Wannabe (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Three, two, one, and action.
Hi, guys, it's a vlog update.
The hunt for my bandmates continues.
The latest is I've added Mel on Facebook.
You may not remember her, but she was the fit one with limited singing ability.
No, Enrique, I'm telling Daddy! Right, that's it, what have I said about not talking when I'm filming? Yeah? Do you want to just walk to school? You can just get out right now if that's what you want.
- Right, are we sorted, guys? - Yes.
Right, good.
Action.
Hi, guys, it's a vlog update.
Now, you might think my life is all glitz and glamour, but sometimes I have to be a bog-standard mum as well and do the school run.
Right, that's it, go on, get out, you've made your choice.
Shut the door, please.
You're going the wrong way, you idiots.
How do you not know where to go?! You've been going there for years.
It's that way.
Can I just stop you there? Everyone's quiet at the minute, you know, it's just that time of year.
No, come on, Dane, don't be ridiculous.
Look, speaking as your manager, I can honestly say that you're 100% my focus.
What? They're not taking your picture off the website.
No, come on, Dane, the Internet isn't instant.
I'll need to get the IT tech bods to do it.
Dane? Dane? Christ! Neil, can you stop fidgeting so much? I can barely even hear myself think.
Bloody Dane.
So, Dane's fucked off to Dubai.
Can you take his picture off the website? Yeah, in a bit.
I can't get this melody right.
Hmm Do you think I should get the iPhone X, or should I go Android? Oh, I'm getting the X, it's got facial recognition.
Yeah? Retina What's that? Hey, Neil! Yo! What do you think, huh? Yeah! Yeah, Wow! Very Italian.
- When did this happen? - Last Tuesday.
Yeah.
Sarah took me to this place called River Island.
How's it going with Sarah the brass? - Sorry, Sarah? - It's going well, actually.
We've been messaging each other a lot.
And is she still .
.
working in the brothel? Yes, yeah.
Yeah, it's fascinating, really.
- I've learned a lot from her.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
So, what do you need to get? Well, I was thinking about getting a pair of jeans, you know, to match the jacket.
Wow, like a denim suit? Yeah, I guess.
So, are you guys OS or Android? - It's a Samsung.
- Yeah, nice, nice.
Yeah, I thought about the Samsung.
I'm just really stuck in the Apple ecosystem.
Yeah, you know, they've really got me by the scrotum.
Look, I can tell you're nervous, girls.
You just need to remember, yeah, Victor B, he's just like any other producer.
He just happens to be very prolific.
I mean, he worked with Variety all the time back in the day.
Oh, well, he must be good, then.
Exactly! And who here likes Ellie Goulding? Yeah? Because he actually did some of her early high hats.
Wow.
I shit you not.
And do you know the Clean Bandits? Because he actually did the bongo bits for the M&S ad.
- You know, the one with the bread in it.
- Oh, I remember that one.
Are you taking the mickey, Kim? - No.
- Would you like to come this way? Oh, right, yeah, could we get four wraps, some nibs, and just any other freebies, any sort of general cool bits we've got? Come on, girls, this is costing me a small fortune.
Come along.
Bring my phone, Kim, and anything else I've left.
Is it this way? I don't understand why you'd pay for an item - that already has holes in it.
- What? I'm just saying, this hooded sweater looks damaged.
What do you think of these bad boys? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah.
If you think so.
Yeah.
I think.
- Is that Sarah again? - Yeah.
We like to stay in touch when we're not together.
That's nice.
What is she saying? "Hey, my little beaver" That's her name for me.
".
.
what are you up to?" What shall I reply? Just tell her what you're up to.
Are you paying for those messages? Not any more.
It's all free.
Everything's free? Everything! - So you're dating? - Yeah.
Yeah, I kind of guess we are.
You're dating fit Sarah, the brass? Yeah.
Do you not find it weird that she's You know, she's a sex worker? No! No, not at all.
She loves her work.
It's her passion.
And she's really bloody good at it.
