, actually.
Is she warm enough? She's got two grownups smothering her.
- Don't you, little pussycat? - Oh, there he is.
Would you remember about your back? Well, what a beautiful car.
I didn't know you lived in the mountains.
We don't live in the mountains.
Thanks.
Oh, I know, I know.
No, no, Mom, get in the front.
You'll be more comfortable.
Sit, sit in the front with your husband.
- But, Mom - I want this little cutie all to myself.
Okay.
But, Mom, you gotta put her in the car seat.
- Oh, I know, I know.
- You can't hold her, okay? - Do you know how to strap her in? - Yes, I know.
- Okay.
- We bought this for you.
Don't you remember? Who's gonna see the house? Who's gonna see the house? Oh, it's lovely.
It's darling.
And why are you always talking about what bad shape it's in? Because we have to live here.
With the toilets that don't work and the rotted-out windowsills, and the draft in the baby's room.
Oh, well, she looks healthy enough to me, but just a little bit tired.
Now can Grandma put you to bed tonight, sweetie? Actually, Mom, she's been really fussy about going to sleep lately, so I should do it.
- I think maybe she's teething.
- Oh.
Poor little sweetheart.
Well, now, did you try putting brandy on her gums? Apparently they've found that alcohol can give babies seizures.
Really? Oh, dear.
You know, with everything that we did wrong, it's a wonder that you kids grew up at all.
Oh.
Isn't that beautiful? Now that That is your touch, isn't it? You always manage to make wherever you are something special.
Thank you.
- Well - Ted, please give me those.
You're sweating already.
I can find my way.
Just point me to the guest room.
Actually, we're gonna put you in our room, 'cause there's a little problem with the other bathroom.
- Nonsense.
- Let me help you with that.
Where will you stay? We can't kick you out of your own bedroom.
No, no, we'll be fine in the guest bedroom.
- You are our guests.
- No, I won't have it.
I will not Time out.
You gotta give it up.
You either sleep in our bedroom, or you sleep in the backyard with Grendel.
But I think it's absurd that we disrupt your lives this way.
It's your job.
Your bedroom is your own.
Don't worry.
We changed the sheets.
- I can't go in there.
- So use my razor.
- And rip my face up? - So knock on the door.
I don't want to knock on the door.
What if they're you know.
Nah.
We're awake.
I forgot my razor.
Oh, well, go on in.
He's just primping.
How about my blue sweater? I deliberately didn't pack it - 'cause I knew that'd be all you would wear.
- I like that sweater.
32 years.
I never could give up these ridiculous things.
What can I say? You're just not with it, Ted.
I guess not.
Don't you two spend all day in there.
Hurry him up, Michael.
He'll dawdle in there for hours.
Mmm.
Yum, yum, yum.
Oh, look at this.
This is smart.
Now, why couldn't they have this when you were a baby, breaking bottles all over the kitchen floor? I never did anything like that.
- You were a terror.
- I was? Whatever happened to me? You became the sweet, demure creature we all know and love.
- She did? - Hi, Gary.
Hi, Hope.
Hi, Mrs.
Hope.
Hello, Gary.
Are you still teaching? No, I've actually given that up for plumbing.
It's much more lucrative.
He's been helping us not get the bathroom ready - in time for your visit.
- Ooh, sorry, sweetie.
Well, today is the day I break 85.
- I remember that game.
- You should try again.
Everyone does better the second time.
No, he doesn't handle mortification well, although he is a very good loser.
What time is Walt picking you up? Five minutes ago.
We'll be upstairs.
- Bye, Hope.
- Bye.
Give him my love.
Oh, honey, would you and Gary mind watching Janey while Mother takes me shopping? Well, I I was gonna work on the bathroom, then I Well, you could just keep her upstairs with you.
Oh.
Okay, sure.
Just, um, bring her upstairs when you're leaving.
Shepherd, quit eating the food.
Yeah, we'll watch the baby and fix the bathroom, and after we fix the bathroom, I'll make a roast.
Oh, sure, he doesn't mind taking the kid.
