Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Softball
1 [phone ringing.]
- Yes, this is President Bush.
- [man.]
Reagan's not there? No, President Reagan isn't president anymore.
I succeeded him.
- Thanks.
- All right.
- Have a good day.
- You, too.
Bye-bye.
- [knocking at door.]
- Come on in.
Mr.
President, we received this in the mail this morning.
It's a video cassette, sir.
- Who sent it? - Mr.
Bojangles, sir.
- Mr.
Bojangles? - [man.]
Yes, Mr.
President.
And he insisted you watch it immediately.
Well, put it in! Put it in! [saxophone playing.]
Mm-mmm-mmm.
[cheering on TV.]
All right, you got some chubby Bubba blowin' a tuba.
What's the point? Mr.
Bojangles says he'll explain everything when you arrive, sir.
- Arrive where? - The limousine is waiting outside, sir.
- Mr.
Bojangles says it's urgent.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God, I'm gonna boot.
[agent.]
President Bush has landed.
Repeat, President Bush has landed.
President Bush is in the compound.
Is Mr.
Bojangles here? [falcon screeching.]
- Hey, George.
- [Bush.]
Hello, Ex-President Reagan.
You know, George, chopping wood is an art form.
Hit the log in the right spot and it cracks open, like dry human bones on a hot summer day.
There you go.
- [Claire.]
Look at us, everybody! Look! - Hey! We made T-shirts for everyone! No, she made T-shirts.
I paid for them.
[laughing.]
Blah, blah, blah.
Anyone can make money.
But not everyone can come up with killer sex puns about campfires.
- [Mark chuckles.]
- [Abby.]
Ooh! - J.
J.
- No fucking way! - [Claire.]
Abby.
- I'm gonna Flashdance it.
I have Andy's shirt here.
Does anyone know if he's coming? Last time I saw Andy was in '82.
I wrote him a ton of postcards, and he never wrote me back.
Whoo! Yeah, I heard he, like, peaked in high school.
Like, dropped out of community college and was working at the Burger Doink.
- [engine revving.]
- [man.]
Yeah! He called me once but then hung up.
- How'd you know it was him? - Star 69.
- He was the hottest guy in camp.
- And a major league douche.
[chuckles.]
Takes one to know one.
Ah-boom-boom-boom, hey-yah! [Claire laughs.]
[Beth.]
Hey, guys! - [J.
J.
.]
Beth! - [Mark.]
What's up? - You having fun? - Yeah! I guess you're wondering why I invited you back to camp this weekend.
You didn't invite us.
We made this plan ourselves ten years ago.
Okay, you win.
I'll stop pretending everything's fine and I'll tell you what it is.
- I'm selling the camp.
- What? I'm sorry, I have to go.
I have to help the kids make dragon boats with dry pasta and pipe cleaners.
[Mark.]
It's okay, honey.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Is she talking about this camp? - [Mark.]
This camp.
[Abby.]
Oh, my God.
The foliage really is beautiful this time of year.
The honeysuckles are in full bloom.
Yeah, it seems like fall could be coming a little early.
Yeah, it does seem like that.
It does.
[chuckles.]
I still can't believe that you're a VP of marketing at a major cosmetics company at 26 years old.
Katie, that is so impressive.
I don't know.
It seems like all I do is work.
It's like I've forgotten how to have fun.
This is fun.
Yeah, this is fun.
This is really fun.
[Coop.]
Oh, wait! Let me help you.
- Camp is great, huh? - Mm.
I wish I had somewhere to go to like this where I grew up.
- Where are you from? - Oh, I don't like to talk about myself.
Why don't you let me push that stroller? I mean, that's why I'm here! You're supposed to be relaxing with your friends.
No, no, no.
There's a certain way she likes to be pushed and I'm the only one who knows how to do it.
It's like this.
I understand.
Every parent has different ways they like things done.
But I think you and Ben are doing a really great job.
Really? You think so? Oh, yeah, you're great parents.
And little Ashley is just so beautiful, just adorable.
- You're like the perfect little family.
- Oh! - [ominous music playing.]
- [crow cawing.]
[Susie.]
So, you and Mark spend a lot of time with J.
J.
, huh? Well, yeah, you know, like, Mark works 70 hours a week at Lehman, and I'm in between jobs right now, a.
k.
a.
being a total "slacker.
" Like that movie that came out five weeks ago.
- [Abby.]
Yes.
- Exactly.
It sounds like you and J.
J.
should be in a relationship.
I mean, look at him.
- [J.
