United We Fall (2020) s01e02 Episode Script
The Biter
1
Come on, Emily.
Time to go.
Oh, my God.
It's 7:05!
How is it so early
and we're already so late?
Phone.
Where's my phone?
Where's my phone?
Babe, I'm sorry.
I can't pretend to care
where your phone is right now.
Hon, call it, please.
Okay.
Hey,
where's my phone?
Jo?
Jo, where's my phone?
Really, babe?
I need it!
I need ‐‐ Mom, Mom.
[ Whistles ]
Could you call my phone,
please?
Yeah. It's ringing.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Shut up!
Everyone shut up!
Oop. Got it.
Call mine.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Wa‐ah!
Ooh!
Good morning.
Mom, could you at least help us
get Emily's shoes on, please?
Yeah, I‐I‐I would love to,
but ‐‐
[ Retches, spits ]
I'm very busy.
Busy being disgusting
or?
No! [ Laughs ]
No, I'm harvesting
my saliva.
I'm doing it for
an Ancestry DNA kit.
They take three
test tubes of spit
and weave together the tapestry
of your heritage.
Weave the what?
Bill,
get the lunches, please.
Emily,
put your shoes on.
Why?
Because
we have to go to school.
I don't want
to go to school!
I don't want to do anything
I'm doing, so
Fine, if you don't want to
put on your shoes,
Mommy will just
put them on for you.
[ Screams ]
I'm not even
touching you.
[ Singsong voice ]
Carpool's here!
It is
way too early for that.
Early?
It's 7:09.
I've already taken 30,000 steps
and read the Bible.
And I fixed your mailbox
on the way in.
I was gonna get to that
this weekend.
Yeah, well, it was on
my "to‐do for you list."
And I know you don't
respect breakfast,
so I brought over
some organic granola.
Thank you.
Sometimes
you're a nice brother.
It's for Sandy.
Thank you, Chuy.
I'm sure I'll enjoy it
as soon as
I replenish my saliva.
Mm.
Chuy,
you are an inspiration.
Honestly, I don't know
why these two
can't get out the door
in the morning.
Well, behind every man is a
great woman just doing it all.
You know, my wife, Brie.
Hey, Bill?
It's too bad
Jo can't do it all.
Right, Bill?
I'm gonna
go get my bag.
Oh, Bill, Bill, can you get
the check for the day care?
Wait,
what did you just say?
The check for the ‐‐
Day care?
My beautiful goddaughter's
in day care?
[ Spits ]
Exactly!
This child is a genius.
She needs to
be in preschool.
Well,
good reason she's not.
We forgot to apply.
[ Scoffs ]
You forgot?
Well, you know how it is
with your second kid ‐‐
sort of forget
you have them?
Alright, so, Lulu's just gonna
rot for a year
with a bunch of
dum‐dum babies?
Hey, hey!
Some of them
are toddlers.
Okay,
I will fix this.
I'll put in a word with
Rainbow Beginnings.
It's where my kids went,
and they're perfect.
These kids aren't.
Yeah, thanks, Chuy, but we can
take care of our own kids.
Let's go.
Bill, get the stroller.
Okay.
[ Chuy laughs ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Keys clatter ]
Oh, my God.
It's 7:05.
How is it so early
and feels so late?
So, is there just
always traffic now?
Is that it?
Let's homeschool
the kids.
[ Chuckles ]
Because of traffic?
Maybe.
What's for dinner?
[ Sighs ]
Why does there have to be dinner
every night?
Do you think there's
any chance in the world
your mom
made dinner for us?
I just had
the most wonderful dinner.
I'm so glad I took that
cooking‐for‐one class.
Oh, yum!
We can't keep going across town
every day
for the next three years.
Maybe you should
take Chuy up on his advice.
I mean, I looked at the website
for Rainbow Beginnings,
and it looks like
a terrific preschool.
And it's a block away
from Emily's school.
It is?
Anyway, I'm dying
to get my test results back
from the DNA thing.
