Underemployed (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 We're out of Maple Bacon bars.
What do you mean, you're out of Maple Bacon bars, you little bitch? Raviva.
Look who turned out to be pro-life.
You had sex with your boss? Why did I do that? I want a job.
Welcome to the real world.
Did you do it? Sorta.
Ooh! You're here to serve mojitos, and, if you don't have a big boy, wrap it in a tortilla.
So you guys want to meet Rosemary? Yeah.
Rosemary.
So creepy.
We have become parents.
Destroyers of worlds.
Miles! Rosemary, say hi to the camera.
Miles! Careful, girls.
Careful.
Slow down.
You have a baby.
Careful, girls.
Careful.
It's madness.
I know, right? We are so old.
I always thought Soph would be the first to have a kid.
Me? Had to have had sex.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I assumed it would have happened by now.
I assume she will very soon.
I'm actually right here, you guys.
Hey.
Hi.
How's it going? I can't believe I haven't had three of these already.
She's gonna poop again, babe.
She just pooped.
She's making the poop face.
Soph, get another diaper! Soph! Um, guys, we are out of diapers.
It's our first time changing her.
- How can we be out of diapers? - I've been so lucky.
Thanks.
You know what I mean.
No parents have friends like this.
No.
Not like this.
I don't think mine did.
I know mine didn't.
I wish my parents had friends like this that were cool and always around.
They probably would have stayed together.
Mine too.
Mine too.
Let's make a deal.
Let's have, like, an ultimate bat signal so that, if and when any of us ever have kids and we need help, we'll just pssh, like, the ultimate bat signal.
And, no matter what we're doing, we'll just drop it and help each other, right? I mean, that would be so much better than the way we were raised.
Deal? Deal.
Deal.
Deal.
Deal.
Yo, yo, daddy-o.
Hey, how's my baby mama doing? Don't call me baby mama.
But that's what you are.
You're my baby mama.
I'm your baby daddy.
And this is our baby baby.
Hate that you have to go to work.
If this were Norway, you know In Norway we would live in an overdesigned environment with a homogeneous population and eat a lot of boiled fish.
Okay, but you are the boss's son.
And can't you take, like, a week off to stay at home with your brand-new baby? Nope.
Have you seen my phone? Rosemary wants to know why.
Because daddy asked grandpa for a job after insulting grandpa for the better part of a decade.
Daddy doesn't feel like he should ask grandpa for any time off three days after being hired.
Okay.
She understands.
All right, well, just let's do a quick tour around the house.
You can show me what I can move or toss.
You know, there's literally no room for any of the baby stuff, let alone mine.
Veev Just a quick, super quick tour.
Veev, I can't.
Can we talk about this later? I got to finish getting ready.
Okay.
But we kind of need somewhere to put our stuff, you know.
Veev, can we do this later? Have you seen my phone? Thank you.
How long bastard here? I don't know.
Somewhere between 18 or 36 years.
I can't sleep with wah-wah-wah.
I know, I know, but I think it gets better.
When? When it get better? I don't know, Tatiana.
Soon.
Okay? When we meet, you tell me, "Tatiana, we go live in Milan.
" And that's still on the to-do list.
Now I work for catering, live with bastard and poopy milk smell.
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Morning.
I no like.
What's wrong with her? She's just Russian.
I'm gonna go.
Hey, bro, would you mind mailing this for me? Just put some cardboard in there, so it doesn't get bent.
Yeah, sure.
What is it? Headshot for Mr.
Calvin Klein.
He told me to send him one, so who knows, right? Could go to New York, Milan.
It could happen.
Hell, yeah.
Have a good day.
See ya.
Later, buddy.
Babe, I got to go too.
Wait.
I have an idea.
You know, maybe you can just take today off.
You know, we could take Rosemary around and show her the world, and then maybe we can get some of the stuff we need to make your place, you know, a little more family-friendly.
Veev, I'll be home around 6:00.
Can we talk about this then, please? Lou, there's, like, a million things to do.
Veev, veev, I'm sorry.
I have to go to work.
Call me whenever you want.
Mwah.
