Ugly Americans (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

Every once in a blue moon, something extraordinary happens Easy.
You don't have to do this.
Something that really gets your blood pumping.
Drop that arm.
But, I wanted to go to the show.
It's amazing how anyone can actually stay sane once they've gone through the system.
- Are you alive or dead? - Alive.
- Good or evil? - Good.
Evil.
Do you walk on two or four legs? Sometimes two, sometimes four when I'm running, sometimes five, if you get my meaning.
Two.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to retract your claws.
The whole process is so dehumanizing.
Granted, many of the cases aren't human, but still, What's wrong with treating them with a little compassion? Here, boy.
Who's your master? Huh, somebody ate chili for dinner.
Something smells amazing.
Must be my famous eggs.
The secret ingredient is pepper.
Did you know, as a sign of respect, You're supposed to let a werewolf sniff your hand Before starting a conversation? That's the smell.
Dude, you are so tender.
Are you having a full moon flesh craving again? No! Of course not.
Are you sure? 'cause you're salivating, like, a lot.
I'm just hungry for some flesh toast.
Made from a mixture of tofu, whole grains, and rat ovaries with real fleshy taste added.
Mmm-mmm.
Flesh toast.
Be careful out there.
Don't bruise yourself, flesokay?St.
Okay.
Are you licking my ear? Don't ruin the moment.
Can you believe this guy? All for a ticket to the Christ Angel show.
Oh, right, 'cause Christ Angel's such a genius.
Hey, what are you doing? It's a sign of respect, right? Yeah, in 1801.
I can't believe I'm still dealing With this level of ignorance.
Sorry.
By the way, your hand smells like flesh toast.
The state versus matthew thornton, werewolf.
Your honor, there are The defendant was arrested with the victim's arm in his mouth.
Dna evidence was everywhere.
And the law could not be more on my side.
Giant baby? Oh, who could say no to that spaghetti face? Case dismissed.
Really, your honor? This is the seventh case he's won with spaghetti.
You call this justice? I order the werewolf back into the custody of Leonard powers to undergo obedience training.
Is Mr.
Powers present? Leonard's, caught in traffic, your honor, so I will be handling the werewolf.
I don't care.
And time.
I'm sorry.
I've got too much anger for this trust exercise.
Okay, good, great, way to express yourself, Phil.
Would it be too much to ask For you to give me back my wedding ring? Um, sorry.
I haven't passed it yet.
How convenient.
Matthew, is there anything you'd like to say To help Phil deal with some of that anger? Could I interest you in a belly rub? This is unbelievable.
This is an important lesson for everyone.
Without a basic level of trust, The whole city will fall apart.
That's nice in theory, But you can't trust everybody.
Oh, God! It's happening again.
Let's give Phil some space for a minute, Watch some slides.
Leonard, some visual aids, please.
Keep your pants on, honey.
In the early days of New York, the native New Yorkers were led by the vampire William Dyer.
My skin's on fire.
But irish immigrants were flooding into the city.
Oh, God! And quite frankly, A lot of tension between those groups.
This will bring me nightmare.
Tone it down, okay? Sure.
Take Christ Angel's side.
Whoa.
Jesus Christ.
Make it stop.
Make it stop! Oh, sorry about that, everyone.
We'll pick it up from here next time.
Nice powerpoint, sugar tits.
Excalibur.
Excalibur.
Excalibur.
Little out of sync in there today.
Have I ever told you how much I like this magic pen set? Yes, many times.
I'm a little more interested in this angry obsession You have with Christ Angel.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Magic.
I would think this guy would be a hero to all wizards.
I mean, he's amazing.
So cool.
Oh, my God, Leonard! Is this you? Yes.
You're friends with Christ Angel? We're not friends.
He's my brother.
- We have the same mother - Right.
- And father.
- I get it.
Like the Jonases, only there are two of us.
- I'm gonna take off.
- Now I turn on the television.
I got to see this dude who's my brother.
Hey, buddy.
Want to jam with me on rock band? Brains Brains, they are delicious.
Are we jamming? Do I look cool right now? Mm-hmm.
You're the coolest, buddy.
Hello, Ray? Yeah, it's me.
Man, I'm having a really bad craving.
Well, I roofied my roommate's chocolate milk.
Chocolate milk.
Yeah, I know, a grown man.
I'm really fixated on the occipital lobe right now.
How would I do it? Well, I hadn't really thought about it.
But I guess I'd start with an incision At the base of the spine, bypassing the arteries.
