Toast of Tinseltown (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Toast. How are you
finding Uncle Sam?
Who?
Uncle Sam. The old US of A.
It's exactly as I expected.
Well, you know what they say.
Sorry, who is this?
It's Ed.
Calling collect from England.
You haven't forgotten me already,
old chap? Oh, yes. Sorry, Ed.
Found anywhere to stay?
Listen, guess who's landed a role
in the latest Star Wars movie.
I'll give you a clue.
Not only is he a great actor,
but also a good friend of yours.
Hopkins?
No.
Ian McKellen?
No.
Tom Conti?
No!
Wow, you've stumped me there, Toast.
Not only is he a fantastic actor,
but also a great friend of yours.
Patrick Stewart?
No! Fucking hell, Ed, it's me.
Ah.
Found anywhere to stay yet?
Well, Ed, as luck would have it,
I sat next to this chap,
Russ Nightlife, on the plane.
He reckoned he needed the rent,
so he give me his address.
That's a stroke of luck.
Strange thing is, he disappeared
halfway through the flight.
I didn't even see him
get off the plane.
That's odd. Have you reported
this to the police?
To the LAPD?
To the FBI?
Calm down, Ed, I think someone might
have watched too much of The Quincy.
So how are you enjoying
the climate, Toast?
Is it always this hot?
You've got some mail.
Really? What is it?
It's just a postcard.
Not worth forwarding on.
Well, who's it from?
It's from Greta Thunberg.
She must know you're
a climate sceptic.
Well, with this heat, I'm beginning
to think Greta has a fair point.
Look, I can't talk to you any
longer, I'd better get back
to the apartment
to see Russ Nightlife.
All the best.
I say, waiter!
Is it always this hot?
My previous roommate was in
the apartment for six months.
He died. Kounis syndrome.
Poor Kounis.
That wasn't his name.
It's the disease he died of.
Oh, sorry, I thought
it was his name.
No, his name was Razzmatazz.
Hercule Razzmatazz.
Thanks for letting me stay, Russ.
You've done me a huge favour.
Did I mention I've got a large part
in the new Star Wars movie?
Yeah. Sure.
Out of interest,
why did you disappear
halfway through the flight?
One minute we were chatting
OK, Toast, I'll level with you.
I don't have many rules
or regs here,
but I've got to insist that my
roommates be respectable and neat.
You got that?
Understood.
I also don't want you bringing back
any Goddamn hook-ups.
Hook-ups?
That's right.
I'm not up to speed
on your situation,
but looking at you, I'm guessing
that you're a single guy.
I don't mean to smash
your action,
but I've got to keep it clean.
I can't have any strangers
in this apartment snooping around.
So no strangers, no snooping,
and no Goddamn hook-ups.
Fair enough.
Erm, I'll use a motel.
Anyhoo, here's the key.
What?
I'm just fooling around.
That's a joke key.
Oh!
We don't use a key any more,
we use a code.
Will you remember that?
No!
I'm going to text it to you.
All right, I just sent you the code.
I need you to memorise it and then
immediately delete it
from your cell. Capisce?
Capisce.
Ah, I need to take this.
Has he not answered yet, India?
Ugh, no point in getting
him to call me back,
because he's as tight
as a duck's arse,
and they're watertight. Ha!
Is that right, Jane?
I'm guessing you have
tremendous news.
I have tremendous news.
Which is?
Ray Sober is dead.
What?
Ray Sober is dead.
Ray Sober?
Yes, you remember him,
Ray Sober, the actor.
You hated him.
Oh, Ray Sober, yeah.
He was that prick that sent me off
to fetch him a skyhook
and some tartan paint
on my first job.
Ha! The classic fool's errand.
Well, I'm glad he's dead, but why
is that tremendous news, Jane?
Well, Ray Sober was about to star
in a major film over there,
but now, because he's dead,
they fear he won't turn up,
so I reckon you're a shoo-in
for the role.
And apparently, it's going to be the
biggest rom com film of all time.
Rom com?
Do you mean Romley Compton,
the actor?
I didn't even know he was in films.
No, not Romley Compton the actor,
rom com.
It's short for romantic comedy,
like Love Actually
or The Four Weddings
And The Funeral.
I haven't heard
of either of those.
Hang on a second, so I will be
starring in the biggest
science fiction film of all time,
and the biggest rom com film
of all time?
Isn't it amazing?
The biggest science fiction film
of all time
and the biggest rom com film
of all time.
You'll make $1 billion.
$1 billion? Well, I'll take
a pinch of that shit.
