Wellmania (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
["Put The Work In"
by LG (Team Genius) playing]
Put the work in ♪
Told the baby girl
She gotta do it with a purpose ♪
Madonna by the mirror
Man, I heard that she a virgin, sheesh ♪
And I been in the gym all week ♪
Heavy bars
That's how I drop the gems y'all need ♪
I been workin'
On this body for beach all winter ♪
Yoga and Pilates
Watch me keep my figure ♪
Snapback like Beyoncé
Kill the beats like jigga ♪
Share the vision
But not everybody see my picture ♪
- Morning, friend!
- Jesus, Liv, fuck!
What are you doing here?
What? I have to get fit
to get my green card back.
Most people
wait a few days after a hospital visit.
- I said we'd hang out later.
- Yeah, I know, but your whole vibe's very
So you're stalking me on my run?
- No. I just wanna check that we're cool.
- No.
[Liv] Wait. I get it, you're pissed.
- God.
- Just tell me what to do.
You can start by apologizing to my boss.
Done.
Oh, God. Can we please stop?
- This is horrible.
- No.
Oh, God.
Ow.
Motherfucker.
[groans] Oh! Shit.
[grunting]
You can call me the good-time girl ♪
[Liv] Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow!
You need a fitness professional.
If you'd asked your brother
Well, I text him several times,
and all I get back are angry face emojis.
- Can you blame him?
- Oh, we get it, Mum, he's your favorite.
Straighten your arm.
This is very dense.
Yes. Well, you need something
to open your bowels.
What is it today?
- Exactly the same.
- Oh, my God, how long is this gonna take?
You've only been cleaning up your act
for three days!
Imagine how much junk
you've accumulated over a lifetime.
What, I'm just supposed to eat this
and exercise for the rest of my life?
I'm a food critic. How's that possible?
I eat Bircher
and walk 5Ks every single morning.
Well, not all heroes wear capes, Lorraine.
Oh, for God's sake, Olivia.
You have got to take
your health seriously.
I'm eating this, aren't I?
Yes, that's so you can get back
to New York and a job and
And abuse your body further.
Reality check, you're no longer 20.
There are no shortcuts in life.
According to you.
- [soothing music playing on phone]
- Oh.
"Bondi Cleanse"?
- Really?
- Yes, really.
Miranda Kerr raved about it
last time I interviewed her.
Dr. Price says those detoxes
cost an arm, promise you the world,
then kill you.
Dr. Price will kill someone.
You know, he completely forgot
Dad was dead the other day?
Yeah. He'll prescribe
snail semen for warts next.
- [chuckles] Olivia.
- No, I mean it, Mum.
You should say something
before he really hurts someone.
And you should apologize to your brother.
[sighs]
A lot of people wanting apologies today.
[phone ringing]
Hey, Valerie.
What are you doing in one hour?
- [laughs hesitantly] Um, why?
- Something's come up.
It's exactly the kind of story
I need you to write.
Dexter Fabian's doing a nose-to-tail
where you can behead your own spatchcock.
Oh, that's
Just the sort of story
the show execs will love.
- I'm putting your name on the list.
- Oh, can you just take a pause on that?
Sorry. I'm still in Australia.
What the fuck, Liv?
You said you'd be back by Monday.
I'm here working my ass off for you,
and you're on the other side of the world?
I need you here, getting noticed.
- Uh, I'm gonna be back so soon.
- Cute.
Doesn't help me right now, or you.
- Let me get a story here.
- Get me Jane.
- I promise it'll be
- [line disconnects]
Valerie? Hel
So about the awards the other night,
I just wanted to say I'm sorry,
Amy's the best, I'm a dickhead.
- And The Standard?
- Um, independent journalism.
Newest subscriber, big fan.
Thank you
for what could have been an email.
[groaning] Oh. Jeez.
- You all right?
- Sorry.
I jogged for the first time.
- I feel I've been fucked by a truck.
- Helen?
