Vexed s01e02 Episode Script

BEEPS HORN So how's the "marriage"? I know a good lawyer if you want to get a divorce.
We're not getting a divorce.
Right, yeah.
So would you like me to call him? No, I would like you to mind your own business.
Well, if you change your mind.
I won't change my mind cos we're not getting a divorce.
We're not giving up on our marriage, just God, like you'd understand.
Are you trying to lose weight? Oh, right, see you at the cafe for pancakes, yeah? By the way, we've got a case.
Huh? Yeah.
Someone tried to kill one of those banker arseholes who screwed over the entire country.
Yeah, what happened? The banker's being treated for depression at some fancy clinic, somebody sticks a bomb under his car.
Everyone's freaking out! Yeah, they want us over there right away.
Why couldn't you tell me this half an hour ago? You were banging on about your divorce.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going? You're not wiping your sweaty thighs all over my upholstery.
Wiping my sweaty thighs? II do not have sweaty thighs.
It's probably hormonal.
Is it? Thank you.
HE LOCKS CAR DOOR So, er, you better hit the showers.
I'll meet you back at yours.
Chop, chop.
Andrew Andrew Andrew How can you not remember the victim's name? AndrewRidgeley.
He was in Wham.
Was he? Yeah.
Oh? It was something like that.
I'm useless with names.
Names, dates, police procedure.
Are you still upset about that sweaty thigh thing? That's very perceptive.
I have a gift.
Naz, my man.
There's a body in here.
Really? How did that get there? Who is it? Oh, some junkie from the clinic.
He decides he's had enough of going cold turkey.
He wants to feel that sweet heroin buzz rushing through his veins.
He tries to steal Andrew Bridgely's car.
Bridgely! Turns out someone's put a bomb under it.
Boom! Come on! Oh! Oops.
I think that was his head.
Get it off my foot.
I'm not touching it.
Jack, get it off.
Naz, your job.
Please get it OK.
Eugh Get it off! What is that? We treat all kinds of conditions - depression, addiction, eating disorders, phobias.
What's wrong with him? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Yeah? Everyone's very distressed about the bombing.
Poor Carl.
Was he the junkie? We prefer the term "substance abuser".
So do I.
And you know, if there's anything we can do to help reassure the "substance abusers", please let us know.
Thank you.
We also specialise in the treatment of obesity.
Polly, you've lost two pounds.
Well done.
Well done.
Go, Polly! Well done.
Well done.
Thank you.
OK, everyone, well, that's it for the day So, erm, let me guess.
Obesity and OCD, right? She's a cleaner.
Right, OK.
Good work.
I can really see my face through the In those Yeah.
That's Andrew Bridgely over there.
He's suffering from acute depression.
Be careful not to say anything to him that might contribute to his negative self-image.
Don't you worry.
I've done rape training.
Counselling the victims of, not how to Shall we just, er Hey, do me a favour.
Do him a favour, let me handle this, OK? You think I can't be sensitive? I know you can't be sensitive.
You're just bitter because your husband's leaving you.
Which I am incredibly sorry about.
I feel your pain.
How are you feeling? Hmm? I think you should deal with this.
Can you think of anyone who might want to harm you? You mean other than every taxpayer in the country? We were wondering if you could narrow it down a bit, just, just slightly.
Perhaps you can think of someone with a more personal reason? My wife - she's a bitch.
My ex-wife - she's a total bitch.
My son hates me.
Erm, ex-colleagues, investors.
A load of people lost their pensions when the bank went down.
Oh, and I'm in dispute with my neighbour over some conifers.
He thinks they block his natural light.
Popular guy(!) No, not really.
Well, you know what Yazz And The Plastic Population once said, "The only way is up".
Andrew, we'll be maintaining a police presence during our ourinvestigation.
So, if you, if you wouldn't mind staying on the premises, that would be great.
Yazz? What? That is the most annoying song.
How's that going to cheer anyone up? It's a great song! You're such a loser.
Worked for Tony Blair.
That was D:Ream! Now they are shite.
Look at these people.
They're enjoying themselves.
Look at him, he's having a good time.
