Those Who Can't (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Oof, Nut City
1 [Indistinct conversations.]
Hey, why's everybody picking on Jason? We don't want your kind here.
- Go home.
- Not my president.
Turns out non-naturalized citizens can't hold student government positions.
- What? - Yeah.
Becky Cosgrove did some digging, had him impeached.
That's outrageous.
Just because they're not born here doesn't mean they don't contribute.
Dude, Jason's Canadian.
- Oh, really? Gross.
- Right? - Hey, Jason, tough luck, buddy.
- Bummer, kiddo.
I guess I just got to take this one on the chin, eh? - There you go.
- Dirty Canadian.
- Oh, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, Fairbell.
What, I thought that's what we were doing.
God.
Well, open his bag up.
See what he's got.
Yeah.
Nothing but a bunch of thank you notes.
They're so polite.
We ain't wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through 8, 9, 10.
And you will marry the varsity quarterback - and live in a castle.
- Whoa! Jackpot.
I'll take that.
Do, doodle-oo, do, do! - [Laughs.]
- Sorry to interrupt you guys.
I know you're all busy crafting your lesson plans for the week.
[Laughter.]
I'll take what I can get.
Okay.
Now, as you know, we have a sudden vacancy in the student presidency, and so far, only one student has signed up to run against Becky Cosgrove.
And it's one of our school's invisible kids.
You know these kids They slip through the cracks.
They never get the chance to really realize their full potent Fairbell, I know you're looking for a ghost.
It's not a ghost.
It's a real person.
It's Richard Cooper, okay? He's a great student, but he's a shy kid, and without help, he will get crushed by Becky Cosgrove.
All right, Quinn.
I get where you're getting at, and I'll do it.
Loren, what do you say? Sound good? What? Why him? He's a Spanish teacher.
We need a cool guy and he is the coolest guy in here.
What about future's so bright over there? He's pretty cool.
Rod went out with his army buddies last night, got a little food poisoning from some wild turkey.
Always cook your poultry.
Make sure it's cooked, okay? Loren, I came to you with this because you are the man.
P-p-p-pew.
Fine, whatever.
I'll do it.
- [Laughs.]
- All right, whatever.
Nice apathy, Loren.
It's student government, Abbey.
Who cares? Student government is the gateway drug to real government.
What's the one thing all kids really love? - Vaping.
- Fingering - Origami? - Arguing.
Arguing, and so let's let them argue in a rough-and-tumble debate.
- I'll moderate.
- Kids do love vaping.
Abbey, debating can be so, uhhh, confrontational.
It'll be educational.
Let's vote.
We'll do it eighth period so you guys don't have to have a class.
- Yeah, no, I'll do that.
- Yeah.
Well, I would stand here and debate you on why having a debate is a bad idea, but I'm not a hypocrite, okay? Someone prop him up against the vending machine, please.
This kid just wrote Barcelona soccer players.
- Flip it over, Fairbell.
- This is a grammar test.
- I've done this before.
- M-Mr.
Payton.
Richard Cooper.
- You're gonna mentor me in the election.
- Oh, right Richard.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, I'm a firm believer in the hands-off method of mentoring, so do whatever you were planning on doing and then, um, we'll just take a few photos on election day.
- All right? - Hey, Richard.
I heard you were running against me for class president.
You're joking, right? Uh, is this your campaign team? Oh, my god, Pepé le Pew, a rage addict, and the school idiot.
I'm not a rage addict.
Well, losers attract losers.
You'd be better off on your own, Richard.
I'll try not to embarrass you too badly.
I should just quit now.
Oh, no, you're not.
That future Nancy Grace segment just earned you a dream team, bitch.
Yeah, I was gonna phone this in, but I'll be damned if I'll let Becky make an ass out of me.
You guys on board? - I am now.
- What are we doing? First things first, we're gonna create a whole new you.
I'm gonna turn you into a campaigning machine, bud.
And I'm gonna turn this body into this body.
I'm gonna create a whole new aesthetic.
If high school movies have taught me anything, it all starts with this.
Get ready For a brand-new you - Makeover - You're gonna love this, dude.
You're just a little drowsy still.
Just keep it straight.
Keep coming straight.
Oh, hey, allow me.
I love this place.
- [Horn honks.]
- [Crash.]
Your social status is alarming - Watch me, all right? - You need to improve Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for coming out.
You've got to make yourself more charming - Uh-oh.
- You got to be smooth Now you try.
Nobody said it would be easy Don't go down on that dummy.
- Work it, got to work it - [Grunt, chuckles, groans.]
Watch and learn.
- You got to work it, yeah - Oof! So, you can see this mountain lion goes up to the back porch, like totally - You're lookin' good now - Yeah, yeah, looks great, dude.
- Looks really good.
- Just like you should, now Take a right.
- Oh, yeah.