So, why would that bother me? Well, because she's with She's, you know, if she's on Oh, I can't believe that's come back around.
I used to wear stuff like that in Deton8.
I'm going to go and try these bad boys on.
Fucking hell! I forgot how much fun it was being in the studio.
This takes me right back.
OK, let's start on the hook.
Who wants to kick it off? - Anyone? - I will.
What about Given it all away I could have You know, this is actually really hard.
Yeah, I told you so, it's not as easy as it looks, is it, Chantal? Look at it like this, it's like you're writing a letter to somebody important.
Maybe, like, an ex.
OK, what about Given it all away We could have been something.
Nice, I like that.
It sounds good.
Kim, anything? No, I don't, sorry.
Come on, Kim.
Look, think about how you're feeling.
What are you giving away in the song? I kind of felt like I gave a part of myself away to my last boyfriend, and I never quite got it back.
Sorry, do you mean your virginity, Chantal? I thought you were supposed to share stuff like this with me.
I thought I was, like, your big sister! - Big sister, yeah? - She's older than my mum! Sorry, what's the joke? What are we laughing about? - What? - Anyway, back to the song.
Vic, can we get some lunch menus in here? What do you fancy for lunch, girls? Shall we get a bit of sushi? Do you like sushi? I love a bit of sushi, it's good, isn't it? - Brain food.
- Maxine, Maxine - Yeah.
- We're in the middle of writing.
Yeah, it's a bit early for lunch, isn't it? Guys, my phone is actually ringing, so I'm going to have to take this.
But, Vic, are you OK to crack on without me? Yeah, I'm pretty sure we'll manage.
Hello, Maxine Hancock speaking.
Yes, is this a private or business matter? No, I'm not busy, no.
Yeah, all right, let's talk upgrades.
So, Sarah actually lets you do that? Yeah.
Maxine won't even let me do missionary position! Oh, you should try military position.
What's militarily position? So, basically, it's when the lady lies on her back and the man The man's on top.
Excuse me, sorry, Courtney.
I wonder if I can ask you a question of a rather personal nature.
You might want to speak to the pharmacist.
No, it's cool, you got this.
So, I've been wearing a cap for decades.
And as a consequence, I've developed chronic man's dandruff, you know, it's pretty serious.
Have you got anything that would help? Because I've just started dating, and, you know, my girlfriend, Sarah, she she gets a little weirded out if I keep the cap on - with the lights off, if you know what I mean.
- Right, OK.
We've got some medicated shampoos.
- OK.
- Just here.
Something like that? Great.
And this is, like, rinse and repeat? Yeah.
It should do the trick.
OK, great.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks, Courtney.
- Good luck.
I can't believe you can actually buy these in the chemist's.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You You need the Ah, yeah.
Stallion! It's a longer battery life.
Yeah, right, people don't actually use these.
You're joking, right? Do you not put anything on your penis? No No.
I'm just going to pay for these.
Do you? Darren, I will be forced to switch service providers if you can't give me your best deal on the X.
Yeah, OK, yeah, yeah, I know, it is your best deal.
No, no, yes, I would still like the upgrade.
OK, well, if we get the Spotify New Music Friday then we're all set for a hit.
I will send the CDs straight over.
MP3s Sam, hey! - How's it going? - Oh, Maxine, hi! Yeah.
How's record company life? - Are you still working for the man? - Oh, yeah, same job, same label, yeah.
You are looking fantastic! Is that a new haircut? Erm Oh, I think it's just the same one.
Right.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm just getting a bit creative in the studio with the girls.
Right, with, um .
.
Sweet Girls? - Sweet Gyal.
- Gyal.
- Yeah.
Speaking of which, we haven't actually booked in that second meeting, have we? Yeah, things are Fancy a casual sit-down now, seeing as we're both in? Oh, God, I would love to do that, but I'm actually, I'm just in the middle of something with a new artist.
It's really good to see you.
- You too.
- No, it's great to just I'm just going to nip back to it.
Is that a Diet Coke you're drinking there? Uh, this is, yeah.
This is so spooky, Sam.
