United States of Al (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (LAUGHS): W-Whoa, what happened to you? I don't remember.
You look like you slept in the woods.
Now I remember.
I'm worried about you, sis.
You usually make it to a bed, even if it's not yours.
(PHONE VIBRATING) Riley, you are getting a call from someone named "Soul Crusher".
It's Vanessa.
Oh.
Hey, what's up? Okay, well, where is it leaking from? Just look at it and see where the water's coming out.
Did she turn the water off? She's got to turn the water off.
I got this.
Turn the water off.
No, don't call a plumber.
'Cause I can fix it.
No, I'm not paying for a plumber.
I'm coming over right now.
If I say that I'm coming, I'm coming.
Okay, bye.
Well, there goes my morning.
Right, 'cause you had plans.
What are you doing? I want to look nice for Vanessa.
Come here.
I will splash some water on you, too.
It's not a party.
We're fixing something.
Yes, we are.
We are fixing your marriage.
Then we will have a party.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh! I turned the water off.
You can tell your dad to stop texting me.
Hello, Vanessa.
- Hey, Al.
- Where's Hazel? Oh, she's at my folks'.
Oh, I was really hoping to see her.
I just needed a weekend off.
I worked 60 hours this week.
- Riley, massage her feet.
- (SNAPS FINGERS) Al, don't be weird.
I'm-a go check the water heater.
You have a very beautiful home.
Oh, thank you.
Ah, I see that you have the rug I sent you.
Oh, I really love it.
Thanks again.
It looks really nice where you have it in the hallway.
I thought so, too.
(CHUCKLES) But I think it would look even better in the living room.
Um, yeah, maybe.
(LAUGHS) Ah.
Let us see.
Uh, can I get you something? Maybe some tea? Oh, you never have to ask an Afghan if they want tea.
They do.
Traditionally, men get green tea and women are served black tea.
Oh, I don't have any green tea.
Oh, that is okay.
I am confident in my masculinity.
But if you ever serve my Uncle Dawood black tea, he would never come back to your house.
How about I get you some fruit juice? Now, that is a drink for men.
Oh, this looks so much better.
Hmm.
Lose something? Don't worry about it.
Geez.
Hope you find your manners in there.
Why do you got so much stuff in your purse? What am I, a guest on your podcast? I lost Michael's dog tags.
Oh Well, okay, don't worry.
They'll turn up.
Oh, yeah, here they are.
- Oh, really? - No! Well, where'd you lose them? I don't know.
That's what "lost" means.
I'm surprised.
I just never seen you take them off.
I don't.
I had them on last night and I went to the party and then they must have fallen off somewhere.
Well, no problem.
Where was this party? It was out by Walnut Creek.
That's just woods.
Who has a party in the woods? Bad people.
Who do you think? All right.
- Let's go find them.
- There's no way.
- Not without assistance.
- What do you mean? I got a friend.
Walk with me.
Bertha, we need your help.
Your friend is a rifle? That's Emily.
Bertha's my metal detector.
Hello, darling.
There's a reason you're not dating.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, my mother's cousin made this rug.
When Riley told me how special you were, I commissioned him to weave a rug that would be a testament to your love.
- You see these two birds? - Mm-hmm.
That one is you and that one is Riley.
It's very nice.
Flying above the clouds of trouble.
Al, I don't want to put you in the middle of our problems.
Oh, I am already in the middle.
See this little flower between the two birds? That is me.
Do you think you should maybe go check on Riley? No.
(EXHALES) I-I appreciate how much you want to help, but we tried.
We couldn't make it work.
Do you think you tried hard enough? He's the one who didn't try hard enough.
Hmm.
That might be true.
He was probably exhausted from war.
There was a lot of walking.
All he had to do was show me he wanted to be a part of this family and he couldn't.
I can hear how painful that is for you, but I know he still loves you very much.
If he still loves me so much, then why is he sleeping with other women? I'd better go check on Riley.
ART: Okay, here's how it works.
Point at the ground, turn it on.
Beep equals metal.
No beep (CLICKS TONGUE) no metal.
Got it.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
I'm the only one that dances with Bertha.
Now, we got to visualize the woods as a grid of squares measuring one yard by one yard.
None of this meter crap.
Can we please just start? Too bad the ground's not wet.
(SNIFFS) Dry soil is suboptimal for conductivity.
Do you want me to pee on the ground? I did it last night.
I can do it again.
Supposed to rain later.
Maybe we should wait.
- Dad.
- Or now is good.
(LOW WHIRRING) Is that as fast as you can go? Were you even listening to me? We got to be methodical.
