Walking and Talking (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1 This record is brilliant! They're a new band called The Specials, and this is a new version of an old Prince Buster song.
I don't usually like it when new bands do old songs, but this one's great - I really, really like it.
This week I'm reading Love on the Dole by Walter Greenwood.
It's set in Salford, which is in Manchester.
I was a bit shocked when I read it cos it's set in the 1930s I didn't know they had the dole back then.
I thought it was Edward Heath with the teeth and the 3-day week.
But times were very, very hard after World World I.
Especially up north.
My big brother just read this.
He laughed when I asked to borrow it and said "Good luck.
" I's a bit annoyed, cos I'm a good reader, but I couldn't get past the first page! Bit too brainy for me.
I'll try it again when I'm a bit older.
Morecambe and Wise are on ITV now.
It's a flippin' disaster.
Oi-oi.
Look at this.
It's a little fella from the 1900s.
Oh, shu' up! Look at the state of it.
You can talk! Where's your pipe, Granddad? So original.
I like your sexy shoes.
Yours ain't much better.
What's this crap you're listening to? It's not crap, man.
It's jungle music.
Better than that rubbish you listen to.
Elvis is dead, you know.
Mouth on her! What'd you say? Elvis.
He's dead, in' he? Gi's a kiss.
What?! Gi's a kiss.
Noh! Come on.
You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
Nah, I ain't.
You're gorgeous.
The spit of Marilyn Monroe.
You're taking the mick! Nah! Am I? Are you nothin' like Marilyn Monroe? Could've sworn you was her daughter! Leave me alone, will ya! Don't you ever say Elvis is dead to me again! He'll never be dead.
He's the king of rock and roll.
And he's gonna live forever.
Muppet.
Hi, guy.
Alright? Gordon Bennett, what happened? Fred the Ted.
No! Smashed my recorder.
Oh, my god! Took me ages to save for it.
Bang out of order! And it took me two days to make the tape.
My dad's goin' through a sober phase.
Keeps puttin' the flippin' hoover on.
If Tom Robinson was here he'd have kicked his head in.
Is that the coloured boy from the flats? No.
He does the Rock Against Racism.
He did that Glad To Be Gay song.
Oh.
I know.
A bit embarrassing that.
But it was a really, really good song.
Yeah, me mum liked it.
So bad a bloke picking on a girl.
He loomed in right close.
I could see his fillings.
His breath was alright.
Minty.
And he was nice looking, but Man, I thought I was a goner.
I think teddy boys look stupid.
Do ya? Yeah.
They all look about 40.
They look like me dad! Yeah.
They look like a bunch of old men! To be quite honest, Mare, I can't tell the difference between Dwayne Freddy Eddie and lil' biddy Richard, and Jerry Lee Wotsit and the Bing Bongs or whatever.
And me.
And that stupid bop dance they do.
It's flippin' ridiculous! And jive! Mum and Dad do the jive when they're on the whisky.
Look a right couple of plebs! Tell you what, I hate headbangers more than plebs.
They're SO ugly! That's the headbanging law.
Can't wash or brush their teeth if they got new jeans they gotta wee on them before they put 'em on.
Oh! What would you do if a headbanger asked you out? Be lucky if anyone asked me out! But if one did, I'd have to say no.
Be a clash of musical tastes.
Barneys over the record player.
And when he'd open his mouth for a frenchie you'd gag at his breath.
That'd be really bad.
Be like a cat with a fur ball every time you went in for a smooch.
Don't! You make me feel sick.
Stop it.
Flippin' heck.
Sorry, Mare.
I told you! You got a hankie? Noh.
Or a tissue or something? No, sorry, mate.
Blimey, that was mad! Got any chewing gum? Uh, yeah, here you are.
Juicy Fruits.
Have two, or people'll think you're a headbanger with your sicky breath.
How's that? Oh, god! Don't! Come on.
Where we going, guy? Up the Royal Oak.
Radio last night was saying there might be a secret gig.
Really.
What's the band? It's a secret gig! Cor.
