Tucker's Witch (1982) s01e02 Episode Script

- Good morning, this is Jewel Porter, speaking to you from the heart of Hollywood.
Well, the latest scuttlebutt this morning is that the new Francis Ford Coppola film is off if you can believe it.
I'll tell you something else that's off.
The lovely actress, J.
Thompson, and-- - Amanda, have you seen my corduroy jacket? - Everyone's favorite.
Well, their on-again-off-again romance is off.
- Manny? - At least, that's the latest.
You know, Brooke Shields has lots and lots of fans-- - Manny? - And her New York fans are having a charity-- - How can you watch that woman? - Do you mind? I'm interested.
- Well, why don't you use your magic for something more useful like helping me find my jacket? - You problem left it at Tina and Jerry's last night.
Boy, did you get blotto.
- I was not blotto, I never get blotto.
I was attacked.
Whoever heard of Portuguese vodka? Was I that bad? - You were fine once you stopped bullfighting with the schnauzer.
- I did that? - Let's hope, and speak-- - Stop it, what do you have against Jewel Porter anyway? - She's got a big mouth, what else did I do? - Thought I had that down pat.
- When I person makes an ass of himself, he has a right to know.
- You were very entertaining.
Now, would you please put the plug back in? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, what do you mean entertaining? - Well, you were adorable.
And afterwards, you were very sexy.
- That part is beginning to come back to me.
This isn't garbage day, is it? - Oh.
- Oh, yes.
- Dickens is telling us about the garbage, Mother.
- Really? That's the third time this week, what are we gonna do? - Ellen, do you ever feel left out when she talks to the cat like that? - Oh, oh, no, no, really, I mean, she's a witch after all, they're related, you know.
- Dickens says there's a hostile alien force threatening us.
- A hostile alien force? - Yeah, from somewhere out there.
- Should we alert the Pentagon? They know! - Hello? May I ask who's calling, please? Who? Just a moment, please, it's for you.
- Who is it? - Who's your favorite person in the whole wide world? - You're kidding, Miguel, ya old scuzzball! Jewel Porter? What is this? - I think it's a call from Jewel Porter.
- Wha? Hello, Miss Porter.
I, I'm sorry, uh, there was a, uh, disturbance here.
No, wait, wait, wait, what can I do for you? Yeah.
- "Dear Big Mouth, you've spread enough poison.
"Quit now or I'll spread some of my own.
" Not a big fan, huh? - You mean, this kind of mail isn't unusual? - There is an army of fans out there, Mrs.
Tucker.
And when I attack one of their favorite stars, I hear from them, you wouldn't believe the mail I get.
Women convinced they're gonna have Burt Reynolds' baby, easy, Andre.
Lonely men in prison, hopeful starlets from Hoboken, and every once in a while, I get a letter like that.
- Well, this guy didn't just send a letter, he sent a snake.
- Mrs.
Porter, if you feel this is a deliberate attempt on your life, you should-- - No police, Mrs.
Tucker.
Once they get involved, the media will pick it up and have a field day, it'll be fair game for every nut in Hollywood.
Oh, Dawn, dear, get that please.
- Here, Mother.
- Thank you.
Hello? Warren! I thought you were supposed to be in Rome.
When did you get back? - I wanna have another look at that bathroom.
The snake is gone, right? - Oh, yeah, the shelter man came and took it.
- Good.
- Now, now, now, now, Warren.
- That's a pretty necklace.
- Thank you.
- Is it turquoise? - Navajo.
Mother says you have psychic powers.
- Oh, well, sometimes I sense things.
Sometimes I don't, it's unusual.
- A friend bought it for me when we were in Las Vegas last month.
Only, my mom's not supposed to know I was there.
You won't say anything? - Lips are sealed.
- Thanks.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, I see.
Can I quote you on that, dear? Bye bye, sweetie.
- Whoever planted the snake must have ducked out through the bathroom window.
- Mr.
Tucker, why, I may step on toes from time to time, but that's all part of the game.
Sure, a star may hold a grudge, but murder? No way, a very disturbed person wrote that note.
Find him, and you've got the person who tried to kill me.
Will you take the case? - Well, Miss Porter, we'd like to talk about it first.
Can we get back to you? - I have a taping session with Paul Newman at four.
Why don't you come by the studio then? - Paul Newman? I never met Paul Newman.
- Hey, what do you need Paul Newman for when you got the kid, huh? Right, Marcia? - Right, kid.
Tina just called, all she could find was one sock.
She thinks Jerry took your jacket with him.
