Two Weeks to Live (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Ian!
Ian!
Is that you playing silly
bollocks downstairs?
Ian!
Hello, Jimmy.
Remember me?
Um
You killed my dad.
Yeah, you might need to narrow
it down a bit.
Okay, how's this?
His name
Was Bill Noakes.
Was he, like, this
little fella
Oh, for God's sake!
Don't shout at me, I'm trying
to remember, I'm getting old!
Do you have, like, a picture
of him, or something?
Not on me, no!
I wasn't exactly planning
on doing this tonight.
I've got one in the car.
-Do you wanna go and get it?
-No! Come on, think.
Bill Noakes?
You know, the thing is
it might be easier for you
to exact your revenge
if you weren't standing
on a trapdoor!
Idiot!
Who's got a trapdoor in their
house, anyway, you plank?
I do.
Where the fuck is she, man?
Un-fucking-believable.
She's only little.
Wotcher.
Now, if I was you,
I would mind my step, treacle.
Thanks, honey.
Why don't you mind yours?
That makes no sense
at all, does it?
I mean, I'm the one walking
forwards, you're the one
walking backwards.
Why would I need
to mind my step?
So no one's ever fallen
walking forwards then,
have they?
Kind of unlikely in this
kind of situation.
Okay, yeah, so it's
highly unlikely,
but I'm saying, stranger
things have happened.
-You watch your step.
-You watch your step!
God, you're annoying.
You're annoying. Now, back off.
Look, I don't want
blood everywhere.
I've just spent a shitload
on decorating.
- It's nice.
- Thank you.
So what do you say
that you and I
have ourselves a little tumble?
No guns. No knives. Eh?
To the death, though, right?
Yes, to the fucking death!
Jesus.
I thought it might
get a bit grim,
that's all.
You know, hand to hand.
Then maybe that's why
they call me
the Grim Reaper.
Or maybe you're about to reap
what you sow.
Oh, that's a really nice
exchange that,
I like that.
-Yeah, it just felt organic.
-It did, didn't it?
Well, go on then.
Put your gun down.
You put your gun down.
You put your gun down.
All right, we'll put them
down together. Nice
Nice and slow.
So Beth looks up,
fixes me square in the eye
and says,
"Jay, you have got the most
gorgeous balls."
Ugh. Fuck off.
She did, bro, I swear.
No bloke's got gorgeous balls.
Okay, mine are disgusting.
I'm just gonna put that
out there.
I have repulsive balls.
Of course you do.
All balls are disgusting.
They're the kind of balls only
a mother could find gorgeous.
I agree with you!
Mine are horrible.
Fucking hell!
I bet even David Beckham
hasn't got gorgeous balls,
and his balls are golden.
Oh, yeah. No one's doubting
the golden hue of
a Beckham bollock,
but that's where the aesthetic
beauty of them comes
to a swift end,
do you know what I mean?
-She said it though, man.
-Well, she's lying.
Ha, no! Beth never lies.
She's like a priest
or the League table.
-She's like Shakira's hips.
-Exactly.
That's how I knew we were
going to spend the rest
of our lives together.
What?
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
You think it's a bad idea,
don't you?
I guess the only thing is,
it's been six months.
Yeah, but it's like Dad
used to say.
When you know, you know.
Yeah, but you think you know
things but you don't.
That's kind of, like,
your thing.
Yeah, but I'm not saying
I think I know,
I'm saying I know I know.
And when you know you know
something, you just know it,
innit?
No, because the second piece
of knowledge relies on
the first one being
factually accurate,
which I'm saying it might
not be
Mate, just because you've
been dumped
it doesn't mean the rest of us
have to be fucking
miserable, does it?
-Kim's been a long time.
-Yeah. Well
I hate to break it to you,
kid, but
she's thinks it's the end
of the world
and she's run off to some
rich geezer's house
in the middle of the night.
What do you think's happening?
She's blatantly in there
right now just
throwing some guy
around the bed
like it's his last night alive.
You killed my dad.
You've made your bed,
now you're going to die in it.