J.
grunting.]
- I bet he's really wild in the sack.
I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I make J.
J.
hang out with me so much, he doesn't have time for a real girlfriend of his own.
[women laughing.]
Now let's switch to your story line, Susie.
- Give us the 411 on Garth MacArthur.
- Yeah! British guys are so hot.
We're just making a movie together.
That's all! Liar, liar, pants on fire! Hang your pants from a telephone wire! Fine! If you guys want the dirty daily, I'll give you the dirty daily.
- We've been pitching woo.
Satisfied? - I knew it.
I knew it.
Tell us everything.
Okay.
I want to start with his dick, right here and right now.
I want circumference, ball weight, and girth.
Look, he is an actor in my film, and this is show business.
Mixed with a little monkey business.
The most important thing is it's none of your business.
You just used the word "business" about three different ways.
With these actor types, you have to be careful.
We're having sex and that's great, but it's not like I'm gonna fall in love.
I'm not that naive.
He is cute though, isn't he? Ah! Ah! Okay.
So, be honest with us, Garth.
Who is, like, the hottest famous chick you've bumped uglies with? Kelly LeBrock? Sherilyn Fenn? I don't get caught up in all that celebrity hogwash.
Oh, come on, man.
It's just us guys here.
Listen, I'll tell you the details about the intern I did a dump truck with in my office last week, but I know it's not gonna be as juicy as what you got.
Wait.
Is that true? I thought you were with that gal over yonder chatting with Susie.
- Claire, is it? - [Mark.]
Yeah, Claire.
She's been my girlfriend forever.
That's us on that tree right there.
We carved that back on the last day of '81.
[Mark.]
Oh! Hey, guys! [Gary.]
Hey, guys.
How was Waterville? It was really fun.
It's always fun to get away from camp.
Even for an hour.
- [both laughing.]
- Totally.
Look, I've been begging her to move in with me.
I want to get married.
But if she's not willing to make a commitment, why should I be? - [Garth.]
Oh, I don't know, mate.
- [glass shattering.]
Seems like this is between you and Claire.
I'm staying out of it.
You should see some of these girls that are at my office.
[Grunts.]
Fresh out of B-school, eager to please and make an impression.
Why didn't you tell me about all this extracurricular activity until now? Honestly, mate, I don't date actresses.
They're all fucking mental.
That's why I love Susie so much, you know? She's different.
I just wish she was as serious about me as I am about her.
If only she saw it that way.
[sighs.]
Hey, man, um, you're not gonna say anything to Claire about this, right? - No, sure.
- Cool.
Cool.
Just 'cause I might yank out my pilgrim to carve the old Thanksgiving turkey every once in a while, I still love Claire.
You know that, right? - Yeah, no.
I totally, totally get that.
- Okay, cool.
'Cause, I mean, sure, yeah, you know, yes, I might take my goblin out trick-or-treating on Halloween, dip into that candy corn a little early, but that doesn't mean that Claire isn't still the caramel apple of my eye.
- Yeah, totally.
I get it.
- Okay, cool.
- Man, I get it.
- Cool.
Glad we're good.
'Cause I'm just saying, on Fourth of July, I might whip out my bottle rocket and do the Uncle Sam dance.
- [vocalizing.]
- Mark, I get it! You fuck women who aren't Claire.
I get it.
Okay, maybe lighten up, dude.
- [engine revving.]
- [J.
J.
.]
Andy? Is that Son of a gun! It's Andy! - Hey, Andy! Over here! - Andy! - [McKinley.]
Andy! - [J.
J.
.]
Oh! He's doing donuts! - [laughing.]
- Yeah, boy! Get them donuts! He's doing donuts! Andy's doing donuts! [McKinley.]
Andy's doing donuts! "I wish Andy would take a bite of me.
" "I know.
I wish Andy would take a bite of me, too.
" Well, you're both in luck, donuts.
[all laughing.]
[Claire.]
I always love when Andy does the donut routine.
Andy doing donuts just like the good old days! One of you fleens grab my stuff.
I gotta take a monster dump.
Where's Katie? Tell her I want to fuck her.
Son of a gun! 'Cause single people like moo shu pork, right? - [chuckles.]
I guess.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! What do you think you're doing there? - What? - That's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
You can't just walk right past it.
It's, like, totally sacrilegious.
[laughing.]
Oh, my God! You are not serious right now.
I am.
Stop.
I absolutely am serious.
- We must respect the spirit.
- Oh, come on, Coop.
