Universal Basic Guys (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[seagulls]
Here, fishy-fishy.
No, no, Hank. Gotta
hold it steady, okay?
Fish these days are smart.
They know when a worm
is dancing too much.
Oh, I think I got a bite, Mark!
Fish on! Fish on!
Okay, stay calm. Pull
against the drag!
Pump and wind!
Got him.
Hell yeah, Hank! Nice job buddy.
Oh we're eating
good tonight, Mark.
[boat motor]
Yooo,
Hoagies!
Ugh, great.
The one thing that can
ruin a nice fishing day.
Steve frickin' DelVecchio.
What's up Steve?
Oh you know. We're
just getting back
from a little fishing
trip with the boys.
The tug is the drug,
you know what I mean?
Oh yeah.
Wait.
Is that an earthworm?
They're using
earthworms for bait.
What?
Perfectly good bait.
Freshwater bait, Hoagies. C'mon.
Maybe try some squid strips.
Or maybe those little guys.
You wanna see a real fish?
Nah I'm good.
Yeah.
Pfft! Those even edible?
Bluefin tuna?
Wagyu of the sea, my guy.
Yeah, it's no marlin but,
yeah it's something, I guess.
Oh yeah?
You're catching marlin?
With worms? Pfft.
All the time. In fact,
I gotta get more
walls in my house
just to mount them on.
Sure, Hoagies.
Enjoy your widdle fishies.
Maybe you can mount
'em on your dollhouse.
[boat engine and waves]
Damnit.
Man, these fish are smart.
[♪]
Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory.
Until them
robots came along.
And now
there is no job for me
But I get 3,000
bucks a month
Thanks to UBI
Now we're
Universal Basic Guys.
It may not
sound like much.
But we're
still gonna try
We're just
Universal Basic Guys
[reel spins]
C'mon c'mon.
[tweet]
Yoo.
Damnit, Hank.
Woah! You can fish in the grass?
This is a game changer.
Nah, I'm just testing
out this new rod.
Check it out.
Woah. That's no joke.
Aw you know it.
The Deepmaster Pro Triton Elite.
Push-button casting,
advanced reel seat,
20,000 pound test.
And it's collapsable
for portability.
I bet we can catch some big
perch with that bad boy.
Yo, forget perch.
We're putting a thousand
pound marlin on that wall
for DelVecchio to see
every time he drives by.
Well don't you look nice.
Thanks, hun. Yeah
I went with the
gold-stamped
aluminum front plate.
Not you, ding-dong.
Hey, why aren't you dressed?
We're gonna be late.
For what?
Uh the dinner plans you've
known about
for a month.
Uh uh, raincheck, Tam.
We got good tides.
I'm going marlin fishing.
Mark, we got reserved tickets
for this sunset dinner cruise!
Woah woah Tam. Did you
say a dinner cruise?
Like on a boat?
No, on a bus.
Yeah, on a boat.
Oh hell yeah. Im go
I'll be right back.
So did you invite that
girl from Instagram?
Is she coming?
I think so.
But every time I ask,
she just sends me a link
to her Amazon Wishlist.
Oh, heh,
I see.
Well either way,
it's gonna be fun.
There's karaoke and dancing
and David and Andrea
are coming, too.
They're very excited.
Ugh, I can't believe
you agreed to go on this
stupid cruise without
asking me David.
I thought it would be fun!
Well you could not have
picked a worse night.
We're piloting a new
self-driving truck in Fresno.
I need to be on-call.
Maybe what you need is a
romantic night
with your husband.
A little chardonnay,
a little sunset,
a little dancing.
It's been a while since we've
been intimate, you know.
Well, maybe it
has something to do
with the fact that when we are,
it lasts six seconds.
Uh..That's because I "love " you.
And I'm "attracted " to you.
I mean come on,
you should be thrilled
that I'm so virile.
David. We've been together
for fifteen years.
[cabaret music]
Ooh this is so fun.
Oh it's really fun.
Isn't this great Mark?
Oh yeah hon. Totally.
Ooh, I'm guessing that's
where the karaoke's gonna be.
