Velma (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

She has no brain!
Now, when I try to solve a mystery,
my guilt triggers a potentially heart
stopping hallucination.
Wait, you think I killed Brenda?
You just said you were
going to do to me what you did to her.
I meant pay you to keep quiet.
I'm innocent!
Velma, you should see this.
Oh God, it's Krista!
And she also has no brain.
So, what's more surprising?
Fred Jones being arrested
for murdering and removing the brains
of Brenda Bright
and Krista McCray
or that his delicate,
teen heartthrob good looks
stem from the fact that he hasn't gone
through puberty yet?
The murders.
Obviously, it's the murders.
It's not small, it's scared!
But it just goes to show,
we all have secrets.
Velma's birthday gift!
Even the ones we least expect.
But as much as you try to hide
Your ass is mine, best friend.
the ugly truth.
Velma, have you seen that
sweater vest I bought Sophie?
No.
Because without your ascot,
you're naked.
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories.
What are you, poor?
Yes, Fred Jones, heir to the Jones
Gentlemen's Accessories fortune,
was arrested last night
for murder.
Yeah, thanks to me!
And according to the police, Jones
would have gotten away with it, too.
- Say my name.
- Vermin Dorkley.
It's Velma Dorkley!
I mean Dinkley!
And finally only one lawyer has agreed
to represent Fred Jones.
Vermin's own father,
Aman Dinkley!
What?
Velma, winning this case could make
your father rich!
I already bought a baby monitor
that shoots on film.
It just looks more real,
you know?
Exactly. I mean, look at this
from my perspective, Velma.
If you needed money to keep
your pregnant girlfriend happy,
and then you heard what
the Joneses are willing to pay,
I'm sure you'd agree it's possible
Fred didn't do it.
Fred's a rich white guy
with a tiny dong.
He did it. Now, excuse me.
I have to go find
my missing mother.
You didn't mention
Fred had a tiny dong.
Yeah, real baby carrot.
And I'm going to ride it
all the way to victory!
Wow, people seem to be taking
to the fact
that Fred is a brain stealing sociopath
really well.
All our classmates are idiots or sheep,
so let's assume they're high.
Man, if I ever even think
about getting into 420, 420 culture,
or especially
420 related humor, kill me.
You know what 420 is right?
Yeah. It's code for adults
who still watch cartoons.
Now, have you seen Daphne?
Her parents are detectives,
so I need her help to get my mom's
cold case files.
You want me to come with
in case you have another hallucination?
Thanks. But after catching Fred,
I feel my hallucinations
are like the return
of high waisted jeans.
It took a while, but we're finally
through the worst of it.
Sweetie, are you sure you don't want
to take a mental health day?
It's not often your boyfriend
is arrested
for removing
two of your friends' brains.
Thank you. But if the kids in
every teen show ever
can get through a brush
with a deranged serial killer, so can I.
Good lord!
It smells like the
Playboy Jazz Festival out there.
And a kid's eating
sheet cake at 8:00 in the morning.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Let's go get a sheet cake?
High five!
- Hey, Daphne.
- What do you want, Vermin?
Just to offer my sincerest condolences
for the loss of your more popular friends
that you picked over me.
Stop! I know you think I'm a huge bitch
who ditched you to be cool.
What? That's so not true.
Fine.
I need a favor.
I need you to get me
my mom's cold case file.
Why would I do that?
We're not friends anymore.
- Nemeses.
- That's why.
- Okay.
Well, I was hoping
you'd get it for me for old time's sake.
I see.
Well, for old time's sake,
- Really?
- For 500 dollars.
Five hundred dollars?
That's like, a million dollars.
Well, like you said,
I'm a huge bitch.
I was being sarcastic.
You can't read tone in graffiti.
Five hundred dollars
or nothing.
Now, first, thank you
for taking my case.
We could not be happier
you're on the team, Velma's dad.
Sorry, what we meant
to say is that you are our last choice.
And if you blow this,
my family will bring
the full weight of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories
and Jones Gentlemen's
Accessories for Women
down on your head!
Okay, well, the case
won't be easy.
Of course it will. I'm innocent.
The only reason people think
I removed those girls' brains
is because I "basically confessed"
and have
"well documented anger issues".
I mean, does that even mean?
Hey! Am I on a hunger strike?
Where the hell are my pancakes?
Are you trying to choke me to death?
You forgot cutties.
You're embarrassing
ourself, Frederick.
It's bad enough
you still eat pancakes
and drink non alcoholic
beverages like a baby!
Yes, Father.
Sorry, Father.
Our apologies, Aman.