- Is it? - Diet Coke's my absolute fave.
We have so much in common, don't we? - You know what I'd like more than anything? - What? I'd love to have just a good rummage around in that brain of yours, you know, I bet we agree on everything.
Possibly, potentially, yeah.
Maybe, don't know.
You know when you just really connect with someone on so many different levels? It doesn't happen very often.
No, I'm not sure that's what's happening here necessarily I'm so sorry, Sam, just one second.
Hi, Darren, what now? I'll get the upgrade.
Mel? Oh, my God, it's Mel from Variety! Yeah, that was me, I did the flyers.
Yeah, what are you up to? Sorry, Sam! Do you want to go and get a drink soon? We can get an afternoon jolly today, maybe - Sorry! - Oh, OK, I'll call you.
Mel, what are you up to right now? Mel, I'm en route.
- Have you tried sexting? - Not intentionally.
Are you sexting right now? Have a look.
"I want to lie back and let you do bad things to me.
" She means good things.
"I love thinking about you.
"You're spanking me and pulling my hair.
"Rub my" Oh, right! Well, she's switching tenses quite a lot.
Well, keep going, you're getting to my bit.
The meat! "Yeah, I want to do that too.
"And then I want to kiss your forehead until you sleep.
" Are yours sexts, Mikey? I'm not sure your ones are sexts.
Oh, they're sexts.
Don't be such a prude, Neil! Everyone's doing it.
I'm telling you, it works every time, you're missing a trick.
You've got to sext it! Nah, come off it, mate, I'm past all that.
I'm married with two kids.
You know, I'm not a sex machine.
There's a sex machine in everyone.
OK? My libido lay dormant for ten years, Neil.
I didn't even know what a libido was.
I thought it was a swimming pool.
An outdoor swimming pool.
We should go and pick the twins up.
Come on.
- Hiya, Max! - Hiya.
Oh, wow! Oh, my God, it's so weird to see you, you look great! Yeah.
You're looking - .
.
well, yeah, really well.
- Thanks.
- Mm.
Bam bam Eh, what a bam bam Bam bam dilla Bam bam Bam bam dilla Bam bam, eh Do you think I should sext Maxine? One hundred percent.
I'm worried it might freak her out a bit.
- It's not really our thing.
- Just have some faith.
OK? Make her a nice meal, send her a sext.
I bought you a present.
Thanks.
- Bye, kids.
- Bye! Neil! Let me know how it goes tonight.
And give us a call if you need any help, all right? And then just after my carpal tunnel started playing up again, I was diagnosed with a fatty liver, and that made me less concerned about the thyroid stuff.
And after the diagnosis, Keith left me, and it sort of all put it into perspective.
You're a bloody mess, aren't you? So, what's your schedule like at the minute, Mel? Well, I'm actually very free, Max.
I haven't really worked since the kids, although being a mum is the hardest job in the world.
- Is it? - Is this about the poster? Are you planning a reunion meal? Because that would be lovely.
No, no.
Listen, Mel, you know how people say that when you have kids you life's over? - Do they? - Well, it doesn't have to be that way.
- But I - Mel I'm getting Variety back together.
Are you joking? What? No, I'm not joking.
Do I look like I'm joking? Christ, I get more sense out of the bloody twins.
What's happening up there? Don't get me wrong, Max, I loved being in the band, but look at me! I'm a single mum with a six-inch Caesarean scar and a couple of extra pounds.
I think it's more than a couple, Mel.
Look, what if I said to you that you could be a mum pop star? - What do you mean? - Think of it this way -- you're past it, and that's what's great about you.
You're relatable, you're accessible, you're nothing special.
- Right.
- And I want Variety to be a band for women just like yourself.
I want us to be the first-ever band of mums.
Right I'm not sure, Max.
Variety's all in the past now.
Look, the bottom line is, Mel, it sounds like you literally have nothing else going on, so you should really be biting my arm off for this.
Yeah, sorry, you're right.
At least it'll get me out of the house.
Is that a yes, then? Yeah, all right, then.