You know that's just some stupid lawn sculpture that Mitch bought in a flea market in Skowhegan.
Well, I just would not mess around with any of this supernatural stuff.
I'm sorry, Spirit of Camp Firewood.
I didn't mean any disrespect.
Spirit says he'll let it slide this time.
Oh! It's a he.
[Coop.]
It could be a she.
[Arty.]
We're at that moment in the morning when breakfast is just a fading memory and lunch is looming, folks.
And if you're not out there yet, get your booty in motion.
The big softball game is underway.
[chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! [chanting continues.]
[laughs and grunts.]
- He's like Andy but for today.
- Yes! Hey, kid, who is that? [gagging.]
Oh, that's Jeremy Deegenstein, but everybody calls him Deegs.
- Deegs? - Yeah, Deegs.
- He's, like, the coolest guy at camp.
- [crowd cheering and clapping.]
[cooing.]
Your nanny seems really great, McKinley.
All the guys are drooling.
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Do you feel like there's something off about her? I do.
I just I can't I can't put my finger on it.
Well, you know, the hot nanny always turns out to be a psycho killer.
You know that, right? - [crowd cheering.]
- Here we go, batter! Swing, batter! Wait, what do you mean? Oh, it's just like in those movies.
Any time the nanny is hot, it just means she's a homicidal maniac.
Go, batter! Swing, batter! - Really? - Totally.
At first, she butters you up, tells you you have the perfect family.
Then one of the parents calls the nanny agency to ask about her, and the receptionist is all like, "We don't have any record of that person ever having worked here.
" And then shit takes a super dark turn.
Hey, can I have some bug juice? I could eat you up! Yes, I can! I can eat you up! I can eat you.
[ominous music playing.]
Being at Firewood brings back a lot of memories, huh? Yeah.
You know the crazy thing, I still have that flannel shirt you gave me the last day of camp.
That old rag? Get out of town! Yeah.
I remember I was at this picnic once.
It was really cold.
We were eating fennel out of these little cylindrical paper tubes.
- It was taking me forever to eat.
- Mm.
I've been wearing it ever since.
[Sighs.]
So what happened? Did you finally finish your fennel funnel before you fetched my flannel? You were always such a wordsmith.
That's probably why you write novels.
[scoffs.]
Yeah.
I write them, but I don't always finish them.
Well, that sounds like we both have things we want to finish.
You want to finish the novel and I want to finish the fennel funnel.
[chuckles.]
Touché.
Coop, can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Do you ever, like think about, you know, us? You know, like, what would have happened if we Like, you know Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Katie, there's some guy from your office on the phone.
He says that they have some fall colors to pitch you.
Do you want to stop your conversation with Coop and take the call? - I should take the call.
- Okay, yeah.
But I still wanna tell you that thing that I was gonna tell you - before she interrupted.
- I wanna hear it.
- I'll find you at lunch then? - Sure.
Yeah.
Episode four.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
[Claire.]
Here we go, batter! Swing, batter! - [crowd cheering.]
- [man.]
Ooh! That's a frozen rope! [crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! [woman laughs.]
Boom shakalaka.
One small step for man, one giant leap for the JCs of bunk five! Andy, he's doing stuff like you used to do.
He's a turd.
He's ruining the flow of the game.
Hey! Shit or get off the pot! You're ruining the flow of the game! You're ruining the flow of my dick, old man! - Oh! - Oh, shit! I'll show that little river rat who's an old man.
Hey.
Let's pick this motherfucker off.
Give me your glove.
I'm taking over first.
Huh? - Go.
- Dude, who the hell are you? I'm your second to worst nightmare.
What's my worst nightmare? Me fucking your mom.
Hey, toss it! [crowd.]
Ooh! - Bitch.
- Dummy.
Toss it! Come on! This is so boring! - You're ruining the flow of the game! - It's his fault, not mine! You ever gonna steal second or are we gonna circle jerk till dinner? [spits.]
You're a chicken turd.
You're old and fat, and have gray hair.
[J.
J.
.]
Do something! Snot comes out of your dong instead of jism.
You smell like a rotting, old, fat, bloated corpse.
- You take that back, you stinky bitch.
- Make me, you dirty old shoe.
Second! Throw to second! [crowd cheering.]
Damn it! [crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! Go to first.
I'm taking over.
Let's pick this motherfucker off! I dare you to steal third, you Oh, shit! [crowd cheering.]
[crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! Go to second.
I'm taking over.
Let's pick this motherfucker off! I dare you to steal home.
Challenge accepted.