Freddie is due in court this afternoon,
and the case has everyone out of sorts.
No, this childishness
is actually perfect.
See, I feel the only way
to prove Fred's innocence
is to play up the fact
that he's a late bloomer.
I mean, the world sees Fred Jones,
teen sociopath.
So instead, let's show them Fred Jones,
innocent little boy.
It can't miss, right?
Please say it can't miss.
My girlfriend just bought
a 2,000 dollar stroller. It hovers.
William,
our son cannot go to prison.
He can barely survive
on the outside as is.
Victoria, admitting he's a little boy
is worse than any crime.
It's embarrassing.
He is the future CEO of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories!
Is he, though?
We'll try it your way.
Great. I just hope people
can actually think I'm a little kid.
Crap. I'm all syrupy.
Bathies!
So, Velma, what brings you to Casa
Del Norville Rogers, Blythe Rogers
and me, his father,
Lamont Rogers?
Here for a Rogering,
as we might say?
I was just in the neighborhood.
No ulterior motive whatsoever.
Hey, that's a nice vase.
Is that worth 500 dollars?
Hey, look who's busy
not finding my missing mother.
Actually, Daphne's moms
are here
because they think we have
a Candy Man problem at school.
And as the principal,
I've asked them to go undercover
as high school students
to find them.
And that's the 4-1-1,
home skillet.
- Words.
- Candy Man?
I think you mean Sugar Daddy?
And Sarah's 18.
Her parents are cool with it.
A Candy Man's a drug dealer,
V-Dawg.
I knew that.
So is Norville in his room?
What's going on, guys.
So today on Norville Snacks,
our World Tour continues East,
as we say ni hao
to Beijing style shrimp chips.
- Norville!
- Velma! Not while I'm live.
I can't get banned for your thoughts
on South Asian desserts again.
I'm so sorry, but this is important.
Daphne wants 500 dollars for the file,
and all my money is tied up
in streaming services.
Velma, I don't have it.
My mom's birthday is coming up,
and this year she just wants cash.
Otherwise, you know
I'd give it to you.
I know, it's okay.
Like the dessert course
at an Indian restaurant, just forget it.
Wait, in teen movies,
whenever a girl needs money,
a guy sells something
and then blackmails
the girl into dating him for it.
Problematic, but effective.
And hilarious!
So it was not easy,
but I got your 5 dollars.
I assume I-O-U's are okay?
It's 500 dollars, Velma.
But if you don't have it, there might be
a way you can earn it.
I was thinking you could
come work for me.
Doing what?
And is the office culture cool?
Like, are there snacks?
You're the Candy Man?
Candy Woman.
And I have your sugar right here.
Daphne, why would you
deal drugs?
You're beautiful and popular.
Being a bad girl too
just muddles your brand.
This doesn't make me
a bad girl.
According to TV,
it's morally okay to deal drugs
if your life is just kind of crappy.
Like your kid's sick,
you're a widow with a mortgage.
You have to live on a lake
in Missouri.
Those are all white people, Daphne.
Minorities on TV can only deal drugs
to escape poverty.
Wait, that's it.
This is about you trying to run
with your fancy rich crowd.
Yup, that must be it.
Because the brilliant Velma Dinkley
knows everything about everyone,
and isn't afraid to say it.
Exactly. I spit truth without a filter,
like every comedian before
hashtag "MeToo".
Look, are you in
or are you out?
I'm out. Because if you
don't give me that file,
I'll tell your police officer moms
You wouldn't dare.
Yeah, no, it was a dumb idea.
So what are we selling?
Just the usual. Zoinks, Jeepers,
Mystery Machine,
and of course,
guh-guh-guh-guh-ganja.
Only 80 bucks?
But I need 500
to get a girl to date me.
Hilarious. But no.
You want to make some real money?
I don't have time to flip houses,
but I'll hear you out.
Nice roller bag.
You selling bibles later?
Nice outfit. You driving a big rig
to Bakersfield later?
No, dummy.
This is a disguise.
Because what we're doing
is illegal.
Sorry we can't all make it rain
cool shades, El Chapo.
You know what?
Let's just do this.
Don't you want any tips
on selling?
I think I got it. Drugs are like crack
to these people.
Now most cultures of the world as
a rule, wouldn't mix kiwi and whitefish.
But they don't play
by the rules in North Korea.
Drugs here!
Get your drugs here!
Narc, narc.
White girl with too much money,
white girl with too much money.
You don't know me. I'm a white girl
who's bored. Let's roll.
Yeah. Go. I don't care.
Enjoy your slow descent
into organic farming, losers.
- Thank you.
- Who thinks she has everyone pegged.