Then I'd drain the spinal fluid To make, like, you know, kind of a base.
Are you masturbating to this? Dude, you are the worst sponsor.
How long have you been watching me sleep? The whole night.
Okay, clearly, you want to eat me, And that's natural.
You're a zombie.
Save your hippie mind games for someone else, dude.
Okay, all right.
But I'm here when you want to talk.
Mark, I hope I didn't give off the impression that I have some sort of problem With my brother's success.
Listen, I'm fine with him living out All my hopes and dreams.
Would I have given him my classic dove card trick If I was bitter? For this next illusion, I need a volunteer.
Oh, me! Pick me! Wow, look at you.
I guess I'm not the only angel in here tonight.
I need you to think of a card.
Okay.
Now, really concentrate on the card.
That's totally my card.
But where's Christ? What's happening to me? Help! I'm going into labor.
What you've just seen is magic.
Yeah! That's your trick? He won a wizzie for it in 1732.
He must have been so grateful.
Oh, yeah! I mean, he didn't mention me in his speech Or return my calls for three centuries, But a brother knows.
I take back everything I said about magicians.
Old lady, your brother is amazing.
Well, we've had a lot of fun tonight, But I'd like to slow things down for a minute And introduce my brother.
Leonard, get your ass out here.
Hey.
Can you believe he's the younger brother? So old.
Wrinkle face.
Lenny, it's always good to see you, But I've been meaning to ask you something.
Mm-hmm.
Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself? - Stop - Why you hitting yourself? - That's okay - Why you hitting yourself? This guy's a total dick.
Leonard, I think this is a classic case Of sibling doormat syndrome.
Wait.
I have a family! Mark, you're about to lose that hand.
You should stop drinking And be more honest about your emotions.
Take Randall here as an example.
Hey, Randall, you want to eat me, right? More than anything.
See, and now that that's out in the open, We can deal with it.
I worked out a whole plan.
After you go to bed, I wait patiently for your breathing patterns To indicate that you have fallen asleep.
Leonard, if it's your dream to be a world-famous wizard, You should go for it.
The trick is gonna be opening your door Without making any noise.
Maybe you have a point.
But where would I even start? How about here, at open mic night? Before entering the room, I'll put pillows on my feet.
He'll never hear me.
Is that drunk sack of magic Gonna grace us with his presence today? Are you talking about the amazing Leonard? Whoa, that leotard is tight.
This is just a little taste.
If you want to see more, Be at the subclub tonight.
It promises to be a magical evening.
Grimes, you're on cleanup.
How come whenever a lion explodes, It's always grimes on cleanup? Callie, let's start interviewing Replacement wizards.
You know what I'm looking for.
Proficiency in evil And a working knowledge of powerpoint.
Out of sight.
How did the exploding lion over? Reaction was mixed.
What's this? It's a token of my appreciation.
"I, Leonard Powers, "bequeath to you, Mark Lilly, One day of immortality.
" And a 25 dollars Barnes & Noble gift card.
I'm a little confused.
That's good for any purchase, Except at the cafe.
Actually, I was talking about The immortality/handgun scenario.
Mark, you really turned me around last night.
Immortality is the greatest gift a wizard can bestow.
Go ahead.
Give it a shot.
You know what? I've got some work to finish up right now.
What say I off myself after lunch? Okay.
You might want to use the safety if you're gonna aim it at your junk.
This calm, peaceful neighborhood was once the site of the horrific battles between the natives and the irish, but eventually, they decided to trust each other.
So they could get on with their lives.
Is there anything you guys would like to say to each other? Could you come by my place And explain to my six-year-old where daddy's arm went? You've got some serious hostility issues.
You know that? Sorry, I've been waiting too that all day.
Now that I've got yourtttion, There's someone I want you to meet.
He'll help you put all this hatred into perspective.
Welcome to Ray's.
Class, this is Mr.
Dyer.
Yes, the same Mr.
Dyer from the slide show.
Yesterday.
That wasn't even Does anyone pay attention? He traded in his anger for the american dream.
If he can find peace or shall I say slice So can you.
Mr.
Dyer, the floor is yours.
After I lost my eye, I was seduced by the glamour of the pizza business.
But after a good run, I rediscovered my one true passion: A seething hatred of the irish! I should have done a little more research.
Uh, Randall? Are you following me? So what if I am? It's great exercise.
Nothing sinister about that.
The piano wire and the man-size sack Say otherwise.
