Tuca & Bertie (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
The Promotion
1 [theme music plays.]
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[Bertie.]
I've been a data processor at Conde Nest for three years.
I'm a really important cog in the machine, but sometimes I wonder, what would it be like to be a bigger cog? I'm ready to break out and step the shit up! I want a promotion! Uh, I meant, what do you want for breakfast? Eh! Sorry.
[Tuca.]
We've got cereal, or eggs, or fish, or cake.
Why choose? Uh ugh! This position just opened up at work, and the job is perfect for me! -Ooh, what position is it? -Senior operations analyst.
It's using statistics to optimize marketing decisions for long-term growth.
[glass shattering.]
-Oh, wow! -That sounds great.
You gonna ask your boss about it today? Well, I'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified.
So, you're just gonna hope your boss remembers you exist, reads your mind, and gives you what you want? That's been my life approach so far, and it's worked never times.
You should just ask, Bertie.
Asking for what I want is not my style.
But it's okay.
I have a plan.
[Bertie.]
First, I'll dress to impress.
You don't own that, but it looks sharp.
Then I'll establish a rapport with my boss by nailing some small talk.
[phones ring.]
Work is great, but wouldn't you rather spend the day at the beach? -Aha.
Everyone loves the beach.
-I work as hard as I "beach"! -[both laugh.]
-Good one! Then I'll demonstrate my leadership skills by speaking up in a meeting.
Blah, blah, I'm Bertie's dumb, annoying coworker, Dirk.
I wear too much cologne, I pronounce it "ex-specially," and I usually talk over you, but I just realized I'm a stupid asshole.
[blows raspberry.]
Now I'm gonna go fuck myself! Thanks, Dirk.
I've done the market research.
Ka-pow! If we double down, ba-ba-boom, on media ad sales, we can improve our revenue by 25 percent.
Confidence! [cheering.]
Bertie, will you be our new senior operations analyst? Who? Me? -Please, Bertie! Please! -Okay.
Hooray for Bertie! Here's your maple-walnut latte, Ms.
Bertie.
-Yum! -Here's the latest analytics, Ms.
Bertie.
-Ooh! -Good morning, Ms.
B! I'm starved.
Could you feed me some fresh files? -Uh okay.
-Yum-yummy! Feed me more files! My hunger restores as I am fed, and I will never be sated! This is my curse! Uh -Bertie! -Uh, today will go great! Text me when you get the good news, okay? And tonight, maybe we can do some celebrating with my big di-nner idea.
-Two different kinds of oven fries! -Ooh! Hey, what if I come help you get the promotion? [laughs.]
That would be so fun, Tuca, but I should probably handle it myself.
Aw, okay.
But now I'm all pumped to work my Tuca magic and be useful to the world.
Oh, well, why don't you check your ChoreGoose app and do some gigs? Great idea! I can go above and beyond for some randos while making that money.
Aw, yeah, I'm about to bang out a ton of these gigs today! Strangers, you're about to get Tuca'd! [Bertie mumbles.]
Boss, boss, where is the boss? -[air horn blows.]
-Ah! Hi, Claudette.
You startled me by being.
-[groans.]
-[shudders.]
All right, switch on the charm.
Operation Small Talk with the Boss has begun.
-Hey, Holland! -Oh, good morning, Bertie.
That was some nice weather we had over the weekend, eh? Uh, just makes you wanna go to the beach.
Did you go to the beach? Oh, no.
I mean, I thought about it, but it's a long drive and I'm afraid of crabs.
[crows.]
You guys talking about the beach? You gonna catch some waves out there, Holland-dawg? [laughs.]
You know it, Dirk! -All right! -[laughs.]
Boo-yah! Water sports! Ba-bow! [laughs.]
Yeah, sometimes I have nightmares about that part of the ocean where the water gets super dark because it's so deep.
[chuckles.]
Like, what if there's a giant monster crab down there, waiting to pinch my butt? I work as hard as I beach! [groans.]
Never mind! -Did you see the sport this weekend? -Indeed, I did.
Good sport.
[knuckles crack loudly.]
[goose honks.]
[knocking on door.]
Hey, upstairs neighbor.
I'm here to be your ChoreGoose.
Ah, excellent.
Can you take dictation for me, my dear? Yes, sir! "Dear editor of the Bird Town Gazette, foreseeing increased mobility issues, the black tar potholes on Beak Street have become untenable!" [driver screams.]
[sniffs.]
-Did you get that? -Mm-hmm.
"As the owner of a vintage touring bicycle, I am endangered and frankly disturbed by the flippancy of our municipal pavers!" Got it! "As famed urbanist Elebert Whitscythe once said, 'Roads are but the lymphatic system of the city,' so I urge you to repair Bird Town's concrete crevices posthaste! Signed, Dapper T.
Dog, Fervent Citizen Velocipede.
" Okay, read it back to me.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
"Dear newspaper, potholes suck.
Go jerk off in a lake.
Sincerely, Dapper T.
Dog, City Velociraptor.
" [roars.]
What?! What sort of chicanery is afoot? This is good to go.
Mm-hmm.
Surely, this is in jest.
[chuckles.]