I know we're Irish,
but this is an Italian nose.
Somebody had an affair.
Asurgent as that is,
babe, how did we not know that
Rainbow Beginnings is so close?
We got to do this.
I mean,
it's one drop‐off.
That's the dream.
Do we
dare to dream?
I had penne
for dinner.
Oh, fun fact!
"Penne" means "penis"!
Who knew?!
Shh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
Sweetheart,
with one drop‐off,
I could actually
get to work on time.
You know, they never promote me
'cause I always show up sweaty,
and, you knowthey never
promote the sweaty guy.
Yes, but Lulu loves it
where she is.
I mean,
she's made friends.
True, true. Pulling her out
right now would be traumatic.
You're right.
Eh. We never get to see
our friends. Why should she?
Let's do it.
I think you're making
a wonderful decision.
Awww!
Well, the fact that you're
on board makes me hate it,
but we're still
gonna do it.
We're gonna do it.
♪♪
Wow. Ms. Molina,
this place is gorgeous.
The little desks
and the little chairs.
It's like
a little school.
It is.
It is a preschool.
That is,
without a doubt,
the finest sandbox
I have ever seen.
Thank you.
And, of course,
we take safety very seriously.
Obviously,
this is a nut‐free zone.
Oh, well,
that might be a problem
because Lulu is
a bit of a nut.
[ Laughs ]
Nuts can kill
some of our students.
Yeah, Jo, come on.
Excuse me.
So, I hope
you know isn't intimidated.
This is a big step.
I know. I know.
It's all kind of
hitting me, you know?
She's not a baby anymore,
and, uh,
we're not ‐‐
not having any more babies.
Dear God, no.
No. That's it.
It's like
no more babies.
[ Voice breaking ]
I love babies.
Ooh. Sorry.
Well, you're in
the system now, Lulu.
It's over.
Good luck.
LuluI know this place
is big and scary,
but you know what?
In a few days, you're gonna
make some friends and ‐‐
Bye!
[ Screams ]
That bitch.
Doesn't she know how emotionally
fragile we are right now?
[ Sighs ]
So, now what?
Well, now we walk Emily
next door to her school,
and we have 45 minutes
until work starts,
so maybe we have a
[ Gasps ]
[ Techno music plays ]
Car party!
[ Music stops ]
I have been
staring at my phone
for eight solid minutes
without anyone interrupting.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, did you know
that we had a new President?
Reaction
is real mixed.
I cannot wait
to waste this time every day!
I'm not gonna do
anything responsible.
Uhp! Score.
Half‐eaten baggie of Goldfish.
Ooh, gimme!
Mmm!
Ohh!
Mm. Here, catch.
Oh.
There we go.
This is
our best date ever.
Oh, God.
That's sad.
No, this is amazing.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh.
It's the preschool.
Hello?
Okay.
Okay.
What's happening?
Shh!
Okay, thank you.
We will be right in.
Thank you.
What happened?
Lulu bit Casper.
So
Casper is a child?
Someone chose to
name their childCasper?
Guessing you've heard all
the "friendly ghost" jokes ‐‐
I've heard them.
I mean, they're kids.
Biting's a thing
that happens, right?
It's not
that big a deal.
Mommy!
Oh, my God!
We're also learning
about cherries.
[ Gasps ] Oh.
[ Sighing ] Okay.
♪♪
[ Keys clatter ]
Oh, good.
You're home.
Doesn't this look
exactly like me?
Bill: Ohh.
Hitting the wine
a little early tonight, huh?
I'm telling you,
we're Italian.
That explains
why I love pasta.
Definitely explains
why I love penne.
Because I told you last night
that "penne" means ‐‐
‐Yeah, yeah, we got it!
‐Would you stop talking, please?
penis.
[ Thud ]
How was Lulu's first day?
Oh, it was amazing.
It was really, really great.
So good! [ Laughs ]
We're not gonna tell her
about the biting, right?
Oh, never.
Her or Chuy.
