Traffic Light (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Long.
- Mike.
-What? It was long.
It was this much.
Why play the game if you're not going to follow the rules? Exactly.
Foot fault.
Sweet.
Game, set, burn.
Mike.
Okay, well, we'll get you next time.
Thanks, guys.
See you next week.
I hope you're not like this during the tournament, because I work with these people and it's for charity.
Charity ends at the base line, babe.
Besides, I'm already throwing a barbecue for them, you know, for the kids or whatever? Hey, isn't that Alexa? Remember Ethan's ex.
God, we haven't seen her in, like, three years.
Oh, don't look, don't look.
Put your head down.
Why are you waving? Now she's gonna come over here.
Come on, you know the drill.
Right-- "We're not friends with with our friends' exes, Lise.
Burn notice.
" It's a real thing.
I know.
Do not engage, because if you do, then they're going to come back around Right right Hey, you! Hey! Hi! You look great, Alexa.
I haven't seen you in years.
I know.
I didn't know you guys like to play tennis.
Oh, yeah, all the time.
Yeah.
We're big fans.
Especially of the rules.
Mm-hmm.
We should play.
Totally.
Call me sometime.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay.
So long.
Hey, good luck today.
Good seeing you.
"Call me sometime"? That was good.
I like that.
That was very friendly, but yet vague.
Well played, Lisa Reilly.
Unlike your net game.
Oh! Oh! Advantage Lisa.
I still can't believe you're doing this to us.
What am I supposed to do with all my stuff? Oh, please.
I already told you-- Lisa and I are getting rid of our storage unit so your crap is your problem.
What's with the belt? What do you mean? I'm an athlete.
I'm not taking any chances.
I've got to protect my lumbar.
Yeah, well you're not lifting anything either.
So, uh, I think your season's going to be safe.
Whoa! What are you doing? Man, it's all my memories! That's kind of funny.
I think you could have just as easily said "all my garbage.
" (chuckles) (squeaking) Hold on, I know that squeak.
No, really? Tell me you found that in a box.
Oh You did not bring that in here with you.
I forgot I had him.
What? You won the stuffed dog for Callie.
You haven't retired that move? It's a great move.
Man, you've been running that play since college.
It's 'cause it's a classic.
It's my pick and roll.
That's your pick and roll? Winning a stuffed animal for a girl on the pier? That's not an adult move.
Callie loved it.
I highly doubt that.
I'm gonna quote her-- "The sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, you adorable giant," is what she So suck it.
I refuse to suck it.
Besides, what is it doing in your pocket? Yeah (chuckles) See? That's hilarious.
'Cause, you know, it's you, but it's the dog.
Right.
Right, I get it.
I am so glad that we're taking this series of pictures.
You know what you should do? What? You should take CJ to work with you, put him at your desk and see if Kev notices.
That, uh That will insulate me from ridicule.
Do it.
Yeah? Do it.
Okay.
Do it.
MIKE: Wow, you really are an embarrassment.
Yeah.
He must be punished.
What? Yeah.
Spider hole! Spider hole! Not the spider hole.
We're not in college anymore.
You're right.
We're adults now.
We are no longer in college.
We have cell phones, and they come with these really cool strobe light functions.
Yes.
Yeah.
No, no Don't do that.
I can't see anything.
Ow.
(laughing) (groans) That was really funny, guys.
Traffic Light 1x02 En Fuego I can't believe that you lost CJ.
No, it's not my fault.
He was in my pocket, and then I guess I must have dropped him when the guys spider holed me.
What? Yeah, spid It's this thing where we lock each other into It's going to sound dumb if I try to explain it.
So I just Listen, I'm going to get him back for you tomorrow, I promise.
What if you can't find him? This is an omen.
Here we go.
Okay, you laugh, but on my mother's wedding day she saw a bird eating another bird's carcass and that is why her first marriage ended in divorce.
Didn't she get a divorce 'cause she had an affair? Yeah.
Because of the birds.
Look, think of it this way-- CJ has spent every night in our bed since we moved in together.