Fresh mail, coming in hot! Hyah! -Gotcha! -No! Fraudulence! Those weren't my impeccably composed words! I thought my version was more to the point.
My best friend, Bertie, always likes my editorializing.
-Get out at once! -Yeesh.
Okay.
-[sobs.]
-Now, where's my next gig at? -[indistinct chatter.]
-[Bertie.]
Hmm -Hey, what you got there? -Oh, just some ideas.
I was thinking we should be marketing to eagles because-- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I've definitely got some cool ideas, too, in terms of my own ideas, yeah.
[surf rock guitar riff plays.]
Good morning, all.
Let's get the ball rolling on our marketing strategy for the next month.
-Anybody want to start us off? -Yeah, I've got something here.
I think if you look at the data from this last quarter, it shows that-- And I'd like to piggyback on what Bertie is saying and add that our audience is expanding, ex-specially in the southeast.
Um, yes, that is true.
-And those areas are-- -Dense with eagles! And we could, you know, I don't know, target some ads.
I'm thinking, uh, trophy hunting, being on coins, hair plugs for the bald ones.
-[murmurs of assent.]
-Hmm 'Cause, uh, eagles love all that shit.
[laughs.]
They are quite extreme.
Excellent, Dirk.
Bertie, did you have anything to add? -Uh, no.
I think Dirk covered it.
-Yup.
[screams.]
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet! -Hi, could you keep it down? -Yeah, could you not? -Meow! -Meow! Sorry.
Cloaca! [echos.]
Ooh.
-[sighs.]
-[door opens.]
[woman.]
What's the difference between regular broth and bone broth? One has extra bones? -[woman.]
Duffy, I'm so glad you called.
-[door opens, closes.]
The best bone farm has been growing bones -[sighs.]
-for 200 years.
[woman chuckles.]
Of course it's haunted, come on! [dialing, line rings.]
Bertie, talk to me.
Tuca, this rooster guy I work with is ruining my life today! Kinda busy with a customer right now, but text me his photo, and I'll plot his murder the moment I'm free.
-Ah! What are you doing? -Just trimming a bush.
-[Tuca squeals.]
-What's going on over there? I'm out here helping people! Gotta go! [pants.]
[woman.]
I'm telling you, Duffy, the bones just suck up cellulite! Maybe some women are body positive, but hmm-mmm-mmm, not me! [groans.]
I'll just go ask him.
Yeah.
Be assertive.
[Holland hums.]
Hmm, he looks pretty busy.
Wouldn't wanna interrupt.
-Mm-hmm? -Eek! [pants.]
'Sup, Bertie? Thanks for earlier.
-You were so helpful in that meeting.
-Oh, no problem.
Hey, why the bleak beak? Oh, nothing.
I just need to buck up and ask Holland for something.
Oh, yeah? Is that why you wore that tight sweater today? What? I'm sure Holland will give you whatever you ask for.
[chuckles.]
No! Absolutely no! I will not with this shit.
I am finished.
-I'm finished! -Gross! I am done with today! I need a drink! Hey, you can't spell "drink" without "Dirk" and some other letters.
-Wait! -Right one staying put and lookin' nice.
Oh, no, you don't! [goose honks.]
-Voilà ! -Ooh.
You asked for a basic dresser, and that's what I built.
-Oh, wonderful! -Yup.
Followed the instructions and everything, then I kicked things up a notch.
-This is the meat drawer.
-Oh? -And cheese drawer.
-Um Now, you'll wanna swap these ice packs out twice a day for fresh ones or all your clothes are really gonna stink.
Oh, my! This isn't what I wanted at all! Aw.
My best friend, Bertie, loves it when I fill drawers with ham.
Ew.
Me and Bertie are always doing fun stuff.
Last week, her boyfriend ate his own grandma.
[exclaims.]
[grunts.]
Where the Havarti at? Got it! -Hey, you're the HR person, right? -[camera shutter clicks.]
Yup! What's with the hole? That's actually what I came here to talk to you-- [chuckles.]
You should cover that.
It's not appropriate work attire.
Uh, a coworker made a super gross comment about my body.
Eesh.
Who did that? Um it was Dirk.
Oh, he's cute.
Lucky you.
[grunts.]
Well, he probably meant it as a compliment.
Best to not spread this around.
It could make our company look bad, so Could you maybe talk to him about proper office behavior? [chuckles.]
That sounds like an awkward convo! Isn't that your job? Shh! Here's a pamphlet.
-Oh, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
So, where did all the cold cuts come from? I don't know where meat comes from.
What am I, a food professor? -There she is! -Yo! Hey.
What's up, guys? Tuca, how were your gigs? I did good, maybe too good.
You know how sometimes I'm too helpful? Yup.
Whoa, what happened to your chest? -Um -Did you trade a titty for a promotion? You are a ruthless negotiator! Ugh.
It's dumb.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I think your boob hole looks really cool.
Thanks.
-What's up with the promotion, though? -Oh, yeah! Well, everything's [cheerful music plays.]
[cheerful music plays.]
great! I totally asked for the promotion, and, uh -we're working on it! -Woo-woo! Time to celebrate with oven fries! [triumphant fanfare plays.]
