We Are Lady Parts (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
And I love you so ♪
When one experiences
a mildly-traumatic event
I think it pertinent
to bury oneself in one's work.
Here we have
Bacillus anthracis.
Very much like
Bordetella pertussis,
it forms
a calmodulin-dependent
adenylate cyclase toxin
known as─
A presence
was making itself felt.
A djinn?
A ghoul?
Hmm, an undergrad?
Knock, knock.
How did you─
Listen, I told you.
I'm not gonna play
in your group.
We're not in a group.
Fucking hell, we're in a band.
Think The Clash
meets Dickless,
with a lashing of dead Barbie.
- But a bit shit.
- Yet totally unique.
We cordially invite you
to be in our band.
Why?
You saw what happened.
Puke aside,
we think you're good
Ish.
Plus, bodily fluids
are less frowned upon in punk.
Punk?
No, sorry, I can't.
- We know what you want.
- What?
"Microbiology PhD student
looking for male,
"medium to devout Muslim,
enjoys mini golf
and stimulating conversation."
- Oh, you're reaching.
- Reaching for the "D."
No, no, I'm looking
for a husband to settle
To settle on to some "D."
- Juvenile.
- Yup.
Listen, audition with us
for Sound Smash,
and Ayesha will set you up
with her brother.
- You know Ahsan?
- Sound─what?
Wait, Ahsan is─
is your brother?
I'm aware of him, yes.
What do you say?
We struck a deal.
The die was cast.
The terms, simple.
I would audition
with Lady Parts
for this
Sound Smash competition,
some battle of the bands
type thing,
in exchange
for a meeting with Ahsan.
Simple as pie.
Hey, it's Ahsan,
Ayesha's bro.
I was wondering
if you wanted to go for dinner
on Wednesday night, maybe?
Yeah, cool.
Bye.
Nice one.
Well played.
It's warm
with a hint of pathetic.
Winning strategy.
I don't understand
why I have to do this.
You wrecked her vehicle,
you owe her.
It was barely even a scratch.
She ain't gonna shut up
until you've done it,
so for both of our sakes,
dine this loser.
She seems interesting.
Not my usual type.
Oh, sorry,
we're fresh out
of manipulative narcissists.
You'll like Amina.
She'scool.
And I love you so ♪
The people ask me how ♪
How I used to live ♪
I tell them I don't know ♪
And yes, I know ♪
Great, okay.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you just play along
with one of our songs?
Lyrics and chords all there.
Let's do "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf."
Oh, uh, sorry.
Sorry.
Did you say "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf?"
Yeah, you got a problem
with my lyrics?
Your lyrics?
No.
No, not at all.
Uh, I get it.
It's─it's just, um, I'm not
sure people will get it.
- Hmm?
- What do you mean?
I don't know, uh, some people
might find it offensive.
Well, fuck people
in their eye sockets.
We all contribute
to songwriting,
so why don't you give us
an idea of lyrics
that work for you?
Yeah, okay.
Sure, um, okay.
So, uh, maybe instead of
"Voldemort under my headscarf,"
you could do
"I love to wear my headscarf,"
you know, less
moreyay!
I don't know.
Yeah, maybe?
So like, maybe
I love to wear my headscarf ♪
The lyrics!
The lyrics!
- Calm down!
- She's dead!
Are you mad?
Despite my rocky start
to band practice,
I was feeling fine,
'cause I had a date
with Ahsan.
- Oh, wow.
- I know.
And he messaged you
on the app?
Yes.
Yep, on the app.
I couldn't tell Nora
about Lady Parts.
She already thought
me teaching guitar
wasn't entirely appropriate.
Wow.
I mean,
it's only a first date.
Uh, first meeting.
Sorry. Yes,
first meeting.
What does he study again?
He's doing a masters
in anthropology.
Ooh, and he's a black belt
in jiujitsu.
Although from his voice note
he sounds like a pacifist,
like he would only fight
in self-defence,
besieged on all sides,
or to protect my honour.