I didn't realise you were an expert on psychiatric conditions.
Since when did everything become an "illness"? When a woman likes to put it around, suddenly she's a sex addict.
Well, addiction is an illness.
OK, you put an alcoholic on a desert island, is he still an alcoholic? Yes.
No.
He's just thirsty, and probably sunburnt.
Skin cancer, there's a proper illness.
Try curing that with a game of ping-pong and a bit of yoga, huh? OK, will you drop me home? And then I think you should go interview Bridgely's wife.
Yeah? What are you going to do? Erm, I've got some I've got stuff I've got to sort.
Stuff? What sort of stuff? It's none of your business.
Hey, you don't tell me, I'll have to follow you.
Oh, for God's sakes.
If you really must know, I am going to the doctors, OK? Are you pregnant? Trust me, you'd be the first to know.
Listen, you get divorced, I'm going to be the one nine months from now in the maternity ward telling you to breathe and taking all the abuse.
I think you are the last person on earth I would want to be there.
So you'd rather have Robert Mugabe there than me? Absolutely.
There's a rumour he's got syphilis.
Me, I'm clean.
Had a test about a week ago.
Bit worried about this girl I slept with.
She's a sex addict.
She'd have to be.
I was wrong to accuse Dan of cheating on me.
And obviously I am desperately sorry about .
.
hitting him.
But we were already having problems, and .
.
I would like Dan to acknowledge that, but he won't.
He thinks You think everything was OK.
It wasn't.
It wasn't.
Is there something you'd like to say to Kate? Dan? What's the point? Well, erm, this is an opportunity for you to tell Kate how you feel.
Since when does how I feel count for anything? That's a laugh.
Of course it counts.
No, no.
What matters is how everything effects you.
You're the centre of the universe.
Everyone else is just just comes a distant, distant second.
You're never satisfied.
You always want more.
There's always something else.
"When's this going to happen? When's that going to happen?" You go on at me to take you on holiday for your birthday, but get upset when you don't have a present to open on the day.
I think it's nice to have something to unwrap.
Ten days in Trinidad and Tobago! That's not a proper present.
Maybe I should've wrapped you up some sand, or a coconut.
You could have got me a card.
What is it with you and cards? Bloody cards! You can't take a shit in someone's house without sending them a thank you card.
Grrr! You're so irritating! Everything you do.
Why do you have to fill the kettle to make one cup of tea? I might want another cup.
Is the tap going to run out of water? No.
Just boil what you need! Jesus.
And if I have to lie there listening to you breathe in your sleep one more time.
I swear to God DAN PRETENDS TO GASP Well DAN CONTINUES TO BREATHE HEAVILY Maybe I should stop breathing.
The number of times I prayed you would.
OK.
Good.
Thank you, Dan.
Kate.
Erm Dan, do you even like me? OK, er, time's up.
Erm I think we've made a lot of progress.
Speak to Andrew Bridgely's wife? Uh-huh.
What did she say? She said she was looking forward to dancing on his grave and that she didn't know anything about the bomb.
Right.
And we're just taking her word for it? Yeah, well she didn't sound guilty.
And I couldn't really tell cos we had this really bad line.
You phoned her? Do you know how long it takes to get out to wherever it is she lives? Anyway, I'm almost certain she didn't do it.
Oh, almost certain.
Almost certain, hmm Yeah, that's good enough for me.
Phew! Let's all kick back then, yeah? Hey, I'm not stopping you from going out there.
Or you can stay here and have a glass of this rather excellent Sauvignon Blanc.
JACK CHUCKLES I might squeeze in a pud.
I've had a look at the bomb they put under your fellow's car.
One second.
You gave him the bomb to look at? Yeah, the lab would've taken weeks.
The paperwork's a nightmare.
Right, because he's left a piece of cannelloni in there.
Has he? Oh, yeah.
Ciao, bella.
So what's the verdict, Tone? By the look of the detonator, you're looking for a professional, possibly ex-military.
How come you know so much about explosives? Oh, when I was back on the force back in the day, I infiltrated an IRA terror cell.
Good luck.