I need to de-garbage my guts
so I can get back to New York
and a job which is, ironically,
being a professional garbage guts.
I'm thinking, um, Bondi Cleanse.
That's funny. You should write about it.
Excuse me.
Oh.
- [Valerie] People, deadlines looming.
- [mouths] Hi.
[mouths] What the fuck?
[mouths] It's fine. Chill.
Okay, so what have we got on today?
Dude, you can't just
ambush my boss at my workplace.
Well, you told me to apologize.
- God, you could've just sent an email.
- Sent an email. I know.
- But I figured it out.
- Figured what?
How to create buzz for Valerie
while stuck in this godforsaken city.
- The answer's here.
- Please don't say sex tape.
No, yuck. It's not 2008.
Listen, "Professional foodie
undertakes radical cleanse
where nothing goes in
and everything is flushed out."
Look.
"This four-day regime
of fasting, herbal laxatives, acupuncture,
cupping, and fecal purging"
- And you've pitched this to Valerie?
- No, I don't need to.
I just need to write a story
that's gonna make some noise,
and this will make some noise!
Oh, what? This cleanse
is gonna give me a juicy-as-fuck story,
and at the same time,
get my blood pressure to go
[simulates missile exploding]
Bam! Green card. Home.
Fuck diet, fuck exercise.
All I need to do is starve myself
and have my colon rinsed out.
I mean, it basically writes itself.
- All right. I would read that.
- Yeah.
Oh, shit.
- You all right?
- Ugh, getting dragged to hell online.
- [sighs deeply]
- Wow, your job's really relaxing.
It's also Archie's birthday this weekend.
Some little shits are bullying him
at school so I wanna make it good.
I gotta go, okay?
No, well, hey, just come with me
while I get penetrated by a hose.
You can have a massage.
This place is like a spa.
No. I don't need a massage.
I need this whistleblower to call.
Aren't you a journalist?
Don't you wanna see
what they flush out of my filthy hole?
- No, don't say filthy hole.
- [in a silly accent] My filthy hole?
I hate you. Get out of here.
My filthy hole. My filthy hole.
[whispers] Filthy hole.
[shushing]
All right, I'll come. Just shush.
[Liv] This isn't exactly
the nose-to-tail story my boss was
Whoa! Okay, just right in there.
- [exhales]
- You will feel yourself expand now.
- Oh. Spiritually?
- In your arsehole, dear.
- [machine whirring]
- Oh.
Ugh.
Uh, well, this looks veterinary.
- How'd you go?
- Quite oily.
We ask no phones in the shedding space.
Oh, thank you for asking.
And my answer is no.
[mouths] Sorry.
[moaning]
Ugh, God.
Dude, you need to chew your food.
God, I'm so unhealthy.
- Look at me, I need to be hosed out.
- Hmm.
This is humiliating.
- Oh, we should get a photo.
- Ooh, yeah.
Hold it up.
- Yoink.
- Liv!
No, mate, stop. You need to relax.
Drink some tea.
Analyze my insides.
- [exhaling]
- [phone ringing]
- My whistleblower!
- Oh.
Oh, please, not mid-drain.
- Oh, fuck! Fuck!
- [Liv moaning]
- [clinician] You don't wanna do that.
- Uh, can you call them back?
No, it's an unlisted number!
- [phone continues ringing]
- [straining] Don't pull, please.
- Hello?
- [line disconnects]
Fuck. [groans] Oh!
- Maybe
- Don't, just don't.
[Liv grunting]
[exhaling deeply]
- Lovely weather we're having lately.
- Really is. Isn't it lovely out there?
I understand.
We'll ensure it doesn't happen again.
Thank you.
Sorry again.
- What was it this time?
- He's prescribed the wrong drug.
Twice the dose.
Viagra.
Must have been a hard night, eh? Eh?
Good to see you again, uh
Shirley.
Of course, uh, Shirley.
Uh, best of luck with
- With With all of it.
