What About Brian (2006) s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on What About Brian What you are is romantic.
The last almost 2 years, I'm comparing every girl I go out with to her.
You have to really ask yourself: who is worth your time? Who is she? I'm in love with Marjorie.
No.
Adam is in love with Marjorie.
Adam's your best friend.
That door must close.
- You hearing me? - Yeah.
Marjorie is not an option.
Why don't we ever have sex anymore? We got married so young, you know? We missed out on the excitement that other people had.
What if we had sex with other people? What? Oh my god! You got engaged! Adam and Marjorie got engaged! - Where did they go? - Las Vegas.
Brian? I think I have serious feelings for you.
We're not gonna talk about this.
We're gonna pretend it never happened, just go back to the way it was before.
How do we do that? Why are there 8 places? Everyone, this is my friend Lisa.
Lisa, you know Adam.
This is Dave and Deena.
Nicole and Angelo.
And this is Brian.
Hi, Lisa.
So what did you think of Lisa? She just walked out the door, I don't think anything.
You have to think something.
You're gonna call her? Did you get her number? We could double date.
You know what? I can pick my own dates.
I don't need you to offer up a consolation prize.
It's not what I was doing.
Hey, Casanova.
Lisa, Brian looks like a love match.
Yeah! Hey Brian, are you gonna ask her out, huh? - No.
- Why not? Marjorie, you didn't even ask.
You just sprung on me in front of everybody.
Since when do we ask? Do you guys ever ask him? - No.
- 'Cause he always says no.
You think about it too much, buddy.
Listen, guys Adam, Angelo, can you come in here? - Yo, guys.
- Please.
I don't wanna be fixed up on any more dates.
I don't want any of you asking me about Lisa from today.
I have my own way of choosing my own dates, finding my own women.
I've been sitting on the sidelines watching you guys live your lives and I'm here to tell you: I'm getting in the game.
I'm running my life.
I'm doing what I want.
And I don't care what anyone else thinks.
That's a great speech, buddy.
- Yeah, really.
- Well done.
You know he didn't start talking 'till he was 3.
- Brian, come on! - Come on! Oh, hi! I forgot my cell phone.
I do that all the time.
So do you wanna go out some time? Um Sure, actually Marjorie was saying that we could double date.
That would be great.
Let me put my number in your phone.
Right.
There you go.
You were right! There you go.
Thank you for fitting us in, doctor Oscar.
My schedule is so crazy.
No problem, I hear it all the time.
If my couples worked less and screwed around more, I wouldn't have any patients.
We are not like that, doctor.
We are all the time screwing around.
Good! When I was a young OB, couples would ask me about ovulation and what was the best day to do it and I'd just say "brother, do it everyday".
Shower her with sperm.
That's the trick.
Let's see.
You had a miscarriage.
How long did it take you to get pregnant? Well, we've been 18 months we've been together and we never really used birth control.
Well, the fact is you did it once.
Obviously, Angelo here shoots real bullets.
But he could still have a low sperm count.
So I think we should do some tests.
Can you come in tomorrow, Angelo, and deposit a sample? Um can I just do it at home and mail it to him? It has to be fresh.
Those little suckers die off quickly.
I also teach privates.
Excuse me Hi, Deena, you need a ride? No, thanks.
I like walking.
I waited for you after class the other night.
Yeah, well I thought about it for like an hour in my car parked right over there.
I just thought I should go home.
You missed out.
Do you think every women you meet wants to have sex with you? I don't call it sex, I call it healing.
Hey, mommy.
What are you doing here? We thought we'd pick you up.
You never pick me up.
We're picking you up today.
Yeah, we're picking you up today.
Okay.
We're gonna go get a movie.
We want The Little Mermaid.
Daddy wants Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh really, The Little Mermaid and Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It's a good option, daddy.
What do we all say to The Little Mermaid? - This is The Blue Danube? - Yeah.
Lisa gains some culture.
Hey.
You remember uh the thing we were talking about the other night, you know - About the open marriage? - Yeah.
- Milk? - Yeah, the open milk.
What about it? Did you uh Did you drink milk with Steve the yoga guy? No, I did not.
But I hear he can drink milk for up to 5 hours straight without finishing the carton.
Wow! That sounds painful! - Shhh! - It's okay.
So, did you guys decide on a date for the wedding? We're not gonna do anything for the first couple of weeks, we just wanna enjoy the engagement part.
So, Brian Marjorie says you're really into cars? Yeah, I love old cars.
Especially in this town.
Literally everyday there's some old car I wish I could buy.
I have something like that.
You do? Lip-gloss.
I can't stop buying it.