I think tonight I'm gonna
sing "Rights to Your Heart."
Oh yeah. Totally.
I know, I know, I
always sing that one
but I never sung it on a boat.
Yep. Totally. Totally.
Mark.
Mark!
What's up?
Did you hear
anything I just said?
Yeah I heard
everything you said.
Oh yeah? What was
I talking about?
Ah, you were saying
how work is stressful.
Yeah nice try.
I was telling you what song
I was gonna sing for karaoke.
Wait, karaoke?
[electrical buzz]
Ughhhhh.
C'mon, Mark.
Try and keep an open mind.
I bet you'll have fun.
Oh you bet I'll be having fun
You look beautiful.
You know, I'm thinking maybe
tonight's an oysters night?
You feeling oysters?
[buzz]
Ugh. It's work.
Ugh. Andrea, it's a
multi-billion dollar company.
I'm sure they'll be okay.
I understand, David.
It's just that gimme a sec.
Hey, what's up?
Okay, calm down.
It drove through a what?
A school??
Dammit Jason, why
are they beta testing
in a fricken' school zone?
I thought these
engineers went to M.I.T.
Do they not teach common sense?
[piano music]
Hello.
Hi.
You here alone?
My date's just running late.
Uh, you know we're
already out to sea right?
Yeah I figured she could
still swim or something.
[laughter]
Well you're welcome to join me,
if you'd like.
Uh. Yeah. Okay.
I'm Nori.
I'm Hank.
[waiter]
And for you, sir?
Uh yeah let me get
some squid strips.
Calamari. Okay.
No, no. Just squid. Raw.
Oh
we're not actually
serving sushi tonight.
Okay then how about uh
you got sardines?
We do have sardines.
Okay great. Yeah let me
get a bunch of those.
In a bucket, please.
My husband, the comedian.
Anything else for you, sir?
Yeah, the branzino, please.
Lovely choice.
How would you like
that prepared?
Can I get that alive
and in a cooler?
Um,
I'll have to check
with the chef.
The hell are you ordering?
- Seafood.
What? I mean, we're on a boat.
Sardines?
Raw branzino?
What are you, a fricken seal?
No it's the, uh,
it's just the, uh,
Scaleo diet.
Raw, whole fish.
Optimizes the nutrients, okay?
The eskimos have been
doing that for like
four thousand years.
It's a classic eskimo
tradition, okay?
That's why they live
to be 190 years old.
Oh my god, Is that
Quick pic, quick pic, quick pic!
It is.
Guess who's here, Mark?
Who? Woah, woah, woah.
Fricken Leanne.
Oh crap!
I know, right?
Look at her. What is she,
like, some fake influencer now?
It's like, is she
even enjoying herself?
Oh by the way,
will you take a video
of me singing later?
Yeah, yeah sure. Yeah.
What are you doing?
Oh I'm just uh
looking out the
ugh window here.
Beautiful view
wow look at that sunset oh.
Unbelievable Tam,
it's unbelievable.
[DJ]
Mic check one-two.
Check it, check it, one-two.
Can y'all hear me?
Wooo!!! Yeah, I can hear ya!
What's up, boat fam!
It's your boy, DJ Swaggy Bangerz
Just want to let y'all know,
the sign up sheet for
karaoke is open for bizness!
Oooh. I'm gonna go sign up.
Okay ugh yeah have fun.
Sounds good. Do your thing.
Tell them it's an
infrastructure issue!
The street signs
were misleading.
"Slow Children" can
mean a lot of things
What the
Oh, you've gotta be
fricken kidding me.
Okay, let's see here.
Ooh, there it is.
Hello.
Here ya go!
Thank you, amiga.
It's my go-to.
Yeah it's
definitely a popular one.
Mark, you sure you
don't want to sing?
Mark?
Wow mama.
You're a big boy.
A very big boy.
Okay!
Are you kidding me?
You're fishing!
Tam I got something
really huge here.
Yeah, well you
can fish tomorrow.
Karaoke's about to start.
Come on, you know I
hate karaoke, okay?
I mean, who wants to
listen to a bunch of
random people's
terrible singing??