So, where were we? He infiltrated the IRA? Wait, are you calling me a liar? No.
I just, erm, I'm surprised because Because? Well I'm? Oh! No, no, no.
Because, OK, I'm I'm surprised because What I meant, when I was surprised, I meantyour I meant your accent.
WITH IRISH ACCENT: And what would be wrong with my accent now? Why would you do something like that? Why are you picking on me?! What's his problem? He's got a persecution complex.
He's an idiot.
Andrew, we have reason to believe someone may have taken a contract out on your life.
Oh, really, what gave that away? Was it the bomb under my car? I'm not liking the attitude.
GUN SHOTS Did you see where that came from? Are you insane?! I wasn't hanging around to take a look! DI Bishop, we need urgent back up at the clinic.
Shots fired.
Help! Help! Who's that? Get down! Get down! GUN SHOTS Why are they shooting at me? They're not shooting at you, they're shooting at him! HE SCREAMS How do you want to play this? Huh? I think one of us needs to get inside.
OK.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe I'll do it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll do it.
If you get shot, I'll spend the rest of my life pushing you around in a wheelchair feeling guilty.
You distract him.
Wait! What? How? I don't know.
Flash them.
I'm not flashing them.
OK, all right.
You just stay here and make yourself feel comfortable.
Have we got a plan B? SIRENS WAIL Hey, Naz.
Hey.
Can I ask you a question? Would you, as a police officer, in the line of duty, step in, take that bullet and save that life? No way.
Nah, me neither.
I've checked the clinic's CCTV.
The only people who could have had access to this area of the building when the shots were fired were the patients.
Yeah? Take a seat.
They're so much better for your posture than chairs.
Are you on? Yeah? Everyone's in shock.
Thank God no-one was hurt.
We believe whoever's .
.
targeting Andrew Bridgely is posing as a patient.
Do you have any idea who it is? We're going to need to look at the patient medical records to identify them.
I can't allow access to medical records without a court order.
One of your patients is a professional killer.
And I want them caught as much as you do.
I'm sorry.
You need to get a court order.
Fine.
In the meantime, will you discharge Andrew from the clinic? He's on suicide watch.
We can't discharge a patient who's a danger to themselves.
We have a duty of care.
Are you really OK.
Charlotte.
May I call you Charlotte? Of course.
Lottie Charlotte! Fine.
I hear you.
Court orders.
Blah, blah, blah.
We wouldn't ask you to do anything against the law.
No-one wants to see an attractive woman go to prison, least of all me.
So why don't you step outside for a quick cigarette I don't smoke.
Why don't you step outside for a quick herbal tea, and we'll have a quick HE WHISTLES No-one knows anything about it.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not comfortable doing that.
It's illegal? Lottie Charlotte.
We're police officers.
The law doesn't apply to us.
I think you'll find that it does.
Nah, not really.
Are you all right? He's fine.
OK? What do you say? At this stage they won't allow us access to the patient medical records, so we think it would best for you to move to a safe house.
This safe house, I presume it's a shit hole? Yeah, but, staying at the clinic, obviously puts you at a far greater risk.
Ohhhh I think I've cracked a rib.
Have you ever tried sitting on one of those big balls she has in there? Christ, you could kill yourself.
This is as good a place to die as any.
If that's your decision, we will give you round the clock protection.
I feel so safe just knowing you're around.
JACK MOANS Jack? In here.
Hey, are you taking a bikini? It's a tankini, you know, with a top, the little shorts.
Really? No.
Hi.
Hi.
What's he doing here? What's that? That OCD guy, from the clinic? Billy? He's my new cleaner.
You're using someone with a mental illness to clean your flat? He's happy as a sand boy.
What sand boy? That's OK, isn't it? We're allowed to use that, aren't we? You are exploiting him.
How's that any worse than under-paying some nubile Polish girl in cut-off shorts? It doesn't make it OK.
He's willing, he's cheap.
He's free.
I don't know how can you look at yourself in the mirror.
You should see the mirrors.
You've never seen mirrors that clean.
OK.
Are you ready? Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'll see you later, Billy.
