Welcome to Sweden (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Man: My name is Zeynel.
I'm from Turkey.
I been here three month.
I study at the university.
I move here because I have Swedish wife and also small baby.
Hej, my name is Hassan.
I am from Iraq.
I was a civil engineer.
Uh good job, big house, nice family.
But the American come.
(Speaking Arabic) They destroy everything.
Everything is gone.
More American bombs come to us.
Kill, dead, everyone in the village.
All of the American, they ruined everything for me.
Hi uh, hej.
My name is Bruce.
Hello.
And, uh I am from Canada? We're not living in America But we're not sorry I knew there was something That we never had We don't worry No, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no We don't care about the world today We're not sorry For ahh Bruce: Idag ar jag shitskriven.
Imorgon ska jag (Frustrated sigh) - Hey babe.
- Hey.
What's up? It's just, trying to learn your language, man One thing I thought I knew was the alphabet, you know? You guys, you have all these extra letters with dots over them, what is this? Latta, Lotta how do you Lotta is a woman's name, that's pronounced Latta.
Hey babe, don't be too hard on yourself.
You just started.
You will learn the language, eventually.
Yeah, if the long bus ride to the school doesn't kill me first.
Actually, you know what, it's kind of good to get away from your parents for a little bit.
- Yeah, you think? - Yeah.
It's just one more week.
Okay? Then we're going to move back to my apar our apartment.
Oh, yes.
Ours.
It's going to be nice, huh? - - (Camera shutter click) So, we have to stay here for a month.
We have an apartment in the city but it has, um stambyte.
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm trying but I literally have no idea what you're saying right now.
They're changing the pipes in the building.
Okay.
Have a cinnamon bun.
No, thanks, I hate cinnamon, so Jassa.
Are we talking about Hitler right now? Nope, still cinnamon.
(In Jamaican accent) Cinnamon.
Gustaf ska oppna en Gustaf is opening up a reggae club.
Isn't that great? A reggae club? Where? (In bad Jamaican accent) Me not sure yet, white gal.
Do you have the money for that? Not yet, I I just came up with the idea yesterday.
Isn't it a wonderful idea? It is an idea.
Bruce, you should talk to your celebrity friends and let them invest a couple of million dollars in the reggae club.
(In Jamaican accent) You feeling me, chap? (Reggae ) Morakniv.
Hey! Hey Bruce, right? Yeah.
So, what part of of Canada you are from? Do you know Canada or ? Oh yes, very well.
Very very very well.
What are the odds? Um I am from like, right on the border the American, Canada border.
Oof, it's it's it is tough with those neighbours, bastards, Americans? No, it's not so tough.
But you hate the American.
All the Canadian hates the American.
You hate them.
(Text message chime) Oh, man.
What is it? It's Will Ferrell.
He's in Sweden, he wants us to have coffee tomorrow.
It's like the worst text ever.
Why is that the worst text ever? Because he's an old client of mine.
He obviously wants something more.
Yeah, he wants to have a coffee.
No.
No one ever just wants to have coffee or hang out.
They always want something else.
I think we should go.
Why? I want to leave this house.
We can go, but I'm telling you: he's gonna want something from me.
I guarantee it.
They always want something from me.
Yes I want something from you.
Mm-hm.
- I don't think it's a - What's the matter? Your parents are right in the other room.
We'll be super quiet, okay? Okay.
Please Ah! What happened? (Laughing) (Laughing) (Moaning) (Moaning) Mm, cinnamon buns! They are delicious.
No, I don't like Okay.
There you go.
Ah! Ja! Wow, your Swedish is impressive.
Thank you.
Um you know, I just I think when you when you love someone and they're the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think about when you go to bed at night, it's the very least you can do is to learn their language.
Will: (Chuckling) - - Emma: Ja.
I love you, very much.
I don't know what that means.
She's great, isn't she? Okay, you can quit your act now.
- What act? - This I-love-Sweden-act.
You almost had me fooled for a second.
It's not an act.
I really love it here.
- You do? - Yeah! What is there not to love? Picking blueberries, outhouses a year off if you have a baby.
Even if you don't have a baby.
Hm? Just a year off! Your family around constantly.
I guess Lagom: not too much, not too little.
I mean, they're doing it right over here.
I mean, how did your Swedish get so good? It's easy.
Latt som en platt! I don't know what that means, is it It's easy as a small pancake? Geez, really? (Sigh) Bruce, come on, I didn't realize it was that bad.
Here.
(Exhaling) Oh my God It's the sexiest voice I've ever heard.
Right? It's like an eargasm.
Yeah.
What is this? Swedish for beginners, volume 4.
I listen to it every day.
That's how I got so good, I mean, that's how I learned Kalle Anka.
Don't know.
- Donald Duck.
- Okay.
Musse Pigg.
Mickey Mouse.
Lang Ben.
Long Ben? Goofy.
Long legs.
- Abba.
- Abba.
All from the tape.
Take it with you.
No, no, no, I couldn't.
No, you're my bro.
Really? Du ar min bastis kompis.
I don't know what that means, is that ? You're my best friend.
My best bro.
Really? Since when? Since the day I met you.
It's really good to hear.
I thought we had a totally different relationship.
