Vikingane (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1
What the fuck is
Inbred bastards!
Come on.
Turn that frown upside down.
Smile to the world.
That's all there is to it.
I was awakened by two filthy men
relieving themselves in my mouth!
I think I may have swallowed
some of it.
Number two?
What? No!
Then you've got nothing
to be down in the mouth about.
Pee straight from the source
is perfectly sterile.
Doesn't taste half bad either.
It actually does. It tastes extremely bad.
You'll soon learn to love
these small gags.
You have to take your hat off. The Vikings
are real creative in that area.
I'm not taking my hat off
to being pissed in the mouth!
I'm not doing that.
OK, keep it on, then.
You cheap whore!
- No!
- Stay down!
No, you killed my husband!
Just penetrate me,
but spare the children!
I think I need a break, or something.
A break? I didn't even
know we had started.
Grab some water or something, I
OK. This is just stupid. Huh?
I started thinking too much
and got all stressed.
OK, everyone just get up!
The new husband is failing as usual.
It just hangs there like a snail.
I'm really sorry. As I said,
I started thinking too much.
I forgot to feel,
and got all stressed.
I mean, everyone here at the farm is doing
everything they can to accommodate you.
And it still isn't enough.
What's wrong with you?
I was just trying to get in the mood.
It was an experiment, you know.
I know that your sexual experience only
consists of brute force and rape.
So why this isn't good enough,
you really have to explain.
Well you know, with them it was
They meant nothing to me, so.
And with you, we're married.
And I suppose we are, well,
we are very much in love.
- I think you're so pretty, and
- That's really sweet.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
You want to know what I think?
I think it's extremely embarrassing.
For everyone.
And it's all your fault.
You're not running off
to the archery field, Arvid!
There's a lot to do on
the farm today! Arvid!
Imagine, guys.
My last day as a slave.
I've toiled for over twenty years.
And today, once I return my ax
to the toolshed,
I'm a free man.
- What are you planning on doing?
- Where should I start?
I want to sample
everything life has to offer.
Soak up impressions.
Especially visual impressions.
You've always been an aesthete.
I love looking at things.
To stare.
Glance. Gaze. Squint.
Glare and gawk.
Ogle.
Study. Observe.
Eyeball.
And finally learn to read.
These two eyeballs
sure are going to be used!
Arvid!
Hey, what is that?
I don't see anything.
Yeah, yeah. There are
two very sharp objects
zooming towards
You have to learn how to communicate!
That's what you do in a relationship!
They were arrows!
In the name of Loki!
Do something.
Pull them out.
No, don't pull them out!
- They have barbs.
- You can't know that.
Anyway, you can't walk around with two
arrows sticking out of your head.
Listen to him.
I mean, it'll be too much of a hassle.
Imagine sleeping on your stomach.
It would be impossible.
A lot of things would be impossible.
They have to come out, OK?
Just take it easy, now.
Take it easy. Take it easy.
We're going to save your vision, OK?
It'll be easier if you stop squirming.
Trust us now. On three.
One, two, three!
I
I can't see anything.
Was the operation a success?
No, it wasn't a success at all.
It's awful.
I can see straight into your head.
You were right
about those barbs, though.
Did you just come from the forest?
- All alone?
- Yeah.
- No guards?
- Nope.
- Why didn't you run away?
- Run away? Why would I run away?
I'm here of my own free will.
What do you mean?
I was freed in the mid '80s,
I think. '86.
It just felt so wrong for me out there.
I mean, everything goes so fast.
It's just a totally different
pace out there.
OK.
I feel better
in the strict confines here.
- So you've been institutionalized right?
- Yeah.
I mean, there's no better feeling
than doing
backbreaking work
for someone else without pay.
- So a lot of things feel better than that.
- I seriously doubt it.
Anyway, just give this time.
I guarantee you're gonna love it.
Yeah?
Where's that miserable slave
who's responsible for my fireplace?
It's freezing in here!
I prefer it more temperate.
Yes.
Find him immediately!
This is gonna cost him an ear!
He's gone!
- He's gone?
- Nowhere.
- Can't find him.
- Blow the horn.
Ragnar, Frøya,
look for tracks on the north side.
Viljar, you bring two guys,
see if there are any boats missing.