Yeah, yeah, dad, I'm on my way.
Hey, you know what, I'm just gonna go stay at my mom's.
What? Well, there's no space for us here, you obviously have no time to make space for us here, so we're just gonna go stay at my mom's.
Veev, I have to go to work.
Great, have a wonderful day at work.
- Boom, check it.
- Are you journaling now? Because the only thing worse than journaling is reading to people from your journal.
It's Rosemary's baby book.
Veev said, 'cause I'm a writer, it's like my job.
She is such a good delegator.
I have got to get on that.
Go.
"Dear Rosemary, this is the story of what it was like during your first days on earth with your mom, dad, and all your friend-aunts and uncles.
" Aw.
How's that? It's okay.
I prefer a story with a little more raunchy, first-time sex in it.
What? Tell me how Sophia Swanson cashed in her v-card, bitch.
Inquiring mind wants to know.
Sophia, you promised you would tell me.
Now tell me.
Okay, between you and me, though.
Pinky swear, pinky swear.
We went on a date.
Dinner date, drinks date, or "I have no hope of this ever working out" Starbucks tea date? Drinks date.
Ooh.
It was nice.
Sexy nice, fancy nice, or "Sophia Swanson from Minnesota" nice? Sexy nice.
And then what happened? Well, after several cocktails, we went back to my place and You just did it.
"Slammed up against the door" style.
No.
What? No, we talked for a long time.
And then you did it.
Yeah.
In bed three times.
Sophia Swanson, rock steady.
A triple in your first at-bat.
Was that was that a bad idea? Oh, no, no.
After 23 years of nothing, I would say it pretty much couldn't be avoided.
So was he was he big? Umm Oh, super big.
No.
Oh.
Really small.
No, it's What? It wasn't like tha it was different.
That's all I want to say right now.
Okay, okay, okay.
Please don't tell everyone.
Sophia, darling child, your secret is safe with me.
Hey, sorry to bother you at work.
- Oh, no, thank God you did.
Guess what? - I'm at work.
What? Sophia had sex.
Holy crap, with who? Don't tell anybody, okay? I can tell Raviva, though, right? No, no, don't tell anyone else.
What's up? Well, I'm sorry to do this so soon, but I need to light the bat signal.
Ooh, already? What happened? Hang on, I'll tell you.
What's up? Sophia had sex.
Daph, what the Who was the lucky guy? We don't know, but, shh, don't tell anybody.
- It's a secret.
- That's why you guys called? No, ultimate bat signal.
Hang on a second.
I kind of can't talk right now.
Hey, Soph, good job.
On what? Nothing.
Nothing.
I gotta go.
Wait, ultimate bat signal.
Ooh, what happened? I'll tell you, but this has to be a secret, okay? A real secret.
We wouldn't tell anybody.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Raviva's all bummed that the place isn't cleaned up and baby-friendly.
I want to surprise her with some stuff tonight, you know? Make her feel she has more of a home.
Aw, best baby daddy ever.
What can we do? Daphne, can you get baby clothes? There's a thrift shop I've heard Raviva talk about.
Ew, I am not going in a thrift shop.
Daph, ultimate bat signal.
Fine.
I'm going in a thrift shop.
Miles, I can meet you on my lunch break, we can get a crib, but can you take it home and build it? I'll see what I can do.
And, Sophia, this is really important.
I need you to ooh, I gotta go.
Gotta go.
Sorry.
I'll text you.
Bye.
And, remember, this all has to be a secret.
Hey, there, gossip girl.
May I help you? I see you finally figured out how to make a conference call.
Yeah, yeah, just in time.
I'm having some baby daddy issues, and I needed to call in some favors, getting her done.
That's a cool story.
Listen, the phone system isn't your personal turntable where you dj your life, brah.
It's a business tool for doing business at work.
- Solid? - Yeah, we're totally solid.
Great, let's keep it that way.
Oh, and I know you think you're saving the planet with this double-sided crap, but people don't have any place to write their notes on these things.
Single-side, brah.
Single-side.
Hey, Dave Tables five, six and ten, even other places sitting, Miles.
Now.