He doesn't mind giving up the only court time we could get this entire weekend.
- Oh, no.
- Which was only gotten by his good friend being reduced to having to flirt with the ugly girl behind the counter of the club.
Okay.
Monday night we'll play.
I promise.
Only if you promise to put up a semblance of non-wimp performance.
Michael.
Why did you give up so easily? What do you mean? You didn't want to go? Are you crazy? Why would I want to go shopping with my mother? But then why didn't you say something? What was I supposed to say? That you didn't want to go.
Look at that.
You see the gray dress? Isn't that smart? It's kind of impractical.
No, it looks very versatile.
Oh, come on.
Try it on.
It'll be my treat.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't think Let's just see if it's in your size.
- I just don't think I - Oh, no.
With your figure, that will be a knockout.
But, Mom, I don't think that I have Oh, okay.
I just thought it had the right kind of sophistication.
And it's so feminine.
Mom, I don't have any place to wear it.
Oh, you do.
Dinner parties, cocktail parties.
You have dinner parties, and the theater.
It is perfect for the theater.
It's silk, Mom.
I'm breastfeeding.
I know that.
I think it's wonderful that your generation finds that important.
But other things are important, too.
Mom, I don't want to try it on.
Damn it, Mother, you think I don't know what you mean by sophisticated and feminine? Well, excuse me if I don't dress how you want and I don't comport myself in a very Ruth-like manner.
But I'm entitled to my life, and I'm entitled to my own taste, and I'm entitled to my own way of looking.
And I'll be damned if I'll be some kind of puppet and parade around in the ridiculous kind of costume just because you think that I should! I think you'll be so happy with this.
Oh, it looks gorgeous on her.
Don't you think? Oh, absolutely.
And if she's very, very good, maybe you'll let your mom wear it, too.
Here, hide this.
The baby can't get up that high.
Not from her, from me.
I can't be trusted with sharp objects.
Uh-oh.
I love my mother.
I value her.
I admire her.
I am grateful beyond measure for the sacrifices she made and the guidance she gave me.
Why is it I can't be in the same room with her for longer than ten minutes? Ten minutes? What's your secret? You are terrible.
You are a bad person, and my mother is right.
You're a bad influence on me.
- Do you think she still hates me? - She never hated you.
Oh, right.
That time your parents came back early from the shore and caught me letting Jeffrey Phelps get to second base.
"Ellyn, is that the way you girls behave" "the minute my back is turned?" I wasn't even allowed over to your house for an entire month.
- What is with this thing? - Oh.
I'm sorry.
It's a latch.
Oh.
What's it for? So Janey can't get in there, break the crystal vase, sever her femoral artery, and send her mother into cardiac arrest.
Your mother seems like she's mellowed out a little.
Oh, yeah.
And then there's the look, and all of a sudden, I'm 14 and about to be grounded.
I know.
It's just so out of whack, you know? Growing up, you never spend more than two hours at a time with your parents.
And suddenly, 20 years later, they descend on you and you're expected to spend five solid days of quality time being nice to them.
You let Jeffrey Phelps get to second? Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Yeah.
- Wow, look at this.
- This is beautiful.
I am looking at it.
What is it? Uh, goshe What is this called, again? - Vichyssoise.
- Vichyssoise.
No, I knew that.
I thought maybe it was bouillabaisse.
You wouldn't know bouillabaisse if it bit you on the nose.
Whoa, hey, I made bouillabaisse once, lady.
Back off.
You made bouillabaisse? Did he, really? I love men today.
I really do.
I can't imagine Ted spending five hours in the kitchen making me bouillabaisse.
I don't like fish.
I'm gonna have to get a new husband, and discard this obsolete hulk.
Gary's available.
Yeah, unfortunately, I don't cook, either.
But, um, I do like fish.
The question is can you dance the merengue till dawn? Ted, you tiger.
What can I say? When you got it, you got it.
- You got it.
- At least I had it.
You used to dance, Hope.
She took dance for years.
I remember.
I was so jealous of you.
Are you kidding? I can't imagine why.