But you might have
more success with this
if you went in
just a little less judgy.
Wait, I'm judgy?
You would say something like that.
You want your mom's
cold case file, right?
Yes. Fine.
I'll try. I'll try.
If you want to get swole,
try Zoinks!
You'll be bouncing them
big old man boobs
faster than you can say,
"who is this for?".
Yeah, we like the sound of that.
What'll it cost?
Not much. Just your dad's love
when you blow out your knee
and lose your scholarship.
I was being helpful.
The sooner he can focus on getting
his real estate license, the better.
Jeepers raises
your dopamine levels,
so it will definitely
help you memorize your lines.
I'm sorry, Velma.
I could feel you forcing that.
Yeah. You know
what else feels forced?
Your belief that you're the only one
sleeping with the lead.
Sorry.
- Okay. You're fired.
- What? Why?
Will I sell you a kidney,
to get the 500 dollars
I need to make Velma date me?
I mean, I'd be a fool
not to at this point, right?
Justice for Brenda and Krista!
It's a mob scene here
as Fred Jones arrives
for his day in court.
Aman, over here.
How could you risk your career
and entire livelihood
on the most
unlikeable defendant
since that chimpanzee
who ate a woman's face?
Because what you see as risk,
I see as mere child's play.
Hewo fwends! My name is Fwed!
What's yours?
I think I speak for the entire
journalistic community when I say,
"Don't I feel like an asshole!"
No way this scrumptious muffin
removed those girls' brains!
Thanks, news lady!
Stop! No pictures!
Unless it's in portrait mode!
Oh, God,
he looks like Hitler!
And not just because we compare
everyone to Hitler these days.
You couldn't keep your opinions
to yourself, could you?
I literally had to take five Jeepers
Sorry, I can't just
conjure up a whole new personality
whenever I want
like some sort of sexy witch.
Is that really
what you think of me?
Hey, girlies!
Okay, since you know so much,
why am I selling drugs?
Easy. You're looking to rebel against
your overprotective parents
but don't have
the balls to get pregnant.
Wrong! I'm saving money
to hire a private investigator
to find my biological family.
Yeah. Unexpected twist.
Holy crap. Really? Looking
for your family is a big deal.
Yeah, it's just you know how
different I am from my moms.
I need to
find out who I really am.
Where do I come from?
And how is my hair
the color of buffalo wings?
I just always figured your parents
were Wilma Flintstone
and Daniel Dae Kim.
Freeze, person in baseball hat,
putting drugs in my daughter's locker
and other Oompa Loompa person!
- We know you're the candymen!
- Linda!
You're a cop and not a teenager?
But I love you!
What do we do?
I can't go to jail.
- Run!
- You know I can't. I'd prefer jail.
I'm trapped!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, Daphne, no!
Baby want sheet cake?
Hey, hurry up in there!
Give me the money!
You wish, guy from
that "wanted" poster all over town.
All right. Don't make me
come in the bathroom.
I'm a thief, not a perv.
Nothing can stop me
from buying Velma's love!
That might.
It is Norville
from Norville Snacks.
Like, let him go, man.
Wait, you stoners
watch Norville Snacks?
Damn it! This is exactly what happened
to my vlog about Lil Wayne.
God, where is that candyman?
I mean candyperson.
It could be anybody.
Even though we both
definitely know it's a man.
"I'm home and want to adopt
a sick cat. Where are you?"
- A cat needs our love!
- Out of our way!
That totally worked, Velma.
A lotta help.
Sorry. I was just wiping some garbage
slime off your cheek.
Yeah, me too. Slime.
Okay. Well, thankfully, your moms
are still hella bad detectives.
Yeah, they still think I spent
200 dollars on a math tutor
named Coachella.
Wait. Am I enjoying
hanging out with you again?
Or is it the high
of moderate exercise?
I don't know. Maybe I'm not the shallow
monster you think I've become.
Maybe you
judge people so harshly
because it's easier
to feel right from afar
than risk getting close
and being wrong.
Okay, Easy, Dr. Phil.
I'm the brains of this operation.
You're just the look,
style and effortless charm.
We do make a good team, don't we?
Well, speaking of teams,
someone's looking to score.
and if you want your mom's file,
you're going to sell to them my way.
That's him.
The guy in the beanie.
It's always
the guy in the beanie.
A beanie? It's 90 degrees out!
And I'm not supposed to assume
he's hiding a bald spot?
No! Less assuming!
More criminal behavior.
Go!
Drugs here.
Get your fresh hot drugs here.
Hey, do you have
anything that can
make me feel better about
having ruined my life?