You know I wish
you could at least
pretend to enjoy
something I enjoy.
Yeah, well maybe
you could pretend
to be impressed by the
fact that your husband
has a giant monster
fish on the line.
[argh]!
Whatever.
I can have fun with
or without you.
What's that!?
I'll see you in a bit hon, okay!
Ow!
[smack]
Woah, oh.
Do I need the rights
to your heart? ♪
Oh no way.
That's my song!
Hey, I wrote my name
down for that song!
She stole my spot!
It happens.
No!
to your soul? Or is the ♪
'Scuse me?
Tammy?
What the hell are you doing?
I'm singing my song.
Cause you stole
it, you song thief.
What are you talking about?
No I didn't. This is my song.
Yeah right.
You stole it like you
stole my boyfriend.
Yup.
That's right, folks.
Wait,
are you seriously still mad
that I skated with John Mason
at the sixth grade
skating party?
That's pathetic.
I'm pathetic?
At least I'm not some middle
aged wanna-be influencer.
Are you that desperate
for attention, Leanne?
Grow up.
Wow.
That's not
that's not why I
I just
Uh Okay let's
hear it for Leen.
Leann, Leanne
Let's hear it for
Leanne everybody.
Next up is "Tammy Hoagies"
with "Rights To Your Heart"
again.
[music starts]
Uh, why don'y you
just skip this one,
Swaggy Bangerz.
Might want to loosen that drag.
Okay, buddy. I don't need you
fish-splainin' to
me, okay? I'm fine.
Oh that ain't no fish
That thar' is a whale.
[big splashes]
YOOO.
No I would say my dad
he's sweet but he's
just like, strict.
He just only wants me to date,
like, guys who are
like him I guess
if that makes sense?
Yeah totally.
What about you?
Are you close with your dad?
Not really anymore.
Oh. Why not?
Oh he's dead.
[laughter]
Oh my god sorry,
I should not have laughed.
I thought you were
making a joke.
Oh it's okay.
I like making you laugh.
[sigh]
Hank,
there's something you
should know about me.
Oh are you like a
Mets fan or something?
Uh, no.
I, um
Yeah.
Oh wow, you're in a wheelchair.
Well, that's cool.
Wheels and chairs are actually
two of my favorite things.
So it's not a deal breaker?
Nah,
they're just legs, right?
So we got a whale situation,
okay. No big deal.
Agh, no big deal.
Here ya go, Chief.
Oh the expert wants
me to stab a whale?
Pfft. Brilliant.
No. To cut the line.
Ya Silly-billy.
No fricken' chance.
Oh yeah?
Yer gonna reel in a
humpback with a fishing rod?
Yeah well this ain't just
any fishing rod, pal.
This is the Deepmaster
Pro Triton El
Yeah, yeah.
Does it have a harpoon?
A harpoon? Pfft!
I don't need fancy gadgets, pal.
I'm doing this the
old-fashioned way.
Now you listen here, greenhorn.
We're not talkin' about catching
red gills or billyquafers,
that thar' is a whale.
Whalin' ain't' some game.
Whalin' is a battle with the
devil's greatest monster,
knowin' full well you're
gonna end up stuffed
inside Davy Jones
locker or even worse
Old, and alone and forgotten,
skippering a tacky
karaoke cruise ship
and praying for the
day it founders.
Yeah gotta be honest I
don't know what any of
that pirate nonsense means.
It means you should
call it a day,
and head inside with
that pretty wife of yours.
Order yourself an Aperol spritz
and enjoy some drunk
lawyer butcherin' Bon Jovi.
Let me tell you something pal,
I'm gonna catch this thing
and when Steve DelVecchio
sees it mounted on my wall
he's gonna poop
his fricken pants.
Well, you must really
hate this fella.
Almost as much as
I hate Karaoke.
[action music]
Alright then.
Tighten that willy belt.
Loosen your shoulders.
Jam your left foot
under that bar
and bend your damn knees.
Remember,
you're not trying to
fight this blubber-head,
you're dancing with her.
The road we traveled on
was in the stars above. ♪
Mmmm, hello.