You should wear pastel,
a light blue or green hijab,
elegant and fun,
but not too fun.
You should totally pair it
with that nude lip I got you.
Um, I was thinking of wearing
the red hijab
and pairing it
with the pink lip.
The red is my lucky hijab,
so I─
I'm telling you,
do not wear the red.
Brings out your shame.
Oh.
I don't know she's, like,
pure potential,
you know what I mean?
She's just, like, mad skilful,
but doesn't really know it,
a total freak,
but in a really normal
person way, you know?
Yeah, yeah, totally.
She's like really deep,
but in a shallow way.
And she's got lots of width
and breadth going on,
like angles, angles, angles.
- It's all about the angles.
- Fuck you.
I'm sorry.
It's just
I'm jealous of this
Amina person, man.
She's clearly got you
all hot and bothered.
Oh, no.
You're the only person
who could do that.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, but Amina, Amina,
I love you─
- Oh, shut up!
- Saira was convinced
that I was the missing link,
but the others, not so much.
Salaams, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
Okay.
Meeting is now in session.
- What's going on?
- Why you being all secretive?
We need to talk
band strategy.
Saira is our great leader
and front-woman,
so we've got to entertain
her fanciful ideas,
but we all know this
Amina thing isn't gonna fly
if we wanna get into
Sound Smash.
And what were you thinking?
Lady Parts online presence.
Have you asked Saira
about this?
No, not yet.
But anyway, I'm the band
manager, not Saira.
It's up to me to get us some
profile and get us some gigs.
So yeah, we're
we're going online.
Auntie Saira is going
to be angry.
There is more to life
than husbands, you know?
Ma, please,
I'm not in the mood.
You know, I mean,
you go chasing
all these serious brothers,
but do you ever think
for a second,
will they care for your needs?
- What?
- You know, in the bedroom,
your feminine requirements,
wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Okay, this is inappropriate,
grossly inappropriate.
It is my parental duty
to talk openly
- about the bees and the trees.
- Mm, no.
No, it's not, Ma,
no one's parents do that.
Well, I won't be blamed
then if you run off to Syria
to marry a jihadi because
we didn't have "the talk."
If I ever run off to Syria
to marry a jihadi,
it'll be because I ran away
from you.
No.
Who's marrying a jihadi?
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, that's really nice.
Thank you.
No worries.
So have you come from far?
No, just, you know,
White Chapel Way.
He was even more ravishing
in the flesh.
I think I saw you
at the fundraiser.
We don't have
to talk about that.
Sure.
So, uh, where are you from?
Where am I from?
That's a big question,
you know?
Where am I from, from?
Where am I from, from?
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to─
I know that's really annoying.
- I-I'm just messing.
- Right.
Funny.
- Uh, originally from Iraq.
- Oh.
A descendant
of Babylonian kings, no less.
But I grew up
in Shepherd's Bush.
- Huh.
- I'm a West London boy.
Who knew three simple words
could cause
such netherward stirring?
West London boy.
- You go to Queen Mary's too.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't think
I've seen you around.
Mmm, no.
Um, I haven't really
clocked you either, ever.
Ayesha mentioned you're doing
a PhD in microbiology.
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
It sounds really dry,
doesn't it?
I think it's cool.
What's your area?
Pathogen activity.
I think humanity has
greatly underestimated
the clout of the microbe.
"The Clout of the Microbe,"
what a great film.
What?
It was a bad joke.
Humour.
It's─
So, uh, how's the, um,
anthropology going?
Uh, good. Thanks.
I'm currently looking at
tribalism
and pack mentality
in the modern man.
- This sounds fascinating.
- I think it is.
Marry me.
- Should we order?
- I do.
I mean, we should, yeah.
He's just so beautiful.
How is it possible?
I don't understand.
Okay.
Keep it together, soldier.
- Pretty isn't everything.
- Mm-hmm.
Pretty doesn't pay the bills.
Pretty doesn't feed the kids.
- Yeah.
- Now, listen.
If you wanna close the deal,
you need to show him
you ain't putty in his hands.
