Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 This week in a very special edition of Gogglebox we head to Islington and the home of later on leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
What is this show called? Tracy Breaks The News.
Who's that old bloke meant to be? What kind of an oh, was that, dear? I have to organise Nuys the Conservative Christmas party.
Steep Christmas is mere before we know it, we are not prepared.
It is Brexit with tinsel! I have to keep the party happy, they have worked jolly hard.
It has to be safe for all of the guests.
No set pest stuff.
Phillip, I am absolutely determined to tackle this issue, all of a sudden.
Right you are, Teflon Tess.
In the invitations we are not inviting anyone with the words octopus, wandering or bastard.
Sounds nice.
We need alcohol, perhaps English sparkling wine.
That will stop people drinking too much.
What about dancing? Nothing with physical contact.
Not the locomotive and nobody scrawling on the floor to Oops Up One Side's Head.
Boris Johnson will be happy.
That is a plus.
What about the one you don't touch, you do the arms and jump on the spot? The macarana.
It is a bit European.
Well that's out too, then! What? It's Michael Gove making a joke, that is in no way funny at all.
Then stop it.
And why aren't I on the group? Just paws I don't have what's ap, doesn't mean I should not be included? No, dear.
Amber Rudd says we should do a secret Santa.
I can't see anything wrong with that, as long as you don't bring certain toys? What about toys, we are grown ups? Do you mean Marks & Spencer? Never mind.
So a Christmas party, without any toys or music, I'm worried it is still too upbeat for the Democratic Unionist Party.
So, a group on a train.
Everyone thinks this each other has committed murder.
We are very proud of it.
The first film based on the Southern Rail franchise.
No! We is lots of fake social media accounts in the West.
Yes? The social media companies are shutting them down.
Why? For being fake.
It costs thus thousands.
I've lost my favourite.
We must keep turning the West against itself or Vladimir Putin will get sad.
And if he gets sad, I get sad and people go missing.
There must be other ways to undermine politics in the UK.
For Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the Prime Minister and finish the job for us.
OK.
Danny? Assimilate fake videos on Facebook? What is that sound, boring! I want new ways to undermine democracy! Recipe books.
Who needs recipe books? Vodka and dumplings, is the only recipe that we need.
But a British person is given a recipe book every Christmas.
Yes.
Infiltrate the publishers, buy up the printers, the recipes will be adjusted! That smells lovely.
It's the new Nigella.
Why does it say Nato's shit.
I don't know, because it? You are watching the news.
Further allegations of sexual misconduct emerged, you know, I kicked a supervisor in the balls in 2008 instead of accepting his advances.
Perhaps that is why I've been on this night shift for nine years.
The time is only 20 minutes since I last looked.
Feels like longer.
Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonald are watching Sounds Like Friday Night.
Met him.
Know her.
He's a fan.
Is that so? Reminds me of Glastonbury.
Shall I put my speech on again.
Can we take a break.
I'm starving.
Due few puff? Lovely.
Actually, I'm OK.
Going rather well, don't you think? That bit where I explained to you who Noel fielding was.
Classic Gogglebox.
Sure this is a good idea? We are meant to be social revolutionaries.
This is TV fluff? Political MPs have to come across as normal people.
Inviting the TV cameras into my crypt is good.
We should be focussing on the real enemy? What, Paul Hollywood! No, the bloody Tories! All right, comrade, let's take it down a notch.
The workers.
I worry about the showbiz stuff.
You don't want to talk about elected people.
My job is to spread the gospel of international neo-Marxist international capitalism.
That is why I appear on Loose Women.
The fact that I have great chemistry with Stacey Solomon is neither here nor there.
You have a new image with the beard and the clothes.
I've had the same clothe for 30 years.
These day you wear them, before they were just sort of On you.
We have to get back in there.
Listen, John, I'm still the same old Jeremy, champion of ordinary working people.
Look at this programme, the way it documents the neo-liberal consumerist model, providing workers with a decent income but forcing them to demeaning ways to find a few extra quid.
It's only Bargain Hunt.
I'm using beige on your cheeks to go with your eyes.
Remind me who I am meeting with.