- One sock? - She thinks you left the other one on the roof.
- The roof? - The yodeling contest.
Rick, we've gotta make a decision.
I mean, someone's trying to kill Jewel Porter.
- Honey, this could be a real tough case.
I mean, there must be hundreds of crazies out there wanting to see that woman dead, thousands.
- No, no, no, this was not sent by a crazy.
There are no emotional vibes.
- Oh, okay, well then, a very sane person put a snake in her bathtub.
- No, what I mean is if a disturbed person sent this, it would be highly charged.
But I am picking up something about Miami.
- Miami, where'd Miami come from? - Only I don't know if it's from this.
- Can I see that? - Yeah.
- I'll tell you what I get.
I get the letter M out of alignment.
It's a manual typewriter, not an electric.
Some letters lighter, some letters darker, which tells me the person was using the hunt and peck method, that's what I get.
- Okay, maybe Marcia can come up with something we can go on, like the typewriter model.
- Where you going? - To meet Paul Newman, oh, Rick, please? Okay.
Lucky for you, it's a slow month.
Were we really on the roof? - Only some of us.
- "Dear Big Mouth, this is your second chance.
"Quit now or it's lights out.
" - It was waiting for me when I got to the studio this morning.
Somebody slipped it under my office door.
Frankly, I've never been so scared in my life.
- Jewel? - Oh, Darren, I would like you to meet Rick and Amanda Tucker.
- How do you do? - Hello.
- Darren is my personal assistant.
- How do you do? - He knows more about this business than anyone in town.
- Present company excepted.
Jewel, I've got bad news, I just got a call, Newman can't make it.
- Can't make it? - LAX is fogged in, he's stuck in a holding pattern.
- That makes two of us, now what do we do? We've got a show to tape.
- Relax, Jane Fonda's on the lot.
Now, maybe I can persuade her to pinch it? - Oh, Darren, you are a genius.
I'd be lost without him.
Look, I have got to tape the opening.
Can you two wait around a bit? I'll be right back.
- Jane Fonda, remember her in Clue? - No.
Grandma used to have a spell for getting rid of fog.
- In five seconds, four, three, two, one.
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Jewel Porter speaking to you from the heart of Hollywood.
Tonight, we have a real treat.
We're going to meet three celebrities who are superstars in the entertainment industry.
Stars so bright, they light up the sky of Hollywood.
Stars so bright, they light up the lives of all the people they meet.
Tonight, we're going to examine their lives, their loves, their triumph over personal tragedy.
Tonight, we're gonna meet three extraordinary people who think of themselves as people first, and celebrit-- - The light! Amanda, what are you doing? Amanda! - We're all right, up there! - Hey! Freeze! - You talkin' to me? - Yeah, hold it right there.
- You must be on the wrong set, buddy, this is a musical.
- Well, if you didn't catch him, then we've got nothing to go on.
- We still have the threat notes, Mr.
Porter.
- Threat notes, what threat notes? - Jewel didn't tell you? - No, I knew noting about this until a few minutes ago.
I just got in from Miami.
- Miami? - Yeah, my real estate, there was a convention there.
Look, I've gotta see Jewel, doctor's giving her a sedative.
I'm glad you're on the case.
- Well, he's our man.
- Honey, before we put the cuffs on him, whadya say we fill in a few details, you know? Like clues and motives, detective stuff.
- Okay, okay, private eye, that's what you want? - Yeah.
Aw, thank you.
- Anytime.
- Drive carefully, now.
Oh, God.
You're not milkin' this, are ya? - I love it when you drive.
- It's gotta be the husband.
He knows her schedule and he has access to both the studio and her own home! Rick? You want me to make ya a sandwich? - Unh-uh, think I wanna be up all night? Nope, it's somebody in the business.
- Miami.
- Okay, why would he send a threatening note to his wife? - To throw suspicion off himself.
- Okay, what about the gorillas, that Terry Porter too? - If I were Terry Porter, I'd hire a real gorilla.
From Detroit, maybe.
- Okay, we gotta talk to him again anyway.
- That's a good plan, how do you do, Mr.
Porter, did you hire a hit man to bump off a little woman? - No, no, no, we ask him about his wife's professional enemies, that's where we find our man.
- And while he's busy giving you a nice fat list of red herrings to throw you off the track, I'll check out his typewriter.
- Oh, and Marcia told me it's an old model, Queen Portable.
They don't make 'em anymore.
- Hey, Rick, I offered.
- Yours tastes so much better.
- Rick, there's someone in the house.
