We Might Regret This (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

Ty, no, no! Oh, my God!
It's the whole 24-hour PA thing.
Carer? Er, yes.
You don't do a single thing for her?
You la-a-azy fuck!
Abe! Hey, surprise. How long
are you sticking round for?
Ah, dude,
I am literally homeless right now,
I had to get the fuck out of Lille.
Well, we'd love to have you stay.
Right?
I don't really know
if I'm a model.
OK, can I just stop you there?
You're the most fucking stunning
woman I've ever seen in my life.
I think that Abe is going
to propose.
SHE CHUCKLES
What?
Levi, Jo. Jo, Levi.
Levi is Abe's son.
Hi. Hello.
I wondered whether these might look
better on someone standing.
Ty, you're fired.
How long before we can get
a replacement, do you think?
I need you.
Fine, I'll do it.
I guess we have someone.
No! It's just the, er
it's the eyes.
PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY
It's the shell, it's the
Why does anything under
the sea have whiskers?
It's wrong.
It's called ostraconophobia.
Ostraconophobia.
Say it again.
Ostraconophobia.
You know, why, when YOU say it,
does it sound fucking hot?
Now I WANT to have it. Ah.
SHE GIGGLES
Sorry. I'm not here.
I just can't do aioli.
Oh, wait. Can you deshell one
of these bad boys for Freya?
Can you do this?
Thanks, babe.
Teeing up for another vanilla
proposal?
Freya! Freya, Freya, Freya, Freya!
Hmm?
These freaks have tiramisu
AND fondant!
Oi! I'm going to get one of each.
Just put it on that guy's tab.
Cheers, bro.
You said there was somewhere
we could send her, for training?
I'll do some research.
Mmm.
Mmm. Hmm.
Now, for legal reasons, and I do
have to disclose this up top,
I am ex-military.
OK?
And don't ask me for dates.
Don't ask me what I did.
Because whether you're out there
on the field
or you're back here entering data,
it's all military.
OK? And as such,
I have high standards.
Aha! Latecomer! Good thing
we haven't covered punctuality yet.
Er.
Yeah
Er, sorry, er, traffic was
Perfectly flowing.
I check a five-mile radius
before every class.
But thank you for volunteering!
We're on PA liability.
Up you step.
Poppy here is your employer.
Normal day.
Just react accordingly.
Thanks again for a great day
of being my PA.
Oh, no!
I feel dizzy. Wait
Oh WHoa!
IMITATES WRONG-ANSWER KLAXON
You messed up.
Step away, step away, step away.
If you can't protect yourselves,
you can't protect them.
So I'm just supposed to let them
eat it?
Not your problem.
Now you've got a slipped disc.
Out of work. Lengthy legal battle.
They said, you said.
That's your problem.
People,
I cannot stress this enough -
do not be a hero.
Until 999 arrives,
leave them on the floor.
All right? Yeah. Sorry.
TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES
SHE SPITS
How's it going?
How's it going?
Listen, Ty, I know
we left on a bit of a tense moment.
TY SIGHS
I
Look, we can drop the act, Freya.
We both know why you called me here.
Erm so you can work
your two weeks' notice?
Sure. Sure, sure.
You're lonely.
You're unsatisfied.
You're shacked up with someone new
and it's different.
It's unfamiliar.
You thought you wanted Jo,
but I'm all you can think about.
Well,
I appreciate you being here, Ty.
It's OK.
We can get past this.
It's just
..it's going to take some time.
As much time as I need.
Good morning, Ty.
Nice to see you again.
You heading to the office?
I'm off to Sydenham.
Bronco Brian's Diner.
Oh, my God, I LOVE Bronco Brian's!
Loved.
It's going under, unfortunately.
What?! No! I love Bronco's!
That's where I popped my cherry.
Yeah, it is sad.
Family-run business.
Been there over 50 years.
Yeah, I wanted to take this
case myself
and, er, go down there
for old times' sake, you know?
You heading out soon?
Yeah, going to the gym.
Really?