- You knew you could now Come on, Richard! - Oh, yes! - Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yes! - get ready for a brand-new you - Hmm.
- Makeover - Can you see us? - Hey.
Loren: Yeah, looks good, right.
Technically, we could've taken the gauze off two days ago, but we felt that would've ruined the surprise.
Go look at yourself.
Come on.
- It's the new you.
- There he is.
- Ooh.
- You look good.
Yeah.
Diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Got got got diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Got got got diamonds on my wrist - Homie, diamonds on my neck - Loren: Our boy looks good, right? Yeah, he looks great.
- Vote for Rich.
- Look at that.
It's politics in action.
Bringing out the best in people.
[Laughter.]
- Here we go! - Here we go, my man.
Might want to dial it back a little bit, okay? Yeah, because politics is all about dialing it back a little bit.
- [Laughs.]
- Ooh, you tell him, Rich! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! It's your fifth year here, Eddie.
Nobody's impressed.
Oh, hello, Abbey.
I, uh, didn't realize it was already 10:45.
I guess tying flies when you're having fun.
Have you been waiting a long time to say that? He said that three times already.
Okay, thanks, Tammy.
I got it from here.
Abbey, I just wanted to have a quick little chit chat with you about your upcoming debate.
Oh, it's gonna be a real bloodbath.
Or why not make it about fun? This is a great opportunity to show kids the political process.
Why are you being such a chicken shit about it.
Whoa, okay.
Let's tone down the beltway language.
How about it? Debates lead to chaos.
I'm a bigger fan of elections that lead to good vibes.
Well, maybe that's why no political figures have ever come out of our school.
Well Someone is forgetting about city comptroller Theresa Ortega.
Well, maybe it's time for you to kick these birds out of the nest and let them fly.
Well, maybe I don't want to see dead birds all over the ground.
Well, I'm tired of hearing this shit.
Okay, Tammy, that's enough.
Look, Abbey, please do not make your debate about conflict.
Conflict is sort of the key ingredient at any debate, so I will be bringing it.
Enjoy the show.
Well, I guess I will if you Lure me there.
Boy, put that fly down! - [School bell rings.]
- All right.
Tomorrow, we'll continue our conversation about why JFK is not internet speak for Just F'ing Kidding.
Bad news, Shoemaker.
We are getting hammered in the polls.
- Last place.
- What happened? - That means second.
- Third.
We're still trailing the write-in vote for Peyton Manning.
Whatever.
I'm having fun.
Politics isn't about fun.
That's why presidents age in dog years.
Obama came in Denzel and he's leaving Morgan Freeman.
[Knocking.]
- I just heard a knock.
- Thank you, Fairbell.
Oh, look, one of Becky's harpies.
- Get out.
- A present.
"Good luck at the debate.
Becky.
" Gloating.
I can't even eat these.
I'm allergic to peanuts.
How am I just finding out about this?! We have to switch hats to security.
This is clearly an attack.
You think Becky did this on purpose? No, no, I think it's purely coincidence that you happen to be deathly allergic to nuts and she sends you nut cookies.
Well, not deathly allergic.
I just get phlegmy and, you know, flushed.
Yeah, no one cares.
I'll tell you who is deadly allergic.
Me.
I so much as breathe nut dust, all systems shut down.
So, what were to happen if you - just put a couple of nuts in your mouth? - [Scoffs.]
Honestly, nuts anywhere around my face trouble time.
What about just licking nuts? Are you kidding? That's how I discovered my allergy.
Nut-licking.
I was just licking and licking and licking.
Sometimes just sucking.
My mom was like, "enough nuts in your room.
" I was like, "I'm a grown up.
I can keep them in here if I want.
" - I could do this all day.
- Yeah.
But in order to win this election, we're gonna have to tear Becky Cosgrove down.
I'm gonna get my hands dirty.
I think I'm gonna stick around and milk this a bit.
Yeah, dude.
Have fun.
Okay, you're at a truck stop, all right? - [Scoffs.]
- Nut City.
All right, Tammy, I'm just gonna lay this out for you, okay? I don't like you, and I don't like you, but unfortunately, I need your help, so maybe there's a way we could both benefit.
Check that out Five big ones.
It's a lot of flamin' hot Cheetos, isn't it? And they could all be yours if you just give me the file for Becky Cosgrove.
What do you say? Loren, if you were on fire, I'd bring marshmallows.
Yeah, I have no doubt you'd find a way to make a meal out of it.
You know, I could just take that file.
[Laughs.]
Well You could try.
Little bitch! Tammy? Billy: Fairbell.
It's 100 degrees outside.
Stranger pulls up, you get in for the A/C.
No big deal, right? You look down, nuts are in his lap.
What's your reaction? Andy: I might touch his nuts just to be polite, but definitely wash my hands afterward.
Like, "thank you for this favor.
I'm not gonna put my mouth all over them.