Ha!
As long as I'm not
playing the butler.
What?
Brits in Hollywood.
They're always playing butlers,
and if not butlers, murderers.
No, no, you won't be
playing the butler.
Well, what's the plan?
Do you remember Brooke Hooberman?
Yes, I remember.
She handles all the Brits
over there.
I'll text you her number.
Call her pronto.
Is it always this hot, Pronto?
Why are you calling me Pronto?
I don't know.
Jane said to call you that.
Is it a nickname or something?
No, don't call me Pronto.
My name is Brooke Hooberman.
May I ask,
is this your permanent office?
It seems to be a car.
I love British actors.
I've handled them over here
for Goddamn years.
Peter O'Toole, love him.
Larry Olivier, Ollie Reed,
all great guys.
Are they doing OK?
Well, I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, but
Ray Sober is dead.
Poor bastard can't do the movie now,
he's dead.
Jane recommended you, and the
director took a look at your reel -
he thinks you're the Goddamn guy.
You got a bit of time
before the Star Wars movie, right?
You mean the biggest science fiction
movie of all time?
Yeah, anyway, the director
is Dwight Difference.
I'll arrange a Zoom call with him.
All right. Well, as long as
I'm not playing the butler.
What?
You know, British actors,
always playing the butler
or the murderer.
It is the butler.
You'll be playing the butler.
Right.
But the butler turns out
to be the murderer,
so you're playing the butler
AND the murderer.
I thought it was a rom com.
A what?
Dwight signed up a real A-lister
to play the lead.
This guy wants to meet you before
they officially offer you the part.
Who is this A-lister?
Ah, Dwight's keeping shtoom,
but he's big.
Oh, I need you to do me
a Goddamn favour.
What?
Are you friends with David Bowie?
What?
Well, you're from London,
you must know David.
I have something belonging to him.
You know the suit he wore
in the 1983 Serious Moonlight tour?
No.
Well, it's in that suitcase
next to you.
He left it here years ago,
and then he never collected it.
Could you give that back to him
next time you see him in London?
Well, again, I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, Brooke, but
Could you do that for me, Toast?
I've got to meet my next actress.
Right.
You've got to get out,
I've got to meet my next girl.
Oh, right, OK.
Ah, Natasia, great news
about the vampire comedy, huh?
Hey.
Didn't mean to barge in.
Wasn't sure where you were.
Well, you can see me
through the glass.
Could you get that?
Get what?
It's Billy.
Could you just buzz her in?
Who's Billy? What time is it?
It's 6.00am.
What?
Hello?
Yeah, I'm letting you in.
What?
Who is she?
What?
Who is that woman?
Hold on a second.
What were you saying?
Who is that lady?
That's Billy. She helps me out.
Billy, can I have a can of soda?
What do you think of that?
Shit!
Did you ever do that
at immigration?
No, but as an actor, I've found it
useful for both comedy and drama.
Ah. My agent, checking in.
Your agent?
You with the FBI?
No, my acting agent.
Oh!
I'm just going to go lie down.
He's in a funny mood.
But hey, guess he's always in
a funny mood.
You speak English?
Yeah!
Just not in front
of Russ Nightlife.
It's easier that way.
He's not the kind of person
you want to get into a long
conversation with.
It's best if he thinks
I don't speak English.
Yeah, he is very odd.
Yeah.
He rarely leaves this apartment.
And don't provoke him,
because he'll get frightened
and he'll try to fight you.
You know that whole
fight or flight response
to a tense situation?
Yes.
What would you do?
Well, it would depend
on the situation.
Yeah, he is VERY odd.
Mm.
Hey, you know what? I've got to go
Zoom with this British guy,
so I'll call you back, all right?
Holy Moley!
Holy mackerel.
Oh, my God, Catherine, if you could
see what I'm looking at right now.
He looks like he's calling
from jail.
He looks like a sex nuisance.
Erm, hello there. Just so you know,
you're not muted.
Shit. Hey, Catherine,
I'm going to call you back.
I am so sorry.
It's OK.
I am incredibly mortified.
I am so sorry.
No. Forget it.
I'm Steven Toast, and I'm assuming
you're Dwight Difference.
I am Dwight Difference, and I am
very excited about the possibility
of us working together.
I met with Brooke Hooberman,
who suggested I get in touch
with you regarding
your new motion picture.
Now, when you mentioned my name,
did she sort of mumble
under her breath,
like kind of a growl?
Now you bring it up,
I think she did.
You know, I've got to tell you,
I love your accent.