Imagine if it's Junkie Jesus or The Vibrators, or something.
Don't know any of them.
I would love it to be The Specials.
That'd be the best thing ever! I can come for a bit, but then I'm meeting Larry for half-six.
Oh.
Are you? Thought you saw him yesterday.
I did.
But he wants to see me tonight.
Blimey he's keen, in' he? It's three weeks! Never thought I'd got out with anybody for that long.
I thought he'd be bored with me by now, but he says I'm this most interesting person he's ever met.
You going to the Wimpy? Meeting him there, then he's taking me to the pictures.
Going to Screen on the Green.
We're going to see Apocalypse Now.
What? You can't see that, it's an X! I know.
That's what I said! But his mate works there.
Said he could sneak me in.
Honestly, guy, Larry's got mates all over the place! He knows people from Stepney.
Blimey.
Could I come? Where? To the pictures.
Do you reckon his mate could get me in, as well? Dunno.
Don't think so.
Can't you ask, Larry? I'd love to see Apocalypse Now.
Barry Norman said it's the film of the year.
He's takin' a risk tryin' to get me in.
You don't even like films.
I'm the film buff.
You fell asleep in It's A Wonderful flippin' Life! It ain't about that, though.
I'm hangin' out with Larry.
I ain't bothered about films.
It's about the war, and I hate films about the war.
See! I know but it's what he wants to do, and I wanna do what he wants.
Ooh.
Oh, you better be careful there, man.
You don't wanna do what he wants all the time.
That can lead you down a slippery slope, and before you know it you'll be going to football and boxing.
No.
You should've said you don't like war films.
Should've said, "Thanks, darling, for the kind invitation, but I shall decline on account of the fact that war films bore me bum off.
" It's exciting, though, innit, goin' to see an X.
Does your mum know? No.
You won't tell her, will you? Blimey, Mare, who am I - Huggy Bear? Anyway, I don't think we'll see any of the film.
He'll just wanna kiss me all the time.
Yeah? Yeah, he can't stop kissing me.
He says I'm a brilliant kisser.
Did he? Yeah, man.
Last week he was all stubbly, hadn't had a shave.
I had a big rash on my chin when I got home! In the morning there was a scab, so I picked it off and put it under my pillow.
Because it was created by him.
Like a baby, sort of.
Do you think that's disgusting? No, I think that's lovely.
He was really sorry the next day when he saw the mark.
But the said it was my fault for being so gorgeous.
He says I'm a much better kisser than Bernie Cavey.
He says she's like a vampire.
That's why I don't like getting lovebites.
Cos she actually bit him once.
I thought you're meant to bite.
That's why they're called lovebites.
Nah, you're meant to suck! Suck? Yeah, suck, guy! Suck! Blimey.
Good thing you've got a proper boyfriend, I dunno the half of it.
He's teachin' me loads.
You ain't done anything else with him, have you? No.
Course not.
Just kissing.
I let him feel my thrupennies for a bit, but that's it He knows I'm not ready for anything else just yet.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
You ain't been with him long.
You don't want hin to think you're a slag.
I love kissing him though, man! Makes me go all dreamy.
Yesterday we did a frenchie that lasted over seven minutes! He's got a digital watch and times them.
Could've gone to ten, but I had to sneeze.
Flippin' heck, I wish I had a poxy boyfriend.
I've only had two snogs in my whole life, and the second one was rotten cos he'd been sniffin' glue.
Yuck! Hasn't Larry got any mates that would fancy me? No, I don't think so.
They're older than us.
Maybe there'll be someone when you start your drama club.
That could be ages away! I've had my name on the list for two flipping years now! I'll be a worn out old bag in me twenties by the time I get in.
Please can I come to Apocalypse Now with you? No.
What a week! I don't mind telling you, sister, I'm fair worn out with it.
But I'm satisfied.
Do you know what I mean? Job satisfaction.
There's nothing quite like it.
Hm.
I'm looking forward to the film tonight.
Oh, I love Friday night film night.