(BEEPING) Ha! Did you find them? Bottle cap.
(GRUNTS) Now what? Got to keep a log.
"Bottle cap.
Red square, two alpha".
"1100 hours".
That's how long it's gonna take to find the dog tags.
If we're lucky.
(CHUCKLES) Talk to me, Bertha.
Why the hell are you talking to her about who I'm sleeping with? She brought it up.
Clearly, she is not done with you.
I shouldn't have let you come with me.
Mm.
That was poor judgment on your part.
Now, what about these other women? What about 'em? You have a duty to your wife.
Says who? We're separated.
I can do whatever I want.
I could be with a million women.
The reason he is debasing himself is because there is a beautiful hole in his life in the shape of you.
He told me himself a million women could not fill it.
(SCOFFS) What number is he on now? My point is, he would never look at another woman if he were not tormented by the agony of not being with you.
That is all very moving.
Yes, it is.
But none of it's true.
Why are you acting like the Whore of Babylon? You cheated on her while you were still married.
How can you not be satisfied with her, Riley? Sh-She is kind and smart and beautiful.
You will never do better than her.
I get it.
I screwed up.
She screwed up.
We both made mistakes.
No, just you.
She did nothing wrong, except put a silk rug in a high-traffic area.
You think she's such a saint? Why don't you ask her about Freddy? Who is Freddy? Oh, Freddy is her "friend" who's just "really nice" but doesn't "want anything from her" but he's always there to listen whenever she's got a "problem" with "me".
What is going on with your dancing fingers? I'm just saying, she was awfully cozy with the guy the whole time I was deployed.
I should not be telling you this, but while Riley was fighting thousands of miles away from home, his greatest battle was raging right here, with his own jealous thoughts about you and Freddy.
Ugh.
- God, again with Freddy.
- Ugh! - We've been over this a hundred times.
- Mm-hmm.
He was just a friend, a nice guy, who never once tried anything.
Okay, good.
So I can assure Riley that there is nothing going on with you and Freddy.
Well there wasn't.
(SIGHS): Mm.
We're dating now.
Does Riley know? Does Riley know what? You know, this is your own private, personal business.
I do not want to meddle in the affairs of a husband and wife.
Just tell me.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Al asked me if I was dating Freddy, and I said yes.
I knew it.
No, you knew nothing.
This only started since we were separated.
It's not like you haven't had your fun.
Yeah, but Freddy? Seriously, of all the guys in the world, you picked that guy? Suddenly you have nothing to say? I mean, that dude was always waiting to swoop in, and you assured me, "No, Riley, it isn't like that.
We just hang out".
Yeah, because when I said it, it was true.
Well news flash no guy likes to just hang out with you.
- Excuse me? - No, no, what he means is, they do like to hang out with you but they want more.
Don't help.
Do better.
My daughter lives here, okay, so you can't just have random guys coming and going whenever you want.
No, Freddy has known Hazel since she was a baby.
He held her in the hospital.
You mean the way I didn't 'cause I was fighting a war? You know that's not what I meant.
Of course he knew that.
- Shut up, Al! - Stay out of this.
All right.
Now you are sounding like a team.
(RAPID BEEPING) Ugh.
Another bottle cap.
Yup, they are the weeds of metal detecting.
See you in an hour.
I'm such an idiot.
How do you lose something that hangs around your neck? Well, if I was trying to be funny, I'd say Nothing.
After he died, his mom gave them to me.
Don't worry.
We're gonna find 'em.
We've been walking back and forth for three hours.
All we found is garbage.
Well, now we know where they're not.
I call that progress.
This is hopeless.
Just put that stupid thing away.
Hey, don't yell at Bertha.
She's not the one that got hammered and lost her fiancé's dog tags.
- (CRIES) - Ah, geez.
Ah, don't cry.
I Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(CRYING): Michael would be so disappointed in me.
Absolutely not.
He loved you.
Yeah, when I had a full ride to NYU and my worst habit was leaving my keys in the front door.
Ah, Lizzie, hey, look at me, look at me.
- (SNIFFLES) - This is just a rough patch.
You'll get through it.
When? Boy, that's a good question.
(EXHALES) Can I ask you something? Can I stop you? Why would you risk your marriage for these other women? I don't know, man.
I was just just chasing a feeling.
What does that mean? You're looking for some deep answer, Al, but I got none.
All right, I did a bunch of dumb things for no reason.
Oh, and heads up I'm still doing 'em.
Hmm.
Riley jaan, I have been in many moments with you.
Life-and-death moments.