You've got criteria.
I do?
- It's really tasty.
- Yeah, super yum.
Uh, so, um, question.
Uh, what sort of thing
are you looking for?
Looking for?
Uh, seeking, apropos of
potential persons of interest.
- You mean romantically?
- Sure.
I don't know.
I guess I'm just looking to
meet like-minded individuals
and see how it goes.
Are you open
to further developments,
vis-à-vis meeting
like-minded individuals?
- I don't understand.
- Marriage.
Are you─are you fond
of the concept?
Obvs, I'm not just saying
that we, you know
General thoughts welcome.
I mean
I have not hitherto sought
any nuptial arrangements
given my current
academic engagements.
Oh, sure.
But I don't find
the institution
morally objectionable
or anything.
You?
Me, marriage?
Yeah, big fan.
Obvs, not like an intense
Kind of way─like, in a
yeah, one day, soon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
More chicken?
So how do you think
that date's going?
Fuck knows.
She might have proposed
to him by now.
She's going in for a husband.
It's kind of intense.
I mean, what's wrong with
wanting to get married?
For one, marriage
was invented by men
as a way of making alliances
with other men.
"Here, marry my daughter
and I'll give you
a couple of camels
and this cheese bread."
Cheese bread?
It's a tool
of the patriarchy.
That's just my opinion.
People should do
what they like.
What do you think about us?
Us?
Yeah, it's been
six months of this,
and I'd like us to be official.
Official, huh?
Official how?
Dating.
I mean,
official capacity dating.
Okay.
Then what?
What then post-official
capacity dating?
It's impossible to have
a conversation with you.
You gotta be
fucking kidding.
Um, I had fun.
My bus stop is just
over yonder.
Yonder, that's funny.
- I bid you adieu.
- Oh!
I wasn't sure physical contact
was entirely appropriate,
but brazenly, I went for it.
- Oh, okay.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Bye!
The evening's events
played in my mind,
repetitious
in nightmarish Technicolor.
Every little stupid thing
I said and did
ripping into my retina
with violent glee until
Oh, shit.
How'd it go?
What happened?
Spill your guts.
He was really nice and kind.
He thinks I'm cool.
He hoped I got home okay.
And he wants to hang out again!
This all felt really,
really good.
Sad and lonely spinster
no more.
Desirable male hoped
I got home okay.
You should totally invite
Ahsan to my engagement party.
Really?
It's still pretty early.
Babe, it's fine, you met him
on the marriage app.
He knows the deal.
I'll speak to Imran,
but I'm sure
he'll be cool with it.
Okay!
How'd it go?
Can I get
some privacy please?
- No.
- How'd it go?
- She's nice.
- So do you fancy her?
She's not really my type.
She's intense.
You friend-zoned her, yeah?
She's inviting me
to an engagement party.
- Guess not, then.
- You've gotta go.
He can't go.
That'd be leading her on.
You just don't want her
in the band.
No, I just think
it's fucking wrong
to deceive her like that.
Even massive dweebs
have rights, man.
Maybe lead her
on just a little,
until we audition
for Sound Smash.
Hold on, no.
That's cold.
Saira, no wonder Abdullah's
on the verge
of a mental breakdown.
You're fucking heartless.
Friend-zone her.
I'm not heartless, am I?
Guys, do you mind?
- Ow.
- There.
We're official.
I've just officiated us
intoofficialdom.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna fuck off now.
Bye, girlfriend.
Love you!
What's going on?
We don't start
for another hour.
We just wanted to have
a little parlay.
Why don't you sit down?
Go on then, parlay.
Lady Parts
is officially online.
I've put band profiles up
on Facebook, Twitter─
- You did what?
- This is not a dictatorship.
Come on, what's the harm
in trying social media?
We tried your Amina thing.
How many times do we have
to go through this?
The Internet is where
creativity and truth go to die.
Ugh.
If you put our music online,
it'll be ripped off
by "insert corporation here"
to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads,
to fentanyl-sniffing infants
with the sole purpose
of lining the pockets
of Silicon Valley technocrats.