Do you think it will help?
This doesn't need any help, Ty.
No, it's a modelling shoot.
Oh, I think you're being
a bit modest.
She's been hand-selected
for a nationwide campaign.
OK!
Well, I think it's very cool that
I'm now officially dating a model.
Plus, you know, these days,
you really don't have to be
that good-looking to be a model.
Look alive! Argh!
Keep your eyes on the road.
Jesus Christ Attention!
Watch out, watch out!
Is she OK? This side!
Like, we're Reverse! Reverse!
I'm doing it, I'm doing it! God!
Right, where do we live,
Dystopian Mario World?
London.
And who decides
if you pass or fail today?
Hmm? Who decides if you walk away
with a laminated certificate?
Oh, laminated?
Well, that changes everything.
Do you, er, pre-laminate
or do you laminate here?
If you don't start showing
the process some respect,
I'm not afraid
to let you go empty-handed.
Ooh, fiery.
I've got my eye on you, Private.
Now, see? There's no system, Jane.
You've got the boys' school play
here next to your mum's
..what is that - third wedding?
No, time isn't linear, Abe.
That's an illusion.
It's more of a tangle.
All right, all right.
Close the portal. Funnily enough,
I do not spend my every evening
going through those.
I don't know why you need
a photo anyway.
They'll probably remember
the guy who cried
the first time he tried
a triple cheeseburger.
Oh, forgive me for being nostalgic,
Jane.
Shan't. Hey, Mum, try this.
Oh, my God,
that's absolutely amazing.
Mmm. Huh?
No.
CLATTER
Ooh! For God's sake, remove
It's all right How's not being
engaged, Dad? It looks super-chill.
Oh I'm always chill, Levi,
you know me.
Yeah, this is what a chill man
looks like, bug.
Rifling through his ex-wife's stuff.
I meant to say, um,
how's it going with, er?
Freya.
No, not Freya, thethe other one.
Jo. Jo, yeah, that's her name.
Oh, yeah, she's still around.
Definitely has a left-field approach
to the whole PA thing,
I'll say that.
I'm so proud of your dad.
You know, he turns 50
and sets up a harem.
SINGS ANGELICALLY
I don't want to
I don't want to look at it.
Don't make me.
That's called diligent seeking.
Yeah. Always pays off.
Well done.
Let nobody ever say
you don't always try far too hard.
I didn't really need training.
I'm not saying I'm more innately
talented than Jo, but
Three, two, one. Oh, lovely.
OK, arm up.
Swing that leg forward
Yeah, Ty, let's go.
Like
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
Let's turn round.
Freya Anan? You're late.
Follow me. Right,
so, as you know, Gym Asylum's summer
campaign #EveryBodyFreakOut
showcases the new Gym Asylum sports
range on a variety of diverse,
beautiful bodies.
And you aregolf.
Golf? Yeah, golf.
Who's this? Er, she's my
Second half. Better half.
The old ball and chain.
OK.
That's, er
I'm not going to engage with that.
Hair and make-up,
ten minutes, calling for golf.
OK, Tiger Woods!
You ready for your first big job?!
Born ready!
Yeah, Ty, can you just grab me
a snack or something?
I One day on set
and she's already a queen!
Look, my pleasure be.
Sorry, can we just talk about golf?
Oh, I know, I know.
We worked bloody hard for that.
They offered us squash at first,
but we were relentless!
Wardrobe, come in for golf.
It's just like I don't know
if I can play golf.
Like, with my hands.
I can't grip so
No, anyanyone can play golf
in these clothes,
that's, that's the whole point.
Er, you know, we
..we want to empower every woman,
in every body,
to want to play golf.
Don't
She's just spitballing, you know?
Like a creative AND a model! Yeah.
Golf hasn't shaved her legs.
I repeat,
golf hasn't shaved her legs.
Jesus. OK. No-one panic.
No-one panic, it's OK.
I mean, aren't we over body hair?
I mean, #EveryBODYhashair so
Except for people with alopecia.
Huge demand for them
at the moment, actually.