I know, that's I told you.
I'm on it.
Fantastic.
So, what're you still doing here? I've loved your last toite.
Mine? I love yours.
Working love the late.
I'm so following that.
- Are you can stalking me? - Me? Never.
Are you about to ask to leave you the only one audition or you so following or smth.
? No.
- Actually - Nice try.
Mile's staying.
All right, everyone, town hall meeting time.
Feel free to speak your mind, ask for help.
Remember, there's no dumb questions or comments.
Even though I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, no cell phones, please.
Take 'em out.
Great.
Okay.
I'll go first.
There are a lot of chemical-using customers out there that aren't using our chemicals.
They're using other people's chemicals, and I think it would be a lot better if we had a world where the chemical-using customers, they were using our chemicals.
Does anybody have any ideas how to make that happen? Damn it, Lou, I know that's your phone.
It's in front of you.
Sorry, I thought it was on silent.
Anybody? Ideas? Where are we supposed to put all of our stuff, huh? You have any ideas? You know what, why don't we start emptying drawers out? Let's call your dad.
Maybe his schedule has opened up.
Personal call? Yeah, a personal call with my personal phone.
At work.
Leave a message at the sound of the tone.
Hey, hope you're having a lovely day.
Give me the phone.
What? Give me the phone.
I'll give it back at the end of the day.
Um, whenever you get a sec, me and Rosemary had a question for you, so give us a call back.
Okay, thanks, bye.
Paul, I got a brand-new baby at home.
And a job that's gonna pay for all the things that baby needs.
It's in your own best interest.
Give me the phone.
Unless you want to go run and tell dad.
You want to tell dad? Is it in any way possible for me to not attend this I.
T.
lunch thing? Like, I pretty much get Google docs.
What's the conflict? There's no conflict.
My friends had a baby, and they want me to get baby clothes.
I'll be back by, like, 1:00, 1:30, possibly 3:00? You're kind of putting me in a tough position here, glover.
Is it really that important? It's a lunch meeting about calendars.
If learning about all the fabulous complexities of syncing calendars is really that important, then why have the meeting at lunch, right? What I meant, glover, is that, if you're going to miss the meeting and go roaming all over town, I just thought maybe I should go with you.
Go with me? Yeah.
Last time we had lunch, we had a lot more than lunch.
And then I found out you had a girlfriend.
But I broke up with her.
It was still a major event in my short but dramatic career.
I'm really, really sorry.
Clean slate? Clean slate.
Great.
Miss glover, would you please do me the honor of allowing me to accompany you while you shop for baby clothes? I could maybe do that.
But you would need to create an event on my calendar and invite me.
That's how this works.
Raviva, you have to call him now.
Mom, I have called him.
I've texted him, I've poked him, I've called him three times, he hasn't picked up once.
You are, like, the only human being who's responded to me all day.
Look at this thug mansion with its pretzel pieces and porn DVDs and nowhere to put even one pair of my underwear.
Baby, it kills me to see you this way.
You have to take control.
I can't take control, mom.
It's their place.
Boys at this age are not mature enough to have a place, let alone be boyfriends or parents.
And, thanks to these video games, they all think they're supposed to stay 13 forever.
For the sake of that little girl, you have to take charge.
You're right.
Let's take charge.
Let's let's clean this place up.
Let's make room for me and Rosemary.
I'm going to yoga.
You clean this place up.
Wait.
No, trust me.
Turn this place into an adult dwelling, and they'll thank you for it.
But, mom Gotta go.
Veev, it's me.
Call me on my office phone when you get this.
My douche bag boss took my phone.
Bye.
Hey, Paul.
Tatiana, it's just five tables.
Why you go? It doesn't matter why I go, okay? I'm just asking you to do me a favor and take care of my tables.
Why you go? You have new girl.
No, no.
I'm going to the baby store with Lou.
We're buying a crib, and then he asked me to take it home and build it.
Oh, for baby, I suppo of course for baby.
See, it's already more problem with this baby.
Look, it's not my fault.
It's an ultimate bat signal.
I'm bound by honor to respond.
This baby is ruining my life.