-I burned the curly ones.
-Oh, great! Yeah.
I'm gonna go eat these in bed.
Bed fries.
-Is everything okay? -Oh, yeah.
[forced chuckle.]
Just working hard.
Okay, go relax.
I'll come to bed in a little bit.
Don't make yourself a new boyfriend out of fries.
A boy-fry'nd! -[bass music plays.]
-[studio audience applauds.]
Hey, Speckle, can I use your laptop? Don't you have a computer in your apartment? Am I in my apartment? Okay.
But don't stay up all night watching car crash videos.
-Fine.
-And don't wipe the browser history after staying up all night watching car crash videos.
Fine! -[tires screech.]
-Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! [laughs.]
[Tuca laughs.]
Woof! What a day! Oh, hey.
There you are! Yeah, the prodigal bosom returneth! I feel bad for splitting, but, boy, did I need a drink.
There, there, little Ber-titty.
Tell your Auntie Tookles all about it.
Bertie's boss barely notices we exist, I swear.
Aw, man! And that nasty rooster sexually harassed us today! So humiliating! Oh, no! Plus, the bathroom stinks, and there's a lady on her phone in there all day, so we can't poop! -Oh, hell no.
Bertie needs my help.
-[glass shatters.]
Yeah, she could really use some support.
[chuckles.]
Bra joke! -[audience cheers and applauds.]
-[burps.]
[Tuca.]
Mm-hmm -Ah-ha! -[chuckles.]
Hey! This is gonna be better than the time I popped out at the water park.
-Ah, yeah.
-[water splashes.]
-[Bertie's Boob.]
Wa-pow! Look at me now! -[crowd gasps.]
-[woman.]
Put that away! -[kid cries.]
-[woman.]
There are children here! -[man.]
Oh, Timmy, no! -[man.]
Look away, sweetie! Look away! -[woman.]
Oh, no! -[scream echoes.]
-Ah, sweet, sweet freedom.
[groans.]
So hung over.
[groans.]
-[horns blow.]
-Surprise! Your work sucks, and I'm here to make it better.
-What? -Check your desk.
Oh, Tuca And that's not all.
-I'm the new office temp! -[fanfare.]
-[laughs.]
-Your booby gave me the rundown.
-[burps.]
-And we're gonna fix this dump.
-Now, first order of business.
-Whoa! [woman.]
So, Duffy tells me I have something caught on my beak, and it's my beak brightening strip.
I forgot to remove it when I left for lunch! Chantelle, I swear, it was hilarious.
Come on! Yo, red velvet pumps, your time is up.
[woman.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
-Does this look like a phone booth to you? -I was just-- The middle stall? Seriously? That's a buffer stall.
No one's ever supposed to go in there.
Everyone knows that.
You need to go back to toilet school.
Wait a minute.
Do you even work on this floor? I don't even work in this building.
Me neither.
-Out! -[clucks, screams.]
-[door opens, closes.]
-Wee! -Templates, come! -[whistle trills.]
-Make this restroom more inviting.
-Uh, who are these? Oh, they're just two other temp workers I found around the office.
I call them templates! Templates -Why are you in charge of them? -Two words, Bertie: confidence.
Was one of the words "Bertie"? Oh, never mind.
I gotta run to a meeting in a minute.
[laughs.]
Perfect.
-Time for the next part of my plan.
-Ooh! All right, everyone, now that we've gotten some housekeeping out of the way, let's talk marketing strategy.
Dirk, why don't you get us started? Okay, well, I looked over more of my data, and I, um [chomping loudly.]
[clanging noise.]
[clears throat.]
I just wanna reiterate that stuff I was saying yesterday about eagles.
And the things that they like to do.
Okay.
Anything new today? Maybe we could advertise to, like, hawks, too? Ka-kaaaw! That's the alarm that sounds when no women have spoken out loud for three minutes.
-[Holland laughs.]
-[others laugh.]
I believe my buddy Bertie had something to contribute.
-Go ahead, B.
-Uh Well, based on my research, we could target more ads towards quacks, screamers, and loons.
And I'm not talking about Tuca here.
[laughter.]
I'm talking about waterfowl.
[coworkers murmur in agreement.]
That was amazing! Rudeness saves the day yet again.
-Excuse me, what was your name? -Tuca.
I'm a temp.
You seem like a real go-getter, an innovator, a maverick! A cowgirl, a snowblower, a popsicle stick.
Oh, sorry.
I thought we were just listing stuff.
Charming.
I'd love to hear some of your ideas.
Maybe I could pick your brain later.
Okay, but it's just a pile of peanuts up there.
[laughs.]
Wow, my boss really likes you.
Yeah.
All I did was make a loud noise.
Ka-kaw! [laughs.]
Kaw! I'm gonna eat chips for lunch.
Spicy chips.
Spicy chips Mm, spicy chips Ooh, they make me gassy But I love spicy chips -Are you eating chips for lunch again? -No.
-[Tuca.]
Come and get your lunch orders.
-Huh? Side of meatballs.
Great choice, Sarah.
Breakfast burrito.
Pretty wild for a Tuesday, Cindy.
Vegetarian surprise.
Here you go, champ.
