Time Traveling Bong (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on "Time Traveling Bong" Watch out! Oh, my God.
"Time traveling Bong.
" That filthy witch has a tiny cauldron! Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
No! No! I found a glassblower.
I think he's gonna do an amazing job.
Your vase-pipe, Sir Jeff.
This looks like shit! Oh, God! Here goes the witch! We're not home.
That glassblower must have messed up the bong when he blew it.
So now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can't get home? I don't know.
I think those are cave people.
- Smoke, smoke, smoke! -Fuck,it's cashed.
Didn't you bring more weed? No, I thought we'd be right back.
- I'm peeing.
- Me too! Jesus, no.
Oh, my God.
We're dead meat.
Oh, shit, they're horny.
How do you know? Their boners.
Whoa.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello, hello.
Hi.
Okay, okay.
Hi.
Sharee, what's happening? I don't know.
Just go with it.
Okay, hi, ladies.
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
Hello.
- Yeah, right there.
Ooh.
- Oh, oh, ow.
Ow, ow.
Oh, no, my cravat! That's okay.
You can keep it.
Let's go down.
Gentle, gentle.
- Oh, oh, God.
- Sharee, what's happening? Okay, shush.
Shush, shush, shush.
Yeah, but no teeth.
No teeth! It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Oh, gosh.
Ooh.
Jesus, that knuckle's huge! Whoo, that is piping hot.
Ah! Oh! Ow, ow.
Oh, Sharee.
Sharee, put your shirt on.
We've got to find something to smoke and get out of here.
Mmmmm No.
What are you talking about? It's horrible here.
It's amazing here.
I had I had my first orgasm last night.
- What? - I'd never had one.
I didn't know what it felt like.
Donnie never asked.
He said he didn't need my life story.
Look, I'm really happy for you.
That's great, but I can't stay here.
Last night started out kind of nice, but then it got really rough.
These women almost sucked my dick off, okay? - They were hungry for it.
- Okay.
They were jamming their pussies into my mouth.
Okay.
And fingering my asshole so hard.
- All right! - My penis is raw and blistered.
It looks like a hamburger hot dog.
Okay, I don't need to hear about your dick skin.
Also, what the fuck is a hamburger hot dog? It's a hot dog made of hamburger meat.
Where the fuck is that sold? Wawa.
I've never seen it.
Please, Sharee, I can't stay here, okay? "No" doesn't mean "no" here.
It doesn't mean anything.
Can you imagine how terrifying it is to be in a sexual situation where at any moment you could be overpowered? As I'm saying it, I realize yeah.
I can picture that, Jeff.
I can I can picture that.
- Right? - Sorry, yes.
Okay, all right, give me a few weeks, and we'll revisit the issue.
Is this because of the 1600s? Are you still mad? I thought you were over that.
I was stabbed in the tit yesterday.
I was dunked.
I was pressed by rocks.
I almost died.
You get one shitty blowjob, and you gotta go! No, no, no, fuck you, all right? We don't even have weed anyway.
We'll we'll figure it out.
Just go jerk off in a cave or something.
It'll feel just like home.
I can't jerk off here, Sharee.
This is their porn.
Porn? You don't need porn here.
These people are professionals.
They're not human, Sharee! ugh, she sounds horny.
I've gotta hide.
I'm gonna find weed.
She's thirsty.
Forget it.
Yes! Sharee! Sharee? Holy shit! What the What the fuck? "Tayeena ween.
" "Tayeena ween!" Wait, are you doing "Nell"? You got me, Jeff.
I'm improvising.
Okay, whatever.
Look, I found paleo nugs.
Yeah, there's a bunch over there too.
Cool, Sharee.
All right, look, you've had your weird, shitty fun.
Now let's get the fuck out of here.
No! No, wait, Jeff! No, no, I love it here.
The raw meat made my period come back.
I've had two rock solid ones already.
It's been a week.
I don't need Klonopin to sleep here.
I don't need Accutane.
Look at, my backne's gone! Oh, Jesus, you're covered in scratches, Sharee.
I know.