So who do you fancy as our killer? God, it could be any one of them.
I think we can rule him out.
Or can we? No, I don't think it's him.
What about that one? Whoever heard of a "hit woman"? It's a "hit man".
So it can't be a woman? I'm saying women lack the necessary skills to be a professional killer.
Like? Throwing.
Brilliant.
Yeah, of course.
OK.
You're a professional hit woman.
Yeah.
You've been hired to throw a grenade into a room full ofnuns.
OK.
Hmm.
An entirely credible scenario.
Right.
There's your grenade.
Kill the nuns.
This is ridiculous.
Go on.
No.
Go on.
I'm not, no Cos you can't throw.
I can throw.
Go on then.
All right, fine.
Ooooh! Stand back, everyone.
What was that? It's my shoulder.
That was pathetic.
That would have blown up right in your face.
Right, then.
What you want to do is you want to put your whole body into it.
Ow! I'm sorry, mate, OK.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It could be him.
Stay away from the windows.
And please keep the door locked.
Put that outside.
I can't face it.
You should try to eat something.
You're worried about me dying of starvation? That guy is such a wan Hi.
Hi.
So, Billy, get a set of keys cut and you can let yourself in.
OK.
Oh, and the CDs.
Can you organise them alphabetically? Oh, yeah.
Enjoy.
Jack, you said Hmm? If we were getting divorced, that you knew a good lawyer? Oh? I wasn't being serious.
Oh, it's just something you say when someone's marriage is on the rocks.
Right.
Of course.
Hmm, I naively believed you were actually being sincere.
No.
No.
We should have armed back up.
Shouldn't we? Don't you worry.
I've got it under control.
You're a Firearm's Officer? Not technically.
Well, either you are, or you aren't? I've taken a course.
Did you pass? A bit of a grey area.
Oh, Jesus! Hey, you should try it.
They put you in this darkened room.
There's these cardboard figures.
A bank robber with a shotgun.
A woman with a child.
You know, there's flashing lights, sirens.
Everyone's shouting at me.
So I shut my eyes, squeeze off a magazine.
When the lights come up half the baby's head's gone, Grandpa Joe's taken two in the face.
The lollipop lady's had her arm blown off.
It was carnage.
So you failed the course? Yep.
Well, where did you get the gun? The instructors let me keep it.
They said they'd never seen anything so funny.
Give me the gun.
No.
You're not qualified.
Neither are you.
Look, if it kicks off, just keep your head down, all right.
Bloody cheek.
You're probably going to end up killing yourself.
I'm more likely to kill you, aren't I? I'm firing outwards.
Oh, yeah.
Great(!) Women love it.
HE CHUCKLES You get it out in a nightclub.
They're all over you.
"Ooh, can I hold it? "Ooh isn't it heavy?" You're on the first shift.
Am I? Uh-hm.
Right.
Hi.
HE YAWNS Hi.
HE GASPS Sorry, I was just checking on you.
Piss off.
OK, fine.
Sorry about that.
Jack? Hi.
Hi, did you get some sleep? No.
I couldn't.
Have you been standing there the whole time? Yeah, better sight lines.
You know.
Oh.
Anyway, I, er I think I'll turn in.
Yeah, I'll just take, take over.
Hi.
Hello.
Can't sleep, huh? I'm a police officer.
For the Oh, right.
Yes.
Yeah, I heard about that.
How about you? I haven't slept in .
.
ten years.
You're kidding? I wish I was.
My name's Kevin and I'm an insomniac.
I'm attending the sleep clinic here.
Right.
God.
That must be really hard.
You get a hell of a lot done, but, yeah, it's bloody exhausting.
Hmm.
Well, nice to meet you.
You too.
I hope you get some sleep soon.
Yeah, I very much doubt it, but thanks anyway.
ALARM BLARES Is there a fire? Who was that? I don't know.
I didn't know you wore glasses? Yeah.
Just for reading.
Oh, they really suit you.
Thanks.
WOMAN SCREAMS Stay here and look after Mr Happy.
What happened to Polly? It looks like an overdose.
Polly.
I'll call an ambulance.
HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS One, two, three, four.
Right, OK.
Bag off, bag off.
One, two, three.
There she blows.
Do we know how she died? Well, she didn't starve to death.
These guys think she died of an overdose.
Ooh, I am going to sleep like a baby.
Whoops! Whoa! Thanks, Stevens.
(What did you do?!) All this mess! Let me go and let me clean it, let me clean up! No, no needle! Please, no needle! No needle! Ohh HE PANTS AND WHIMPERS (A duster.
I'm sorry.
) You didn't find a wedding ring in there, did you? I've got the pathologist's report on fat Polly from the clinic.
Can we please use her surname? Sorry.
Polly Tubbs.
Her surname's Tobbs.
What's the story? The pathologist found extensive bruising across various areas of her body.
It appears she received a savage beating.
Oh, that? That was me and the paramedics.
We had trouble getting her on the stretcher.
That was you? Hey.
You weren't there.
She was like a beached whale God bless her beautiful soul.
Right, go on.
The toxicology report found a large dose of cyanide in her blood.
We also found traces of cyanide on Andrew Bridgely's dinner plate.
So it wasn't suicide? Andrew Bridgely didn't eat his dinner.
I left the tray outside his room.
Polly comes along.
Bingo, she's hit the jackpot.
We were right outside her room.
One of us would have seen her! You fell asleep?! I'll have a pancake.
I may have drifted off for a few minutes.
Ten minutes.
Oh, my god! No more than an hour.
Definitely no more than two.
You take incompetence to an entirely new level.
Oh, do I? So how come they keep promoting me? That's one of the great mysteries of the universe.
Come on.
No harm done.
No harm done to Andrew Bridgely.
That's fine, then.
We'll just chalk Polly up to experience, shall we? Obesity will kill you.
Eating food laced with cyanide will kill you.
Yes, it's quicker, but in the long-term There is no long-term, not for Polly.
She's dead.
What? Where are you going? HE SIGHS I can't eat around this kind of negative atmosphere.
Oh, is it the thought of being responsible for another woman's death(?) Is it putting you off your food a bit(?) No, you put me off my food.
You and your face.
Yeah.
There it is.
So how did the marriage counselling go? Hmm? How do you know about that? Oh, I hear things.
From who? People.
What people? My people.
You have people? It's a black thing.
Oh.
Right.
Wait, you think we're just one big tribe or something? No.
So what was the "Oh" What was that about? All right, hang on.
You said, "It's a black thing.
" We're not allowed "things" now, right? Of course you're allowed black things.
I'm I'm messing, babe.
HE LAUGHS SHE SHRIEKS HE LAUGHS OK, so if having Andrew Bridgely at the clinic is endangering the other patients, we have to move him.
Thank you.
I spoke to a Marshland Clinic overseas.
I think they'll take him.
Where is it? Hawaii.
Hawaii? Aloha! Well, I could actually do with a bit of sun, so Here he is.
This will put a smile on your face.
Get this, we three are going to Hawaii! Oh, Jesus, do you believe this guy? Hawaii! When it comes to relationships, it's the little things that can make a big difference.
I want you to make a list, of all the little things that you can do for your partners that would make a big difference to their happiness.
(Do you want a pen? (Do you? (I'm not the one getting a divorce.
(Right, because that would involve finding someone who actually wanted to marry you.
) OK, take it out on me.
That's fine.
If it helps you to vent (I will break your fingers.
) Was there something you wanted to contribute? Sorry.
Sorry, no.
Please.
I'm sure everybody wants to hear what you have to say.
It's fine, I'm so sorry.
We Jack.
We were Jack it's fine, just We were discussing Kate's divorce.
We were not discussing my divorce.
You are such a prick! I'm sorry.
Well, I think somebody has some hostility issues.
That's abuse.
Why are you getting a divorce? I'm sorry, I I really don't want to talk about this.
You brought it into the group.
No, I didn't.
He did.
She hit her husband with a rolling pin.
You It's domestic violence.
Excuse me, hi, it's actually not domestic violence.
So how would you describe hitting your husband with a rolling pin? I thought he was having an affair.