Just quick grab and then please let me off at the next rest stop.
" Hey, hey, cut the chatter.
Someone's giving golden dragon a food item.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, cake boss.
I'll handle this.
Fairbell.
Nut check.
Uh, oh, what if these have nuts in them? A real secret service agent would take a bullet for his president.
Now, you swore an oath.
I did swear that oath.
Just maybe take a corner of a piece of that.
Or the entire thing.
- [Wheezes.]
- Well? - [Straining.]
- Nut City.
Look at that.
Get into your oven and you just start Fairbell, enough And you just start baking all willy nilly.
You think you can do whatever you want, but you almost took out the greatest leader of your generation.
I do not want to play right now, Fairbell.
He needs an epipen.
I guess we shouldn't let him die.
Tell me how this happened again.
I told you I walked into a door.
Yeah, doors can be tricky.
I'm gonna write you a prescription for oxy.
One for you and one for me.
Thanks, Dr.
Greene.
You don't happen to have Becky Cosgrove's medical file, do you? Mind if I take a quick peak? - [Chuckles.]
- Come on, Loren.
You know sharing students' medical information is illegal.
Illegal? Like giving human growth hormone to pro baseball players? Hey, I made baseball watchable, okay? Every god damn team in that league was using me.
Who do you think got rid of bud selig's crow's feet? You got it.
- You did.
- This guy right here.
And then when the heat came down, they threw me out like a prom baby.
- Hey, Doc.
- Like a prom baby! Hey, dumbo here got into the peanuts, and apparently he's allergic.
Good news is he's still blinking to communicate, though.
Okay, yeah, that is not good news.
- Uh - Stay with us.
Epinephrine.
- Oh, look at that.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, how does one go about using one of those? Oh, it's really easy.
You just pop the top off and then Hey, why don't you do it? I-I mean, I wouldn't even know where to so, just, uh It's a stab, yeah.
But but an aggressive one like Whoa! Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yep.
Whoo.
That's oddly cathartic.
Maybe I should grab a few more of these for the road.
Okay, yeah All of them.
I just touched a light.
That's That's not the door.
You working on the big debate? Whole school's buzzing about it.
Look at Rod.
Actually, Rod's more wheezing than buzzing.
You're really leading off with a Benghazi question? Do you think they're gonna know that? Is there something that I can help you with, Loren? There is something I can help you with.
There's 5 bucks.
- Buys a lot of red vines, doesn't it? - Hmm.
So, why don't you go find a tree to drag a deer into and I'll keep an eye on your little debate questions while you're gone.
What do you say? Oh, it's so damp.
No.
Well, can I at least have my $5 back, then? No.
Okay, Mr.
Payton, you got five minutes.
I got a story deadline.
Chen, glad I found you.
Hope you're wearing a lead vest under that aeropostale hoodie, 'cause I'm about to drop a nuclear bomb on this election.
Give me something juicy.
What do you have? Good stuff here.
Turns out Becky Cosgrove has been driving in the HPV Lane.
And? And? What do you mean and? You're telling me a student at Smoot has HPV.
Yeah, Becky Cosgrove.
Let me show you her file, dude.
It's disgusting.
- It's like - [Stammers.]
News flash Everybody has HPV.
Okay, everybody in this library's got HPV.
I've got HPV three times.
How's that even work, Chen? Get yourself checked.
Call me when she has syphilis.
I'm sorry, Chen.
I thought I was talking to a tabloid mastermind, not the student editor of a stupid school newspaper.
There you go.
Well, latest polls are in, and we are neck and neck with Becky.
Looks like my little pap smear campaign worked.
Wait, you did this? I know it's always a bit jarring to see how the sausage is made, but trust me, everybody does this.
FDR, Gandhi, city comptroller Theresa Ortega.
Oh, I don't give a shit screw Becky.
- Wow, let's go for the jugular.
- Okay.
I didn't get my eyes lasiked by a chinese line cook to lose to some bottle blonde with HPV.
I think someone is ready.
Yeah, maybe a little too ready.
Hey, did you guys read that Becky has huvpuv [Hpv.]
? - Get out, Fairbell.
- Just go, dude.
What are you even contributing at this point? I swore an oath to protect Richard.
Go get us all waters.
You can't go in.
No visitors.
- Did somebody hit you? - [Scoffs.]
No, I ran into a door with a hand on it.
Richard did this? - Yeah, but I was being super annoying.
- Let me handle this.
Please, don't tell him I let you in.
I think he's gonna figure it out.
Oh.
Listen, Richard, we've all wanted to slap Coach Fairbell, but we Hey, I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here, or at all.
You know, I'm actually, uh, less worried about that and more worried about you getting me a java chip frappuccino.
Think you can handle that, Chief? - Dude, did you just flick a cigarette at me? - Yes.
All right, dude, we're going to the principal's office right now.