Please do not tell me
you dragged me all the way
up the stairs
just to say that.
Yes.
-It's fucking terrible.
-Shut up!
I am sorry about
killing Phil.
Bill!
Shit! Fuck! Sorry. I'm sorry.
I mean, it feels like
you're doing this
on purpose now.
I swear to God, I'm not!
I'm not!
I watched him bleed to death
on the floor.
Your mistake was leaving me
alive that night.
You shouldn't have done that.
Oh, I remember you.
You're Little Miss Penguin,
ain't you?
I always wondered what
happened to you.
Yes, well now you know.
It was a bit mean
of you, though,
killing that geezer outside.
You know, Ian.
What did he do?
It's a moot point,
though, isn't it?
We're all dead anyway.
Put the news on.
See for yourself.
Oh, it's
in
other news,
the World Biscuit-Eating
Championships
got off to a fantastic
start today
I don't understand.
I think you'll find
it's the highest amount
of biscuits
consumed within an allocated
time frame.
Why is no one speaking
about it?
Fuck.
You stabbed me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I meant to kill you.
You stabbed me while my back
was turned!
That is so
rude!
Come on, then.
Fuck!
Kim? Kim?
I'm going out there again.
Don't stab me!
Or shoot me!
I'm serious!
I prom I promise.
Kim, where are you?
Up here.
Hey! Kim!
Did you lie to me tonight,
about the end of the world?
Uh, well I mean,
I wouldn't say
-It wasn't exactly
-Nicky!
Did you lie to me?
That is so rude.
I was about to tell you,
but you just ran out of there
so quickly.
But it's okay, right?
I mean, it's not like
anyone's died.
Kim!
Fuck!
Kim!
Tell Jo
Who's Jo?
Tell Tell Jo
Tell him what?
Who's Jo?
Is he dead? Check his pulse.
Is he dead?
There's some of his brain
on the table.
Well, how much?
You want me to tell you
how much of his brain
is on the table?
Yes, Jay! If it's not
too much trouble,
I would like you, to inform me
how much of his brain
I think any amount of brain
is too much brain, isn't it?
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot
you were a fucking
brain surgeon.
When did that happen?
Was it before or after you got
promoted to the supermarket
deli counter?
Whoa, whoa!
That's a bit much, mate.
This getting personal and shit.
I was going to ask you to be
my best man as well.
Why are you still talking
about weddings
when there's two dead people?
It's the fish counter anyway.
Jerk.
Kim! Where have you been?
Are you okay?
What's happening? Who are they?
Why are they attacking you?
Oh, God, you're in shock.
She's in shock.
Um shall we get some
frozen peas?
Let's get some frozen peas!
Okay, erm
Jay, Google the recovery
position
We need to leave, bro.
Peas, peas, okay, peas! Great!
Um, these will help.
Just Okay, just hold
that there
Okay, I tell you what, just
That'll just
Okay!
Um, I'm gonna call the police
right now.
Is there anything you need
to tell me before I do?
Anything at all?
Okay.
-What can I get you, darling?
-Coffee, please.
What sort?
You pick.
She doesn't look so dangerous.
On the end there.
Tell that
to my husband.
Ain't that right, Carl?
She caught me
with a sucker punch, Mandy!
How many times?
If she comes in again,
I'll put her smarmy little head
through the window.
And which window would that be,
my good man?
There you go,
my darling.
All sorted.
Okay, this is fucked up, man.
We need to call the police
right now.
Also, bro, seriously,
you look fucking ridiculous.
I know, I know. I just need
to speak to Kim first
and find out what's
really going on.
What's really going on is
we're trapped in a house
with some weirdo who's clearly
out of her mind.
All right. Easy with
the judging.
Have you ever heard of
moral relativism?
Obviously not, no.
She's not out of her mind,
is she? She's just
out of her context, that's all.
She's not a weirdo.
And she needs our help.
She's probably just as scared
as we are.
I think she's perfectly nice.
Right. We've only got an hour
before we've got company.