Oh, the other one I know it was Macron but it is not as if I have been counting the dares and the minutes.
I know what you are like around him.
Don't be taken in by his charm.
I know the difference between the politics and the lady in the bath.
Don't worry, I will be 100% professional.
Emmanuel Angela.
Please.
Are you wearing book shelf beige? You noticed! Now, on the agenda, we have to talk about the Brexit fallout.
Let's start with finances.
We want London City jobs to move to Paris.
Paris! Oh Then you should have them, naturally Moving on to the British text sector.
We want those jobs in Germany.
Of course but if someone were to say that France could have the tech jobs then that person would be the most generous as well as the most attractive leader the world has known.
Oh, my God, I think that is good, ja.
That should be good you can have the tech.
I need you for a moment.
I'm busy.
There is a sudden crisis in the bratwurst industry.
And there are problems on the new Kraftwerk album.
And your lipstick smudged How can you let that happen.
You are letting Macron run circles around you.
I am just waiting before I throw in the hard demands.
You are the sex bomb.
You are the power.
You are right, what was I thinking?! You must think me a fool, I am not taken in by you.
We want.
0% of the bank jobs and 80% of the tech jobs.
So, it is like this.
I Yes.
I thought we had something special.
Nein.
How could I think that I could best you? I have been foolish to underestimate such an exceptional woman as I walk the grounds of this conference centre alone tonight tonight Naked from the waist up.
Oiled.
Beads of percent operation, dripping there every part of my torso.
Oh You can have the jobs.
OK.
We are done.
Back to Paris.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, just having a Pop Tart.
Donald Trump's campaign manager has been charged with a dozen serious offences related to hiring foreign payments.
And Donald Trump has done a series of angry tweets.
Imagine, I don't know But it's a fair guess! Great news, the hospital air B and B idea we trialled in Southend has been not immediately rejected by a Health Minister.
That bombed in the press.
Thought it was dead in the water.
Apparently not.
What is next.
Expand on it? The Prison Service is stretched.
.
Ask the public to take the strain.
£50 to house a convict.
House a slasher, earn some cacher! Maybe something more friendly.
So it doesn'ts sound like you get murdered.
And offer training on how to restrain a violent criminal.
I love it but are police arresting anymore? Funny you should say that.
We have been working on an app.
Open it at the moment of assault, swipe lift if you are stabbed, right for being mugged.
I prefer the term arresteroo enforcer.
Fantastic! Anything else? Archie Why wait for so-called firefighters, when a blaze can connect you with bucket holders in your local area.
And you don't have to do anything as ablaze uses the phone's in-built censor to detect the heat from your fire as quickly as It's melting! It works better on android.
It is not awful, which is the same as being brilliant.
We're on fire.
Yes, we are! No, we are on fire.
Call 999.
No need, ablaze has got this Right, has anyone got 4G? She's going to break the news! Giddy up, filly.
Over the hedge.
Bump! And she make it is over again.
She's going to win the gymkhana! Camilla here.
Hello, sexy bum.
Not home for ages.
Phillip is tired.
Kate is knocked up, so I'm taking up the slack.
Not an hour goes buy when I'm not opening something or shaking hands with a snotty toddler.
I have to go.
I have to canter to the chemist.
Hello.
My father-in-law is forgetting to take pills I need a box marked with the days of the week.
Of course.
I've arranged a 21 gun salute to remind him of the time.
Hello? No.
You had your banquet.
Don't you remember? 12 courses Yes, I'll be back soon.
No, I won't forget your Sudoku! He keeps his brain active, you know.
Now, what else do I need.
Oh, yes! The mother-in-law is losing her crown.
Sometimes she says "where I have put my crown?" I say it is on her head.
And sometimes she leave it is on her head or in Canada.
Have you got a string to keep it on her neck? Yes, in red or blue.
Anything with any precious gems? No.
She should retire.
She is showing her age.
Wandering into a part of the Commonwealth and saying what did she go there for? Don't they life with you? Oh, God, you need a place where you pull a chord and somebody comes to them? A care home? A palace.
But I am taking them to a day care centre.