Yeah.
So has your retainer.
Okay, I get it.
I know I'm being silly, but, you know, you won that little guy for me.
It know it's cheesy, but it was very It's not cheesy.
It is not cheesy.
It's classy.
Original, also.
(panting) It got what? Incinerated.
It burned.
En fuego'd.
That's what they did with all the junk that we left behind in the storage unit.
They put it in their incinerator along with your stupid dog.
This is really bad.
Come on.
So Callie is going to be upset for, like, a couple of days.
No, no, no.
It's not that big of a deal.
You don't understand.
I mean, this is way bigger than a four-inch dog we're talking about here.
She is weirdly superstitious about this stuff.
Superstition is for the weak.
Aw, says the man who makes an offering every Sunday to Green Bay Packers Jesus.
Hey, that's different.
How is that different? Um, because it works.
Look, the bottom line here is I need to get a new CJ real fast.
I'm gonna need your help.
Wait, wait, CJ? Your dog's name is CJ? It's Callie Jr.
, except it's a boy.
That's-That's like your fourth or fifth time you've used that.
Well, yeah, that's my Listen, I don't want to hear this from you.
I'm not the only one who has a cheesy go-to move.
What about you, Mike? You always gave girls that, uh, horrible mix tape.
Hey, easy on the Mike's Mix '99.
Come on, that had the goods.
Had that Aerosmith song from that Asteroid movie.
Girls dug that.
Yeah, and what about this guy? He's always going to the museum with the thing and the Warhols and all that.
Hey, listen, I retired that move like three years ago.
It was better than some lame long-eared dog, okay? Lately I've been doing this romantic train ride thing, and the ladies love it, you know.
It's like going back in time to a land of chivalry.
the journey is the destination and the destination is Don't say it.
my pants.
Oh, God.
How very chivalrous of you, yes.
Thank you.
Yes, it is.
ADAM: Look at this, the dog plays better than you.
Yeah, I texted.
I'm not afraid to say that I texted.
And I will text again.
That kid's crazy.
(humming tune) Oh, I got to go.
Mike's doing this thing where he's out of the shower and he's nude and he's doing (laughing) Yes, exactly.
Exactly.
I don't know, he thinks it's funny.
It's totally funny.
So yeah, I gotta All right.
I'll talk to you later.
(laughing) Bye.
That is hilarious.
It is hilarious.
And-And sexy.
Who's that? Alexa.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, come on.
That's a burn notice, dude.
That is Ethan's ex.
So what? She didn't break up with me, and I miss her.
We were an awesome game night team.
We shared a charades mind.
Look, I get it.
I get it.
Ethan has dated a lot of really cool women.
I mean, I miss some of them.
Really? Like who-- who, who do you miss? Uh Like Kelly? No.
Kelly with the belly shirt Kelly? No.
Honey, it's a dumb rule.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, really? That's it.
Yeah.
We just get rid of all the rules? Just throw them out the window? How about if I just go on a killing spree this weekend? Would that be cool? Okay, you go on a killing spree, and I will be friends with Alexa.
Because those rules are exactly the same.
They are.
You're playing with fire.
You're-You're You're crazy.
Trust me.
you break the rules, Wait.
and you don't get any of this.
Where you going? No, no, no, no, no.
Do the dance.
(humming tune) I want to see the dance.
Don't deprive me of your love.
You know, I've looked everywhere.
I've checked online.
Uh, I even-- I called an ex-girlfriend to see if she still had one.
That just seems wrong, Adam.
No, it's so wrong.
You know, but I'm desperate.
Actually, it was pretty nice to catch up with her.
You know, it's been a long time.
She's teaching fourth grade now, which is so cute.
Oh, I love fourth grade teachers.
(phone ringing) Hold on a second, Mike's calling me.
I'm going to conference him in.
Hey, Mike, we're all on.
Guys, we've got a situation here.
Lisa has gone rogue.
What? What are you talking about? We have a broken arrow.
You having a stroke? Yeah, if you smell toast, pull over.