Sandy: Oh, my God!
Hopefully, that just means we're
related to Pacino or something.
I just found this
in Lulu's bag.
It says she's a‐a
a biter?
"Incident report"?
Well, the school
already told us.
They also have to
write her up?
This thing
is eight pages long!
There's
recommended reading?
How did we
end up with homework?
They never did this kind of
thing at Emily's preschool.
Yeah, the only time
they ever called us
was when
our check bounced.
The pictures from the security
cameras are very disturbing.
Lulu looks up at the camera
and laughs.
I think she bit Casper
for a thrill.
Mom, kids bite, okay?
It's fine.
Well, you did have
that "rubbing yourself
against blocks" incident
in the first grade.
Mom!
What?
No, I‐II was
cleaning them
on my pants.
You know,
your dad was a biter.
Not that I didn't enjoy it
from time to time ‐‐
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop!
A biter?
A biter?!
How do you know?
I'm on the board.
I get every incident report.
Why?
[ Sighs ]
This needs to be handled.
Okay.
Okay, uhLulu doesn't have
our last name.
She has Bill's last name,
so that's good.
Um, I can
call in some favors.
We can steal
the footage.
And we need to
go on the attack.
We are gonna
destroy Casper.
I was thinking
exactly the same thing.
Oh, you are as wise
as you are beautiful.
Oh, Chuy.
Can we have
a snack?
Okay.
Could you two give us a sec
so we could talk to Lulu?
Orjust stay right there.
Whatever.
Hey, Lulu?
Today you did something
that wasnot okay.
I don't think
that really sunk in.
Mom, please?
Lulu, you bit Casper,
and that's a no‐no.
Okay?
We don't bite, okay?
Look.
Rrrrnh!
No.
Rrrrnh!
That's a no.
Blapo do.
"Blapo do"
means "okay."
Blah‐bleep dookey do.
Blah‐bleep dookey do.
She's got it.
Bah‐bleep do‐do‐do.
[ Laughs ]
What ‐‐
What does that mean?
It's a sick burn.
So, that's handled.
♪♪
Hey, Ms. Molina.
Thank you so much
for the incident report.
We did all
the recommended reading.
Supes interesting.
[ Chuckles ]
I actually tapped out
around 2:00 a. m.,
but I get the gist ‐‐
biting bad.
Great.
And obviously,
Lulu is new.
It's normal to have
bumps in the road.
Thank you so much
for understanding.
Just let us know if there's
anything else you need from us.
Alright.
Wait.
Where are you going?
To work.
To work.
To stop biting behavior,
you need to catch it in action
and redirect it.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Well,
good luck catching it.
And redirecting it.
And the parents need to do
the observing and redirecting
for it to be
most effective.
This was all
in the recommended reading.
It was?
Yeah, Bill.
[ Scoffs ]
Let me get this straight ‐‐
instead of going to work,
you want us to
stay here and watch our kid?
At the place we thought we were
paying to watch our kid?
Thank you!
♪♪
[ Kids screaming ]
Hey.
How'd the first shift go?
It was the world's
most boring stakeout.
Four hours of
absolutely nothing.
Although, a good portion of that
was a nap.
Oh, so,
the kids napped already?
Sure. Yeah.
Let's say it was them.
Babe, I can't believe
this is happening.
You know, Emily was supposed to
be the weird one
and Lulu was easy.
I know.
Now the easy one is the
psycho one
and the weird one is
well,
still the weird one.
Ms. Molina: Lulu!
Maybe there's two Lulus?
There has been a second,
more disturbing incident.
So, she killed someone
or?
♪♪
Lulu kissed Casper.
My son was kissed!
Kissed.
These are Casper's parents,
Kendra and Casper Senior.
[ Snorts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Coughs ]
[ Grunts ]
They have asked
to have a dialogue.
Last night,
Casper was so upset,
he couldn't even
eat his vegetables.
Yeah,
that sounds unrelated.
He's vegan.
He's literally starving.