There's meat in it.
Surprise! Lunch is fun now! -Here you go, Big H.
-Killing it, Tuca.
You're really great at this.
Yeah, I figured I should do at least one of the tasks the office manager asked me to do.
I got you, Claudette! -I got you, girl! -[people gasp.]
[chuckles.]
Claudette never smiles! Tuca, could you come and chat in my office for a moment? I'd like to get your input on some things.
-[gulps.]
-Okay.
Templates! Templates [fanfare plays.]
-Do you have a pool? -Yes.
Why? Can I throw a party at your house next weekend? -[laughs.]
-Uh Tuca? [groans.]
[laughs.]
Now, let me know if you wanna jazz things up in there.
I can build you a desk with a salami dispenser.
That's not a euphemism.
[laughs.]
Oh, Tuca! Hey, where's Bertie at? Bertie? Bertie! Bertie! [Bertie wails.]
Bertie! [Bertie.]
Your templates made it really nice in here.
-[sniffles and sobs.]
-What's wrong, friend? Well, I I thought I wasn't getting ahead because of sexism, but you've only been here one day, and you're doing amazing! I know.
It's crazy.
Your boss wants to give me the promotion you want.
[Bertie wails.]
No! So [sniffles.]
The only reason I haven't gotten the promotion is [blows nose.]
I suck? You don't suck at all.
You're the one who has the smart things to say during meetings and deserves that job! You just never take credit.
You pretty much let everyone trample all over your tits.
[Bertie.]
I give up! Bertie, no.
Holland needs to fill that position, and I told him I'd think about it, but I was just buying you time.
I'm pretty sure his top choices are me and Dirk.
No! Dirk's a boob spooker! -We have to do something! -I might have an idea.
-[keyboard clicks.]
-Just select and nudge to the right.
And now, for some tasteful clip art.
Ha! A tiger! -Ooh! -That looks really good.
-Love the tiger.
-Me-ow.
I command you to print.
So what? Baby, I'm hot Y'all need to set your watch After my clock So what? Baby, I'm hot Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Clock, tick-tock Clock, ding-dong, yeah Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Clock, tick-tock Clock, ding-dong, yeah Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Yeah, I'm in the building Doing my thing, I do my thing Who you kidding? Me and my girls, we gettin' down We don't play, we never-- -[song ends abruptly.]
-[man coughs.]
Well, I wasn't super prepared for this, but I'll start with the basics.
Okay, who here can tell me which parts of this doll it's okay to whistle at? [yawns.]
-What's the plan now? -I don't know.
I thought Dirk would feel so guilty during this meeting, he'd confess to sexually harassing me! -[grunts.]
-Oh, you pure-hearted dummy.
Now, if we get kissed without consent, maybe with a little bit of tongue, do we really need to use the word "assault"? -Seems harsh.
-[laughs.]
Ugh, that's it! Okay, hi.
I feel like we have a problem with sexual harassment in this office, and I wanna talk about it! Yeah, yeah! Um, Bertie, the storytelling part comes after I do my condom demo.
Hey, Dirk! What you said to me yesterday made me uncomfortable! [laughs.]
Whoa, hey.
I was just kidding around.
It was inappropriate! My boob ran away! Uh, I'm sorry if my joke hurt your feelings.
-He's been weird to me, too.
-He goosed my butt! He honked my goose! I mean, boob.
I am a goose.
[laughs.]
What a playful guy! You made me think about my own body at work! That's disgusting! -Yeah! -That's right! -Ugh! Bodies are terrible! -Whoa! Let's not get into a mob mentality here.
Dirk, I think you should pack your things and leave the office for the day.
Come-- [groans.]
[crows.]
Hey, good job, Bertie.
You nailed that creep.
Yeah.
Feels good.
-Go ask Holland for what you deserve.
-Okay.
Mwah! Templates! Templates [fanfare plays.]
[big band instrumental flourish plays.]
Bertie, I'd like to thank you for speaking up today.
-I'm sorry if you had a bad experience-- -Can I have a promotion? -[gasps.]
-Uh, who? Look, I'd like to be a senior operations analyst.
I would be good at it.
I wanna do that, I wish we had another toilet in the women's room.
-Why am I still talking? -I was hoping you'd ask for that position.
You're the perfect candidate.
Wait, so does that mean -Yes.
Claudette? -Huh? Let's get Bertie moved into that empty office space today.
[screams.]
What?! It's happening! Yeah, suck it, Claudette! -[Claudette grumbles.]
-Oh.
Sorry, Claudette.
Wow, here I am.
I got what I wanted.
[phone buzzes.]
-[giggles.]
Aw.
-[keypad clicks, phone whooshes.]
[keypad clicks.]
Ah, ah, ah.
Heading home already? It's only 6:30.
You've got a lot of work to do, Ms.
Senior Operations Analyst.
Oh.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
[buzzes.]
[sneezes.]
Yeesh! [groans.]
No words, only scream Could possibly protect you You know what it means There is no blame There is no shame And even more Nobody gets what they want anymore Nobody gets what they want anymore [gasps.]
[grunts and howls.]
[howl continues.]
-[chittering.]
-[barking.]
[man.]