Just need to borrow
your phone for one sec.
Oh come
Really, Andrea?
No.
Work can wait.
David.
I want one dance.
But I really
Uh uh. No "buts."
Enough with the PR B.S.
Your spin isn't gonna
unflatten those kids.
Sorry.
So we might as well
have fun tonight.
Ooh David
I kind of like this side of you.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hold me closer, ♪
baby don't let go.
Come on. Let's dance, baby.
Come on!
No, not like that.
You want her waltzing,
not twerking.
Yo enough with shanty puns,
Davy Crockett.
We've been doin' this for
seven minutes already,
I haven't made a dent.
I wouldn't do that if I was you.
Oh! Oh!
David, did you really just
What? No!
Ow! Ow! Oh my god.
Ohh god.
Oh god. Oh my god.
Ow, ow, ow.
David? Everything okay in there?
No, no it's not good, Andrea.
I think uh
I think I broke it.
Wait, what?
How is that even possible?
Well, uh
Did you already have a
Yes.
Wow, okay.
We hadn't even started dancing!
Well there was a lot
of steamy subtext!
It's fine, okay?
Just go handle your work crisis.
Work can wait.
My husband's crises
always come early.
I mean, first.
You're, like, so chill.
Are you like one of those guys
who seems all
innocent and simple
but is actually,
like, really deep?
No.
You're such a liar.
Hank, There's something
else I need to tell you.
I I haven't been
fully transparent.
Oh yeah?
You can turn invisible?
I'm
a mermaid.
I'm half fish.
Oh, wow
which half?
Woah. You're a
paralyzed mermaid?
No, no no no. I'm not paralyzed.
I just use the chair
to get around on land.
I hope this isn't a dealbreaker.
No way. I think that's awesome.
Hey, you!
You have to turn
this boat around.
My husband is having
a medical emergency.
Sorry.
No can do.
What do you mean?
You're the captain aren't you?
Not anymore.
I'm sorry?
My dear,
I'm afraid we're on a
Nantucket sleigh ride!
Uhh, what does that mean?
It means we're being dragged
out to sea by a whale.
You've got to be kidding me.
Mark, you need to cut this line.
This whale of yours is
towing us out to sea.
Sorry. No can do, Andrea.
I'm deep in a battle
of wills between man
and the devil's
biggest beast thing
anyway I just need five
more minutes, okay?
It's getting tired.
And then what are you
gonna do with a whale,
Mark?
I'm gonna have it
mounted,
that's what.
Pretty sure that's illegal.
Oh yeah? Tell that to the
Museum of Natural History.
Oh god.
It's turning purple.
Oh come on.
You'll be fine.
How do you know?
Because the same thing
happened to me once
and I lived to tell the tale.
Wait it did?
And like, is everything
still working down there, or?
Oh yeah.
Better than ever!
Hah.
Now I've got permanent wood
and I last forever.
Oh god.
Would you like to hear
the twisted tale of
how this old sailor
lost his dong?
Uh, no thanks.
[sobbing]
Hey,
Leanne.
What do you want?
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I thought you stole my song,
and I was wrong.
I shouldn't've said all that.
Yeah, well,
you're not wrong.
I pretend to live this
crazy influencer life,
always having fun but
the truth is,
I spend most of my time alone,
on my phone.
My husband was supposed to
be here with me tonight,
but he had to work and
bailed last minute,
again.
Oof.
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
my husband's currently
out on the deck fishing.
Seriously?
If my husband was
out fishing tonight,
I'd freakin' kill him!
Well, you're welcome to
throw Mark in the ocean
if it'll help you
blow off some steam.
[laughter]
I'm gonna order two beers.
You want two, too?
And maybe a tequila shot?
My girl. Let's go!
Hehe!
Wait what do you call these
little tridents again?
Oh I always forget.
I just call them thingamabobs.
Me too!
That's so funny!
Sorry to interrupt
Some bad news from the kitchen.
We're down to the kids menu.
Grilled cheese, chicken nuggets,
and hot dogs.
Ew.
One thing I just
don't understand
about land people
hot dogs.
Gross.