Oh, God, the mother-in-law now, hello? Have you looked on your head? On your head?! On your head?! Have you you been groped at home or at work? Preferably at work? Have you been asked to massage someone in order to get a job? Or buy sex toys for another man's wife? We are here to head.
The deadline for reporting sexual harassment is fast approaching.
Newspapers are losing interest.
But don't take my word for it When I was felt up by an employer in 2009 I was scared that I would jeopardise my career.
Now I've come forward, they have explained it was OK back then, so it was great.
Don't delay.
Act now before idiots who have never experienced it, accuse you of jumping on the bandwagon.
Tawe star Gemma Collins has reportedly considered legal action after falling down a hole at the Radio 1 team awards.
And Sorry just checking it still says news up there.
-- TOWIE.
Apparently this is news now.
The burgeoning nuclear Armageddon is presumably being covered by Heat magazine.
I can't believe my nine was faster, so embarrassing.
Sports halls across England.
Close as cuts bite.
Brainstorm.
People sign up to rent out their back gardens to people who want to play rounders.
How about for an extra fee access to the bath for an experienced almost like swimming.
Let's call it scuba.
Let's do this, I'm from the app, where is the fire? Jeremy Hunt John are now watching the apprentice.
Aren't the team names ridiculous? I know.
Vitality.
Synergy.
Kinetic.
Evolve.
You don't think They sound nothing like momentum.
It's a sensible name for a political organisation, not like a daft apprentice team name.
momentum, that doesn't sound likely.
Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea, I'm presenting loose, Bobsleigh, skiing, skating, ice hockey, skeleton, live shows, catch-up shows, opening ceremony and closing ceremony.
I've got to be honest, producer, Sue, I'm worried.
There must be more I can do.
Please, let me help I'm going to be a spare part in the Nordic combined so I thought while I'm over there I could pop up to North Korea.
What? They are in a terrible pickle, I've got this.
I could nip over there, bang a few heads together and fixed the whole hullabaloo.
You'll get a programme, we can call it Clare Balding's nuclear throw-down.
I fancy my chances in a chinwag with Kim Jong-un.
I mean if anyone can deal with a power obsessed maniac it's me.
I presented today at Wimbledon with John McEnroe.
I'm not sure.
I'll start with easy questions, settle him like a jittery horse.
Kim, what is the atmosphere like in your brutal regime? Talk us through the moment you associate your own half brother, fluffy stuff, then take a big Clare Balding breath and ask how proud he would be to accept a formal peace treaty.
I'll bamboozle him.
I've got this, yeah, flat white and a cappuccino for Andrew.
There you go.
Don't worry, I can put this through for Andrew, just wants to help.
You could get arrested, put in prison.
That would put a crook endings.
Would it? I could not in with the other inmates, take them rambling round the exercise yard.
You could film that, too, Clare Balding inside the gulag is.
I've got this.
Could be a 2-part special.
Four part special.
And I'll do the voice-over, I'll use my Slocum serious voice I do when GB comes in last.
-- my slow, serious voice.
I've got this, stand back everybody! If you want to solve a problem what about an issue closer to home like Brexit? Brexit? Not even boulders could deal with that sticky wicket.
There you go.
Study, study Gordon Brown has revealed in a memoir he wasn't entirely cut out to be Prime Minister.
In other news The Pope is Catholic.
Stay tuned for breaking revelations about where bears shit.
Woods, said a bad word.
Let's see if anyone upstairs is watching As I thought.
Here's your copy.
Touch of milk.
But not too much.
Not too sweet.
Not too bitter.
Bang in the centre, the way we like things here.
I'm going to decant into my Tim Farron mug.
I told you we'd get rid of them eventually, only 1998 to go.
We've not exactly been going like hot cakes.
I know, it's so unfair.
When Tory and Labour MPs job of the front bench as they become inexplicably popular.
Michael Portillo.
Everybody hated him but stick him on a train in Asprey trousers and suddenly he is cosy tea-time viewing.
Why has it not happened for Tim? Ed Balls That was strictly.
Would Tim be up for that? Is never specifically said he wouldn't wear sequins but he's hinted at it.