Arvid, you stay with me.
Let's find this miserable slave.
Arvid?
What in the name of Loki
do you think you're doing?
- Going on a raid.
- Going on a raid?
Not a real raid.
It's kind of a mini-raid.
A slave has escaped, so we
have to find him and bring him back.
So that date we set up ages ago
to share a horn of mead
with Ansgar and Lone
to discuss odes and poetry
suddenly isn't important anymore?
- Was that today?
- Yeah, that was today.
So you can just forget about
this sword fight or whatever it is.
But Chieftain Olav needs me.
You need me.
Olav, seriously?
Look me in the eye and tell me you can't
find one puny little slave without Arvid.
Of course we can.
Of course we can. No problem.
But Ansgar and Lone are the lamest
couple ever. I don't even know them!
That's kind of the point. That you
get to know some of my friends
so we can find some couples
to hang out with.
This is actually quite important.
Finding couples to hang out with
is important!
To do something social together.
And now you're going to mope
and you're the one who
broke the agreement!
We found his tracks!
He's heading north through the forest!
From below the dragon
dark comes forth,
Nithhogg flying
from Nithafjoll;
The bodies of men
on his wings he bears,
The serpent bright:
But now
must I sink.
Look, goose bumps.
That was lovely, Orm.
That was so powerful.
I'm totally spent.
Cheers, everyone.
So glad you could all make it.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Everyone was supposed to
bring a poem special to them.
So, maybe Arvid you can read yours?
Do you have a poem dear to your heart?
I don't know that many poems,
but I have written one myself.
- Oh, good, good, good!
- I don't know if it's any good.
- Don't sell yourself short.
- We're looking forward to this, Arvid.
I'll bet there's a real poet
hidden under that rough surface.
Give us some poetic fodder
to chew on, Arvid.
Show us there's something going on
inside that warrior skull of yours.
- Here goes.
- When you're ready.
One, two, three.
Take out your wee-wee.
Four, five
Grab your bride.
Six, seven, eight.
Open up her gate
I think maybe I'll just stop you there.
Nine, ten.
Fuck her then!
Help!
Help!
I've been held captive by barbarians
on the other side of the mountain.
You wouldn't believe what kind
of people they are. They keep slaves!
- Really?
- Yes.
And not just me.
There are many.
- The sanitary conditions are terrible.
- You are safe here.
Thank you.
Come with me. I'll get you
some warm food and a nice bed.
on men's lives.
The wound-sea roared
on the headland of swords.
The flood of barbs fell down
on the shore of Stord.
That's lovely.
That's what I call true poetry, Arvid.
Arvid, what do you think he means,
when he says:
"Wound-fires burned in bloody sores"?
He probably means what he says.
Isn't that usually the way it works?
It's more what it doesn't say.
You have to read between the lines.
That's why we're here. To interpret.
So what do you think?
It's almost funny how little
is going on inside that massive head.
Anyone home?
Anyone home?
Just messing with you.
Seriously?
What is this?
What kind of people trick people
in distress into more distress?
Oh, great Odin, accept
our offer!
Hang on!
You're being pretty reckless
with that torch.
Quiet!
I'm standing on flammable material.
You will burn for a worthy cause.
Wait, wait, wait!
You can't burn an artist.
I'm valuable.
I can act.
- Never heard of it.
- Never heard of acting?
No.
It happens to be
one of the noblest of stage arts.
Wait!
Pantomime?
Magic?
You must have heard of magic.
Now we are excited.
A real magician.
Show us what you've got.
Nothing unusual
with these hands, right?
What if I magically pulled off
one of my thumbs?
You can't do that. It's impossible.
Thumbs are stuck.
He ripped his thumb off
and put it right back again!
And he's not even bleeding!
Now he's climbing up an imaginary wall.
He's peeking out of a wall made of air.
He's peeking
out from a wall of air!
He's pulling himself
with an imaginary rope.
He's climbing an imaginary rope!
- It's a rope?
- Yes.
This is great magic.
He's climbing up a wall.
He opens
Yeah!
He's leaning himself on the air.
See that?
Very good.
This slave of ours is much
more valuable than we thought.
He's taking a look outside a door
What is he building up to now?
Who are you?
- What do you want?
- You have something that belongs to me.
