Truth Be Told (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [chuckles.]
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, is it a party or is it a game night? If it's a game night, you have to say so in advance, so we don't go.
And a puzzle is not a game.
It's a silent chore.
Something tells me they're never gonna finish.
I took all the corner pieces.
[both laughing.]
Um, hey, you know that girl Katie? - Did you think she was hot? - No.
You said no? - He said no.
- Rookie marriage mistake.
Rookie marriage mistake.
Basically what you're saying is, "Hi, wife, we made some vows "in front of our friends and God, but what I'd love to do now is lie to your face.
" I'll advised.
- Mm.
- Our jury has spoken.
- So was she hot? - Just her face and body.
See? Even she thinks so.
What was I supposed to do, say yes? How would that go? Hey, you know that girl Katie? Did you think she was hot? Both: Ahh! In that version, I steered into oncoming traffic.
You know, you're not completely blameless here.
Not completely blame - Wait, who, me? - Yeah who you.
Why ask the question if you don't want the answer? All I'm saying is, I've learned that there are certain questions you just don't ask.
But if she does happen to ask? Allow an experienced married couple to teach you how to navigate.
Allow us to be your marital GPS, if you will.
This is gonna be worse than making that puzzle.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know that girl Katie? - Did you think she was hot? - Pfft.
With that amount of plastic surgery anyone can be hot.
Don't look now I said don't look now 'Cause here we are Living the best days of our lives [knocking on door.]
- Whoa, look at you.
- Hey.
You actually know what you're doing in there, or what? Of course I do.
I'm just trying to get my hands around this ball cock.
[straining.]
I'm an adult.
Not gonna swing at the low-hanging fruit.
But, on a related note, guess what I got for us on Saturday night? A VIP invite to the Adult Film Awards.
Are you serious? The Oscars of porn? The only awards show where the trophies take batteries.
[laughter.]
I think one of the categories is best ball cock.
- Damn it, I swung at it.
- Yeah, you did.
Why'd they invite you? Are you one of the five people that's still paying for porn? Irrelevant.
I got it because my Twitter is blowing up.
They sent invites to a bunch of comedians so we'll go and tweet about it.
It's part of porn's attempt to go mainstream.
Silly porn.
You'll never be real movies.
I got four passes.
You, me, Jim, Hudson, we'll make a night of it.
Yeah, that's sweet.
Maybe we should all wear vests.
Kidding, unless you think we should.
What are those two idiots doing up there? Oh, Mitch is fixing the toilet.
Oh, I didn't know Mitch was handy.
He is not.
But here's another marriage hack for you.
Let him fix it, and then call a plumber to actually fix it when he's not around.
I get a working toilet.
Mitch gets a working ego.
Win-win.
So, marital GPS, what's our cover with the wives? Batting cages? Go-cart racing? Laser tag? First off, we should do all those things, maybe in vests.
Second, never lie! Have you learned nothing from, "Do you think Katie's hot?" Let's just talk to our wives.
See what they say.
You know, tell the truth.
- Seems risky.
- Just watch.
Whoa, now? GPS, reroute! Reroute! Guess who fixed the toilet? My handy hero.
Well, first responders are the real heroes.
- Thanks so much, honey.
- Hey, just something to run by you.
Ease into it.
Russell got tickets to the porn awards on Saturday.
- I specifically said, "Ease.
" - And why do you want to go to that? It's it's not so much that I want to go.
They want me there tweeting to promote it.
It's a huge opportunity.
Babe, your man is taking off.
My star is rising, and nothing can stop me.
So I told them maybe.
Soft soft maybe.
Do people really care enough about Twitter for you to do this? Yes, babe, not everyone still has that little egg as their profile picture.
I like the egg.
Anyway, we just wanted to run this past you before we commit.
Isn't this that thing that's like, the ridiculous variety show with a bunch of half-naked "performers," trying to give heartfelt speeches about having sex? - Well, it's more prestigious - That's the one.
Sounds hilarious.
Have a good time.
Both: Really? Yeah.
Who wouldn't want to go to that freak show? Uh, Trace, uh, there's a thing in the kitchen.
Could you some see the thing? What are you doing? You expect me to send my husband into a den of professional sex people? Look, he says it's for his career.
Don't you trust him? Oh, I trust him.
It's just that he freaked out when he met our local weatherman, and I don't think he's ever pleasured himself to the five-day forecast.
Great job, marital GPS.
You're about to steer us into a four car pileup.
Relax.
We're taking surface streets, but we'll get there.
Bottom line, a marriage means nothing without trust.
It doesn't matter what those other women do because we trust our men, right? Yeah, you're right.
I'm probably over thinking it.