Boxer versus raptor! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[Bertie.]
I've been a data processor at Conde Nest for three years.
I'm a really important cog in the machine, but sometimes I wonder, what would it be like to be a bigger cog? I'm ready to break out and step the shit up! I want a promotion! Uh, I meant, what do you want for breakfast? Eh! Sorry.
[Tuca.]
We've got cereal, or eggs, or fish, or cake.
Why choose? Uh ugh! This position just opened up at work, and the job is perfect for me! -Ooh, what position is it? -Senior operations analyst.
It's using statistics to optimize marketing decisions for long-term growth.
[glass shattering.]
-Oh, wow! -That sounds great.
You gonna ask your boss about it today? Well, I'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified.
So, you're just gonna hope your boss remembers you exist, reads your mind, and gives you what you want? That's been my life approach so far, and it's worked never times.
You should just ask, Bertie.
Asking for what I want is not my style.
But it's okay.
I have a plan.
[Bertie.]
First, I'll dress to impress.
You don't own that, but it looks sharp.
Then I'll establish a rapport with my boss by nailing some small talk.
[phones ring.]
Work is great, but wouldn't you rather spend the day at the beach? -Aha.
Everyone loves the beach.
-I work as hard as I "beach"! -[both laugh.]
-Good one! Then I'll demonstrate my leadership skills by speaking up in a meeting.
Blah, blah, I'm Bertie's dumb, annoying coworker, Dirk.
I wear too much cologne, I pronounce it "ex-specially," and I usually talk over you, but I just realized I'm a stupid asshole.
[blows raspberry.]
Now I'm gonna go fuck myself! Thanks, Dirk.
I've done the market research.
Ka-pow! If we double down, ba-ba-boom, on media ad sales, we can improve our revenue by 25 percent.
Confidence! [cheering.]
Bertie, will you be our new senior operations analyst? Who? Me? -Please, Bertie! Please! -Okay.
Hooray for Bertie! Here's your maple-walnut latte, Ms.
Bertie.
-Yum! -Here's the latest analytics, Ms.
Bertie.
-Ooh! -Good morning, Ms.
B! I'm starved.
Could you feed me some fresh files? -Uh okay.
-Yum-yummy! Feed me more files! My hunger restores as I am fed, and I will never be sated! This is my curse! Uh -Bertie! -Uh, today will go great! Text me when you get the good news, okay? And tonight, maybe we can do some celebrating with my big di-nner idea.
-Two different kinds of oven fries! -Ooh! Hey, what if I come help you get the promotion? [laughs.]
That would be so fun, Tuca, but I should probably handle it myself.
Aw, okay.
But now I'm all pumped to work my Tuca magic and be useful to the world.
Oh, well, why don't you check your ChoreGoose app and do some gigs? Great idea! I can go above and beyond for some randos while making that money.
Aw, yeah, I'm about to bang out a ton of these gigs today! Strangers, you're about to get Tuca'd! [Bertie mumbles.]
Boss, boss, where is the boss? -[air horn blows.]
-Ah! Hi, Claudette.
You startled me by being.
-[groans.]
-[shudders.]
All right, switch on the charm.
Operation Small Talk with the Boss has begun.
-Hey, Holland! -Oh, good morning, Bertie.
That was some nice weather we had over the weekend, eh? Uh, just makes you wanna go to the beach.
Did you go to the beach? Oh, no.
I mean, I thought about it, but it's a long drive and I'm afraid of crabs.
[crows.]
You guys talking about the beach? You gonna catch some waves out there, Holland-dawg? [laughs.]
You know it, Dirk! -All right! -[laughs.]
Boo-yah! Water sports! Ba-bow! [laughs.]
Yeah, sometimes I have nightmares about that part of the ocean where the water gets super dark because it's so deep.
[chuckles.]
Like, what if there's a giant monster crab down there, waiting to pinch my butt? I work as hard as I beach! [groans.]
Never mind! -Did you see the sport this weekend? -Indeed, I did.
Good sport.
[knuckles crack loudly.]
[goose honks.]
[knocking on door.]
Hey, upstairs neighbor.
I'm here to be your ChoreGoose.
Ah, excellent.
Can you take dictation for me, my dear? Yes, sir! "Dear editor of the Bird Town Gazette, foreseeing increased mobility issues, the black tar potholes on Beak Street have become untenable!" [driver screams.]
[sniffs.]
-Did you get that? -Mm-hmm.
"As the owner of a vintage touring bicycle, I am endangered and frankly disturbed by the flippancy of our municipal pavers!" Got it! "As famed urbanist Elebert Whitscythe once said, 'Roads are but the lymphatic system of the city,' so I urge you to repair Bird Town's concrete crevices posthaste! Signed, Dapper T.
Dog, Fervent Citizen Velocipede.
" Okay, read it back to me.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
"Dear newspaper, potholes suck.
Go jerk off in a lake.
Sincerely, Dapper T.
Dog, City Velociraptor.
" [roars.]
What?! What sort of chicanery is afoot? This is good to go.
Mm-hmm.
Surely, this is in jest.
[chuckles.]