- Don't worry. Yeah.
Anyway, I just thought
I'd put it on your radar.
Uh, well
[chuckles awkwardly] Well, goodness.
I hope he doesn't take it all at once.
His wife won't be able to walk.
Oh, yes, I wouldn't like to be her.
It's just that this is the second time
it's happened this week,
and, of course, human error.
[laughs nervously]
It happens to the best of us,
but there is a pattern,
and I just felt it would be irresponsible
if I didn't mention something.
Lorraine, what are you trying to say?
I'm worried about these mistakes.
And given your family history,
I think you should be checked
for dementia.
[knocking on door]
Hey. I was in the neighborhood.
Is Amy around?
Mate, I'm not sure she's up for a pop-in.
Hey, Ams, Liv's here.
What do you mean you can't do
vegan and gluten-free sausage rolls?
Fine. We'll need both then.
[Liv] Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kwan.
- Hi.
- [Mrs. Kwan] Hello.
Oh, wow, this looks so good.
Hi, Liv. Here for dinner?
- You're always welcome.
- Oh, I can't. I wish.
I'm doing this fast.
Bondi Cleanse. No food for me.
[in Cantonese] White people
need to experience more famines.
Liv.
Hey, hey!
Aww. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
[chuckles]
It's the almost-birthday boy.
- Is that for me?
- It is.
Can I open it now?
Yeah, why not?
- Wow.
- Oh, no.
[plays off-key and loudly]
- Yeah.
- Look what Liv got Archie.
"Thrilled" is not the word.
- Hey, can we have a chat?
- What We're about to eat.
Evie, can you wash your hands?
It's dinnertime.
- [Evie] Okay.
- You're annoyed with me.
- I'm just stressed.
- [Archie continues playing off-key]
What do we say, Archie?
Thanks, Liv.
Are you gonna come to my party?
That's why I'm here. If you need help
with Archie's party, I can help.
- Liv can help with games.
- She could.
She really could.
- Fine.
- Yes!
[soft music playing]
[snoring]
Hair, shiny. Nails, strong.
Eyes, luminous.
Sense of smell has sharpened,
not hungry at all, and pain free.
Also, weirdly horny.
Intense dreams. Sex with a centaur?
Massive cock.
Can we leave the cock talk
till afternoon, please, Olivia?
Um, well, I'm actually
recording notes for work.
[Lorraine sighs]
You all right? You look rough.
Thank you, hint taken.
Well, guess what? It's the weekend.
So I'm gonna come for that walk with you,
Miss 5-Kilometers-Every-Morning.
Not today.
But you go every morning.
I'm not in the mood. Besides,
aren't you starving yourself to death?
Yeah, but I've got,
like, a surge of vitality.
I feel like I've been reborn.
Actually, that's good.
Surge of vitality,
feel like I've been reborn.
Valerie is going to eat this story up.
Mum, look at this.
Like, no more pain.
- Well, a bit.
- [Lorraine] See a fitness professional.
Like the one you're related to.
Call your brother.
Note, if centaur cock
had to be compared to fruit,
it would be pineapple?
["You Sexy Thing" by Caleb Hawley playing]
I believe in miracles ♪
Where're you from, you sexy thing? ♪
You sexy thing ♪
I believe in miracles ♪
Since you came along, you sexy thing ♪
How did you know I needed you? ♪
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, okay. All right, yeah.
I need help! Help.
Are you all right? Here you go. Grab this.
[Liv grunting] Um, okay.
- Oh! Oh, my God, was that your penis?
- [man groaning]
- My fault. It's okay. It's fine.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- It's fine. No, I'll just
- Come on, just No, you're okay.
- Nothing to it. It's okay.
- No!
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- [man groaning]
- Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
- Uh, no.
- [Gaz] Jesus, Liv.
Wha What the hell?
You can help any time, Gaz.
No, get lost, roster's full.
But I'm your sister.
And Mum says you have to.
- Oi, this isn't a chemist.
