TLC (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

OK, we're all done here. Time to
turn off the sleeping juice, Gasman.
At last, time for the patient
to feel some pain.
Oh, I can't stitch.
Didn't they teach you at medical school?
No, they wouldn't let us
do it on the patients.
OK, Flynn, learn some real surgery.
The bunny rabbit burrows down into
the hole and comes up the other side,
he goes twice clockwise around
the mulberry bush, grabs the carrot,
once anticlockwise around the mulberry
bush, grabs the carrot. Snip. Got that?
I've asked for a volunteer
for you to practice your stitching on.
Last night,
my little friend Derek agreed.
- Derek?
- He's in the fridge.
What's he doing in the fridge?
Derek,
say hello to Dr Flynn.
Hello.
Hello.
My name's Derek,
Derek Trotter. Lubblyjubbly.
It help if I stitched
your lips together?
Get practising your needlework.
Next time in theatre
you'll wow them all
with your lightning-fast
stitching techniques.
- Will you please hurry up, Flynn?
- Nearly finished.
Rabbit goes twice clockwise around the
mulberry bush and grabs the carrot
And a big fox comes and eats him.
Nice job. Next time you can practice
closing up the real patient.
[We've Gotta Get Out Of This Place]
Now that is what I call
a neat row of stitches.
So, go on,
where did you get Derek from?
Put it away. Sid's coming.
- All right, docs?
- Hello, Sid.
How was your supper last night?
Very nice.
You can't beat pig's trotter
with mash and peas.
I get the trotters special
for Dr Noble, see.
- Oh.
- Yes, very tasty. We'd better be
Did you use my special recipe?
Special recipe? Yes, very nice.
The secret is to cook the trotter
very, very slowly.
You know me, rushing around 247,
always on the go,
but when it comes to trotters slow.
Slow.
Slow.
[beeping]
- Ooh, Casualty.
- We'd better go.
Yeah, must dash. Got to help a mate out.
His van's been clamped.
Half past two in Casualty. I've got that
healing feeling. Right, who needs us?
Miss Stokes in room six,
large laceration needs suturing.
Dr Flynn's your man.
He's developing the hands of a surgeon.
Yeah, look! [oinks]
Hmm, how long have you been a pig?
I reckon I could stitch
just about anywhere now, Judy.
It's her cheek
But the plastic surgeons do them,
don't they, cheeks?
Yeah, best stick
to pig ankles, Dr Flynn.
Relax, Flynn, it's a cheek
where the sun don't shine.
The rabbit goes twice clockwise
around the mulberry bush
and grabs the carrot.
Then he goes once anticlockwise around
the bush and he grabs the carrot.
And in comes Dr Big Old Fox.
Good, that's all done.
- How many stitches, doctor?
- Who cares? Don't get paid per stitch.
They'll all want to know at the office.
You count them, Flynn.
Let's double-check that X-ray,
see there's no glass in the wound.
Twenty-four stitches.
The glass trays on photocopiers are not
designed to take the weight of a human.
- Any other questions?
- Yes.
Think my bum looks big in that?
It's not my fault. My carrot
kept getting lost in her mulberry bush.
- That's what they all say.
- What was wrong with it?
The stitches were all right
but you've got to speed up.
We don't want the wound to heal over
before you've finished stitching it.
Can't you do anything practical!
Give it here!
Ah.
Great. Now I'm locked out! What's the
bleep number for 24-hour maintenance?
That's Sid's number.
- Yep. Takes him 24 hours to get here.
- Where am I gonna sleep tonight?
Kip on a casualty trolley.
No one will bother you for days.
- Am I allowed?
- Clear it with a nurse.
- [beeping]
- That's Casualty now!
Great. Ask nicely. Um, do you want this?
Who wants me?
Ethel Watts, possible BO. That's
bowel obstruction, not body odour.
I know!
- In her case she's got both.
- If I could have her notes.
Nice thin notes.
Not a frequent flyer, then.
And these.
- And these.
- And those.
- And these.
- Oh, great.
- [thud]
- Ow.
Hello, are you Ethel?
Yes, dear.
You're having bowel trouble?
Yes, dear.
Any tummy pains?