Take me to Quinn's office, because I'm sure he'd love to know how this sausage was made.
We didn't make sausage, we made a dick.
Look at you.
Eagle 1 to Robot Shark.
- Roger and alert.
- Dude.
Yeah, we got a problem child in the bullpen right now.
Subject's about 5'9", bearded, pasty, and unattractive.
I think Loren's attractive.
- Fairbell.
- Yes, sir.
Nut check.
Oh, that one's actually shaped just like a nut, so Just check.
I thought you said you're not even that allergic.
- I'm not.
- [Wheezing.]
Again with the wheezing.
Oh my.
It's time.
[Wheezing.]
Miss Cosgrove, the smoot point reported that you are against same-sex dances.
Is that true? Billy: God, I didn't realize debates took this long.
I can't believe that little shit Had the balls to fire me.
You kidding? He almost killed Fairbell.
If Fairbell's gonna die, he'll die by my hand.
- Look at him.
He's over stimulated.
- Mm-hmm.
He's like a dog at a fireworks show.
Mr.
Cooper, how would you respond to miss Cosgrove's allegations of dirty campaigning on your part? I'm glad you asked.
I know there have been some hurt feelings over how our campaigns were conducted, so, today, I fired my campaign manager, who was not only irresponsible, but also unattractive.
[Laughter.]
I'm not unattractive.
I have rugged good looks.
I'm with Team Richard on this one.
You're very Oregon trail healthy.
It's a hot look.
Go to Portland.
I crush in Portland.
Miss Cosgrove, a rebuttal.
I didn't do anything to you, Richard.
You mean, uh, other than try and kill me? [Audience gasps.]
Yes, you sent me cookies with nuts in them when you knew I was deathly allergic.
Mr.
Cooper, are you accusing Miss Cosgrove - of attempted murder? - [Audience gasps.]
He's this bad now, what's gonna happen when he's actually elected? I don't know that there's anything we can do to stop him.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
What are you doing? Okay, why why don't we all just sing a song? - Richard's lying.
- What are you doing? You're barely allergic to peanuts.
- I'll prove it.
- It's a nut storm.
Stop! I have rugged good looks! Stand down, Mr.
Payton! I will not stand down.
Open up, baby bird.
My oath.
[Gasps.]
Oh! That's my partner! Not on my watch, Robot Shark! [Audience gasps.]
Okay, what is going on here? This is supposed to be a silly little debate! It's only silly if we allow it to be silly! It can be as silly as I want it to be! - Rod: It's corrupt! - [Audience gasps.]
The whole system's collapsing! It's rotten from the inside! The organs are failing, there's blood in the stool.
Abbey: That's a very colorful description, Mr.
Knorr, but I'm not sure that smoot's political system is failing.
Not the political system, copper tops My system.
I think it's my pancreas.
Oh, I called in sick.
That was a cry for help, but you assholes You just weekend at Bernie'd me all over the school.
I need a doctor.
- [Crash.]
- [Audience gasps.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah, we probably should've been more on top of that.
Mr.
Knorr is right.
This whole school needs a doctor, because Smoot High is sick.
With teachers like these, it's no wonder we're duped by dirty Canadians.
It's no wonder we've only produced a single government official City comptroller Theresa Ortega.
[Cheers and applause.]
This whole school is a joke, and I, for one, am tired of the joke being on us.
If you elect me, I promise we will tear it all down and build something better together! [Cheers and applause.]
[Up-tempo music plays.]
[Tambourine rattling.]
- [Gasps.]
- Heaven is real.
Welcome back, buddy.
We should probably call an ambulance.
No, he's fine.
We've done this a bunch of times.
Oh, Rod yeah.
Let's just wait till the song's over.
Peanut? Sure.
[Crowd chanting "Richard".]
[Crowd chanting "U.
S.
A.
".]
I hope you're all happy.
Richard Cooper just declared himself eternal light and supreme leader.
Well, you wanted him to win.
He won.
Wait, what is What is that? [Marching band playing in distance.]
Richard: Halt, brave men and women of the R.
O.
T.
C.
Too long have your weapons been used for spinning and halftime showmanship.
Where did he get a horse? - [Scoffs.]
- I think that's Bucky.
- Chetwood High's mascot.
- [Chuckles.]
I hate to admit it, but he's kind of a badass.
Together, we will establish a new iron order at Smoot High! Onward! Okay, I'm getting Tammy.
Billy: Fairbell, here's the scenario.
You're at a YMCA swimming pool.
Guy goes by you in the deep end, nuts come out of his swimsuit.
- What do you do? - Easy.
Grab, like, a pool net, maybe use my hands.
I don't want to come up for air and get his nuts in my mouth.
None of this is ringing any alarm bells for you, is it? - It's a pretty serious allergy.
- [Scoffs.]
We're talking about testicles, Fairbell.
- Uh same answer.
- See.