Home! Home! [distorted.]
Throw it home, you piece of shit! [cheering.]
[crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! This isn't over, tater tot.
Not by a long shot.
Guys, you know I can't believe that Beth is gonna sell this place.
It's, like, messed up.
I know.
It's been driving me crazy all day.
Let's go talk to her.
Hi, is this Sunny Day Nanny Services? Yes, my name is Waldorf Beauregard McKinley, and I was wondering if I could ask about one of your nannies.
Her name is Renata Murphy.
You don't have anybody on record by that name.
Can you double-check? Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Ben! Ben! Renata's been lying to us.
No! Claire mentioned something to me about how hot nannies are always psycho killers.
Well, guess what? I called the nanny service and they have no record of Renata Murphy on file! What? That can't be true.
She's lying! There's no file, Ben! She's got no file! That's because I'm not Renata Murphy.
I'm Renata Delvecchio.
Well, I was.
Delvecchio was my married name, but I'm recently divorced.
So I went back to my maiden name, which is Murphy.
And I guess I just forgot to update it in their system.
I'm sorry.
I'm still getting used to remembering that I'm divorced.
Renata, I am so sorry.
[sighs.]
Just trying to turn over a new leaf, be a better person.
- Renata, I don't know what to say.
- It's okay, really.
Like, I get it.
You know, I should've told you guys sooner.
And in this crazy world, you can't be too careful.
Especially when you have that that precious baby girl to protect.
I I get it.
- [Ashley coos.]
- [Renata.]
Oh! - [McKinley chuckles.]
- She's ready for her bottle.
[Renata.]
Oh, no, no.
Don't cry.
Guess I've got some egg on my face, huh? A little bit.
[sighs.]
Plus, I just feel so stupid about misjudging Renata.
Well, can you see now that everything is fine? I mean, can you please try and relax? Oh! I feel like a total dill weed! I just wanna have fun.
Well, that's what I want, too.
And I'll join you as soon as I finish up these blueprints.
But I want you to go now.
- Have some fun! - Okay.
Hey! [laughs.]
[sighs heavily.]
These blueprints really are quite literally kicking my ass.
Beth, we've talked, and we've decided we're not gonna let you sell the camp! - [Claire.]
Absolutely not! - We demand an explanation! You need to understand something.
Camps have changed a great deal since I've started.
They're all specialized now.
I mean, my own daughter is going to astronomy camp this summer.
In Florida, near her father, Associate Professor Henry Neumann.
There's theater camp, tennis camp, take a trip to Venice camp.
There's computer camp, math camp, presidential staff camp.
Beth, we get it.
There are a lot of different kinds of camps now.
What is your point? The freezing cold truth hurts, but here it is.
And I'm gonna serve it up raw.
You know, for years I would look at that totem and I would see a glow, a force, a magical feeling that covered us all, protected us, kept us safe and made us good.
And now, I look at it and all I see is a bunch of weird doodles carved into a piece of wood.
And if that spirit is gone, then I do not know what I'm doing here.
But I will find a buyer that cares about this place as much as we all did.
And it has been an honor to be your camp director.
Please excuse me.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
You know, George, the Bill Clinton videotape I sent you I bet you dollars for donuts that he'll defeat you next November.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless I campaign for you, George.
Give 'em a bit of the old Gipper charm.
- Yes.
- They'll do whatever I say.
Oh, hot dog, Mr.
President! Hot dog! Wait.
What's the catch? I'm gonna need a little favor in return.
See, there's this summer camp in Maine.
Camp Firewood.
I had the chance to destroy it ten years ago, but I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since.
I want you to help me finish some unfinished business, George.
What are you saying, Mr.
President? The truth is, my last year in office, I stole a nuke and I buried it underneath Camp Firewood in a secret bunker that I funded with dark money and I staffed with my own private team of military elites.
And I'm gonna blow that shithole camp to smithereens.
And I need you to give me the new launch codes.
[gasps.]
You want me to You want me to help you blow up a summer camp? I help you, you help me, George.
- President Reagan - [gasps.]
I should tell you as your lawyer, if you destroy property that's not yours, that'll leave you very vulnerable to a lawsuit.
We don't want a lawsuit, do we, Ron? But if you were to own said property, well, that would be a horse of a completely different color.
Well I guess we'll just have to buy ourselves a summer camp then, won't we? I help you and you help me, George.
What do you say, Georgie Porgie? Do we have a deal? Yes, sir, Mr.
President.
You got yourself a deal.
- Yes, this is President Bush.