And her class did The Nutcracker every Christmas, - and who was Clara? - Aww.
She used to look so cute in that nightgown.
Remember, Ted? Oh, I can't for the life of me imagine why you gave up dancing.
Didn't you tell me she dances in her nightgown for you all the time? Now I've been taking these low-impact Jazzercise classes.
Oh, they really knock me on my rear.
But afterwards, what is it the endorphins.
Now they're really cooking.
That's what I need.
Some of them cooking endorphins.
There must be a class around here like that.
Now why don't we get out and really cut loose? Sure.
I could schedule it between naps and feedings.
Maybe they have classes around 3:00 a.
m.
I'm always available then.
Or maybe I could pencil it in between, um, cocktail parties and the theater and intimate dinners for six.
Excuse me.
I have to get the salad.
Oh, hi, Trolley.
Oh, the school's coming along very well.
Did you know that Uncle Friday said we have to have it ready tomorrow? I'll say.
Hi.
My favorite was Romper Room.
That's Lady Aberlin.
I have a crush on her.
There's coffee.
Oh, you're very organized for this early in the day.
Some of us have been up since 5:30.
Ohhh.
Did you sleep well? No.
You know how it is when you get to be my age.
It gets more and more difficult.
Ruth.
About last night.
Where's the sugar? You know, Hope She's Michael, you know, the force of true love is never straight, is it? - You promised me a pony.
- Where were we gonna keep a pony? That's your problem.
You promised a pony.
There's my little pumpkin.
There's my little pie.
Don't believe a word he says, Janey.
The man is not to be trusted.
- Good morning, all.
- You're up early.
Oh, well, not as early as these two campers.
She didn't wanna go back to sleep.
So do I get points for not waking you? No.
Excuse me, Daddy.
Who wants breakfast? I'll make a Grandma Roxy omelet for everybody.
- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- I want to do it.
Mom, you're on vacation.
You don't know where anything goes.
- Just go.
Sit down.
Relax.
- All I need is some butter and some eggs and a little bit of milk.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
Here.
I'll just put these dishes away for you.
Dad, would you like a Danish? A Danish? A piece of that.
Here, sweetie.
Here.
Dad, don't give it to the baby.
It's full of sugar.
We used to give you sugar all the time.
Aha! So that's what happened.
Sure.
She likes it.
Attention, please.
I would like to make an announcement.
In honor of our last night here, Dad and I would like to treat you to a blowout dinner at the expensive restaurant of your choice.
- We would? - Oh, you don't have to do that.
One of the privileges of being a grandparent is being able to spoil not only your grandchild but your own children, too.
And that is the last word on this particular subject.
Now, where's my coffee? Where's my breakfast? Meanwhile, there's no way I can go out to dinner with your parents tonight.
- What are you talking about? - I told you, I'm playing squash with Gary tonight.
- I put him off all weekend.
- Michael, you can't do that.
It's their last night here.
You did not tell me that.
- I did too tell you that.
- You did not tell me.
- When did you tell me? - Okay, I thought about telling you.
- Isn't that enough? - You cannot leave me alone with her.
- Your father's going to be there.
- Like I said.
And what am I supposed to tell Gary? Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
Take your time.
No.
Come on.
Come on in.
No.
I was just gonna work out.
Now, can you imagine anything sillier than a grandmother with lead weights on her wrists and her ankles? Sounds obscene, actually.
They will be gone in 22 hours and 36 minutes.
What's with you? Your mother is the coolest person.
Everybody loves her.
If she were 20 years younger, Gary would ask her out.
And to you, she's a cross between Godzilla and What's her name? Godzilla and Medea.
I've come to kill my children.
Yeah.
And your mother's Donna Reed.
So basically, I have to sacrifice my friendship with Gary in order to get you through this night.
Basically.
Okay.
Oh.
Sorry.
Well, of course, there's no need to reupholster when you still have young children.
I know.
Not to mention we don't have the money.
Well, we can always help you with that.
Oh, Janey, what are you doing? Oh, no, you don't.
Come over here.
Yeah.