- It's probably your mother.
- We don't think so.
- Oh, yeah, your hostile alien force.
The force is with us.
- You're working mighty late, Mr.
Childes, say, who are you? What are you doing here? - Well, electric.
- She sure is.
Hi.
- Hi, may I help you? - I'm Rick Tucker, is Mr.
Porter in? - I'm Christy, Mr.
Porter's out.
- Aw, darn.
- Hi, I'm chopped liver.
- Oh, I'm sorry, this is my associate, Mavis.
When's ol' Terry gettin' back? - I'm not sure, perhaps I can help.
- I'll bet you can.
Great tan.
Huh? - Oh, great, great.
- Hawaii, right? - Unh-uh, Aspen.
I just got back from my vacation.
- Oh, that's neat.
Well, I think I, I have to be excused, ladies' room.
- Aspen, huh? - Uh-huh.
- Great place.
- Have you been there? - No, but people talk about it.
I'll bet you'd look great in a pair of water skis.
- On purpose, you're a dangerous lady, you know that? Yes.
Roger Hewes slipped my mind, you know there's really, Some great places up there.
The Crystal Palace, you ever been there? I'll bet they never even let you out of the lodge, did they? All those zippers all over your ski outfit.
You're back! - Yeah! Honey, don't forget your appointment at the periodontist.
- You're right! Well, it was nice talking to you, Aspen.
- Nice talking to you, bye, Mavis.
- Huh? Oh, bye.
- He wasn't lying about that, Porter was in Miami alright.
- According to the letter Amanda photographed, Porter's business is overdue on a 1/4 million dollar note and the bank is screaming for their money.
- So you think because Jewel Porter is loaded that Terry wants to kill her for her money? - Well, that is a motive, right? I mean, detective stuff.
- Speaking of detective stuff, I tracked down your jacket.
Jerry took it with him to the tennis club.
- Why there? - You had a game with him.
Half an hour ago.
- Oh, when did I make a date with Jerry to play tennis? - That night.
You know, Rick, I've got a hunch that Porter's making it with his secretary.
Did you get anything out of her aside from her statistics? - Yes, I did, where would we go to get a list of Jewel Porter's professional enemies? - The Academy Awards? - I'll tell you where, her arch rival, The Tribune's gossip columnist, Nathan Blye.
- Lucky that snake didn't bite her, lucky for the snake, I mean.
You know, I could go on all afternoon telling you names of people who beared a grudge towards poor Jewel.
- This is the guy who knows where the bodies are buried, right, Mr.
Blye? - Yes, but for once, I agree with her.
It's not anybody in the film industry.
No, these people have far too much to lose.
No, I should look somewhere first at the home.
- How close? Her husband? - There are rumors that there's trouble in paradise.
Yes, yes, but I was thinking of somebody, more like her brilliant, ever-resourceful assistant.
- Darren Childes.
- Darren Childes, what would he have to gain? - I happen to know that Darren Childes would love to step into Jewel Porter's shoes, size nine.
He's already laid the groundwork.
When her ratings took a dive recently, Darren tried talking a deal to take over her show.
But of course, the minute their ratings improved, nobody wanted to hear from Darren Childes.
I thought he would have realized by now that he's never going to replace Jewel Porter.
- Not as long as she's still around.
Now that is a motive, Darren Childes is the guy we check out next.
- No, it sounds like sour grapes to me.
Terry Porter's the one who has two good motives, money and your Miss Aspen there.
- Okay, so we'll check 'em both out.
But right now, I wanna find my jacket.
- Rick, what is with this jacket, huh? I mean, I'll buy ya a new one.
- Honey, that's my lucky jacket.
I wore it the night I asked you to marry me.
- Aw, really? - Yeah.
- Which night was that? - Uh, it was the night you said yes.
- Aw, that's really sweet.
- Yeah.
- You're right, we gotta find that jacket.
Andy? Did Jerry drop off Rick's jacket? It's real important that we find it.
- No, I think he took it with him.
Oh, Rick, keep doing that, can I talk to you for a minute? - Yeah, sure.
Hey, how ya doing? - Rick, key to Portuguese vodka is before you drink it, you wanna take about this much olive oil, three tablespoons of cream cheese, then you're safe.
Gotta get back to work.
- Mr.
Childes isn't in, I clear everything for him.
And before I can schedule an appointment, you'll have to state your business, or leave.
- Thank you very much, but we'll catch him tomorrow.
- How do we get by Miss Berlin Wall there, huh? - This is not going to be nice, but.