- [man.]
Reagan's not there? No, President Reagan isn't president anymore.
I succeeded him.
- Thanks.
- All right.
- Have a good day.
- You, too.
Bye-bye.
- [knocking at door.]
- Come on in.
Mr.
President, we received this in the mail this morning.
It's a video cassette, sir.
- Who sent it? - Mr.
Bojangles, sir.
- Mr.
Bojangles? - [man.]
Yes, Mr.
President.
And he insisted you watch it immediately.
Well, put it in! Put it in! [saxophone playing.]
Mm-mmm-mmm.
[cheering on TV.]
All right, you got some chubby Bubba blowin' a tuba.
What's the point? Mr.
Bojangles says he'll explain everything when you arrive, sir.
- Arrive where? - The limousine is waiting outside, sir.
- Mr.
Bojangles says it's urgent.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God, I'm gonna boot.
[agent.]
President Bush has landed.
Repeat, President Bush has landed.
President Bush is in the compound.
Is Mr.
Bojangles here? [falcon screeching.]
- Hey, George.
- [Bush.]
Hello, Ex-President Reagan.
You know, George, chopping wood is an art form.
Hit the log in the right spot and it cracks open, like dry human bones on a hot summer day.
There you go.
- [Claire.]
Look at us, everybody! Look! - Hey! We made T-shirts for everyone! No, she made T-shirts.
I paid for them.
[laughing.]
Blah, blah, blah.
Anyone can make money.
But not everyone can come up with killer sex puns about campfires.
- [Mark chuckles.]
- [Abby.]
Ooh! - J.
J.
- No fucking way! - [Claire.]
Abby.
- I'm gonna Flashdance it.
I have Andy's shirt here.
Does anyone know if he's coming? Last time I saw Andy was in '82.
I wrote him a ton of postcards, and he never wrote me back.
Whoo! Yeah, I heard he, like, peaked in high school.
Like, dropped out of community college and was working at the Burger Doink.
- [engine revving.]
- [man.]
Yeah! He called me once but then hung up.
- How'd you know it was him? - Star 69.
- He was the hottest guy in camp.
- And a major league douche.
[chuckles.]
Takes one to know one.
Ah-boom-boom-boom, hey-yah! [Claire laughs.]
[Beth.]
Hey, guys! - [J.
J.
.]
Beth! - [Mark.]
What's up? - You having fun? - Yeah! I guess you're wondering why I invited you back to camp this weekend.
You didn't invite us.
We made this plan ourselves ten years ago.
Okay, you win.
I'll stop pretending everything's fine and I'll tell you what it is.
- I'm selling the camp.
- What? I'm sorry, I have to go.
I have to help the kids make dragon boats with dry pasta and pipe cleaners.
[Mark.]
It's okay, honey.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Is she talking about this camp? - [Mark.]
This camp.
[Abby.]
Oh, my God.
The foliage really is beautiful this time of year.
The honeysuckles are in full bloom.
Yeah, it seems like fall could be coming a little early.
Yeah, it does seem like that.
It does.
[chuckles.]
I still can't believe that you're a VP of marketing at a major cosmetics company at 26 years old.
Katie, that is so impressive.
I don't know.
It seems like all I do is work.
It's like I've forgotten how to have fun.
This is fun.
Yeah, this is fun.
This is really fun.
[Coop.]
Oh, wait! Let me help you.
- Camp is great, huh? - Mm.
I wish I had somewhere to go to like this where I grew up.
- Where are you from? - Oh, I don't like to talk about myself.
Why don't you let me push that stroller? I mean, that's why I'm here! You're supposed to be relaxing with your friends.
No, no, no.
There's a certain way she likes to be pushed and I'm the only one who knows how to do it.
It's like this.
I understand.
Every parent has different ways they like things done.
But I think you and Ben are doing a really great job.
Really? You think so? Oh, yeah, you're great parents.
And little Ashley is just so beautiful, just adorable.
- You're like the perfect little family.
- Oh! - [ominous music playing.]
- [crow cawing.]
[Susie.]
So, you and Mark spend a lot of time with J.
J.
, huh? Well, yeah, you know, like, Mark works 70 hours a week at Lehman, and I'm in between jobs right now, a.
k.
a.
being a total "slacker.
" Like that movie that came out five weeks ago.
- [Abby.]
Yes.
- Exactly.
It sounds like you and J.
J.
should be in a relationship.
I mean, look at him.
- [J.
J.
grunting.]
- I bet he's really wild in the sack.