Was probably
starving before.
Hello.
They're just children.
I mean, come on.
Haven't you guys been through
this with your other kids?
Um, we care about
the environment,
so Casper is our only child,
and ‐‐
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
So ‐‐ Okay ‐‐
So, you guys don't know
anything? Okay.
I'm sorry?
Eh, it's alright.
No need to apologize.
Look, why don't we just
keep Casper and Lulu
away from each other,
okay?
Well, not okay, because Lulu is
Casper's only friend.
What is happening?
It's the process.
We'd like to engage in
regular mediation sessions,
and in a few months,
when we finish ‐‐
Months?
Whoa, whoa.
We can't do that.
We work.
Have you heard of that?
Work?
Yes.
We've heard of that.
[ Chuckles ]
Then why don't you
have to do it?
My great‐grandfather
invented straws.
And I married him.
Okay, that does seem like
a lot of work, actually.
Let's keep the focus
on the children.
Here's what happened ‐‐
Lulu had Magna‐Tiles.
Casper wanted them,
he tried to take them,
so she bit him.
She was just
protecting herself.
Au contraire!
Lulu aggressively invaded
Casper's space by kissing him.
If she was a CEO,
she would be fired.
Maybe not.
No, no, no, no.
That's up to the shareholders.
Will you listen to us?
We all sound stupid!
Often, the process
does not
sound smart.
Look, all kids
are psycho, okay?
I took the day off
to learn that
Roberto eats sand,
Julia picks her nose,
Felix cleans the blocks
on his pants.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
I‐I should be at work.
Okay?
I don't believe
we've finished.
Uh, I'm sorry,
but all we want from preschool
is to drop our kid off
and pick her up.
Right, and we ask, "How was
school?" and she says, "Good,"
and that's it.
Yeah, and then ‐‐
and then we're ‐‐
we're like, "Oh, come on,
something must have happened."
And she's like, "Why do you guys
need to know everything?
Get off my back!"
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and then ‐‐ and then she,
like, storms up to her room,
and we're like,
"What the hell's her problem?"
And then we don't know what
to do, so we say something like,
"Hey! No vaping!"
That's it!
Okay?
We just want
12 years of that!
Normal stuff!
Right, normal.
Okay?
Normal!
You know, just normal.
Normal!
You know,
like a normal life,
like normal people
would ‐‐
Normal!!
‐You know, normal ‐‐
‐Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can I see you
in the time‐out tent?
[ Whispering ]
You're in trouble.
♪♪
Thank. You. For. That.
What?
So,
we're not in trouble?
Because that little rat
with the mustache
said we were in trouble.
The parents get worse
every year.
Biting is totally
age‐appropriate.
But these parents get way too
involved in their kids' lives.
Ah, well, you never have to
worry about that with us.
Get out of here
and go to work.
We don't need to talk
for the rest of the year.
[ Gasps ]
Really?
Yeah.
I like kids.
But I hate parents.
No offense.
Are you kidding?
We hate parents, too!
I was so worried because
you're Chuy's sister.
He is
Oh, yeah, he is.
And I've got
nine brothers.
He's the best one.
He always makes us feel bad
'cause his kids are perfect.
Perfect? Ha.
One of them
used to poop in the cubby.
We are gonna be
best friends.
Anyway,
will you do me a favor
and look really upset
when we leave the tent?
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a good fake crier.
Fake?
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
We got reamed.
Yeah, we learned
a big lesson today.
[ Whispering ] We didn't
learn a lesson at all.
♪♪
Well, the biter's down.
What about the weirdo?
She wouldn't
brush her teeth,
and then she drew a spider
on her face.
Eh, we'll wash it off
in the morning.
With a Sharpie.
Does it look cool?
Nope.
I have
terrible news.
Uh‐oh.
What happened?
We're not Italian.
We're Dutch!
I'm‐a so sad!
Ohhh!
Ohh!
[ Sobbing ]
Mom,
you're crushing my penne.
Oh! I'm so ‐‐
♪♪
Yeah!