There is more than strictly, there are all sorts of other reality shows.
That's true, we could always ask Where is our phonebook of previous leaders? Ashdown, Campbell, cable, Clegg Tim commits Rebecca from party headquarters.
Just a thought, we'd like to apply for you to be on I'm a celebrity.
How would you feel about crawling through a tunnel of rats to get stars to get food for the camp? No? What about Bear Grylls? How would you feel about crawling through undergrowth to get food to the camp? No? OK, OK.
Love Island? You go to an island and have sex with a string of glamour stars.
Yes, sex.
Heterosexual sex.
He's hung up.
Look at him, bringing the reputation of our national game, a source of Scottish pride being destroyed by this tiny handed in Mucci headed hate monkey.
You know what's really bad, Nicola, he looks Scottish.
His flaxen hair and strange sickly complexion.
It's worse than that, we Mhairi, his mother was Scottish, a McLeod, just having one of his exist on Scottish soil is national humiliation.
Sadly golf is his game of choice, that and nonconsensual groping.
We have to find a way to put people off using his course.
Get him out of Scotland.
I call it, operation arsehole in one.
Here is our quartermaster, canny Kenny, what have you got for us? A right load of balls.
Balls? I, but not any balls.
They might look like ordinary golf balls, but the outer shell is only the thickness of a haggis skin, inside is hollow.
Filled with 6000 genetically engineered midges.
It only takes a swipe from one of these balls and the insulin crowd of beasties would devour the epidermis of every player on the fairway.
They like pale skin best, ideal for the Caledonian golfer.
Canny Kenny, it's perfect.
In one fell swoop we will crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.
Midges It's not so bad, it's only like camping in Loch Lomond.
Prue Leith has apologised for revealing who won the great British Bake Off before the final was broadcast, treating the explanation, I mean Obertan.
What kind of an excuse is that? Sorry I said that sexy picture to everyone at your work, but I'm in Bhutan.
Reducing Alexis long-term relationship edition.
Buy wine for Carol's party on Friday.
You didn't tell me about Carol's party.
That's fine, I'll cancel my plans.
Just like you've been together for ever.
Alexis, ten classical music on.
Alexis, turn classical music on.
Yes, get in! I've even listening to me? Recommend a local takeaway I don't mind, you decide.
You must have an opinion.
Whatever, you choose.
Order pizza.
Not pizza.
The Alexis long-term relationship edition.
Remember exactly why you chose to stay single in the first place.
Get out! And take your charging dock with you! You wanted to see me? Yes, I think we need to talk about how your economics degree is going.
Definite.
I'm concerned your written work is very poor.
Not good enough, is it? What have you got to say for yourself? What have I got to say to myself? The question is what have you got to say? I'm the one paying £9,000 a year and frankly I'm not getting my money 's worth.
You need to pull your socks up.
No you need to pull my socks up.
I can't pull yours up.
I'm better off if I fail, they worked it out, I'll have borrowed just over £27,000 for this degree, but they only need to pay it back if I get a well-paid job, which in my case is already looking unlikely thank God.
The worst you do in the degree the better value for money? Yeah, let's face it, this place is struggling.
What makes you say that? You let me in.
If you do badly it reflects badly on the ad I could lose funding.
Lecturers like you are incentivised to get students like me into as much debt as possible.
That can't be right can it? You're right, the whole university funding system makes no sense.
Precisely.
This is brilliant work, your grades will go through the roof.
You could do my job.
How much do you earn? 40,000 a year.
What are you doing? Repayments Have you heard the news, we Mhairi? Operation arsehole in one was a complete success, like a biblical plague according to the Gazette and they are not given to exaggeration.
Attendance is down 50% already.
Nicola have you heard the good news? I, the club is losing members faster than the SNP at a general election.
Shut it, we Mhairi.
Trump was making one of his secret visit and was caught in the swarm, we got him.
Written all over, left blotchy and red-faced.
I can't tell the difference.
Well, we tried.
Scottish golf is doomed.
Issue a press release, our national sport is now officially caber tossing.
Yes! Jeremy Hunt John are one more familiar territory with Question Time.
Good.
A bit more dignified.