- What? I need aspirin. Everything hurts.
Mate, I'm so sorry.
She's a total nightmare.
That's fine. [laughs]
Shut up. Don't listen to him.
I'm a human sunbeam.
- [Gaz scoffs]
- I can tell. Ow.
You've, uh, certainly brightened my day.
Please, Gaz.
Are you seriously pissy
about the wedding stuff?
Oh, are you seriously asking me
to help you get fit for free?
Listen, for me to get back
to the US, I have to
Oh, just You can't get away from us
quick enough, can you?
Good luck getting all this sorted out.
I feel like you guys need some privacy,
so I'm gonna de-swell outside. Cool?
[groaning]
What's his deal?
Ex-football player who
- No. No, don't even think about it.
- What?
This is Isaac's safe space,
and you are not a safe person.
Can you please hear me out?
[Liv farts]
Oh, that's the cleanse. Did a colonic.
[farting]
- Go. Just
- Yeah.
[softly] I'm just
[exhales]
- No, go!
- [exhales] Oh, God.
[grunts and farts] Oh, jeez.
Ugh.
[whirring]
[sniffling]
[Liv blowing nose, clearing throat]
I don't get it. I felt amazing yesterday.
I've gotta help my friend
with her kid's party.
This happens to everyone at this stage.
I know it's brutal,
but it's worth it if you push through.
Okay.
Now, before we get started,
let's just double-check.
- So, haven't been to a spa today?
- No.
- Not feeling faint?
- No.
Any medications, blood-thinners, aspirin
in the last 24 hours?
- Uh, why?
- Safety protocols.
We'd need to reschedule.
Oh, no, it's It's fine.
Great.
Ready to purge?
Yeah.
[soft music playing]
[Lorraine] Oh, look
at the state you're in.
I told you that cleanse was ridiculous.
[Liv] Ow! It's fine.
Here, Mum, let me help
Any time you try and help,
somehow it makes it worse.
All right. Slight character assassination.
Ow!
- Olivia!
- Oh, God.
[sighing] You're turning
this place into a crime scene.
It's the fucking aspirin.
I didn't realize I was still oozing.
- Well, you are.
- Yeah, 'cause you just tore my scabs off.
[tearfully] And that's my fault, is it?
[Liv sighs] Oh, my God.
Mum, what is wrong?
Dr. Price fired me.
What?
- Why? You've worked there forever.
- Yes, I'm aware of that.
Well, what happened?
Well, stupidly, I took your advice
and talked to Dr. Price
about his memory loss.
- He did not like hearing it.
- Well, you did the right thing.
It doesn't matter
if it's wrong or it's right.
I don't have a job.
Well, maybe that's a good thing.
You work so hard.
Now you can have some fun.
Like you?
What have you got to show for it?
How much have you got in savings?
In superannuation?
You might live day by day,
but in the real world
I live in the real world.
Don't shit all over my life
because you're afraid of joy.
I am not afraid of joy. I'm full of joy.
[tearfully] I am a joyful person.
Name three things that bring you joy.
- Um
- Go on, name them.
- Coffee.
- Oh, God.
- Television.
- Wow, riveting. What else?
Mum!
Softly, just break it to me softly ♪
Be straight with me but ♪
Oh, come on.
[vehicle approaching]
[car horn honking]
- [man] Here.
- Liv Healy.
Stavros? [chuckles]
Hey, bro, it's Lasagna Liv.
I thought you lived in New York.
I do.
Hey, uh, I'm going to Bronte to see Amy.
Reckon I can get a lift?
[Stavros] Sure thing. Jump in.
[Liv] Wow. [laughing] Your mate is munted.
[flies buzzing]
[man] I'll tell you
what was a surprise for me sporting-wise?
- [Doug] Yeah.
- [man] Loving golf.
Well, I've always wanted to get into golf.
Thank you. It's flax linen from France.
[in Cantonese] There are so many flies.