Yes, dear.
Have you been vomiting?
Yes, dear.
- What colour have your stools been?
- Yes, dear.
- What colour have your motions been?
- Yes, dear.
No matter what I say
you'll keep saying "Yes, dear"?
Yes, dear.
Oh, just my bloody luck.
Yes, dear.
- Hello! Anybody in there!
- Yes, dear.
- Did you call?
- Yes, dear.
No, actually, Judy
I'm locked out of my room tonight.
I was wondering if I could sleep
In my flat, just for tonight?
No. But, well, if you're offering.
Was I offering, doctor?
No.
- Did the thought cross my mind, doctor?
- No.
Anything else, doctor?
No.
Sweet dreams, doctor.
What a woman.
- Ethel, I could be in love.
- Yes, dear.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
This all feels quite normal, Mrs Watts.
Hang on.
Ah, yes,
small mass in the right iliac fossa.
A less-skilled surgeon
may have missed it.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
What wonderful healing hands
you have, surgeon's hands.
Judy, you're a marvellous nurse,
you'll make a fine matron one day
and a damnably attractive wife.
Oh, Dr Flynn.
I say,
why don't you two young people
move into my spare country mansion?
It's the least I can do.
I have no children and when I die
I could leave all my fortune
and estates to you both.
Oh, it's so perfect.
Go on, doctor,
kiss her.
I love you, Judy.
I've always loved you.
Kiss me like you've never kissed
a woman before.
I have never kissed a woman before.
I've been saving myself for you.
- Yes, dear.
- Yes, dear.
Yes, dear.
[clears throat] I'd better examine you.
Yes, dear.
Mm-hmm.
If you could open your mouth
for me please, Ethel?
Ah, your tongue does seem dry.
- [crunch]
- [screams]
What is it now?
You couldn't bleep Dr Noble for me,
ask him to pop down?
What shall I say?
Oh, just
tell him there's been
a development!
- Yes, doctor.
- Uh-huh.
All right, Judy, yeah, on my way.
I can walk. I can walk!
Hang on to my coffee. Thanks.
Oh, oh! Ah.
[Flynn moaning]
- I think she's bitten down to the bone!
- Could you open your mouth?
She doesn't understand! Ahh!
What make an old person
open their mouth?
I don't know.
Werther's Original Toffee,
an old surgical registrar's trick.
Well, give it to her, then!
- Open wide.
- [Flynn cries]
[Noble screams]
She's the strength of 10 grannies!
[screaming] She's biting harder!
We need help in here!
Oh, God, no, not the chaplain!
No, it's me.
- Is it safe?
- Yes, it's safe.
[Flynn and Noble scream]
All over now, Ethel.
Yes dear.
You know, I could have been a dentist.
I have always enjoyed removing teeth.
Yes, well, thank you, Gasman.
[drill whirs]
Ethel, where did you put that toffee?
Yes, dear.
Right, well. You'd better get
that finger cleaned and dressed.
But first we'd better get her
a new set of dentures.
Yep! Those will do. Go on, tug them out.
You're joking.
Come on!
What are you doing, Dr Flynn?
Um, I'm just clearing this patient's
airway. He was choking.
Hmm. He was pronounced dead
two hours ago.
If only we'd been here sooner, Sister.
[sucks teeth]
I was only asking
if it would be all right
for me spend the night
on a casualty trolley.
Oh, sure. But those trolleys
are quite hard, Dr Flynn.
I'd hate for you to get a pressure sore.
Your skin is so delicate.
Oh, great.
You're very good at this, Judy.
What?
Wound care.
I imagine you're a very caring
sort of person, Judy.
I am, for the right sort of patient.
So come on, get your trousers down.
Pardon?
Pull your trousers down. It's what
you've been wanting from me, isn't it?
Well, yeah, but what, here?
Where else?
Oh, great. Now I know how
President Clinton must have felt.
Why? Has he had a tetanus jab recently?
Tetanus jab? I thought you were
going to give me a blow job or something.
Here we are, babe, chicken Caesar salad.
Oh, cheers, Terry.
Have a nice night, love. Was that
Dr Flynn I saw on a casualty trolley?