That's the best bit, you can turn over now.
What is this show called? Tracy Breaks The News.
Who's that old bloke meant to be? What kind of an oh, was that, dear? I have to organise Nuys the Conservative Christmas party.
Steep Christmas is mere before we know it, we are not prepared.
It is Brexit with tinsel! I have to keep the party happy, they have worked jolly hard.
It has to be safe for all of the guests.
No set pest stuff.
Phillip, I am absolutely determined to tackle this issue, all of a sudden.
Right you are, Teflon Tess.
In the invitations we are not inviting anyone with the words octopus, wandering or bastard.
Sounds nice.
We need alcohol, perhaps English sparkling wine.
That will stop people drinking too much.
What about dancing? Nothing with physical contact.
Not the locomotive and nobody scrawling on the floor to Oops Up One Side's Head.
Boris Johnson will be happy.
That is a plus.
What about the one you don't touch, you do the arms and jump on the spot? The macarana.
It is a bit European.
Well that's out too, then! What? It's Michael Gove making a joke, that is in no way funny at all.
Then stop it.
And why aren't I on the group? Just paws I don't have what's ap, doesn't mean I should not be included? No, dear.
Amber Rudd says we should do a secret Santa.
I can't see anything wrong with that, as long as you don't bring certain toys? What about toys, we are grown ups? Do you mean Marks & Spencer? Never mind.
So a Christmas party, without any toys or music, I'm worried it is still too upbeat for the Democratic Unionist Party.
So, a group on a train.
Everyone thinks this each other has committed murder.
We are very proud of it.
The first film based on the Southern Rail franchise.
No! We is lots of fake social media accounts in the West.
Yes? The social media companies are shutting them down.
Why? For being fake.
It costs thus thousands.
I've lost my favourite.
We must keep turning the West against itself or Vladimir Putin will get sad.
And if he gets sad, I get sad and people go missing.
There must be other ways to undermine politics in the UK.
For Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the Prime Minister and finish the job for us.
OK.
Danny? Assimilate fake videos on Facebook? What is that sound, boring! I want new ways to undermine democracy! Recipe books.
Who needs recipe books? Vodka and dumplings, is the only recipe that we need.
But a British person is given a recipe book every Christmas.
Yes.
Infiltrate the publishers, buy up the printers, the recipes will be adjusted! That smells lovely.
It's the new Nigella.
Why does it say Nato's shit.
I don't know, because it? You are watching the news.
Further allegations of sexual misconduct emerged, you know, I kicked a supervisor in the balls in 2008 instead of accepting his advances.
Perhaps that is why I've been on this night shift for nine years.
The time is only 20 minutes since I last looked.
Feels like longer.
Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonald are watching Sounds Like Friday Night.
Met him.
Know her.
He's a fan.
Is that so? Reminds me of Glastonbury.
Shall I put my speech on again.
Can we take a break.
I'm starving.
Due few puff? Lovely.
Actually, I'm OK.
Going rather well, don't you think? That bit where I explained to you who Noel fielding was.
Classic Gogglebox.
Sure this is a good idea? We are meant to be social revolutionaries.
This is TV fluff? Political MPs have to come across as normal people.
Inviting the TV cameras into my crypt is good.
We should be focussing on the real enemy? What, Paul Hollywood! No, the bloody Tories! All right, comrade, let's take it down a notch.
The workers.
I worry about the showbiz stuff.
You don't want to talk about elected people.
My job is to spread the gospel of international neo-Marxist international capitalism.
That is why I appear on Loose Women.
The fact that I have great chemistry with Stacey Solomon is neither here nor there.
You have a new image with the beard and the clothes.
I've had the same clothe for 30 years.
These day you wear them, before they were just sort of On you.
We have to get back in there.
Listen, John, I'm still the same old Jeremy, champion of ordinary working people.
Look at this programme, the way it documents the neo-liberal consumerist model, providing workers with a decent income but forcing them to demeaning ways to find a few extra quid.
It's only Bargain Hunt.
I'm using beige on your cheeks to go with your eyes.
Remind me who I am meeting with.
Oh, the other one I know it was Macron but it is not as if I have been counting the dares and the minutes.