Ugh.
I don't want to leave, Jeff.
Every guy I've ever been with wants me to shave my pubes off.
The guys here love my body hair.
I don't have to shave or wax.
There's no need to Veet or Nair, which means no Nair burns, no threading, no plucking, no bleaching.
fuck, one of them found me.
Come on, we've got to go right now.
I don't have to electrolysis, Jeff.
- No need to no!no! - Come on, she's getting closer.
- We gotta go, come on! - No sugaring, no lasering! - Please, Sharee! - Oh, fine.
Come on, Sharee, we don't have much time.
Ugh, do it.
Oh, Miss Paula D.
, come on, I ain't even did nothing.
I was thinking about you hotly, and now you got to be punished.
It's your fault, dressing the way you was.
Oh, God, ow.
Interlopers! Ohhh.
Oh, God, oh Slaves? - This is slave time.
- These are slaves.
These are slaves, yeah.
Shoot 'em, Clyde! Shoot 'em! Give me a second.
- Get away from her.
- We can save you.
- Get over here.
- Come on, hold onto us.
- Come on, hurry! - Come on.
- We're gonna save you.
- Shoot 'em, shoot, 'em, - shoot 'em! - It's stuck.
Leave the uggs.
I think we've got a little time.
Ah, here we go.
Shoot 'em now! Shoot 'em! Hold on tight, guys.
Oh! Paula D.
? - Where are we? - I don't know.
Whoa.
Oh, my God, it's 1963.
We did it.
We're white saviors.
- You're free.
- You're free.
What's happened here? Sorry, we time traveled from slave times to free times, 1963.
Yeah, there's no slavery here, guys.
You're liberated.
It's an awesome time for black people.
- It's not great actually.
- Not awesome.
- In fact, even our time is bad.
- That was too far.
There's, like, a lot of police It's maybe better than slave times by a little bit.
I've been writing about it on my blog, it sucks.
You gotta take me back.
My children.
I got eight children.
That's not counting the mulattos and the quadroons! - I'm so sorry, but we can't.
- I'm sorry.
We're stuck here.
We don't know how the bong works.
It's kind of broken, and you guys are gonna just have to blend in.
We ain't got nowhere to live.
We ain't got nowhere to work.
I don't even know how to read.
Ooh, you got to learn.
Excuse me, miss.
Would you like to join the army? Get a hot meal and a gun with your name on it.
You mean, like, a musket? I like your spirit.
You'll be great on the front lines.
Plus, we'll give you new, snazzy fatigues.
- Hey, let's do it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Hold a second.
This is a death wish.
- You don't have to go to war.
- I mean, you could model.
- Yeah.
- We ain't got no money! Now this is a job.
You wanted us to be free? Well, we is gonna be free in Vietnam.
We is gonna be free in Vietnam.
And I'm gonna greet every day with a hearty, "Good morning, Vietnam!" Vietnam! Ohh! Vietnam! That's really bad.
But we win Vietnam, right? I don't think we do.
I mean, it Oh, of course, no service.
This is getting really annoying.
Oh, God.
Stop it, stop it, stop it! What the hell are you doing? You and your big nose missed your step-ball-change.
Dance like a man! All right, kids, back in the car.
Michael done fucked it up for everybody.
Sorry about that.
Let's go! - Thanks a lot, Michael.
- Come on, Michael! Move your fat asses, Jackie and Rebbie! Let's go, Tito! Hustle, Jermaine.
Come on, La Toya, with your little fat head.
Get up move it, Michael, Marlon, and Randy! Let's go! Pick up the pace! Let's go, Jacksons! Let's go! You missed your step-ball-change with your big nose.
That was Oh, my God, that That was The Jackson 5.
Wow, La Toya, Jackie, Marlon.
Singing to me.
Shining out his beautiful eyes.
How did I not take a picture? My phone works.
At least the camera works.
Joe.
God, Joe.
- Ooh, he was scary, man.
- Yikes! Ooh! Really living up to the stereotype.
- Just like the movie.
- Ah.
Ooh, God! Wait.