We don't want his thugs to know
we've been here, so,
we'll take Ian's body with us,
make it look like
he killed Jimmy
and fled the scene.
He'll be easier to move
in smaller pieces.
-Happy?
-What the
-The thing is
-You've got a better plan?
Not necessarily better.
But, um, we were
just thinking,
uh, maybe call the police,
calmly explain what happened
No, what happened, Nicky,
is 15 years ago, that man
killed my dad in front of me.
I was six years old.
I'm so sorry.
He ruined my life.
And now he's dead.
Yeah, except he threw himself
off the balcony.
You didn't do that, Kim.
And look at this guy.
Oh, my
Have you seen the guns
upstairs?
I mean, we'll say it was
self-defense.
It was, really.
Of course. You're right.
You should call the police.
Tell them exactly
what happened.
All I ask is that you give me
one hour to disappear.
Can you do that for me?
Disappear, like, for good?
Just tell them I knocked you
unconscious.
Okay, then. Sure.
But
But I'm still mad at you.
And this is just for my list,
because I don't know when
I'll get another chance.
Have a nice life.
Fuck my life!
I'll get the frozen peas.
He's lost a lot of blood.
We need to get him
to the hospital
- or he's going to die.
- Kim.
So, I'm not being funny, but
am I the only one
that's thinking
you know?
Let nature take its course
and all that?
Jay!
He's a fucking Nazi gangster.
He'd do the same to us.
I'm not, actually.
I got that tattoo when
I was 16.
Confused, insecure,
trying to fit in with
a crowd.
But it's a young man's game,
isn't it?
-Being a Nazi?
-Yeah.
You get older and you realize
that everyone's just trying
to muddle along.
It's the cruel world
that's the problem,
not the people in it.
I've made mistakes in my life,
but I'm happy with the person
that I've become.
I can say that with my hand
on my heart.
God, he's a sweetheart!
If we help this guy,
we're all going
to prison for this.
You know that, don't you?
If it comes to it,
I take the blame.
I promise you that.
But saving Ian is the right
thing to do.
Okay. You call the hospital
and let them know
that we're coming.
I'll dash to the car quickly
and get it all set up for Ian.
Sure, Kim. Car. Dash. Ian!
Kim Kardashian!
Okay, we're in a rush,
so don't worry,
but remind me to explain
that to you later
because that's probably the
best thing I've said
in, like, ever.
Sorry. What do you mean,
"later"?
Oh I just thought because
of the whole, you know
I told you, that kiss
was for my list.
Just like everything else
was supposed to be.
I was so excited.
But then you lied to me,
didn't you?
And now it's all ruined.
I just think a bit of moral
relativism would
I'm glad we met.
I really am.
But when you lie to someone,
you squeeze the toothpaste
out of the tube.
And you can't put it
back in again.
Now hang on, son.
Just wait.
In that room through there,
there's 500 grand in cash
hidden in the fireplace.
There's plenty more where
that came from.
Just don't kill me, please.
This was to make you more
comfortable, Ian!
Oh, I thought you were gonna
smother me to death.
No!
Thank you.
No, you're not having it now.
Where you going?
Where do you think?
I was only joking about
the money
Shittetty-shit.
Hello, darling.
I don't understand why you need
to brush your teeth now
anyway, kid.
We're kind of in the middle
of some serious shit.
What? No, Jay, it's a metaphor.
It means you can't undo
something once
you've done it.
It's like, you can't tell a lie
and then
Oi! You two!
Come and look at this! Quick!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what you doing?
Put it back, man!
Fuck off.
We just need to get Ian
to the hospital
and our story straight to
the police. That's it.
Okay. And what if we go
to the police and Kim
blames it on us?
She's not going to do that,
is she?
- Guys!
- How do you know?
Because honesty is,
like, her thing.
Bro, you don't even know her!
- I know her well enough.
All right?
-Guys!
Yes, Ian?
Jeez!
Right little moaner, isn't he?
What do you want, man?
Isn't she supposed to be taking
me to the hospital?
Kim!