And besides, it's the porn stars' night off.
The last thing they're gonna want to do is work.
Sweetie, I think it's great that you have a big enough following that they want your tweets.
- You should go.
- Are you serious? Act like you've been here before.
Just don't bring anything home but Twitter followers, and lube samples.
- Oh.
- What? I like free stuff.
You have arrived at your destination with lube.
- Ladies' night! - Okay! I got wine.
I got cheese.
Sadie's at the Goldman's.
How we gonna get wild? [gasps.]
We should make soap.
We're never gonna do the soap making thing.
Stop pushing it.
That's what you said about the seashell picture frame, and yet, that happened.
That only happened because I was drunk.
Cheers.
We do have all night.
The guys have dinner, the award show, and who knows how long the after party's gonna go.
- After party? - Yeah.
Says right there on the invite.
Huh.
Mitch didn't mention that.
Well, it doesn't matter though, because we trust.
That's right.
Look at you.
And not only do I trust, I support.
You know, I finally started following Russell on Twitter.
I followed him, my pastor, and Michelle Obama for about five minutes, but it was all nutritional foolishness.
Are you really supporting Russell, or did you just figure out that you can stalk him all night if you follow him on Twitter? Whose side are you on? I can't believe this.
I thought you said no vests.
No, no, I laughed at you for wearing a vest, - so that I could wear a vest.
- Check it out.
I helped my son tie the knot, but he pulled out the tooth all by himself.
Aww, what a pint-size warrior.
Hey, Russell, look at this.
Never met your kid.
Not gonna care about it.
You know, when Sadie lost her first tooth No! No no more kid talk.
- This is a guy's night.
- Yes.
- We're going to eat steaks.
- Mm.
We're going to meet porn stars.
Hello.
And the only tiny humans I want to hear about - are the ones in the fetish category.
- [all laughing.]
Hey, guys, do not ruin this.
I need this.
Last time Leanne let me out after dark it was for a midnight run to Target.
We just needed kitty litter, but for 17 minutes I was free.
But hey, man of the hour is Mitch.
Once Leanne found out you were coming, she felt a lot better about this whole outing.
- Brianna too.
- What? Why? Because you make things that our wives find wrong or sketchy seem totally fine.
Yeah, oh, by the way, if Leanne asks, we are at a Lakers game.
Even with Mitch here, she would not have signed off on the Adult Film Awards.
Guys, I am just so unhappy.
Stop checking Russell's Twitter feed.
Let's get back to our game.
Ur turn.
Truth or dare? No, because every time I say dare, you dare me to make soap.
[phone whistles.]
What the hell? Some girl just tweeted Russell her boobs! - What? Let me see.
- She's holding two Laugh Factory tickets over the bull's-eyes, and check out the message.
"Loved your set on Thursday.
Here's my set.
" #WordPlay? - [laughing.]
- Why you laughing? I love wordplay.
Ang, these are fan boobs, okay? When Russell gets up on stage at night, it's like he's everyone's date.
That's his job.
But it doesn't matter, because he comes home to you and your amazing, homemade soap.
You're right.
Makes sense.
I'm cool.
[phone whistles.]
Oh, no, you did not tweet again, Tits McGee! "Would love a pic of you.
Xoxo"? This heifer's getting aggressive.
I'm calling Russell.
Ok, no, come on, look, don't be that wife.
We can't control what other women do.
Besides, don't you believe in Russell? Yeah, yeah, he's the best.
I found my soul mate.
Marriage is incredible.
All right, seriously, it's not like Russell replied to this "rando.
" He probably doesn't even know that these boobs exist.
Check out these boobs.
Ooh! Oh, those did not breastfeed.
Okay, Mitch, see, this is why you're the safe one.
'Cause you're the guy that sees boobs and thinks, "Milk.
" Whose are those? Just some fan.
I probably get a tweet like this every couple weeks.
Oh, you are so lucky.
I prefer the boobs I have at home.
- Ooh, you got a pic of those? - Okay, Jim, I've struck you before.
I will strike you again He did hit me.
What does Angie say about all this? She's never on Twitter.
No, Russell, you have to tell Angie.
If you don't come clean, those boobs could blow up in your face.
That's not a bad way to go.
That skank tweeted again! Ang, for the last time "Thanks for the hot pic," winky face? No, that means he Yes, Russell sent her a pic.
He must've direct messaged her privately.
But you don't think Russell would actually cheat? No, but we both didn't think Russell would actually reply.
Listen, when I first met Russell, he was doing comedy sets on the patio of Omar's Falafel Pit.
- Great hummus.
- But now he's starting to get big.
He's blowing up on Twitter.