- Yes, excellent.
- Oh, shall we get some champagne to celebrate, - like the olden days? - Yeah, all right.
Let's get rat-arsed.
Daddy, Daddy! I'll be down in a minute.
Guess who just sealed another deal? I've got Mel back on board for Variety.
Oh, fuck.
I love this industry! - Where have you been? - Huh? - Have you been in the pub, Maxine? No, it's not a pub, Chantal, it's a wine bar.
It's where deals are done, honey.
- OK, honey.
- So where are we at, Vic? How's it looking? Oh, they're doing great.
Kim had a fantastic idea.
Christ, that's a first! Oh, cheer up, Kim.
Well, let's roll playback, please.
That means press play, Victor.
Give me a second! Oooh, someone's got their knickers in a twist, haven't they? Oh, Victor, calm down.
Given it all away We could have been something You took away my heart, I was so full of pain Given it all away I'll be OK some day The world has a way of tu-urning my way-ay.
You took away my heart, I was so full of pain Given it all away I'll be OK some day The world has a way of turning What the fuck?! Maxine! We're recording vocals.
"I want to spank you and pull your hair.
"Is there anything you want to do to me?" What the actual hell? Has he completely lost it this time? Did you not hear him?! Can you shut the fuck up? We're trying to finish this.
You've gone out, you've disappeared and you've come back wrecked.
You're obviously more interested in being in your granny band than you are in helping us get anywhere.
Why don't you just go back to sleep? Sorry, I'm confused, what's happening here? Do you want my creative expertise or not? You're giving me very mixed signals here.
No, we're done with this.
Not this routine again, girls, come on.
Look, why don't you just leave so that we can finish our song, yeah? No, no, I should stay.
Right, Vic? Maybe give us some space to finish up, eh? All right, fine, have it your way.
I need to go and sort this spanking business out anyway, so Oh, good, I'll take that for the road.
Jesus! - You're back.
- Yep.
- Anything you want to tell me? - What do you mean? The hairdo, the chicken Kievs Come on, Neil, I wasn't born yesterday.
What's going on here? I just thought it'd be nice to make an effort.
What was that message about? Oh, the sext! Everybody else is doing it, so why can't we? Sext?! The millennials have sexts, not us! I just thought, um, it would be nice to .
.
inject a bit of excitement back into our relationship.
Typical man, aren't you? Always thinking with your willy.
Get off, Neil! We haven't had sex in 18 months.
No, no, it's not been that long, don't be ridiculous! It's not been that long.
Come on, Max, we've been married for 12 years.
I want to try new things, like military position.
- Is that a thing? - Well, no, I just want to get things going again.
You know, I'd be very happy to go to a sex therapist.
I'm not going to therapy, Neil, I already know everything about myself, thank you very much.
Come on, I'm frustrated.
All right, Neil, there's no need to beg.
I know, as your wife, I am contractually obliged, whether I like it or not.
I don't want to do it if it's an obligation.
All right, fine, have it your way.
No, but .
.
I do want to do it.
Jesus Christ! Can you make a decision for once in your fucking life, Neil? Do you want to mount this or not? Sorry, sorry, sorry Sorry, let me just check this.
Oh, I can actually be quite funny sometimes! Oh, I forgot to say, I phoned Mel today.
She's a complete wreck now.
- Just give me a minute.
- Yep.
Mel had a very odd scent about her as well, it was quite sharp, like a sort of vinaigrette.
Are you all right there? Yeah.
- I've got a surprise for you.
- What? No, no, what the hell is going on down there? Get off! Oh, my God.
Is that a vibrator? Neil, this isn't a fucking porno! No, that's it.
No, you've ruined the moment, I'm not in the mood now.
- Horrible! - I thought it'd be nice.
- For who? - You.
You're obsessed, Neil.
Given it all away We could have been something You took away my heart, I was so full of pain Given it all away I'll be OK some day The world has a way of tu-urning my way-ay Don't run away It's your only life It's not too late You might have one more try Sitting on the sand sipping sangria all night long