I know what you are like around him.
Don't be taken in by his charm.
I know the difference between the politics and the lady in the bath.
Don't worry, I will be 100% professional.
Emmanuel Angela.
Please.
Are you wearing book shelf beige? You noticed! Now, on the agenda, we have to talk about the Brexit fallout.
Let's start with finances.
We want London City jobs to move to Paris.
Paris! Oh Then you should have them, naturally Moving on to the British text sector.
We want those jobs in Germany.
Of course but if someone were to say that France could have the tech jobs then that person would be the most generous as well as the most attractive leader the world has known.
Oh, my God, I think that is good, ja.
That should be good you can have the tech.
I need you for a moment.
I'm busy.
There is a sudden crisis in the bratwurst industry.
And there are problems on the new Kraftwerk album.
And your lipstick smudged How can you let that happen.
You are letting Macron run circles around you.
I am just waiting before I throw in the hard demands.
You are the sex bomb.
You are the power.
You are right, what was I thinking?! You must think me a fool, I am not taken in by you.
We want.
0% of the bank jobs and 80% of the tech jobs.
So, it is like this.
I Yes.
I thought we had something special.
Nein.
How could I think that I could best you? I have been foolish to underestimate such an exceptional woman as I walk the grounds of this conference centre alone tonight tonight Naked from the waist up.
Oiled.
Beads of percent operation, dripping there every part of my torso.
Oh You can have the jobs.
OK.
We are done.
Back to Paris.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, just having a Pop Tart.
Donald Trump's campaign manager has been charged with a dozen serious offences related to hiring foreign payments.
And Donald Trump has done a series of angry tweets.
Imagine, I don't know But it's a fair guess! Great news, the hospital air B and B idea we trialled in Southend has been not immediately rejected by a Health Minister.
That bombed in the press.
Thought it was dead in the water.
Apparently not.
What is next.
Expand on it? The Prison Service is stretched.
.
Ask the public to take the strain.
£50 to house a convict.
House a slasher, earn some cacher! Maybe something more friendly.
So it doesn'ts sound like you get murdered.
And offer training on how to restrain a violent criminal.
I love it but are police arresting anymore? Funny you should say that.
We have been working on an app.
Open it at the moment of assault, swipe lift if you are stabbed, right for being mugged.
I prefer the term arresteroo enforcer.
Fantastic! Anything else? Archie Why wait for so-called firefighters, when a blaze can connect you with bucket holders in your local area.
And you don't have to do anything as ablaze uses the phone's in-built censor to detect the heat from your fire as quickly as It's melting! It works better on android.
It is not awful, which is the same as being brilliant.
We're on fire.
Yes, we are! No, we are on fire.
Call 999.
No need, ablaze has got this Right, has anyone got 4G? She's going to break the news! Giddy up, filly.
Over the hedge.
Bump! And she make it is over again.
She's going to win the gymkhana! Camilla here.
Hello, sexy bum.
Not home for ages.
Phillip is tired.
Kate is knocked up, so I'm taking up the slack.
Not an hour goes buy when I'm not opening something or shaking hands with a snotty toddler.
I have to go.
I have to canter to the chemist.
Hello.
My father-in-law is forgetting to take pills I need a box marked with the days of the week.
Of course.
I've arranged a 21 gun salute to remind him of the time.
Hello? No.
You had your banquet.
Don't you remember? 12 courses Yes, I'll be back soon.
No, I won't forget your Sudoku! He keeps his brain active, you know.
Now, what else do I need.
Oh, yes! The mother-in-law is losing her crown.
Sometimes she says "where I have put my crown?" I say it is on her head.
And sometimes she leave it is on her head or in Canada.
Have you got a string to keep it on her neck? Yes, in red or blue.
Anything with any precious gems? No.
She should retire.
She is showing her age.
Wandering into a part of the Commonwealth and saying what did she go there for? Don't they life with you? Oh, God, you need a place where you pull a chord and somebody comes to them? A care home? A palace.
But I am taking them to a day care centre.