And was he? HE MOUTHS So why are you so angry with your husband? I'm not discussing my personal life with a bunch of With a bunch of What were you going to call us then? Nothing, I I think she was going to call you mentals.
Was it mentals? Thank you.
Could've been nutters.
Loons.
Whack jobs.
Have you thought about trying to address the small things? Why should I address anything? Why's it down to me to change? What about all the things he does? Would you rather be right, or happy? I think she'd rather be right.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA I hope things work out between you and your husband.
Thank you.
Isn't that sweet? Is my marriage a joke to you? What? Do you think it's funny? No.
You have totally crossed the line.
If you ever, ever do that again Hey, hey, hey, hey! I just, you know, I just thought it would be good for you to talk about it, you know? Did you? Yeah.
I'm going for lunch.
Try not to kill anyone while I'm gone.
Hey, I can't promise anything.
Kate? Hi.
Did you want to see me? Yeah.
I It's your mum's birthday tomorrow.
You came just to tell me it was my mum's birthday? That's very thoughtful.
I had forgotten.
She really likes those celebrity cookbooks if you want to get her something.
Don't get Gordon Ramsay, though.
She hates all the swearing.
Get her Nigella, or Hugh Fearnley-Twat guy.
Thanks.
Those things I said the other day I was angry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
HE EXHALES How did this happen? I don't know.
I don't want us to be like this.
I Where's your ring? What? Where's your wedding ring? Oh! I lost it.
I I took it off Why did you take it off? You couldn't wait, could you? You're already out there.
You're already dating.
Dan! Of course not! Then why did take your wedding ring off? I just did.
You think your marriage is over.
No.
You didn't come down here to tell me about my mum's birthday, did you? You wanted me to see you weren't wearing your ring.
You think I'd do that? You'd bring my mum into this? That is low.
Yeah, well, I'm obviously such a total bitch.
HE SCREAMS I'm so sorry! Oh, Jesus! I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Don't touch me! Sorry, Dan.
I'm really sorry.
Dan, I'm sorry.
Go on.
Take it out, have a feel.
Oh, it's really heavy.
Mmm.
I would love to fire it.
Yeah? Well, we'll see what we can do, huh? Ooh, I better, er, just, er Hi.
It's OK, relax.
It's not loaded.
BULLET CLATTERS TO GROUND Better not leave that lying around.
How's he doing? What a miserable bastard! Total downer.
I guess that's why they call it depression.
Yeah? Are you going to be OK here on your own for a bit? Where are you going? Charlotte's offered to give me a tour of the medical wing.
Why do you need a? Right Fill your boots.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah.
ZIP OPENS Oh, yeah.
Oh Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah HE GROANS Hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The squeezy thing's not working for me.
You've got a lump on your right testicle.
Huh!? I'm serious.
It's just Whoa! Ugh! .
.
there.
HE GROANS OK.
You see it? Right there.
Oh, God.
This is so not how I saw this working out.
It could be a cyst.
The chances are, it's nothing, but we won't know for sure until a surgeon goes in there and has a look.
Has a look? You mean cuts into my testicle with a scalpel? That's generally how they do it.
(Oh, God!) This sort of thing doesn't happen to people like me.
Other people, not me.
It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play How was the medical wing? I don't want to know.
Will you stay with him? He's got some building-trust workshop thing.
HE SCREAMS Well done, well done.
DOOR SLAMS Sorry I'm late.
Perhaps you could find a partner.
Andrew.
(Are you masturbating?) Just fall back, trust Lisa to catch you.
So if I can now have you all up on your feet, if you all want to get up? We'll do it all together at the same time.
So if perhaps different partners? If you'd like to change it up.
Make sure you've got enough space.
Make sure you've got enough room to fall and, er, carry on in your own time.
(Jack? (Jack!) Hmm? (Lisa is (Are you having fun?! (Lisa is the hitman.
) Who? (Shhhh! Lisa.
(I just found these in her room.
) What, she's the hitman? You're kidding me! What? She just found those in your room.
They're not mine.
I stole them.
What? I'm a kleptomaniac.
She is.