- Jewel Porter Productions.
No, I already gave him your other two messages.
He obviously doesn't want to talk to you and neither do I.
Oh my God! Oh! - Nah, it's another electric.
- Blye was right, Childes had luncheon dates with Jewel's producers last month.
- Amanda, look what's in the closet.
- An old Queen.
- Well, guess who's here.
Amanda, are you coming? - I don't know, something about that car.
- Maybe it needs a tuneup.
Good evening, Mrs.
Porter's expecting us.
Andre, what are you doing here? - Shh! I missed you.
- Nathan Blye, that envious, evil-minded, gossip-mongering hack? You would take his word over mine? - You are not answering my question.
Were you making a deal behind my back? - I don't have to stand here and listen to this.
- Mrs.
Porter, there's more.
- They were all typed on his machine.
- Darren, I don't believe it.
- What was that? - Mother! - Oh my God, Darren! - Oh, no! - That was supposed to be you.
Oh my God! - Hey, Rick.
- Turk.
- 'Scuse me, Nick.
The night janitor, been missing two days.
Looks like he was killed somewhere else and moved here.
We found his cart in the corridor near Childes' office.
- Well, we know it wasn't Childes.
- Right, but it was somebody who knows his studio real well.
- How do you figure? - The killer used plastic explosive to blow up that car the other night.
- C3? - Yeah.
We traced it to the special effects department here.
He stole enough to demolish 10 cars but the thing is, this guy only used enough for one.
He really knows his stuff.
- Knows to save enough for nine more tries.
- Yeah.
- It won't hurt him, will it? - Nah, not at all, lady.
You put your bait it on this end, and your raccoon comes in through here, steps on this.
- What do you use for bait? - Ya got any marshmallows? - Marshmallow? - Oh, yeah, raccoons got a real sweet tooth.
Sardines or a piece of bacon will do okay though.
- Marshmallows.
- What a beautiful collection.
- Oh, thanks.
- Read my future.
No, I wanna know I'm gonna live happily ever after.
- I don't really read cards, I read people, sort of.
- Well, read me.
- Well, that necklace.
It's not just a gift, it's very special.
- It is special.
- It was given to you by a man.
- Go on.
- I see a big room, with lots of people that you've never met.
And lots of flowers.
You're very happy, but you're also very sad.
- That's incredible! I got married in Vegas in one of those chapels.
Please don't tell my mother.
But I need to know, did I do the right thing? - Oh, I don't know, Dawn.
Nobody can answer that.
- I couldn't find any marshmallows, so I had to use sardines.
Oh, I made a lovely cake, would you like some? - Oh, no thank you, I've got to be getting back.
My mother's expecting me.
The trap.
- Poor Dickens! Aw, here, babycake.
- I guess it'll have to be marshmallows.
Got the notes here.
- Rick? - Hm? - I think the Dawn connection is really important.
- Yeah? - She's very uptight about her marriage.
Maybe it's tied in somehow with the attempts on Jewel's life.
- So, all of a sudden you're giving up on Porter and now you go back to your intuition? - No, no, but I think we should check the records in Vegas and find out who Dawn married.
Hi.
- How's it going? - Thanks, Mom.
- Ooh, I almost forgot.
Jerry brought your jacket by.
- Oh! - He thought you might want your number from the relay race.
- The relay race? - The relay race.
- Is that it? - What? - The relay race, does that finish it? - That's it.
I told you you were adorable.
- Hey, look at this.
- What? - Remember that newspaper you borrowed from Porter's office? This is a blowup of him at the convention.
Guess who else was there.
That's his secretary.
- How could I forget? Miss Aspen.
- I love it.
- Good.
This business with Jewel, I wish it were over and done with.
Now it's beginning to get to me.
- Why don't you just relax, honey? I've never seen you so tense.
But I know how to take care of that.
- Oh, honey.
- Oh, honey.
- I love you, Christy.
- I love you, too, Terry.
- Okay, buddy, come on out.
- Is it true, Dawn, you married Andre? - That's amazing.
You really do have psychic powers, huh? - No, just the ability to deduce and a real resourceful secretary checked out the records in Vegas.
- He really loves me, and my mother's so busy.
Andre is the first person who ever made me feel important.
- Have you tried telling your mother? - I don't wanna add to her worries.
And she wouldn't accept Andre.
- Oh, I think you underestimate her.
You know, if you really love this guy-- - I do, he just needs somebody to believe in him.
He's had such a hard time since he came to this country.
- Yeah, well, I still think you should tell her.