At least they are eating it.
[indistinct chatter in English]
[car approaching]
[loud music playing on car stereo]
- Thanks, Stav.
- [Stavros] Pleasure, Liv.
- [Liv] Amy, look who I got a lift with.
- Amy.
- Stavros.
- [Stavros] Heard you lived this way.
- Someone leveled up.
- Okay.
Loved your take-down
of the treasurer last month.
Um, breaking news, Stavros Karvelas
still has the hots for you.
[sniffs] Did you just punch some cones?
No, it's second-hand smoke.
What Jeez, what's with your back?
Oh, it's the stupid Bondi Cleanse
that I'm doing.
No broken furniture,
no judginess of my friends' life choices,
and remember, this is a kids' party.
Everyone, this is Liv, my best friend
from high school, back from New York.
- Liv, this is everyone.
- Hello. Hi.
How you going? Nice to meet you.
[man] We've actually met
at, um, Amy's party.
You broke the air fryer
that we bought her.
Oh, shit.
Sorry. I can't have that, I'm
I'm fasting. Sorry.
Uh, my taste buds have reset.
That is horrible.
It's allergy-free.
Touch normal food
and half the kids explode.
Anyway, look, it was a two-bedroom.
It's listed at 1.65.
It's ground floor. There's no parking.
It went for just over three million.
Oh, God, kill me now.
- Auction, just total carnage.
- Carnage. Carnage.
[man laughing] Carnage.
You got your eye
on anything at the moment, Liv?
You're talking to a 39-year-old
who just maxed out her Amex
and lives at home with her mum.
Am I looking for property? [chuckles]
Absolutely, yeah.
Gotta love
hate-browsing real estate, right?
Excellent way
to question your life choices.
- So, what do you do for a living?
- I'm a writer.
Bits and pieces, food, lifestyle.
Mainly for Banquet magazine.
The fast is actually
for an article I'm writing.
- God, I wish that was my life.
- Oh, she's totally being humble.
Can I tell them?
Liv is gonna be a judge on a very cool
and very exciting new cooking show.
Well, the judges
haven't officially been announced yet,
- but it's a pretty big deal.
- [phone ringing]
- My whistleblower!
- Dad?
- What's wrong, mate?
- Baden said the party's boring.
Oh, Arch, I'm sure he didn't mean it.
- Um, look, I
- Go. Just go. I've got it.
- Go.
- Okay.
[Liv] Oh, God.
Jeez, that's grim.
Hey.
Dad thought it'd impress the other parents
if the games were educational.
Yeah, that's a no.
Okay. Kids?
Games!
Whores in this house ♪
There's some whores in this house
There's some whores in this house ♪
There's some whores in this house ♪
I said certified freak
Seven days a week ♪
Wet-ass pussy
Make that pullout game weak ♪
Oh, come on, Timmy, get its head!
Yeah Ugh, no.
You don't think
this might promote animal cruelty?
The donkey knows what it did, Denise.
- It's Diane.
- Hey, kid Thank you.
Hey!
[children screaming]
Beat it up, nigga, catch a charge
Extra large and extra hard ♪
Put this pussy right in yo' face
Swipe your nose like a credit card ♪
Hop on top, I want a ride ♪
I've got the EpiPen!
- Bullrush!
- Bullrush!
[children screaming]
- Food fight!
- Food fight!
I want you to park that big Mack truck
Right in this little garage ♪
Make it cream, make me scream ♪
- Best party ever!
- [Liv laughs] Oh.
I don't clean
But let me tell you, I got this ring ♪
Gobble me, swallow me
Drip down the side of me ♪
[overlapping muffled sounds]
[girl] Dad!
[exhales]
- Hey, hey, you okay?
- No, I don't feel great.
- Oh, sit down, sit down.
- Okay.
Here, eat this. Okay?
It's gluten-free, but it has sugar.
- I can't, the cleanse.
- Eat it.
- Did you get the story?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.