Come over Yeah, there's Mr.
Clown.
There you go.
Good girl.
You know, there's a color that would look really beautiful in here.
It's kind of a light green.
- Light apple.
- You know, that's funny.
We were thinking about that for over the fireplace.
Exactly.
It's the same color as the sitting room in the old house.
Oh, with that great big old leather chair that smelled so good.
I love that room.
You were always building forts in there when you were little, and then insisting that you spend the night sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag.
It was high adventure.
Do you miss the old house? Mmm.
- Janey, be careful.
- Oh.
Here.
Grandma's gonna take you.
We're gonna go figure out that puzzle.
Let's go see.
Come here.
Let's see what we've got here.
I think Grandma can get these right this time.
Okay? Here we go now.
Push this one in.
Here you go.
This one goes in here.
Can you push this in for me? There you go.
Push.
Good.
This one goes Where does it go? Here we go.
Professor Shepherd.
Don't give me that.
I am a professor.
Look.
Here's my diploma.
You're not a professor.
Professors are old, they're pretentious, they're boring.
Okay, maybe you are a professor.
Is this another one of your pointless phone calls so you can avoid working? Don't kill me.
I'm waiting.
You know that really cute aerobics instructor? I hear she's great at squash.
I'm not hearing this.
Listen, we're talking major death around here.
- It's their last night in town.
- They can come.
We'll play doubles.
Yeah.
I knew you'd understand.
Goodbye, Michael.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you angry? No, I'm not mad.
I just have to give a lecture in four minutes, and I still have to decide what it's about.
I'm sorry, guy.
I really am.
It's okay.
It's no biggie.
Um, I'll talk to you later.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' Keep those in-laws rollin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' In-laws Head 'em up, move 'em out, move 'em out, head 'em up Head 'em up, move 'em out, in-laws That's a nice dress.
Looks nice on you.
Yeah, it'd look nicer on you-know-who.
Ooh, she bought you a dress.
That's a capital crime.
I don't mind that she bought me a dress.
I just wish she'd let me pick it out.
- What, she held you at gunpoint? - - Forget it.
No.
I don't understand you two.
She does this really nice thing.
If you don't want the dress, why don't you just tell her? Excuse me.
I couldn't.
I tried to tell her.
Out loud? - You know how she is.
- No.
All I see is the way you are.
I mean, she can't open her mouth without you jumping all over her.
And when did I jump all over her? Last night at dinner, she was trying to be really nice.
You know, totally sweet to our friends.
All of a sudden, you blasted her.
Do you know why I quit dancing? Because when I was 8 years old, I had to come home from every lesson and demonstrate everything that I had learned and endure her constructive criticism.
I mean, silly me that I should think that it might be fun.
Why is it at every recital I threw up? At 8 years old.
Honey, I'm not on her side.
I just think you're gonna be miserable till you find a way to confront her about all this stuff.
I know, I know.
You're right.
What? Nothing.
I wanna thank you for bringing us to this restaurant.
Your daughter's been all over me for months to come here.
It was either this or Janey's education, so we opted for Janey's education.
Now, that looks lovely.
Is that bacon on the top there? Either that or they left the wrapping on it.
Someone's gonna have to help me with this.
- What did you get, darling? - Uh, the squab.
Oh, I could never eat squab.
Well, I like it, actually.
It's kind of delicate.
You know, I can't tell the difference between squab, which cost $18, and the pigeon that messes up my windshield.
That's easy.
The pigeon has more meat on it.
Then maybe you should just I don't I think that's mostly potatoes, so you don't have to worry about your cholesterol.
I wasn't worried about it at all.
Mike, does your doctor tell you what your cholesterol count is? I mean, Ted thinks that everyone has to know what their cholesterol count is.
I think I'd really I think I'd like I think I'd really like to know what you meant by that, Mother.
About what, honey? That business about the squab and what you wouldn't eat and.
.
- I don't know.
- I was just making conversation.
Well, I think that there are other conversations to be made besides whether I should eat what I want or not.
Well, I didn't tell you that you shouldn't eat it.