Frøya, we're actually in control here, so.
Have you ever heard of
the man who had too much control?
No.
No?
OK.
Where was I?
- You have something that belongs to me.
- What?
That.
Normally,
I would kill all of you.
But you, my good man, managed to
bring forth great magic
in something I thought was a normal slave.
So I'll just do like this.
Do you hear me?
Never steal from Chieftain Olav.
Hey!
Here you go.
Jump.
Jump!
So said at least one nobleman
who never cursed the devil!
Maybe that one was easier.
So what was that about, Arvid?
It's basic, Arvid. Come on.
Coo-coo!
He didn't get this one either.
Anyone home?
What in Loki's name
do you think you're doing?
You don't go out that door, Arvid!
You apologize now!
I think the best thing to do
is to apologize, Arvid.
We can't have a couples' party
on New Year's Eve
if you keep punching ladies
in the face, Arvid!
- Hey. You're just a tiny bit late, Arvid.
- I had to finish that poetry thing.
Yeah, was it fun?
Did you enjoy yourself?
You know about relationships.
It's about give and take. So
Hanging out with other couples
is important, so
You have to prioritize.
Yeah, and you had to give
a little extra today.
Arvid, we discussed it,
and what happened earlier there
It's really not OK.
No, but in a relationship it's important
to respect
that one has different interests.
And this time Liv's interests
were more important than mine.
You mustn't lose yourself
in the relationship.
- No, of course. No, no.
- That's rule number one.
No.
Mutual respect, I think,
is rule number one.
And I feel I have a lot of that.
Liv?
Liv?
I think the door might have jammed.
I'm sorry about Lone.
It shouldn't have happened, but it did.
And I take full responsibility for it.
Liv?
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, kid. Hi!
Hi. Come over here.
Are you out playing?
Yeah?
You wanna play a game with me?
Have you ever heard of a game
called "dig out the body"?
You see that shovel behind you?
By the tree? Go get that shovel,
and I'll show you something really fun.
That's a good boy!
Now take that shovel,
and carefully dig around my head.
It's a little bit uncomfortable for me
to be buried like this.
What are you doing?
You son of a whore!
Don't!
No, don't do it!
You're gonna regret it! Ow.
Water!
I need water!
Can I get some water, please?
Preferably with a slice of lemon.
Lime could also work.
And if that's not OK
Regular water would be fine, I guess.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Orm.
I'm the chieftain's brother.
OK.
I'm first in heir to the throne, so
you could probably say
I'm a sort of a bigwig,
if you have to put
a label on it.
Maybe you can get me out of here then?
That's not entirely impossible.
But rumor has it
you have some sort of amazing
gift, bordering on magic.
- I'm very curious.
- The thumb trick and the pantomime?
Yes, yes, people said
it was a magical performance.
Those are just simple tricks
to please children.
I'm actually an actor.
A fabulous actor, by the way.
Actor?
What is an actor?
You pretend to be
a different person than you are,
- in order to tell some sort of story?
- Yes.
That's incredible!
Where I come from, that's where
the power lies. In the arts.
Art can topple emperors
and make people filthy rich.
That is exciting.
You should have seen me.
The life I had.
Yeah.
The wealth. The food.
Orgies every day.
- Orgies?
- Yeah.
Naked, oily women and men,
like tangled together
in every position possible.
- Both men and women together?
- Yeah.
Same gender?
- Both men and women.
- Both genders?
Both yeah.
If you grab the one next to you,
and it's a man, that's OK?
Everything is legal.
That should be possible to have
that up here, in the North as well.
Well, yeah, I don't see why not?
You and I have so much to talk about.
I feel that we have this sort of
- Chemistry.
- No.
No, it's more like a contact.
We have this
That's called chemistry.
It's a connection. It's a connection
that we have. Lots in common.
I think the word you're looking
for is chemistry.
No, no, no.
It's more like
there's something deeper.
It's like another layer.
We understand each other without
really having to say something.
Yeah, and that's called chemistry!
Hello?
Hello, is anyone there?
Orm, is that you
sneaking around here again?
You received strict orders
not to sneak around the shitting log.
Orm, I thought we agreed on this.
There have been
too many negative reactions.
People find this very unpleasant.
Nice to see you again.