Fresh mail, coming in hot! Hyah! -Gotcha! -No! Fraudulence! Those weren't my impeccably composed words! I thought my version was more to the point.
My best friend, Bertie, always likes my editorializing.
-Get out at once! -Yeesh.
Okay.
-[sobs.]
-Now, where's my next gig at? -[indistinct chatter.]
-[Bertie.]
Hmm -Hey, what you got there? -Oh, just some ideas.
I was thinking we should be marketing to eagles because-- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I've definitely got some cool ideas, too, in terms of my own ideas, yeah.
[surf rock guitar riff plays.]
Good morning, all.
Let's get the ball rolling on our marketing strategy for the next month.
-Anybody want to start us off? -Yeah, I've got something here.
I think if you look at the data from this last quarter, it shows that-- And I'd like to piggyback on what Bertie is saying and add that our audience is expanding, ex-specially in the southeast.
Um, yes, that is true.
-And those areas are-- -Dense with eagles! And we could, you know, I don't know, target some ads.
I'm thinking, uh, trophy hunting, being on coins, hair plugs for the bald ones.
-[murmurs of assent.]
-Hmm 'Cause, uh, eagles love all that shit.
[laughs.]
They are quite extreme.
Excellent, Dirk.
Bertie, did you have anything to add? -Uh, no.
I think Dirk covered it.
-Yup.
[screams.]
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet! -Hi, could you keep it down? -Yeah, could you not? -Meow! -Meow! Sorry.
Cloaca! [echos.]
Ooh.
-[sighs.]
-[door opens.]
[woman.]
What's the difference between regular broth and bone broth? One has extra bones? -[woman.]
Duffy, I'm so glad you called.
-[door opens, closes.]
The best bone farm has been growing bones -[sighs.]
-for 200 years.
[woman chuckles.]
Of course it's haunted, come on! [dialing, line rings.]
Bertie, talk to me.
Tuca, this rooster guy I work with is ruining my life today! Kinda busy with a customer right now, but text me his photo, and I'll plot his murder the moment I'm free.
-Ah! What are you doing? -Just trimming a bush.
-[Tuca squeals.]
-What's going on over there? I'm out here helping people! Gotta go! [pants.]
[woman.]
I'm telling you, Duffy, the bones just suck up cellulite! Maybe some women are body positive, but hmm-mmm-mmm, not me! [groans.]
I'll just go ask him.
Yeah.
Be assertive.
[Holland hums.]
Hmm, he looks pretty busy.
Wouldn't wanna interrupt.
-Mm-hmm? -Eek! [pants.]
'Sup, Bertie? Thanks for earlier.
-You were so helpful in that meeting.
-Oh, no problem.
Hey, why the bleak beak? Oh, nothing.
I just need to buck up and ask Holland for something.
Oh, yeah? Is that why you wore that tight sweater today? What? I'm sure Holland will give you whatever you ask for.
[chuckles.]
No! Absolutely no! I will not with this shit.
I am finished.
-I'm finished! -Gross! I am done with today! I need a drink! Hey, you can't spell "drink" without "Dirk" and some other letters.
-Wait! -Right one staying put and lookin' nice.
Oh, no, you don't! [goose honks.]
-Voilà ! -Ooh.
You asked for a basic dresser, and that's what I built.
-Oh, wonderful! -Yup.
Followed the instructions and everything, then I kicked things up a notch.
-This is the meat drawer.
-Oh? -And cheese drawer.
-Um Now, you'll wanna swap these ice packs out twice a day for fresh ones or all your clothes are really gonna stink.
Oh, my! This isn't what I wanted at all! Aw.
My best friend, Bertie, loves it when I fill drawers with ham.
Ew.
Me and Bertie are always doing fun stuff.
Last week, her boyfriend ate his own grandma.
[exclaims.]
[grunts.]
Where the Havarti at? Got it! -Hey, you're the HR person, right? -[camera shutter clicks.]
Yup! What's with the hole? That's actually what I came here to talk to you-- [chuckles.]
You should cover that.
It's not appropriate work attire.
Uh, a coworker made a super gross comment about my body.
Eesh.
Who did that? Um it was Dirk.
Oh, he's cute.
Lucky you.
[grunts.]
Well, he probably meant it as a compliment.
Best to not spread this around.
It could make our company look bad, so Could you maybe talk to him about proper office behavior? [chuckles.]
That sounds like an awkward convo! Isn't that your job? Shh! Here's a pamphlet.
-Oh, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
So, where did all the cold cuts come from? I don't know where meat comes from.
What am I, a food professor? -There she is! -Yo! Hey.
What's up, guys? Tuca, how were your gigs? I did good, maybe too good.
You know how sometimes I'm too helpful? Yup.
Whoa, what happened to your chest? -Um -Did you trade a titty for a promotion? You are a ruthless negotiator! Ugh.
It's dumb.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I think your boob hole looks really cool.
Thanks.
-What's up with the promotion, though? -Oh, yeah! Well, everything's [cheerful music plays.]
[cheerful music plays.]
great! I totally asked for the promotion, and, uh -we're working on it! -Woo-woo! Time to celebrate with oven fries! [triumphant fanfare plays.]
-I burned the curly ones.
-Oh, great! Yeah.