It means you're having a stroke.
No.
Lisa has violated the burn notice.
Oh The burn notice.
I'm so sorry, Ethan.
It's Alexa.
Oh.
Oh, she's cool.
Yeah, Carl loved her.
ADAM: Alexa is really cool, man.
ETHAN: I can definitely imagine her and Lisa being friends.
ADAM: Yeah, totally.
Oh, could you? Could you really? Could you also imagine a lot of really weird stuff from your past blowing up in your face?! 'Cause that is what you have coming! Come on.
All right, Mike, Mike, relax.
Burn notice made sense in college when we ate in the same cafeteria as all of our ex-girlfriends, but you know what? We're off the meal plan now.
ADAM: Precisely.
You know what, you guys don't get it.
You don't get it.
You don't get it! These rules exist for a reason.
No, there is no rule.
It's just something that you made up because my ex-girlfriend ruined our ski trip.
You broke up with her on a mountain.
Eight hours on a chair lift with a crying girl, Adam.
Eight hours! I know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Also, "burn notice" has got to be my least favorite of any phrase we've ever used.
Oh, no.
What about "brunch bros"? That one's pretty bad.
Oh, yeah.
That is terrible.
What's wrong with "brunch bros"? (grunts) (grunts) Take your shark and get out of here.
I don't want to see your face around here again.
Thanks for coming, guys.
I mean, I got this.
But it's nice to have some backup.
Look at this! Hey! The rocket back in action.
He knows me.
You're like a legend, man.
Hey.
No lady, huh? Not this time.
Didn't look like it was going to work out.
We're going strong.
I just lost the last Listen, if I win, can I choose my prize still? Yeah.
Knock the bottles down, anything you want.
Shark's very popular.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's the little dog? The, you know, the white dog with the little red bow tie? Ah Last one.
Last shipment.
To be honest, I'm not even supposed to give it away.
Apparently, it's full of some sort of weird Chinese fiberglass.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter.
All right, here we go.
Gather round and watch the rocket! This guy's amazing.
He's like a young Roger Clemens.
Or an old Roger Clemens! You getting older? You falling apart? It's good to see you again.
Boom.
What? Actually, you know, I think I hurt myself.
I hurt my shoulder in that spider hole.
Come on.
Really? Just so you know.
Somebody's got a little message for you.
(high-pitched): Please knock the bottles down for me.
I got this.
I got this.
Fine.
Uh-oh, big man tagging in, right? Come on, Mike.
Shame.
One more.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
It's British guy-- saving lives in the street, dying at the game.
Oh, embarrassment.
See, it's harder than it looks, is all I'm saying.
It's a tough game.
It's a game of skill.
CARNY: Come here.
Bring it in.
You okay? I'm a little stressed out here.
You don't seem like you're on your game.
What's happening? I got to win this for my girlfriend.
Oh, wait a minute.
This is about love? Conquering the mountain that is love? And she's These stakes-- this is the big caboose.
I know, I know.
I mean, I really care.
Stop trying to throw it from here.
Start throwing it from right here.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
I'm here for you.
Thank you.
(cheering) Thank you.
ETHAN: Finally.
Dog me.
Adam It's a foot fault.
You're over the line.
What? Foot fault? What? I'm sorry? You're well over the line.
Come on.
I have to run a business here.
There are rules.
You got to respect that.
I mean, you're clearly like two inches over the line.
Mike.
What? There's a blue floor with a red line.
It's clearly marked.
Now this is why we don't invite you to game night.
What? Exactly.
This is my fault? Unbelievable.
Hey, do you want to be my partner at a tennis tournament? Because I would love to kick the crap out of my coworker Judy.
Ugh! Judy? I hate her already.
Let's do it.
Great! One-handed backhand.
Who does that? Just me and Roger Federer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was ranked third at Tulane, so, yeah.
Really? Yeah! Oh, I'm calling Mike.
This is happening.
Uh, well, I mean yeah, I mean, sure.
I mean, if she was number three at Tulane then you gotta do that.