Hey, why's everybody picking on Jason? We don't want your kind here.
- Go home.
- Not my president.
Turns out non-naturalized citizens can't hold student government positions.
- What? - Yeah.
Becky Cosgrove did some digging, had him impeached.
That's outrageous.
Just because they're not born here doesn't mean they don't contribute.
Dude, Jason's Canadian.
- Oh, really? Gross.
- Right? - Hey, Jason, tough luck, buddy.
- Bummer, kiddo.
I guess I just got to take this one on the chin, eh? - There you go.
- Dirty Canadian.
- Oh, whoa, whoa! - Whoa, Fairbell.
What, I thought that's what we were doing.
God.
Well, open his bag up.
See what he's got.
Yeah.
Nothing but a bunch of thank you notes.
They're so polite.
We ain't wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through 8, 9, 10.
And you will marry the varsity quarterback - and live in a castle.
- Whoa! Jackpot.
I'll take that.
Do, doodle-oo, do, do! - [Laughs.]
- Sorry to interrupt you guys.
I know you're all busy crafting your lesson plans for the week.
[Laughter.]
I'll take what I can get.
Okay.
Now, as you know, we have a sudden vacancy in the student presidency, and so far, only one student has signed up to run against Becky Cosgrove.
And it's one of our school's invisible kids.
You know these kids They slip through the cracks.
They never get the chance to really realize their full potent Fairbell, I know you're looking for a ghost.
It's not a ghost.
It's a real person.
It's Richard Cooper, okay? He's a great student, but he's a shy kid, and without help, he will get crushed by Becky Cosgrove.
All right, Quinn.
I get where you're getting at, and I'll do it.
Loren, what do you say? Sound good? What? Why him? He's a Spanish teacher.
We need a cool guy and he is the coolest guy in here.
What about future's so bright over there? He's pretty cool.
Rod went out with his army buddies last night, got a little food poisoning from some wild turkey.
Always cook your poultry.
Make sure it's cooked, okay? Loren, I came to you with this because you are the man.
P-p-p-pew.
Fine, whatever.
I'll do it.
- [Laughs.]
- All right, whatever.
Nice apathy, Loren.
It's student government, Abbey.
Who cares? Student government is the gateway drug to real government.
What's the one thing all kids really love? - Vaping.
- Fingering - Origami? - Arguing.
Arguing, and so let's let them argue in a rough-and-tumble debate.
- I'll moderate.
- Kids do love vaping.
Abbey, debating can be so, uhhh, confrontational.
It'll be educational.
Let's vote.
We'll do it eighth period so you guys don't have to have a class.
- Yeah, no, I'll do that.
- Yeah.
Well, I would stand here and debate you on why having a debate is a bad idea, but I'm not a hypocrite, okay? Someone prop him up against the vending machine, please.
This kid just wrote Barcelona soccer players.
- Flip it over, Fairbell.
- This is a grammar test.
- I've done this before.
- M-Mr.
Payton.
Richard Cooper.
- You're gonna mentor me in the election.
- Oh, right Richard.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, I'm a firm believer in the hands-off method of mentoring, so do whatever you were planning on doing and then, um, we'll just take a few photos on election day.
- All right? - Hey, Richard.
I heard you were running against me for class president.
You're joking, right? Uh, is this your campaign team? Oh, my god, Pepé le Pew, a rage addict, and the school idiot.
I'm not a rage addict.
Well, losers attract losers.
You'd be better off on your own, Richard.
I'll try not to embarrass you too badly.
I should just quit now.
Oh, no, you're not.
That future Nancy Grace segment just earned you a dream team, bitch.
Yeah, I was gonna phone this in, but I'll be damned if I'll let Becky make an ass out of me.
You guys on board? - I am now.
- What are we doing? First things first, we're gonna create a whole new you.
I'm gonna turn you into a campaigning machine, bud.
And I'm gonna turn this body into this body.
I'm gonna create a whole new aesthetic.
If high school movies have taught me anything, it all starts with this.
Get ready For a brand-new you - Makeover - You're gonna love this, dude.
You're just a little drowsy still.
Just keep it straight.
Keep coming straight.
Oh, hey, allow me.
I love this place.
- [Horn honks.]
- [Crash.]
Your social status is alarming - Watch me, all right? - You need to improve Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for coming out.
You've got to make yourself more charming - Uh-oh.
- You got to be smooth Now you try.
Nobody said it would be easy Don't go down on that dummy.
- Work it, got to work it - [Grunt, chuckles, groans.]
Watch and learn.
- You got to work it, yeah - Oof! So, you can see this mountain lion goes up to the back porch, like totally - You're lookin' good now - Yeah, yeah, looks great, dude.
- Looks really good.
- Just like you should, now Take a right.
- Oh, yeah.
- You knew you could now Come on, Richard! - Oh, yes! - Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yes! - get ready for a brand-new you - Hmm.