I'm gonna go eat these in bed.
Bed fries.
-Is everything okay? -Oh, yeah.
[forced chuckle.]
Just working hard.
Okay, go relax.
I'll come to bed in a little bit.
Don't make yourself a new boyfriend out of fries.
A boy-fry'nd! -[bass music plays.]
-[studio audience applauds.]
Hey, Speckle, can I use your laptop? Don't you have a computer in your apartment? Am I in my apartment? Okay.
But don't stay up all night watching car crash videos.
-Fine.
-And don't wipe the browser history after staying up all night watching car crash videos.
Fine! -[tires screech.]
-Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! [laughs.]
[Tuca laughs.]
Woof! What a day! Oh, hey.
There you are! Yeah, the prodigal bosom returneth! I feel bad for splitting, but, boy, did I need a drink.
There, there, little Ber-titty.
Tell your Auntie Tookles all about it.
Bertie's boss barely notices we exist, I swear.
Aw, man! And that nasty rooster sexually harassed us today! So humiliating! Oh, no! Plus, the bathroom stinks, and there's a lady on her phone in there all day, so we can't poop! -Oh, hell no.
Bertie needs my help.
-[glass shatters.]
Yeah, she could really use some support.
[chuckles.]
Bra joke! -[audience cheers and applauds.]
-[burps.]
[Tuca.]
Mm-hmm -Ah-ha! -[chuckles.]
Hey! This is gonna be better than the time I popped out at the water park.
-Ah, yeah.
-[water splashes.]
-[Bertie's Boob.]
Wa-pow! Look at me now! -[crowd gasps.]
-[woman.]
Put that away! -[kid cries.]
-[woman.]
There are children here! -[man.]
Oh, Timmy, no! -[man.]
Look away, sweetie! Look away! -[woman.]
Oh, no! -[scream echoes.]
-Ah, sweet, sweet freedom.
[groans.]
So hung over.
[groans.]
-[horns blow.]
-Surprise! Your work sucks, and I'm here to make it better.
-What? -Check your desk.
Oh, Tuca And that's not all.
-I'm the new office temp! -[fanfare.]
-[laughs.]
-Your booby gave me the rundown.
-[burps.]
-And we're gonna fix this dump.
-Now, first order of business.
-Whoa! [woman.]
So, Duffy tells me I have something caught on my beak, and it's my beak brightening strip.
I forgot to remove it when I left for lunch! Chantelle, I swear, it was hilarious.
Come on! Yo, red velvet pumps, your time is up.
[woman.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
-Does this look like a phone booth to you? -I was just-- The middle stall? Seriously? That's a buffer stall.
No one's ever supposed to go in there.
Everyone knows that.
You need to go back to toilet school.
Wait a minute.
Do you even work on this floor? I don't even work in this building.
Me neither.
-Out! -[clucks, screams.]
-[door opens, closes.]
-Wee! -Templates, come! -[whistle trills.]
-Make this restroom more inviting.
-Uh, who are these? Oh, they're just two other temp workers I found around the office.
I call them templates! Templates -Why are you in charge of them? -Two words, Bertie: confidence.
Was one of the words "Bertie"? Oh, never mind.
I gotta run to a meeting in a minute.
[laughs.]
Perfect.
-Time for the next part of my plan.
-Ooh! All right, everyone, now that we've gotten some housekeeping out of the way, let's talk marketing strategy.
Dirk, why don't you get us started? Okay, well, I looked over more of my data, and I, um [chomping loudly.]
[clanging noise.]
[clears throat.]
I just wanna reiterate that stuff I was saying yesterday about eagles.
And the things that they like to do.
Okay.
Anything new today? Maybe we could advertise to, like, hawks, too? Ka-kaaaw! That's the alarm that sounds when no women have spoken out loud for three minutes.
-[Holland laughs.]
-[others laugh.]
I believe my buddy Bertie had something to contribute.
-Go ahead, B.
-Uh Well, based on my research, we could target more ads towards quacks, screamers, and loons.
And I'm not talking about Tuca here.
[laughter.]
I'm talking about waterfowl.
[coworkers murmur in agreement.]
That was amazing! Rudeness saves the day yet again.
-Excuse me, what was your name? -Tuca.
I'm a temp.
You seem like a real go-getter, an innovator, a maverick! A cowgirl, a snowblower, a popsicle stick.
Oh, sorry.
I thought we were just listing stuff.
Charming.
I'd love to hear some of your ideas.
Maybe I could pick your brain later.
Okay, but it's just a pile of peanuts up there.
[laughs.]
Wow, my boss really likes you.
Yeah.
All I did was make a loud noise.
Ka-kaw! [laughs.]
Kaw! I'm gonna eat chips for lunch.
Spicy chips.
Spicy chips Mm, spicy chips Ooh, they make me gassy But I love spicy chips -Are you eating chips for lunch again? -No.
-[Tuca.]
Come and get your lunch orders.
-Huh? Side of meatballs.
Great choice, Sarah.
Breakfast burrito.
Pretty wild for a Tuesday, Cindy.
Vegetarian surprise.
Here you go, champ.
There's meat in it.
Surprise! Lunch is fun now! -Here you go, Big H.