Whoa, you two are having a baby? No.
We're not having a baby.
And what is this ultimate bat signal? What what food for bastard? Toy for bastard? Dude.
What? Pay me, I'll take your tables.
Thank you.
What is ultimate bat signal? What? You wouldn't understand.
Tatiana.
Uh, Cheryl.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry.
I think I have to go home.
What is it this time? Burning diarrhea.
Really? Yeah.
Last night, my friends and I went for hot wings, and they were like, "let's get the super triple-x," and I was like, "no, that's a bad idea.
" Turns out it's a bad idea.
Know what, that's fine.
Just go.
Good luck with that.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Why do people own porn anymore? Can't they just watch it online? Seems severely old-fashioned not to just be streaming this crap.
Mm, that looks like it hurts.
I got to tell you, kid, it is not easy being a woman.
Men can talk all they want about love, but, at the end of the day, when everyone goes off to work, it is just you and your baby, baby.
Ladies who munch.
I'm a sucker for a play on words.
Yeah, we'll hang onto this one.
Hmm.
"Slow children at play.
" Okay.
I think I'm gonna make an executive decision.
Thinking about this bad boy? Yeah, it looks pretty good.
Yeah, if you're trying to strangle your baby.
Nah, trust me, these things are jaws.
They'll snap your kid's head straight off.
You boys are gonna want something with a few more safety features than this murder box.
What about that one? That one that's the one I like to call the Terminator.
Let's not get that one.
Now this one, this one over here, this is the one that Jay-Z and Beyonce got for Blue Ivy, the Bellini.
Damn.
It's kind of expensive.
Very expensive, but let me ask you boys this how much do you love your baby? Oh, yeah, it's not our baby.
Oh, of course it is.
There's all kinds of families.
Look, you guys are gonna do great.
Just get a good crib.
Do you have a store credit card? Dads, let me snag you an application.
All right, so you're gonna take this home and put it together in your room? Yes, in my room, where Raviva won't know.
All right.
Do you think I should explain to our friend right there? No, no, dude, just let it go.
Solidarity.
Pretty soon we have a crib.
We had a baby.
We're having a little one.
Yup, all right, let's go.
Oh my god.
I've should never have calling you.
No niece of mine is ever gonna wear these hepatitis hand-me-downs.
Why do you have to get the clothes from a thrift shop to begin with? Well, you know, my friends, they're super green about everything, and I guess, if your baby wears clothes that someone else has pooped in, then Al Gore doesn't cry green Jesus tears in heaven.
Ugh.
Look at this.
This is septic.
I think it would look nice on you, though, so Don't you think? You're gonna be a good mom.
You think? Yeah.
You have a very mom energy.
Let's go to baby gap.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey, I'm Sophia.
I called about the the device.
Come on in.
Hey.
You're home.
I thought you were gonna be at work all day.
Something came up.
Okay.
Did you hear about Soph? Mm-hmm.
Daphne called.
Who's the guy? Nobody knows.
Place looks great.
Thank you.
Took a little initiative in the absence of any meaningful partner to confer with.
What do you think? Good move.
Thanks.
Where's my sign? What, the "slow children at play" sign? Yeah.
Threw it out.
You what? I put it out in the trash.
Someone already got it.
Oh, of course somebody got it.
You know, it's the coolest sign in the world.
"Slow children at play"? Should I slow down? Are the children slow? It's the only double entendre in the public works system.
This is an adult dwelling now.
I gotta go shake this off.
Wait, Miles.
Can you just leave me alone a minute? Miles, can I come in? No! I'm shaking it off.
Look, I'm all right, I'm fine.
You just can't come in right now 'cause I'm shaking it off.
See ya.
Okay, your hippie friends wanted you to buy used baby clothes.
Yes.
You just bought new baby clothes.
Yes.
I'm starting to see that your challenges executing simple tasks at work might be a part of a pattern.
This is only one phase of a many-phased plan.
How many phases are there? Unclear.
Are you a member of the washer-dryer-owning community? As of a few months ago, yes, I finally am.