Ooh, very weird stance.
But you do realize that you are breaking a, you know, sacred code between me and my buddies that's been going on for a long time, and something that's very important to us.
Ooh, regrets! But if you gotta do that, you gotta do that.
Yeah, you know what? Bring her to the barbecue.
Sure, yeah.
No, why not? No, I'm gonna bring the popcorn guy, I'm gonna bring this carny back here, we're gonna bring everybody, I mean, 'cause clearly, there's no more standards.
Okay, great.
Bye.
It's on.
Good, 'cause I just thought of a name for our tennis team.
What? The Smash Sisters.
Smash Sisters I love it! (laughs) How awesome are you?! I'm sorry.
Did you not know? I'm super awesome.
(laughs) Oh, yes, laser show! Just don't take the dog.
Take the frog.
Take the shot.
I don't know.
What do you want, baby.
Baby, I want the dog.
Yeah, you know, we're gonna have the dog.
No! It's my move, yo.
Nice work.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Yeah, it was crazy easy.
Didn't even have to throw it that hard.
Just super accurate, right? Come on.
Please, you got lucky.
Baby, don't listen to them.
They're, like, a hundred years old.
Maybe combined.
No, dude, combined, you're, like, 300 years old.
Okay, well, you think that each one of us is a hundred years old? Yeah.
Let's go.
Wow, that kid is cool.
Shut up.
I want to hang out with him and buy him beers.
Hey! How much for the dog, man? This is just sad, dude.
You are a grown-ass man.
Hey, just name your price.
All right, 200 bucks.
What, are you crazy? Aw, come on! Just be reasonable here, all right? The other thing is we already spent all our money trying to get the dog, so there's gotta be something else you want.
I feel like a king.
Oh, my God, this is so hot.
Can we turn on the siren? All right, one time, Romeos.
(siren wails) (laughs) Oh, my God! It's so cool! Oh, my God, you're the best boyfriend ever.
You're the best girlfriend.
All right, focus on the road, entourage.
Sorry, sorry.
You guys throw a lot of barbecues.
Yeah, it's kind of our go-to party.
Where are the guys? I don't know.
Late, I guess, but I'm pretty sure they'd want us to start drinking without them.
Copy that.
Yes.
Cheers.
To drinking.
Ooh.
I forgot to tell you Check it! "Smash Sisters"? I love it.
It's for you.
Oh, there's Judy.
I gotta go tell her to suck it.
Judy! I was just telling Judy how excited I am to have so many people playing in the charity tournament.
It's good for the company.
And hey, more importantly, it's good for the children.
Yeah, I love the kids.
Everybody's a winner except for Judy.
(both laugh) So you know these guys from way back, huh? Oh, yeah.
But I haven't seen Mike and Lisa since Ethan and I broke up.
Oh, you might appreciate this.
I dug up some pictures from when Ethan and I were together.
Here's Lisa.
Please tell me she has the perm.
Wow, that is incredibly large hair.
Yes, yes.
I'm sorry.
Adam's with another girl.
Oh, no, , it's fine.
I'm not jealous.
What the hell is that? Oh, you mean his sideburns? Yeah, awful, right? He called that "The Van Buren.
" Yeah, I know.
That's his favorite president.
God, he's just so adorable.
Do you mind if I keep this? Yeah, sure.
Oh, we got a bogey at 2:00.
What, the swing set? Uh, I mean, 10:00.
Ah, hey.
Hey, Ethan.
I was hoping you'd be here today.
Well, here I am.
I have a bone to pick with you.
A bone to pick? I saw that coming.
You said you would give me regular updates on Carl, and I haven't seen a picture in, like, three years.
Oh, well, okay, okay, that's an easy fix.
(chuckles) All right.
I mean, I thought you meant Doesn't matter.
So here is a snap I took this morning.
There he is.
Yeah, of course, you can follow his blog online.
He's a vegan now.
You can probably tell by the sheen on his coat.
Huh, look at that.
Two mature adults interacting.
You could really learn something from it, Michael.
