Wendell and Vinnie (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

1 This is so much worse than I thought.
And I was actually told this would be a sixth grade art show.
Hey, where's yours so I can say it's great and leave? Whose mom is that? Oh, that's miss Pimmentel, the Vice principal.
Mmm, Vice principal.
So she breaks the tie in the teachers' lounge.
So here it is.
What do you think? It's great, except you're looking a little judgmental.
Am I? So you don't like it? Like it? It's incredible.
It's so much better than that thing.
What's that even supposed to be, a fish? It's a clown! Don't cry, Amber.
You have other great qualities.
You're very emotionally present.
Okay, I'm not the bad guy here.
That's not what clowns look like.
Now, that's what a clown looks like.
I'm showcasing in case I meet an eligible someone.
Uh, 90% of the men here are married.
Which means 10% of them are single, sad, and lonely, which puts them exactly in the Wilma zone.
Ooh, no ring, going in.
Any idea how long it takes me to turn in this thing.
Miss Pimmentel? Hi, I'm Vinnie basset.
I'm Wendell's Uncle.
Oh, you're the Uncle I heard so much about.
Ah, giving up my life to raise Wendell as my own.
I'm no hero.
No, I meant you owe us $106 for band dues.
"No hero," I stand by my statement.
You know, it's amazing how well Wendell has transitioned.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hey, cardigan, slow down.
Please, Amber, it's okay.
It's not about what other people think.
It's about what you have to say as an artist.
If I give you $5, will you stop crying? Deal.
Well, you're really fabulous and so am I, which makes me think we should be fabulous together over dinner sometime.
Sorry, I can't.
But it was great to meet you.
Yeah, no, I can't either.
That was a test.
You totally passed! Yay, you! Hey, hi, excuse me Oh, my God.
Hey, anyone got change for a $20? I never felt so good never felt so good.
I never felt so good never felt so good so wait a minute hey.
I never felt so good The tape is Step aside, stretch.
Taryn, I open boxes for a living.
Why you got to make people feel stupid? Girly magazines.
Sadly, I'm just encouraged to know you're reading.
These happen to be classics from the past, valuable collector's items.
Whoa.
They must've gone through a lot of shampoo back then.
You got to hide these from Wendell.
If you think there's anything that's gonna keep me from reading that Ralph nader interview, you're sadly mistaken.
These are inappropriate for children.
Ignoring consumer rights is inappropriate for everybody.
So, Wendell, how about some eggs and bacon and you tell me about miss Pimmentel? Who's that? A hot Vice principal at school.
Jealous? No.
Yes, you are.
Even if I were totally into you, I wouldn't be jealous.
Why is that? I know your pattern.
If you like a girl, she's either out of your league or nuts.
And which are you? Out of your league.
You're nuts.
Well, my hungry little friend, what's the skinny on the shorty? I don't know much.
- You like bacon? - I do like it.
You're not talking like you like bacon.
Well, she went out with Jason banks' dad.
That's more like it.
Jason, the kid who always pulls the fire alarm? - Yep.
- What else you got? Oh, she also went out with Lucas Connor's dad.
Wait a minute, isn't he the kid that slashed the principal's tires? Hmm, well, I think you have your answer.
Yeah, she only dates the dads of cool kids.
Well, nitrate it up, champ.
No, she's a rescuer.
A tiny animated mouse that goes on adventures? I don't This woman clearly gets involved with dads who have problem kids, because she likes to "rescue" the kids and, in some twisted way, their fathers too.
Gentlemen, we have a nut.
But, Wendell, couldn't ask you to intentionally get in trouble for me like Robin hood or Gandhi? Keep your bacon.
I can't knowingly do something bad.
All I have is my honor.
Of course, I wouldn't expect you to honor the bro code.
I'm not familiar with this bro code.
It's simple.
A bro will do whatever it takes to help another bro get a date.
Aside from coming up with funny names for boobs, that's pretty much it.
- Well, I want to be a bro.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do love codes.
- Mm-hmm.
Forget about it, Wendell.
It's a stupid macho set of rules to help justify acting like you're a selfish jerk.
Not a bro.
Hey.
Where's Wendell's school directory? I've looking for Henry fink, that teacher who hit on me at the art walk.
Hit on you? You wrestled him to the ground.
It's called flirting.
And it worked.
Last night, he gave me his cold.
He he just didn't give me his number.
- Mm-hmm.
You are the saddest episode of sex and the city.
Aunt Wilma, Vinnie, someone got in trouble at school today.
What? You took a dirty magazine to school? - Mm-hmm.
And now I have to see the Vice principal? This is going right on the refrigerator.
Today you are a bro.
It's my first brodeo.