I love it.
Can you say something else?
Something else.
You know, I love that.
You know Shakespeare?
Let me hear some Shakespeare.
Yeah.
"Drink provokes the desire
but takes away the performance."
That's from Macbeth.
Is that Shakespeare?
Yes, it is.
Is he English?
Yes, he was.
Did not know that.
That is so cool.
You know something?
You're going to be great in my film.
Not to mention the fact that we have
a major star playing the lead.
Really? Who is it?
I bet you want to know.
I got to tell you this,
he's British, just like you,
and he's a little reclusive,
so he wants to meet you before
I offer you the part.
It's a formality, but everything's
going to be all right, OK?
It's going to be beautiful.
Did I mention I'm starring
in the new Star Wars movie?
Yeah, sure.
All right, so I've got to go.
I will see you at the Canyon Cafe,
4.00 this afternoon.
Say it after me.
Canyon Cafe, 4.00. I'll be there.
I love that accent.
Oh, by the way, remember to wear
some tennis shorts.
Tennis shorts?
Jim!
Hey, Steven.
Nice shorts, man.
I thought you were in Paris.
How's Jane?
Jane's good, yeah.
I'm glad I saw you, hold on.
I'll just give you my
What the f?
Hey!
I'm Nina Armenian,
Dwight's assistant.
All right. Dwight suddenly had to
take a short skiing holiday,
but I'll be organising things
for you today.
He what? He had to suddenly
take a skiing holiday.
He says it's too hot in LA.
Well, he's right about that.
When do I get to meet
this major star?
Our major star is British,
and like a lot of you British guys,
he's kind of eccentric, you know?
And he wants you to
do something for him.
What's that?
He needs to see your knees.
He's got this thing about knees.
Are you serious?
He says the knees have to look right
and not be too distracting,
otherwise it's a deal-breaker.
Well, this is bloody odd.
Not how I thought I'd get my
first major Hollywood movie role.
Never a dull moment in
Hollywood, right?
What?
Follow me, please.
Is that a two-way mirror?
Yes! How did you guess?
He's behind the mirror.
Yeah, I thought so.
This is going so great.
He's now asked if you could turn
and stand in profile.
Bit kinky, all this, isn't it?
Wouldn't be surprised if it was
Mark Rylance behind the mirror.
I know he's into this
kind of rumshenanigan.
He says he's very grateful.
I bet he is.
When do I get to meet him?
Not just yet.
He says he doesn't feel quite ready.
He's sure you understand.
Understand what?
Makes me wonder what kind of crazy
shit he'll get up to on set.
Oh, great,
he's got everything he needs.
He says you can go now.
The whole thing was very odd indeed.
Russ, can I ask you
a personal question?
Due to our situation,
it could be relevant.
What is it?
Do you have OCD?
You mean obsessive-compulsive
disorder?
Yes. Do you have OCD?
Why do you ask?
Because you've spelt OCD
with your peas.
Oh, weird.
Didn't know I did that,
but no, I don't have OCD.
Ah, thanks.
Hold on, these shrimps,
are they definitely dead?
Billy, did you get these
from the usual fish place?
Yeah, but are they definitely dead?
I thought I saw some movement,
a sign of life.
Well, they look pretty dead to me.
Well, how do you know?!
Billy, did you get any
documentation certifying
that they're definitely dead?
What did she say?
She said they were caught in Alaska,
so she's guessing
there's a fair chance
they didn't survive the journey.
Toast!
I don't think you appreciate
how serious I am about this.
Jesus, this guy looks like a dog.
That Goddamn white streak
makes him look like an asshole.
He looks like a fucking asshole,
like skunkhead.
Maybe he's in the witness
protection programme, I don't know.
Maybe he's going through something.
Just so you know, you're not muted.
Fuck me.
All right, I've got to go. Bye.
I am so sorry.
I am terribly, terribly sorry.
You know, I'm juggling my cellphone,
I've got the iPad
It's OK.
These things, they happen.
Now, listen, Toast,
I'm so glad you called.
He wants to meet you.
Who does?
"Who does?" Our Goddamn star,
that's who, our A-lister.
He is ready to say hello personally.
Yesterday's knee thing went
so great, and now he thinks
it's time to, you know, finally meet
face-to-face.
Great. When's it happening?
Tomorrow. I'm hosting a big
Hollywood party.
It's a fancy dress party,
a David Bowie-themed fancy
dress party.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
I'm going as Ziggy Stardust.
Yes, I did think you looked
a little different.
So that look is gone.