- Makeover - Can you see us? - Hey.
Loren: Yeah, looks good, right.
Technically, we could've taken the gauze off two days ago, but we felt that would've ruined the surprise.
Go look at yourself.
Come on.
- It's the new you.
- There he is.
- Ooh.
- You look good.
Yeah.
Diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Got got got diamonds on my wrist Homie, diamonds on my neck Got got got diamonds on my wrist - Homie, diamonds on my neck - Loren: Our boy looks good, right? Yeah, he looks great.
- Vote for Rich.
- Look at that.
It's politics in action.
Bringing out the best in people.
[Laughter.]
- Here we go! - Here we go, my man.
Might want to dial it back a little bit, okay? Yeah, because politics is all about dialing it back a little bit.
- [Laughs.]
- Ooh, you tell him, Rich! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! It's your fifth year here, Eddie.
Nobody's impressed.
Oh, hello, Abbey.
I, uh, didn't realize it was already 10:45.
I guess tying flies when you're having fun.
Have you been waiting a long time to say that? He said that three times already.
Okay, thanks, Tammy.
I got it from here.
Abbey, I just wanted to have a quick little chit chat with you about your upcoming debate.
Oh, it's gonna be a real bloodbath.
Or why not make it about fun? This is a great opportunity to show kids the political process.
Why are you being such a chicken shit about it.
Whoa, okay.
Let's tone down the beltway language.
How about it? Debates lead to chaos.
I'm a bigger fan of elections that lead to good vibes.
Well, maybe that's why no political figures have ever come out of our school.
Well Someone is forgetting about city comptroller Theresa Ortega.
Well, maybe it's time for you to kick these birds out of the nest and let them fly.
Well, maybe I don't want to see dead birds all over the ground.
Well, I'm tired of hearing this shit.
Okay, Tammy, that's enough.
Look, Abbey, please do not make your debate about conflict.
Conflict is sort of the key ingredient at any debate, so I will be bringing it.
Enjoy the show.
Well, I guess I will if you Lure me there.
Boy, put that fly down! - [School bell rings.]
- All right.
Tomorrow, we'll continue our conversation about why JFK is not internet speak for Just F'ing Kidding.
Bad news, Shoemaker.
We are getting hammered in the polls.
- Last place.
- What happened? - That means second.
- Third.
We're still trailing the write-in vote for Peyton Manning.
Whatever.
I'm having fun.
Politics isn't about fun.
That's why presidents age in dog years.
Obama came in Denzel and he's leaving Morgan Freeman.
[Knocking.]
- I just heard a knock.
- Thank you, Fairbell.
Oh, look, one of Becky's harpies.
- Get out.
- A present.
"Good luck at the debate.
Becky.
" Gloating.
I can't even eat these.
I'm allergic to peanuts.
How am I just finding out about this?! We have to switch hats to security.
This is clearly an attack.
You think Becky did this on purpose? No, no, I think it's purely coincidence that you happen to be deathly allergic to nuts and she sends you nut cookies.
Well, not deathly allergic.
I just get phlegmy and, you know, flushed.
Yeah, no one cares.
I'll tell you who is deadly allergic.
Me.
I so much as breathe nut dust, all systems shut down.
So, what were to happen if you - just put a couple of nuts in your mouth? - [Scoffs.]
Honestly, nuts anywhere around my face trouble time.
What about just licking nuts? Are you kidding? That's how I discovered my allergy.
Nut-licking.
I was just licking and licking and licking.
Sometimes just sucking.
My mom was like, "enough nuts in your room.
" I was like, "I'm a grown up.
I can keep them in here if I want.
" - I could do this all day.
- Yeah.
But in order to win this election, we're gonna have to tear Becky Cosgrove down.
I'm gonna get my hands dirty.
I think I'm gonna stick around and milk this a bit.
Yeah, dude.
Have fun.
Okay, you're at a truck stop, all right? - [Scoffs.]
- Nut City.
All right, Tammy, I'm just gonna lay this out for you, okay? I don't like you, and I don't like you, but unfortunately, I need your help, so maybe there's a way we could both benefit.
Check that out Five big ones.
It's a lot of flamin' hot Cheetos, isn't it? And they could all be yours if you just give me the file for Becky Cosgrove.
What do you say? Loren, if you were on fire, I'd bring marshmallows.
Yeah, I have no doubt you'd find a way to make a meal out of it.
You know, I could just take that file.
[Laughs.]
Well You could try.
Little bitch! Tammy? Billy: Fairbell.
It's 100 degrees outside.
Stranger pulls up, you get in for the A/C.
No big deal, right? You look down, nuts are in his lap.
What's your reaction? Andy: I might touch his nuts just to be polite, but definitely wash my hands afterward.
Like, "thank you for this favor.
I'm not gonna put my mouth all over them.
Just quick grab and then please let me off at the next rest stop.