You implied that I shouldn't.
I said I didn't want to eat it.
- Isn't that the same thing? - No.
I I mean, you're grown-up.
It's a free country.
Yes.
I-I think, though, that when you you say that you don't like what someone eats and go on to state why, I think that there's an implied message, and I and I Oh, God, this is not just about food, Mother.
I mean, why is it that whenever we're together, you have to make it so difficult and find fault in everything that I do? And you can always do everything better than I can.
Why? You cannot tell me how to eat and how to dress and how to raise my child.
How dare you say this to me after two days of constant, constant sniping! I can't even open my mouth without committing some horrible transgression in your eyes.
- What sniping? - Hope.
You have been rude and ungracious from the moment we arrived.
Now, I'm sorry that Daddy and I are such a burden to you, but after tomorrow you don't have to put up with us anymore.
Mother, that is not what I meant.
Mother! Michael, is, um is that the salt hiding over there? Thank you.
Are you still eating? I have to eat as many of these as I can before we leave.
You can't get them in Arizona.
That's what you get for going to live on a golf course.
You know, you can take some with you.
No, they don't taste as good there.
Oh, Daddy.
I guess we just don't see enough of you guys.
Mm-hmm.
Why? Why does she make it so hard? She's so She loves you.
Is that how she shows it, Daddy? My whole life, she's She's always been at me.
It was like I didn't exist, or it was like there was no me or who I was didn't matter at all to her.
Quiet now.
I don't like the way you're talking.
Yeah, but it's true.
What's true? You didn't exist? Are you kidding me? You, with your mouth? All I can remember is you as a 2-year-old 2 years old Standing in the kitchen of the old house.
Remember? On Lonopy Road? You standing there with your hands on your hips, toe-to-toe with her, screaming, "No, I will not eat my breakfast 'cause I don't like oatmeal 'cause oatmeal's got lumps in it.
" And then flinging it across the room.
Didn't exist? You two fought like pit bulls ever since you were halfway out of the cradle.
I used to tiptoe out of the room hoping to get into the bombshell before the whole house exploded.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
We did? Why do you think she pushes so hard? Because telling you something once was never enough.
So you're saying that this is all me.
No.
It's the two of you.
I don't know which one of you is tougher.
I really don't.
I can't accept that.
You're telling me that everything I ever felt That everything I ever felt was wrong? I mean I mean Who decides where you guys eat every night? Who decided it was time to sell the old house? Who lays out your clothes every morning? Hey, I'm color blind.
I know, I know.
She's a formidable person.
Look, you want me to admit it? All right.
I paid my own price being married to someone like your mother.
Sometimes I ask myself how you managed all these years.
Excuse me, young lady.
There's no way you could possibly understand what's gone into the past 32 years, what she's meant to me, what we've meant to each other.
How long have you and Michael been married? Five years? Six? How easy would you say your lives are? I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say to you.
You two are the dearest things in my life.
You should get along better.
Michael, we have to leave for the airport in 42 minutes.
You'll have two minutes.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Who asked you anyway? It's Ruth! Hiya, doll! Hello, Gary.
- You're using that thing? - In a manner of speaking.
It's held together with cardboard and duct tape.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Hope's in there.
That's why I'm going in.
Hey, yoo-hoo! We're in here! Don't mind us.
Just slowly open the curtain.
Get out of here! Did you ever notice what happens when someone flushes the You are dead meat, Shepherd! - Quiet.
I'm working.
- Come on.
Come on.
She'll be out in five minutes.
- Ted, I'll get those.
- I know.
I left the heavy ones on the bed.
Don't you dare carry those down by yourself! Of course not, dear.
So did you end up playing last night? Just with myself.
Sorry.
You sure are.
- Oh, so you're, like, really angry, huh? - I'm not angry.
Yeah.
Come on.
I stood you up twice, so you're angry.
- Have it your way.
- Gary.
What? I'm not angry.
I mean, I think it was irresponsible.
And I think, if you ask me, which you're not, that you're a little too ruled by what certain significant others want.
But it doesn't make me angry.