Come on, Emily.
Time to go.
Oh, my God.
It's 7:05!
How is it so early
and we're already so late?
Phone.
Where's my phone?
Where's my phone?
Babe, I'm sorry.
I can't pretend to care
where your phone is right now.
Hon, call it, please.
Okay.
Hey,
where's my phone?
Jo?
Jo, where's my phone?
Really, babe?
I need it!
I need ‐‐ Mom, Mom.
[ Whistles ]
Could you call my phone,
please?
Yeah. It's ringing.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Shut up!
Everyone shut up!
Oop. Got it.
Call mine.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
Wa‐ah!
Ooh!
Good morning.
Mom, could you at least help us
get Emily's shoes on, please?
Yeah, I‐I‐I would love to,
but ‐‐
[ Retches, spits ]
I'm very busy.
Busy being disgusting
or?
No! [ Laughs ]
No, I'm harvesting
my saliva.
I'm doing it for
an Ancestry DNA kit.
They take three
test tubes of spit
and weave together the tapestry
of your heritage.
Weave the what?
Bill,
get the lunches, please.
Emily,
put your shoes on.
Why?
Because
we have to go to school.
I don't want
to go to school!
I don't want to do anything
I'm doing, so
Fine, if you don't want to
put on your shoes,
Mommy will just
put them on for you.
[ Screams ]
I'm not even
touching you.
[ Singsong voice ]
Carpool's here!
It is
way too early for that.
Early?
It's 7:09.
I've already taken 30,000 steps
and read the Bible.
And I fixed your mailbox
on the way in.
I was gonna get to that
this weekend.
Yeah, well, it was on
my "to‐do for you list."
And I know you don't
respect breakfast,
so I brought over
some organic granola.
Thank you.
Sometimes
you're a nice brother.
It's for Sandy.
Thank you, Chuy.
I'm sure I'll enjoy it
as soon as
I replenish my saliva.
Mm.
Chuy,
you are an inspiration.
Honestly, I don't know
why these two
can't get out the door
in the morning.
Well, behind every man is a
great woman just doing it all.
You know, my wife, Brie.
Hey, Bill?
It's too bad
Jo can't do it all.
Right, Bill?
I'm gonna
go get my bag.
Oh, Bill, Bill, can you get
the check for the day care?
Wait,
what did you just say?
The check for the ‐‐
Day care?
My beautiful goddaughter's
in day care?
[ Spits ]
Exactly!
This child is a genius.
She needs to
be in preschool.
Well,
good reason she's not.
We forgot to apply.
[ Scoffs ]
You forgot?
Well, you know how it is
with your second kid ‐‐
sort of forget
you have them?
Alright, so, Lulu's just gonna
rot for a year
with a bunch of
dum‐dum babies?
Hey, hey!
Some of them
are toddlers.
Okay,
I will fix this.
I'll put in a word with
Rainbow Beginnings.
It's where my kids went,
and they're perfect.
These kids aren't.
Yeah, thanks, Chuy, but we can
take care of our own kids.
Let's go.
Bill, get the stroller.
Okay.
[ Chuy laughs ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Keys clatter ]
Oh, my God.
It's 7:05.
How is it so early
and feels so late?
So, is there just
always traffic now?
Is that it?
Let's homeschool
the kids.
[ Chuckles ]
Because of traffic?
Maybe.
What's for dinner?
[ Sighs ]
Why does there have to be dinner
every night?
Do you think there's
any chance in the world
your mom
made dinner for us?
I just had
the most wonderful dinner.
I'm so glad I took that
cooking‐for‐one class.
Oh, yum!
We can't keep going across town
every day
for the next three years.
Maybe you should
take Chuy up on his advice.
I mean, I looked at the website
for Rainbow Beginnings,
and it looks like
a terrific preschool.
And it's a block away
from Emily's school.
It is?
Anyway, I'm dying
to get my test results back
from the DNA thing.
I know we're Irish,
but this is an Italian nose.