I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I make J.
J.
hang out with me so much, he doesn't have time for a real girlfriend of his own.
[women laughing.]
Now let's switch to your story line, Susie.
- Give us the 411 on Garth MacArthur.
- Yeah! British guys are so hot.
We're just making a movie together.
That's all! Liar, liar, pants on fire! Hang your pants from a telephone wire! Fine! If you guys want the dirty daily, I'll give you the dirty daily.
- We've been pitching woo.
Satisfied? - I knew it.
I knew it.
Tell us everything.
Okay.
I want to start with his dick, right here and right now.
I want circumference, ball weight, and girth.
Look, he is an actor in my film, and this is show business.
Mixed with a little monkey business.
The most important thing is it's none of your business.
You just used the word "business" about three different ways.
With these actor types, you have to be careful.
We're having sex and that's great, but it's not like I'm gonna fall in love.
I'm not that naive.
He is cute though, isn't he? Ah! Ah! Okay.
So, be honest with us, Garth.
Who is, like, the hottest famous chick you've bumped uglies with? Kelly LeBrock? Sherilyn Fenn? I don't get caught up in all that celebrity hogwash.
Oh, come on, man.
It's just us guys here.
Listen, I'll tell you the details about the intern I did a dump truck with in my office last week, but I know it's not gonna be as juicy as what you got.
Wait.
Is that true? I thought you were with that gal over yonder chatting with Susie.
- Claire, is it? - [Mark.]
Yeah, Claire.
She's been my girlfriend forever.
That's us on that tree right there.
We carved that back on the last day of '81.
[Mark.]
Oh! Hey, guys! [Gary.]
Hey, guys.
How was Waterville? It was really fun.
It's always fun to get away from camp.
Even for an hour.
- [both laughing.]
- Totally.
Look, I've been begging her to move in with me.
I want to get married.
But if she's not willing to make a commitment, why should I be? - [Garth.]
Oh, I don't know, mate.
- [glass shattering.]
Seems like this is between you and Claire.
I'm staying out of it.
You should see some of these girls that are at my office.
[Grunts.]
Fresh out of B-school, eager to please and make an impression.
Why didn't you tell me about all this extracurricular activity until now? Honestly, mate, I don't date actresses.
They're all fucking mental.
That's why I love Susie so much, you know? She's different.
I just wish she was as serious about me as I am about her.
If only she saw it that way.
[sighs.]
Hey, man, um, you're not gonna say anything to Claire about this, right? - No, sure.
- Cool.
Cool.
Just 'cause I might yank out my pilgrim to carve the old Thanksgiving turkey every once in a while, I still love Claire.
You know that, right? - Yeah, no.
I totally, totally get that.
- Okay, cool.
'Cause, I mean, sure, yeah, you know, yes, I might take my goblin out trick-or-treating on Halloween, dip into that candy corn a little early, but that doesn't mean that Claire isn't still the caramel apple of my eye.
- Yeah, totally.
I get it.
- Okay, cool.
- Man, I get it.
- Cool.
Glad we're good.
'Cause I'm just saying, on Fourth of July, I might whip out my bottle rocket and do the Uncle Sam dance.
- [vocalizing.]
- Mark, I get it! You fuck women who aren't Claire.
I get it.
Okay, maybe lighten up, dude.
- [engine revving.]
- [J.
J.
.]
Andy? Is that Son of a gun! It's Andy! - Hey, Andy! Over here! - Andy! - [McKinley.]
Andy! - [J.
J.
.]
Oh! He's doing donuts! - [laughing.]
- Yeah, boy! Get them donuts! He's doing donuts! Andy's doing donuts! [McKinley.]
Andy's doing donuts! "I wish Andy would take a bite of me.
" "I know.
I wish Andy would take a bite of me, too.
" Well, you're both in luck, donuts.
[all laughing.]
[Claire.]
I always love when Andy does the donut routine.
Andy doing donuts just like the good old days! One of you fleens grab my stuff.
I gotta take a monster dump.
Where's Katie? Tell her I want to fuck her.
Son of a gun! 'Cause single people like moo shu pork, right? - [chuckles.]
I guess.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! What do you think you're doing there? - What? - That's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
You can't just walk right past it.
It's, like, totally sacrilegious.
[laughing.]
Oh, my God! You are not serious right now.
I am.
Stop.
I absolutely am serious.
- We must respect the spirit.
- Oh, come on, Coop.
You know that's just some stupid lawn sculpture that Mitch bought in a flea market in Skowhegan.