Serious abandonment issues.
My ring.
It's my bloody wedding ring! You bitch.
Whose room did you find them in? His! It's OK, it's OK.
Hello.
My name's Kevin and I'm a professional killer.
Put the gun down.
No-one else needs to get hurt.
I get the job done and then I leave.
Everybody just stay calm.
It's nothing personal.
Don't do this.
Don't make me shoot you.
You seem really nice.
Kevin, it's not too late.
Think about it.
Psst! Psst! What're you doing? Sorry, sorry.
I just wanted to tell Kate (I lost the gun.
) You are unbelievable! (Hey, I've just been told I've got a lump on my right testicle, (so why don't you try cutting me some slack?) You've got a lump? Hmm, the right one.
Jesus.
Will you just let him get on with it? Andrew, please, do you want to die? I hired him, you idiot! YOU hired me? Oh, that is dark.
How was I going to get paid? It's an automated transfer.
When I die, you get the rest of the money.
It's all taken care of.
Why didn't you just kill yourself? This way, there's no backing out.
If you want something doing, you out-source it.
You bring in a professional.
Look, Andrew, I understand you must feel very guilty about the bank collapsing I don't feel guilty.
You think I care about all those people who lost their money? Screw them! I failed.
I cannot be a failure.
I'd rather die than be like the rest of these losers.
Hey, shoot him.
Shut up! So, now that that's sorted out, can we please just get on with it? You're the customer.
Kevin.
Why can't you sleep? Your insomnia, that's genuine, isn't it? You want to let me do this and then I'll be on my way.
Why can't you sleep? Don't push it.
You're annoying him.
Why can't you sleep? Ask me that one more time and I will shoot you in the face.
Hey, look at the big guy with the gun! And then I'll shoot you in the face.
Yeah? Why not shoot me in the balls? Aim for the right one.
What are you afraid of? COME ON! SHOOT ME! What is it you see every time you close your eyes? Sh Shut up! Kevin, what is it? I see their faces.
Whose faces? The faces of everyone I've ever killed.
Oh, this is pathetic.
Isn't that telling you something? I used to enjoy killing when I was in the army.
But you don't enjoy it any more? Then stop it.
It's over.
Come on.
GUNSHOT, PEOPLE SCREAM Why does everyone keep picking on me? Can't even find a reliable hitman.
Why is everyone so useless? Oh, by the way, you're under arrest for conspiracy to commit your own murder.
Perfect(!) I'll just get in the back of the van, shall I? Sorry about your testicle.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA Yeah, that'd be lovely.
I heard.
Pancakes, hmm? Yes.
I'm sure it's going to be fine.
Oh, and this is based on what? Years of medical training and an intimate knowledge of my testicles? I have to go, I'm sorry.
Are you going to be OK? Yeah, sure.
You go, I'll be fine.
I'll just sit here and think about dying.
You're not dying! You don't even know it's Yeah, cos things always work out for the best, don't they? Yeah.
Yeah, they do for you.
You're lazy, incompetent, insensitive, you screw up everything.
Yeah, I hope this is going somewhere.
You always land on your feet.
You do, I don't know, you're just You're lucky.
Maybe my luck's just run out.
No.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Breakfast, my treat.
DOOR BELL RINGS OK, I'm not dating.
I'm not seeing anyone.
I lost my ring.
And then I found it.
You can shout at me all you want, Dan, because I'm going to keep showing up till we fix this.
You just have to tell me all the things I do wrong and everything you hate about me and I'll change.
Dan, I swear I will do whatever it takes.
MUSIC AND GROANING Are you watching porn? No.
'It's so big.
I want your big 'Oh, yes.
' Come on, I've got needs.
So does she, by the sound of it.
'Oh, my God.
What are you doing to my twin sister?' You'd think it was obvious.
I'm sure I pressed pause.
Do you want to come in? Do we have to watch porn? Shut up and come in.
WOMAN SHRIEKS AND GROANS You only needed to lower your trousers and pants.
Truth is most women are pretty average.
That was intense.
This is why we make a good team.
Don't use your testicle to justify your complete incompetence! Hello?