I mean, underneath all that drive and ambition, there's a person who really needs and cares as much as you do.
- What makes you say that? - Call it intuition.
We'll, I gotta get goin'.
What a lovely cat, reminds of Dickens.
- He does, I call him Humphrey.
Here, I want you to have him.
- Oh, I couldn't.
- Please, it'd make me very happy.
- Thanks, I'll take real good care of him.
- You're way off the track, Mr.
Tucker.
My wife knows all about Christy and me.
- Are you saying Jewel gave you her blessing? - Blessing's a little strong.
- Let's call an understanding.
You see, Jewel's married to her career, and Jewel's happy, and I'm happy.
- And I'm very happy.
- Then why all the double talk about Aspen and Miami? - Well, that was for Jewel's sake, she didn't wanna wind up in Nathan Blye's gossip column herself.
So you see, you're wasting your time.
- Maybe.
You still stand to inherit a fortune if Jewel dies.
- Look, Jewel has totally written me out of her will.
Everything goes to Dawn now.
- It's part of the price of freedom.
- Hey, what about here? - Oh, no, I think Dickens likes it better on the bureau.
- No, he doesn't, Dickens doesn't even want it in the house.
- Well, we can't figure this guy, Andre, until we get something solid on him.
All we know for sure now is that he married her.
And he gambles.
- Well, I've got Marcia checking with the immigration authorities.
- Will you look at that, he's jealous.
- So am I.
- Rick, it's the middle of the day.
Rick.
- Mm-hm, so, we blow lunch.
- Hi! - Hi.
- I need to tell Mother about us.
- Not now, she has too much on her mind.
- Soon then, okay? I don't wanna go on hiding like this.
- Maybe in a few days, where's Humphrey? - I gave him to Amanda.
- Amanda? - Yeah, the lady detective my mother hired.
- Oh.
- Andre came to LA in 1980, joined the Stuntman Union in '81, does occasional stunt work.
- With wild animals, maybe snakes.
- He worked on a movie called Jungle Terror.
- Stunt work, well that could explain how he's so familiar with the studio.
- Car repossessed twice, once in '81 and again last spring.
Several credit cards canceled due to delinquent payments.
- Guy should stay away from Vegas.
Do we have anything on him before he left Belgium? We need something, something solid.
- There's nothing spectacular.
He went to college in Brussels, served two years in the national service where he trained as a demolitions expert-- - Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, that's solid.
- No, he's not like that! He's gentle, and kind, and loving, and he'd never do anything to hurt anybody, never! - Dawn? - Is there anything I can do to help? - No, thank you, Amanda.
I think I must handle this myself.
I've dodged my personal responsibilities too long.
- We can find something to link Andre with the rest of the plastic explosives, we can nail him.
- Do you think he'd still be hanging on to it? - If he is, I hope he's got it in a nice cool place.
You know, Jewel Porter turned out to be alright.
- Yeah, she gave up her family though for her career.
She and Dawn have a lot of lost ground to make up.
I think they're gonna do just fine.
Here, oh, do you feel chilly? - Mm-hm, a little.
Ssh! - Dickens, baby, what's the matter? Not another raccoon.
Mother? Mother? - All of you, over there.
- Hey, Andre.
- What are you doing here? - I need something, the cat, where's the cat? - Dickens? - Who's Dickens? - Our cat.
- I want Humphrey.
- Who's Humphrey? - The ceramic cat Dawn gave you, where is it? - The ceramic cat.
- Dickens didn't want it in the house.
- Just give me the cat and I'll leave.
- Oh, no, you won't, the C3's in the cat.
That's where you hid the rest of the plastic explosives, right, Andre? - Be sensible, I have no reason to hurt you if you tell me where it is.
- The dead janitor and Darren Childes blown up in a car is two reasons, huh? He plans to blow us all up tonight, right, Andre? - He wouldn't do that, would he? - Oh, he would, Ellen, and he will.
He's not here to eat your oatmeal cookies.
- Enough of this! Tell me where it is now, or I start with her.
- Rick, the explosives, Humphrey! - It's by the fire, get outta the house! - Rick! - Get outta the house! It's all right! It's all right! - We're okay.
But you are terrific.
Where do you take him? - We fly him up into the hills by helicopter, then we let him go.
- Well, what about his family? Maybe he has a wife and children.
- What's a little garbage, huh? We changed our minds, you can let him go.
- I can't do that ma'am, it's against the rules.
Look, give us a call if you get any more trouble, okay? - Alright.
- Bye.
Yay!