And, on a scale of one to ten, how much do you not want to go back to the office today? If I get to be with you? Okay, so why don't we stop, get a coffee, and just go back to your place? But no funny stuff.
"You are my boss after all, Todd, and a bit of a cad, as history's shown.
" That's some tricky you're pulling there, mister.
Too far? Yeah.
But I like it.
Just call daddy, huh? No big deal.
I'm the only one with a business relationship to you that knows your extension.
That's a personal call.
He's not picking up.
If you answer that, I-I will march your little ass up to your dad's office right now and tell him you do not understand reality.
Damn it.
Let's try your aunt.
How's the bug? About to lose an Uncle and maybe a mommy if we don't act fast.
We? Yeah, we.
I kind of need you to steal me sign.
You need me to steal you a sign? I need you to steal me a street sign.
Look, I threw it out, and Miles is, like, totally, completely pissed at me.
Okay.
Okay.
What kind of street sign? I have to admit, glover, when you said you wanted to skip the Google docs meeting, I didn't think this is how it would end.
Yeah, see, no one ever sees the "artificial distressing of baby clothes" thing coming.
But that's why it feels so right when it does.
Bleach? It's right here, doctor.
Thank you.
And the coffee.
Just to give it all that real free-trade organic poop tone.
There.
Now what do you want to do? That's not sex.
Or sex-adjacent.
It's like having a puppy.
Where'd you learn to cook like this? I spend two weeks in Tuscany every summer studying with Mario Batali.
Seriously? No, I learned from my grandfather, standing on a stool in the kitchen.
That is sort of painfully adorable.
Sorta.
My parents broke up when I was nine, and they couldn't agree on custody, so I went to go live with my dad's folks at a resort they owned in northern Minnesota.
Sorry.
That's okay.
Anyway, she did the cleaning, he did the cooking, so I helped him in the kitchen.
Yeah, well, you did good, kid.
So what happened to your mom? You said you lived with your dad.
Yeah.
She she ran off with the neighbor when I was five.
No.
That really happens? Yes, it does.
They live in Hawaii now.
And, you know, I hear from her once a year.
I was just talking with my friends the other night about how we want to be better than our parents.
I mean, I think it just it must be so hard to stay together.
It's definitely not easy.
The couples I know that have stayed together, it seems to me it takes a combination of hard work, selflessness, and luck.
You have to be lucky enough to find the right person to begin with.
Not everyone does.
What are you doing? Glover, what are you doing? Making a big mistake.
You are coming with me.
I was just putting this back.
And done.
I own you, bitch! Oh, damn.
Extras.
What's up? Sophia just got arrested.
What? Whoo-hoo! Baby's first bailout.
Hey.
Hey.
How was your first solo mission as Amelia Momhart? Crashed, burned, and was never heard from again because someone doesn't care at all about me or the human being he forced into existence with his sperm.
Sorry.
Where have you been? Nowhere.
I recognize the look of the recently ravished.
I may have just cavorted.
With the boss dude again? Yes, but it was only in the service of getting these baby clothes laundered.
Daph, that's not gonna end well.
Ending has never been my strong suit.
I'm more of a beginner.
You know me.
Okay, here's the culprit.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Because the suspect in question has no record of any previous offenses, we're letting her go.
We will make sure she suffers.
Don't let it happen again.
I won't.
I promise.
Freedom! Thank God I'm out of there.
Sophia Swanson, what a week.
Oh, right? Legendary.
I mean, first you get arrested for attempted robbery.
Then you take your first trip to pound town.
Miles! You told him.
I may have let it slip, yeah.
Sophia, I'm I'm sorry.
Daphne, you promised.
Sophia, I'm sorry.
Come on.
Sophia! Sophia, listen to me.
It's okay.
We all know.
You don't know anything.
You don't know anything! Just leave me alone.
Sophia.
I may have misplayed that one.
Are you sure you want to leave? Yes.
I need change.
I'm sorry this isn't simpler.
These guys are my friends, and I've never really had much of a family.
My friends are my family.
It's okay.
I understand.
Who is that guy? Arkady.
New boyfriend.
And he rides in a limo? No.