And you always knew what to do.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) Well now I don't.
(CLEARS THROAT) I love Vanessa, I don't love her.
I'm texting with some chick I barely know, and then I ghost her.
One day, I can't get out of bed.
The next, I got to ride my motorcycle as fast as it'll go.
You have a motorcycle? I have pieces of motorcycle and a titanium screw in my shoulder.
You know how everybody thinks they're the hero of their movie? I don't think I am.
I don't even know what the movie is anymore.
I know exactly what movie you're in.
It is Christmas Eve and you are in the Nakatomi building.
You are having trouble with your wife, but you will walk barefoot through broken glass to save her.
And I am your secret weapon.
I am the gun taped to the back of your neck.
Yippie-kai-yay, Mr.
Trucker.
Is that what you think he said? I had it on VHS.
Sound was not great.
I remember when Michael came to the house and asked my permission to marry you.
(CHUCKLES) Old school.
Brought me a box of steaks.
There's still one in the freezer.
Can't bring myself to eat it.
I know how much you love red meat, so that means a lot.
"Red Zulu Niner.
1730 hours.
All clear".
(GROANS SOFTLY) The old L3 is acting up.
You want to stop? No.
I just want to sit down a second.
Then we'll sweep that section by the rock.
- (SIGHS) - Hey, you doing all right? Me? (LAUGHS) Never better.
A couple of mai tais, it's my dream vacation.
We can call it now and come back in the morning.
No way.
I got a bottle of Advil in the truck, and old Bertha here can see in the dark.
All right, then let's stop for me.
Really? Yeah.
I'm exhausted.
Oh, thank goodness.
"Operation suspended until further notice".
Ah, geez, you're writing in cursive? What is this, your secret diary? Ugh.
Come on.
I'm not ready for another round.
Me, neither.
Just here to finish the job.
- Come in.
- Thanks.
Where's Al? Oh, I didn't want him to come with me, so I told him I was going to a pork restaurant.
That's terrible.
Oh, you moved the rug back.
If you have any feelings left for me at all, don't tell him.
Tell him what? - Hey.
- Hi.
I brought you a beer.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
(SIGHS) You know that thing I said earlier about how nobody wants to hang out with you I was just mad.
Everybody likes to hang out with you.
You're just really great.
Thanks.
And I know I probably should have told you about Freddy earlier.
I just Thought I'd lose it? Yeah.
You know me well.
- Also, I hate when you're right.
- (SCOFFS) It doesn't happen much.
Does, um, Hazel know about you and him? Uh, no.
It's still pretty new.
But she's doing okay? Other than wanting to be like her dad when she grows up, she's doing great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
She quit Girl Scouts when she found out - there was no target practice.
- (LAUGHS) That's my girl.
This is nice.
I've enjoyed these two minutes of not fighting with you.
Me, too.
I don't think we should have sex, though.
You're impossible.
Well, you don't ask, you don't get.
Why did you take a metal detector instead of a giant magnet? What? Then all of the metal would fly out of the ground right to you.
Sure.
And-and then, we could have painted a door on the side of a boulder, opened it and been home.
What is she talking about? Road Runner and Coyote.
Who here speaks English? Methodical! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You found them?! - Yeah, I couldn't sleep.
- Oh I heard the rain.
I knew I had my window of peak conductivity.
- Where were they? - Get this.
Orange Bravo Seven.
Of course.
That's where I threw up.
- Hmm.
- Thanks, Dad.
And? Thank you, Bertha.
All right.
You don't have to get weird.
- (LAUGHTER) - Okay, okay.
- So, we're flying low level with NVGs - for a CSAR pickup in enemy territory, right? Suddenly, these tracers start zipping over our heads.
I look back, and this clown is miming the drum solo to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".
(IMITATES DRUM FILL) (LAUGHTER) All right, I want to make a toast to Lizzie and Michael.
- Aw.
- I've known you both for so long my sister and my buddy, second in line to be my best friend.
- Riley! - What? Kenny's got a boat.
- Oh, come on.
- Anyways, I don't want to get too sappy, but now you guys are engaged, and I feel sorry for the both of you.
- Uh cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, man.
- Cheers.
You guys should get the house across the street from us and just have, like, a million babies.
And you and me we're gonna start that security company and get rich.
You're already rich with that officer money.
Real money.
Boat money.
If you buy a boat, Kenny's out.
(LAUGHTER) Okay, well, if you guys will excuse us, we're gonna go to the restroom and talk about you guys behind your backs.
Oh, have fun.
(SIGHS) Are we the two luckiest guys in the world or what?