And that's how I
learned that "blowhole"
was not meant to be
taken literally
Okay, sure, I mean the
media loves whales,
but nobody stops
thinking of krill.
I mean, whales eat like
five tons of those things a day.
So if you're a krill,
I mean, you know,
whales are basically
floating holocausts.
Mark. Shut up.
I'm calling the Coast Guard.
Ah, geez, alright.
Time to bring you
in, baby, let's go.
[action music]
Come on you stupid whale!
Yeah!
Got her!
She's tired out!
Oh no,
she ain't tired.
She's angry.
And she's coming
straight for us.
Do I need the rights
to your heart? ♪
[crash!]
[alarm]
Yo yo.
It's your boy DJ Swaggy Bangerz.
Just got word that
we got a little
Titanic situation happening
but it's all gravy baby
just remain calm,
grab some of that
sweet life vest drip
and make your way
to the lifeboats.
Peace.
Mark Hoagies,
you better stop fishing
and put this on.
Tammy,
I'm real close here, okay.
Just five more minutes babe.
You are five minutes
away from being dead.
Let go!
Well look who it is,
Mark Hoagies!
I should've figured.
Ugh DelVecchio.
The hell are you doing here?
We heard the distress
call on the way back
from our very
successful fishing trip.
Little did I know,
we'd get the added bonus
of watching a moron
try and fish off a sinking ship.
This is classic.
Oh yeah? Well
when you see the size
of the hog I'm reeling in,
you're gonna need a
diaper change pal.
Enough, Mark.
Let it go!
Just a sec, Tam.
[splash]
Woah.
Hoagies,
are you stupid?
That's a fricken' whale.
You can't be bringing
that thing in!
Oh you wanna bet?
Mark!
Are you insane?
Let go of that rod, now!
Come on, Tammy!
We gotta go.
It's clear what
his priorities are.
Are you fricken
kidding me, Steven?
Leanne?
What are you doing here?
I'm on the karaoke
dinner cruise, Steven.
You know, the one you bailed on
'cause you said
you were working!
I, uh
Well the thing is Well
You lying scumbag!
I can't believe this.
You know what Steven? I'm done.
This is the last straw.
Babe, listen.
These tides.
You should've seen them.
Look!
I got a marlin!
Great.
Enjoy your last day on the boat
before I take it in the divorce.
Wait.
Are you being serious right now?
Do I look like I'm kidding?
[sad music]
You know what Steve,
I'm gonna toss this one back.
'Cause I already got a keeper.
Ah Tam. I'm sorry.
Maybe I don't got a
fancy fishing boat
or some big trophy fish
hanging on the garage wall.
But I got something way better:
a trophy wife.
And you know what,
the only whale I need
is you.
[music stops sharply]
Ah. Just get in the
fricken lifeboat.
See you around, Steve!
Hopefully she'll let
you keep the marlin!
Mark, can you please hurry
before I lose my
[loud boat horn]
Oh thank god.
Crisis averted.
Captain you coming?
Not today Swaggy.
I've got a long overdue
date with Davy Jones.
Okay,
but you know we got
plenty of life rafts.
Nah.
All my friends died
at sea long ago.
And it's high time
for me to join them.
Take me Poseidon!
Weeeeeeee!!!
You know sometimes, Hank,
you gotta know
when to let 'em go.
But there's always
more fish in the sea.
Yeah.
So, Hank
where's the cute girl I
saw you talking to earlier?
We had some irreconcilable
differences.
[splashes]
[eating]
I don't understand.
Everything was going so well.
And then he just got all weird.
Enough with these land boys.
Your place is here
under the ocean!
You're right.
This is where I'm needed.
What the
no,
no!
Damn you, Poseidon!
Alright, Mr. Jinglebells.
Let's see here.
Got some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is
it's gonna heal fine
and still be functional.
If you'd gotten here
a few minutes later,
might have been a
different story.
Oh, thank god.
So what's the bad news?
Well
I'm afraid there was
some nerve damage.
Nerve damage?
Yes. Unfortunately,
you're gonna lose
some sensitivity,
so you know it might take
you a little longer to
Finish.