- Wait, Dad?
- Velma?
Why were you selling drugs?
To make money, genius.
The real question is,
why were you wearing a beanie?
Those are only
for television actors
who want you to know
that their roots are still in theater.
Wait, you don't care
that I was buying drugs?
That makes sense.
You gambled our future
on Fred Jones' innocence
and now drugs
are the only escape.
But what do you possibly need
drug dealing money for?
I already buy you all the inhalers
you could ever want.
Fine.
Daphne will give me Mom's
cold case file for 500 dollars.
Okay, look, I'll give you
the 500 dollars for her file
if you help me
prove Fred's innocent.
What? Are you crazy?
Finding Fred innocent
would require me to admit
I'd incorrectly
pre-judged someone.
Wait.
Yeah. No, I was right.
Homeslice is like
Robert Durst level guilty.
Okay. But instead of just
staring at the evidence
and swearing very loudly,
do you maybe want
to ask me some questions?
Yeah, I do.
Why frame me?
Yeah, exactly.
Why would I do that?
Before you just started talking,
I thought you were our housekeeper.
Oh, my God,
could that be colder?
You know what?
Now I'm in a snit.
Let's regroup after lunch.
Cutties.
Holy crap.
You are innocent.
He is?
Okay, here's
your 500 dollar reward.
Good luck using it
to coerce Velma into dating you.
Keep it. The stoners
caught him, not me.
If I want Velma
to like me now,
I'm just gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.
Bet a friend
I can make her fancy.
That's how we got together.
Okay. For my next witness,
I would like to call
the woman who caught Fred,
my own daughter,
Velma Dinkley.
Velma, do you swear
to tell the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
So help me,
Shonda Rhimes, I do.
Now, Velma, how long have you
known the defendant?
We met at lunch
in the eighth grade
when he confused me
for a beanbag chair.
- Classic.
- What did you think of my client?
Honestly, that he was super-hot.
But also that he was
just another entitled rich guy
who might kill someone
because he has a tiny dong.
Unfortunately,
I was wrong about Fred.
The way it's possible I might have
been wrong about other people.
Weird. It feels like
she's looking right at me.
Why would Velma want
to send me a message, Daphne?
Fred Jones did not kill
those two girls.
His whole life, Fred has never had
to lift a finger to do anything.
He's been so pampered,
his body hasn't even felt
the need to fully mature.
Fred literally can't feed himself.
That's not true. You just cut
What's the dumb thing called?
A dinglehopper!
Great. Show us.
Cutties.
Mother, cutties.
Oh, my God,
he is just like a little boy.
Exactly. So tell me this.
How could someone
who can't even cut a steak
remove two girls' brains?
He couldn't!
Clearly Fred's innocent.
But at what cost to his reputation
and that of his family's business?
That lump has made
a mockery of us!
Be nice. Our son is free.
I'd say that lump
did quite well.
That's not true.
I'm a big boy.
A big boy who could have removed
those dumb girls' brains,
no problem if I wanted to!
Hear, hear!
- Guilty.
- Based on what?
Blonde-haired people
have bad days, too.
Oh, my God,
what have I done? I'm ruined.
They wouldn't even let me represent
a gymnastics coach now.
Daphne?
What are you doing here?
Wait. Did you
realize I stole all your Zoinks?
- Please don't kill me.
- No, you're good.
I mean, return it
or I'll hurt you very badly,
but I saw you on TV
and brought you this.
My mom's cold case file!
Thank you!
Wait, do you not have potentially
fatal hallucinations
when you try to solve
mysteries anymore?
You remember that?
You had one of your first ones
Well, your fear pee stain
is still on my rug.
Well, I think I'm fine.
Norville helped me
get over them
in the last episode
of my hallucinations.
Velma! Are you hallucinating?
I'll put down newspaper.
No, it's a clue.
The last place my mom's
cell phone pinged
the night she went missing
was at Fred's house.
Damn it! I knew
that jerk was guilty.
Too bad you'll never know for sure.
I was wrong again!
I'm hallucinating! Help!
No one can help you now, Velma.
Solving mysteries
only causes pain.
What do I do? Velma!
Try to make me laugh.
I don't know any jokes,
but my moms love my impression
of my Aunt Cindy.
I am sad my husband died.
Anything?
No. Try something else.
Anything. Quick!
Oh God, my heart!
What do I do?
Did that work?
Yeah.
Great. Now even just
being myself won't work.
Romcoms can kiss my ass.
My name's Fred.
Who are you?
They call me The Thief.
What are you in for?
Thieving. But I'm innocent.
Aren't we all?
Bunk beds!
Hoisties!