Somebody had an affair.
Asurgent as that is,
babe, how did we not know that
Rainbow Beginnings is so close?
We got to do this.
I mean,
it's one drop‐off.
That's the dream.
Do we
dare to dream?
I had penne
for dinner.
Oh, fun fact!
"Penne" means "penis"!
Who knew?!
Shh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
Sweetheart,
with one drop‐off,
I could actually
get to work on time.
You know, they never promote me
'cause I always show up sweaty,
and, you knowthey never
promote the sweaty guy.
Yes, but Lulu loves it
where she is.
I mean,
she's made friends.
True, true. Pulling her out
right now would be traumatic.
You're right.
Eh. We never get to see
our friends. Why should she?
Let's do it.
I think you're making
a wonderful decision.
Awww!
Well, the fact that you're
on board makes me hate it,
but we're still
gonna do it.
We're gonna do it.
♪♪
Wow. Ms. Molina,
this place is gorgeous.
The little desks
and the little chairs.
It's like
a little school.
It is.
It is a preschool.
That is,
without a doubt,
the finest sandbox
I have ever seen.
Thank you.
And, of course,
we take safety very seriously.
Obviously,
this is a nut‐free zone.
Oh, well,
that might be a problem
because Lulu is
a bit of a nut.
[ Laughs ]
Nuts can kill
some of our students.
Yeah, Jo, come on.
Excuse me.
So, I hope
you know isn't intimidated.
This is a big step.
I know. I know.
It's all kind of
hitting me, you know?
She's not a baby anymore,
and, uh,
we're not ‐‐
not having any more babies.
Dear God, no.
No. That's it.
It's like
no more babies.
[ Voice breaking ]
I love babies.
Ooh. Sorry.
Well, you're in
the system now, Lulu.
It's over.
Good luck.
LuluI know this place
is big and scary,
but you know what?
In a few days, you're gonna
make some friends and ‐‐
Bye!
[ Screams ]
That bitch.
Doesn't she know how emotionally
fragile we are right now?
[ Sighs ]
So, now what?
Well, now we walk Emily
next door to her school,
and we have 45 minutes
until work starts,
so maybe we have a
[ Gasps ]
[ Techno music plays ]
Car party!
[ Music stops ]
I have been
staring at my phone
for eight solid minutes
without anyone interrupting.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, did you know
that we had a new President?
Reaction
is real mixed.
I cannot wait
to waste this time every day!
I'm not gonna do
anything responsible.
Uhp! Score.
Half‐eaten baggie of Goldfish.
Ooh, gimme!
Mmm!
Ohh!
Mm. Here, catch.
Oh.
There we go.
This is
our best date ever.
Oh, God.
That's sad.
No, this is amazing.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Oh.
It's the preschool.
Hello?
Okay.
Okay.
What's happening?
Shh!
Okay, thank you.
We will be right in.
Thank you.
What happened?
Lulu bit Casper.
So
Casper is a child?
Someone chose to
name their childCasper?
Guessing you've heard all
the "friendly ghost" jokes ‐‐
I've heard them.
I mean, they're kids.
Biting's a thing
that happens, right?
It's not
that big a deal.
Mommy!
Oh, my God!
We're also learning
about cherries.
[ Gasps ] Oh.
[ Sighing ] Okay.
♪♪
[ Keys clatter ]
Oh, good.
You're home.
Doesn't this look
exactly like me?
Bill: Ohh.
Hitting the wine
a little early tonight, huh?
I'm telling you,
we're Italian.
That explains
why I love pasta.
Definitely explains
why I love penne.
Because I told you last night
that "penne" means ‐‐
‐Yeah, yeah, we got it!
‐Would you stop talking, please?
penis.
[ Thud ]
How was Lulu's first day?
Oh, it was amazing.
It was really, really great.
So good! [ Laughs ]
We're not gonna tell her
about the biting, right?
Oh, never.
Her or Chuy.
Sandy: Oh, my God!