Yeah. Don't worry.
I will source us a razor. Yeah.
Can someone source us a razor?!
Did I need to shave anything else?
Well, what else is hairy?
Generous amount of lube.
TUBE SQUIRTS
VIBRATING
All down there.
Then small circles
to relax the sphincter.
Manual stimulation.
OK? We're not digging for gold.
And if you play your cards right,
you end up with one of these.
Would you rather your finger be
permanently fused to an asshole
or your asshole have a finger
permanently fused inside?
Right. Are we evacuating stools?
Or distracting committed stimmers?
Er, I'm just making contacts
in the industry.
It's good to network.
Insubordinates don't make good PAs.
I'm sorry, I'm just not, you know,
learning anything new.
Well, being a PA's
all about expecting the unexpected.
Oh, but I've expected all of this!
People need to shit,
they need to eat, they need to wash,
they need to go places Do you
know what you should be teaching us?
Do you know what IS unexpected?
Well, if it's unexpected
When does a PA know
when they should or shouldn't help?
Like where's the line between PA
and friend, hmm?
What are the boundaries, Susan,
and what happens
when someone you love starts paying
you to stick around?
Constipation!
It happens, people.
DOOR SQUEAKS
Take a seat, pal.
Ferg? I can see you scooping out
the foam with your hand.
18 months, you can't pour a pint.
Hey, it's Brian.
Pleasure. Is it?
HE GROANS
Two beers, Ferg.
Assuming you don't usually fuck
people without a beer.
That is why you're here, isn't it?
Um
Well, this is actually quite a
..quite an emotional site visit
for me. Is it?
Mmm. Well,
we've been coming here since
Yeah?! Yeah.
You used to eat a cheeseburger
with a knife and fork
before you walked through that door.
I remember. I did!
HE CHUCKLES
I remember.
Wow, well, um, do you remember
..do you remember this?
Proudest day of my life. Hmm.
How about that? How about it?
Yeah. Still come.
We still come every year.
I bring my boy.
November the 12th.
Yes! Yes. How do you?
Yeah, wow.
I remember all my regulars,
before they fucked off home to eat
Deliveroo and watch The Crown.
Fucking Netflix.
Killing me, absolutely killing me.
Once a year doesn't cut it.
Once a year doesn't save me
from the man.
Do you want me to do your forearms?
No.
You're golf, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, you looked incredible there.
I mean, who'd you fuck to get
swimming?!
SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Um, yeah.
Liv told me it was your first time.
I just came by to say hi.
Hi back.
You too. Sorry.
Oh, my God, why am I like this!
Am I a cunt?
You always act weird around other
disabled people.
I just want them to like me.
And THAT is discrimination.
Er
Thanks, Ty, I'll take it from here.
Thanks, Ty. I really appreciate you.
Yeah.
Thanks, Ty.
You just know some people
still drink milk.
What's the stage of feminism
where everyone's like lost
their fucking mind?
Total equality.
I understand
you filed for bankruptcy
Yeah. ..a couple of weeks ago.
Well, so, from a, um
..from a business perspective, um,
we would basically look
at your current situation, in terms
of, er, you know, loans, creditors.
Existing payment plans.
And then we would look at assets
and, er
..and put the best plan of action
together as you head towards,
you know, dissolving.
You had two boys.
Two little tiddlers.
Yeah. Levi's, er, he's doing great.
He's very much into his food,
maybe, you know, due to this place.
There you go. Oh, lovely, thank you.
OK.
Thank you, Ferg.
Of course,
you know why we're going under.
It's because we're consistent.
But people don't really want
consistency.
No, siree, they want the new stuff.
They want burgers
made out of dandelions
that bleed like meat.
They want kimchi margaritas.
They want drag queens doing
wet T-shirt contests.
You can't do good, honest
American grub any more!
Do you get out there much?
Where, sorry?
America.
The States? Mm-hm.
No.
Don't have a passport.
Hmm.
Hmm. Why do I want a little
leather-bound book
with all of my data in it?