Maybe that's the reason we were sent time traveling in the first place.
To write The Jackson 5's music and get super rich, yes! That is really hard not to do now that you said it.
But what I meant was to save Michael's childhood because he was robbed of his, yeah.
Which is why he robbed so many children of theirs.
We'd be saving Michael and all of his victims.
Maybe we're supposed to be changing history for the better.
We're not doing great so far.
We just sent those slaves to Vietnam.
- Ugh, that was so bad.
- That was more you than me.
- That was more you than me! - That was dumb, that was bad.
- God! - You know what though? They might make it out.
You know, we have to do this, right? - We have to make up for our sins.
- We're gonna do it.
God, we were two New Jersey dildos, and now we have the chance to make history better.
Yes.
We are gonna save Michael Jackson.
By kidnapping him.
Love it.
Huh.
But Joe Jackson did see us.
Well, we're gonna need disguises.
Really subtle disguises.
Ooh, good afternoon! Can I help you? Oh, well, we were just looking for the home of a Mr.
Joseph Jackson.
That's me.
Oh, is it? Well, how lucky are we? Ha ha! My name is Beverly McClellan, and this is my colleague, Simon Cowell.
We are producers of a television program called "The Bee's Knees.
" "Bee's Knees.
" Yes, "The Bee's Knees.
" We were just wondering if perhaps your children would perhaps like to audition to sing and dance on our show.
Sing and dance.
Yes, sing and dance.
Like I said.
How much? Oh.
The payment would be about 60.
Yeah.
- 60? - Thousand! - Thousand? - What? Mm-hmm.
Kids! Get out on the lawn now! - 60,000? - Let's go, Jacksons! Jackie, Rebbie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, let's go! Michael, Marlon, Randy, let's go, Jacksons! Let's go! Definitely Michael.
Yeah, Michael, Michael, bring your ass on, come on! - What about Janet? - Who? - Hoo-hoo! - Not born yet.
Ha ha, just kidding, daddy-o.
Jacksons! Come on, let's go! Get out there on the lawn! Ooh.
Are you Michael? - I'm Jackie.
- Ooh, good luck.
Hey, are you Michael? - I'm Tito.
- Who's Michael? I am.
Daddy! We got the King of Pop.
We got the King of Pop.
Shamoa! Top of the evening to you.
I'm Beverly McClellan.
We would like one motel room for us and our son here, Michael Jackson.
- Fuck! - Language.
Thank you so much.
Well, my dogs are really killing me.
Oof, these shoes, mm.
You have such a pretty voice, Mrs.
McClellan.
It's Ms.
McClellan, but, look, we're not who you think we are, okay? My name is Jeff, and this is my cousin, Sharee.
Hi.
But thank you so much for saying I have a nice voice.
It is insanely flattering coming from you.
I'm gonna sing for you later.
You might like my voice as well.
Look at that skinny nose.
My dad would love your nose.
He always makes fun of mine.
Oh, no.
No, Michael, your nose is perfect.
Your face is beautiful.
Just as it is right now.
Michael, we had to take you, okay? We had to make sure that you weren't abused and you were nurtured.
You are so insanely talented.
Check it out.
You're superhuman.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Excuse us just one second.
What are you doing? I'm hanging out with Michael Jackson right now.
His music is disappearing.
No.
No, fuck! Language! We gotta take him back.
- No! - No, Jeff, how can we? How can we now? Come on, we have to weigh the pros and cons here.
Okay, fine.
Pro, Michael seems like a healthy, happy, normal child away from his family.
Yeah, con, bringing him here is making his music disappear, Sharee.
His music brought joy to literally billions of people.
Okay, pro.
The dozens to hundreds of children that Michael molested would be saved.
Allegedly molested.
Alleged, what are you talking about? - Google it.
- I can't, Sharee.
It's 1963.
Here's a con, if we bring him back, he might still molest kids, you don't know.
Pedophilia might be an inborn thing.
The jury's still out on that, right? I don't know, Jeff.
I can't Google it.
- You just covered that.
- Okay.
But the point is we have the chance to make things right.