Hopefully, that just means we're
related to Pacino or something.
I just found this
in Lulu's bag.
It says she's a‐a
a biter?
"Incident report"?
Well, the school
already told us.
They also have to
write her up?
This thing
is eight pages long!
There's
recommended reading?
How did we
end up with homework?
They never did this kind of
thing at Emily's preschool.
Yeah, the only time
they ever called us
was when
our check bounced.
The pictures from the security
cameras are very disturbing.
Lulu looks up at the camera
and laughs.
I think she bit Casper
for a thrill.
Mom, kids bite, okay?
It's fine.
Well, you did have
that "rubbing yourself
against blocks" incident
in the first grade.
Mom!
What?
No, I‐II was
cleaning them
on my pants.
You know,
your dad was a biter.
Not that I didn't enjoy it
from time to time ‐‐
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop!
A biter?
A biter?!
How do you know?
I'm on the board.
I get every incident report.
Why?
[ Sighs ]
This needs to be handled.
Okay.
Okay, uhLulu doesn't have
our last name.
She has Bill's last name,
so that's good.
Um, I can
call in some favors.
We can steal
the footage.
And we need to
go on the attack.
We are gonna
destroy Casper.
I was thinking
exactly the same thing.
Oh, you are as wise
as you are beautiful.
Oh, Chuy.
Can we have
a snack?
Okay.
Could you two give us a sec
so we could talk to Lulu?
Orjust stay right there.
Whatever.
Hey, Lulu?
Today you did something
that wasnot okay.
I don't think
that really sunk in.
Mom, please?
Lulu, you bit Casper,
and that's a no‐no.
Okay?
We don't bite, okay?
Look.
Rrrrnh!
No.
Rrrrnh!
That's a no.
Blapo do.
"Blapo do"
means "okay."
Blah‐bleep dookey do.
Blah‐bleep dookey do.
She's got it.
Bah‐bleep do‐do‐do.
[ Laughs ]
What ‐‐
What does that mean?
It's a sick burn.
So, that's handled.
♪♪
Hey, Ms. Molina.
Thank you so much
for the incident report.
We did all
the recommended reading.
Supes interesting.
[ Chuckles ]
I actually tapped out
around 2:00 a. m.,
but I get the gist ‐‐
biting bad.
Great.
And obviously,
Lulu is new.
It's normal to have
bumps in the road.
Thank you so much
for understanding.
Just let us know if there's
anything else you need from us.
Alright.
Wait.
Where are you going?
To work.
To work.
To stop biting behavior,
you need to catch it in action
and redirect it.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Well,
good luck catching it.
And redirecting it.
And the parents need to do
the observing and redirecting
for it to be
most effective.
This was all
in the recommended reading.
It was?
Yeah, Bill.
[ Scoffs ]
Let me get this straight ‐‐
instead of going to work,
you want us to
stay here and watch our kid?
At the place we thought we were
paying to watch our kid?
Thank you!
♪♪
[ Kids screaming ]
Hey.
How'd the first shift go?
It was the world's
most boring stakeout.
Four hours of
absolutely nothing.
Although, a good portion of that
was a nap.
Oh, so,
the kids napped already?
Sure. Yeah.
Let's say it was them.
Babe, I can't believe
this is happening.
You know, Emily was supposed to
be the weird one
and Lulu was easy.
I know.
Now the easy one is the
psycho one
and the weird one is
well,
still the weird one.
Ms. Molina: Lulu!
Maybe there's two Lulus?
There has been a second,
more disturbing incident.
So, she killed someone
or?
♪♪
Lulu kissed Casper.
My son was kissed!
Kissed.
These are Casper's parents,
Kendra and Casper Senior.
[ Snorts ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Coughs ]
[ Grunts ]
They have asked
to have a dialogue.
Last night,
Casper was so upset,
he couldn't even
eat his vegetables.
Yeah,
that sounds unrelated.
He's vegan.
He's literally starving.
Was probably
starving before.
Hello.