Oh, God, the mother-in-law now, hello? Have you looked on your head? On your head?! On your head?! Have you you been groped at home or at work? Preferably at work? Have you been asked to massage someone in order to get a job? Or buy sex toys for another man's wife? We are here to head.
The deadline for reporting sexual harassment is fast approaching.
Newspapers are losing interest.
But don't take my word for it When I was felt up by an employer in 2009 I was scared that I would jeopardise my career.
Now I've come forward, they have explained it was OK back then, so it was great.
Don't delay.
Act now before idiots who have never experienced it, accuse you of jumping on the bandwagon.
Tawe star Gemma Collins has reportedly considered legal action after falling down a hole at the Radio 1 team awards.
And Sorry just checking it still says news up there.
-- TOWIE.
Apparently this is news now.
The burgeoning nuclear Armageddon is presumably being covered by Heat magazine.
I can't believe my nine was faster, so embarrassing.
Sports halls across England.
Close as cuts bite.
Brainstorm.
People sign up to rent out their back gardens to people who want to play rounders.
How about for an extra fee access to the bath for an experienced almost like swimming.
Let's call it scuba.
Let's do this, I'm from the app, where is the fire? Jeremy Hunt John are now watching the apprentice.
Aren't the team names ridiculous? I know.
Vitality.
Synergy.
Kinetic.
Evolve.
You don't think They sound nothing like momentum.
It's a sensible name for a political organisation, not like a daft apprentice team name.
momentum, that doesn't sound likely.
Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea, I'm presenting loose, Bobsleigh, skiing, skating, ice hockey, skeleton, live shows, catch-up shows, opening ceremony and closing ceremony.
I've got to be honest, producer, Sue, I'm worried.
There must be more I can do.
Please, let me help I'm going to be a spare part in the Nordic combined so I thought while I'm over there I could pop up to North Korea.
What? They are in a terrible pickle, I've got this.
I could nip over there, bang a few heads together and fixed the whole hullabaloo.
You'll get a programme, we can call it Clare Balding's nuclear throw-down.
I fancy my chances in a chinwag with Kim Jong-un.
I mean if anyone can deal with a power obsessed maniac it's me.
I presented today at Wimbledon with John McEnroe.
I'm not sure.
I'll start with easy questions, settle him like a jittery horse.
Kim, what is the atmosphere like in your brutal regime? Talk us through the moment you associate your own half brother, fluffy stuff, then take a big Clare Balding breath and ask how proud he would be to accept a formal peace treaty.
I'll bamboozle him.
I've got this, yeah, flat white and a cappuccino for Andrew.
There you go.
Don't worry, I can put this through for Andrew, just wants to help.
You could get arrested, put in prison.
That would put a crook endings.
Would it? I could not in with the other inmates, take them rambling round the exercise yard.
You could film that, too, Clare Balding inside the gulag is.
I've got this.
Could be a 2-part special.
Four part special.
And I'll do the voice-over, I'll use my Slocum serious voice I do when GB comes in last.
-- my slow, serious voice.
I've got this, stand back everybody! If you want to solve a problem what about an issue closer to home like Brexit? Brexit? Not even boulders could deal with that sticky wicket.
There you go.
Study, study Gordon Brown has revealed in a memoir he wasn't entirely cut out to be Prime Minister.
In other news The Pope is Catholic.
Stay tuned for breaking revelations about where bears shit.
Woods, said a bad word.
Let's see if anyone upstairs is watching As I thought.
Here's your copy.
Touch of milk.
But not too much.
Not too sweet.
Not too bitter.
Bang in the centre, the way we like things here.
I'm going to decant into my Tim Farron mug.
I told you we'd get rid of them eventually, only 1998 to go.
We've not exactly been going like hot cakes.
I know, it's so unfair.
When Tory and Labour MPs job of the front bench as they become inexplicably popular.
Michael Portillo.
Everybody hated him but stick him on a train in Asprey trousers and suddenly he is cosy tea-time viewing.
Why has it not happened for Tim? Ed Balls That was strictly.
Would Tim be up for that? Is never specifically said he wouldn't wear sequins but he's hinted at it.
There is more than strictly, there are all sorts of other reality shows.