I've got like 40 tubes and pots.
The kind with the wand applicator or the sponge tip.
I can't resist the sponge tip.
Are we still talking about lip-gloss? Brian, let's go have a game, huh? Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
He is so cute.
I haven't had sex for like months.
I might even go for a first dater.
Lisa! So what do you think of Lisa? I don't know.
The lip-gloss thing - But the body - Yep, the body.
Have you been thinking about it? Sure have.
What have you been thinking? I've been thinking that I can't stand the idea of you drinking milk with somebody else.
Don't! Think about it.
The me part.
It doesn't really matter.
I love you.
You're my husband.
You're my partner.
You're the father of my children.
I am never gonna leave you.
That's not what this is about.
Okay, what is this about? Well, I think it's about us giving each other a gift.
Gift of an adventure.
Without lying.
Without losing each other.
It's about us being grown up enough to do this thing which we will both enjoy and still love each other.
Will we will we still Are we gonna still drink milk together? Yeah.
Of course.
Might even taste better if the milk is open.
Mommy, the movie is over.
Thanks for a great dinner.
You're welcome, I wish you could stay longer.
I have the early shift.
And Marjorie and I have to have sex before 11 o'clock or we're both too tired.
I brought you something.
It's a new release with additional scenes.
We got one for us too.
- What is it? - Spinal Tap.
Oh, that medical thriller? Lisa, I think you left your cell phone here.
I am so sorry about Lisa.
I guess she's not your type.
No, I like her.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
Good.
Thanks, this is cool.
- Every time.
- See you.
- Bye, sweaty! - Take care.
Bye! - Good night, Adam! - Good night, sugar.
I think we kinda missed the moment, sweaty.
Brian.
I have to go to work.
You can stay, have a shower.
Um thanks for last night.
No, thank you.
- I'll call you.
- Okay.
Good morning, Lisa.
Can you pass me my razor? Hey! I'm all soapy here.
Arm hair.
It's a good look for you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm a friend of Lisa's.
Oh, friends.
Good.
- I'm Brian.
- Lisa.
- Lisa? - Lisa B.
I'm Lisa's roommate.
Nice to meet you, Lisa.
I'm sorry, I I'm finished with my shower.
Oh! okay, uh If you could just If you could just hand me a towel.
Okay, here you go Thanks.
Well, this is the first time I've met a guy in my bathroom.
So, uh Lisa, what do you do? I'm a designer.
I have a clothing line I'm trying to get off the ground.
And you? My partner and I make computer games.
Any games I would know? Well, Dave designed a game called Throttle Auto Bone.
Throttle Auto Bone? My ex boyfriend played that all the time.
- Great! - Yeah, I hated that game.
Well, I hated my boyfriend too.
Not really sure why I was with him.
Self-torture.
So you're tortured? - Oh, yeah.
- Me too.
I make mix CDs.
Well, uh I should maybe go put on some underwear.
Yeah.
Excuse me! Well, this is a good icebreaker.
Nudity.
See you, Brian.
Hey, Jimmy.
Is there a Brian Davis here? I'm his partner, I can take it.
- Just sign there.
- Right.
Must be hot out there, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You want water or a yoo-hoo? We got some yoo-hoo.
Uh no.
I'm Dave.
I'm the president chairman of Zap Monkey.
We make video games.
Are you trying to pick me up? Oh god! I'm sorry.
I'm so lame.
I'm really rusty at all this.
I've been married for 13 years and my wife and I are trying this open marriage thing.
not because we don't find each other attractive 'cause we do.
My wife is like a hottie but I don't know she sorta changed since we had kids.
We have 3 little girls.
And they're always sleeping in bed with us.
And it's like "Daddy!" Be safe out there.
She doesn't like the car seat, mommy.
Honey, check the diapers please.
You check the diapers.
- No, you check it.
- You check it.
Code brown! Code brown.
Oh, come on, honey.
You're gonna be all cleaned up.
You got your backpack? You have a good day at school, okay? - Okay.
- Go to school.
Have a good day! Deena! Hey, Richard.
Bunch of us are meeting down the beach playground around 3, you wanna come? Yeah, sure, um I'll see you there.
Okay.
So you have sex with this one girl and then you pick up another girl in her bathroom I didn't pick her up.
Oh, god! If I could have the shred of your life.
You know a tiny little crumb.
I think I might really like this roommate girl.
Why do you always like the other girl? I don't always like the other girl.
You do.
You like the girl you can't have.
Why can't I have her? What? Because I met her in the bathroom? Another girl's bathroom, Brian! That you just had sex with! So what? So I should walk away? I'm not doing that anymore.