I'm not actually gonna sneak up behind you And strangle you And shove your lifeless body into this sack.
I just want you to see that I could.
Our first act is the amazing Leonard.
Also, we're out of chicken fingers.
Are you ready for some magic? I need an assistant.
How about you, young man? You need a woman for the dove trick.
I can't give birth to you.
Don't worry.
I'm doing something else.
I am going to kill a man And bring him back to life.
Let's see your precious Christ do that.
I call it "the wakey-wakey eggs and bakey.
" Whoa, wait! We're losing them, Mark.
What's wrong? You don't believe in me.
That's not true.
You never believed in me.
You're just like all the rest.
Okay, maybe I don't feel Like shooting myself in the head right now.
It has been a while since you performed In front of a live audience.
I've never performed in front of a live audience.
Why don't we start with a card trick? Or maybe pull a quarter out from behind my ear? The finger thing? This gag? Please, Mark.
I promise.
If you kill yourself, you won't regret it.
Happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
I call his legs.
Oh, my God! I'm alive! Leonard's spell worked.
What happened to my clothes? Clothing does not make the transition Into the in-between world.
Okay, you're going to come back to life, But we've got to go over a few things first To make sure that you don't kill yourself again.
That's completely unnecessary.
I want to live.
Before I can process you, I need to show you How your death affected your friends, Or what my mother would call "a guilt trip.
" Randall had to identify your body.
Why? Why? Why can't I eat him? I'm sorry.
It's against the law.
I'll give you a minute to say good-bye.
Well, would it be okay if I just ate a toe? Go for it, buddy.
I don't need all those toes.
Dude, did you hear What he just said? Well, if it's okay with him.
Hey.
And callie, she found twayne an evil wizard To take Leonard's place.
Everything is collating as I have foreseen.
Does she even care that I'm dead? She's trying to induce a tear via yawning.
Really hard for demons to cry.
They're like protestants.
There it is.
Leonard is so ashamed and racked with guilt That he goes on the biggest bender of his life.
Let's do some body shots, baby.
It's been nice working with you, lady liberty.
You're the ugliest french chick I've ever seen.
Where's he going? To the wizards' guild, Where he shall resign from the department of integration.
I've got to stop him.
Bah-bah, we got to complete the process.
Next stop, your funeral.
Enjoy.
Hi, everyone.
My name's Phil.
I didn't know Mark long, but seeing him here like this really hits home.
Looking at death, I realize being a werewolf isn't so bad.
My arm's even growing back.
See? Look at my small arm.
Mark tried to teach me that.
He just did a really terrible job.
I forgive you.
Thank you so much.
And, hey, look what I found.
Don't worry.
I rubbed it in purell.
I don't even know these guys.
Doesn't anybody who's known me for more than a day Want to speak, anyone? No.
Overall, it was a pretty low-key affair.
Okay, that's it.
Here's a customer service evaluation.
I cannot accept tips, But if you appreciated my services, Please circle either "excellent"s or "very good"s.
It's a pension thing, And it means a lot to me and my family, okay.
I wish I had time to explain what just happened, But I've got to stop Leonard from quitting.
I can't believe you ate my toe.
It didn't look like you were coming back.
It was a victimless crime.
Listen to me.
It's very important that I find Leonard Powers.
He's in the middle of his resignation ceremony in the 12th-floor conference room.
Thanks.
You shall not pass! Until you sign in.
It's required.
In order to resign your position As wizard at the department of integration, You must turn in your office supplies.
I was told I could keep them.
Silence! You will turn them in, Even the koosh ball.
And once the box is unloaded, It shall be done.
One rubber band ball.
One merlin mouse pad.
One wand sharpener.
One plastic world's drunkest wizard trophy.
One koosh ball.
And finally, one excalibur pen set.
Wait! Leonard, stop! Don't do it.
I'm alive.
- And diving for no reason.
- Sorry.
Who dares intrude On the president of the wizards' guild? By the power of excalibur, I withdraw my resignation.
No! I've been made redundant.
Maintenance! I summon thee.
Thanks for saving me, kid.
Just promise never to encourage me again.
You have my word.
In america, you're always taught to reach for the stars, But for some, just accepting who you are is hard enough.
Kitty cat! Others end up regretting the cost they paid To get to the top.
Life is hard enough as it is.
I say, there are more important things to worry about.
The best advice might be to just leave the stars alone, have a few drinks and pass out on your desk.
Ah, sucker! Cucumber.