Well, I just would not mess around with any of this supernatural stuff.
I'm sorry, Spirit of Camp Firewood.
I didn't mean any disrespect.
Spirit says he'll let it slide this time.
Oh! It's a he.
[Coop.]
It could be a she.
[Arty.]
We're at that moment in the morning when breakfast is just a fading memory and lunch is looming, folks.
And if you're not out there yet, get your booty in motion.
The big softball game is underway.
[chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! [chanting continues.]
[laughs and grunts.]
- He's like Andy but for today.
- Yes! Hey, kid, who is that? [gagging.]
Oh, that's Jeremy Deegenstein, but everybody calls him Deegs.
- Deegs? - Yeah, Deegs.
- He's, like, the coolest guy at camp.
- [crowd cheering and clapping.]
[cooing.]
Your nanny seems really great, McKinley.
All the guys are drooling.
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Do you feel like there's something off about her? I do.
I just I can't I can't put my finger on it.
Well, you know, the hot nanny always turns out to be a psycho killer.
You know that, right? - [crowd cheering.]
- Here we go, batter! Swing, batter! Wait, what do you mean? Oh, it's just like in those movies.
Any time the nanny is hot, it just means she's a homicidal maniac.
Go, batter! Swing, batter! - Really? - Totally.
At first, she butters you up, tells you you have the perfect family.
Then one of the parents calls the nanny agency to ask about her, and the receptionist is all like, "We don't have any record of that person ever having worked here.
" And then shit takes a super dark turn.
Hey, can I have some bug juice? I could eat you up! Yes, I can! I can eat you up! I can eat you.
[ominous music playing.]
Being at Firewood brings back a lot of memories, huh? Yeah.
You know the crazy thing, I still have that flannel shirt you gave me the last day of camp.
That old rag? Get out of town! Yeah.
I remember I was at this picnic once.
It was really cold.
We were eating fennel out of these little cylindrical paper tubes.
- It was taking me forever to eat.
- Mm.
I've been wearing it ever since.
[Sighs.]
So what happened? Did you finally finish your fennel funnel before you fetched my flannel? You were always such a wordsmith.
That's probably why you write novels.
[scoffs.]
Yeah.
I write them, but I don't always finish them.
Well, that sounds like we both have things we want to finish.
You want to finish the novel and I want to finish the fennel funnel.
[chuckles.]
Touché.
Coop, can I ask you something? - Sure.
- Do you ever, like think about, you know, us? You know, like, what would have happened if we Like, you know Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Katie, there's some guy from your office on the phone.
He says that they have some fall colors to pitch you.
Do you want to stop your conversation with Coop and take the call? - I should take the call.
- Okay, yeah.
But I still wanna tell you that thing that I was gonna tell you - before she interrupted.
- I wanna hear it.
- I'll find you at lunch then? - Sure.
Yeah.
Episode four.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
[Claire.]
Here we go, batter! Swing, batter! - [crowd cheering.]
- [man.]
Ooh! That's a frozen rope! [crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! [woman laughs.]
Boom shakalaka.
One small step for man, one giant leap for the JCs of bunk five! Andy, he's doing stuff like you used to do.
He's a turd.
He's ruining the flow of the game.
Hey! Shit or get off the pot! You're ruining the flow of the game! You're ruining the flow of my dick, old man! - Oh! - Oh, shit! I'll show that little river rat who's an old man.
Hey.
Let's pick this motherfucker off.
Give me your glove.
I'm taking over first.
Huh? - Go.
- Dude, who the hell are you? I'm your second to worst nightmare.
What's my worst nightmare? Me fucking your mom.
Hey, toss it! [crowd.]
Ooh! - Bitch.
- Dummy.
Toss it! Come on! This is so boring! - You're ruining the flow of the game! - It's his fault, not mine! You ever gonna steal second or are we gonna circle jerk till dinner? [spits.]
You're a chicken turd.
You're old and fat, and have gray hair.
[J.
J.
.]
Do something! Snot comes out of your dong instead of jism.
You smell like a rotting, old, fat, bloated corpse.
- You take that back, you stinky bitch.
- Make me, you dirty old shoe.
Second! Throw to second! [crowd cheering.]
Damn it! [crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! Go to first.
I'm taking over.
Let's pick this motherfucker off! I dare you to steal third, you Oh, shit! [crowd cheering.]
[crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! Go to second.
I'm taking over.
Let's pick this motherfucker off! I dare you to steal home.
Challenge accepted.
Home! Home! [distorted.]