I'm making things happen.
I'm not gonna stand by.
And let some other guy go up and talk to her.
All the other guys standing around in her bathroom? Not in the bathroom.
Like tonight, she's going to a party, I saw the invitation on the coffee table.
Some club down here.
The new Brian is gonna find a way to go to that party.
How do you know the invitation is for her and not for Lisa? 'Cause her name is on the invitation.
- What is her name anyway? - Lisa.
I'm so confused.
We need Adam.
Roommates? Yeah, you have to go for it.
It's not as good as sisters which is not as good as twins but Hey, Brian! You could go for 2 in 24.
Is he talking about what I think he's talking about? I'm not gonna do that! I'm telling you guys I might really like this girl! Blah blah blah.
Listen, if you nail Lisa B before midnight tonight, you'll be entering a pantheon not even I have entered.
I've never done 2 in 24.
I did 1 and a half in 36.
What's a half? I just wanna see her, that's all.
If I could just figure out how to get to that party - You gotta take me with you.
- What? Come, on let me just live one night of your life, please.
I've had one in 13 years and not all that often.
Dave goes, I go.
My life is not a spectator's sport.
Yeah, I'll meet you guys there.
- And Dave.
- Yeah, buddy.
Don't wear that computer dork crap or we'll never get in.
You got it, pal.
Come on, this is great! A night on the town! Three single guys! You're not single.
I'm tonight.
Jimmy! Her BP is steady but she's not taking liquids.
Okay, start on an IV.
Half normal ceiling the KVO.
Aren't you gonna ask me how it went with Brian? How did it go with Brian? It went all the way.
- Am I bad? - I don't know.
It was just like carnal.
It just happened.
I mean, I'm not even sure I wanna go out with him again but on bed Oh my god! He does this one thing where he like french kisses your belly.
I gotta go do my rounds.
- Oh, sure.
- Okay.
Well, thanks! For Brian.
So he calls all of us in the conference room, all 6 of us and he says: 3 of us will be offered partnerships by the end of the year.
The end of the year! Oh my god! You know that Sharon is gonna get one 'cause she's amazing and Michael speaks all those languages which leaves one spot.
And I think it's between Pete Mont and me.
Pete Mont! You're okay? You're not listening.
I was listening.
Pete Mont.
We hate Pete Mont.
What's up? Are you gonna miss sleeping with other people? Are you gonna miss that? Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you? But you wanna get married? Yes, baby.
Yes.
I really wanna get married.
I told you.
I really do.
I do too.
So maybe we should just forget about the whole 2 weeks rule thing and start talking about the wedding.
Well, what's there to talk about? I don't know.
Planning.
Well, I mean, you'll be doing all the planning.
I will? Well, don't you want to? - Why would I want to? - 'Cause you're a woman.
Women like doing that.
I don't know.
I have a job too.
Yeah, but your job is you know it's totally My job is totally what? Your job is totally secure.
Mine isn't.
That's all I was gonna say.
Marjorie, this is my year to make partner.
If I don't, that's it.
That's it! My picture is on the back of the bus hawking accident victims.
So what are you saying? You wanna wait a year to get married? No.
No! No.
What I'm sorry Are we We can talk about this tonight.
I can't.
Boys night with Bri and Dave.
Oh! So you're too busy to plan our wedding but you're not too busy to have a boys night.
Are you gonna bust me for boys night? - No.
- Because it's never bothered before.
Okay, fine.
So you go out, I'm gonna stay at my place tonight.
- I'll call you later.
- Marjorie! Sit.
Sit down! Oh, Marjorie! Hi! I am Angelo Barsi.
I'm here to deposit my sample.
- Just have a sit.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
It's a party, some fashion show thing, it's at the Red Temple.
I know what it is, my friend is DJing.
Then you can get me in! Of course, I can get you in.
- Question is: do I wanna get you in? - Yes, you wanna get me in! And Adam and Dave too.
Brian! Look, I'll hire one of your bands for our game.
You'll hire 3 of my bands for your game.
- Two.
- Done.
Where is Ang'? Wasn't he coming? He's at the fertility clinic.
Leaving his sperm sample.
What? Oh, that is too good.
Give me your phone.
- No! - Give it to me! - No! - Give to me! Amore, amore.
How does it come there, big boy? Damn it, Brian! Are you a righty or a lefty? Honey, it's me! - Is Brian still there? - No! No! Okay, don't let him hear you, okay? - What's going on? - I can't do it.
Of course, you can do it.
I've seen you do it.
It's disgusting here.
They have porno where everyone is faking and the women in the magazine, they have you know, the breast, it's like hard like punching balls.