You can't look like
Ziggy Stardust, OK?
You need another David Bowie
costume, because as I say,
Ziggy is gone.
No Ziggy. Very well.
This movie's going to be
my best ever, I can smell it.
Great. I did presume you were
going to be here.
I'm actually in Alaska.
It's such a shame I can't meet you
in person, Toast,
but it won't stop me
from enjoying this party.
Anyway, our star
is dying to meet you.
Is he here yet?
I don't see him there.
One thing, Toast, you see anybody
else dressed like Ziggy Stardust,
tell Nina Armenian to throw 'em out,
all right?
Hello?
Hi, I'm Paul Rudd, I'm here
for the Dwight Difference party.
Are you dressed as Ziggy Stardust?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, Dwight's already
selected that costume,
so I'm afraid you're not allowed
to enter the premises.
Drink, sir?
Why not?
I knew David Bowie.
Charming chap.
Always carried explosives.
Is it always this hot?
Are you English?
Yes. Is it that obvious?
I'm an actor.
Are you Anthony Hopkins?
No. He's Welsh.
I'm actually here because I'm
starring in the new Star Wars movie.
Yeah, sure.
What did you say?
I said make sure you see
the beautiful garden.
It was actually the first garden
in America, created in 1965.
You never know
who you might see there.
I saw Simon Garfunkel once.
Oh, it's one person?
For years, I assumed
they were a double act.
Anyway, you might bump into
a few celebrities out there.
OK, sounds great.
Do you fancy a stroll?
Sorry, sir, I'm not allowed
to socialise in any way with guests.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Ah, wishing well.
So it is.
Ooh!
I knew very little of science
fiction before I accepted the role,
so to win this Oscar
is very special.
Very special indeed.
Thank you.
Hello.
Toast, Toast, snap out of it.
Toast! Snap out of it!
Where a? Where am I?
What the hell happened, Steven?
I was attacked by a man in a
David Bowie Ashes To Ashes costume.
This man?
That's him. That's who attacked me.
Shit, that's just Daniel
being Daniel.
Who?
Daniel Day-Lewis, you goof.
That's who.
He's the A-lister in our movie.
Daniel Day-Lewis was
the Ashes To Ashes man?
Yes. He just wanted to say hello.
Jesus, I think you might have
blown it, Steven.
I mean, you bit his ear off.
I what?
You lost all control, Toast.
Daniel has gone straight to the
hospital whilst his team search
the gardens for his missing ear.
Really? What the fuck's
the matter with you?
They've been looking for it
for three hours.
Do you remember biting it off,
Steven? No.
I mean, I may have slightly
panicked, you know,
the fight or flight response
to a tense situation.
I chose fight.
Which was the wrong response.
Yes, in hindsight,
I should have chosen flight.
Do you think this might affect
our movie?
Nina, take me inside.
Yes, Dwight.
No, wait, wait
Dumb Limey asshole.
Should've known not to hire someone
who looks like a pimp from the '70s.
Apart from the fight
with Daniel Day-Lewis,
where they claim I bit his ear off,
I'd say the party
was a huge success.
The movie's not going ahead.
Finished.
You messed up big time, buddy.
Daniel Day-Lewis has pulled out.
You bit his Goddamn ear off.
He's gone into retirement.
He's never going to make a movie
ever again.
Bit of an overreaction,
wouldn't you say?
You bit his ear off!
I've no recollection
of that at all.
It doesn't matter what you
recollect, you crazy bastard,
the main thing is the movie
is not happening.
My son-in-law
..is real pissed.
Well, thank goodness I still have
the Star Wars movie
to look forward to.
Have you seen the state
of David Bowie's costume?
What the hell
are you going to tell him?
Tell who?
OK, here's my next meeting.
Good God, it's Edward Fox.
Toast? What the hell
are you doing here in LA?
I'm starring in the new
Star Wars movie.
Yeah, sure.
What's this rumshenanigan
I hear about you
chomping off Daniel Day-Lewis' ear?
The poor bugger just
came out of retirement.
How the hell did you know that?
Toast, your time with me is over.
I'm now in a meeting with
Edward Fox.
Please vacate the vehicle.
Toodle-pip, Toast.
Where's Billy?
Don't worry about Billy.
Billy's going to be fine.
You just concentrate
on standing still,
and put that apple on your head.
You got a problem with that?
If I'm honest, Russ,
it's not really the Tinseltown
experience I imagined.
Just put the apple on your head,
keep the dialogue to a minimum,
and your headstill.
All right.