They're just children.
I mean, come on.
Haven't you guys been through
this with your other kids?
Um, we care about
the environment,
so Casper is our only child,
and ‐‐
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
So ‐‐ Okay ‐‐
So, you guys don't know
anything? Okay.
I'm sorry?
Eh, it's alright.
No need to apologize.
Look, why don't we just
keep Casper and Lulu
away from each other,
okay?
Well, not okay, because Lulu is
Casper's only friend.
What is happening?
It's the process.
We'd like to engage in
regular mediation sessions,
and in a few months,
when we finish ‐‐
Months?
Whoa, whoa.
We can't do that.
We work.
Have you heard of that?
Work?
Yes.
We've heard of that.
[ Chuckles ]
Then why don't you
have to do it?
My great‐grandfather
invented straws.
And I married him.
Okay, that does seem like
a lot of work, actually.
Let's keep the focus
on the children.
Here's what happened ‐‐
Lulu had Magna‐Tiles.
Casper wanted them,
he tried to take them,
so she bit him.
She was just
protecting herself.
Au contraire!
Lulu aggressively invaded
Casper's space by kissing him.
If she was a CEO,
she would be fired.
Maybe not.
No, no, no, no.
That's up to the shareholders.
Will you listen to us?
We all sound stupid!
Often, the process
does not
sound smart.
Look, all kids
are psycho, okay?
I took the day off
to learn that
Roberto eats sand,
Julia picks her nose,
Felix cleans the blocks
on his pants.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
I‐I should be at work.
Okay?
I don't believe
we've finished.
Uh, I'm sorry,
but all we want from preschool
is to drop our kid off
and pick her up.
Right, and we ask, "How was
school?" and she says, "Good,"
and that's it.
Yeah, and then ‐‐
and then we're ‐‐
we're like, "Oh, come on,
something must have happened."
And she's like, "Why do you guys
need to know everything?
Get off my back!"
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and then ‐‐ and then she,
like, storms up to her room,
and we're like,
"What the hell's her problem?"
And then we don't know what
to do, so we say something like,
"Hey! No vaping!"
That's it!
Okay?
We just want
12 years of that!
Normal stuff!
Right, normal.
Okay?
Normal!
You know, just normal.
Normal!
You know,
like a normal life,
like normal people
would ‐‐
Normal!!
‐You know, normal ‐‐
‐Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can I see you
in the time‐out tent?
[ Whispering ]
You're in trouble.
♪♪
Thank. You. For. That.
What?
So,
we're not in trouble?
Because that little rat
with the mustache
said we were in trouble.
The parents get worse
every year.
Biting is totally
age‐appropriate.
But these parents get way too
involved in their kids' lives.
Ah, well, you never have to
worry about that with us.
Get out of here
and go to work.
We don't need to talk
for the rest of the year.
[ Gasps ]
Really?
Yeah.
I like kids.
But I hate parents.
No offense.
Are you kidding?
We hate parents, too!
I was so worried because
you're Chuy's sister.
He is
Oh, yeah, he is.
And I've got
nine brothers.
He's the best one.
He always makes us feel bad
'cause his kids are perfect.
Perfect? Ha.
One of them
used to poop in the cubby.
We are gonna be
best friends.
Anyway,
will you do me a favor
and look really upset
when we leave the tent?
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a good fake crier.
Fake?
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
We got reamed.
Yeah, we learned
a big lesson today.
[ Whispering ] We didn't
learn a lesson at all.
♪♪
Well, the biter's down.
What about the weirdo?
She wouldn't
brush her teeth,
and then she drew a spider
on her face.
Eh, we'll wash it off
in the morning.
With a Sharpie.
Does it look cool?
Nope.
I have
terrible news.
Uh‐oh.
What happened?
We're not Italian.
We're Dutch!
I'm‐a so sad!
Ohhh!
Ohh!
[ Sobbing ]
Mom,
you're crushing my penne.
Oh! I'm so ‐‐
♪♪
Yeah!