Tofu (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

- - Why especially in this country? I agree with you but I'm interested why Yeah, I don't know what it is about us culturally, but we really have an issue with sex.
We have an issue with talking about sex.
- Eurgh! Eurgh! Sex! - Sex! Eurgh! I think it's very healthy to talk about it, I really believe that.
It's just that I find it difficult.
We need to get over ourselves about it and start talking much more openly about it.
In a group of friends I think it's quite funny to talk about embarrassing stuff that's happened.
- In a weird way, it's bonding.
- It is.
People often try to outdo each other with sex stories, "I did this, I did that.
" Seems sometimes these days the filthier you are, the better it is! I managed to talk a girl into getting her mum involved once.
HE LAUGHS "Thrust it right in and she really, she was climbing the walls, banging on the headboard.
" You want to make sure that what you're doing is normal.
Have you ever stuck your thumb up me dad's arse? - No, he'd not let me.
- See, the older generation, they're boring.
I think that's why - we're so obsessed with it.
- I think about sex a lot, I guess.
Um Which sounds weird to say out loud, um It's Channel 4.
- Yeah, it is, yeah.
- You can say anything on Channel 4.
Great, I think about fucking all of the time! Bad sex is when you're trying to be, for me, more masculine than I am.
When I'm trying to be more Freddie Baxter than actually I am.
Even when sex is bad, it's still pretty good.
I was named Harry Potter for about three months, because I had sex underneath some stairs.
I did it on a kitchen table once, and it was fucking horrible.
Once somebody, um, tried to toss me off in a club.
You know, just messing about in the back of a taxi.
I could hear RHYTHMIC CREAKING And then the taxi man swerved.
They got it out, they got it hard and they got it going, but there was no - excretion.
- My knees were killing me.
After a while, it was like ten minutes, I was like, "Let's go upstairs, I can't handle this any more, this is ridiculous.
" Contrary to popular belief, I can't stand getting fucked for shit.
- Hate it, I hate every single - He is such a liar.
- Oh, my God! - Every single second of it.
If I'm in love, go ahead You just mean on camera.
No, what? You just mean not getting fucked on camera.
No, not even, it's really not about that, - I just really can't stand it.
- He's such a liar, don't even listen to him.
OK, that's right.
That's why all my ex-boyfriends were on top, right? Probably.
You were talking on Grindr with someone called Top Loader.
HE LAUGHS Somebody talks to me, what do you want me to tell 'em?! "Oh, you're top? Bye!" Fucking bitch.
There's no amount of time that could put that butthole in pain, so he's lying as well.
He's got that little numbing cream, he sticks that in there and fucks - For scenes, yes, my last two scenes.
- And he can be like, "OK, go ahead.
" For hours, smoking a cigarette, you know, just chilling there.
It's like people say consent is sexy.
Consent is not sexy.
Enthusiasm is sexy, consent is, " All right then, if you must.
" You know when you do the thing where you talk to someone all night, and then you drink wine and sometimes you go and get cold pizza out the fridge, and you sit in bed, that is better than sex for me.
That's foreplay.
- Top Loader, really, bitch?! - I saw it, bitch.
Fuck, it doesn't mean I'm getting your load up my ass! I think friendship, spark and you've got that buzz with someone.
I'd been sort of chasing this girl for a couple of days, I got her drunk one night and well, we both got drunk one night and we went back to her place.
We ended up in the bedroom and she wanted me to put it in her bum and er, yeah, she shit all over my shirt.
If it'd been a little bit, I could have just sort of worked past it, but it was everywhere! She wasn't even embarrassed, so I'm pretty sure it'd happened before.
I didn't even bother putting my jeans on, I just walked straight down Magaluf strip, virtually naked, straight back to my apartment, burnt my shirt on the way, threw my jeans in the nearest bin, and just went to sleep and tried to forget that that experience ever happened.
I'm a young single man, 6'4, bit of a six-pack, seven-inch cock, 2,500 followers on Twitter and a Netflix subscription I don't pay for.
I look down on him because he's old enough to be my dad.
Also, he probably pays for his Netflix account.
Prick.
I'm a married 48-year-old man.
When I was his age 48 seemed older than God.
I look up to him because society values youth and beauty over age and experience, but I look down on him for precisely the same reasons.
I hate them both.
Most days I feel invisible, inadequate and out of my depth, but I can afford to pay for my Netflix account, so I guess the joke's on him.
I'm old.
I look up to them because I've shrunk three inches in the last five years and I was never very big to start with.
But I'm still sexually active.
Although they probably think that's gross.
- Yeah.
- Or impossible.
Kinda.
I have sex with my wife once a fortnight, for six or seven minutes.