In a year, he could be doing a gig in Portland, and some girl with glasses she doesn't need knocks on his hotel room door, with her own maple-flavored, small batch ice cream, and a pair of these.
Yeah, I trust him, but how much can he take? Wow, you really painted a picture there.
I mean, for God's sake, women throw themselves at Marc Maron.
[sighs.]
You say, "Trust your man.
" And I want to, but the fact is, we don't know what they're doing when they're out of our sight.
I don't know, Ang, I like to think we know our husbands pretty well.
[chuckles.]
You don't even know what you don't know.
Even Mitch, the ethics professor, failed to mention this little after party.
I'm just saying.
And now, our husbands are hanging out with porn stars.
And not just any porn stars, potentially award-winning porn stars.
[scoffs.]
Your fault.
Somebody quiz me on the Lakers game.
I got to have details for Leanne.
Wait, did I say Lakers or Kings? I might have gone Kings.
Oh, Jim, Jimmy, James.
I don't want to lecture you on marriage.
- Yes, you do.
- Yeah, I kinda do.
Look at you, stressing out.
You know, situations like this can be avoided with a little thing that I like to call honesty.
See, my wife knows exactly what I'm doing tonight.
She expects me to come home with a porn star selfie, and I can even get a little tipsy, which is why I just ordered us another round.
Boom.
Did I just blow your minds? [phone ringing.]
Oh, one second, gentleman.
That's my wife.
Probably wondering why the selfies aren't pouring in.
Go for Mitch.
- What's going on, babe? - I don't know.
What is going on? I'd have no way of knowing, would I? What? How come you didn't tell me about this after party? Well, where did you think we were gonna be taking those selfies? I mean, it's all part of the same night, right? I guess, but remind me again why you wanted to go to this thing.
Uh, because someone I love said "Don't miss the freak show.
" Okay.
All right, I mean Babe, it sounds like you're uncomfortable with this, and if you don't want me to go, then I won't go.
- Whoa! What? - Excuse me? - Mother - No, you know what? I won't go.
I love you.
Well, I don't love you.
I was very clear.
- I need this! - He needs it.
Relax, we're going.
But didn't he And then 'cause Congratulations, you broke Jim.
Mitch, you're the only reason we can go in the first place.
You're the safety seal that lets our wives know that their Tylenol has not been tampered with.
- You the seal! The seal! - Gentlemen, relax.
Did I tell her I wouldn't go? Yes.
Did I mean it? Sure.
Will I go if she doesn't call back? I will not.
Will you get to the point? Not likely.
I know my wife.
She'll call back.
She just needed to hear me say I wouldn't go, so she could call back and give me permission to go.
So we are going to go.
All those words are dumb.
Look, I know you're gonna say I shouldn't, but I'm just gonna quickly log on to Russell's Twitter account, and see the picture he sent this woman.
I support that.
You do? Yeah, little confession, I just called Mitch.
You did? But you said, "Don't be that wife.
" What happened to the "trust your man," lady? I was wrong about almost everything tonight.
Look, you were right.
I don't know what I don't know.
But I'll tell you what I do know.
- We're logging on? - Wait, we don't know his password.
Well, I do.
It's just his three favorite things.
Tupac, Adidas, chicken fingers.
Meal's almost over and still no call.
Relax, I know what I'm doing, and dessert's here.
See? What you're doing is stalling.
You think you can distract us with this bull All: Ooh! Oh! - You know what? I can't do this.
- What? It it's not right.
I, Angie, cannot look at this message.
Wow, you're better than me.
I mean, we always suspected it, but now we know.
Listen to me.
I, Angie, can't look at this message.
But you, Tracy Oh, 'cause I'm much worse.
Yeah.
So far, all we've had tonight is a delicious meal with our friends.
Sucks! - She'll call.
- I hope she calls, because Carl is gonna be arriving in his Nissan Cube in five minutes.
Cancel the Uber, we're screwed.
Do not cancel that Uber.
She'll call.
She's definitely gonna call.
Text her to call! Whatever happens, I, Tracy, am here for you.
Thank you.
Let's see this photo.
Aww! That's so sweet.
See? I knew we should've just trusted our husbands.
I can't believe you looked.
GPS: In two miles, turn left onto West Pico Boulevard.
We're in the Uber, Mitch, and yet, no call.
- [phone rigging.]
- Oh, gentlemen, guess who's calling? Hello? Hey, it's Russell.
- Just making sure you had a signal.
- Just say it Mitch, she ain't gonna call.
We're not going.
My life is over.
- [phone ringing.]
- Hi, sweetie.
You're at the Lakers game.
Or the Kings.
You're at the Staples Center.
Are you sure? Okay, all right, yeah.
I love you.
That was Tracy.