That sweet little boy out there, he doesn't want to be the Neverland Ranch guy.
I know, he became so weird, his tattooed beard.
The makeup, and the vitiligo.
And the nose, the glasses and the glove.
Elizabeth Taylor and the wheelchair.
The Blanket incident, I'm like, "What are you doing?" He really was abused by his father.
But his father was abused by the system.
Ugh! But his music! But "Thriller"! The dance! It doesn't matter.
That's a sweet boy.
Okay, you're right, you're right.
You're right, we've got to do the right thing.
Yes.
We are going to raise Michael Jackson as our son.
- Ooh.
Yikes.
- Ooh.
I'm just gonna Take this.
I haven't seen that on the big screen.
It's gonna be all the birds.
Two, one! Happy 1964! Good morning, ma'am.
Can I interest you in a hairbrush - You ready? - Yeah.
Ah! Ooh, you okay, Michael? Ah.
And that's the story of Peter Pan.
I want to go to Neverland.
Fuck,I didn't even think of that.
Language.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you, good night.
Jeff.
I said, "Jeff.
" Yeah, I heard you.
You're a good boy, Michael.
- Mm.
- We love you.
I love you, too, White Mommy and Daddy.
- Good night.
- Okay.
Night-night.
Jeff I can't do this anymore.
Oh, thank God.
Me either.
I've been wanting to say something for weeks.
This is horrendous, okay? Today I sold one hairbrush, and I got a lead for another hair brush sale.
Today I made $3 in tips, and I was groped relentlessly all day.
When do men stop groping women? When? Tell me! - The '90s.
- I hope so.
Maybe post-9/11.
I don't know.
Everybody's red.
All the white people are red.
Yeah, 'cause they're in the sun with no sunscreen.
- It's like - And then they're Everybody's a fucking alcoholic.
- I tried to buy sunscreen.
- It doesn't exist yet.
When do they invent SPF? That guy's gonna make a fucking mint.
Ooh.
If I have to eat one more Jell-O mold or plate of Spam, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
I have a spare tire made of mayonnaise.
And you know this shit doesn't work.
Thank God for the diet pills.
Ugh.
I can't wear this gabardine shit anymore! Everything is itchy.
I've been uncomfortable since the first day we got here.
- Being a parent is so hard.
- Ugh! - The PTA meetings.
- Ew.
- Making lunches every day.
- Ew.
Avoiding the cops 'cause we stole a child.
Yeah, I don't know what we were thinking.
Yeah, we should have spent that belt machine money on more diet pills.
No, I'm talking about kidnapping Michael Jackson.
Oh, yeah, that.
Ugh.
We took a human child.
Should we kill him? - No! - Yeah, no.
- We're not gonna kill a child.
- No, no.
We're not gonna kill the King of Pop.
Yeah, yeah, no.
Who are we to say what history should and shouldn't be? - No us.
- No.
I don't trust us.
We are idiots! When we get to a place, we should not touch anything.
- Yes.
- We should just look around.
We should look around and go.
It's like we smoke, if it's not home, we smoke out.
But we can't just bring him back.
Now before we go, Michael, I want you to remember you're beautiful just the way you are.
Also, publishing rights.
Buy The Beatles' music.
It's just a little tip from White Daddy.
I hope you learned something from us.
I learned that it's okay to take little boys from their homes.
- Oh, fuck - Shit.
Language! - Okay.
Good-bye, Michael.
- All right, bye.
Michael.
Oh, my God, Michael.
I see you! Oh, I'm gonna get you.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Go, smoke.
Get the bong, get the bong, go! Nobody steals my son! I'm gonna get you! Go, go, go, go.
The fuck? God.
Ooh, doesn't get any easier.
For once I wish we'd land in a pond.
Where the fuck are we? Holy shit! Sharee, this is it, the best time period there is in human history.
Ancient Greece, the era of symposiums that gave birth to philosophy and literature.
Plus they have plumbing.
And Greek salad.
Oh, I would kill for a Greek salad.
Greek salad! Synced & orrected by -robtor-