Yeah, he's spending the night there.
He must be mad.
Hello, is that the on-call psychiatrist?
Yes, we've got a patient on a trolley
down here who thinks he's a surgeon.
Mr Flynn?
What? Dr Flynn.
Hello, I'm Sarah, I work here.
Hello.
Why are you here?
I got locked out of my doctor's room
so the nurses said I could sleep here.
How long have you believed
you're a doctor?
"Believe"? I am a doctor. I did fail
finals but I passed the retakes.
I understand.
- You do believe I'm a doctor?
- I believe you believe you're a doctor.
Hang on. Who are you?
I'm Sarah. I'm the on-call psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist?! Look, I am a doctor. I'm
a house surgeon. Here's my white coat.
My bleep's in here somewhere.
This is Derek.
Derek.
Hello, Derek.
Look. Ask that nurse there.
Judy Judy, tell her I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
- We work together! Judy!
- Have we met?
- Do you know this man?
- No.
Judy?!
I'm sectioning you. You'll be detained
on the psychiatric ward.
Oh, what?!
It's OK, you can bring Derek.
- Dr Flynn?
- Yes.
Good morning. I'm Dr Holland,
the consultant psychiatrist.
I'm so sorry, we seem
to have made a terrible mistake.
Yes. I am a doctor.
Look, see, my bleep, my name badge.
I don't know what to say.
You're free to go.
Yeah. Thank you.
- Where are you going?
- To the surgical ward.
You can't leave,
you're under a Section.
Your consultant said I was discharged.
Consultant?
Mr Holland, how many times
do we have to tell you?
You are not the consultant psychiatrist.
You're a patient here.
Oh, great.
Now, come on.
Flynn, there you are. We've got a big
problem. Did you look at Ethel's X-ray?
Uh, no, I was being sectioned
under the Mental Health Act.
If you had you'd have realised
she's only constipated.
- That is a 35-foot long pipe of poop.
- So?
So she hasn't got
an urgent surgical problem.
- She's just full of
- Yes, dear.
You shouldn't have admitted her.
She's blocking one of Mr Ron's
precious surgical beds.
What do I do?
We'll just have to pretend
to Mr Ron that she's a surgical case.
Get that bowel moving
and move her out of here ASAP.
- How do we get her to do a big?
- Yes, dear.
Lactulose 30 mils qds,
sodium docusate 200mg tds,
Picolax sachets bd
and a phosphate enema tonight.
Stand well back and put on a pac-a-mac.
Right, let's synchronise watches.
It's 10.00am now.
She should be hitting the pan
at 0900 tomorrow precisely.
What if it doesn't work?
Then someone will have
to manually disimpact her.
Manually disimpact her?
The nurses do that, right?
I'm sure Judy would do it
if you asked her very nicely.
I'm going to end up doing it, aren't I?
Yes.
Great! This is just what happened
when I put my finger in her mouth.
All right, doc?
I've come to sort out your door.
I bleeped you last night about it.
Don't thank me.
You deserve priority treatment.
Right, let's have a look.
I'm no expert but it looks like
you're locked out.
Yes!
One of the security guards here
is an ex-policeman.
Knows all about gaining entry
to premises.
- You just leave this with me.
- Great!
You're gonna need a lock on that door.
There's a madman
on the loose in this hospital.
- Madman?
- Escaped from the psychiatric ward.
Thinks he's a doctor apparently.
Any description?
Ugly feller, they reckon.
The only clue to his real identity
is what he left behind.
This.
Derek. Thank you, Dr Noble.
Who's Derek?
Any admissions last night?
Just one, sir.
Better be a good one.
Not a bed blocker?
Not at all, sir.
This is Ethel Watts, an 85-year-old lady
Dr Flynn admitted last night with
Acute surgical bowel obstruction.
She's not just constipated, Dr Flynn?
No.
You sure, Flint?
Yes, sir.
Well, has she got any of the symptoms
of acute bowel obstruction?
Vomiting? Distension?
Stopped passing flatus.
- Sort of.
- Sort of?
Didn't you take a history?
90 percent of diagnoses
can be made on the history alone.
Well, she's not a very good historian.