Yeah! Yeah! You're a bro today what are you guys doing? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Not a bro.
Come in.
Hi.
Thank you for seeing us, miss Pimmentel, or should I call you Miss Pimmentel.
Have a seat.
First, let me just say I am appalled that Wendell took an inappropriate magazine to school today.
I'm sorry, Uncle Vinnie.
Zip it, pervert.
Mr.
basset, Wendell's never been in trouble before.
Maybe this is just a onetime thing.
No, he is a time bomb just waiting to explode.
Right, Wendell? See? Ugh! He's got deep emotional issues.
Well, this might be the start of a pattern of bad behavior.
I don't know what to do.
I need help.
Well, that is why you have me.
Let's set up another appointment for Monday.
Oh, during the week is tough.
How about Saturday? Um, yeah, I guess I could make Saturday work.
Awesome.
My house, sporty casual.
Well, I've certainly learned my lesson, and there is no punishment worse than the unbearable guilt I'll have to learn to live with.
Shall we go? And in addition to guilt, I'm also giving you Saturday detention.
What? Detention? Detention? Don't worry.
It's just four hours in a room with kids who got in trouble.
Oh.
What'd you do to me? This is my life.
This is my life.
Come on, it's no big deal.
I'm scared to be thrown in there with those animals.
I can't do time with this face.
Look, it's just detention.
It's not the electric chair.
- Wendell.
- Yes? It's time.
Oh, come on, you're a lawyer.
You got to help me.
Sweetie, I'm gonna try.
I'm gonna go down there and try to get you out of this.
But if it doesn't work, I brought you something.
Sock full of quarters.
For the vending machine? Okay.
Let's just get this over with.
All right, well, I just want to say one last time, you know, for the record, I think you are the worst parent ever.
Well, that's your opinion.
It's mine too.
Come on, hey, listen, you're gonna be fine.
I've done a lot of detention in my day.
Here's my secret: You keep your head down.
You don't talk to anyone.
And if they still try and bother you, mess your pants.
Oh, Vinnie, that's gross.
I'm not saying it's your first move.
But trust me, it keeps people away.
Got me out of Canada.
Don't worry, Wendell.
I'm gonna sweet-talk the teacher.
We'll be out of here in ten minutes.
Don't even bother sitting down.
- Thanks, aunt Wilma.
- Sure.
Henry fink, you bacteria-ridden liar! Hey, this seat taken? Hey, hey.
Ba - Wilma.
- Wilma! Great to see you.
Great to see me? Is it? Is that why you never called? No, I lost my phone.
Always the last place you look.
The school board has a protocol for kids like Wendell.
This is going to be a very long road for him and for you.
He's in pretty serious trouble.
I know.
It's tearing me apart.
Hello, fellow wrongdoers.
I brought rugelach if anyone's peckish.
Hold up.
Get the rugelach first.
What's wrong, meat? You couldn't afford an assortment? Who are you? I'm your worst nightmare.
A degree from Cornell? No, I'm Lacy, and I'm gonna make your life a living hell.
All right, well, I didn't want to bust out my secret weapon, but you asked for it.
Anyone got a magazine? Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight come out tonight, come out tonight Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon which one of you made him do that? None of us.
This was his idea.
I danced with the gal with a hole in her stocking and her heel kept a-knockin' and her toes kept a-rockin' I danced with the gal with a hole in her stocking and we danced by the light of the moon I was lying in bed last night combing through Wendell's records trying to find that moment that initiated his aberrant behavior.
Do you have any idea what it could have been? What'd you say after, "lying in bed"? Mr.
basset, I mean, do you even care about what's going on with your nephew? I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just in denial.
I understand.
You are in a tough situation.
I mean, you're an insta-dad.
- Mm-hmm.
You didn't ask for this.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter if I asked for it or not.
It's it's my responsibility, and it's just so hard.
Sometimes I think I'm the one who needs rescuing.
Gah.
Know that I am here for you too.
Yeah.
Come on, give it to me.
Give it to me! Ow! Take it back! No number, no phone call.
All I got from you was a nice memory and a throat full of phlegm.
Maybe I didn't call because I was scared because you're too wonderful.
What? No.
- Aunt Wilma, help! - Not now.
I just don't know what happened.
Wendell used to be such a great kid.
Oh, well, this is a cute picture of the two of you.
When did you go to the grand canyon? Oh, I wish.
We had this taken at the mall.
That's a fake backdrop.
Wendell's afraid of heights.
Turns out he's also afraid of backdrops.
Oh.
Well, don't worry.
We're gonna fix him right up.
I want you to know that when I get involved in these things, I get very involved.
Well, I couldn't do this without you, Kylie.
I've very lucky to have you.