Oh, could I, Lisa? Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe I already have learned it.
And now I'm gonna learn it even more.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
I had to do something, really important.
And, uh also pick up this dog leash.
Oh, a leash? What's that for? Well, it's just so we won't lose this little guy again! Huh? What do you think? Aw, baby, he's so cute! y are you putting him in the blender? Wait.
Um No, no, no, no, that's Oh! No! I (intermittent blending) But, um Ah! I just want Mmm! I Ooh! What's this? Oh, God.
So y-you do this little dog thing with all your girlfriends? No, no, I don't.
What that is is, uh (mocking): Uh, no (stammering) Yeah, you and CJ can go to hell.
(turns on blender) Whoa! CJ Come on Callie.
Just open the door.
Let me in.
You can't just spider hole yourself in there all night.
I know that-that picture looks bad, but every picture has a story, and and I got a good one that's gonna make you laugh.
Yeah, is it a story about how you are a jackass? Yeah, it is.
Is that gonna fix this? Look, I don't want to talk about it.
Just leave me alone.
I'm fine in here.
There's magazines and and soda, which is weird.
Hey.
(gasps) Whoa.
Wow, um, you know, the door, you didn't lock it.
When you're locking yourself in, you might want to, uh Yeah, thanks.
I have to say it.
It's really nice to see you after all this time.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Yeah, it's nice to get to the point where you can just leave everything behind you.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's been three years, so whatever happened is, you know, water under the brid.
Oh, totally water.
Yeah.
So, friends? Friends.
Friends.
Friends.
Yeah, friends.
Friends.
(chuckles) Friends.
Friends.
Just friends.
Just.
Come on.
It was just a stupid dog.
Yeah, it was.
It was totally stupid and sappy.
But I usually don't go for that sort of thing, but I did this time because it was you and I thought that it was special between us.
And then I found out you're just you're just stupid with everyone.
I can't believe there was another CJ.
TJ, actually.
Uh, the girl in that picture was named Tammy.
Oh, well, that's good to know.
Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, there was also a AJ and an SJ, and yes, there was a CJ 'cause I dated a girl named Catherine briefly.
Okay, little tip-- you're trying to make me feel better? Stop mentioning other ladies.
That's smart.
Yeah.
Look here's the thing.
I'm a logical romantic, but I am a romantic, you know? If I find something that works, I tend to do it again.
You know, and I really liked you and I wanted to impress you, so I just used my best move.
Yeah, okay, keep going.
And none of those other stupid dogs made it into bed, because until now I never found somebody that I wanted to live with.
Gosh, you're hard to stay mad at.
Come here, you adorable giant.
Mmm! Well, I guess we can both be glad that I didn't date a girl named "Brooke.
" Why? Oh, yeah.
Or, um, or "Heather.
" "HJ" Does anybody say that anymore? My ex-boyfriend.
Ow.
You know, 90 minutes ago I had no idea what tapenade is, and I gotta say, kinda on board.
Yay.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Hey! I just wanted to thank you so much for having me.
Oh, did you have fun? Yeah, actually.
Uh, Ethan and I are gonna give it another shot.
Ha! Yeah, we're going away for the weekend.
He's got this romantic idea to take me on a train ride.
Oh, a train ride Wait a minute.
This weekend? No, that's the tournament.
You can't bail on that.
Oh, sorry.
But I need you.
I already told Judy to suck it.
Yeah uh No.
But I really feel like Ethan and I have a shot, so you understand, right? Oh, yeah, she understands.
She totally understands.
Okay, well, thanks, guys.
All right, good luck! Okay, just say it.
No.
Just say it, Mike.
(loud crunch) No.
Okay, just say it, all right? You know you want to say it, so just say it.
I got nothing to say right now except (sighs) it was a lovely evening.
You are It was.
so Mike.
Not yet.
(sighs) (alarm beeping) I told you! Oh, God.
God! See ya at breakfast, kid.
Gonna be a great day.
MIKE: Foot fault! Mike Do you want Judy to win? Foot fault! Smash Sisters.