That's true, we could always ask Where is our phonebook of previous leaders? Ashdown, Campbell, cable, Clegg Tim commits Rebecca from party headquarters.
Just a thought, we'd like to apply for you to be on I'm a celebrity.
How would you feel about crawling through a tunnel of rats to get stars to get food for the camp? No? What about Bear Grylls? How would you feel about crawling through undergrowth to get food to the camp? No? OK, OK.
Love Island? You go to an island and have sex with a string of glamour stars.
Yes, sex.
Heterosexual sex.
He's hung up.
Look at him, bringing the reputation of our national game, a source of Scottish pride being destroyed by this tiny handed in Mucci headed hate monkey.
You know what's really bad, Nicola, he looks Scottish.
His flaxen hair and strange sickly complexion.
It's worse than that, we Mhairi, his mother was Scottish, a McLeod, just having one of his exist on Scottish soil is national humiliation.
Sadly golf is his game of choice, that and nonconsensual groping.
We have to find a way to put people off using his course.
Get him out of Scotland.
I call it, operation arsehole in one.
Here is our quartermaster, canny Kenny, what have you got for us? A right load of balls.
Balls? I, but not any balls.
They might look like ordinary golf balls, but the outer shell is only the thickness of a haggis skin, inside is hollow.
Filled with 6000 genetically engineered midges.
It only takes a swipe from one of these balls and the insulin crowd of beasties would devour the epidermis of every player on the fairway.
They like pale skin best, ideal for the Caledonian golfer.
Canny Kenny, it's perfect.
In one fell swoop we will crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.
Midges It's not so bad, it's only like camping in Loch Lomond.
Prue Leith has apologised for revealing who won the great British Bake Off before the final was broadcast, treating the explanation, I mean Obertan.
What kind of an excuse is that? Sorry I said that sexy picture to everyone at your work, but I'm in Bhutan.
Reducing Alexis long-term relationship edition.
Buy wine for Carol's party on Friday.
You didn't tell me about Carol's party.
That's fine, I'll cancel my plans.
Just like you've been together for ever.
Alexis, ten classical music on.
Alexis, turn classical music on.
Yes, get in! I've even listening to me? Recommend a local takeaway I don't mind, you decide.
You must have an opinion.
Whatever, you choose.
Order pizza.
Not pizza.
The Alexis long-term relationship edition.
Remember exactly why you chose to stay single in the first place.
Get out! And take your charging dock with you! You wanted to see me? Yes, I think we need to talk about how your economics degree is going.
Definite.
I'm concerned your written work is very poor.
Not good enough, is it? What have you got to say for yourself? What have I got to say to myself? The question is what have you got to say? I'm the one paying £9,000 a year and frankly I'm not getting my money 's worth.
You need to pull your socks up.
No you need to pull my socks up.
I can't pull yours up.
I'm better off if I fail, they worked it out, I'll have borrowed just over £27,000 for this degree, but they only need to pay it back if I get a well-paid job, which in my case is already looking unlikely thank God.
The worst you do in the degree the better value for money? Yeah, let's face it, this place is struggling.
What makes you say that? You let me in.
If you do badly it reflects badly on the ad I could lose funding.
Lecturers like you are incentivised to get students like me into as much debt as possible.
That can't be right can it? You're right, the whole university funding system makes no sense.
Precisely.
This is brilliant work, your grades will go through the roof.
You could do my job.
How much do you earn? 40,000 a year.
What are you doing? Repayments Have you heard the news, we Mhairi? Operation arsehole in one was a complete success, like a biblical plague according to the Gazette and they are not given to exaggeration.
Attendance is down 50% already.
Nicola have you heard the good news? I, the club is losing members faster than the SNP at a general election.
Shut it, we Mhairi.
Trump was making one of his secret visit and was caught in the swarm, we got him.
Written all over, left blotchy and red-faced.
I can't tell the difference.
Well, we tried.
Scottish golf is doomed.
Issue a press release, our national sport is now officially caber tossing.
Yes! Jeremy Hunt John are one more familiar territory with Question Time.
Good.
A bit more dignified.
That's the best bit, you can turn over now.