Nonsense. Bowel obstruction, you say?
Observe a consultant in action.
Hello, Mrs, um
- Watts.
- Watts.
- I'm Mr Ron, the surgical consultant.
- Yes, dear.
- You've been having troubles?
- Yes, dear.
- Vomiting?
- Yes, dear.
- Not opened your bowels for days?
- Yes, dear.
- Stopped passing wind down below?
- Yes, dear.
Wasn't so difficult, was it, Flint?
An excellent history of acute bowel
obstruction from an elderly patient.
- How old are you?
- Yes, dear.
Um, the examination of the abdomen,
firstly observation,
any scars, swellings or masses.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God,
what's that in her umbilicus?
- It's a toffee, sir.
- Werther's Original.
Well, get it out, Flint.
Oh, right, yes.
[growling]
Just get it.
[growling]
That wasn't so difficult, was it?
Put it away in your pocket, boy.
Perhaps we'd better move on
to the next patient, Sister.
[Flynn screams]
You've been very lucky, my dear.
You nearly lost that breast.
Please use photocopiers
for their intended purpose,
not for stupid pranks. Any questions?
Do my boobs look small in this?
[sighs]
Where is that house surgeon,
Flint? Flint?
[Flynn] I'm still here, sir.
[growling continues]
What the hell?
She was after that toffee in my pocket
but she's grabbed my left testicle.
[chuckling]
What do you think we ought to do?
Um, I'm not sure, sir.
[Mr Ron] Mm. Don't move, Flint.
We'll send a nurse to sort you out.
Meantime, the round must go on.
If you let go, I'll give you
a whole bag of toffees.
[barks]
What's the problem, doctor?
Doctor!
Oh, God!
So how did Nurse Judy free you
from the grip of the granny?
Parma Violets.
Parma Violets, of course.
So much simpler than a toffee.
Almost makes up for the fact Judy
got me admitted to the psychiatric ward.
- All right, docs?
- Hello, Sid.
What's this I hear about you,
Dr Flynn? It's all over the hospital.
I am not and have never been mentally
ill. It was a silly misunderstanding.
No, not that. I heard the old ladies
can't keep their mitts off you.
- Boooo!
- [groans]
Your life in their hands, eh?
I don't see that old dear with the bowel
obstruction on this afternoon's list.
No, sir. She was all prepped and
pre-op'ed when she, uh, passed flatus.
I could hardly believe my own ears, sir.
It must be the obstruction
was secondary to internal adhesions.
They often settle down spontaneously.
Yes, sir,
I'm sure that's what it was, sir.
Just get rid of her by midday tomorrow.
I run a surgical unit,
not a nursing home.
I'm confident that she will have
fully opened her bowels
in 18 hours and 20 minutes
from now, around 9.00am, sir.
Good. Where is that Flint?
He sends his apologies, Mr Ron.
He's gone for a lie down.
I think he's been in quite
a lot of pain since the incident.
I did offer him
a vigorous local massage.
That Flynn, he makes such a fuss.
He should try having his testicles
clamped tightly in a vice.
Then he'll know what real pain is.
I found it quite invigorating.
[Sid] Don't mind me, doc.
You take as long as you want.
Has your mate sorted out my door?
Yeah. You should always ask
an ex-policeman.
He done drug raids mainly.
I just need to lie down
[beeping]
[woman] Trauma team to Casualty.
I must dash, Sid.
Me too.
[flatline tone]
Oh, well, can't win them all.
We hardly win any.
Someone clamp the patient's skull!
I'm about to release the pressure
from around the brain!
- Not today, thank you, Reverend.
- It's a thrill to drill. Please!
- Did I say you could play with a drill?
- No.
No, so put it away back in the cupboard
where you found it, go on.
- Dead?
- Yes
I never have anyone to play with.
Why does God allow such suffering?
Out you go, Reverend.
[chaplain] Hmm.
[drill buzzes]
Where is Flynn?
Quick, he's coming.
OK. As discussed. Places, everyone.
Ah. Sorry, sorry I'm late.
Flynn, at last.
We need chest compressions here.
[groans]
Right, charging 200 Joules. Clear!
- Owl
- And again!