We're bros.
You know, Emma and I were talking and I was thinking, like, you just invited me over here just to give me some kind of like Since we're best bros I need you to take a look at this.
My tax stuff.
(Exhaling) Come I quit.
I told you that, it's I'd hate to have to take that tape away.
(Sigh) Okay, I'll look at it.
And this is also corresponding with that.
(Sigh) And I need it done by tomorrow night.
Okay.
It's just I still can't believe the sound of this.
Yeah, I know.
This tape is amazing.
I want to listen to it too.
I haven't heard any today.
Oh, yes, it's really good.
Right? What? What? I'm sorry, babe.
- (Sigh) - Forget it.
Where are you going? We're gonna go and get some reggae stuff for Gustaf's club.
Reggae stuff? (Reggae ) This is his dumbest idea ever.
You know, and that's saying something he's had some really dumb ones.
(Sigh) You think she ever supported me like that? Well, you don't need support, honey.
You have a great job, and you're smart, and you're funny, you're beautiful, you're amazing - Please continue.
- Okay, you have, uh the best American boyfriend ever, I think.
I do.
And you know what? We're finally alone.
Yes.
Oh, you know what, I can't, I got to go to the bathroom - Okay, mm-hm.
- The outhouse.
Hold that thought, and the bike.
- Yeah, but hurry up! - Yeah.
(Sigh) (Sigh) (Grunt) What's going on? I told you, I can't eat cinnamon, it's - Hurry up.
- I'm trying.
Okay.
Hej.
Hej.
Hey, is that your father out in the yard? I thought we were alone.
We are alone.
You know what, I can't sorry, I can't.
Are you serious now? Yes, he's right out in the yard.
He's not right out there.
He's like way back there Ah! Oh! Bruce, can you help me with a thing out here? Okay.
I told you.
It's your family.
I'll be back in.
As soon as I can.
Yeah, hurry up.
Yes, in 2011 we built that little tool house there.
Okay.
And last year we built that little house to smoke fish in.
We don't use that, but - It's very impressive.
- Ja.
When do you guys actually relax? That's not what a summer house is for, really, it's Okay.
Can you pass me the bagsag dar, please? No, no, no, no (Exaggerated American pronunciation) Boagsoag.
That's a cow foot.
This? Now No, no.
That's a a hammarey.
Hammarey? - Hammarey.
- Okay, I get that.
That's a dala horse.
It makes me happy when I'm sad.
(Boy and woman speaking Swedish on tape) Ah! Don't you knock? What are you listening to? I'm listening to my Swedish tapes.
- Oh, you are? - Yeah.
I'll listen.
(Woman speaking Swedish) Oh my God.
I know, right.
It sounds like a porno.
I know.
Will gave it to me.
Wow Is my voice this sexy? - No.
- No? No, I mean, uh not objectively sexy, but sexy to me.
Honey, it's not your fault, you have, like, a high-pitched voice, right? No, hear me out.
And like all of the, like, sexy voice women have low-pitched voices.
Mm-hm.
You have Demi Moore, you have Scarlett Johansson and, uh I mean, you have actually as sexy a voice as a high-pitched person can have.
So that's something - Thank you.
- To be proud of.
That makes me feel so much better.
Babe, it doesn't matter.
The rest of you is irresistible.
Aww Hey, hey.
Hey.
No kissing in my room.
What's wrong, Bruce? You seem upset.
Ah, Hassan, it's just my wife's family is driving me crazy.
You know, I just can't wait to get out of there.
I know what you mean.
We have to live in a refugee camp, you know? 32 person in a small tent And there is no roof.
No roof on the tent? No roof.
Geez, your situation is so much worse than mine.
You must think I'm an idiot for complaining so much.
Salaam alaikum.
This is my friend, my good friend, Bruce.
American? Na, he's a Canadian.
He hate the American maybe more than we do.
I don't think I'd say more than you guys do, but Hassan: Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
So what do you think? Yeah, it beats having Gustaf's ass three feet above my head.
(Laughing) Just five more days, honey.
- Yeah.
- Five more days.
I don't think I can wait that long.
Ooh! What, are your parents still up? I think I hear them talking.
You're the one talking all the time, okay? Shut up.
Can you just check to see if they're in bed at least? Yes, I can do that.
(Viveka laughs) We're leaving.
Pack your bags, now.
What? Here's to us.
To us.
(In low voice) Finally we're alone.
(Giggling) What was - What was that? - Why are you laughing? - Was that your sexy voice? - Yes.
- 'Cause that was terrible.
- Okay, thank you.
- No.
Honey, I'm joking.
- Mm-hm.
You know everything about you is sexy to me, right? - Yeah.
- You don't need to change anything.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
And What was that? (Laughing) I was practicing my Swedish dirty talk.
- Did I say it right, or ? - No, not at all.
Just don't ever say that again.
That was so gross.
Okay, I promise you to not use my sexy voice, but then you have to promise me to never, ever - Okay, deal! - Okay! - Wait, what was that? - Ah - What was that? - I don't care! No, I'm serious.
That sounds (Chuckling) (Muffled moans and groans) (Sigh) Listen.
(Grunting, moaning continues) It's like he's he's like an animal.
Mm-hm.