Great crack.
I get a child-like excitement in my belly when I see Michael pull up in the van and heave all that magnificent equipment into the dining room.
I love it when I have my crisps, my orange juice, and if I'm lucky, my Toblerone.
And then the curtains are drawn, and the whole room goes black.
Apart from the beautiful red glow pulsing from the icon of Our Lady.
And the anticipation.
I LOVE the anticipation.
What is it? What film will it be? Will it be an old favourite? Will it be something new? OH! Do you know what would be marvellous? Song of Bernadette! It's been the longest time.
I love, love, love-and-adore The Song of Bernadette! Will you calm down! It's a beautiful film.
In fact, it's the film that convinced me this was my calling.
Jennifer Jones is a joy to behold.
She's so holy! What an actress.
I'd go as far as to say she could be my favourite.
Could she now? I like Katherine Hepburn, of course.
Who doesn't! And Bette Davis is filled with a devilment that I secretly admire.
But, yes, I'd have to admit Jennifer Jones is my favourite actress.
And what may I ask are your views on suicide? Suicide? Yes, sister.
Suicide.
It's a simple enough question.
Well, I should imagine my opinion is much the same as yours.
It's a dreadful thing for a person to do.
It's a sin.
And one of the big ones.
Hm.
That's right.
It's a whopper! Abhorrent.
So how would you feel if I was to tell you that Miss Jennifer Jones made an attempt to take her own life What?! That's right! She didn't.
She did, indeed.
God bless us and save us.
AND what if I was to tell you that Miss Jones's daughter, a child she brought into this world and brought up under the guidance of Our Lord Jesus Christ ALSO made an attempt to take HER own life and succeeded.
Oh, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, that can't be true! Oh, I assure you it's very true indeed.
You see, you're a very naive creature, sister.
As naive as some of these egits we teach.
I'm devastated! And so you should be! Actresses?! They're the whores of the feckin' world! That's it.
Game over.
Feck off home.
Sing if you're glad to be gay Sing if you're happy that way Hey! Sing if you're glad to be gay Sing if you're happy that way Sing if you're glad to be gay Sing if you're happy that way Hope Larry didn't hear me singing that.
Hello! Whitehall 1-2-1-2.
Hello? This is a phone box.
Oh, no.
I can't see no one.
Hang on.
See if there's a bloke round the corner.
Flippin' heck! Oi.
Phone.
There's someone on the phone for you.
He's just coming.
Goodbye.
Quick hop it! Hello there! Hello.
How you doin'? Alright.
Are you my new secretary? No.
Y'are! You're my new secretary, sweetheart.
And you.
You're the cleaner! Flip off! I ain't your cleaner! Who was that on the phone? I dunno.
Ask 'em.
You ask 'em.
I ain't your slave! Ask 'em! Who is it? Yeah, he's here.
Wants to know who it is.
It's your mum.
You can't do that! That was your mum That's really wrong.
So rude! You're going to hell for that! Yeah.
It's one of the deadly sins! If she died tomorrow you'd feel your really, really bad.
If she died then you'd feel worse.
Shut your cake hole! Hey, don't I know yous.
No.
No.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a wee bell in my head going ding-a-ling-a-ding.
Sure it ain't the phone ringing again? Do you think you're funny? No.
Do you think you're Charlie Chaplin? Do you think you're Ken Dodd? No! You look like Ken Dodd.
You look like one of his Diddy men.
No, I don't, guy! Yeah, you do! The hair and the hat and the teeth.
You got terrible teeth, man! Why have you got such terrible teeth? Don't be so rude! Does your mummy never take you to the dentist? Oh! No, her mum doesn't take her to the dentist cos her mum can't take her to the dentist, cos her mum's dead! It's alright, man.
What? Is your mummy dead? Have you got a dead mummy?! S'alright, don't worry about it, man.
Oh, I'm so, so sorry! S'alright.
You didn't kill her.
- I'm so sorry.
Take this.
- Um Take it.
No Take it.