" Hey, hey, cut the chatter.
Someone's giving golden dragon a food item.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, cake boss.
I'll handle this.
Fairbell.
Nut check.
Uh, oh, what if these have nuts in them? A real secret service agent would take a bullet for his president.
Now, you swore an oath.
I did swear that oath.
Just maybe take a corner of a piece of that.
Or the entire thing.
- [Wheezes.]
- Well? - [Straining.]
- Nut City.
Look at that.
Get into your oven and you just start Fairbell, enough And you just start baking all willy nilly.
You think you can do whatever you want, but you almost took out the greatest leader of your generation.
I do not want to play right now, Fairbell.
He needs an epipen.
I guess we shouldn't let him die.
Tell me how this happened again.
I told you I walked into a door.
Yeah, doors can be tricky.
I'm gonna write you a prescription for oxy.
One for you and one for me.
Thanks, Dr.
Greene.
You don't happen to have Becky Cosgrove's medical file, do you? Mind if I take a quick peak? - [Chuckles.]
- Come on, Loren.
You know sharing students' medical information is illegal.
Illegal? Like giving human growth hormone to pro baseball players? Hey, I made baseball watchable, okay? Every god damn team in that league was using me.
Who do you think got rid of bud selig's crow's feet? You got it.
- You did.
- This guy right here.
And then when the heat came down, they threw me out like a prom baby.
- Hey, Doc.
- Like a prom baby! Hey, dumbo here got into the peanuts, and apparently he's allergic.
Good news is he's still blinking to communicate, though.
Okay, yeah, that is not good news.
- Uh - Stay with us.
Epinephrine.
- Oh, look at that.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, how does one go about using one of those? Oh, it's really easy.
You just pop the top off and then Hey, why don't you do it? I-I mean, I wouldn't even know where to so, just, uh It's a stab, yeah.
But but an aggressive one like Whoa! Yeah.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yep.
Whoo.
That's oddly cathartic.
Maybe I should grab a few more of these for the road.
Okay, yeah All of them.
I just touched a light.
That's That's not the door.
You working on the big debate? Whole school's buzzing about it.
Look at Rod.
Actually, Rod's more wheezing than buzzing.
You're really leading off with a Benghazi question? Do you think they're gonna know that? Is there something that I can help you with, Loren? There is something I can help you with.
There's 5 bucks.
- Buys a lot of red vines, doesn't it? - Hmm.
So, why don't you go find a tree to drag a deer into and I'll keep an eye on your little debate questions while you're gone.
What do you say? Oh, it's so damp.
No.
Well, can I at least have my $5 back, then? No.
Okay, Mr.
Payton, you got five minutes.
I got a story deadline.
Chen, glad I found you.
Hope you're wearing a lead vest under that aeropostale hoodie, 'cause I'm about to drop a nuclear bomb on this election.
Give me something juicy.
What do you have? Good stuff here.
Turns out Becky Cosgrove has been driving in the HPV Lane.
And? And? What do you mean and? You're telling me a student at Smoot has HPV.
Yeah, Becky Cosgrove.
Let me show you her file, dude.
It's disgusting.
- It's like - [Stammers.]
News flash Everybody has HPV.
Okay, everybody in this library's got HPV.
I've got HPV three times.
How's that even work, Chen? Get yourself checked.
Call me when she has syphilis.
I'm sorry, Chen.
I thought I was talking to a tabloid mastermind, not the student editor of a stupid school newspaper.
There you go.
Well, latest polls are in, and we are neck and neck with Becky.
Looks like my little pap smear campaign worked.
Wait, you did this? I know it's always a bit jarring to see how the sausage is made, but trust me, everybody does this.
FDR, Gandhi, city comptroller Theresa Ortega.
Oh, I don't give a shit screw Becky.
- Wow, let's go for the jugular.
- Okay.
I didn't get my eyes lasiked by a chinese line cook to lose to some bottle blonde with HPV.
I think someone is ready.
Yeah, maybe a little too ready.
Hey, did you guys read that Becky has huvpuv [Hpv.]
? - Get out, Fairbell.
- Just go, dude.
What are you even contributing at this point? I swore an oath to protect Richard.
Go get us all waters.
You can't go in.
No visitors.
- Did somebody hit you? - [Scoffs.]
No, I ran into a door with a hand on it.
Richard did this? - Yeah, but I was being super annoying.
- Let me handle this.
Please, don't tell him I let you in.
I think he's gonna figure it out.
Oh.
Listen, Richard, we've all wanted to slap Coach Fairbell, but we Hey, I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here, or at all.
You know, I'm actually, uh, less worried about that and more worried about you getting me a java chip frappuccino.
Think you can handle that, Chief? - Dude, did you just flick a cigarette at me? - Yes.
All right, dude, we're going to the principal's office right now.
Take me to Quinn's office, because I'm sure he'd love to know how this sausage was made.