- Fuck that!
- Yeah, fuck that!
- Bro, seriously.
- No, I'm sorry.
Listen, we'll audition.
We'll get in.
And we'll find our audience
by playing.
We'll take our music
to the people the purest way.
Well, you don't get
to the audition
if you can't pull a crowd.
We need a following.
No.
Take us off now.
We've already got
30 followers.
Look at them.
They're us.
Younger us's when
we didn't even know
Peeps suckers even existed.
This is temporary.
As the days went by,
news of my successful match
with the Ahsan spread rapidly.
Every sister and their sheikh
knew about it.
I was no longer
a washed-up loser.
I was a woman in her power.
And a woman in her power walks
with a certain bossy swagger.
Hey, I'm sorry,
should have been clear.
I really like you, but just,
you know, as a friend.
Probably not a great idea
to come
to your friend's
engagement party.
It was great to meet you.
It's Ahsan, by the way.
Yo.
Oh, shit.
- Oof.
- Okay.
Cool.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
"Voldemort Under My Headscarf."
I-I had some ideas.
- Wanna talk about it?
- Nah.
It?
What it?
We're sorry
it didn't work out.
Mmm, it, it, it─
uh, there isn't even an it.
We met once.
I don't know him.
What it, right?
The only it that exists
is the it in my head.
The made-up stupid, fantasy it
that only exists in my silly
little girl head, right?
How does it become
so big so fast?
What kind of nobody
lets that happen?
This girl!
You're looking at her.
- You're not a nobody.
- Oh, come on, you knew, right?
You knew she's a thirsty nobody
that will jump
if you dangle any passable
male in front of her.
You knew that I couldn't resist
Ahsan when you offered him up.
That is my problem.
I-I lose my mind over every
Bashir with a good beard
that smiles at me, you know?
Sorry.
Bashir with a good beard.
- That's brilliant.
- What?
Why won't you love me? ♪
Why won't you text me back? ♪
Leave me on read ♪
Ghost me like I'm dead ♪
Are my clothes too tight? ♪
Do I laugh too much? ♪
You say I'm not polite,
I say fuck you very much ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ♪
You're so pretty ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
You say you think
I'm weird ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
Won't you love me? ♪
Won't you love me?
Won't you love me? ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
You're gonna disappear ♪
We'll have two sons ♪
Bilal and Hala ♪
Nasir and Hussein ♪
We'll watch "Bake Off"
and eat KFC ♪
Halal!
Are my clothes too tight? ♪
Yeah!
Do I laugh too much? ♪
- Yeah!
You say I'm not polite,
I say ♪
Fuck you very much ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ♪
Something momentous
happened that day.
I, with Lady Parts,
had penned a punk anthem
shorn from the fabric
of my life.
I had never written
a song before.
You're gonna disappear ♪
- That was sick.
- That was so sick!
- What did I tell you?
- Oh, my gosh.
- What did I tell you?
- What did she tell you?
Amina, that was sick, man.
It was all right.
Even though I had been
unceremoniously
friend-zoned by Ahsan,
I felt different after playing
with Lady Parts.
Lighter─I don't know, braver.
Okay, so I spoke to Imran,
and he's totally cool with you
bringing Ahsan
to the engagement party.
You are welcome.
Yay.
Yay!
- Yay!
- That is so great.
Okay, so, um, bravery
wasn't quite there,
but come on, what can I say?
Crusty spinster
back in business,
massive loser
back on the shelf.
You and Ahsan are gonna have
the cutest babies.
We literally cannot wait
to meet him.
Literally gagging
to meet him.
I wish I could
tell them the truth.
Yeah, I'm literally gagging
for you to meet him too.
But I couldn't.
Okay, so Saturday,
you'll both be there?
Deffo, both of us.
Me and him.
Me and my man.
Mm?
I mean,
potential future spouse.
Inshallah.
So what's the colour palette
for the wedding?
What is his style?
His eye colour,
brown or green?
And how tall is he?
Is he taller than that?