Ease the pain that I'm feeling in my heart! OK, man, thanks! Maybe you should be nicer to your mum! Talk to her if she rings again! Cos maybe next time you go to talk to her, SHE might be dead! Then you'd feel really REALLY BAD! Yeah.
I like you.
You're full of spunk.
Whoah! Ourgh! That's disgusting! No spunk in me, guy! Her boyfriend will beat you up if she tells him to.
Smash your stupid face in! So what? Tell him.
See if I care.
I do judo.
I'm a kung fu fighter, pal.
Shut up, you stupid man.
Flippin' heck, guy.
Run! That was really funny! You were brilliant.
I was shaking in my boots! Isn't as if I's scared of him! I am.
He's been locked up the Friern Barnet.
Where all the nut-nuts go.
What? My dad said he stabbed a dog in the head.
What? With a fork.
Blimey! He could've killed us! Yeah, guy.
Mare.
Yeah.
Are my teeth bad? What you ask me that for? It's what he said.
I know they ain't straight and shiny like yours, but they can't be so bad a flippin' borderline tramp says something! Larry said something.
What? Larry said something about your teeth.
When? Why? What did he say? He wasn't being horrible.
But what? I'd asked, you see.
Asked if he had any mates that might fancy you.
Did you? When? The other day.
Why didn't you say earlier? Didn't want to upset you.
Oh, flippin' heck, is it really bad? No, not really bad.
Come on, then.
What did he say? No, no, tell me what you said first, then exactly what he said.
Well, we were sat holding hands, and I said Do you think Kath's pretty? Wha'?! Why did you ask him that? Even I know the flippin' answer to that one No, listen! He said I wouldn't say pretty, I'd say handsome.
Handsome? BLOKES are flippin' handsome.
Are you gonna let me finish? Yeah.
Sorry, Mare.
I just feel bright red.
So I said just that - Blokes are handsome, not girls.
He said, You can call girls handsome if they're not pretty-pretty, but not dead ugly either.
But then he said Don't get me wrong, she's not bad, I've seen worse, but then he said, She's a bit lad, and a bit fat, but if she got her choppers sorted out, she could be alright.
Why did he say I was lad.
Eh? Why'd he say I was a bit lad? I dunno.
Didn't you ask? No.
You should've asked him! Sorry.
I don't think being lad is a bad thing.
I think that's a bloke thing.
Blokes like girls who are quiet, cos they like to be the lad one, or the chatty one or the funny one.
Ah, see, I don't mind the rest of the stuff, that's quite useful.
And you're a good mate for asking, but he can stick bein' lad up his anal.
Don't tell him I said that.
Oh, I don't flippin' believe it! It's a load of flippin' old-timers.
Don't let 'em see me.
Oh, flippin' heck, what do I do now? I dunno.
I gotta go in a minute.
What a waste of flippin' time.
I'd really better go.
I don't wanna be late meetin' Larry.
Is that new? Yeah, Larry bought it for me.
What for? Three-week anniversary.
Ain't it fancy? Yeah Yeah, it's pretty nice.
I better go.
What? Oh, yeah, alright then.
Will you be OK? Of course, I will.
What'll you do? Dunno.
Go home, I suppose.
Can't hang round here.
Get my flamin' head kicked in.
Well, I best be off.
Yeah.
Have a nice time.
Oh.
When you see Larry's mate, the one who's gonna sneak you in, could you ask him if he'd sneak me in when Quadrophenia comes out.
I REALLY wanna see it and I cannot wait till I'm 18, cos that would be the worst thing ever.
OK.
Tell him I've got the original album and I'm a massive fan of Phil Daniels.
He goes to the drama club I'm gonna go to.
It's really important I see it.
OK.
Tell him I'll pay him, and there's no way on earth I will tell anyone.
OK, see you later then! See you later, guy.
No kicking! Oi, Frank.
Quick.
In here.
Frank! Come on, Frank, where are you? It's alright now, mate.
They've gone.
Muppet.
I hate teds.
I flippin' hate 'em!