No, thanks.
A little pamphlet of me so the
government can track my every move?
No, no way, Jose.
And don't get me started on how
the local demographic have changed.
OK.
Um
I have something for you.
Hmm?
Aw! My baby girl's all grown up!
I had to wrestle it out of her hand.
I couldn't tell
if she wanted to fuck me or bite me.
Thanks for doing that.
It means a lot to Abe. So
PHONE VIBRATES
Sorry. One sec.
Hey, so what's your handicap? Hey!
Yeah, I don't That is just
That is just not OK.
No, no, I meant
I meant I meant golfing-wise.
You know, when like how
how you calculate your score.
Oh, yeah, I don't play.
So And who's this now?
TOGETHER: This is my husband.
Oh, it's my son.
Why do I bother? Just
just follow me.
Commercials pay better than film.
Commercials pay better than film.
Commercials pay better than film.
All right.
Oh, fuck,
I got shaving cream on my braid.
Then Brexit happened,
which was a God-send for us,
cos we had a Polish pot-wash.
I mean, you know where I'm going
with this.
So, getting back to the fixed assets
that we will have to sell off,
um, we have the building, obviously,
we have a moped that you use for
deliveries and we have a food van.
You're welcome to make an offer
on the food van.
She's a creaky fucker,
but she's a trouper.
Some of my best times
were in that van.
Touring up and down the country,
me and my old man.
And before that,
him with his old man.
Gramps opened this place the same
day they put a man on the moon.
Really? He didn't realise.
He's out the front with his grill,
cooking meat for hours.
And then no-one turns up.
Cos they're at home,
glued to the TV.
Funny how it ends
how it starts, innit?
Not that they did put
a man on the moon, of course.
OK, well,
I think we're all done here.
You're a championmaster
a champ
More golf maybe?
Yes, we're marketing golf.
Golf
Think golf.
Right, rock it, superstar!
Little less fear in the eyes!
Yeah, think, umthink sexy.
Yeah. And golf Hole-in-one!
PHONE VIBRATES
She looks like a hostage.
OK, let's try something different.
Oh, that's not good.
You're a golf maiden in Miami.
Hey, hey! Hey, you got this, OK?
Dude, I fucking hate this.
I'm doing a terrible job.
I'm not meant to be doing this,
I'm supposed to be an artist.
OK. Um, just drown everyone out
and focus on me, OK?
OK?
OK, Freya.
Um, give me, er
"I just killed someone" eyebrows.
Like "I just drank a really
dry cider" cheekbone.
OK, now eye-fuck me.
Yeah, curl your lip
and make a slice of teeth.
Stunning facial agility.
Um, yeah, you just have to speak
her language.
Ah, so
Oh, my God. OK, um
Tea bagging, dead eyes,
Kardashian sisters OD'd.
Love that. Stunning. That feels
Stunning.
DOORBELL
Oh.
We're actually already
very passionate Mormons,
but thank you anyway.
Do you want to see something
exciting?
Define exciting.
Hmm. Hello.
How was Bronco's?
Owner's a bigot.
Do bigots make better burgers?
Discuss.
I mean, that is kind
of anthropologically intriguing.
You know what's intriguing?
It's all yours,
it's parked back at mine.
You got me a car?!
Come on!
You know I can't drive, Dad.
Details! Come on!
Hey?!
I'm just
So, sorry,
cos I'm playing catch-up here, um,
did I ask for a food van?
SHE LAUGHS
This isthis is enterprise.
This is your own business.
This is you doing whatever you want,
you know,
just grabbing the bull by the horns!
Oooh, you're teetering on the edge
of "Live Laugh Love" here, Dad.
Oh, God, I am loving
your alternative approach
to a midlife crisis.
Choosing to ignore that.
This is my investment in Levi.
What, and this is all you were
prepared to put in?
Humble beginnings, boy.
Come on, hey!
IN STRONG NEW YORK ACCENT:
So, what do you say?
Shall we go round the front, have a
couple of cold ones to celebrate?