We didn't make sausage, we made a dick.
Look at you.
Eagle 1 to Robot Shark.
- Roger and alert.
- Dude.
Yeah, we got a problem child in the bullpen right now.
Subject's about 5'9", bearded, pasty, and unattractive.
I think Loren's attractive.
- Fairbell.
- Yes, sir.
Nut check.
Oh, that one's actually shaped just like a nut, so Just check.
I thought you said you're not even that allergic.
- I'm not.
- [Wheezing.]
Again with the wheezing.
Oh my.
It's time.
[Wheezing.]
Miss Cosgrove, the smoot point reported that you are against same-sex dances.
Is that true? Billy: God, I didn't realize debates took this long.
I can't believe that little shit Had the balls to fire me.
You kidding? He almost killed Fairbell.
If Fairbell's gonna die, he'll die by my hand.
- Look at him.
He's over stimulated.
- Mm-hmm.
He's like a dog at a fireworks show.
Mr.
Cooper, how would you respond to miss Cosgrove's allegations of dirty campaigning on your part? I'm glad you asked.
I know there have been some hurt feelings over how our campaigns were conducted, so, today, I fired my campaign manager, who was not only irresponsible, but also unattractive.
[Laughter.]
I'm not unattractive.
I have rugged good looks.
I'm with Team Richard on this one.
You're very Oregon trail healthy.
It's a hot look.
Go to Portland.
I crush in Portland.
Miss Cosgrove, a rebuttal.
I didn't do anything to you, Richard.
You mean, uh, other than try and kill me? [Audience gasps.]
Yes, you sent me cookies with nuts in them when you knew I was deathly allergic.
Mr.
Cooper, are you accusing Miss Cosgrove - of attempted murder? - [Audience gasps.]
He's this bad now, what's gonna happen when he's actually elected? I don't know that there's anything we can do to stop him.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
What are you doing? Okay, why why don't we all just sing a song? - Richard's lying.
- What are you doing? You're barely allergic to peanuts.
- I'll prove it.
- It's a nut storm.
Stop! I have rugged good looks! Stand down, Mr.
Payton! I will not stand down.
Open up, baby bird.
My oath.
[Gasps.]
Oh! That's my partner! Not on my watch, Robot Shark! [Audience gasps.]
Okay, what is going on here? This is supposed to be a silly little debate! It's only silly if we allow it to be silly! It can be as silly as I want it to be! - Rod: It's corrupt! - [Audience gasps.]
The whole system's collapsing! It's rotten from the inside! The organs are failing, there's blood in the stool.
Abbey: That's a very colorful description, Mr.
Knorr, but I'm not sure that smoot's political system is failing.
Not the political system, copper tops My system.
I think it's my pancreas.
Oh, I called in sick.
That was a cry for help, but you assholes You just weekend at Bernie'd me all over the school.
I need a doctor.
- [Crash.]
- [Audience gasps.]
Oh.
Oh, yeah, we probably should've been more on top of that.
Mr.
Knorr is right.
This whole school needs a doctor, because Smoot High is sick.
With teachers like these, it's no wonder we're duped by dirty Canadians.
It's no wonder we've only produced a single government official City comptroller Theresa Ortega.
[Cheers and applause.]
This whole school is a joke, and I, for one, am tired of the joke being on us.
If you elect me, I promise we will tear it all down and build something better together! [Cheers and applause.]
[Up-tempo music plays.]
[Tambourine rattling.]
- [Gasps.]
- Heaven is real.
Welcome back, buddy.
We should probably call an ambulance.
No, he's fine.
We've done this a bunch of times.
Oh, Rod yeah.
Let's just wait till the song's over.
Peanut? Sure.
[Crowd chanting "Richard".]
[Crowd chanting "U.
S.
A.
".]
I hope you're all happy.
Richard Cooper just declared himself eternal light and supreme leader.
Well, you wanted him to win.
He won.
Wait, what is What is that? [Marching band playing in distance.]
Richard: Halt, brave men and women of the R.
O.
T.
C.
Too long have your weapons been used for spinning and halftime showmanship.
Where did he get a horse? - [Scoffs.]
- I think that's Bucky.
- Chetwood High's mascot.
- [Chuckles.]
I hate to admit it, but he's kind of a badass.
Together, we will establish a new iron order at Smoot High! Onward! Okay, I'm getting Tammy.
Billy: Fairbell, here's the scenario.
You're at a YMCA swimming pool.
Guy goes by you in the deep end, nuts come out of his swimsuit.
- What do you do? - Easy.
Grab, like, a pool net, maybe use my hands.
I don't want to come up for air and get his nuts in my mouth.
None of this is ringing any alarm bells for you, is it? - It's a pretty serious allergy.
- [Scoffs.]
We're talking about testicles, Fairbell.
- Uh same answer.
- See.