- Owl
- Third time lucky!
Ow!
What's the heart rhythm, Gasman?
Why is the monitor switched off?
Why am I doing this to a dead patient?
You bastards!
I hate it here.
My room hasn't got a door,
my testicle is agony,
and the highlight of my week is gonna be
if some 85-year-old fills her pants.
It's hardly ER is it?
I wouldn't worry, Flynn.
By 9.00 tomorrow morning, she'll
be out of the ward self-propelled.
Actually, it'll be sooner than that.
We junior doctors know some tricks too.
Eh?
I've stopped her sleeping tablets.
They can aggravate constipation.
- You've done what?!
- I've stopped her night sedation.
Good God, Flynn,
do you know what you've done?
Eh?
When old people come into hospital,
it's confusing for them.
During the day it matters not,
but in the evening as the sun sets
and darkness descends
they become agitated and start
to wander the wards and corridors.
But no one said.
The sun has almost set!
Flynn, there's not a moment to lose!
Come!
- Come on!
- It hurts!
- You! Out!
- [groans]
[Flynn groans]
Out of the way!
Emergency case of genital herpes!
[thunderclap]
[howling]
Too late.
- These are the plans of the hospital.
- She could be anywhere.
We're getting reports of an incident
at the League Of Friends shop.
It's been broken into.
[both] Toffees!
From there she could have followed this
duct system to here. The boiler room.
The heat might attract her.
I'll go there first.
I'll search the lab area. Take this.
- Police radios?
- From Sid's mate.
Oh, right.
Keep in touch and remember
be careful out there.
[Flynn over radio] I will.
- Seen anything?
- [gasps]
No.
Look at that.
What is it?
Toffee!
She must be close.
Let's split up.
Boiler room secured,
I'm following the duct system.
- [groaning]
- [screams]
[Noble] Flynn? Flynn?
Yes, dear.
Ethel! Come back!
Oh, Judy, you haven't seen Ethel?
Don't tell me, you stopped her night
sedation and now she's run off.
No, not at all.
Judy, about last night
- There's no need to thank me.
- Thank you?
I couldn't bear the thought of you
sleeping on a hard trolley,
so that's why I got you admitted
into a nice comfy bed.
Sometimes I care too much
about you.
Oh. Oh, right, yes. Thanks.
I can get you
sectioned again tonight.
No! It's all right. The lock's fixed.
The door's been ripped off its hinges.
Really?
So I could just sneak into your room
tonight if I wanted?
No nasty lock to keep me out?
Yeah, you could if you wanted.
I just might, Dr Flynn.
See you later.
Mine's the room's without the door!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Result?
Oh, yeah!
- You've found her?
- Who?
- Ethel.
- Her? No.
Yes, I did, but I lost her.
She got away.
She'll turn up somewhere.
In fact, come 9.00am tomorrow
everyone will know where she is.
[chuckling] Yes, great! I must get back
to my room now and get to sleep.
- You all right?
- Fine. Is that the time?
I really must get back to my room now,
really. Very urgent.
In your dreams, Dr Flynn.
Judy, look who I found
wandering outside.
- Her wristband says she's one of yours.
- Oh, Ethel.
Hello, Ethel.
- Have you been out for a nice walk?
- Yes, dear.
- Shall we get you back into a bed?
- Yes, dear.
- And I know just the place for you.
- Yes, dear.
[Judy] Dr Flynn? I'm here.
Judy? It's so late.
I'm a bit tired. I'm so sleepy.
Don't worry.
I'll just slip in next to you.
Oh. Sure, whatever.
Morning, lover boy.
Oh. Oh. I must have overslept.
Oh, Dr Flynn, you've broken my heart.
Morning, Flynn.
Ah, Sister, yes, I can explain, really.
Ah, there you are, Flint.
What's going on in here?
Mr Ron, yes.
Judy was locked out of her room
and didn't have anywhere to sleep.
Morning.
Judy?
- Ethel?!
- Yes, dear?
Oh, my God!
- [rumbling]
- What's that noise?
[Hope] Sounds like thunder.
Just as I predicted.
0900 hours on the dot.
- [loud flatulence]
- [crying]