Sometimes she thinks THAT'S gross.
Sometimes it's impossible.
I have sex with his wife too, at least once a fortnight.
She loves every minute of it bit of this, some of that.
I make her come so hard she forgets where we are.
We're usually in the Cheetham Hill area or sometimes in the back seat of my dad's car.
Older women love it.
They know what they want and they aren't afraid to ask for it.
Anal, bondage, domination, submission.
She once asked if we could piss on each other and we did, we really did! Here's to you, Mrs Robinson! She wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire! I've pissed myself twice since this sketch began! Peter Stringfellow famously well, not that famously, in an interview I read with him, said, "In life you get a choice, you can either be funny or sexy, but you can't be both.
" But coming from Peter Stringfellow If Peter says that then that must be true.
But his point was that Peter's letter to the Corinthians.
HE LAUGHS 1 Peter 4:16 says I think I'm part of the first generation that's gone, "Actually, I'm just going to have fun.
" People my generation and sort of it's been growing the last sort of however many decades, there's like a lust and a thirst for doing - something wild and out there.
- I like to watch, twink, hunk, muscle, bareback, straight You tend to like, push the limit a little further every time.
Like this now, with this Christian Grey and these - Fifty Shades of Grey.
- Bondage! People think, "Oh, you dirty bitch.
" But that's the way I am, but We'd still think it was filthy - but we'd be fine about it.
- You're not embarrassed about it.
We still have a sex drive, we still have some form of build up, we all need some form of release.
If you told me that Dad had come in your eye, I'd be mortified.
But if I told you that, you'd laugh at me.
Like all young beautiful people I crave reassurance, so I take selfies in the gym and post them on the Net.
I sometimes send girls pictures of my cock on Snapchat.
I can tell they're impressed.
I don't know what Snapchat is.
But sometimes I e-mail people at work photos of my dog Alfie, because I crave reassurance.
I can tell they're impressed.
If I want to show off my cock I drop my trousers.
Anywhere, any time.
I get away with it because I'm old.
I do think there is an awfulness in being male, an inherent awfulness.
Do you think there's a difference in the way men and women talk about sex? Yeah, men are pigs like 90% of the time.
There's a contorted view that men have, that because they would have sex with anyone, the fact that not all women want to have sex with them, then means that women don't really want sex.
More quickly than we are able to ascertain that, "Oh, I see, it's just that they don't all want sex with ME.
" Men can be nasty about it, you know "You slag," you know, like that.
Men exaggerate and lie about sex continuously.
They're exaggerating - three-quarters of the time.
- Usually it is.
What they've done, how big their whatsits are and things like that.
It wasn't as good as you say it was.
There's the sex they have, which is like probably quite intimate and tentative, and then the sex they talk about.
When I'm with my mates it's, "Yeah, lads, lads, lads, lads!" Eff this, eff that! "This bird, man, she was great, yeah, yeah.
" You kind of just become this group of testosterone fuelled boys, do you know what I mean? I think that's what it is like.
You all get pumped, and once one lad starts, "This happened," someone else is like, "This happened," then someone else is like, "I can top that!" You look at teenage boys and they often gloat about what sex they've had and what they've done "I've fingered her, done this, done that," and to an extent, 20-something gays are like that.
It's almost like it's sort of dropped back, fallen back a few years.
You hear them in bars gloating about who they've got with, who they've been with.
I think the sex drive is greater in men.
I think men think about it a lot more than women.
Men think about it all the time.
I can't help it.
You're driving down the road and you see a pretty woman, you think, "Ooh!" And my wife doesn't do that.
She says, "I never look at blokes, I never even think about it.
" Maybe she's just subtler than you are! Well, could well be, you could be right! As long as you're doing it between friends who you trust and you have a laugh.
As long as you're not being degrading to girls or derogatory.
The vast majority of our friends are queer and queer people tend to be a lot more open about it.
- But straight people talk about sex the whole time.
- Yeah, they do.
Straight guys do talk about it the whole time and according to Sex And The City, straight girls do it as well.
Yeah, but it's in a very different way, I think.
You put a group of women together and they're very, very naughty.
"Oh, if he'd only just lick me there a bit further he might have got my clitoris going even more," you know.
Having an unfettered sexual desire as a woman is still really rather taboo - and not something you would feel - Thank God! Women have always kind of been in the closet.
With their friends, you have that conversation, but I think now, - a lot more open.
- People are becoming a lot more open about sex.
Surely it's encouraging people to talk.
Surely it's like if anything, educating people on how to not mess up.
It's not just about learning how to do sex, it's more how to approach it as well and how to do it safely, comfortably and with consent.