- Gary - What do you want me to say? We don't make those kind of demands on each other, and that's cool.
I mean, that's sort of the way we've always done it.
But I don't know.
I mean, does that mean we're not supposed to expect anything from each other? I I Maybe, you know? Maybe it does.
- No.
No, it doesn't mean that.
- Just God, this is stupid.
- No, it's not stupid.
Nothing is stupid.
- This is stupid.
Forget it.
See, this really ticks me off, Gare.
Why not just be honest with me? Lookit! I know you're married, and I hope I'm married, too, some millennium, but I just can't get the short end every time.
You know? How about the medium end? Dirtbag.
Crybaby.
Wimp.
Academic.
Ohh! Come on, Janey.
Don't give your mother a hard time.
Michael, could you please tell your daughter to sit still so I can get her ready? We're just going to take one final look.
Did you check under the bed? And in the drawers and in the closet and under the National Geographics in the attic.
Honey, do you think he looked in my drawers? Michael! We're all set.
- Ted, don't carry anything.
- I won't.
What? Nothing.
Let's go.
You're upset.
Gary's upset.
Gary is never upset.
I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
But they'll be gone in an hour, and you can yell at me then.
Honey, I'm not gonna yell at you.
I just don't understand how you can be so competent about so many things and so totally feeble on this subject.
You are so yelling at me.
Everybody's yelling at me.
Honey, they're leaving.
They're 60 years old.
You don't know when in God's name you're gonna see them again.
She's not gonna change, so accept it.
Let it be.
Statute of limitations is up on parental war crimes.
Oh, Janey.
Janey.
Janey! Janey, you drive your mother crazy.
Where were you, sweetheart? Huh? It's okay.
It's okay.
Look, we gotta go to the airport.
We gotta go with Grandma, okay? After all my nagging, I forgot the damn tickets.
Mom.
I'm really sorry if I made your life miserable while you were here.
Mom? I'm really trying.
Give me a break here.
Well, what do you want me to say? This seems to be the way things are with us.
I don't much like it, but I've come to accept it.
Janey, go play for a second.
Good girl.
Do we have to accept it? Uh Oh, Janey, sweetheart, no.
What are you doing? - No, no, no, no.
- Oh, you're driving Mommy Oh, you're gonna drive your mommy's adrenal glands crazy.
- Oh, sweet, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry.
It won't always be this bad.
- It'll get worse.
- Oh, great.
That's the first time you've laughed since I've been here.
I don't know, Hope.
You always seem so tired or so so ill at ease.
I'm only that way with you, Mom.
I am tired.
But I'm not unhappy.
I love my life.
Well, then, why with me? I always feel like you're scrutinizing me.
I'm not.
I've trained myself not to scrutinize you.
But you do.
You're the loudest scrutinizer in the history of the world.
I only want what is best for you.
I have the best.
You're done.
Let go a little.
In your heart, too.
You know, you used to drive from Boston to Philadelphia for Christmas vacation, inevitably in one of those blinding snowstorms, and you would waltz into the house 3:00 in the morning, four hours late, all chipper Yelling, "Hi, everybody.
I'm home.
" And I couldn't speak.
I was I was a complete wreck.
And you'd look at me like I was some kind of crazy person.
I mean, it It's fine when you can pick up your child and save her from imminent catastrophe.
The hard part comes later.
You can't just turn it off.
You You try it 15 years, and you see how you do.
Uh, it's time to hit the proverbial You girls Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
Have a safe trip.
Take a vacation.
You need one.
- Okay.
- Okay, say good-bye to Grandma.
You take good care of this little monster for me.
Remember, we'll see you Christmas.
And buy the tickets early.
- Because those flights get all booked up.
- Yes, Daddy.
- Flight number 823, nonstop to Phoenix, is now boarding.
- Bye.
Come on.
Gotta go.
Now, you be careful lifting this luggage.
- Smart-ass.
- Thank you for everything.
- Okay? - Okay.
Oh, honey.
I love you.
All right.
Thank you.
Bye-bye, Grandma.
Bye-bye.