OK, the accent feels offensive.
Yeah, that's cos it's so good.
You see, it's confusing to you cos
it's so dang good.
Come on, just get out the car.
Come on. Come on.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hey?
Just think,
I got this for next to nothing.
Is it that because it's the home
to real, live vermin?
It's what?
Oh, have you not seen Ratatouille?
Honestly, by the end of it,
you were running that set.
You were like Tyra fucking Banks.
Yeah. Before she got weird.
Before she got weird.
Oh, don't forget, you don't know
anything about the proposal.
Abe made me swear not to tell you.
Yeah, good job on that one.
Is it bad that I'm kind of relieved
that it didn't happen?
Like, I'm not questioning spending
the rest of my life with him.
But, like, I don't know
..marriage seemed a bit archaic,
like
Hello, ladies. Hey, er
LIGHTS CLICK AND BUZZ
Aha! How was the shoot?
Yeah, fine, but, um, hot dogs?!
This is Levi's new venture.
Starting a food van business,
aren't you?
Apparently. Aw, cute!
Silver spoon
in the shape of a truck!
He'll pay me back
as soon as he's on his feet.
I can just give you a fiver
for it now, mate.
You want to have a look around?
Yeah. Looks cool
and also asbestos-y.
Ooh, here comes dashing.
Thanks.
Come see this. Look.
Hey, Jo!
Psst!
What?
Bad signal today?
Well, you didn't pick up.
Oh, Jesus, that was you?
I thought I was being stalked.
Well, you're not NOT being stalked.
How did you get my number?
Saw it in a phone box.
Ha-ha. Lovely flyer, by the way.
If anything, I would say
that you are undercharging.
No, obviously
I took it off Dad's phone.
Why did you call?
Do you not want me to?
I work for your stepmummy.
Hey, that's the name
of my favourite adult movie.
You're disgusting.
Congrats. She's, ersomething.
Are you going to stick around
for some dinner?
Um
Yeah, actually, I would love to.
Do you know what? I'm actually going
to head out and get some food.
I'm kind of wiped.
You can't do that, Jo.
You've got to stay with me.
Yeah, but not like ALL the time.
Yeah, all the time, that's the job.
24/7. Oh, right.
IN STRONG NEW YORK ACCENT: Want me
to rustle us up some Sloppy Joes?
Dad, it's got to stop.
I LOVE it when you do that.
Well, thank you!
Try telling that to my son,
he doesn't appreciate my talent.
So is this like our first date?
Er, that depends.
Do you always take your daddy
on your first dates?
Yes, cos he makes me feel safe.
This is a bad idea.
Right. We'll agree to disagree.
Come on!
Yeah! Yes!
SHE SQUEALS
Yes! Amazing! Amazing!
Stunning.
Honestly, Gym Asylum couldn't be
happier.
Mmm. And that was a big one to throw
you in with, babe.
Oh, yeah. We've had models on our
books for years who've never booked
something that big before.
No. Oh, it's mega. It's huge.
It's huge. Huge, huge.
Huge. Your look? Everything.
It's everything.
They've already talked about getting
you in again for socials.
For socials, already.
My God.
We always like to get our clients
in to see their first proofs.
And these came in this morning.
Have a little look-see at that.
Oh, wow. Face of the campaign, babe!
Face of the campaign. The face.
OK, even I didn't know
you could look THAT good.
Did they, er, Photoshop my hands?
Er, my arms can't do that.
Legally they are entitled to do
subtle little touch-ups like that.
Mm. Wait, is that Ty?!
Fuck. Oh, my God, you know her.
She apparently happened to be
on set.
We've been trying to get her paid.
But! More to the point, babe,
you did it!
OK? You nailed your first job!
Yeah! Yes.
And there is only more where
that's coming from. Yeah. Yeah.
Because if there's one thing
that people love right now,
it's this. Yeah? It's all of this.
Mmm. It's this.
Is someone ready to take over
the world?!
Whaddya reckon?
You good to take over the world?!
Sure.
I might need to pee first.