Throw it home, you piece of shit! [cheering.]
[crowd chanting.]
Deegs! Deegs! Deegs! This isn't over, tater tot.
Not by a long shot.
Guys, you know I can't believe that Beth is gonna sell this place.
It's, like, messed up.
I know.
It's been driving me crazy all day.
Let's go talk to her.
Hi, is this Sunny Day Nanny Services? Yes, my name is Waldorf Beauregard McKinley, and I was wondering if I could ask about one of your nannies.
Her name is Renata Murphy.
You don't have anybody on record by that name.
Can you double-check? Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Ben! Ben! Renata's been lying to us.
No! Claire mentioned something to me about how hot nannies are always psycho killers.
Well, guess what? I called the nanny service and they have no record of Renata Murphy on file! What? That can't be true.
She's lying! There's no file, Ben! She's got no file! That's because I'm not Renata Murphy.
I'm Renata Delvecchio.
Well, I was.
Delvecchio was my married name, but I'm recently divorced.
So I went back to my maiden name, which is Murphy.
And I guess I just forgot to update it in their system.
I'm sorry.
I'm still getting used to remembering that I'm divorced.
Renata, I am so sorry.
[sighs.]
Just trying to turn over a new leaf, be a better person.
- Renata, I don't know what to say.
- It's okay, really.
Like, I get it.
You know, I should've told you guys sooner.
And in this crazy world, you can't be too careful.
Especially when you have that that precious baby girl to protect.
I I get it.
- [Ashley coos.]
- [Renata.]
Oh! - [McKinley chuckles.]
- She's ready for her bottle.
[Renata.]
Oh, no, no.
Don't cry.
Guess I've got some egg on my face, huh? A little bit.
[sighs.]
Plus, I just feel so stupid about misjudging Renata.
Well, can you see now that everything is fine? I mean, can you please try and relax? Oh! I feel like a total dill weed! I just wanna have fun.
Well, that's what I want, too.
And I'll join you as soon as I finish up these blueprints.
But I want you to go now.
- Have some fun! - Okay.
Hey! [laughs.]
[sighs heavily.]
These blueprints really are quite literally kicking my ass.
Beth, we've talked, and we've decided we're not gonna let you sell the camp! - [Claire.]
Absolutely not! - We demand an explanation! You need to understand something.
Camps have changed a great deal since I've started.
They're all specialized now.
I mean, my own daughter is going to astronomy camp this summer.
In Florida, near her father, Associate Professor Henry Neumann.
There's theater camp, tennis camp, take a trip to Venice camp.
There's computer camp, math camp, presidential staff camp.
Beth, we get it.
There are a lot of different kinds of camps now.
What is your point? The freezing cold truth hurts, but here it is.
And I'm gonna serve it up raw.
You know, for years I would look at that totem and I would see a glow, a force, a magical feeling that covered us all, protected us, kept us safe and made us good.
And now, I look at it and all I see is a bunch of weird doodles carved into a piece of wood.
And if that spirit is gone, then I do not know what I'm doing here.
But I will find a buyer that cares about this place as much as we all did.
And it has been an honor to be your camp director.
Please excuse me.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
You know, George, the Bill Clinton videotape I sent you I bet you dollars for donuts that he'll defeat you next November.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless I campaign for you, George.
Give 'em a bit of the old Gipper charm.
- Yes.
- They'll do whatever I say.
Oh, hot dog, Mr.
President! Hot dog! Wait.
What's the catch? I'm gonna need a little favor in return.
See, there's this summer camp in Maine.
Camp Firewood.
I had the chance to destroy it ten years ago, but I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since.
I want you to help me finish some unfinished business, George.
What are you saying, Mr.
President? The truth is, my last year in office, I stole a nuke and I buried it underneath Camp Firewood in a secret bunker that I funded with dark money and I staffed with my own private team of military elites.
And I'm gonna blow that shithole camp to smithereens.
And I need you to give me the new launch codes.
[gasps.]
You want me to You want me to help you blow up a summer camp? I help you, you help me, George.
- President Reagan - [gasps.]
I should tell you as your lawyer, if you destroy property that's not yours, that'll leave you very vulnerable to a lawsuit.
We don't want a lawsuit, do we, Ron? But if you were to own said property, well, that would be a horse of a completely different color.
Well I guess we'll just have to buy ourselves a summer camp then, won't we? I help you and you help me, George.
What do you say, Georgie Porgie? Do we have a deal? Yes, sir, Mr.
President.
You got yourself a deal.