Well, the good news is, now that Wendell has been red-tracked, I'll have to do a lot of in-home follow-ups.
- Uh, I'm sorry, re red-tracked? - Mm-hmm, Wendell's gonna need counseling, compliance checks, behavioral modification.
Yeah, oh, no, I That sounds like a lot of work for the little guy.
Oh, yes, things are about to get very crazy.
Well, look, Kylie, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
You should know I asked Wendell to get in trouble just so I could see you again.
You sent that poor kid to detention just so that you could spend time with me? That's sick.
- Yeah, I know.
- You're bad.
Very bad.
No! Okay.
No, I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
Um, look, I can't do this, 'cause I feel guilty and I'm worried.
Yes, you're getting very worked up.
Vice principal likey.
You don you don't get it.
Wendell's not a red track kid.
I got to get him out of there.
Oh, come on, Vinnie, Wendell has two more hours of detention.
You don't want him to suffer in there for nothing, do you? No, this stops now! Or in 15 minute no, this stops now.
All right, basset, what's it gonna be? Swirly or wedgie? Am I correct in assuming that neither is a frozen treat? Right again, genius.
Then I choose to be done.
I don't think that's up to you.
That's where you're wrong.
Detention is not a playtime.
It is meant to be an opportunity for study and quiet reflection, and I, for one, am not going to squander this moment.
I'm going to better myself.
Now, you can join me and improve your lives, or you can waste your time bullying me.
The choice is yours.
- Let's bully him.
- Yeah.
Hold it, I got this.
Watch the door.
How's the book, meat? A little dry, but it is about land grants.
As usual, the real gold's in the footnotes.
Come on, Lacy, I know you're obligated to punch me.
But you know what really hurts? Tickling.
Have at it.
That's it.
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm not really a tough girl.
It's all an act.
Pretty good act.
I can't breathe.
Sorry, I had to adopt this attitude to survive in here with these miscreants.
You certainly convinced me.
You're like a javier bardem if he was a sixth grade girl.
You know, I never get tired of hearing that.
You're all right, kid.
We should hang out sometime.
I would love that.
Now, we just got to make them think you're tough.
You ever do any acting? - I dabble.
- Good.
Ow, you didn't have to hit me.
Anybody else want a lecture from Professor knuckles? 'Cause he's handing out a pop quiz.
This kid's crazy.
Do not mess with him.
Yeah, that's right.
Rugelach.
Thank you.
Now, everyone, pull out a textbook and read, and I swear I will review this stuff.
I gave you a part of myself, several parts if I recall correctly, and the least you can do is call a girl back.
You know, I look, we don't have to go out again.
You don't have to lie, but what you do have to do is treat me with some respect.
It's not too much to ask.
Wow, that's fair.
And more than that, that's impressive.
Maybe I'll give you another shot.
You're gonna give me another shot? Yeah, you're gonna give me another shot, huh? Yeah.
I can't believe what I'm doing here.
I am chasing after a guy who doesn't have the common courtesy to call me back, and yet I'm supposed to be grateful that you're giving me another shot? No, my friend, you are the one who lost something here today.
You don't get another shot.
I am moving on to better things.
So I mean, not not now.
I have to wait for Wendell.
Oh.
Doesn't make any sense for me to leave and come back.
You know, gas prices and all.
Wendell! Wendell! I'm here to save you from this quiet study time.
What the hell's going on? Uncle Vinnie, I'm fine.
Get out of here.
Wha Where's the teacher? Who's in charge? I am.
Now go.
This tall guy bothering you? No, no, he's okay.
Just let him pass.
Uh, you have a gang? We prefer the term "loyal companions.
" Huzzah! Yo, yo, homey, I got the dried apricots you was cravin'.
Good lookin' out, player.
Huh! Uncle Vinnie, this is my detention friend lacey.
Oh, hey, lacey, nice to meet oh.
I don't like people putting pressure on my friend Wendell.
He may not be mad at you for using him to get in with some tramp, but I am.
Oh, well, technically, he got himself into trouble.
Save it, chin.
I got my eyes on you.
Okay, okay.
How about this.
There's one beer left in the fridge.
Do you drink it or give it to your bro? Bro code says stapler fight for it.
- Stapler fight? - Next question.
Your buddy leaves a sandwich in the refrigerator.
According to the bro code, how long before it's fair game? Trick question.
The fridge is for beer.
Drr! Come on, these are easy.
Give me a hard one.
Okay, you and your bro are hanging out.
He's cute and single.
Do you introduce me? Hell, no.
That's the bro code? Screw the bro code.
No one's gankin' my skeeze.
- Oh-ho, that's so sweet.
You wouldn't let me be ganked.
I'm touched.
How touched are you? Oh, not that touched.
Come on.
Not a bro.