He drives limo.
Tatiana look, you are good friend.
Bad boyfriend, but good friend.
And good Uncle to bastard.
I'll see you in Milan.
Maybe.
Be safe.
Who is it? Everybody's worried about you.
It's you they should be worried about.
I'm gonna kill you.
The only reason I came here was because I knew that, if I went home, there'd be no one to save me from your Insufferable charm.
It wasn't like gossip.
I was happy for you.
But you promised not to tell.
I live my life like a reality show.
We all know this.
I screw things up just to keep myself interested, but, if I knew how serious this was for you, I would never have said anything.
I was applying Daphne rules to Sophia life, and it was a mistake, okay? I won't do it again.
There'll never be another chance to do it again.
That's the point.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm just I'm gonna be honest here real quick.
Just tell me, why are you so secret agenting this thing? It happens to everybody.
Shh.
Honey, I'm home.
Where have you been? I know.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I had this stupid I've been calling you all day long.
I know.
My boss took my phone.
So you couldn't call me once? I did.
I left a message.
Didn't get any message.
Well, I definitely left one.
I'm sorry if you didn't shoes.
I didn't get any message.
Okay, well, I definitely did leave you a message.
All I wanted was five minutes of conversation.
But then my mom came over and told me to take charge, so I did.
And then I lost Miles's sign, and then Sophia got arrested, and I just hate this day so frickin' much.
I do too.
It's always tough when a friend gets arrested.
Raviva.
I think that Rosemary and I should just go stay at my mom's.
Raviva.
I really I'm not mad.
I just think that it would be for the best.
Raviva, come with me.
Where? What do you I have something to show you.
What? What could you possibly show me that could possibly make up for what I've been through today? Just wait.
Is it your little thing? I've seen it.
Raviva.
It's normal size.
Miles, get in here.
What? What? What are you doing? Surprise! Surprise.
What did you guys wait, you guys did all of this? For us? No, for you.
Yeah, he told us to.
All I did was light the bat signal.
These guys did the rest.
You guys, Lou, I spent the whole day thinking that I know.
You weren't I know.
Thank you.
This is amazing.
Wow.
God, this crib is amazing.
Miles built it.
Piece of cake.
Turns out I am pretty handy.
These clothes are you kidding me? Daphne went to a thrift shop.
No.
Yes, I did.
What? I know.
Amazing.
They're perfect.
Thank you so much.
- I'm so glad you like them.
- I love them.
Took a lot of searching.
Mm, but it's kind of fun, though, isn't it? Oh, totally fun.
They look brand-new.
I know, right? Amazing.
There's one more thing.
Sophia.
Here you go.
What is this? What is it? I don't know.
Just open it up.
What is this? You guys! A four-track? What does it do? 'Cause I've been carrying this thing around all day wondering.
A four-track is what you use to record songs.
I can record songs.
Why did you do all of this? Well, just because you're my baby ma co-parent with benefits doesn't mean you're not still gonna rock.
Girl's gotta rock.
Yes, but this must have been super expensive.
I'll sell my fixie to make it back.
I can't ride around with a baby on the back of a fixed-gear bike.
Highly unsafe.
Welcome home.
What? I am never listening to my mom ever again.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Amazing.
"And by the time we all got home from the police station, we were even more tired than before.
Taking care of a baby is tiring, but it's even more tiring when you're pretty much just babies yourselves.
I don't know how people in their 30s do it.
Before I sign off, Rosemary, I want to tell you one last thing.
You have a lot to look forward to in this life you're about to live.
But the best thing of all is something I didn't even know about until just recently.
It's called 'falling in love.
' someday you, little Rosemary, you're gonna meet someone who makes you feel this deep rush inside your heart, like your whole life is filling up and speeding up, like there will never be enough time to do everything.
I'm so excited that you're gonna feel this one day.
Like I said, I just started feeling it now for the first time because I've met a very special person, who just in the space of one week has changed my life completely, and I can't wait To see her again.
" Her? Yeah.
Her.
Good job.
Um, what's what's that for? We've had a bet going on for about five years that I just lost.
What are those for? I don't know.