Oh, how's she doing? How's Sadie? What did she say? We got the green light.
[all cheering.]
That is how you navigate a marriage, fellas.
One day you will get there, but until then, happy to be your GPS.
You are the man, Mitch.
I never doubted you.
- I love you more than my brother.
- I mean, it wasn't so much navigating as it was lying, but, hell, - you get the job done.
- What? I didn't lie.
- Oh, to be clear, we don't mind you lying.
- Yeah, it's cool.
Just a little surprising coming from the guy who repeatedly says he doesn't lie.
Apparently, also a lie.
In the restaurant, you told your lady we weren't gonna go.
You hung up, then we went.
- All: Lie.
- I wasn't lying, because I knew she would call back.
- Sounds like lying.
- Eyes on the road, Carl.
Look, you guys may not see it that way, but that's not how Tracy and I see it, so that's all that matters.
Is it me, or does it seem like Mitch and Tracy are going through a rough patch? I'll prove it.
I'm calling Tracy.
- No, no, no, we're convinced.
- You're not a liar.
What you're about to do, don't do that.
Hi, hon, yeah, the guys and I were disagreeing about something.
I just wanted to get your input.
Grab the phone and throw it out the window! Carl, steer this Cube into oncoming traffic.
And I was sure that you would call back, because that's how well I know you, so I told the guys, "Let's not change the plans.
" In 0.
4 miles, your destination will be on the right.
Yeah, yeah, we're almost there.
Because I knew you would call back, and I was right.
We know each other.
Ta-da! Hello? Trace? She hung up on me.
Or maybe it was just a bad signal.
- [phone ringing.]
- Oh, there she is.
Babe? Nope, was trying to make sure you had a good signal.
You do.
In all the years of us knowing each other, she has never hung up on me.
Guys, are we going or not? I just need to know if this is gonna be the best night of my life, or the last night of my life.
I'm kidding.
- But we're going, right? - Oh, we're going.
You heard him, Carl.
Push this Cube to the limit! No, no, no, hold up, hold up.
Carl, make a u-turn.
- What? What are you doing? - No, no, no! Jimmy, I can't take this! We're going to Mitch's place.
Why have you aligned yourself with the stupid white man? Sorry to bring race into this.
- It's just you get caught up.
- Yeah, yeah.
Russell, you don't have to Look, Mitch, Mitch, ever since I've known you, you've always given me relationship advice, and I needed it, because when I was single I messed up a lot.
But the one thing I learned is that when your girl is mad at you, you go fix it now.
Because if you go out and have fun, and then ask for forgiveness later, you get your clothes set on fire.
How could you hang up on me? How could you lie to me? I didn't lie! How is nobody getting this? Let's recap.
You say you're not going to the porn awards, but when I call back to say it's cool, you're basically already there.
Yes, because I know you so well that Oh, shut up.
We've been giving advice to our best friends all week like we're some kind of perfect married couple, and then you go and pull this.
I got to tell you something, I would never lie to you.
I have too much respect for you.
Too much respect for us.
Hey, Trace, I got the ball cock working.
Is this gonna be cash like last time? Is that the plumber or just some guy you're having sex with? Which answer will make you less upset? [whispering.]
Plumber.
Can you see inside the house? What's going on? Man, I don't know.
Carl's stupid windows are tinted.
Well, excuse me for providing you with privacy and UV protection.
Oh! Hey, guys, nice Uber.
She gets it.
Hey, babe.
Hey, I saw you out here and I just wanted to come tell you to have a good time, and I love you.
Is this you or the wine talking? Yes.
You're the best.
I get boobs! What? I mean, not like I understand boobs, I mean, I do understand boobs, but I get them.
I mean, I receive breasts.
Fans who are female sometimes tweet me pictures of their breasts, and I just wanted to let you know.
Well, that seems like a work thing, right? Right, exactly.
Ang, any woman could make my night.
I found the woman that makes my life.
Aww! Oh, I'm so jealous of what they have.
Well, have fun, guys.
But when you get home, I'd like to do some stuff with you.
Uh, guys? - Yep.
- Course.
- See you tomorrow.
- All right! Okay, I lied.
I'm willing to admit that.
But you have to admit that there is something special about the fact that I know you so well, and you know me so well, or else you wouldn't have hired that plumber, and I get it.
I am fine with it.
Is he here a lot? [car horn honking.]
How do you really feel about this porn thing? Honestly? Slide over, gentlemen.
All: Yeah! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Hi, guys.
I was chanting, "Corn!" Russell texted me.
Apparently he and Angie are making their own movie.
So Tracy's gonna take his spot.
So she's going to the, uh Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! All: Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! This is the greatest night of my life!