-Killing it, Tuca.
You're really great at this.
Yeah, I figured I should do at least one of the tasks the office manager asked me to do.
I got you, Claudette! -I got you, girl! -[people gasp.]
[chuckles.]
Claudette never smiles! Tuca, could you come and chat in my office for a moment? I'd like to get your input on some things.
-[gulps.]
-Okay.
Templates! Templates [fanfare plays.]
-Do you have a pool? -Yes.
Why? Can I throw a party at your house next weekend? -[laughs.]
-Uh Tuca? [groans.]
[laughs.]
Now, let me know if you wanna jazz things up in there.
I can build you a desk with a salami dispenser.
That's not a euphemism.
[laughs.]
Oh, Tuca! Hey, where's Bertie at? Bertie? Bertie! Bertie! [Bertie wails.]
Bertie! [Bertie.]
Your templates made it really nice in here.
-[sniffles and sobs.]
-What's wrong, friend? Well, I I thought I wasn't getting ahead because of sexism, but you've only been here one day, and you're doing amazing! I know.
It's crazy.
Your boss wants to give me the promotion you want.
[Bertie wails.]
No! So [sniffles.]
The only reason I haven't gotten the promotion is [blows nose.]
I suck? You don't suck at all.
You're the one who has the smart things to say during meetings and deserves that job! You just never take credit.
You pretty much let everyone trample all over your tits.
[Bertie.]
I give up! Bertie, no.
Holland needs to fill that position, and I told him I'd think about it, but I was just buying you time.
I'm pretty sure his top choices are me and Dirk.
No! Dirk's a boob spooker! -We have to do something! -I might have an idea.
-[keyboard clicks.]
-Just select and nudge to the right.
And now, for some tasteful clip art.
Ha! A tiger! -Ooh! -That looks really good.
-Love the tiger.
-Me-ow.
I command you to print.
So what? Baby, I'm hot Y'all need to set your watch After my clock So what? Baby, I'm hot Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Clock, tick-tock Clock, ding-dong, yeah Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Clock, tick-tock Clock, ding-dong, yeah Y'all need to set your watch After my clock Yeah, I'm in the building Doing my thing, I do my thing Who you kidding? Me and my girls, we gettin' down We don't play, we never-- -[song ends abruptly.]
-[man coughs.]
Well, I wasn't super prepared for this, but I'll start with the basics.
Okay, who here can tell me which parts of this doll it's okay to whistle at? [yawns.]
-What's the plan now? -I don't know.
I thought Dirk would feel so guilty during this meeting, he'd confess to sexually harassing me! -[grunts.]
-Oh, you pure-hearted dummy.
Now, if we get kissed without consent, maybe with a little bit of tongue, do we really need to use the word "assault"? -Seems harsh.
-[laughs.]
Ugh, that's it! Okay, hi.
I feel like we have a problem with sexual harassment in this office, and I wanna talk about it! Yeah, yeah! Um, Bertie, the storytelling part comes after I do my condom demo.
Hey, Dirk! What you said to me yesterday made me uncomfortable! [laughs.]
Whoa, hey.
I was just kidding around.
It was inappropriate! My boob ran away! Uh, I'm sorry if my joke hurt your feelings.
-He's been weird to me, too.
-He goosed my butt! He honked my goose! I mean, boob.
I am a goose.
[laughs.]
What a playful guy! You made me think about my own body at work! That's disgusting! -Yeah! -That's right! -Ugh! Bodies are terrible! -Whoa! Let's not get into a mob mentality here.
Dirk, I think you should pack your things and leave the office for the day.
Come-- [groans.]
[crows.]
Hey, good job, Bertie.
You nailed that creep.
Yeah.
Feels good.
-Go ask Holland for what you deserve.
-Okay.
Mwah! Templates! Templates [fanfare plays.]
[big band instrumental flourish plays.]
Bertie, I'd like to thank you for speaking up today.
-I'm sorry if you had a bad experience-- -Can I have a promotion? -[gasps.]
-Uh, who? Look, I'd like to be a senior operations analyst.
I would be good at it.
I wanna do that, I wish we had another toilet in the women's room.
-Why am I still talking? -I was hoping you'd ask for that position.
You're the perfect candidate.
Wait, so does that mean -Yes.
Claudette? -Huh? Let's get Bertie moved into that empty office space today.
[screams.]
What?! It's happening! Yeah, suck it, Claudette! -[Claudette grumbles.]
-Oh.
Sorry, Claudette.
Wow, here I am.
I got what I wanted.
[phone buzzes.]
-[giggles.]
Aw.
-[keypad clicks, phone whooshes.]
[keypad clicks.]
Ah, ah, ah.
Heading home already? It's only 6:30.
You've got a lot of work to do, Ms.
Senior Operations Analyst.
Oh.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
[buzzes.]
[sneezes.]
Yeesh! [groans.]
No words, only scream Could possibly protect you You know what it means There is no blame There is no shame And even more Nobody gets what they want anymore Nobody gets what they want anymore [gasps.]
[grunts and howls.]
[howl continues.]
-[chittering.]
-[barking.]
[man.]
Boxer versus raptor! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!