- Get your blood sugar up.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
at the awards the other night.
And don't say it's okay,
'cause I know it's not.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Thanks.
- We're cool?
- Yeah, we're cool.
Hey, sorry
for giving that kid anaphylaxis.
Oh, he'll live.
Baden's a little cunt.
Thank you for doing this, Dalbert.
As if you're not busy enough with work.
Oh, please, in this market, the houses
are practically selling themselves.
Besides, we're family now,
so that means you should probably know
my dirty little secret.
I love sorting out finances. I'm serious.
Consolidating Gaz's superannuation
was the best day of my life.
I just need to know
that I've got enough to tide me over
before I find something else.
Okay, well, let's just see
what we're looking at here.
It's funny, I've worked there
ever since Graham died,
rain, hail, or shine.
That job saved me.
I don't know who I'd be without it.
Lorraine, I gotta say,
you are really well-positioned here.
I mean, between your savings
and superannuation,
you could say goodbye
to work altogether if you wanted to.
- You mean
- Retirement.
Today. [chuckles]
You are living the dream.
[exclaims] What?
- Say hello to your brand-new life.
- Oh.
[Dalbert chuckling]
[serene music playing]
[clinician] And this brings us
to the end of your cleanse.
Open your eyes.
How do you feel?
[Liv] Really good, actually.
Although I screwed up.
[clinician] What do you mean?
I had a cupcake.
[chuckles]
Most people slip up.
- [Liv] Really?
- [clinician] Mm. No one's perfect.
And one cupcake
doesn't undo the whole cleanse.
And one cleanse doesn't undo
everything we do
to our body over a lifetime.
This is just the start of your journey.
[sighs] So, what happened exactly?
From death breath and diarrhea,
to shiny hair and centaur sex dreams,
this story has been full of surprises.
But I did sleep better,
and I am thinking more clearly.
And by putting nothing in my mouth,
I realized just how much shit
I was putting into it before.
Although sometimes life does call
for the occasional cupcake.
Also, my blood pressure went down,
just not as much as I needed.
What'd you think was gonna happen?
You've wasted days, days where
you could've been doing something right.
Well, my blood pressure went down.
- Marginally.
- And my eyes are luminous.
Not medically relevant.
The woman at the cleanse
actually said that our metabolism
And what medical qualifications
does the woman at the cleanse have?
[sighs]
[on voicemail] Valerie here.
Don't know how you thought
writing about your bowel movements
would impress the show execs.
Get your ass back here.
I need you in New York, writing stories.
Fuck.
[sighs]
- Gaz.
- Oh, Jesus. What
Oh, sorry.
I really need your help.
I need your help with this.
This job in New York is huge,
and I can't fuck it up.
I'm really sorry
about what I said about your wedding.
I didn't mean it.
And I've actually, um,
hooked you up with a contact
who can source peonies overseas,
even though they're not available here.
Pretty sure the environmental impact
is massive, but they'll look great.
And if you want,
I would be more than happy
to emcee your wedding.
- No.
- That's fine, I totally get it.
But I really wanna help, any way I can.
[Gaz sighs]
Okay.
All right, well, see you around.
See you tomorrow.
Boot camp, 6:00 a.m.
- I'm gonna fucking hate this, aren't I?
- [gleefully] Oh-ho, absolutely.
[Gaz whistling]
[Liv sighs]
Hey, human sunbeam.
Oh, hey. Hi.
[upbeat music playing]
We took a ride ♪
To that place we know ♪
And now we're dancing in the afterglow ♪
You bring me up ♪
You never let me down ♪
You take the mess that I have made
And you turn it around ♪
It's so simple ♪
Like one, two, three ♪
You take your fingers
And I'm falling to my knees ♪
You and I ♪
Yeah, we're ready to go ♪
We took a ride ♪
To that place we know ♪
And now we're dancing in the afterglow ♪
Dancing in the afterglow ♪
Yeah, we're dancing in the afterglow ♪