Just think about me, honey.
Think about what we do.
Can you help me? Okay.
We can do this.
We're in a gondola.
And I'm naked.
I'm wearing nothing but a black Hey! Hey.
Hey.
Where is everybody? Wimps.
Wimp moms.
It's too cold for them.
So, I'm not a wimp mom? No, you are a hot mom.
No, I'm not.
That's just what we all call you at the school picnics.
Actually we call you tattoo mom.
Well, there are a lot of tattoo moms in Venice.
Yeah, skanky tattoo moms, not hot tattoo moms.
Big difference.
I don't really care if it's cold.
My kids would go to the park in a hailstorm.
I'm kinda glad no one else showed up.
Sorry, just Yeah? So, Brian and I have to go to this gaming party thing.
You know it's like a whole gaming party.
I'm probably not gonna be home 'till later on tonight, so but I gotta do it 'cause I can't get out of it tonight.
I won't wait up.
Okay, cool.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
Not coming home? Listen, you want to uh get pizza or something.
Later.
With the kids.
Yes, I would.
You like pizza? Pizza? - Come on, handsome.
Let's go.
- All right.
I'll get two in 24 minutes in this place.
Shut up! - 20 bucks, man.
- Keep the change.
20 bucks? It's like 10 bucks a beer.
You kidding me? That's a deal.
Are we uh okay with this? He's just talking.
There she is.
Wish me luck! Good luck! Sorry, I'm spilling my beer everywhere.
I'm just gonna get rid of this beer, all right? That's my drink! It's a $10 Hey! - How you doing? - All right.
Great party, right? Hey, what's up, dude? You work out, huh? You two know each other? Oh, what am I doing? It's just that I have him 3 days a week.
3 days.
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, you know.
I never get Friday.
I never have that "Friday afternoon school's out, total elation thing", you know.
I never have Saturday morning cartoons.
It's just I don't I'll never get that.
That is so sad.
I mean, I just have to see them everyday, you know, in every light.
You just don't wanna miss a moment because every day is just like a sheet in the wind.
Every minute is a minute that you're never gonna get back.
I could never do what you do, Richard.
Well, you probably wouldn't have to.
You're a mom.
Moms usually get the better deal when they get divorced.
I'm never getting a divorce.
Right.
- I like being married.
- Do you? Yes.
That's Geneva, she just started First Grade.
And that's Larissa.
She's a daddy's little girl.
And the baby is Karen.
- They're cute.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You should see If you gotta show those pictures, at least pretend your wife just died.
This is my life.
I've got nothing else to talk about.
What are you doing here? You should go home.
- So should you.
- Yeah, I'm not married yet.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think anyone of these girls could hold a candle to Marjorie? Anyone? - We're leaving! - The night is young! - Dave can't do it.
- Do what? I gotta go home.
Maybe the whole open marriage thing is a bad idea.
Yeah, dude, it could be very destructive for the fragile ecosystem of - Have fun! - I'm not doing that! - No doing what? - What? What? You know, it's so weird that you ended up here tonight.
I know.
It's like fate or something.
It is.
Or maybe you saw the invitation on my coffee table.
I'll never tell.
You know, we really shouldn't do this with Lisa and everything, it's You're right.
We shouldn't.
You know, it would be really weird.
It would really be weird.
Hey! Are you gonna come to bed? Yeah, in a minute.
My sister might call from Rome.
Here.
I'm sorry about the clinic.
Yeah, I know.
I hate that clinic.
Honey I don't wanna make a baby with a sample in a cup.
I just wanna make love to you.
Can we just have and hope for the best.
And if you get pregnant, we do.
If we don't, I'm okay.
I have you.
Don't you want more? - I don't know.
- Yeah, honey You married an older woman.
Maybe we can try with some herbs or take your temperature or something.
Stop.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Nicole! Don't leave! Stay, we can watch a DVD.
What DVD? Spinal Tap.
I love that movie.
I'm sorry, Brian, I just I don't even know what I'm gonna say to Lisa.
Lisa doesn't even like me.
Look it was fun but I It would just be too Weird.
Yeah.
Can I Can I call you? I don't think so.
I'll see you.
I thought you were gonna stay at your place.
I changed my mind.
Are those for me? No, these are mine.
I can't let you plan this thing alone.
You have terrible taste.
Oh You don't like this one? It's my favorite.
All she needs is a propeller on her head.
I'm sorry.
I love you, baby.
I'm so glad to be home.
Daddy, turn it down.
Hey, buddy.
Gonna see the movie? Huh? Huh? Come on.
Too much.
All right.